"After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done, you're just a part of me I can't let go." - Chicago, Hard to Say I'm Sorry
(O.O)
Sleep was becoming her favorite pastime, simply because it was the only way she saw him.
Her dreams allowed her to have moments she wished she shared with him and although her dreams ended horribly-what with him dusting in front of her every time she told him she loved it, she wouldn't trade those moments for anything.
If she had her way, she'd stay in her bed and sleep throughout the day just so she could be with his shadow.
But she couldn't.
Knowing her friends, they would probably stage an intervention. If any of them found out that she was still missing the vampire that they all were glad was out of her life, they would try to talk to her. Tell her to move on and give her some lies about being happy because that's what Spike would've wanted from her.
Like they knew what Spike wanted.
Her friends didn't understand her pain. They didn't understand that she needed Spike, and would probably try to take him away from her under their biased notion that it wasn't healthy for her to get stuck on the memory of a dead man.
She didn't want that to happen.
So by day, she did her work. She trained the mini Slayers, helped Giles do Council stuff, and do patrols, all for the sake of easing their worries about her and hiding the truth about what she was going through.
She didn't want them to get involved with how she was living her life, even if she was living it by clinging to the dreams of a ghost of the man she loved.
She smiled as she finally laid down on her comfy bed, waiting for sleep to take her.
To take her to him.
She was mere seconds away from succumbing to sleep when she heard a soft knock on the door.
She groaned.
She wanted nothing more than to yell at whoever it was to go away. But again, she needed to act like normal Buffy so they wouldn't suspect her.
Standing up, she approached her door and opened it to see who it was.
It was Dawn.
What the heck did she want?
(O.O)
It took her three days, since calling Spike, for her to complete her plans and now she was putting everything into motion.
She had everything ready.
She was able to secure money from Giles, under the false notion that she needed it for a school trip. She already reserved two tickets for a flight to LA and booked a hotel for her stay when she got there.
Now all that's left to do was to convince her sister to come with her so she could stop moping and see the guy she was moping for.
She waited for Buffy to come home from patrol and waited a few more minutes, just so no one else was still awake, for her to go to her sister's room. This plan needed secrecy and it wouldn't do her any good if someone found out before she could put things into motion.
It was about one in the morning when she knocked at her sister's door. Moments later, she heard the lock clicking and the door opened to reveal her sister, already in her nightwear, probably getting ready for bed.
"Hey, can I talk to you?" she asked, hoping that she wouldn't be turned away.
"Sure, sweety," her sister said with that fake smile that would've put the Buffy-bot to shame.
She entered the room and walked to the bed so she could sit. She waited for the door to close before finally telling her sister the purpose of her visit.
"Spike's back," she blurted, before wincing. She planned to ease the news to her sister gently, but her nerves got the better of her.
"What?" Her sister asked, not certain that she heard her right.
So she repeated, slowly this time.
"Spike's back. He's in LA with Angel and he's staying there because he's an idiot who thinks we don't want him."
She saw the confusion in her sister's eyes and she knew she should handle this carefully, but she couldn't stop her mouth from the word vomit that came out after those first words.
"Look, I know for a fact that we do want him. I know you miss him, Buffy. I hear you cry out his name every night in your room. And I have a plan to go to him so we can convince him to come with us or for us to stay with him. Whatever you guys want. But I just want my best friend back and I can't do that without you, so I'm here to convince you to come with me to LA to see him."
By the end of her long speech, she winced again.
God, she was an idiot. So much for handling this carefully. She had just bombarded her sister with tons of information and it looked like she actually broke her by the way the other simply stood there looking shocked and frozen.
"Buffy?"
Fortunately, this seemed to be enough for her sister to come back to reality.
"Did you just say that Spike is back?"
(O.O)
Out of all the things she expected when she opened that door. Dawn telling her that Spike was back wasn't one of them.
Too many emotions ran through her heart.
The biggest ones were happiness and elation.
Her vampire was back. Sure, he was across the pond, but he was back. Living or unliving or whatever. The important thing was that he was back and she could see him.
Next, she felt confused and hurt.
He was back but he didn't call her. Why didn't he come to her? Didn't he want her anymore? Did he go back to hating her? Was that why he hadn't come to her? Was she too late? Did she finally lose him?
Her sister was saying more things, but her mind was still focused on one thing.
"Did you just say that Spike was back?"
Later, she was finally calm enough to get the real story from her sister.
She learned about how her vampire came back, and about his time as a ghost. She found out about his decision to stay away from her, which though it hurt her, she understood. And finally, she was informed about how Giles and Willow were keeping Spike's return a secret from her, thinking it was for her own good.
