Author's Note: This is another one of those lingering-prompt-ideas-from-Smutember-2020 – a group of Fandom friends and I were talking about ridiculous euphemisms for genitals and what if Mamoru and Usagi had some kind of established-LTR-bad-genital-euphemism-chicken sex. Then I came up with the name, which meant that obviously I was the one who had to write it LOL.
That said, I wanted a little more practice with writing smut before I gave this one a whirl, which is how we got TRU and Dr. Chiba Will See You Now. Obviously those are more serious, while this is more absurdist, but supposedly comedy is harder to pull off, so… we'll see how I did.
I had hoped to have this out for Smutember, but then August majorly kicked my ass, September is probably the busiest month of the year for me (celebrating five family member birthdays, plus coordinating a baby shower, not to mention all the general day-to-day minutiae of life and having to make time to get regular COVID tests around all the events) so I ended up not having as much time to devote to writing these last few months as I had hoped. Things are still crazy, and between this, TRU, and the piece I'm working on for the Drops of Moonlight Zine… it's been busy and writing this has been firmly on the backburner, so it's a relief to finally get it out!
Anyway, this is what happens when you let a sex educator write meta smut fic.
Thank you forever to FloraOne, for all the usual reasons.
Living together had stopped feeling novel remarkably quickly, Mamoru mused, medical journal in one hand and his girlfriend's head in his lap. Her long legs were draped over the arm of the cream-colored couch, bare feet tapping occasionally whenever she got excited about something in the doujin she was poring over.
It was probably the fact that she'd practically been living with him before she'd moved out of her parents' house. Otherwise, it shouldn't have felt quite so much like their home when half her boxes hadn't even been unpacked yet – admittedly, unpacking was taking longer than it normally might because she kept insisting that she was too tired after work, and that weekends were for relaxing.
Tonight, however, Mamoru wholeheartedly agreed deserved to be a night devoted to rest. There had been an unexpected Droid attack right as he'd been getting out of surgery that evening, and it turned out that after years of peace, all six of them were unspeakably rusty at moonlighting as superheroes. Bruised and sore, he was more than happy to sit on the couch and quietly stroke his victorious Usako's hair while she entertained herself with something mindless.
Her candy-painted toes began happily scrunching in the air again, and a swell of curiosity got the better of him.
Setting down the journal he'd been leafing through, he leaned over, cricking his neck so he could peek at her book and… "What in the world are you reading?"
"Written in the Stars," Usagi said with a prim sniff, not looking up from the pages of her comic. "It's a boy's-love romance, about a pair of star-crossed lovers fighting against amnesia and the disapproval of their families to be together."
Mamoru smirked, thumb stroking along her temple. "Well, I got parts of that from the title. But I didn't expect it to be so… graphic." He waved his finger vaguely at the illustrations of sweaty, naked male bodies pressed together without any thought to modesty.
Usagi's eyes slid to meet his, the corner of her mouth curling up at the same time as she raised the open book into his eyeline. "Mamo-chan, you prude. Are you scandalized by a little healthy sexual expression?"
"Of course not," he said, ignoring the way he could feel his ears lighting up like a holiday display. They'd been sleeping together for years at this point, and so the idea that he might not be comfortable seeing depictions of sex by now was patently ridiculous. "I just wasn't expecting that to be what you were reading."
"Uh huh," she said, in a tone that plainly said she didn't believe him for a second, and so he plucked the comic from her hands, ready to prove her wrong.
He flipped open the book, his eyes scanning the handful of speech bubbles drawn across the page before he snorted. Loudly. "'Take my Poseidon'? 'Please swallow my Excalibur'? Usa, nobody talks like that, and if they do, you definitely shouldn't be having sex with them."
"I'm only having sex with you, baka." Her eyeroll was pronounced, and reminiscent of that time, long ago, when they would antagonize each other for the opposite reason – because they weren't having sex with each other, and didn't know how to admit that they wanted to be.
