I'm dreaming that I am awake.
I dream that I sit up from bed, with white sheets, stare across the room. I see the familiar walls, a wooden flooring, a large open window. This is my old room, where I spent most of my days, laughing and crying.
I dream that I get out of bed, walk towards the window. Open the window wider, smell the breeze of fresh autumn air.
In the distance, I see the leaves starting to change colors: I see greens and yellows, oranges and reds.
"The leaves are the same color as your hair."
Rashly, I turn, and see him standing by the door, in his white and purple robes, his hair hanging on one shoulder.
"They're beautiful," he says, turning his head to one side, "aren't they?"
Even in my dreams, he haunts me.
Even as I close my eyes, he is there.
"Why won't you leave me alone?"
Here in my dreams, I can speak freely.
Here in my dreams, I am free.
"Why?" He begins to advance in my direction. "Why do you think?"
"Leave," I say, desperate now. "Leave me alone, please. Please go away."
"Go away?" He's now standing in front of me, in his full height, and I feel like a small, terrified prey once again. "Why would you push me away, though?"
The whole scene changes, and the air goes in circle and I shut my eyes tight lest they hurt.
When the next scene unfolds, I see myself naked, and he's hovering above me, naked as well, and we're locked together, joined in the language of lovemaking.
And I begin to cry, because it reminds me of being dirty. Of how dirty I am, how sinful, and how unclean and impure and soiled.
As he locks his gaze with mine, he whispers, "You're forever trapped with the monster that you think I am."
My mind then goes black, in haze of emptiness and void. Here in my dreams, I should be free: free to leave this scene anytime.
I'm tired of running away, time and time again.
I push my body upwards and I devour his mouth, and my hands travel across his body, leaving shivers, and I take control, and the next moment, I am the one hovering above him.
A knife then appears in my hand. A sharp steel, masterfully carved in fire and blood.
Just before he notices the sudden change in my demeanor, I raise the blade in my right hand, and pierce his skin, just above his heart. His eyes gleam aflame, and I push harder, and the knife sinks fully.
The scene changes and I am now back in my bed, except that this room is no longer my old room. And I begin to cry, because I know then that I am now really awake, facing reality, over and over again.
Just after I compose myself, the door opens and they enter, seven court ladies. They lower their heads as soon as they see me. But they are new faces. Seven young women, and they are new faces, faces I've never seen before.
I should be questioning them, for my own safety. But knowing how Hyuuri is out there, hiding in the background, I know that I am at least a hundred feet from the nearest threat.
Or so it depends on who you consider a threat.
By midday, Suwon arrives to have lunch with me. I eat slowly, mind my own business. Even if I finish first, he won't let me leave the table early anyway. So I take my time, so that later I won't be staring at my empty plate again.
"Your eyes are a bit swollen," he says.
I pretend I don't hear him. I divert my eyes towards the walls, where the new court ladies are standing.
"What do you think of them?" he says, then, looking at the same direction. "Your new personal maids?"
I don't speak.
"I figured you'd be more comfortable around ladies who are about the same age as you."
"...I don't need them," is all I say.
He merely chuckles. "I plan on relieving Hyuuri as your bodyguard, in place of these seven young ladies. What do you say?"
Does that mean he's lowering his guard down now? I don't understand him. These maids are just maids, and nothing more; can they defend me, should insurgents come after me?
"As long as I am free to go about the whole castle, I don't mind," I say.
He smiles. "I hope you get well with them. They're closer to your age. They'd make good friends to you."
I take a long glance at them.
They're younger than the previous ones, and more pleasing to look at. They look much kinder; but if I learned one thing it'd be that one can never be too careful here.
I wonder what's happened to the previous ones, the ones that had served me while I was locked - were they sent to work on another part of the castle ... or were they sent out, silenced?
I deviate my mind; I don't want to think about it.
I'm relieved that Hyuuri will no longer follow me around. I find this new arrangement more beneficial to me. The only ones that will be following me now are these ones, my personal maids.
Yet seven is too many. Seven shadows constantly following wherever you go...
When my father was alive, I had no personal maids. Or at least, I wouldn't call them my personal maids. They serve the royal apartments and since I'm their only princess, I'm the only one they get to serve.
The head maid would see to it all. I don't even have to give orders anymore. It's like a routine. The head maid gives them orders, and they follow like dolls, and I too, follow the head maid.
The only difference is that before, my maids don't follow my every move at all. Anyway, it wasn't necessary. Whenever I would go out, I had my bodyguard.
Hak. I had Hak by my side.
I wonder how he's doing. His birthday was last month. I wonder if he celebrated...
...Will I ever see him again?
"Yona."
Suwon is now standing beside me. "You're spacing out again. Let's go." He takes my hand.
"Where are we going?"
"You're going to the library again, right? I'm going too. Let's go together."
I planned on staying at the villa today. Nevertheless, I get up from the table and follow his lead.
The wind is colder each passing day.
It's now early fall.
Five months have passed since that wretched night. And all these days, I've never forgotten. Every night, I am reminded, painfully.
My eyes are fixed on the roses on my left. When were they planted here? I can't seem to recall. So full of life, and so full of colors. But soon they'll wither.
Because winter is arriving soon.
I hope it does not snow much. Or maybe it should. Maybe it should snow so hard the whole country freezes, and I too, freezes.
A sharp wind passes by. It touches my bare face, and all exposed skin. Sharp and cold. I shiver. Suwon pulls me closer, his arm over my shoulder.
"They should have given you thicker robes," he says. "It seems that your maids hadn't adjusted to their tasks yet."
His hand is a source of warmth, yet in them I could feel my father's blood, seeking justice. And the blood of that young court lady who'd tried to save me before. And along the blood of the many others who had had to die, in order for him to be where he is now.
