A quick update before the craziness of the holidays become consuming. Thanks to all who continue to read and review! :)

Chapter 56:

"Oh my," John's voice was low as he strode over from his spot at the table and stooped down next to his son, whose chubby toddler hand was holding onto Eleanor's fingers. "Hello there."

"Mama?" Hugh pointed with his free hand in John's direction. "Who dat?"

"Hugh, my love," Ellie's voice was soft, as she gracefully sunk down and sat on her knees beside him, "It's been a very long time, and you were only a baby when he left. But this man is your father."

"Da?" He looked around for Jamie.

"No, not Da, sweetheart. This is your Papa, Lord John. Remember how Da and Mama have all talked to you about your Papa? And Hope and Mac and Sam and Rosie? Well, here he is...right here. Isn't that marvelous?"

Hugh frowned at the stranger in front of him and then stuck his fingers in his mouth. His look could only be described as perturbed as he eyed John.

"He'll warm up to you," Eleanor said, her voice soft. "It must be so confusing."

"Yes, of course," John said, his eyes on his son. "I am very glad to see you again, Hugh," his voice was gentle and soothing, despite the torrent of emotions that he was feeling gazing upon his son. John always took such great care to regulate his emotions for the benefit of those around him and this moment was no exception.

Hugh sucked more vigorously on his fingers, his other hand gripping Ellie's even tighter.

"Eleanor," John's voice held his marvel at the child in front of him. He reached out to gently touch his blonde hair. "His hair has lightened. He's almost blonde."

"Yes," Eleanor coughed slightly, clearing her throat, "From your family, I presume?"

"Indeed," John studied him and Hugh stared up at his father. He didn't remove his hand, just continued to gently and carefully stroke his son's hair, especially since Hugh didn't try to pull away. "Do you think..." he paused.

"He looks just like you, Lord John," Eleanor's voice cracked. "Just like you. And every time I saw his face..." tears filled her eyes, her feelings welling up to the forefront.

"Mama sad?" Hugh babbled at her.

"No, darling," Eleanor tugged her hand out of his and then put her arms around him, giving him a hug, "I'm so happy." She extended her hand out to John, who took it in his. She leaned to kiss Hugh's head, "I can't wait for you to become better acquainted with your Papa. You are going to love him as much as we all do."

"Mama," Hugh began to wiggle out of her grasp, having enough, "Hugh play?"

"Yes, baby, Da bought your blocks to play with."

"Bock."

"Yes, blocks."

John stood and then helped Eleanor up, who then hoisted Hugh in her arms and went to sit at the table. She put Hugh on the bench between the two of them.

"He's pretty active, this will probably only entertain him for a few minutes," Ellie said as Hugh began to build and knock over his blocks, "He's kind of..." she paused, "well, spirited."

"Hope spirited?" John inquired, lightly, watching his son play.

"He has lately become...perhaps a combination of Hope and Sam spirited," Eleanor retorted, with a smile.

John grinned at the thought, his eyes moving from his son to reach hers, "Oh my. I do hope you haven't spoiled him, my dearest."

"I must confess," Eleanor paused, "He is very spoiled. Being the youngest and all."

"I must confess that Jamie has said as much."

Eleanor blushed. "Already?"

"He was apprising me on each of our children. I do not believe it was meant unkindly."

"I do not doubt it. He has gentled in his manner with me, especially when we are in disagreement."

"I am glad for it," John handed Hugh a block and he put it on top of his tower.

"Yes. And he has tried to guide me with this little one, but..." she paused, "to be honest, I didn't want to hear it, so I don't think I was very receptive to what he was saying," she confessed. "I understood...but...I just couldn't heed his advise in full...not yet, at least. We are still working through it together."

"Hmm," John helped Hugh with his blocks, "Children need discipline, Eleanor. Structure. Expectations. You know that well."

"Jamie gives him all of that."

"I dare say Jamie isn't with him all day long," John's voice was causal, his tone gentle.

She glanced at John and then gave Hugh another block, "But he looks just like you," she whispered.

