A/N: Hello, I'm back with another chapter. Sorry for the delay. House moving has kept me busy :)
JON POV
Time passes through me, past me. I'm not sure how long I've been standing here completely still. I'm too afraid to move. If I move, I'll break. I'll go back to her. No, I won't. I dig the shard into me again to ground myself. Just fucking do it. Noone wants you. My mind is like a dark vortex, throwing hatred upon hatred on me. I dig the shard into myself again. I can do it! Over and over again, the glass enters me, slightly. Above my heart, just underneath it, on top of it. The glass enters me like little sharp needles. I'm bleeding. My shirt is turning into a black-red.I can't do it. Her green eyes. Her soft skin. The taste of her. She's infused herself so deep within me, like a tight coil around my soul…and it's fucking stopping me from driving this piece of glass straight through my disgusting, black, spoiled heart!
A cackle. A clap. Footsteps. The Queen. "Jonathan, aren't you a desperate vision!"
I say nothing. I breathe. I don't move. If I move, she's dead. It's all her fault.
"It's pretty good wine, isn't it? Fairy wine, the finest aphrodisiac, kills all inhibition, even the strongest holding ones." I growl. I should have known. The moment the wine left my system, I knew that we were drugged. "Now, I would have never managed to drug you so, if you weren't forcing that potion down you every month. Squishing your demon side makes you weak, Jonathan. It makes you a target - let that be a lesson to you!"
"What do you want?!"
She smiles at me evily and she's so fucking ugly my stomach curls at the thought that I had to touch that and kiss that.
"Jonathan Jonathan," she clicks her teeth. "I want many things. Sit. Let's have a drink and a chat."
"No. Thank you."
She glares at me, smiles icily. "My dear Tao is currently watching your little sister or should I say lover." Nauseating sickness crushes through me again. "Stop it." A violent hiss escapes me.
"Sore spot?" She grins.
I sit begrudgingly. She can't threaten Clary and get away with it "What is it you want?!"
"You."
"I'm taken."
"Oh by whom I wonder. There's so many women in your life. How's Amanda?"
"What do you want?!" I ask again. She's after something.
"Let me tell you a story, Jonathan."
"I'm listening."
"Good." She smiles and seemingly gets comfortable. I don't.
"Once upon a time, there lived the great Shadowhunter called Jonathan. Was he the first to ever grace the annoying race of Nephilim? Perhaps. He, the receiver of the mortal instruments, was the most powerful of his generation. He had a sword that could slay demons. A mirror that could grant you one wish and a golden cup, a cup to beat all cups. This cup, oh it could both make new Shadowhunters and command demons all in one little artifice. Jonathan knew the power of the cup and its importance, so he thought himself very clever. He used his wish from the mirror to pull an angel from the sky and Ithuriel answered his call. With his beguiling charm, he persuaded Ithuriel to bind his angel blood to Jonathan's bloodline, so the cup would always be protected by the purest and strongest descendants of his . Ithuriel agreed to this, but under one condition, that it would always fall only on one member within a generation to be the cupbearer. Once they were of age they held the power to command all three mortal instruments and request Raziel's presence again. It is said that the creator would answer the call of his instruments and grant one wish to the one who called him" The Queen pauses dramatically. Jonathan heard parts of this story, through legends but never in such detail. The Queen continues in her lighthearted fashion. "So the angel Ithuriel and Jonathan, the great Nephilim warrior shook hands, thinking themselves smart. But they didn't count on being watched by a demon prince- Aziz, who took a very personal interest in keeping a very close eye on the descendants. Still, the sword is missing, the cup - also mysteriously missing, as you know. And no one knows where the mirror is, last seen in Jonathan's possession thousands of years ago." She looks at me to gauge my interest, but my expression remains unreadable.
So Aziz only ever watched, making sure none would be the bearer. That is, until your greedy Father came along, wanting to possess all three mortal instruments, he all but slaughtered Amanda's whole family, the last descendants of Jonathan the Great. Your Father has killed over and over agin, all in the search of the Nephilim treasure. That's why he has you sniffing around Amanda like a lost little puppy looking for scraps - and the cup, of course. But she doesn't seem to have it does she, or she doesn't trust you fully yet?" The Queen smirks.
"Your point being?"
"My point?! Your Father wants the cup for one thing only!"
"I know what he wants it for! He wants to make the world a better place."
The Queen laughs. "Jonathan, he might have given you great little honorable speeches about how he wants to cleanse the world from the darkness that are demons, but these are all lies! He wants to control us! He wants to control you! Now he has you drinking some weird voodoo potion to make you weak and look at you. Look at what you have become! Your sister was begging you to touch her and you crumbled like a weak little puppy, couldn't handle your emotions, couldn't contain any of it, couldn't touch her without the guilt eating you up from the inside! You almost drove yourself insane - I watched you, you know. For four hours you stood here, digging that shard into your skin over and over again and still, after all the shame and despair, you still can't even end it?!" She bangs her fists angrily. "He's made you weak. The old Jonathan would have taken that sweet little Clary and ravished her until she was pulp."
"Shut up," I scream at her. Her words are like insects buzzing under my skin. I can't take it, the truth lacing her words.
