Victor had been forced to sit with the harsh reality of his actions. When he woke up that morning, broken limbs aching, he used the dull pain as an excuse to let himself cry again. He reached for his phone on instinct to check if he'd received any messages from Benji, frowning a second later once he realized that this was a fool's errand. Even if he had gotten something from Benji, he wouldn't have seen it; he'd blocked his number. For once, Victor was actually happy that he had therapy later on. The only person he wanted to talk to at that moment had been excavated from his life like a diamond from deep within the earth. He knew he would wear the scar on his heart for the rest of his life.
Pushing himself slowly into a sitting position, Victor sighed, wiping his eyes in his sleeve. He really didn't have the energy for this nonsense. Instead of going on with his life, he wanted to curl up under his covers, to create a hermit's cave of them, where he could live out the rest of his life away from everyone so he couldn't cause anymore harm. Why did doing the right thing have to be so painful?
He groaned, retreating back under his sheets and covering his head to block out the light that poured in through the curtains. The sun mocked him, a cruel reminder that today was another day, and he would have to eventually give into reality. But he wasn't ready for that yet.
Luckily, Victor had managed to reach out to his therapists and to school to let them know of the situation and so he could watch lectures online, as well as attend therapy virtually. He was a bit irritated that this didn't come up until after he had been injured and wouldn't have the opportunity to drive himself to campus, but he decided that he would take what he could get. Anything that allowed him to get away with not leaving his bed was a welcome prospect now. He'd even managed to get extensions on his assignments, and his community service was moved to a time after he recovers. If he had known this would happen, he would have crashed his car sooner. Gritting his teeth, he knew he shouldn't let his mind go there. But having some peace, the chance to rest - he needed it. And with Benji out of the picture, he could finally focus on himself.
As soon as he had curled up like a tortoise in its shell, not to be bothered for the rest of his life, he heard the soft ding of a notification on his phone. He didn't want to be on his phone right now, but something pulled his hand toward it regardless.
Another ding sounded as Victor brought his phone to his face, wincing as the movement displaced his broken limbs a bit. He saw three text notifications: one from Mia, another from Felix, and the other, sent at 3 am his time, was from… Soledad?
For a moment he wondered how he even had her contact details, but then he remembered that she had given him her details so he could contact her. He wondered what she could possibly want from him; they didn't know each other; they weren't friends; she was his ex's friend, as far as he knew, and she lived in England, so there was literally no real reason for him to retain contact with her. But he would entertain it. Later.
"How'd it go with Benji? ?" Felix messaged him, and Victor was glad they weren't using walkie talkies anymore because he definitely was not in the mood to talk.
"It went… pretty fucking terribly, but we're done now ? ﾟﾒﾔ" Victor wrote back, typing slowly since he only had one hand to work with. "I'm sick of crying. And I don't feel like getting out of bed for the rest of the year"
"Want me to come over?" came Felix's instantaneous reply. "I don't have anything going on til later ?￢ﾀﾝ
"No thx" Victor wrote. "Not in a talking mood ?￢ﾀﾝ
"Understandable. But as always, lemme know if you need anything, I'm always here ? ﾟﾙﾏ?￢ﾀﾝ Felix wrote back. "Good luck man ?￢ﾀﾝ
Happy to have ended the conversation with Felix, Victor moved onto the message he had received from Mia, frowning when he saw what she had written.
"I heard you broke up with Benji. Don't you think it's a little fucked up to decide that for yourself and to do that literally right after he ended up in the hospital because he was worried about you?" Mia had written, the rage radiating like licks of fire from the screen of his phone. Her lack of emojis was off putting. "Why would you do that?"
His cheeks grew hot with shame and he felt like he was about to start crying again. Benji must have told her, Victor realized, and he had every right to, considering they're friends. There was no way he would be able to escape people trying to be in his business; Victor's and Benji's social circles, at least in Atlanta, had a bit of an overlap. People talked. This was going to be a huge mess, and Victor didn't have the bandwidth to deal with it. He left her on read. If she was upset, she would just have to deal with it.
Closing the message from Mia, Victor scrolled down to the message from Soledad from earlier, his stomach doing somersaults as he contemplated opening it. Rolling his eyes at himself for being so hesitant, Victor opened the message, mouth falling open as he read.
