Chapter 4- PPE
"You want to do what," Sharon Goodwin balked? Will nervously adjusted in his chair. It was right before shift, Will making a point of leaving Hailey's place with enough time to park, go over his speech one final time before rapping on Sharon's door with the shakiest of hands. Looking around the office, it appeared Will's announcement to want to enter the war zone was the final thing Sharon needed on her plate. For one, her desk was stacked with papers, none in order or neat. They were about elbow high, Sharon actually having to push papers out of the way in order to create a tunnel for her and Will to speak through. It was product orders, HR files, CDC reports and both state and county health safety recommendations and mandates that should've been put in place yesterday. Looking past the desk and around the rest of the room painted a good pictured of what hospital directors were having to live like in the middle of the worst pandemic in a generation. A paper bomb had gone off in her office, boxes and papers and fast food remnants scatter abroad. Will now felt like a creep for just adding to the very thing that was drowning her.
"I…want…to be transferred to the Covid ICU floor." Sharon sat back in her chair, the squeaking of the back slipping out as she folder her arms. She just glared at him, scanning for cracks or a smirk, something to make him budge or backtrack what he just announced. But instead, Will leaned forward and went on.
"Look, I'm sure they're all strained and stressed up there. It's a lot going on and they need the help. Come on, Sharon. This is a battle and I'm a willing volunteer. Take me."
"And this would have nothing to do with your brother also being up there fighting Covid?" Will hung his head a little, hesitating before opening his mouth.
"Maybe?! But I really do want to help." Sharon sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing them. She was tired, that was blatantly obvious. The bags under her eyes, the yawning every other minute, the whole body sagging and trying it's best to move with some kind of haste and determination. She looked to be needing a year long vacation to the beach.
"Will, I have a hospital that's running out of masks, gloves, gowns, very essential things. I have a staff that's strained because they're either getting sick or having to stay home because they're high risk. I've put every available person that can work with Covid patients up there. Why should I pull away from the ED to put you up there?"
"So give someone a break. Put them back down in the ED and I'll take their place."
"And how do you think people will react when you're up there and they realize your brother is also in the ICU. That sets a precedent."
"I won't treat him. I'll be in the area but I won't treat him. Promise." Sharon groaned, mumbled something about wanting a drink and nap before looking back at Will.
"How is your brother this morning?"
"Not great. blood clots are still present and his fever spiked again last night. They don't think the antibiotics he's on are working. This Covid pneumonia is a real bitch." Sharon twitched her eyebrows, seeming to agree.
"It's all a bitch. And to boot I'm fighting with three other states over supplies. This is a price war and it's insane."
"I'm sorry," Will softly spoke.
"I hate to bring this all to you. I can see that you have a lot going on and I didn't want to make things worse, but I really want to help out up there." With great reluctance Sharon eventually nodded, admitting defeat through yet another yawn and waving motion for Will to leave her presence.
"Go, be up there and do not treat your brother in anyway."
"I would never." Will rose, extended a hand out of habit and Sharon oddly looked at him.
"Oh, sorry," he said embarrassed, choosing to wave before excusing himself to the door. He was doing his very best to avoid getting excited. Reunion with Jay was just that far away.
"And Will," Sharon held up.
"I hope Jay pulls through this."
"I hope they all do."
"Unfortunately, that won't be true." Will heard the emotion in here, she was really at her rope's end. She was going a million places at once, both in her managerial role and emotionally. She was fried to say the least.
"Hang in there," Will departed with, not bothering to wait for a response. He was at the elevator in no time, mashing the button for the third floor with delight. Delight was such an odd emotion to feel when was en route to an invisible war with something as deadly and unknown as this virus was. But it was Jay, he was just feet and floors away from him. It was hard to not get excited over that.
…
It really was like a whole other world up there. He'd heard the rumors, the horror stories that people told around the doctor's lounge or in passing when they thought things were bad where they were. There was the talk of people in hallways, rooms crammed to the limits with two people and all their machines. The constant buzz of expired IV stands and alarms going off threatened permanent tinnitus. As Will stepped off the elevator and just stood at the entrance of the ICU floor, he couldn't help but drop his jaw behind the mask.
People were quite literally running between rooms. He could make out at least two different places where a code blue was being called. Everyone was in full PPE: gowns, hair coverings, masks, gloves, some also with shields. It looked like something in a movie. To a patient who would wake up to this, Will couldn't imagine waking up to something that looked nothing like a human, but rather a ghost or mystery figure touching you, giving you medication, telling you all was fine. Knowing himself he'd probably try slapping them before screaming and tearing off. Will noticed a few doctors had their badges with their picture displayed in front, but that still wasn't going to put anyone at ease. Now he was starting to see why Jay was so scared, he couldn't imagine what all he was going to awaken to, retell what he could or couldn't hear or do. That one made Will shutter. In his final scan of the place he noted the room, his final destination and whole reason for being up there. Since the rooms were encased in glass he could make out that Jay had a roommate, the lights shut off in order to allow the two of them to rest. From a distance he couldn't make out which bed Jay was in, but the fact people weren't in there it seemed that all was well, considering where they were and what they were fighting. Will's heart might've felt to have skipped a beat, his face lighting up and feet seeming to be guiding, forcing him to where he wanted to be. Will felt so wrong to be doing what he was doing, but since the floor was chaos at that point and no one was in that room, Will didn't see where the problem was.
