Chapter 10- Bronchoscopy

"When can I eat something," Jay asked as the bed was lowered to a perfectly flat position. They'd made it a week, seven full days since the biggest day of Jay's life. And boy was it a slow, quiet, lackluster time; which is exactly what all three wanted, needed. After Jay's learning of events, the rest of the time was spent sleeping, and a lot of it. Most of the time when people came and went, the room was full of conversation amongst Will, Hailey, and whoever else was in the room, meanwhile Jay was passed out. The blankets became a fixture under his chin, no matter the position they were always there. Jay had become a very still, quiet sleeper. He always was, but this time period he was especially one. Now part of that had to do with all that was going on with him, the very last thing he wanted to do was mess with things. But more importantly his lack of movement or really anything was the pain and exhaustion that had come with Covid and surgery. Sleep was his only true escape, full rest and stillness was his response to everything going on. Oh, the pain meds were helping keep things functional for him, but in real terms he never really was pain free. And because of this, and all that still had to be figured out and experienced, the personality was still very much lacking in Jay. He did not want to strike up conversations, rare was it for him to stay awake for more than an hour. If he did speak, it was to answer questions that the medical staff asked, or to simply ask the time or day. It was important to remember that Jay had been out for a month, so it was only natural for him to act this way and be taking his time to try and resurface gradually. Will and Hailey both got this, never really talked about it but understood. Jay was quite scared, confused, lost in so many ways. As much as they wanted to take all that off of him and place it on themselves, there really wasn't much they could except always be there when he woke up. Which is exactly what happened. Over the past few nights Will and Hailey kept alternating nights, allowing each person a good night sleep while the other got a crappy one, before flipping things. When they got to the transplant floor, they weren't sure if both would be allowed to stay the whole time, but at least all would have a place to sit for the day.

"Let's see how things go after this," Will spoke as the stuff for chest tube removal was being set up. The positive side to Jay making it to the one week anniversary was that things could finally start to be removed. The draining from his chest was completely done now, everything looking fantastic in that department, which also meant the NG tube in his nose could finally come out. The stomach no longer needed to stay deflated and restful and therefore, some kind of food could be put back into his system. Will, Hailey, and Jay if he really thought of it, were ready to see more things come off of him. It was well past the time for Jay to start looking normal again, they all would conclude, so this day was both scary and exciting at the same time. Scary because Jay was going to be uncomfortable for a little bit, but exciting because it meant he was healing, and getting ready to move to another floor. But we'll get to that later.

"Okay, Jay. This just a mild relaxant. We want to keep you as calm as possible during all of this," Dr. Marsh explained as the medication was inserted into Jay's IV. As the doctor was explaining things, Jay felt that now familiar high. He wasn't totally knocked out and could still hear things, but he was definitely far more chill then he was a few seconds ago.

"This will be quick. You're going to feel some pressure but there won't be any pain. We'll get you numbed up before we pull anything." Jay could only nod, willingly taking Will's hand as the blankets were pulled down to about his knees. Jay closed his eyes, trying to breathe as normally as he could as the gown was unbuttoned and slowly dropped down to his waist. He still hadn't worked up the courage to see the scars, or even look at himself yet. It genuinely scared him, some part of him thinking that so long as he didn't look, then what was told wasn't really true. He felt like he could still breathe just as well and normal as he could with his lungs, so surely there was some part of this whole crazy story that wasn't true. Yes, he did get Covid and sure, it did mess with his lungs. But he didn't feel different or that parts had been switched out. So, to Jay, something had to be incorrect.

"You're doing great," Will encouraged as the first of many lidocaine syringes were injected into Jay's skin.

"Nothing's happened," he panted through the needle going in and out. Will could only smirk, shaking his head as he went back to watching things. The other part that Jay was terrified of was people touching his chest. First, because things were very sensitive. Second, because he hadn't looked it felt like an invasion of privacy whenever people looked and inspected things. That one was a totally new one for everyone. When Jay admitted that after one check-in a couple days prior, it took a serious and lengthy conversation between the brothers for Jay to finally understand that they were just looking and trying to help. Since then he'd gotten better, but those who knew him could spot the unsettled nature, the cues that he was unhappy. It was happening now, Hailey sighing with deep sadness from the chair as she saw it unfold. She would've loved to have been holding Jay's hand. But there were too many people that needed to help out and plus, she didn't want to scare Jay by reacting in a bad way. So she was a concerned, ever watchful spectator in the back, waiting for things to clear so she could see her person again.

"Can you feel this," Dr. Marsh asked as he poked around the areas of the drainage tubes? When Jay shook his head no for every spot, that was the cue to get things going.

