Somehow, but she wouldn't share how, Soledad had managed to score tickets to view the New Years Eve fireworks on the bank of the Thames. Her only request of them was that they all dress up in their poshest outfits, which Benji was happy to oblige.
As usual, she insisted on doing Benji's makeup, complaining that despite his tan, his eye bags were still too obnoxious. And so he allowed her to cover them with concealer and a little bit of winged eyeliner. He wouldn't say it aloud, but he did secretly enjoy having an excuse to wear makeup, because for some reason "just because" didn't seem like a good enough reason; plus, as good as he was at drawing, doing his own makeup was too frustrating, but maybe he would learn eventually.
While he dressed himself in a simple red tux with fitted trousers and coordinated leather loafers, he reflected on the year. That was what one was meant to do at this time, right? He tried his best to block the memory of Victor from his mind, using all his willpower to shove it into the center of the labyrinth of his mind where he wouldn't venture on his own so the hedges could cover it from view. Now wasn't the time to think about when they had borrowed Mia's cabin in the Georgia mountains, just the two of them, and hid away from the world, fucking and then cuddling under the light of the fireworks as they reminisced about how they'd almost got caught by the cops in those very mountains a couple of years before.
Slicking his hair back with some gel, Benji sighed. He wanted to make some resolutions. The first, which he was failing at miserably, was to decide if he wanted to be with Victor. He subconsciously knew the answer.
But he also didn't want things to go back to how they were. He wanted to be better. Less needy. More sure of himself. For his own sake, he needed to remind himself. Luckily, due to the fact that they were on holiday from university now, Benji had enough time on his hands to do research on who he wanted to entrust his brain to in the New Year, having narrowed the list down to three candidates. Tomorrow, he would make his final decision.
Of course, Benji had other resolutions. Quitting smoking was another big one, and to get off Xanax completely another. Then he could go back to being teetotal. Finally. He knew he shouldn't have fucked with drugs in the first place. They weren't as fun for him as they were for other people.
Aside from going to therapy and getting his goofy brain under control, Benji wanted to improve himself in other ways. He wanted to learn to play more instruments, and perhaps try more vocal training. Hopefully his smoking habit hadn't wrecked his vocal chords, but he imagined that once he stopped he would be fine. He just needed to keep up his routine, stay busy, so he wouldn't have to think about the searing pocket in his heart that Victor had inhabited.
Once Benji finished getting ready, he exited his room, putting on his overcoat and buttoning it up. His friends soon joined him, Soledad dressed in a shimmery golden pantsuit with gold heels to match and a faux-fur coat over it, and Rhiannon donning a simple short black dress with a black peacoat over it. Ish and Nikita also donned different color tuxedos, with Ish teasing about how little variety there was for men's fashion for those not adventurous enough to try something outside the box. Benji smiled politely, mentally kicking himself for being attracted to Ish at any point because he was honestly mad corny.
They took the Tube from South Kensington to Waterloo, a bit of a clunky route because geographically, it wasn't far, but they had to transfer trains at Westminster on one of the busiest nights of the year to go to the busiest train station in all of England. Soledad didn't care because it beat walking or biking or heavens forbid taking the bus in her five inch heels. They packed into one of the thankfully ventilated carriages of the Jubilee line going east, feeling ridiculous as other passengers crammed in along with them. Just one stop.
When they had managed to climb out of the train, drenched with sweat, they grabbed onto each other tightly so as to not get separated from one another. They tried to retreat to someplace there wasn't populated by a trillion people, but to no avail. Human beings in a pile stretched across the entirety of both banks of the Thames, and the only place where they could have a reasonable amount of breathing room was under a tree a foot or so away from the crowd. It would have to do.
Shivering as the wind blew past them, they huddled together to share body heat as they waited for the fireworks show to begin, the sounds of people chattering and music playing drowning out any coherent thoughts Benji could have in that moment.
Once the clock struck midnight, the fireworks show began, illuminating the sky above the London Eye with colorful bouquets. For a moment, despite the noise from the explosions, Benji felt peaceful. He watched, mesmerized by the lights, Victor's face flashing before him for an instant before it vanished. The weight of waiting seemed to lessen just a bit. Somehow, he knew things would be all right.