The last one pissed her off the most.
God, the nerve of them!
How dare they keep this a secret? How dare they think they still had a say in her life? And how dare they think that she was just going to be okay with them betraying her like this, again?
It seemed that her friends were not through with making decisions for her and running her life.
God, she had half the mind to go to them and finally punch all of them in the face for this-
She didn't notice she was already moving towards the door until she was being stopped by Dawn.
"You can't go to them and let them know that you know about Spike, Buffy," her sister told her.
"Why not? I want them to give them a piece of my mind and maybe let them have a taste of my fist. How dare they decide for me? Wasn't kicking me out of my house back in Sunnydale enough? Do they really have to ruin me further by breaking my heart by not telling me about Spike's return?"
"No, they had no right to do that to you or me. They had no right. But telling them that you know about Spike is a bad idea."
The urgency in her sister's voice convinced her to listen.
"While I would want nothing other than to see you put them in their place, it's not the time. I mean, I don't know what they are capable of. If they learn that you know about Spike's return, who knows what they'll do. They could try to hurt you or magic you into forgetting about Spike or something."
She understood her sister's concern. But she knew her friends wouldn't go that far to try and keep her under their grasp.
Wouldn't they? A voice whispered in her head.
She knew the extent that her friends were willing to go to to keep her. Hell, they pulled her out of Heaven because they thought they couldn't live without her. Would it really be that unbelievable for them to magic her into forgetting about the man she loved?
She couldn't take the risk to find out.
She stopped resisting her sister and sat back down on her bed with the teen.
"Look, you have every right to be angry with them. I'm angry too. But we can't risk this, Buffy. I can't risk losing Spike again."
She nodded, understanding what her sister was saying.
They really couldn't risk telling her friends.
So instead, she opted to listen to her sister's plans.
Moments later, she contemplated on the plan that she just heard from Dawn.
She was impressed at the details her sister put into her plans. Dawn already told Giles that her class was going on a week-long trip to Rome to explore the historical sites. With that excuse, she was able to get enough money to not only buy the two of them tickets back to LA, but she had enough to book a hotel for a couple of days. Within that time, they would be able to convince Spike to come with them.
"Well, what do you think?" The teen asked.
"I like the plan, but I'm worried about a couple of things."
"Okay. Hit me," her sister said.
"First, we need more time to prepare than to just going in guns blazing with this. I mean, sure we can stay at a hotel for a day or two, but what if we end up staying there longer? What if it takes more time to convince Spike? What if he doesn't want to leave LA? We need to consider these things as well."
"That's more than just a couple of things. Plus, why the heck would you think that Spike wouldn't want to leave LA? I mean, you're already there to pick him up. What more would he need?"
"Dawn, it's not that simple. He's built a life for himself there. We can't just ask him to leave it."
"Then don't ask him that. Ask him to let us stay with him. Buffy, I don't want to live here anymore. I want to stay away from the Council and your friends. I want to go back to America and be with Spike. Don't you feel the same?"
She did. But at the same time, she didn't want to force him to accept having her back in his life. She had that chance once before and she ruined it.
Maybe it was a bad idea for her to see him after all.
"Oh, no. Don't give me that look," she heard Dawn say.
She looked at her sister. "What look?"
"The maybe-it's-best-that-I-leave-him-alone look. Buffy, he's staying away because he thinks no one wants him here. But I want him and you want him. Why on Earth would you want to torture yourself by staying away from him?"
Why? She repeated in her head.
"Because he deserves better, Dawnie," she answered, with a deprecating smile, "Do you want to know why he thought it was better to stay away? Because he has had enough of me."
She felt a lump in her throat. She was going to open up to her sister about their past and it was hurting her to remember the awful things she did to her vampire. But she knew she needed to let Dawn know about it. At least so her sister could understand why she should just stay away from Spike.
"Throughout our relationship, I have been nothing but hot and cold with him. I called him names. I hit him and denied his love. I used him for sex and abused him in every way. But he always came back for more."
Now that she started she couldn't stop. She told her sister their nasty history. Confessed her crimes to the teen and what she did to the vampire they both know and love. She knew it was hurting her sister to learn about what happened during the time she recently came back from heaven, but she had to get it out for the teen to understand why she was hesitant to go to Spike and why she thought her vampire was better off without her.
Spike deserved to be happy. And if he thought he was happy away from her? Why should she change that? Why should she force him to accept her when in the end, she'd end up hurting him again.
You always hurt the ones you love.
He said that to her once and those words would ring true if she went to him.