On the way he glanced at the epicenter of the floor: the nurse's station. In the middle of the area was a giant whiteboard, housing the day's date, numbers of patients on the floor, a range of how severe each one was and the most grimacing stat of all: the death toll. Seeing the number 20 written bold and in red made Will's heart sink a little. He wasn't sure the time frame of that number, but for the ICU to lose that many was a tough pill to swallow. Still, no one had noticed him, not even when he took a pause to glance at the monitoring screens housing blood oxygen, heart rates and others information in search of Jay's. It took him moments to find Jay's room number, sobering him a little when the blood oxygen level was now mid 80s and the heart rate not exactly where it needed to be. It appeared Covid was suffocating all the air out of his brother's lungs and pulling the rest of the body with it. The less than stellar heart activity was the result of low oxygen. Will was certain that if Jay wasn't on blood pressure meds that he would be soon, probably before the day was out. The final stat Will noticed was the brain waves activity, that one a bit of a surprise to him. There really hadn't been mention of that being tracked, but given all the seizures Will understood why. With still no one to stop him from achieving his goal, Will turned on his heels and moved in the direction of Jay's room. He made it there in seconds, hand on the sliding door handle and watched for but a moment. Jay was the one closest to the window. At this angle and distance Will could only make out it was Jay because of the hair. Machines, tubing, all kinds of hospital things were preventing Will from a full picture. He took a breath, breathed out, and slid the door open.
Will maneuvered around the roommate's hospital bed, perhaps apologizing to a comatose person for accidentally bumping the end of the bed. There was so little room for anyone to move Will was curious how people got to either of them. But once Will was free he rounded the bed to Jay's right side, pausing to absorb his brother for the first time. From head to toe there was very little that wasn't being monitored. He indeed he have electrodes taped to his forehead, dotting his hairline and going from ear to ear. Then there was the NG tube, providing him some kind of energy to help him fight everything. Of course the breathing tube was the biggest thing of all to stand out, that and the central line in his neck. Let's not forget the numerous IVs, drains from his chest, catheter and other wires that were tracking every part of Jay Halstead, it was overwhelming to say the least. Yet somehow, the slightly turned head, mechanical breathing, and freckled skin that poked out here and there was enough to make Will's eyes water. Jay looked every bit as bad as people reported: a depleted, motionless, exhausted person that was alone and probably scared deep down. He was already thinner appearing, sweaty from the fevers, body just reeking of a lack of oxygen, twitching against the small shocks the machines were sending out, but despite all of this Will just saw his little brother. He wasn't himself, but Will wanted nothing more than to set up a chair and just sit there with him for the rest of time. He hated that Jay had been alone as long as he had, but in that moment Will vowed to do his best to let Jay know he was the farthest thing from alone in this fight.
"Hey Jay," Will calmly called out, taking the right hand in his and just gently squeezing. He chose to ignore how cluttered and close to impossible it was to hold Jay's hand, given how much monitoring stuff was on it.
"I'm right here bud, you keep fighting. We're all so proud of you." Will resisted the urge to kiss his brother's hand or forehead, reminding himself that a very live virus was just that far away from him. Instead he chose to just sit and relish the quiet little moment, closed his eyes as the sounds of machines living for Jay purred on. Will could almost make out the little lip puffs that Jay normally did in his sleep, but he knew the reality was was that it was the ventilator exhaling before it began all over again. He had to see Jay out of here, preferably alive. This couldn't be Jay Halstead's final room on earth. Will was fully aware he had no say in that, but he vowed to do everything he could to ensure Jay breathed fresh air on his own again. Then Hailey popped into his head. Will grabbed his phone, opening the camera and snapping a quick pic of holding Jay's hand. He didn't want to give her the full view just yet. That could be saved for a FaceTime session or video moment when the timing was right.
"He's holding right now. Just wanted to share," Will captioned the photo with, smirking as the message and pic were sent.
"Hailey's doing great. She's at home tracking symptoms but right now hasn't come down with it. I'm taking care of her like you asked." Will watched and waited, the ever hopeful side of him wishing for some kind of confirmation that Jay heard him. But nothing ever came. The lifeless head and body just laid there, allowing everything to work its' magic on him.
…
"What are you doing in here," jolted Will out of his trance.
"Shit," Will reacted under his breath, immediately releasing Jay's hand to the bed. The way the hand thunked against the bed with zero reaction went to show just how out Jay really was. Will looked in the direction of the voice that ripped him back to reality, finding a short, stout, stern woman in full PPE glaring right at him through her face shield.
