Disclaimer : I do not own Ah! My Goddess, Ranma one-half, or SCP Foundation.
-oOoOoOo-
It started when Tatewaki Kuno first laid eyes on Belldandy.
She was buying some food in the marketplace. As for why she was in Furinkan when normally she is in Nekomi, she was using her travel medium to travel all over Japan to get the best prices on various products. Hey, just because she was the nicest Goddess ever, doesn't mean she wasn't thrifty.
She considered it a challenge to buy more food for less money every shopping day and we all know how Belldandy treats challenges.
Anyways, when Tatewaki Kuno saw Belldandy, he fell in love, just like when he first saw Akane Tendo and Girl-Ranma. He decided to announce to her face that they were going to date when she walked around a corner and out of his sight.
He followed after her, but was unable to find her. That was because she had used a nearby mirror to go elsewhere.
"Where hath my love goddess gone? I must find her and let her know that the gods want us to be together, for I am the Blue Thunder!" Tatewaki Kuno announced.
Like whenever he said that, a thunder god sent a lightning bolt, screaming, "No, we do not!"
Sadly, Kuno took the lightning bolt as a sign of approval.
So Kuno had his servants look for Belldandy. It took a few days, but he eventually found her in Nekomi.
Immediately, Kuno set out for Temple Tarikihongan. On foot, like the Stup… samurai that he sees himself as.
When Kuno arrived at Temple Tarikihongan, he knocked.
Keiichi answered the door. He was surprised to see someone dressed in a blue Kendo uniform with a Bokken at his side, like they were a samurai from ancient times. Keiichi asked, "Hello. How may I help you?"
"I am Tatewaki Kuno, the famous Blue Thunder of Furinkan. You may have heard of me," Kuno answered. Seeing that Keiichi looked confused, Kuno sighed in disappointment, thinking Keiichi was too much of a peasant to know greatness. "Ordinarly, I would regale you with tales of my achievements, but I am here to find Belldandy."
"She's here. I'll let her know you're here. Please come in," Keiichi said, moving out of the way.
Kuno smiled, as it had been awhile since someone had been polite to him without some hidden agenda behind it. "Thank you, mr…?"
"Keiichi Morisato," Keiichi replied as he led Kuno into the Kitchen, where Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, Lind, and Peorth were having tea. "Belldandy, someone by the name of Tatewaki Kuno is here to see you."
When Belldandy turned to face Kuno, he was on one knee right beside her. He held one of her hands and had a rose held in his mouth.
"Belldandy, my title is the Blue Thunder and I want to bestow upon you the title of Tatewaki Kuno's girlfriend," Kuno announced. "Leave this pathetic hovel behind and live with me at the Kuno estate."
Peorth muttered, "While I like a good looking samurai type, the personality leaves something to be desired. Three outta ten."
Lind added, "I see that he trains a lot in kendo, but I can tell that he's held back by three things. His arrogance, his delusions, and how he refuses to learn unarmed combat. I give him a one out of ten."
Skuld grumbled, "Like Aoshima, but worse. Zero out of ten."
Urd commented, "He's handsome, rich and gullible, but stuck in his own fantasies. I'm with Peorth. Three."
Belldandy and Keiichi just stared at Kuno in surprise for a few moments. Eventually, Belldandy took her hand away from Kuno and said, "I'm… flattered, but I am already seeing someone. Someone who I love very much."
Kuno gasped in shock, "Who?"
Belldandy looked towards Keiichi with a heartwarming smile and said, "Keiichi."
Kuno stood up and turned around, pointing his Bokken at Keiichi, "Vile fiend! You must have used wicked sorcery to bechant the fair Belldandy's mind to enslave her to your sick lust! Therefore I challenge you to a duel! If I win, you will free her!"
"And if Keiichi wins?" Urd asked.
"As unlikely as that may be, I shall leave him alone as a reward," Kuno spat.
"As Keiichi is not a fighter in any meaning of the word, I'll accept your challenge in his place."