"I know that. I just meant… Even with the illustrations, which I imagine work for some people but are clearly not to my personal tastes, I can't fathom how anyone would find this kind of drivel arousing."
"Oh, really?" Usagi pulled the doujin from Mamoru's hands, setting it down on the end table next to his case notes.
Mamoru's breathing went shallow as he watched his girlfriend's bottom lip catch between her teeth.
Her left hand landed on his shoulder, pressing him back into the couch before she slung her leg across his lap. She wriggled slightly, bare thighs brushing against the fabric of slacks just beginning to be tented by his rapidly forming erection.
She leaned forward, pressing her soft breasts into his chest, flooding his mind with her scent of strawberry and vanilla. Her voice was warm and breathy in his ear: "I've had a really long day, Mamo-chan. Work was stressful, and then there was that battle… I think you should heal me with your moon rod."
He almost choked on his own tongue, an incredulous snort getting lost somewhere in his throat. "Excuse me?"
She leaned back and tilted her head, blue eyes all wanton innocence even as he swore she was deliberately jutting out her breasts.
"I want you to put your moonstick in my love-tunnel, Mamo-chan. I think it will make my day a lot better."
"Uh, Usako, that's not…"
She squirmed slightly in his lap and he felt himself get somehow harder beneath her.
"Are you saying you don't want me?" she said, eyebrows arched and her glossy lips a knowing smirk.
His cheeks went hot with embarrassment. "I didn't say that."
"Good, because I want you," she whispered, lips ghosting along the skin of his throat. "And I don't mind if you're not in the mood to spear me with your lance of love… but if that's the case, I think maybe you should tell me what you do want to do to me."
A flush of heat raced to his face, somewhere between awkward and aroused. He chuckled self-consciously, having no idea what she expected him to say.
Historically, when it came to dirty talk, he stuck to facts – I'm gonna come – or vague allusions – I need to be inside you. None of this specific naming of acts or body parts that she was now requesting.
"I, uh." He pressed his lips together, his mind already clouded but still doing its best to structure a coherent sentence. "I… want to… to taste you."
Her sharp little teeth teased the cords of his neck muscles, and then she pulled away from him. She tilted her head with wide eyes, pink lips an enticing pout. "I'm right here," she said, leaning in so close that he couldn't tell whose breath was whose. "Go ahead and taste me."
"Not…" He was pretty sure he hadn't blushed like this since the day they'd learned Chibiusa's origins. "Not… those lips."
"Ohhhh," she sighed into his ear, and it occurred to him that she was toying with him, torturing him on purpose. "Mamo-chan, you need to be more specific. If you want to lick my pot of honey, you should say so."
It shouldn't be possible to maintain an erection given the volume of blood that had relocated itself to his face, but when she wiggled ever-so-slightly against him, the bolt of pleasure that shuddered through him proved his attraction to her would forever somehow be able to overwhelm any of his self-consciousness.
His left hand clamped to the back of his neck even as the right traced the curve of her bottom. "I can't say that, Usako."
"Why not?" She leaned away, pulling her mouth much too far from him and forcing him to narrowly stifle a groan in his throat. "Mamo-chan, haven't you listened to any of Mina-P's rants?"
"I try not to, as a general rule."
Her self-satisfied look fell just a hair, and she shook her head with a roll of her eyes. "Because I love you, I'll pretend you didn't say that. ANYway," She looped her arms around his neck, petting him with the tips of her nails. "Consent is important, and healthy, and you have to ask for what you want."
"What if what I want is to have normal sex with you, without this ridiculous pretense?"
Her lower lip jutted out in a way that made him want to bite at it, but her eyes turned too sad to be sexual. "I thought this would be fun. And maybe prove that, with the right person, even silly things can be sexy. But if you really don't want to…"
His chest went hollow, like it always did whenever she got that crestfallen look in her eyes – it was the exact reason he had so much trouble refusing her anything.