"Who are you," she barked once more, Will about to remind her that people were sleeping in there. But it wasn't his place to say that plus, he was convinced this woman would throw something at him if he dared to correct her.
"I'm, I'm Will Halstead." He could make out a quick eyebrow raise. She shuffled her weight to another leg, resting a hand on her hip as she spoke.
"Halstead. Relation to the guy in the bed?"
"Yeah, he's my brother."
"Ah, well. I'm sorry he's up here."
"Thanks."
"But that doesn't explain why you're up here." Man, she was quick. Nothing was going to get by her. Will wasn't sure how he'd never come across her, nor how he'd never heard any stories about her. Whoever she was, she was one to never cross.
"I got transferred up here. Sharon Goodwin gave me permission to work up here."
"Now you know you can't treat your brother, right?"
"I do. I'm just up here to help."
"Yeah, sure," she exaggerated, rolling her eyes as she loudly exhaled and ushered for him to leave.
"Come on, let's get you set up with everything and get you some patients to treat. We're maxed out and things are moving quick." Will mentally told Jay to hang in there, that he'd come back before he left for the day before slinking back through the obstacle maze of beds, machines, the room and reached the entrance. The woman lightly slapped Will's arm as she walked ahead of him, rambling off everything.
"On this floor you are required to wear full PPE the entire time. We are running short on supplies so you can change your mask every two patients and gloves we are disinfecting with spray or wash and then changing those every two patients. Gowns are the same way: disinfect every other patient and change it every two people. Patients get checked in person every hour but every time you are at the station you are required to register vitals in your patient's chart. Family members are contacted at 9am, noon, six, and before you leave for the night. But, you already know that since you're already receiving those calls. When a code is called, we will call out which doctors and nurses go in. For sanitary purposes we cannot have everyone going in each time because it uses up resources. When you are called you are to drop everything, even a phone call to a patient's family member. Any questions?"
"How many patients do I get in a day?" "Four. I know, that's a lot for the ICU. But we are in a pandemic and it demands it. When we lose a patient we are responsible for cleaning everything up, disinfecting, and prepping the room for the next patient. Our changeover time needs to be two hours at the max. The morgue needs to be called and they will send someone up. Anymore questions?" Will just shook his head, mind now a myriad of emotions, information, and absolute shock and fear. He was only just beginning to understand why this floor was called the battlefront and why no one was jumping in to help out. This was going to not only be a test of his patience, but mental health, stamina, and multitasking skills.
"How many people have made it out of here?"
"One. Everyone else has passed or is still testing positive." That one sent Will's heart to the floor. The odds were not in Jay's favor, or anyone else's for that matter. Just as Will was about to receive his patients for the day, the haunting 'code blue' alarm rang out from a room across the way from Jay's. The woman yelled out three names, soon the fully protected people darted out of nowhere and straight into the coding room. Will watched in stunned silence as they fought, calling for medications and a crash cart as one of them was performing chest compressions. Everything was so quick, the chaos and adrenaline flowing through those people as they did their best to save the soul in that bed. But not long after it all ceased, everyone stepping away as they announced the time, shutting off the loud, single whine of the heart monitor. Another life claimed by Covid. One by one they filed out of the room, heads hung as they began the turnover process. The heart monitor for that individual was shut off on the screens at the nurse's station. One of the doctors reached for a phone, quietly asking for names as he dialed the phone, clearing his throat as he escaped to somewhere quiet to deliver the terrible news. Will was dumbstruck. He'd experienced a patient dying, had it happen to him enough times to where he didn't cry anymore. But this was so different. It happened so fast, with very little warning. In the snap of a finger there was a person, a brother, sister, husband, wife, a person a lot of people really cared about, diminished to a number, a fallen name nestled amongst the thousands of others that the silent killer claimed for their own.
"Go, treat people," Will was told as the death tally on the whiteboard was erased for the new number. Will couldn't speak, just turned around, glancing at Jay's room one more time before digging into his day. Jay had to be that second person. Someone had to defy the odds.
…
"Well this makes things easier," Will was greeted with at the nurse's station. He was downing a granola bar, just about inhaling it as the doctor approached him. All morning things were nonstop chaos. With Will's heavier than usual patient load, there wasn't ever a moment to stop, let alone eat or just take things in. Perhaps the overloaded work was the evil yet intended, making it next to impossible for those working to stop and consider the big picture, what was really going on here. The death earlier in the day was still on Will's mind, but he'd found a way to accept it, move on and try and help save the next person. Call it time or work, but somehow his large amount of emotion had diminished by the day's midpoint. He still felt to be drowning in a storm, but slowly but surely he was finding his way.
"What's going on with Jay," Will asked as he swallowed the remainder of his food with a dose of water.
"Well, his fever is back. Over the morning it crept back up to 103."
"Great, not what his brain needs."
"Yeah," the doctor nodded.