Both Kuno and Keiichi stared at Belldandy in shock.
Kuno uttered, "But I do this for you, beautiful Belldandy. I will fight the vile sorcerer Keiichi Morisato to free you."
Belldandy stood up, a grim expression on her face as she produced a wooden staff. "I said, I will fight you,Tatewaki Kuno. But I do find your challenge unfair. If I win, then-"
"I shall be your boyfriend instead!" Kuno interrupted.
"No. If I win, then you shall award us a certain sum of money. About… ten million yen," Belldandy said.
Kuno grimaced for a moment before saying, "Very well. Anything goes for the match."
And so, everyone went outside to the backyard. Lind, Keiichi, Urd, Skuld, and Peorth were near the temple, while Kuno and Belldandy stood between the forest and the temple. When the fight started, Kuno came in with his Blue Thunder attack, which was a series of jabs strong enough to break stone, while he yells,"Atatatatatatatatatata!"
She caught the bokken with her hand and crushed it. She then used her Bo to hit the sides of Kuno's head, jab him in the stomach, and then slammed it on top of Kuno's head to knock him out.
Once he woke up, Kuno grunted, "Curse that fiend, Saot… Morisato! He must have used magic to debilitate me! Therefore the match is invalid!"
The spectators took a step back. With a tone colder than ice, Belldandy said, "Keiichi knows no magic. Besides, you said that the match was 'Anything goes',which means there are no rules."
"My match with you is invalid! Therefore I must fight Morisato next!" Kuno spat.
Belldandy quickly grabbed Kuno's head. "Since you refuse to acknowledge any form of defeat and will try to invalidate any loss, I am forced to punish you."
Kuno screamed as his head was engulfed in light.
-o-
"So what did you do to Kuno?" Urd asked.
Belldandy smiled as she answered, "As long as he lives in his delusions, he will never be able to pick up anything that a samurai could use as a weapon. Either it will fall apart in his hands, the object gets destroyed by lightning, or his hands will swell up like he was allergic to the 'weapon'."
Lind muttered, "It sounds rather cruel."
"Well, then he should have been more careful when he tried to challenge Keiichi to a fight," Belldandy answered.
-oOoOo-
One day during a clear blue sky, a lightning bolt struck the ground behind the temple, leaving behind holy runes.
When Belldandy saw it, she gasped.
"What? What does it say?"Keiichi asked.
"It says that before I can marry you, I must undergo a challenge by myself," Belldandy answered, looking worried. "If I fail it…"
"Then it means we can't marry?" Keiichi asked in a scared tone.
"Not only that, but you will have to marry Urd," Belldandy answered.
"EH?!" Keiichi uttered, looking completely baffled.
Belldandy turned around and headed towards the Kitchen, saying, "Now if you excuse me, I have to prepare on how to teach Akane Tendo on how to cook properly."
-o-
Akane had heard many tales about how good a cook Belldandy was and thus was pleased to accept a few lessons from her. Kasumi was really jealous, as she looked up to Belldandy.
Belldandy was at first surprised, then increasingly annoyed that everytime, Akane ignored a step or did something else, claiming it would make the dish better.
It did not. All the changes Akane made the dish taste worse. Not only that, but Akane was too busy pouting about her dish being rejected to actually taste-test her food.
Then came the day where Akane really wanted to make a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée.
Belldandy wished either she ignored Akane's pleadings or made her promise to follow Belldandy's directions to the letter.
Later on, Belldandy wished she followed her instincts to destroy when Akane added more salt than was necessary.
Belldandy stared at the dish Akane was offering. Sure, it looked good, far better than any of Akane's previous attempts.
But Belldandy had a feeling that it was far worse than the others.
"Akane, I'm uncertain that this dish is… completely edible," Belldandy said. "Perhaps we should-"
Akane shoved a spoonful into Belldandy's mouth as she said, "Nonsense! It's good and edible!"