Blowing out a long, low breath, he smoothed his hands along the dip of her low back. "I didn't mean… that is to say… Usako, please show me your," he swallowed. "Cunt." He felt his mouth wince as he said it.
But her eyes lit up, making the discomfort infinitely more bearable. "Are you sure you're okay with this, Mamo-chan?" she asked, any lingering sadness fading instead into a breathy little voice that made his blood boil. "Because we don't have to."
"I'm willing to try it," he answered gingerly, and she beamed.
"Okay. Well," Her nose wrinkled slightly in that way it did whenever she was concentrating. "You're going to have to go a little more out there than 'cunt,' seeing as that's a wholly reasonable and respectable term for lady bits."
"Then…" He racked his brain, realizing for the first time that he only knew a handful of euphemisms for 'lady bits,' the majority of which were impossibly clinical. "Let me touch your birth canal."
Her face pulled into an involuntary grimace. "Ew, okay, anything but that. The whole point of my IUD is that there will be no birthing right now, please."
"So many rules, Usako," he teased, fingers drumming on the cheeks of her ass. He shook his head, trying to think of something else. "I want to see your… female genital compartment."
"What the hell even?!" Her laughter was like champagne bubbles, fizzing up from his toes and leaving him lightheaded. "You made that up."
"No, I read it in one of my medical textbooks."
"Medical…" It was her turn to shake her head, teeth digging once more into her plump lower lip. "You doctors have to ruin everything, don't you?"
"I didn't realize it was possible to ruin unsexy-genital-euphemism sex."
Her eyebrow shot up, and she dragged her crotch along his erection in a way that made his limbs melt and forced out a groan that had been bubbling low in his abdomen.
"I dunno, Mamo-chan, it seems like you're pretty into this," she said, capping off her sass with a little wink once his eyes were able to focus again.
"M-my girlfriend is sitting in my lap and kissing my neck, of course I-"
But she didn't let him finish stumbling over his excuses; Usagi grabbed his collar instead, tugging his head forward and drawing him into a drugging kiss. She sucked his bottom lip between hers, nails scraping up his neck and into his hair. Her touch sent sparks down his spine.
"Stop thinking so much," she murmured into his mouth, nipping ever-so-gently at his lips. "Eat my taco instead."
Her hands held fast to the collar of his shirt as she slipped out of his lap, pulling him with her as her back hit the couch cushions.
He melted against her softness, pressing her deep into the couch cushions, loving the way her body molded to his.
Raking his fingers into her pigtails, he let himself lose track of everything. Everything except for kissing her, of the silk of her hair against his palms and the intimate press of his cock against her belly.
She broke the kiss with a little gasp as his fingers slid under the elastic of her panties.
"Yes, Mamo-chan, please till my lady-garden!"
He couldn't help it.
He burst out laughing, burying his face against her throat. His fingers, only the barest inch from Usagi's vulva, curled tight around her hipbone instead as he tried to get his gales of laughter back under control. Though he fought to reign it in, the chuckles continued to radiate from low in his abdomen, sweeping throughout his body; whatever tension remained over the absurdity of this game drained from his limbs as he lost himself to the mirth.
When he finally looked up again, Usagi's plump mouth was in a very adorable, very petulant pout, and he pulled her in for a long apology kiss.
"I'm sorry," he told her lips between kisses.
"It's not me you need to apologize to, Mamo-chan," she replied, fingers curling around the hem of his shirt. "I'm fine, but Lady V is not happy with you."
"Oh, she's not?" he asked, schooling his face into his very best Serious Doctor expression. "Should I send in Little Mamoru to negotiate a peace treaty?"
She snorted, tugging his shirt up over his head. Smoothing warm little hands down his pecs, she pressed a kiss to his sternum, releasing a kaleidoscope of butterflies into his belly. "Obviously, but first can we talk about how sexist that term is? 'Little Mamoru,'" she scoffed. "Nobody would call my vagina 'little Usagi.'"