"He's also showing some signs of discomfort in terms of pain. This morning when we were doing his physical exam his blood pressure spiked and the brain waves were the most active in a couple days." Will sighed, hoping his visit didn't cause any of these issues.
"What about blood pressure? When I came in this morning I noticed the heart activity wasn't normal."
"Yes, we did start him on some blood pressure medication. He's responding well. And, unfortunately, he's now resting at a 78% blood oxygen." Will's head hung, shaking it in disbelief.
"So he's slowly suffocating. The lungs are giving out." The doctor patted Will's back, eventually nodding in agreement.
"Between the Covid and the pneumonia his lungs have taken a big hit. He's looking at being on the ventilator for a long time. I want to ask if you are willing to start thinking about a trach."
"No," Will shot back.
"No, I can't do that to him. He's fine with the breathing tube."
"Will, it would make him far more comfortable and it's more ideal for long term use of the vent."
"He's not been on it for a week yet, this is way too early to be talking about this." The doctor sighed, looking in the direction of Jay's monitor on the wall as he spoke.
"Just think about it. The antibiotics aren't working, the infection is still spreading and he's also battling Covid, let's not forget that. I'm not saying we're giving up on him, but we need to start thinking long term. He's made it this far and that in and of itself is a miracle. I just don't want you thinking he's going to walk out of here in a week. That's definitely not happening."
"I have patients to get back to," Will mumbled, tossing his old PPE before grabbing fresh items out of the dwindling stacks and heading back for another round of checking on things. He could feel the stare of the doctor on his back, but he didn't care. He wasn't an idiot but he was not ready to admit that Jay was going to be stuck in this place for quite sometime, if not forever. This was Jay they were talking about, no way was he going to give up that easily. This guy didn't know his brother and certainly wasn't aware that the guy didn't take no for an answer. As Will slipped into his first room of rounds he was looking and talking about his patient and calling off things he needed or had to be done, but his mind was lodged in the room across the way. Mentally he was telling Jay to snap out of it, that things were serious now and he had to round the turn. He didn't care when or how, but he preferred that it be relatively soon. When he was between rooms he watched as a nurse walked into Jay's room with the things needed to suction out the lungs, Will actually groaning over the knowledge Jay was enduring that alone. He'd heard and read that it was the farthest thing from comfortable and he was sick knowing this had happened many times at this point. Will went in and came out of the next room and Jay was still getting the awful task performed on him. It was taking too long, Will concluded. Something had been found, gone wrong, or Jay was giving them a hard time. Honestly, any of those options were a possibility.
At the 3pm check-in Will was between calls to family members when the latest report came back. The calls to the families was the worst part of his job. He felt the anticipation and despair when news was bad, a couple of time was on the verge of tears having to listen to the grief over not being able to be with their loved ones. He wanted so badly to tell every person that he was quite literally in the same boat, also having to watch from a distance as his person suffered by themselves. But it wasn't his place, he had to remain professional above all else.
"So, how bad is it this time," Will greeted with as he hung the phone up. Jay's doctor cocked his head before speaking, keeping things direct and to the point.
"He threw another clot and this time it was in his lungs."
"What? When?"
"About an hour ago." Will was stunned. How did he miss all of that? Alarms had to have gone off, people racing in and out of the room. Was he that busy that he missed his brother having yet another setback? Will's mind was fast forwarding through the afternoon as the report continued.
"Luckily it was a small clot. He did show signs of it on the monitors but after we upped the blood thinners and constant ultrasounds it appears it had broken up. But it did reach his left lung before doing so."
"So, so now what. We just keep monitoring?"
"It's all we can do at this point. But his fever has gone back down and he's doing well on the pain meds. If he holds through the night I want to scope him. We need to start getting a picture of what's going on in his lungs."
"Okay, that's fine. When you say hold, meaning if he doesn't throw another clot?"
"Yes, and if the fever doesn't spike again and if his blood pressure doesn't dip down again. He's very weak and the scope is going to be a lot of strain on him. He can't be in a bad spot for that." The reality of Covid shone bright in Will's mind the remainder of the day. His brother, the one who at one point went off to fight a war, came home and suffered through so much only to come out the other side a true badass and incredibly able person was now so weak he could barely stand people to touch him or put a tube through his breathing tube and into his lungs. Will was silent, numb the rest of his shift. He went through the motions of treating, calling, fulfilling his doctorly duties, but those brief in between moments were spent staring at the monitors in untethered fear. It hadn't been stated yet nor was it true at this point, but somewhere deep in Will's mind was this voice alerting him of what was to come: Jay was dying. Maybe not in the next five minutes or through the night, but at some point these words would be uttered. Reality was truly setting in now. That any silly ideas or dreams of Jay waking up and asking what all had happened to him were setting as quickly as the sun was outside.
