It had been a few weeks since Benji had returned from London and had begun to reintegrate into Atlanta society. He spent a good amount of time with his siblings, older brother, Darius, who was two years older and just graduated, who would be attending medical school in the fall; and his younger sister, Kiera, who was a year younger and also now a sophomore at university, studying art as a classmate of Mia's at Georgia State. While Benji had gotten used to doing a lot of things himself, he was happy to have his siblings accompanying him on runs and to do shopping and such. They had talked a bit during the semester, but the time zones made communication strained.

At first, Alice had been shocked when she came home from work one day to see the house cleaned, the fridge fully stocked, and dinner prepared, wondering if someone had broken into the house to straighten it out. She'd gotten used to doing most of the labor around the house on top of her shifts at the hospital, and the only time it would get done without her would be if she asked Kiera. The fact that she didn't even have to ask in this case made her have to sit down and breathe.

"What happened in here?" Alice asked Benji as he walked through the kitchen carrying a basket of clean laundry to be folded.

"What do you mean?" Benji asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Did you… clean up and run errands? And cook dinner?"

"Yeah?"

"Why?"

"Well, it needed to be done, so I did it," Benji shrugged, carrying the basket of laundry down the hall to his room.

When he returned to the kitchen, where Alice sat with her head resting on her hand, Benji eyed her as she smiled at him. "Maybe I should send Darius and Kiera to London, too, if it'll teach them to take some initiative around the house."

"Mom, it's really no big deal."

"It is, though. Do you realize how much you've helped me? Here I was, expecting to have to come home and do everything myself. At first I didn't think much of it and thought I was just imagining things or forgetting that I did this but… You were always so considerate and good in the kitchen. Thank you," Alice replied, getting up and grabbing a plate.

"Thanks. I mean, I'm not gonna just sit around doing nothing the whole summer, so it's the least I can do."

"You really are the best, Benji. Just don't tell Darius or Kiera, or else."

A moment later, the sound of feet padding down the hallway preceded Kiera's appearance as she entered the kitchen in her pajamas, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and muttering a "g'morning" to Alice and Benji. Benji ruffled her short black hair with a grin.

"Haha, more like 'good evening'," Alice said as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"Ooo, there's breakfast!" Kiera said, making herself a plate, too.

Benji chuckled as he followed suit and joined his sister and mom for a meal at the table. He rolled his sleeves up just before his elbow, feeling a bit self conscious with each movement of his arm. The ink from the marker he had used to draw on his forearm earlier threw itself at his eyes and Benji scrambled to cover it, but it was too late.

"What's that on your arm?" Alice asked with a mouthful of pasta.

"Whoa, those look really cool," Kiera said, reaching across the table to hold Benji's arm. He smacked her away and rolled his sleeve down.

"Oh, I, uh… just doodled on myself because I was bored," Benji lied.

Narrowing her eyes, Alice trained her gaze on him. "You didn't get a tattoo, did you? You know how I feel about that sort of thing."

"Even if Benji did have a tattoo, it's none of your business," Kiera retorted, earning a glare from her mother, before she turned back to Benji. "It would be a sick ass tattoo, though."

"Fine. I'll tell you. But… don't tell Darius. Or Dad. And I'm gonna warn you that it's not pretty," Benji said, biting his lip as he rolled up his sleeve higher this time, exposing the top of his arm and his elbow, where a collection of little purple-brown circles sat nestled into his skin. He looked away, swallowing. "I was drawing on myself because it's the only way to stop self-harming."

"You… did this to yourself?" Alice asked, mouth an etched line, eyes wide and brimming with tears as she examined his arm, first raking over the little flowers and trees he'd drawn on his forearm, then at the dots where he'd burnt himself countless times. "Why?"

"I… was struggling and I got addicted to Xanax, and I relapsed on Halloween after Victor got into an accident. It wasn't his fault, though. I did this to myself, but... I didn't want you to worry about me, which I know was wrong," Benji said, raising his gaze slowly when he realized that both his mother and Kiera were staring at him as if they were about to cry. He figured he didn't need to mention that he had been suicidal. Again. "But I'm doing better now. I'm taking antidepressants and I'm not as stressed out anymore. I'm glad I was able to get help."