"I see," John put a block on Hugh's tower. "It's natural if your heart is more tender towards him considering the circumstances, but you cannot have different expectations for him than you would have for the rest of our children. And you must be more receptive towards criticism, darling, especially when it is meant for the good of our family."

She nodded, blushing. "I am afraid I still have quite a few vices."

He gave her a kind smile, "I would have you no other way."

Hugh shoved his blocks off the table and began to smack the table with his hand.

"Good God, you are right," John said, amused, "That only lasted two minutes."

She laughed, the heat still flooding her face, "I'm afraid so. At least Jamie had the foresight to bring some toys and snacks."

Eleanor reached for the plate of bread, "Are you hungry, sweetheart?" She began to break the bread into small pieces, hoping it would keep him entertained.

"Jamie is a good father," John commented.

"I always thought so," Eleanor responded, "Hugh is at a difficult age. He is starting to discover his will, which happens to be a bit stubborn. Solely a reflection of me, I'd imagine since your temper is so steady and even," She grinned. "He usually has Hope to keep him in line...in fact, she actually can be quite bossy with him. Older sister and all of that..."

"I can just imagine," John said, dryly, but then gave Eleanor a delighted smile.

"And of course, he worships the ground Sam and Mac walk on. He fits right in. And when he needs to burn off extra energy...well there is alot to explore on the Ridge. And Jamie seems to understand..." her voice trailed off, her look sheepish.

"You praising Jamie doesn't offend me," John said, quietly, "Go on and say what you wish."

"I was just going to say..." Eleanor paused, "Well, he is especially good understanding how boys work and what they might need in terms of corralling their energy."

"Yes, I can imagine he would be."

"He was very good with Mac at Hugh's age...and Sam..." she paused, "well, before...you know."

"Yes, I know." John took the plate from Hugh who was beginning to bang it against the table.

"More!"

Eleanor held out her empty hands, "No more."

"I wanna more!" Hugh began to bang his leg against the table and Eleanor forced a smile.

"It's never what you dream or imagine...parenting," Eleanor said, wryly.

"Yes, that is true," John put a hand on Hugh's head, "But it is still good, Eleanor." He stood and then stooped down to pick up his son.

"Let's go outside Hugh," John said, his voice low. "There isn't more bread, but perhaps we can play and take your mind of it. How does that sound?"

John's tone was patient but firm, in the way that made Eleanor remember why she loved him so much. Hugh stopped wiggling and looked at his father, wide-eyed.

He nodded and then stuck his fingers in his mouth.

"Very good then," John smiled and stepped outside with him, Eleanor following.

Eleanor sat on the steps and watched John play with their son...running around the yard, picking up sticks and rocks and talking about them, John tossing him in the air and causing Hugh to giggle...just as tenderly as she knew he would, patiently trying to reacquaint Hugh with him. Finally, John instructed Hugh to dig a hole with the stick and Hugh happily was digging in the dirt when John came to sit next to her.

Eleanor put her elbows on her knees as John and her watched their son play together.

"While the children take after Jamie and Hugh after me, I do see mannerisms of each of them in our son," John said, quietly.

"So, what you mean is that you think they are partly mine, too, right?" Eleanor laughed.

"Indeed," John smiled at her, "Hugh has your smile, Eleanor. Just as our sweet Rosie does."

"That's funny," Eleanor grinned, smirking a bit, "I told Jamie he has your smile."

"No, I must disagree, I do believe it is yours," John's eyes twinkled, "And I do believe the way his eyes lights up when excited just as yours does, tis our Hope...And the way he gestures with his hands like you do when trying to make a point, tis our Mac. And his little smirk you just gave me, I just saw him do...and that is our Samuel."

"And here I thought they only inherited my vices," Eleanor blushed.

"Well, I do not deny they have inherited a few," John gave her the side eye and then followed it with another smile. "But I have always thought your vices is what makes you endearing, at least when I am not on the receiving end of said vices."

"Five young children, John. And even though William is practically grown, he still needs our guidance. I just don't know how we will ever do this. They depend so much on each of us, in different ways. Hope and Sam were lost without you John. They need you. And Mac...that was clear today. You spoke to him when none of us could."

"And Rose?"