When night shift arrived Will filled his replacement in on all that was going on before removing his PPE, donning his personal mask, and heading straight for Jay's room one last time. He couldn't leave without tucking Jay in for the night. The sounds of the room weren't as daunting as they were before, Will now fully accustomed to it all. Jay was bad off, needed all of this, so the fact he was still on it all said that he was alive and fighting. So Will didn't mind all the sounds and machines and maneuvering he had to do in order to get to his brother.
"You didn't think I'd leave without seeing you," Will teased, choosing Jay's left side of the bed this time.
"So, you aren't having the best of days," Will whispered as he took a squatting stanch next to the bed. His feet were beyond tired from the day that there was no way he was standing there for another five minutes. He contemplated sitting on the bed but there was too much on it to allow for that.
"Sorry about the clot, I'm sure that wasn't pleasant." Will stared at the lifeless face, eyelids glued shut as the vent and everything else pumped life into Jay's body. Will was now scared how normal this all felt.
"Tomorrow we're going to start figuring out what's really going on so we can help you feel better. But dude, you've got to promise me one thing." Will paused, mentally hear Jay's complaint about getting treated before he whined that everything was fine.
"You must rest tonight, just let everything work and allow everyone to do their jobs. In order for you to get out of here you have to cooperate." Will sat in silence for a few moments after that, listening, feeling, experiencing Jay's life. In his mind he could hear the full conversations they'd have over how bad off Jay was versus what he thought was truly going on. Jay would never admit that his lungs were slowly dying, taking the rest of his organs and him with him. Oh he'd fight over having oxygen support and would never he okay with the IVs and deeper lines in him and would most certainly disagree to the scope procedure the following day. God, Will missed Jay's voice so much. It was so distinctively his. It wasn't too deep or whiny but so clear, calm, certain in his ways. He missed him, he missed every part of the past life and wanted nothing more than to hop in a time machine and go back to those days. Will was about to speak his farewell for the night when his phone buzzed in his pocket.
"Give me a second," Will joked to Jay as he pulled the device out, caller ID showing Hailey's name.
"Hey," he whispered, squeezing Jay's hand as she spoke.
"I'm outside," she spoke.
"Why are you whispering?"
"Just hanging out with Jay."
"I'm so jealous," made Will chuckle. He released Jay's hand, got up from his crouch and rounded the bed to the window. Sure enough, he made out the headlights on the top of the parking deck.
"Can you see me?" Will waved the phone till the headlights flickered.
"I can! How's he doing?"
"He's…" Will trailed off as he went back to looking over Jay.
"Had better days." He could hear the dejection from Hailey, both of them feeling the emotions for Jay. They wanted him back with them so, so badly. But both knew the very real danger he was living in right then.
"Well, let's talk about it on the way home."
"Hailey, I can just take the train. You don't have to do it."
"Don't be stupid, Will. I'm already here. Just come on." Promising to be there in a moment, Will reached over to grab Jay's hand one last time for the day, telling him to hang in there and sleep well. He was out of the room in a minute before bidding farewell to the rest of the floor. He was silent on the elevator, the events of the day finally beginning their sinking sensation on his shoulders. This task wasn't for the faint of heart, nor was it what all envisioned when they graduated from med school. He didn't go into this to watch people slowly die from something they couldn't see or run away from, with very little they could do to help. He made it as far as getting into the passenger seat before letting it all out.
"Hey, hey now," Hailey comforted as Will doubled over in emotions. Doing her best to reach over, she embraced Will in a hug as his body rocked with tears and emotions.
"We're so screwed, all of us," he blubbery spoke between breaths. The two of them sat there for quite some time, haunted and heartbroken by Will's foreshadowing of what was to come.
…
Will awoke to the smell of coffee, an odd experience for him seeing as he's never had that before. Oh sure, there would be the occasional girlfriend that stayed overnight and the two of them would enjoy breakfast in bed, but he was always the one that had to get up, prep everything and bring it back to them while they remained curled up under the warm blankets. Now that he thought of it, he's never had anyone in his adult life make him coffee. It comes with the territory of being both the oldest and a man. He was the caretaker, the guy that had to do it all for those relying on him. This was a very nice change of pace. Dare he say, exactly what he needed after a very long and trying day of work. Will pulled the sheets away and grabbed a white t-shirt before putting it on. As he opened the bedroom door he noted the sweet stench of pancakes, his stomach growling at the realization that food was near. Since he hadn't eaten anything since his quick bite of bars at the nurse's station the day prior, Will was ready to chow down.
"Well this is very nice," Will greeted Hailey, who spun around just as a pancake was midair.
"Oh, hey. Good morning! I hope you like pancakes. You don't have a gluten allergy do you?"
"No," Will chuckled.
"Just a very hungry stomach," he spoke while reaching for the steaming hot coffee pot.