Alice rose from her seat and pulled Benji into a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around his shoulder and pressing his head against her chest as she kissed the top of his head. Kiera stood on the opposite side of Benji and wrapped her arms around them both. They stayed like that for a moment, all three of them with tears streaming down their faces.

"Please don't ever keep something like that from us again," Alice scolded him with a breathy laugh. "I had no idea you were having such a hard time because you didn't talk to me through all these months."

Benji sighed. "I didn't really have the energy to talk to a lot of people aside from my flatmates. I needed to work on being able to be by myself without freaking out. But I'll be better about communicating with you. I swear."

Brushing the hair from Benji's face, Alice shook her head. "I guess I can't put all the blame on you, I should have tried harder, too. But I know it can be hard to admit when you're unwell. You know, these sorts of things run in our family. I should have talked with you about mental illness a long time ago. But when I had postpartum depression, I didn't want anyone to know, either. It can be… shameful to admit you don't have it all together."

"Yeah…" Benji said, wiping his face in his sleeve. He was glad to have gotten this off his chest, feeling the cloud of worry he had hanging over him dissipate. It was good to have told the two family members he was closest with. "Thank you both for listening."

"Of course. I love you," Alice replied, kissing Benji on the cheek and holding his hand tightly.

"I love you, too, idiot," Kiera said with a small, sad smile.

They finished up their dinner in comfortable silence. The feeling of waiting that Benji normally experienced had faded completely.

Once they had eaten and cleaned up, Benji excused himself to his room. He thought back on the conversation he had with his mother and sister, and he realized how humbled he felt by the amount of love and acceptance he had experienced in that moment. Not only that, but he didn't find himself doubting their words; he believed them. His heart fluttered in his chest. He wanted to hear it more. It was as if the shame had sloughed off his back and returned to the earth to perish beneath his feet.

The validation he had earned from sharing his feelings gave him a rush. Not in the sense that he wanted the external validation, but rather, the fear that he wouldn't be able to be self-reliant and that he would be pulled back into the bubble of psychological dependence if he shared his struggles had been stripped away. He still felt complete, knowing he would remain whole no matter what. What he wanted, but what he didn't need, he realized, was to speak with Victor. The anxiety of being away from him had vanished. All Benji could feel was the quiet joy that radiated in his chest, the inner peace. He didn't preoccupy himself with what would happen if he had lost him; he focused on the present and the future, and the prospect of growing together with each others' support.

Victor wasn't his drug or his antidote or his damnation or his salvation; the answer had been before him all this time, yet Benji had failed to see it or accept it. With his eyes fully opened, Benji realized that Victor, like he, was a man, free, fallible, imperfect, mortal and flawed, but not beyond redemption. So simple a conclusion to come to, and yet, he hadn't fully internalized it until now.

"Victor,

Hope you've been well.

Thanks for giving me space these past few months. I'm in a much better headspace now, and I'd like to see you again. Are you free this evening? If not, we can do tomorrow morning.

Yours,"

Benji cringed as he wrote "Yours", wondering why he had thought that was so romantic for so long. After all, he didn't belong to anyone but himself. He deleted the word quickly, letting out a heavy sigh as he did so, and wrote instead:

"Te amo,

Benji"

He pocketed his phone as he stared up at the ceiling, watching the fan making its revolutions. Down the hall, a door clicked, and the familiar footfalls Benji had memorized echoed through the house, the noise deafening in his ears. He swallowed. Something in him shrieked at him to be the one to make the first move, and so he rested his fingers on the doorknob. Another voice, this one quieter, told him to stay out. He usually listened to the quiet one; but today he wasn't so sure.

From the kitchen, Benji heard the hearty, booming laugh of his father, the laugh he hadn't heard because of something he'd said in years. Mouth pressed into a line, Benji removed his hand from the doorknob and exhaled. He listened further to the conversation down the corridor; his name came up several times. His father's voice sounded strange… stilted… exhausted suddenly, as if remembering he had another son added to the emotional and psychological toll of being alive, a ton of bricks weighing him down.

In that moment, he knew the decision had been made for him. He fell back into his bed. So be it.

Victor and Adrian had returned home that evening, the sun still floating in the sky high enough to indicate a few more hours left of its light, ice cream cones in hand. He let his little brother inside the building before sitting down on the wall outside, staring off into space as he absently lapped at his ice cream, which was a combination of cookie dough and peanut butter with rainbow sprinkles, because how else was he meant to rep the fact that he was gay?