"I mean, I think she could take you or leave you..." Eleanor smirked at him. "But that is only because she is so enthralled with Jamie."

He laughed and she giggled.

"But in all seriousness, they all need both you and Jamie, just in different ways..." Eleanor's voice trailed off as they saw Jamie approach with a bag over his shoulder and bowl in his hands.

"And you?" John said, quietly as Eleanor watched Jamie approach.

She sighed, "I know precisely how they feel," she sat up, dropping her elbows off her knees. "for I need you both too," she whispered.

"Jenny sent food for ye," Jamie said, handing it to Eleanor, who stood when Jamie approached.

"Please tell her thank you," Ellie forced a smile at him, but Jamie saw that she was struggling underneath her attempts to be calm.

"I will do so," Jamie said as he followed Eleanor inside. Eleanor put the plates and dish on the table.

"I packed ye a few things that ye might need tonight," he sat a bag down on the bed. "I dinnae wish ye to be without anything ye might need. I will have William and Ian bring John's bag to the cabin as well."

Eleanor looked at him, not surprised, but still touched by his care and thoughtfulness towards her.

"Thank you, Jamie. I do appreciate it."

"Of course, mo ghraidh, I will take the bairn back with me."

"Are you certain you don't mind, Jamie?" John asked, coming in with a very dirty Hugh.

"Of course, no," Jamie said as Hugh reached out his arms for him.

"Da," Hugh grinned at Jamie.

"Come here, we un," Jamie said as Hugh practically jumped from John's arms to Jamie.

Eleanor looked at John sharply, but if he was hurt, he covered it exceptionally well.

She turned her attention back to her youngest and Jamie. "I know he is a bit hard to handle as well as the other ones."

"Aye, but Jenny and Ian are there as weel as William. I can keep Hugh with me tonight. Rock him to sleep. Dinna fash, lassie. The lad and I will be just fine together," Jamie looked down at Hugh and smiled at the boy who was currently wiggling in his arms to get down. "Tis important for ye to have time to talk and think without the distractions of the wee uns. I ken that weel."

"He might need a bath," Eleanor frowned, "I can come and..."

"Mo ghraidh," Jamie's voice was low, "This is where ye should be. Dinna fash aboot the bairns...or do you not trust me to care fer them in yer absence?"

"Of course, I do, I just...I don't want to impose upon you."

Jamie frowned, his eyes meeting hers, "Are they no my children too?"

"Of course," Eleanor glanced back at John, who nodded at her. She sighed, "Okay then. May I walk you out?"

"Of course, ye may, mo ghraidh, and give me any last minute instructions for the care of our wee uns," Jamie nodded.

Eleanor walked across the yard with Jamie, "Remember Hugh needs his favorite blanket when you are rocking him."

"Aye, of course. I will remember, " he let Hugh down, stooping down on his level, "Dinnae run ahead, wee laddie. Stay here while I talk to yer mama, ye hear?"

Hugh nodded, "Aye, Da."

Eleanor giggled, "He sounds more and more Scottish every day."

"Aye," Jamie straightened, "Did Lord John have anythin to say aboot that?"

"I do not think he has heard," Eleanor grinned, "He adores his son though."

"Aye, I ken he does," Jamie nodded, watching the boy as he toddled around them, getting much needed energy out.

Eleanor reached out to rub his blonde hair, as he weaved through her skirts, "And if he is inconsolable without me..."

"I willna bother ye with it, lassie. He is my godson and just earlier this morning, he was my stepson. And I love the laddie."

She nodded, "Is Mac..."

"He is currently stewing in his room. He is asking for a thrashing, Eleanor, and I felt it best if we just remove him from the opportunity to earn himself one."

"Please don't thrash him over all of this."

"I willna let him talk to ye the way he did earlier," Jamie said, evenly. "Tis a matter of honor."

She nodded, "At least..."

"Why do ye think I sent him to his room? I ken ye wouldna want me to without talkin with ye and givin ye the opportunity to talk me out of it...whether ye are successful with it or no."

She sighed, "I mean you are his father, so..." her voice trailed off. "This is just all so upsetting for all of us."