"Well, I hope you'll still have an appetite after you eat this. I've been watching so many cooking shows that I felt inspired." Will observed the breakfast scene, now beginning to understand her mild warning. No two pancakes were the same height, width, size or color. There was batter all over the cooktop and the pancake mix dusting just about all the counters. She'd made microwave bacon and the syrup bottle was sticky and teetering on the edge of the table, like she tossed it over there between flipping stuff. This breakfast moment wasn't winning any Top Chef awards, maybe not even Masterchef Junior, but Will loved seeing the dedication and true determination to make it all work. It reminded him of one of the last times he saw his mother. It was a moment before heading back to school. Despite her shaking, tired hands and drained everything from the cancer, she still insisted on making her son a final meal before he headed back to the big city. He recalled that she mistook the salt for sugar, making his meal the saltiest thing in his life, but he smiled through it, habitually telling her that all was fine. Will now prayed he wouldn't have a repeat of that today.
"Okay, don't judge me based on my cooking skills," Hailey blushed when the time came to land her plate of pancakes on the table. They were a leaning tower of mismatched stacks, but still it made Will smile.
"Oh stop, you realize the last time someone made me breakfast?"
"No," she responded while grabbing for a coffee cup and creamer.
"I believe I was 12, maybe 13."
"Oh yikes, so I'm being compared to mom. I'm going to go hide in a corner now." Will chuckled, pouring syrup on his buttered pancakes. He took a bite, was delighted that they weren't salty, and kept going. Perhaps they were a little burnt, but he could feel the love and commitment and he truly appreciated it.
"They're good! Seriously."
"Oh stop, they really aren't," Hailey joked back, diving into her creation now. Will waited till she swallowed before speaking.
"See?! Not so bad."
"I've officially shocked myself." For the next couple minutes the two were consumed with eating, sipping and fueling up for the day to do much talking. Will downed four large pancakes while Hailey to her time with two. They both finished off the coffee pot and all the bacon before pushing away from the table, both of them now feeling the elephant in the room.
"So how are you, still no symptoms?"
"Nope, I feel great! We actually caught a real case now but since I'm still stuck here I can only do paperwork, warrants, computer work really. It kind of sucks. They're now down two people when they shouldn't be down any. But hey…" Hailey trailed off, looking at the messy kitchen to distract herself from the heartache of missing Jay; of being in the situation they found themselves in. There was nothing they could do to avoid it, but still the sting was very real.
"What's going on with Jay? Everyone at work is wondering. I've been keeping them updated and they're all very concerned. I take it from last night that things aren't going well?" Will reluctantly nodded, sitting up a bit in his chair as he spoke.
"To summarize, his lungs are very slowly shutting down and it's dragging everything else with them. His blood pressure is all over the place as a result of the low oxygen, the fever is back because the infection is not responding to the antibiotics, and yesterday afternoon he had a clot in his lungs. They were able to see it break up, but still that's a lot of trauma to already damaged lungs. The doctor told me it's looking likely that Jay will be on the vent for quite awhile. He wants me to start thinking about a trach."
"What's that, the thing where they go in through his neck?" Will nodded.
"I can't do that to him. I can't put a hole in his neck like that. Even when they remove it, it's not a pretty scar and it just messes with things."
"Yeah, I don't want that either," Hailey chimed in.
"But why are they saying that? Could it improve his breathing and oxygen?"
"No, the breathing tube is doing fine with that. This is more for comfort and long term use. He could be awake with the trach and sort of function."
"But he would hate that more than anything: being awake and having some device breathing for him. And he couldn't really talk, right?" Will nodded.
"So yeah, I vote that we avoid that at all costs."
"I agree." Silence filled the space once more, both of them feeling the grim news of the report. Nothing was going Jay's way, all marks and victories were in the virus' court. At some point, this had to turn around, give Jay a fighting chance sooner or later. But at this point that turn looked to be in the direction of worse and worse. Oh how they wished some part of him was awake for all of this, able to see how bad he was and how much harder the fight was now becoming. Will's phone buzzed on the table, pulling them out of their sad trance.
"His deep scope is scheduled for 5," Will called as he responded.
"What's that?"
"They're going to put a camera down his throat to start assessing the damage to the lungs. We need to start getting a picture of what we're dealing with in order to figure out long term care."
"Okay," Hailey quietly spoke, speaking into her coffee cup as Will replied.
"I'm going to go in early for work. I want to be there for this."
"Are you sure? Will, you don't need to run yourself tired."
"I'll be fine. I had a solid night's sleep and I'll take a quick nap before I leave." Will got up to start his kitchen cleaning duty, grabbing the plates and other items on the table and transferring them to the sink. He was in the process of cleaning off the countertops when Hailey raised the question.
"Is he dying?" Will paused in his mind, thankful that he was facing away from her at this moment. He was a terrible liar and had the worst poker face. Going up against someone who interrogated people for a living, he didn't stand a chance of fooling her.
"It's never come up," he spoke.
"But is that what people are thinking? Are you thinking that?" Will shook his head, tried his best to apply his best liar, brave face.