"Just 'Lady V,' apparently."
"I'm serious. Why are penises this whole extension of male identity while vaginas are treated like either a gaping hole or a mysterious and unknown land to be conquered? You know: wonder down under, the promised land, my sacred temple… It's ridiculous."
He sucked in a breath, trying to clear his mind enough to wrap his head around the change of subject. "I'm happy to discuss the etymology of the vagina with you if you want, Usako, but if so, it's going to take me a minute to change gears."
Scrunching her nose in thought, Usagi sucked on her teeth, then lunged up to suck his pulse into her mouth. Her arms twisted around his shoulders, pulling him back down on top of her.
He was dizzy when her lips released the tendons of his neck with a bruising pop, and she grazed her teeth along the sensitive skin leading up to his ear. "Nah. I'd rather you explore my cave of wonders."
He snorted into the velvety skin of her throat. "Maybe I'll just rub your magic lamp."
"I think you're getting your anatomy confused, Mamo-chan. A magic lamp is- oh!"
His thumb tweaked her clit through her damp panties, breaking her off mid-sentence.
"I'm not," he replied, leveraging himself up on the back of the couch enough that he could see her face, watch it fog over with bliss. His thumb circled and toyed with the fabric that covered her clit, and her hips jerked. "Besides, a clitoris is basically an internal penis. I think it's okay to use some of the slang interchangeably."
"N-nobody – god – would call a clit – haaah – a 'gristle missile.'"
"Nobody should call a dick that either, Usako," Mamoru said, quite reasonably he thought.
"MMmm," she whimpered in response, wiggling her hips, and he took the opportunity to wrap his fingers around the band of her panties and pull them off.
He paused then, taking a moment to appreciate the picture she painted against his couch: her tiny denim skirt hiked up around her waist and her long legs parted to reveal her pink vulva. She was bare aside from the gold of her pubic hair and already slippery wet for him.
He licked his lips, mouth going dry as he anticipated the taste of her on his tongue.
"I want to eat your oyster," he said, his voice dropping low as his knees slid off the couch, settling on the floor so he could hook his arms in the crook of her knees. "I want to lick you until I find your pearl, and then polish it with my tongue until you scream."
Her calf trembled in his grip, and her voice was a little moan. "Mamo-chan…"
He let his breath fan out across her folds, feeling smugly satisfied, ready to torture her a little. "Well, Usako? What do you want me to do to you?"
She was panting, and Mamoru's cock twitched as she rocked her hips up towards his mouth. "That, do that!" she wailed.
"But I thought we needed to be specific, or else…"
She growled – actually growled – and he somehow got impossibly harder. "Mamo-chan, shut up and eat my fucking hot pocket."
Smirking over this turnabout, he exhaled once more across the dewy skin of her vulva.
Suppressing a pleased snicker at her half-babbled declaration of "…gonna kill you…", he ran his tongue up the cleft of her nether regions, sucking her clit into his mouth.
Her speech fractured, faded into an incoherent groan.
He swirled the little nub on the tip of his tongue, dragged the flat of it up as slowly as he could, making her tremble and gasp.
Usagi's fingers threaded into his hair, clutching and pressing his mouth into her more firmly.
Circling and stroking, he kept flicking his tongue over her bud, letting the tug of her fingers and the breaking of her breath guide his motions.
When her hips bucked up against him, his own hips ground into the couch.
His hand slipped up, gliding along the soft skin of her stomach and shoving at the fabric of her shirt until he revealed the peachy lace of her bra.
"Usako…" he breathed, pressing his lips into the crease of her hip, the dip of her bellybutton, feeling her shiver underneath him.
Her cheeks were flushed, and one of her odangos had come undone. Eyes hazy, she hooked her fingernails into the collar of his shirt and tugged him off his knees so she could crash their lips together.