"Which is why I am givin him extra chances to right his behavior. Dinna fash, lassie, I will be fair...and lean towards grace. But if he is pushin hard enough, I willna tolerate it."

Eleanor heaved another sigh, "Okay. Well, I trust you. Do what ye must for Mac. You have good instincts towards our boys. I was just telling John that."

"Thank ye fer that."

She nodded, "I put the bookmark in the place I was reading to Samuel. Could you ask William to read to him tonight?"

"Aye, I think both of the lads would enjoy that."

"And remember to take Hope to the privy before bed."

"Aye."

"And remember its two songs, then one short story...make sure it's about a princess, that's their favorite kinds, and they each need six kisses precisely..." she paused at Jamie's look, "You are giving me a look."

"Eleanor, mo ghraidh, I have been here the past few months...doing all of this with ye. And I dare say if Hope gets three kisses that she willna care."

"I dare say she will," Eleanor gave him the side eye. "Bossy wee thing, is she not?"

Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Like her mama."

She giggled, "At least, we can still laugh, Jamie."

"Aye, sweet lassie. We can."

He grew serious and Eleanor grew contemplative.

He titled his head, "I should go." He reached out a hand for Hugh who had began running off, grabbing him by the back of his shirt and pulling him closer.

"Tell Jenny thank you for the meal."

"Aye, I will." Jamie nodded as he picked up his godson and gave him a quiet admonishment before putting him back down and Hugh sunk to the ground to begin to dig in the dirt, Jamie watching him to make sure he was obeying, "Jamie?"

"Aye?" Jamie tore his eyes away from Hugh towards Eleanor.

"I don't think..." she paused, glancing at him and then looking away, towards Hugh. "I don't think I know what to say to John." Her face flushed and Jamie reached out to touch her arm to get her attention. Her head turned again towards him and he reached to put a finger on her face, tracing her jaw, comforting her.

"I would suspect the prospect of time alone might be troublin ye," Jamie's eyes met hers, "I dinnae think ye have to ken what to say. But I would be truthful. We saw what hidin the truth did when Claire returned. It willna do to try to spare his feelins...there can be no room for that, ye ken," he paused, "Ach, mo ghraidh," he chided gently, "ye look like ye are facin a thrashin."

"A verbal one perhaps?" Eleanor bit her lip and Jamie cupped the side of her face. Eleanor leaned her head into his hand, closing her eyes.

"Do ye really think so?" Jamie asked, lightly. "He told ye that he willna take ye to task and John is a man of honor. He willna break his word to you. Ye dinna need to fear. But ye must face all that has happened, Eleanor."

"I just," she opened her eyes and sniffed hard, her voice breaking, "I feel guilty that I ran to you."

Jamie snorted, "That is quite a revision, mo ghraidh. Ye gave me hell fer months."

Eleanor laughed then, despite being close to tears, "Okay, that's more accurate."

"And then I had to prod ye towards me. It took more patience than I am prone to. But I would do it again."

"Even after what has happened?" Eleanor's voice held her wonder, "Would you really?"

Jamie nodded.

Eleanor closed her eyes, "Oh, Jamie. I do love you so. Sometimes it hurts my soul how much I do."

"I ken ye do, mo ghraidh," he dropped his hand and reached to put his arm around her waist, gently tugging her into his side. He kissed the side of her head, "Ye must remember that I love ye too. No matter where this journey may take us. And ye mustn't feel shame fer what has happened. We both acted honorably in the knowledge we had."

She nodded, "We should talk though. I need to talk with you."

"Aye, tomorrow. Ye can tell me all ye are feelin then. But I must ask fer your honesty as weel. I will accept nothin less from ye, alainn ros."

"Of course," Eleanor said, leaning her head on his shoulder for a moment, allowing him to comfort her, strengthen her. He kissed her head again.

"Now, go on with ye. Lord John is a fair man. And he loves ye verra deeply."

She nodded as she stooped down to kiss Hugh. "Give the bairns extra kisses for me."

"Aye, I will do so."

"Don't forget Hugh's blanket."

"Of course, no. And I do, I dare say Hugh will remind me."

She nodded, kissing Hugh's head again, "Be a good boy for Da, Hugh. Mama will see you later."