"You're an idiot, a poophead and ditz," Dawn stated.
"Hey!" she cried, sounding offended.
But Dawn ignored her and even though she had tears falling from her teen eyes, she still gave her sister an I-can't-believe-I'm-related-to-you look.
"He deserves better? That's what you think? Buffy, you mean the world to that vampire. If you want you to give him something he deserves then give him your love."
"But I already do love him, Dawnie, and I did try to tell him that back in the Hellmouth."
"You mean that pathetic attempt of a declaration you said, right before he died? You call that a declaration of love? I call that lip service. Buffy, you said it yourself, you've been hot and cold to him. Your 'yes,' meant 'no' and 'no' meant 'yes.' Do you really think that telling him you love him while he was about to die would make him believe that you loved him? Of course not! He has no idea what you feel for him and he thought it was best to leave."
"Then why should I follow him? He chose to stay away, Dawn. Isn't that enough evidence to prove that he no longer wants me?"
"And I'll say it again. You're an idiot! Buffy, Spike will never stop wanting you. He loves you."
There was great conviction in her sister's voice that took her aback.
"He just stopped hoping for you to love him back. He's staying away to give you a chance at happiness because he thinks that's what you want."
"But I'm not happy."
"No, you're miserable. But Angel, Andrew, maybe Giles and Willow, all told him that you're happy, and living the life you always wanted and you're living it without him. What do you think he's gonna feel? Of course, he's staying away."
A heavy feeling clogged her heart as she continued to listen to her sister.
"Do you really think he deserves that? To feel he's never enough for the women he loves? Do you want him to continue living his second chance of unlife believing no one other than a former Key loves him? That's not fair, Buffy. You know that."
She was starting to believe her sister's words. It wasn't fair for Spike indeed.
"You want him to get what he deserves? Then go to him and tell him you love him. Get him back. For once in your entire relationship with Spike, fight for your love for him. I mean, you fought for all of us, can't you do the same for him?"
After that conversation, Dawn left her alone with her thoughts. She tried to recall her entire relationship with Spike and found the truth in her sister's words.
While she had a lot of experience in saving Spike's butt, she never once openly admitted to him how much he meant to her. Sure, she told him that she wasn't ready for him to not be there, in those last days back in Sunnydale, but that just meant eventually she would get tired of him and would ask him to leave. Never had she clearly told him of her intentions that she wanted to have something more with him.
It was no wonder he hadn't believed her. Saying I love you to him only at the very end was indeed mere lip service and it didn't feel real for Spike because of everything she had put him through.
She really didn't deserve him. But she did agree with her sister though. Spike deserved to be happy and if she could make him happy, then why was she still hesitating?
Because you're a coward. Her mind told her.
She was indeed a coward. Someone who's afraid of a lot of things.
She was afraid of the possibility that Spike no longer felt the same for her. She was afraid of the reality that once again she made another man in her life leave her. She was afraid to learn that she was too late and that she had lost him forever.
But the important question she needed an answer to was whether she was going to let those fears affect her choice of seeing Spike.
Normally, she would say yes. She was tired of chasing after the men who left her. First, it was her dad, then Angel, Riley, and Giles.
She tried to chase after such men, only to find that they were all firm in their decisions to leave her. Should she really do the same for Spike?
Yes, you should. Once again, her mind answered her.
But why?
Because out of all those men, he's the one whose love you never fought for because he's the only one who willingly gave you his heart over and over and over again, despite how many times you trampled it. He never left and when he did he always came back.
But he left now and he wasn't planning to come back. Should she still force herself to go after him?
Instead of arguing with her though, her mind merely replayed Dawn's words from earlier.
For once in your entire relationship with Spike, fight for your love for him. I mean, you proved to me and all of your friends that you loved us, can't you do the same for him?
Prove her love to Spike.
She thought back on her dreams. The Spike in her dreams always denied her love and died before she had a chance to prove to him that she was serious about how she felt. Now that the real Spike was back, she finally had that chance.
And she wasn't going to waste it.
She was still scared of what would happen when she saw Spike. But now that she thought about what happened all these months while she thought he was dead, she realized that she was far more scared of feeling the emotions she felt in her dreams whenever her vampire died without believing she loved him.
The pain, regret, and sorrow all rolled into one big pile of emotion that broke her heart every night.
She hated that. She no longer wanted to feel such things.
To stop herself from feeling those things again, she knew she had to see Spike and prove to him that she did-or does-love him and that she wants him in her life.
Because he deserves to know how important he is to her.
TBC
(O.O)
THANK YOU FOR READING.