He pulled out his phone from his pocket to see if anything else of note was going on in the world. Eyes going wide, he saw the notification that he'd received an email from Benji; he hadn't felt the vibration while he had been walking.

Curious, Victor opened it, his heart fluttering like a moth approaching a lightbulb, its fluffy appendages outstretched. Grinning as he read, Victor exhaled.

As he pressed "reply" to compose a new message, Victor rolled his eyes at himself. He didn't have to keep doing this. Going into his contacts and selecting the one marked "? ﾟﾒﾖ?LOML? ﾟﾒﾖ?￢ﾀﾝ, he finally unblocked him. He also changed his contact name to "Mi Vida" because it was more fitting. It had been 8 months since they had spoken properly.

"Hey, I'm glad to hear you're in a better place now. Where would you like to meet? I'm free now."

A few moments passed before Victor saw the ellipses.

"Brasstown in 10?"

He wrote back:

"Ok. See you soon?￢ﾀﾝ

At this point, Victor threw caution to the wind. He wanted to make up for those eight months they had been apart; he didn't see the point in trying to hide or suppress his feelings. Grin plastered to his lips, Victor pocketed his phone and made his way to Brasstown, shoveling the rest of his ice cream down his throat as quickly as he could while he walked.

When Victor arrived at an almost empty Brasstown a few minutes earlier than anticipated, he contemplated what he should order for himself and for Benji. Coffee was off the table, since it was too late in the evening to drink it without it causing sleep troubles. Pursing his lips, Victor's eyes trailed down the menu. What if Benji had tried some fancy European hot drinks that he liked better now? For some reason, a simple drink order was making Victor's hands sweat profusely. He wiped them on his trousers.

Jumping as the door jingled open, Victor turned around.

The Earth stood still on its axis again, grasped firmly in God's impervious hands. Victor had been holding his breath without realizing, and in that moment, he exhaled a long breath, the air exiting his lungs for an eternity. Once his lungs had compressed, empty of any molecules, the clock started up once more. Gazing back at him, his eyes refusing to waver, was Benji. He knew he shouldn't, but instantly, Victor felt at ease, smiling unconsciously in Benji's direction.

"Hey," Benji said softly, running his hand through his hair. His lips parted as his eyes widened, at a loss for what more to say.

"Hi," Victor replied, face faltering a bit.

Benji felt the urge to look away burning in the back of his mind, but he kept his head up, their gazes connecting them wordlessly. The rest of the coffee shop seemed to slip away from view, leaving the two of them as the only beings in the room. Electricity coursed through their bodies, the cool shock making them more awake than if they had just been injected with pure adrenaline.

"Did you want something to drink?" Victor asked, breaking the silence between them.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Benji wanted to wipe the longing from his eyes. "Don't worry about me, I'll get something myself. Go ahead."

Raising an eyebrow but nodding nonetheless, Victor ordered himself a sweet tea and went to sit down at the table next to the window. He knew it was Benji's favorite spot.

Victor rested his head on his hand as he watched Benji from across the room, sweeping his form up and down and taking him in. He seemed… different. This was something Victor made as a neutral observation. But he knew he was different, too. They weren't the same people they were over a half a year ago. Although all the cells in their bodies had not died and replenished themselves entirely as they are wont to do every so often, Victor knew their very essences had evolved in their time apart.

When Benji approached with a chai latte in hand, he caught Victor's eyes on him. He still didn't know what he should allow his face to do, because he still felt like he was dreaming, the experience of seeing Victor again feeling like a hallucination, a long, extended montage that he could soon wake from, and it would all be gone. But this was real; Victor was real, solid and human, and if he wanted to, he could reach out and touch him.

Sitting across from Victor, Benji placed his hand on the table before him, biting his lip as Victor watched him, head tipping to the side. He let the side of his hand brush against Victor's, breath hitching in his throat as their skin connected. Victor was warm. He was alive. And he was right before him. He was sure he wouldn't leave him again.

"You look good," Victor said, breaking the silence and nodding in his direction. "Your hair looks nice."

"You, too," Benji breathed as Victor ran a hand through his longer locks, the natural waves more pronounced.

For a moment the silence fell between them again, neither of them entirely sure how to proceed.

"Benji…" Victor murmured. It was as if raising his voice any higher would break the illusion. "I'm sorry."