She rose and Jamie stooped to pick up Eleanor's son.

"James."

"Eleanor."

She bit her lip.

"Go on with ye. Be a brave, lassie," he gave her a smile. "Don't look back."

She nodded and gave Hugh another kiss before turning around, walking across the yard, up the steps and into the cabin.

Jamie watched her go and then sighed.

"Da sad?" Hugh asked.

"No, my wee laddie. Come. We must go eat supper. Auntie Jenny has it all ready for ye."

"Hugh wanna more bread. No more bread."

"Ah, we will find ye some."

"Mama gone?"

"Only for tonight. Dinna fash lad. There will be plenty to keep us busy. Ye can help me bed the horses for the night."

"Hugh see horsies?"

Jamie nodded and began to walk with him.

Hugh threw his arms around Jamie's neck, burying his head, "Hugh love Da."

"I love ye too, ye wee rascal," Jamie's voice cracked and then turned back to look at the cabin, only for a moment before heading back to the Big House.

Eleanor let out a sigh and then pushed open the door to the cabin. She sank down on the chair by the fireplace.

"How are you faring?" John asked, turning his head towards her.

She shrugged, her eyes watching the empty fireplace.

He studied her briefly, "We should eat. I am famished."

"Of course," Eleanor pushed herself off the chair rose and walked slowly to sit at the table next to him, "Jamie said after dinner he would send Ian and William with your bag."

"Very good. I packed a book from London that I think you will like."

She reached for a piece of bread, tearing it off the loaf, "Even after you knew I thought you were dead and suspected what might could have happened in your absence, you thought to bring me a book?"

"Of course, I did," John cleared his throat, his hand brushing against hers as he reached for the bread, "You are still my Eleanor. I must admit I also brought you a new hat that I think even you wouldn't object to wearing."

"A hat?" she scrunched up her nose.

"You could have used one today. Your face and neck is sunburnt," John said, softly.

"Am I?" Ellie pressed her fingers against her flushed cheeks.

"Indeed, quite red."

"No wonder I feel warm. So, you have bought me a book and a hat." She reached for the ladle to the stew, pouring it in the bowls Jamie bought. "Tis hot for stew, but tis easy to feed lots of mouths."

"Yes."

She took a bite, "I cannot believe you bought me a hat from London."

"And a book," John offered, blowing on his soup before eating it. "Don't forget that. I do think you will enjoy it."

"And a book," Eleanor nodded, "Which naturally I am far more excited about than a hat."

"Naturally," John gave her a smirk, "Will you be excited by the dress that matches the hat?"

Eleanor titled her head, "Oh, John. You bought me a new dress."

"Of course, I did," John acted offended, biting his piece of bread, before dipping it in the strew, "My darling, Eleanor. I know far better after so many years of marriage not to bring you a hat back without a dress to entice you and make you more amendable to wearing said hat. It would never do."

She laughed then. "Oh, John Grey." Her smile reached to her eyes, her face lighting up. "I do not know what to say."

"A thank you would suffice."

"Well now," Eleanor took another sip, "I have not seen the hat, yet..."

He laughed loudly, "No, you have not. You may wait until you see it then. But I do have exceptional taste, as you know."

"Of course you do, my Lord," Eleanor grinned. "Exceptional taste. You must think I look so frumpy today."

"Ellie," John's eyes twinkled and then reached to put his hand over hers, "you are always beautiful. However, part of me is surprised you did not convince Jamie the appropriateness of you wearing breeches on the Ridge."

"Well," Eleanor said, shrugging, "He doesn't particularly approve. And I without a doubt knew it would cause you to roll over in your grave...or I guess your proverbial grave, as the case may be, so...I couldn't bring myself to it."

"I see. Even when you thought I was dead. You cared."

"Of course."

"And that is precisely why I bought you back things from London, because I care," John offered quietly and Eleanor nodded, her acceptance. "Now, do eat your supper. And try to calm yourself. I cannot stand to see you so unsettled in my presence. Please."

"I still can't believe you did this for me. Yes, I knew you would bring things for the children...but..."