Her tongue stroked over his, her lips warm and soft. A bolt of lightning fissured down his spine, like it always did, when he wondered if she could taste herself on his lips.
"Mamo-chan," she murmured as his fingers slid into the fork of her legs. "I'm ready. Put your one-eyed snake in my muff."
Grinning, he smoothed his free hand through the golden strands that spilled along the couch cushions, stroked his thumb along her cheekbone before kissing her once, twice more. "My member is aching to be inside your slit, Usa."
"Ugh, 'member,'" Usagi gave a little shudder, this one much less pleasured than her previous ones. "People really use that one, but I think it just sounds so… unsexy."
"I'm still a bit stunned you find any of this sexy."
"Ouch, Mamo-chan," she sat up slightly, tugging on the hem of her shirt so her bra no longer showed. "Should I put my clothes back on?"
"You know what I mean."
Her kiss was hard, possessive, and it turned his insides molten. "You're telling me you didn't even think that thing you said about polishing my pearl was hot?"
His cheeks were on fire again, though this time he wasn't sure if the burn came from the memory of the things he'd said or from the anticipation of touching her. "A few things here and there may have bordered on hot."
Her eyebrows flashed, and her hands dropped to where his rested on her waist. She slipped his right hand back under her shirt, sliding his palm up so that he could caress the mound of her breast.
"I know words aren't always the easiest thing for you, but… you've never had any problem showing me," she breathed, tongue tracing galaxies along the shell of his ear. "Show me how bad you want me, Mamo-chan."
His left hand dug into the small of her back, nails leaving half-moon indents behind. "I want you every second." His voice was throaty in the way that only she could bring out.
"I want you, too."
Her fingers fumbled with the zip of his pants; the zipper was sticking, jammed up by the jut of his erection.
It was his turn to shudder as she accidentally-on-purpose ran her fingers over the head of his cock, her touch firm through the fabric of his slacks and underwear.
"Mmm, I love your big, thick eggplant," she purred, her palm pressing down on his dick just enough to give her leverage on his fly.
He felt, more than heard, the slow unzipping of his pants, and then his eyes nearly crossed at the stroke of her thumb, separated from his skin by only one thin layer of fabric.
"Sometimes I get wet just thinking about it."
The muscles between his shoulder blades went somehow rigid and soft all at once. His hands blindly crushed her body to his, mouth desperate to taste hers.
Her fingers – practiced, knowing – slipped inside his boxer briefs, drawing him out into her palm.
Sensation vibrated through his nerve endings, rocketing up his spine and closing his eyes to block out everything that wasn't Usako and this moment. The squeeze of her hand and the press of her kiss against the dip of his shoulder, and the only half-formed thought in his head was that it wasn't fair for only him to be feeling this.
His fingers fumbled blindly, tracing the familiar line of her thigh until he found the vee of her legs. He slid two fingers inside her vagina, his thumb orbiting her clit.
When her voice broke in a soft mewl, his eyes instinctively opened – there was nothing in this world he'd rather see than Usako in the throes of passion, losing herself in pleasure he gave her.
He wasn't sure when she'd removed her shirt, lost as he'd been in his own haze of lust, but he didn't waste a second asking questions. Instead, he pressed his face to the cleft of her breasts, peppering kisses on her areolas and laving her nipples with his tongue.
Her nails bit into his shoulder, her other hand's grip on his cock tightening in a way that made his eyes cross. "Usa-Usako," he stuttered. "If you keep doing that I'm gonna-"
Her grasp loosened instantly, though she grazed her nails along the underside of his length, leaving him twitching.
She crawled into his lap, diving in for a kiss that shook him down to his core.
His hands splayed across her ribcage, thumbs tracing the curve of her breasts. He dropped kisses on her chest, her throat, until her mouth found his again.
She settled once more between his legs, this time slipping his cock inside her vagina with a low moan and a long kiss.