It was Victor's turn to be at a loss for words. Almost a week after reading Benji's message to him, Victor felt like he was back where he started, rooted in place, the earth drawing him into it and threatening to swallow him whole. He lifted his feet from the floor, unraveling the vine-like appendages, the psychological load lightening ever so slightly. His good leg bouncing up and down, Victor sipped on his second rum and coke, cringing a bit at the strong, bitter taste but preferring it over any other form of alcohol. He took a few more sips, hoping it would quiet his mind a bit.
Even though Victor had been lucky to finally get out of the house properly for the first time in a while, he wasn't sure where he was better off - at Mia's New Years Eve party or in his own home. The cast on his leg had been off for two days, and he still struggled to walk, so he remained sedentary for most of the time. It was awkward to constantly have to ask his friends to bring him things, but they were gracious enough not to say anything about it, obliging him without complaint. Victor was thankful no one made a fuss over him.
Sat between Felix and Lake on one side, and Mia and Andrew on the other, Victor felt very much like a third wheel. His friends tried to pretend like he wasn't there alone, despite the fact that Benji's absence served as a loud and blatant reminder of how much Victor had fucked up.
At least Felix seemed to be attempting to include Victor, whereas Mia appeared uncomfortable with his presence, avoiding his gaze, despite her insistence that he attend. Perhaps she simply wanted to be polite, since she had invited many of their old classmates to her mansion for New Years Eve celebrations.
The lack of parental supervision was a recipe for chaos, and with Mia's insistence that if they were in Europe they would have been able to drink at this age, the presence of alcohol in such quantities earned a shrug from Mia and nothing more. Victor's vigilance when handling alcohol around Benji remained even now, despite his absence, and Victor had to remind himself that he could drink without thinking about it now because he didn't have to worry about Benji relapsing. Freezing, Victor pushed the thought away, downing the rest of his drink as the image of Benji crumpled in a pile on the ground, unmoving, plastered itself to his mental screen.
"Felix, could you make me another drink, please?" Victor asked his best friend with a tight-lipped smile, earning a wide-eyed stare from Felix.
"Sure thing, buddy. But you can slow down, you know. It's not a competition," Felix chuckled, clapping Victor on the shoulder gently before he rose and ran over to the kitchen to play bartender.
He decided that after his third drink he would go out and have a smoke. It was a bit after 11 at night, with the big-screen television showing footage of the concert in Times Square as they waited for the ball to drop. If it hadn't been for the black-tie dress code and the date on the calendar, Victor wouldn't think that they were going into a new year. He hadn't even spent any time thinking about the future or what he wanted to do with himself, his mental compass continuing to spin, flip-flopping in different directions every so often.
Victor contemplated the arbitrariness of this day, how in the grand scheme of things, it meant nothing. This day, like the tens of thousands he would experience throughout his lifetime, would also become insignificant in the same way his body would after the ground claimed him, engulfing him and using the elements in his body to build new life.
The nitrogen in his muscles would break down to become soil for the trees and shrubs, the carbon would become fuel, the calcium in his bones would also go to feed the soil, with the rest going where nature took it, whether it be into the water or the air. He didn't know what came after that for his soul, but he found comfort in the idea that perhaps he wasn't so insignificant after all.
Breaking him from his thoughts, Felix returned with Victor's drink, handing it to him with a comical bow. Victor sipped at it, his previous drinks already hitting him a bit. He blinked as time seemed to slow down even further, the volume around him going a bit higher yet his ability to comprehend what people were saying falling to abysmal depths. Unbuttoning his blazer as the heat traveled across him, Victor leaned back against the couch and finished his drink again. He opened his mouth to ask Felix to get him another drink.
"That's enough," Mia said curtly, snatching the empty glass from Victor's hand and setting it on the coffee table with a loud clack. "Victor, a word?"
Shooting up from the couch, Mia gritted her teeth as she took Victor by the hand, attempting to pull him up. Even in her pointy red heels she still looked tiny in comparison to Victor, barely taller than he was in his seated position.
Eventually, Victor rose, too, tottering as he tried not to put too much pressure on his healing leg, leaning on Mia a bit; she wobbled under his weight before she steadied them both with a sigh. Glancing around as she thought of where they could go, Mia's eyes landed on the front door. She directed them both through it and onto the porch, the chatter from the party happening within falling silent with the click of the door.