We arrive in the library. He takes his seat in front of the table, where a large map is spread out: a map of the whole Kouka and its neighboring lands.
My home country.
If you look at it, Kouka is a big empire. Though I heard that it used to be bigger before my father sat on the throne. Or so the rumors say.
I go to one of the shelves, not far from him, stare at the books, faraway. Last time, I found a book about the history of Kouka. It contained about what my father used to tell me. About King Hiryuu, our first king; he had crimson hair too, it was said. And the dragons who helped him.
Are they even real?
"What do you think, Yona?" Suwon says, out of nowhere. "About Kouka?"
I stare at him, long, trying to comprehend his question which came out of nowhere. It doesn't make sense to me.
"Kouka is a big empire. But do you think it's strong enough? Do you think, there's a chance that Kouka might fall one day? Under the hands of another king?" He points at the big mass of land, just above Kouka. "This one here, it's bigger, and so much capable." Then he points to another country, the one below Kouka. "Or maybe this one. Looks small, but who knows, they say you must never underestimate your enemies."
Is he testing me?
"I don't know," I say. "I'm just a woman. I don't even have a voice in the court."
"You think you're powerless?" he says. "Why, you have the power to influence the king's decisions."
"...No, i don't," I mutter to myself. I turn to another shelf, the one at the farthest corner.
"I'll be staying here until night," he says all of a sudden. "You can still sleep here. I won't make any noise."
"I should go somewhere else," I say, then. "I won't be able to fall asleep here anyway, not when there's people."
He looks at me, amused. "Is that so? Alright, I guess I'll see you tonight."
I go outside the building, my new maids on my trail. They are moving gracefully, and quick as well. Outside, I pause, stare into the distance. The library is occupied. I don't know where else to go.
Maybe I should go back to the villa, and there get some sleep. Or maybe...maybe I should go to my old chamber... That's right. Maybe I should. I haven't seen it for months. I haven't been there since that night.
As I walk away from the library, I happen to turn around, and just barely, I see Keishuk go inside. I walk further.
My old chamber is the same as I recall. They kept it clean, but they left most of the items from where I'd left them. Like this hair comb I use to tame my hair with.
I sit in the chair, in front of the mirror. I stare at myself again. Princess Yona, daughter of the late Emperor Il. I am only sixteen years old. I have purple eyes, which I got from my mother. But my crimson hair, I don't know where they came from. A bit unruly; I don't like it.
"But I like you hair, Yona. They're beautiful, just like the dawn."
Are they?
I open one of the drawers, search for its contents. I find old hair ornaments, combs, but most importantly, it's still there; I pull out the pair of scissors.
"I would like to cut my hair," I say out loud, holding out the scissors to my maids. "One of you, cut my hair."
An air of stillness fills the room. None of the maids are moving. They are looking at the ground, while my hand hangs suspended midair.
They are ignoring me.
What is wrong with them?
"Don't ignore me," I warn. If I was the old me, I would have screamed at them now. "It's only the first day of your jobs, and you're already being rebellious."
"Your Highness," the maid in the middle says quickly, "please let us ask permission from His Majesty first, before doing so."
"Is he the one getting his hair cut?" I ask sarcastically. "Alright then. I'll just do it myself. None of you can leave until I'm done."
They have no choice but to watch still. They're just spies, aren't they? Just like the previous ones. They follow him and him only. Pretend to serve me, only to report my every move to him.
I thought they were much better.
But they're no different.
As my crimson strands fall to the floor, one maid steps towards me. "Your Highness," she says, "allow me to finish it."
She takes the scissor from my hand, not gently, then begins on her work right away. I want to scold her for her insolence, but I hold my tongue. At least she's helping me, unlike the others. She would probably be punished later, though, for helping me cut my hair.
This girl has brown hair. When she raised her eyes to look at my reflection, I saw brown eyes as well.
Somehow, they remind me of a certain someone.
"Where did you come from?" I ask.
"I come from the Earth Tribe, Your Highness."
"How old are you?" I ask again.
"I just turned sixteen last month."
She's the same age as me. Though I look much older than her, now. I look way mature. A woman. A woman with a bleeding hair.
"You remind me of a certain someone," I say absentmindedly.
She pauses, but does not reply. Then she resumes her work. Nothing follows anymore. I don't dare ask another question. I wanted to ask her name, but I'm a coward. What remains is the snipping of the blades, and our silent breathing.
After a while, she finishes. The resulting length is not as short as I'd wanted it to be. It falls mere inches past my shoulder. Even so, it's much better than having it fall to my waist altogether.
"You did a good job," I say.
After that I lie down on my old bed, while they go outside to let me sleep. Somehow, this bed is more comfortable. I stare at the familiar walls, and hug the white sheets closer to my body.
I hope he doesn't come this time, in my dreams.
I'm dreaming that I am awake.
I dream that I open my eyes, to see a pair of sea-green eyes, gazing softly at me. He is smiling. His face is less sharp this time, his features softer, younger.
He is holding my hand.
"It's alright, Yona," he whispers. "I'll hold your hands until you fall asleep, okay? And even if you cry in your dreams, I'll wipe them all away."
I dream that my tears fill my vision, and that as I choke on my sobs, I say, "I miss you, Suwon."
...
Dear readers, I'm really sorry it took months to get this chapter. AHHHH I really feel guilty making you all wait, but I can't help it, you see, I'm really struggling as I'm in my final year in college now, it's really hard to find enough time to write! Please bear with me, I really want to finish this story no matter, but I also don't want to rush it, lowering its quality x.x nooo I want this to not look like trash... I want this to be of good quality as much as I can, so I spend a lot of time editing and proofreading this, looking for plotholes, cringy parts, as such. So please bear with me if I update like a turtle.
Anyway... if you're still here, thank you :)))) love you 3333