Her voice is quiet and commanding. "Your Father wants to control you, Jonathan. That's why he's after the cup. You know it deep down. He wants to create a world in which demons are being pushed down to third class citizens and lower. He wants to own you, me, the princes of hell - he'll be the king of the world with that cup. Once he has it, he'll never let you anywhere near his daughter - trust me." She says all these words and I hear the truth in them, I do. But it hurts, it hurts so much being used again and again. "What do you want?" I snarl.
"I want you to work for me."
A laugh escapes me. "So you drug me, have me assault my sister and now you think you're in a position to ask for favours?"
"Clary was my plan B, I do admit it. I was going to use your incestious desires as my bargaining chip. Imagine, if the clave ever found out that their precious Clary was into her brother?! Just imagine, then even her own mother couldn't save her from hanging." My head shoots up. "You're lying!"
"When's the last time you read the Nephilim code of law? Incest is in the death section - it's so dispised by you precious Angels, not even the stripping of runes is enough in this case."
I feel sick. "How do you know this?"
"I make it my business to know what weapons to use against my enemies. But then I saw you two together. How broken you are. How sad. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not yet anyway." Her face resembles a slimy snake and I want to wipe that grin off her face. "I want your memory!"I demand. Fairies love trading in memories, they cherish and hone them, and they use them to blackmail. Now I know why she summoned us here and I was so stupid to step right into the trap she layed for us! I'm so fucking stupid. I promised Clary that I would protect her and keep her safe, but who am I keeping her safe from? From me? From the Queen? Valentine? The world?
The Queen moves her arms around as if to slap a fly away, "I won't use it, but I am keeping it!." I want to object. "Insurance policy. You help me rid this world of Valentine. You serve me. You stand behind me when I become Queen of the world and your little shameful moment will be safe. End of discussion!" And here is the twist.
"So you want to become Queen of the world?"
"Jonathan, you'll want me as Queen. When I'm Queen, I'll create a world in which Clary and you can be together. A world that doesn't discriminate, judge and punish you for who you are." The world she describes does sound good, but I know that she cannot be trusted. There's always another motive with fairies. What is she really after?
"Also, Jonathan. I want you to stop taking the potion." I'll just go back to being a monster that cannot control himself. I'm that monster already, the voices inside of me whisper over and over again.
"I can't!"
"You're part demon, Jonathan- a part of you belongs here- in the underground. Noone knows of you yet. But that will change. You need your strength! Your ruthlessness. A war is coming, don't you see it?!" Her words hypnotise me. She makes so much sense! Perhaps, it's finally time I accepted that I'm a demon, a monster, and just embraced it. How much further can I drop?
The Queen watches me knowingly, and changes subject. "Also, I need you to stop Valentine sacrificing my fairies. He's been sacrificing fairies for months now, following that demon Aziz around like a puppy, believing that the demon will find him a portal to where the cup is, without Amanda, but this has to stop! They are spoiling everything and my children don't deserve it. Tell Aziz that if he doesn't stop leading on Val with fairy killings, I will burn his hell hole to the ground!"
I just nod exasperated. "Aziz?" I ask.
"How your father managed to get him on the same side is a mystery to me also."
Val never fully confirmed it, but it was him after all. That time the demon grabbed me, it was Aziz. It must have been. The Queen finally gets up, clears her throat, tells me she trusts in me,that we'll make a good team. She's about to leave. "Wait." My voice sounds broken.
"The-the drug. What is it?" My voice stutters, my eyes are hopeful. I need to stop being weak.
She smirks. "What is it you want to know Jon?"
"I just want to know what you gave us."
"Truth."
"Truth?"
She looks old now, her voice carrying hundreds of years worth of experience and I feel small and insignificant. "If you can't ask me honestly, how can you expect an honest answer?"
I try to make myself stop, but my tongue uncurls, the words come out, "Was it the drug or was it real?"
The Queen of Fey looks at me for a long while, her eyes moving right and left, to the ceiling, contemplating. "I'm sorry Jonathan, I know how much this means to you. But I needed a sure outcome. One can never be sure of what true feelings hide underneath." My skin feels like it's being scraped by tiny needles all over. "So none of it was real? It was all fueled by your fairy wine?"
"We'll never know! Isn't this better though?" She asks.
"It's not! You said you would create a world in which I could be with-" I break off. It's nonsensical. It'll never happen. It's a dream. A cursed desire. I pull myself back from the edge. I cannot go on like this, a yoyo being pulled back and forth, a pawn in the game, being used by everyone and everything. I've had it up to here. Enough is enough. The Queen says, "I can make you forget. The day I'm Queen of the world, I will take your memories of her and you'll be free of Clary forever." My heart beats in quick processions. To forget her? Could I do it? Clary would be free of me. I will be free of this longing that's punching Grand canyons into my soul. I want this option that she's offering me. She takes my hand, "It's a deal then." She smiles knowingly. Fairy deals cannot be broken.
Clary POV
The sun is coming up. I've been in the same place for hours. Does time pass at the same pace over here?. Over and over I go through what happened last night. I look down at my body. Touch the few places he touched. My hand goes to my lips. I'm in agony. He's left. I know it. I need to make a plan. I can't stay on this floor forever.