"I thought you were better than that, Victor. Benji spoke so highly of you and I really thought you were a good person, but seeing how you've behaved has me absolutely disgusted. I'm not expecting you to read this or to even take this seriously, but as someone who cares for Benji, and speaking to someone I thought also cares for him, you've made a mistake. If he ends up hurting himself again, I hope you know it will actually be your fault this time. You don't just abandon people and take away their right to decide things for themselves when they start properly struggling; you help them. And I know you might not want to hear it, but you're being the definition of a fuckboy and it's pathetic. People like you pretend they're so kind and good, and then at the first sign of struggle, they bail. No amount of therapy can turn you into a less shit human being. Have a nice life."
The message took up the entirety of the screen on Victor's phone, and with each word, he felt his blood pressure rising. To think this girl, who didn't know him aside from the few times they'd spoken via video chat, or secondhand from Benji, she had the audacity to not only act like she knew him, but also to judge him? The instinct to defend himself fortified itself within him, a castle preparing to have a siege laid upon it by an ill intentioned enemy. He didn't have to answer to her. She wasn't his mother or God. And yet, why did her words sting him down to his blood like scorpion venom?
He would have thrown his phone across the room if he hadn't remembered his homework for Dr. Delgado in the nick of time. Breathing deeply and ignoring the pang in his chest, Victor instead held his phone to his chest, blinking away the red behind his eyelids. He gritted his teeth. Reading the message again and again until it lost most of its bite, Victor memorized the words she had written to him.
Maybe there was some truth to Soledad's words. He hadn't yet parsed through what it was, but he would find it. As he had learned in therapy, it was necessary to examine himself for his own sake and for the sake of those he loves. And he still loved Benji. But he hadn't made a mistake. Maybe his timing hadn't been ideal, but it would have happened sooner or later. Or maybe it wouldn't have. He had no way of truly knowing. So he had to accept that and move on.
"Thank you for this" Victor wrote to her, hand heavy. "I clearly have some thinking to do."
Glancing at the clock on his phone, Victor bolted upright when he realized he only had a couple of minutes before his meeting with Dr. Delgado. He picked up his laptop from his night table and opened it with a bit of a struggle. Good thing it was a Saturday so he wouldn't have to deal with the nonsense of online lectures that day. Hopefully the evening would come soon enough, and the thoughts of Benji would stop floating about his brain like poison.
Benji blinked awake, squinting as the light barraged through the window. For once, there were no clouds in the sky. He hated how nature mocked him, allowing him to wake up miserable on such a lovely day.
It took him a few moments for Benji to realize where he was; at first, he had simply accepted that his room looked a little different, with the furniture rearranged and some darker decor, along with sheet music and pages from books that had been ripped out and highlighted taped all over the walls. He almost felt like he was in the den of a mad scientist. After his initial assessment, he became acutely aware of the warmth against his back as a body shifted behind him.
He slowly turned, jaw clenching and face heating up as his gaze raked over Ish's sleeping form. Benji envied how peaceful he looked, sprawled out on his back, barely making a sound as he breathed. For a moment, Benji simply watched him. His heavily-tattooed torso left little of his natural skin color exposed, instead populated by mostly black with splashes of color. He seemed to have a preference for script and images of animals that looked like they had been painted on with watercolors. Last night, he had been too distracted to have a proper look. But seeing Ish in that state made him feel like he was doing something wrong. So he looked away.
The events of the previous night came back to him in an avalanche. He covered his face with his hands, rolling back on his side to face the room instead. For some reason, he didn't want to look at Ish anymore. He felt disgusted with himself for using someone who had only been kind to him for affection because he had been hurt and lonely. Well, was. The pang in his chest when his thoughts inevitably turned to Victor was like a stake in his heart because he knew the feeling would last a while. It mixed with that feeling of agonizing waiting… but waiting for what? He didn't know.
Sighing, he picked up his phone from the floor and glanced at the time. 7:42. Still too early to be awake. And truthfully, after the night he'd had, it sounded like a Herculean task to remove himself from bed. He went to his message inbox out of habit before sighing upon seeing it empty. Only a fool would expect differently.
It was silly, too, for Benji to expect any of his friends from back home to care about him. He wanted to wallow in that thought when he noticed a message from Mia that had been delivered, but for some reason he hadn't gotten any indication that he'd received it. Making a mental note to get a new phone sometime soon, he opened it.
"hey how are you holding up? ?￢ﾝﾤ️" she'd asked. "we've been worried about you."
Raising an eyebrow, Benji did some quick math to see if she would still be awake at this hour, and then said fuck it and started typing anyway.