"He's not doing well but he's not to that point. I would tell you if he was." In all honesty, he kind of was telling the truth. No one had mentioned anything about Jay dying, nor was it ever spoken of or hinted at that he would get worse to the point of starting end of life conversations. Up to this point it was all in Will's mind, his horrible ability to play things forward. He looked back at Hailey who was ghost faced, coffee cup just barely being held in her hands.
"I'm serious. I'll let you know when we're there. But it's not right now."
"I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like month." Will nodded, allowed the silence to soothe her as he cleaned everything up. Only when he was finished did he head off to the guest bedroom to get himself ready for another workday. Once shower and alarm was set did he fall back down on the bed and begin dozing off for his midday nap. As he drifted off to sleep he could almost hear the conversation that would take place with Hailey at some point down the line.
"Ready to see him?"
"I thought they didn't allow visitors right now."
"They do for certain circumstances."
…
Curses to him for sleeping through his alarm. Will was in a full on sprint between the L stop and the hospital, only pausing to scan his ID card before climbing the stairs two at a time. He was late, they were probably already underway with the scope and he had yet to reach the ICU floor, let alone dawn all the things he needed. The panting was real and the little beads of sweat were forming as he reached the third floor of the hospital, flinging the door open wide and diving into the hallway that took him to the entrance of the Covid ICU. He did his best to catch his breath as he threw on the mask and gown before wiping hands on his legs and doing his best to put the gloves on. He waved to the those watching him enter for work, not stopping to explain why he was there early nor why he was making a stop in Jay's room. Sliding open Jay's door showed the procedure to be just in the early stages. The lights were on in the room. Jay's bed was perfectly flat and moved a little so that the doctor could work behind his head, guiding the scope through the trachea and into the bronchi branches and eventually into the lungs. Jay was still rather motionless, looking just as ill and deathly as he had been the day prior. While all those around him felt to be aging by the minute, Jay was a frozen in time man, just taking a very lengthy nap with every contraption and machine on earth trying to keep him from the eternal rest.
"What did I miss," Will panted.
"Nothing yet. We're just getting started." Will sighed a moment of relief. Thank goodness things were delayed, but Will didn't want to ask why that was the case. Knowing the situation of everything it was the result of someone's else terrible fate. Will took Jay's left hand as the long, black tube housing the scope's camera was dropped into the mouth and down the throat. Will tensed a little, just thinking of how sore and crammed Jay's poor throat must've been feeling just then. It was currently the home of a breathing tube and NG tube scraping the back, another tube being forced down was the very last thing it needed. Will was once again amazed at how much could fit down there, and then Jay let his audience know he wasn't very thrilled with whatever they were doing.
"He's not happy with us," the doctor remarked as the heart monitor ticked up a little, the brain waves also showing an activity spike.
"Hang in there, Jay. Let them do this real quick," Will cooed to his brother, not caring who heard or saw. His brother was in distress and no way was he going to sit silently for that. The doctor ignored Will's remarks, advancing the tube further in while keeping his eyes fixated on the screen in his other hand. Eventually Jay calmed some, still not too thrilled with the disturbance but didn't hold things up either.
"Man," the doctor spoke under his breath, slowly shaking his head as things kept advancing.
"What?"
"You're sure he has no pre-existing conditions? Nothing lung related at all?"
"He had asthma when he was young but he's long outgrown that. Like his last attack was when he was 7 or 8. Why?"
"He's got several 'holes' in the primary, secondary, pretty much all bronchi branches on the left side. Holes meaning parts of dead tissue. This looks like the scans of someone with COPD or cystic fibrosis, not someone who's had Covid for five days." Will at this point was trying his best to remain calm and understanding. All he wanted to do was scream. The doctor guided the scope further into the lungs, eyes widening as he took in the first images.
"And it looks like he's got some fibrosis in the lung. Yeah, it's definitely there." Will tore himself away from looking at Jay to the screen, emotions bubbling up inside at the evidence of Jay's life. Five days ago he wouldn't have thought twice about breathing and blood oxygen stats. Five days was all it took for a virus to invoke irreversible damage on his brother's life. The weight of reality was truly setting in.
"So can it be fixed," Will stupidly asked? He knew the answer but wanted to be surprised.
"Maybe, it's happened before but it's rare. But before anything else this infection has to be handled. Let's start him on antibiotic lung lavage tomorrow."
"Can he handle that?"
"We're going to find out." The scope was pulled out of left lung and began the journey down the right, finding the same results that he did on the left, concluding that Jay was on a very dangerous path with the virus. The rate at which he was declining had everyone on edge, choosing to not speak what they all knew would become of him. His flying down the path of miracle conversations, supportive care or very drastic measures. No one was talking about him waking up or even walking out of the hospital once he tested negative anymore. At this point it was all about keeping him alive till his thirty-six birthday.