Footsteps. Careful but quick sound in the hallway. The door squeaks open. He comes in. Stands still. I'm terrified to look up at him, to see what I surely know is in his eyes. Be Brave. I slowly raise my gaze to his, but he's looking out the window, staring at the sunrise. He looks so handsome and strong and my eyes move all over him, looking at the lips that touched mine, his hands that caressed parts of me. His body is straight and still, unnaturally so. Then his eyes meet mine. There's nothing there. No emotion. No feeling. His voice is low and purposeful, emotionless, too. "I'm sorry, Clary. They drugged us. Some stupid fairy game for them. I understand if you never want to see me again. The things I did-"
"We-" I say, trying to make him stop. "We did them!" My voice comes out sounding croaky.
He looks pained, nods his head in supplication. I can't let him do this to us. I jump up and rush towards him. He steps away from me. His face is in shadow. I try to catch his gaze again but he won't look at me. "Jon?"
"How can you stand it?" He almost hisses.
"Stand it?" I look confused.
"Aren't you disgusted?"
"Disgusted?" I breathe.
"What happened last night, the things I did-God Clare, I can never unsee them. I'm so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me."
"Forgive you?"
I can't believe the words he's saying, Disgusted?- is that what he feels? I can't contemplate it. Can he not see how beautiful it was? I'm furious. "Jon! I think we have two completely different views of what conspired last night, I for one-" The door opens and Tao is there. "Ready to leave?" I want to scream into the space between us that I love him.
"We're in the middle of a conversation," I snarl instead.
Tao looks between us and seems to decide to turn but then Jonathan follows him. I grab his arm, trying to make him stop. He has to listen to me! My hand lands on him and he visibly flinches at the contact and moves away from me. He grabs my hand and I want to hold him forever. But then he turns, his face like stone, "There's nothing you can say to make any of it better, Clary!" With that he turns and I follow like in a trance
On the way back he doesn't hold my hand, he doesn't keep me safe, he all but ignores me. Eventually we get to the portal, step through it and land right outside the institute. Everything looks the same but different. I want to step towards my brother, I want to tell him how much I love him, but then arms are around me. Screams of joy surround us. "Sweetheart, I was so worried!"
"Mum?" I cry.
She holds me close and something within me crushes. Everything I've kept so close is crushing through my protective walls and I start sobbing. Mum hugs me, I look for my brother again, see him shaking Luke's hand. Then Amanda is running down the path, rushing towards him. I see it unfolding, but I can't contemplate it. I watch as my brother grabs her into an embrace, pulls her close- so close and starts kissing her passionately- so passionately. He's so happy to see her. Flashes from last night, how I forced my tongue into his mouth, how agonised he was from my lips touching his- no, I realise. He didn't kiss me like he is kissing her now. My heart splits into two and I feel myself breaking. Jace catches my hand, whispers how worried he was. I'm surrounded by everyone, but none of them matter to me.
They want to debrief us but Jonathan convinces them that we need time to rest and shower. Mum tries to follow me into the room. She's been attached like glue to me ever since our return. I manage to persuade her that it's alright and almost beg to be left alone. I shower and it almost feels like I'm cleaning myself off him and it terrifies me. As I'm getting dressed, I hear a light knock. "One moment." Silence, I shuffle towards the door. He's in front of me. Scrubbed clean of me, too. His hair is still wet on the sides. "Can I come in?"
I step aside slowly. I'm afraid of him now. Afraid how much more he'll break me. He loves her. I know it.
"Last night?-"
"We were drugged, Clary."
"Why?"
"The Queen thought it would be fun to make us feel things that aren't there. What happened was all fake. So I hope you can forgive me one day."
"Forgive you?"
"Yes."
I try to open my mouth to object, but the words get stuck in my throat.
He steps forward and hugs me close and my whole body buzzes at the contact. He can touch me again, maybe there's hope? "I love you, Lily. So much!" I beam at his words and rest my forehead on his shoulders. My lips burn, wanting to kiss him there, too. I'm so trapped in my thoughts of his body and mine connecting again, I miss what he's saying. "So will you?"
I look up confused.
"Will you be my best man? I know that the wedding is rushed, but it'll be a beautiful day tomorrow."
"You're getting married, tomorrow?" I cannot believe what I'm hearing.
"Why tomorrow?"
"Amanda is with child." There's a rip in my heart. It's small, but my blood is rushing through the chambers quickly and I can feel my heart expanding, the rip grows and grows until my heart splits in two. One half will always be his. I breathe in and out slowly. The truth hit me in the face and I know now that it's over. Forever over.
I make myself smile, but I know it is more like a grimace. "That's wonderful news." I croak and make myself hug Jon stiffly again. "Of course, I'll be there for you."
I say 'for you'. Not for her or them, not for his baby. I'll be there for him. This is what Jonathan has always wanted, a family, a place to belong. I always thought that place was me, but not anymore. I kiss him on the cheek one last time and make myself smile. "You'll be a wonderful Dad." I meant it, too.