The squeeze of her was perfect – she always said it was like he'd been made for her – and as she lifted her hips, his fingers dug into her back, desperate to keep her forever.
He ran his hands down her every curve, found her button and pressed it.
Her walls spasmed around him, and she tightened her grip on his shoulders. Her eyes were lidded, pleasure-dazed, as she stared into his soul.
"Usa…" he murmured.
She shook her head, grinding her hips into his.
"Don't talk," she told him, shifting her hips once more. "Just fuck me."
His inhale was sharp, biting, but he kept his touch gentle. He wanted her to feel nothing but pleasure.
"Mamo…" The moan cracked low in her throat, and he swirled his fingers in a figure eight as he thrust once, twice into her.
He nibbled his way along her neck, watched her eyes roll back. His thumb pressed hard against her clit, and the flutters of her walls as she lost her mind around him threatened to drive him over the edge.
Her breath was a fractured pant in his ear, her voice a low wail.
He thrust into her again, stroked his fingers in time with the waterfall of liquid heat rushing through his body. He half-heard his own voice, as broken as hers, and he clung on to her for dear life.
It was minutes – or maybe hours, who was counting – later when Usako gently headbutted him in the shoulder.
"Hey."
"Hi," he replied muzzily, and she grinned.
"I'll be right back, okay?"
He nodded, dazed, then gasped all over again when she slipped out of his lap, forcing his body to remember what it was to not be a part of her.
Usagi returned from her cleanup to find him lying boneless against the couch, their clothes in a heap at his feet.
"How you doing, Mamo-chan?" she asked in a sing-song voice, and he opened his eyes to blink at her.
"If nothing else, I'm impressed by the extent of your genital vocabulary."
"Oh please. We barely even scratched the surface. There's…. cherry splitter, pant weasel, lightning rod," She settled in on the couch next to him, counting off on her fingers as Mamoru watched her with a bemused smile. "Mighty thundercock, pleasure weapon, disco sti-" He cut her list short with a long kiss, curling his fingers into the fine hairs that had come loose around her ears.
"That doesn't mean we're going to do this again, does it?" he asked when he broke the kiss.
"Have sex? I sure hope we do." She crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. "But as far as the silly dirty talk? Only if you want to. Or if you make fun of my manga again."
"I can't decide if I should consider that a promise or a threat."
She shrugged, mouth curling in a wide smile. "I think I've proven my point, then, haven't I?" With a mischievous grin, she once again slung her leg across his, settling her naked bottom into his lap. "Maybe I don't have a Poseidon, but you seemed more than happy to get up close and personal with my friendly clam."
He snorted. "All right, all right, I concede. Maybe it wasn't written with me in mind, but your manga is not drivel."
"And?"
He pressed his mouth against her throat, blowing a raspberry into her skin. "And I am a fan of your private parts, no matter what you call them."
She squealed, squirming in his lap as his fingers danced along the furrows of her ribcage. "Well, I like your male genital protrusion."
He rolled his eyes, gently tapping her on the nose with his forefinger. "Okay, I know for a fact you just made that up."
"Obviously. I have better things to read than your medical textbooks." She shrugged, then batted her eyelashes. "What about… your cloidernoodle?"
He shook his head, trying to hold back a sigh that was equal parts exasperated and affectionate.
"No, wait, I've got it! Your cu-CUM-ber."
"Usako!"
AN: I hope you all enjoyed, and that this was the right level of sexy while absurd as opposed to over-the-top bizarre. Either way, it's done!
Special thanks to FloraOne, Nari20, BrownSugarHeartAttack, Beej88, and AllyUnabridged for helping me come up with the story concept, brainstorming ridiculous genital euphemisms with me, and waiting more than a year for me to get my butt in gear and actually get this thing written. Y'all are the best 😘
PS: Friendly reminder to make sure you follow me on Ao3, as I may not be posting on FFN for much longer.