"You thought I was dead for months, Eleanor. I cannot imagine the heartache. You deserve far more for what you have endured, though I know showering you with gifts cannot heal the ache you are now feeling. But I thought, it would make you smile. And it did. Now eat. And then we can talk. We have all night."

She nodded, continuing to eat her meal.

"So..." Eleanor sat in the chair as John lit the lamp as dusk was coming. William and Ian had bought the bag when they finished supper and they had chatted with them on the porch for a while.

"Do you wish to sit on the porch or in here?"

"Here is fine," Eleanor said, rubbing her hands against the chair's arms. John pulled a chair from the table to rest in front of Eleanor. He sat down, so they were knee to knee.

She bit her lip and then looked up at him. His eyes met hers, full of tenderness and compassion.

He reached across to rest his hand on her knee. "You look afraid."

She chewed harder on her lip, dropping her eyes to stare at her hands in her lap. "I know we talked about this earlier, but in this moment, facing what we must..." her voice trailed off as she turned over her hands to study them, further.

"Do not fear me," his tone was even, but there was just a hint of admonishment. "You must trust that I am still the man you married...that I am fair and honorable. Do you still believe that of me?"

She nodded.

"Then, look at me, sweetheart," John's voice was gentled even further. "I will not continue until you do."

Eleanor raised her eyes.

"Rationally speaking, you should understand that I would never rebuke you for something that was not your fault. And more over, I gave you my word that I would not do so over you and Jamie. And if I gave you my word, then Eleanor, you should believe me and stop sitting here thrashing yourself on my behalf."

"I am sorry, you are so right, John," she whispered. "I just feel like I failed you."

"You did not. You kept our family running. Our children happy. You lived. Tis what I asked of you."

"I betrayed our marriage vows...again."

"Tis not what happened. As I told you earlier, if I thought you were dead, I would not hesitate to pursue other relationships."

She nodded. "Okay," she cleared her throat. "So, you don't blame me. But we cannot go back. So now what?"

"I do not know," John responded, honestly.

"I don't either."

"What do you wish?" John said, softly. "Do you wish me to release you of the obligations of our vows? You would have my devotion and my friendship, always."

"Is that what you wish?" Eleanor's lip trembled. "Do you not wish us to be married?"

"Tis not what I wish. But I am willing if that is what you wish. I just want to see you happy. And if you are happier with Jamie than with me, then I will honor that."

Her heart flooded with love for this man sitting in front of her. Overcome, she buried her head in his knees.

"There is just so much to work through," she murmured, full of despair. "Tis not just me, it's the children. It's the coming war."

"The children will have an adjustment either way," John said, quietly, "And as for the war..." he began to rub her head, gently, "Tis troublesome, the prospect of our house divided, I will admit. But I do not believe it is anything we cannot conquer and compromise with."

She raised her head, the tears overflowing, "Lord John?" she reached for his hands.

"Yes, Eleanor?"

"I must ask...and God forgive me for doing so, but please be honest with me...I will not judge you, I promise." She bit her lip, sniffling hard.

"I do miss it from time to time...long for that type of liaison," John said, quietly, anticipating her question. "But to never have you again, Eleanor, my soul would shatter...for you are in possession of my soul...Any sexual dalliance would pale in comparison to the sharing of our souls that we have."

"Truly?"

He nodded, "I am being honest with you. And now I ask for your own honesty...would you be happy never being with Jamie again?"

"I don't know," She gripped his hands more tightly. "I would miss being with Jamie too," she whispered.

"In that way specifically?" he asked, lightly.

"In all ways."

He nodded, his acceptance. "And me?"

"In all ways as well," the tears ran down her face. "I was so shattered and lost without you. You anchor me, John."

"And Jamie...he sparks your passion, the untamed fire, deep within you...to live with abandon. He pulls you out of your comfort. He is your opposite, but in being so, perhaps, he is the perfect person for you...to complement you...and complete you."

"John..." Eleanor whispered, "You aren't wrong. He does do all those things...but..." she paused. "I do not know if your conclusion is accurate."

He leaned to kiss her hands, "Tis very easy to become enthralled and entrenched in Jamie Fraser, Eleanor. He is a man like no other."