"who's 'we'? and I feel like my heart's been crushed and I kinda wanna die. Vic dumped me last night ? said some bullshit about not wanting to be responsible for me hurting myself again"
He sent the message without the expectation of her replying anytime soon, but was surprised to see the ellipses bubbling up on the screen after a few seconds.
"wtf? what is wrong with him?" came Mia's initial response.
"(We is me, Lake, Pilar and I guess Andrew likes you now so him too btw.)" she added.
"UGH I'M SO ANGRY FOR YOU!" Mia followed up, her fingers typing at speeds fast enough to break the sound barrier.
Benji couldn't help but smile. He'd wished he could have heard directly from his other friends but he was glad that they all seemed to be in his corner. Many of his other high school friends had become strangers as soon as they had graduated, so it was nice to see that someone was actually concerned for him.
"Idk maybe therapy made him realize he deserves someone better than me" Benji wrote, acridity rising in the back of his throat.
"no negative self talk allowed! ?￢ﾀﾝ Mia wrote back almost immediately. "be happy you're still here because we'd be worse off without you. and I know having someone just drop out of your life is tough. you don't need to tell me because my mom did the same thing. so I get it."
"thanks for listening ❤️" Benji wrote back, feeling somewhat relieved that he was able to speak with her. It was good to get it off his chest and to tell someone who understood. "also um… would you judge me if I told you I slept with Ish last night? ? I feel bad about it but like… it happened ? not as good as Vic but it'll have to do"
His face reddened a bit as he sent the message. Glancing behind him to see Ish still in the throes of REM, Benji quietly gathered his clothes, throwing on his underwear before slipping out into the corridor to hide away in his room. He definitely needed to shower. Despite his and Ish's efforts to clean up at three in the morning, it was hard to be thorough in that state. He could feel himself sticking in places that had no business sticking.
When he turned the shower on and let the cool water roll down his energy-starved body, he thought about the short conversation he and Victor had last night. As much as it had hurt and surprised him, he could somewhat see where the other was coming from. He had acted recklessly. He had put his own life at risk. But it had been because he was worried about losing Victor. He'd killed two birds with one stone in that instance. It wasn't fair for him to put so much of himself into his relationships and then to lose his shit when something bad happens because he was afraid of losing the relationship. He'd taken the leap to be with Victor and it had been the best decision he'd ever made in his life. But perhaps he needed to take time for himself, too.
He tried to think of a time when he wasn't in a relationship, when he did what he wanted for himself and didn't think about how it would impact his partner. It had been seven years. Ever since he started puberty, he'd always had a partner. He realized he didn't really know himself as Benji, only Benji in relation to his partners. If he didn't exist for others, did he exist at all? Victor had given him an opportunity to truly find himself. He wanted to take it.
Turning off the water and grabbing his towel, Benji dried himself off. He ruffled his wet hair to try and get some of the moisture out. Feeling refreshed despite his exhaustion and significantly less disgusting, he put on a fresh pair of underwear.
His heart still ached for Victor. But he wasn't going to let that ruin his time in London. He would become better. For himself.
Benji exited the bathroom, trying to keep himself from making too much noise as he trekked down the corridor. The door to Ish's room opened as he passed, and Ish jumped when he saw him. Chuckling, Benji approached him.
They eyed each other for a moment, before Benji stood on his toes and kissed Ish, nipping at his lower lip.
"Thanks for last night," Benji said as he pulled away. "It was fun. But I wanted you to know that I'm not ready for another relationship right now."
Ish gave him a small smile. "I figured as much. But I wasn't expecting anything of you."
Eyes widening, Benji didn't know how to respond to this. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, of course. I like you, and we can do it again whenever you want. But I wasn't expecting you to become my boyfriend, yeah. I don't believe in that sort of thing, anyways. I mean, I'm aromantic, so being tied down was never my thing," Ish said.
For a second, Benji sparred with himself; he shouldn't be hurt by the admission. He had decided that he didn't want anything for the moment either, and he could understand not wanting to be someone's rebound. But for some reason, he had been hoping for a different answer. Something about him not believing in relationships reminded him a bit of Derek. But Ish was much kinder and more understanding than Derek; he didn't make him feel burdensome for existing.
What he had wanted for Ish to say was: "I'm ready when you are."
Now he knew that would never happen. He blinked back tears, hoping Ish didn't notice. All Benji said was: "I see."