"What are you doing, Vic?" Mia asked, sitting them down on the stoop.
"Nothing," he murmured, head lolling to the side to rest against the railing.
Rolling her eyes, Mia grabbed Victor by the chin, forcing him to look at her. "You just downed three strong drinks one after the other. That's not nothing. Felix really needs to put his foot down more with you…"
Victor's eyes drooped closed. "Can you talk… less loudly, please? Thanks."
Groaning to herself, Mia narrowed her eyes as she sucked her teeth. "You keep being irresponsible and acting like you're the victim… Like, you hurt Benji and have the nerve to want us to pity you? Oh, what am I even saying, you're too drunk to listen to me, anyway. You're really good at fucking up relationships that don't need touching, huh."
Humming to himself, Victor said nothing in return for a bit. Mia wasn't sure if he wasn't hearing her or if he was ignoring her; she didn't have the patience to figure out which.
"Didn't even… send that email… on purpose…" Victor said, more to himself than to Mia, her eyes widening with the realization. At this point, she knew she wouldn't get the answer she wanted. He wasn't all there. She would ask him later.
Taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly, Mia rested her head on her hand and simply watched Victor, his body behaving like gelatin rather than actual flesh and bone. She couldn't believe that at one point, she had been attracted to this mess of a man.
"I want… a smoke," Victor muttered, shoving his hand in his pocket and fishing out his cigarillos and a small bag of plant. With shaky hands, he prepared a blunt, dumping the tobacco from within one of the cigarillos on the sidewalk. Mia cringed.
"Okay, fine, I do feel a bit bad for you," Mia sighed, holding Victor's hand steady so he wouldn't rip open the wrapper as he sprinkled some little bits of weed inside and rolled it up. "Why else would you be getting crossfaded on New Years Eve?"
When Victor had assembled his blunt, he pulled out a lighter and lit it, taking the smoke deep into his lungs. It painted his insides rainbow before he exhaled, blowing straight ahead and closing his eyes tightly as the wind blew it back into his face. Mia covered her mouth as she chuckled. Victor offered her a smoke, but she declined.
They sat like that for a while as Victor finished his blunt. Soon, he was staring off into space, humming to himself for a bit before he quieted down, eyes glazed over. Mia raised an eyebrow.
"You good?" Mia asked him after a long silence.
For a moment, Victor continued with his staring as if he hadn't heard her. Then he looked at her and nodded slowly, pupils taking up almost the entirety of his iris. "Yeah. But… I think I wanna be… alone."
"Oh, no you don't. I'm not leaving you out here by yourself. Not a chance."
Pouting, Victor let his head rest on Mia's shoulder. She shook her head, pushing him off gently and standing up as she tried to pull him back up. It was if Victor had gotten heavier in the last few minutes.
"But I wanna watch the fire… works," Victor retorted, letting his hand slip out of her grip.
Pursing her lips, Mia smoothed his hair back before walking up to the top of the stoop. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere, okay?"
Victor wavered but nodded. Mia ran inside, her heels click-clacking against the floor. She returned with their friends in tow, along with bottles of champagne and flutes, setting them down as they all got comfortable on the stoop.
After popping the champagne and pouring it up for everyone, they sat together as the fireworks shot up into the sky, blocking out the stars behind them. Victor was glad he was high out of his mind, or else he knew he would have thought himself into a knot that he wouldn't be able to undo. Instead, he simply watched the fireworks, his mouth agape as the colors intensified, vibrating a bit as he blinked a few times to right his gaze.
Once they had clinked their glasses to wish each other a Happy New Year, they sat sipping their champagne. Mia slipped Victor's glass away from him when he wasn't paying attention, because she knew he would overdo it if left to his own devices.
Despite being surrounded by his friends, Victor felt as if he were light years away, his conscience venturing closer and closer to the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. He saw the fabric of spacetime folding into itself as he approached it, the vacuum of space recoiling away from him as he travelled, going faster than light until he was forced to slow down, the energy from his body dropping close to absolute zero temperatures.
As he hung suspended in the blackness, he saw the familiar figure of Benji manifest before him, his form white and translucent. This time, Benji looked at him with indifference, climbing into the black hole and disappearing as quickly as he had come. Gritting his teeth, Victor followed.