"I'm sorry, Will," the doctor spoke once everything was pulled out and Jay resumed his vegetative, comatose state. He looked so peaceful, that was the kicker to all of this. Despite what was going on in, around, and through him, his actual face and person was very peaceful, just drifting in wonderful rest. Perhaps the only saving grace in everything was that his mind was elsewhere, keeping him entertained and distracted from the harsh reality the rest of him faced, or so Will believed.
"I know. Does this make him the sickest patient on this floor?"
"Probably. Perhaps the sickest one that's still alive." That one was a hot knife to the chest, but Will had to agree. No one else had stats like Jay's and no one was this early in the virus' life and struggling as bad as Jay was. If Jay was in this to win some kind of award, mission accomplished.
"So, how long do you think he has?"
"Will, we're not there yet. There are a lot of treatment options out there that we haven't tried. This is a bad point, but it can still be reversed."
"Dude, level with me here. We're both doctors and we've both dealt with patients that have results like his. What is he looking at?" The doctor sighed, handing things off and working his way around the bed before he spoke.
"If nothing works and the infection keeps getting worse, months. He would probably never wake up again. But again, Will. We aren't there yet."
"Yet," Will shot back.
"Yes. I've got to go. I'll give you guys a few minutes." Will nodded, waited till the room was quiet before sitting on the edge of Jay's bed. Part of Will couldn't believe this is where they found themselves, but the other half was terrified of what was to come. In all likelihood this was the final Jay Halstead anyone would ever know. Sure, they'd have the memories and stories of times past, but these days would be the ones that haunted, would keep he and Hailey up at night. Thoughts of how he didn't get a final say, how none of them got those last hugs or love confessions or orders from Jay on how he wanted to go out. It was a horrible ending to a terrific life tale. Jay Halstead, the war vet turned Chicago police detective was going to get the life suffocated out of him by an invisible force he never saw coming or had time to shield himself from. It was a terrible ending yet somewhat poetic. Will allowed a couple tears to trickle down his face before he reached for his phone. The very last thing he wanted to do was tell Hailey what was found on the scope, but a promise was a promise. She asked to see him and Will said he'd FaceTime after the scan. So, wiping the tears away with a shake of the head, a masked Will waved to an anxious Hailey on the other side.
"Well? How did it go?"
"Not well." The already nervous Hailey dropped at those two words. Literally her head hung and hand that was fumbling with her lip dropped to her side in unison.
"God Will. What did they find?"
"His bronchi stems have what they're calling holes, or dead tissue from the virus and infection. His lungs also have fibrosis, or damaged and scarred tissue also from the virus and infection. They're going to start antibiotic lung washes tomorrow. Before we do anything else the virus has to be taken care of." Hailey nodded, biting her lip as the first of many tears streamed down her face. Unlike the other time when he decided to break things, this time she chose to sit still, sniff away the tears while looking anywhere but at the phone.
"So what does all of this mean? That he's dying?"
"Honestly…I don't know. The doctor swears we're not to that point yet, but he's bad off. He's officially the sickest person on the floor that's still breathing."
"Dammit," Hailey spoke under her breath, adjusting on her spot on the couch before a fresh batch of tears rolled out of her.
"Can I see him," she whispered through the tears, Will silently nodding before flipping the view of the call of Jay. The suddenness to everything took Hailey aback for a moment, but soon she was sobbing, deep sniffing as she took everything in.
"Will, he looks so bad," she cried out.
"I know."
"But he also looks so normal, like he's just sleeping."
"I know." Will looked around the room and towards the door, making sure no one was watching them. But even if they were Will couldn't have cared less. This was a low moment in the journey and nothing else mattered right then.
"I love you, Jay. Please get better. Let everything work and keep fighting even though it's tough. hang in there, Jay," Hailey called out. Will kept watching the monitors over the bed, hoping something would show that Jay was there, listening and doing his best to respond to the outside world. Nothing budged, there was no uptick or hint of life coming out of the person in the bed. Jay was very much gone, in more ways than one.
"Okay, I've got to go," Will managed to get out before everything changed. The room was quiet and then it wasn't. Alarms were going off, lights were blinking, people started racing in.
"Will?! Will what's that." Will looked back up at Jay's monitors and saw nothing, truly puzzled at what was going on. And then the roommate came to his mind.
"I've got to go. It's not Jay," Will signed off with, ending the call as the medical calvary arrived. Will stood by Jay's bed as two doctors and nurses came flying in with a crash cart. They started with chest compressions, calling out for drugs and the crash cart as they fought to save someone with a flat line heart rate. They went at it two, three, four rounds before giving in to the disheartening truth that the virus had claimed another life. Will fell to his knees, clinging to Jay's hand and sobbing into the sheets as the machines were unplugged and the sheet was pulled over the roommate. Will felt like a total creep to have not even know who the person was or what the state of their condition was. Will prayed Jay was truly, deeply out to hear any of it, because he didn't want Jay to get any ideas that it was okay to just slip away unexpectedly. Try as hard as he did to avoid it, death had come to visit ICU room 343. Will was really fighting the terrible thoughts and voices saying Jay was next.