It tasted salty, really salty. Reluctantly, Belldandy swallowed it. "Akane, I thought we went over this. Never force someone to eat your food."
"But… I do it all the time with Ranma," Akane sadily muttered.
For the next 30 minutes, Belldandy felt nauseous.
Then… the bit of food hit her intestines. Belldandy ran to the bathroom. For the next five hours, she felt increasingly intense pain.
When Keiichi returned home, he found Lind standing outside. He asked, "Did something happen?"
"Belldandy ate some food that Akane ate. Urd said it was close to something called SCP 666 one-half," Lind answered as she led Keiichi inside.
"Is she okay?" Keiichi asked.
"She's alive, but I have my doubts she wants to," Lind answered. They passed by the living room, where Akane was under a sleep spell.
A very serious-looking Urd was standing by the bathroom, where the door was covered by a purple glow. She turned to face Keiichi and said, "Hey. Bell will… be alright in a few hours."
Keiichi pointed to the door and asked, "What's that?"
"It's a magic shield with silence charms, smell defense, and an outline for dimensional removal," Urd answered. With a shrug, she added, "After we remove that little bit of reality, we'll replace it with something similar. Standard process with food so horrid, not even Hell will use it as a weapon."
"Is Belldandy okay?" Keiichi asked. "Can I talk to her?"
"Yes to both, but I wouldn't advise it," Urd said before making a hand sign. The shield shimmered.
Before Keiichi could speak, Belldandy screamed, "This rotten ration is ravaging my rectum like ragnarok!"
Urd made another hand sign. As the shield shimmered, Urd said, "Well, she's speaking in English alliteration. I think she's taking hour three rather well."
"Three? How long will it be?" Keiichi asked.
"If we're lucky, one more hour," Urd answered.
After 90 minutes, the shield turned solid, making Keiichi cry out, "Belldandy! Is Belldandy alright!?"
"Yeah, but she'll be here sooner or later. She's teleported somewhere else, while the maintenance crew dispose of your old bathroom," Urd answered.
"Why get rid of it?" Keiichi asked.
"Temporal, dimensional, and fantastical radiation, all caused by trying to digest foods like SCP 666 one-half," Urd answered.
"I bet Hild or Mara is responsible," Keiichi grumbled.
"Responsible for what?" Chibi-Hild asked, appearing out of nowhere, just to scare Keiichi.
"He thinks you made Akane Tendo make that," Urd replied, pointing at the crab-stuffed mushroom entrée.
Chibi-Hild looked at the dish and gasped in horror. "Oh my gosh! I would never make anyone eat that!"
"Really?" Keiichi asked, uncertain.
"Yes. There's some things you just don't do," Chibi-Hild replied. "I might set all kinds of traps, but I would never violate the food and drink portion of Sacred Hospitality."
An hour later, Belldandy walked back inside the temple in a very odd way, like her legs were ramrod straight. Seeing both Urd and Keiichi, Belldandy gestured for them to come to her.
As they did so, Urd asked, "So, ready to get back to teaching Akane on-"
Belldandy's expression turned plasticy fake when Akane was mentioned. She grabbed the hands of Urd and Keiichi in a very rough way. She then said, "By all the powers invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife."
"I take that as a no," Urd muttered.
"By all the powers invested in me, I now pronounce myself as Keiichi's mistress," Belldandy said, letting go of Keiichi and Urd's hands. As she did so, the two noticed that simple golden rings were now on their fingers.
"But Belldandy, are you sure that-" Keiichi began before Belldandy put a finger on his lips.
"I destroyed and went into three mortal shells on the way here. Mortal shells created from saved data before today. Even though there should be no possible way, I still feel the effects of that… food," Belldandy said in a cheerfully threatening manner.
-oOoOoOo-
Notes from HotelKatz: This honestly was the first thought-up chapter for this story. Yes, SCP-666 one-half is a poop joke. I wrote one-half, as fonts are different from each other and the little one-half character might not be in all fonts. That and I worry that one day, FFN might decide to eat that little character.