"I haven't forgiven you yet," Benji whispered back, taking a sip of his drink. "But I want to."

Shaking his head, Victor looked into Benji's eyes. "You don't have to, I said-"

"'That's a gift you give yourself, not to me,' I know. You have no idea how many times I read your message. If I had any shame left I would be embarrassed," Benji replied, leaning in closer, keeping his hand where it had been. "But… I've missed you, too."

Victor glanced at the table where their hands lingered against one another, like imprints in the sand before the sea washes them away, like wisps of air on a freezing day. He didn't want to disturb them. Any movement would shatter their peace.

"Do you want an explanation?" Victor asked, smiling despite himself, sipping his drink just to give him something to do with his other hand.

"I think you did a pretty good job explaining in your message," Benji replied, feeling his heart softening with each sweet whisper from Victor's lips. "And I appreciate you apologizing in person. But I'd like to explain myself. And an apology obviously isn't the end."

"True. But yeah, I'm happy to listen."

"To be honest, I was struggling a lot with my… feelings of self-worth even before I went to England, and being long-distance definitely exacerbated that, and strained us both, as you know. But I feel like I put a lot on you to be the perfect boyfriend, because you were so good to me, that I started to do a lot of things I used to do because I was afraid of being alone," Benji said, pausing before clearing his throat. He continued. "And I hated that about myself. I hated that I didn't know what to do with myself or who I am on my own."

Furrowing his brows, Victor frowned as he listened. Hearing the pain in Benji's voice felt like an ice dagger in his own heart. Even though he'd thought about this scenario, hearing it in Benji's own words made him feel sick.

"When I heard you were in the hospital in serious condition, I… lost my sense of though I didn't mean to, I saw you sorta as my compass, always guiding me to where I need to go. Always reassuring me. Taking care of me and making sure I was okay. Like obviously as partners we should be able to lean on each other but not to the point where being apart gives me such bad anxiety that I have to be on pills to even be somewhat functional," Benji said, taking another pause to take a sip of his latte. "And honestly, I'm pretty proud of myself that I'm able to tell you all this without like, crying or not making eye contact."

"I'm proud of you, too," Victor couldn't help but say, before he added, "even though, obviously, the only approval you need is from yourself. I get that."

Benji gave Victor a small smile, biting his lip as he slipped his hand into Victor's on the table. "I needed to come to terms with the fact that neither of us are perfect, and that's okay. Otherwise I would just keep falling into the same pattern of hating myself for literally no reason and acting like a dog whose only purpose is to please its owner. And I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I've also been terrible at taking compliments. Because I couldn't believe it when people had good things to say about me. It took me so long to even understand why you would want to date me in the first place."

Furrowing his brows, Victor kissed the back of Benji's hand. He knew he knew now that he couldn't make Benji happy, but no one could if he didn't do so himself. All he could do was love him.

"Sorry, I should have asked if that was okay… I mean, I got similar lessons out of therapy," Victor admitted, squeezing Benji's hand. "It's hard to have good and healthy relationships when you don't have models of that in your life. Like, if we do try this again, we really need to have a discussion on boundaries and expectations and such. I think that would be really useful."

Chewing on his lip, Benji pulled his hand out of Victor's grasp. "I… don't know if I want us to try again. If we did, it would really just have to be over the summer break because I can't handle long distance again. But… I don't know how sustainable that is. Or we would just have to take a break for a few years but I don't want to have to put you through that."

Victor took a sip of his tea, hand shaking. "To be fair, a lot of the issues we had were caused by Derek and then of course how I reacted to him. If it weren't for that… incident, we probably would have weathered things. But, I guess we could only ignore our separate issues for a limited time before shit hits the fan, and we would have encountered this problem farther down the road when it probably would have been harder to fix. Like, I'm happy I was basically forced to go to therapy."

"Yeah, I think you're right. And I'm glad we both got help," Benji replied, tipping his head to the side as he examined Victor's face. "I still need some time to think. But… thank you for coming out with me and listening to me. I wish I could give you a more direct answer but I still love you, Victor. I think I always will. And as much as it pissed me off and as much as I may have hated you for it, I'm glad you cut me off. I just wish you had given me the chance to tell my side of the story before you did it."