"But you are too, John Grey. More than you will ever realize."

He kissed her hands again, "Then, perhaps, it comes down to this, Eleanor, what is the life that you wish to live?"

"Oh, John," she sobbed, "I just don't know."

"You will figure it out," John said, his voice kind, "In the meantime, I will not see you so distressed. Let us talk of other matters. Tis not a matter that needs to be decided at this very moment." He let go of one of her hands to reach into his pocket to retrieve, his handkerchief. He shook it out, but instead of handing it to her, he leaned and very gently dabbed her eyes, wiping the tears away. The gesture was sweet, intimate and it started a new round of tears.

"I did not mean to make you cry more, only to take care of you," John admonished, with a small smile. "Try to pull yourself together, my dear."

"It's just that I adore you."

"Likewise, my darling." He wiped her eyes again, one hand gripping her chin as he did, and then leaned to kiss each side of her cheek. "You are so loved." His lips hovered over hers and her heart skipped at the closeness between them, hammering.

"John," she nearly choked.

"Yes," the word strangled in the back of his throat, "I should..." he quickly stood, bumping back the chair as he did. "Forgive me."

Eleanor's hand shot out for his, "No. Please. Do not draw away."

"Do you know what you ask of me?" John righted the chair with his free hand.

"Then, you feel it too?" Eleanor whispered, her face flushing deep. "Still?"

"Eleanor," he grunted and then in an abrupt movement, yanked her up, out of the chair and onto his lap. He leaned his forehead against hers, "You have always thought my attraction for you was less than Jamie's...but in this moment, let me assure you, it is taking considerable restraint to honor your wishes and not to persuade you to allow me liberties with you...because I desire you. I want you. And I have spent months and months..."

"and months and months..." Eleanor whispered, wiggling slightly on his lap.

"And months and months," John's voice was low and intimate, "Away from you...longing for you. Dreaming of you. Do not presume because of my past that my desire for you is somehow so easily pushed aside. Tis great indeed. And I imagined before...I knew what you probably thought, and even after I did, if I am being honest...I thought of all the ways that we could reunite together...some of those ways, betwixt you and I were quite elaborate indeed,"

He felt her body tremble against him and still he forced himself forward, "I dare say you would have thoughts about them, but still I dreamed...and it twas dreams of you, that nearly undid me in the middle of the night...how silly of you to think my desire could run cold...for you, of all persons."

"John," Eleanor's heart hammered, burying her head in his neck, against the fabric of his collar.

"If you choose Jamie, Eleanor, it will not be because you think our passion is dead," he pulled back to look at her, "Or that I'd rather desire the company of a man. Do you understand the intention of my words?"

She nodded.

"Very good," he cleared his throat, "Now go sit over there before I kiss you."

He gently pushed her off his lap and into the chair. He stood, leaning down to kiss her head, "I am going to search for that book I told you about. I think we both could benefit from a moment of reflection and solitude."

"I'd say," Eleanor said, choking again on her words.

He gave her a long, measured look, ending with a small smile and then left her alone.

"Oh God, help me," Eleanor buried her head in her hands.

Because truth be told, Lord John Grey, in his own rights, had the power to crumble her defenses and make awaken her spirit and fire with simply a few carefully chosen words and and a long, measured look. And he knew her so completely well. To justifying being with Jamie, she had lessened the memory of their passion, when truth be told, neither of them ever left their marriage bed wanting for anything. And Jamie had been right...John had made her a better lover, a more passionate, awakened lover. And that could only come from desire that radiated betwixt them.

It was instinctive, intuitive...the relationship betwixt them.

And yet, as she pondered all of this, the heat rising throughout her body, her thoughts went to another man...the man she could never quite let go of, despite years apart and the joy of a satisfied marriage. A man who broke her heart and then effectively healed it. A man who fathered four of her beautiful children and who lived a life that had been so cruel and unfair to him.

God, she was such a fool.

What was she going to do?

A/N: Now that we have seen glimpses of her with both men, who is it going to be? Speak your preferences now... ha ha :) This won't drag out forever. She is going to come to a decision in the next chapter. I feel like she has to. So...?!