Wiping the tear from the corner of his eye, Victor let out a shaky sigh. "I told you I would wait for you, and I will. I've already decided that. And I know this probably sounds like my crazy lovestruck brain talking, but I'm absolutely serious. I've given this a lot of thought, and this is the least impulsive thing I've ever decided in my life. So just know, Benji, that I love you, too. I've never been more certain of anything. And I can live without being with anyone so long as I know that you're happy and alive."

"That's not healthy, Victor," Benji said, the lone vanguard trickling from his eye, too.

"I know. And I may change my mind after going to therapy more, but for now, that's how I feel. I want you to know how deeply I feel for you. Not to manipulate your feelings, but so you know. Because I want us to make up for lost time, if you'll allow it," Victor replied. "But what's most important is just that we both try to be better for our own sakes, right?"

For a long moment, they simply gazed into each other's eyes, saying nothing, allowing the tears to drip down their faces in silence. Benji sighed, his thoughts zigzagging as they sprinted through his synapses. He didn't want to give in, but he also had never experienced such an expression of devotion before. Benji knew he had the freedom to get up and walk away. He could do that without regard for Victor's feelings, to continue on his own path in life alone. But he didn't want to. He knew he didn't need Victor. But he wanted him in his life; that was for certain. Over the radio, a familiar song began to play. Finally, some good music...

Ego death is where you find happiness

Off too many drugs, they so bad for us

One too many drinks and you had enough

Gave you my all, that wouldn't make you stay

Murdered my ego when you walked away

(Your joy isn't tied to me)

I let my ego down and then I rise back up

I let my ego down and then I'll be stronger

"Just because we have a history also doesn't mean you're obligated. You're never obligated," Victor said, breaking Benji back to reality. "I'm not saying this just to say the right thing. Whatever you choose, I'll accept it."

Closing his eyes, Benji's lips curled into a smile. "I want you in my life, Victor. And I want to see you again. But I also want us to take things slow. We rushed into things the first time around."

"True," Victor replied with a small chuckle. "And I know it was my fault but not talking to you for so long made my life so… boring."

"Yeah, things are just… not as fun without you, either. Whenever I wanted to talk about something I always wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't and it sucked. Please don't block me again. Not even as a joke."

"Don't worry, I won't. I promise," Victor replied earnestly, his eyes sparkling in the dim light of the coffee shop. Benji believed every word.

They sat together drinking and chatting cordially until the shop closed and they got kicked out by the staff who were trying to clean up. But Victor and Benji didn't mind. The surreality of their meeting still hung in the air between them.

Scratching the area of his arm by his elbow, where the scars from where he'd burned himself lay hidden beneath his sleeve, shrouded from the world, Benji glanced from his arm to Victor. The other man was still going to need to regain his trust, Benji realized. They weren't at that level yet, and Benji wasn't ready yet. It was a conversation for another time, Benji knew. And it gave him an excuse to see Victor more frequently, too.

"When are you free again?" Benji asked, finding himself wanting to stand closer to Victor but keeping a few feets' distance from him.

"Let's have our talk about boundaries next Wednesday evening? I don't have work then," Victor replied. "Do you wanna meet here?"

"Okay, that sounds good," Benji said with a nod and a smile as he bit his lip. He wanted so badly for Victor to walk him home.

"Cool," Victor murmured. He eyed Benji, lips falling open slightly as he searched the other's face, eyes drifting down to Benji's lips, remembering how soft they would feel against his own.

Benji's eyes fluttered closed and he swallowed. He wanted so badly for Victor to tilt his head up and kiss him.

But he wasn't ready yet.

Instead, he made himself open his eyes and look at Victor, gaze firm with conviction. "I'm glad we got to talk. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"I would love that," Victor said. "Goodnight, Benji."

He couldn't deny himself everything, Benji realized. He stepped forward, his body moving on impulse, wrapping his arms around Victor's waist and burying his face in the taller man's chest. Victor stood there, shock and adoration written upon his face with golden ink. Gently, he let his arms rest gently on Benji's back. That was all.

They pulled apart after a bit too long. But when they did, Benji didn't feel like he was coming down from a high. They parted peacefully, and Benji felt all right. When he waved goodnight to Victor and turned in the opposite direction to leave, he looked back, and saw Victor looking back at him, too. It was going to be okay; he just knew.

Allowing his heart to open just a bit as the warmth of hope flowed into him, he exhaled into the night.