"Alright, just some pressure. It'll be over real quick." The tubes were snaking out from the far corners of the long, main incision. They were on each side of Jay's chest, sticking out just under the breasts and pointed straight down. Will watched as the sutures that were holding everything in place were snipped, squeezing Jay's hand as the gauze wrapped around the left tube was removed and things steadied and readied in the surgeon's hand.

"1…2…3," the surgeon counted down as he started to pull. As promised, Jay didn't feel any pain but certainly a lot of that talked about pressure. He might've allowed a quiet scared grunt to slip out of his mouth, Will coaxing him as the tube finally popped free and onto the procedure pad on Jay's chest. There was a small amount of residual blood that dripped out with the tube, but things stopped in no time and everything was stitched up in a couple minutes.

"You did it. One down, one to go," Will encouraged. Jay could only nod, eyes still closed as the exact same thing was about to happen on the right side.

"Do you need a break?" Jay shook his head.

"I just want this to be done." Once again, things were counted down, the old familiar pressure right there and making Jay want to run away, and then it all stopped.

"Good job, it's out," Will congratulated as the stitches were sewn into the hole where the tube once was. Jay looked in the direction of where Hailey was sitting, eyes darting around the people to find her. It took moving his head and Will to step out of the way, but they found each other. Hailey jokingly and excitedly mini clapped for him, getting the smallest of smirks her way. There it was, the very first sign that Jay still did care.

"And now for the NG tube," the surgeon announced as the gown and blankets were pulled back up and now they all turned towards Jay's head.

"I'm sure you're ready to get rid of this one."

"Uh huh," Jay mumbled as the tube was slowly pulled away from his skin. He'd only been aware of it for a week and hated the thing, but in reality it had been with him since the day he was admitted to Med in March. Aside from the central line and a couple IV ports, the NG tube was one of the last Covid things that was finally leaving him. That in and of itself was something to celebrate.

"No pain or pressure with this long, it's just going to be a lot longer then you think and you might want to sneeze." Jay nodded, choosing to watch this one get pulled.

"Here we go," the surgeon announced as he slowly, yet successfully pulled the tube. At first Jay didn't get the whole sneeze thing, but as the tube just kept coming he was started to understand. As the eternal tube continued it's journey to the world, Jay felt that tingling sensation to sneeze the thing the rest of the way out. But knowing the pain his chest was in, that would be a very bad idea.

"Good grief," Hailey spoke for everyone when the NG tube finally reached an end, plopping onto Jay's chest. Immediately the surgeon began massage the nostril where the tube once was, rubbing his thumb back and forth to help keep the sneeze at bay. The trick worked, the urge going away with every rotation of the thumb.

"What about the catheter," Jay asked as things were wrapped up and thrown away. Will and the surgeon laughed.

"When you get to the transplant floor."

"Which is.."

"Tomorrow." That one they all perked up for.

"Really," Will asked for the group.

"Definitely. His stats are holding, he's doing great, once the drain tubes come out is usually when we send someone to the transplant floor. I want to watch him tonight, just given everything he's been through, but otherwise he's definitely ready for the next phase of things."

"Yay," Hailey quietly celebrated, Jay looking at her with that emotionless face. Apparently the personality was going to come in rare spurts.

"So when can I eat something," Jay asked as the bed was returned to it's normal, slightly elevated position.

"Do you feel like you could keep something down?" Jay nodded.

"Well you're on a liquid diet for a couple days. We need to ease you back into things before we go full force with real food. What about Jello?" Jay and Will shook their heads at the same time, making Hailey roll her eyes and laugh.

"He kind of hates that."

"Is Gatorade okay," Jay asked?

"Definitely. I'll tell the nurse to bring you some," the surgeon replied. He was quick to step out of the room, Jay looking around the room once more as Will and Hailey were busy on their phones, updating everyone or checking the latest news and whatever. It was a quiet few minutes, one that was interrupted by Jay asking about something he hadn't even thought of in over a month.

"How's work?" Hailey almost dropped her phone at that one, Will spinning around to look at his brother, who just stared at the two of them like his question was no big deal. It was the first time in several days he'd asked anything, let alone about life outside of the hospital.

"What," he asked them when neither would answer him right away.

"It's just…you haven't really asked about that…or anything like ever."

"Okay?! Well I'm asking now so.."

"Well, it's going. It's kind of busy since they're…well…"

"Down two people," Jay cut in.

"Yeah, kind of. It's just crazy that even in the middle of a pandemic and stay at home orders we're still taking on new cases. For a couple weeks it was all paperwork, but ever since then they've been steadily getting more cases."

"I wish I could help out."

"I know," Hailey lovingly, helplessly understood.

"But the best thing you can do for everyone is to rest and get better so you can get back out there." Jay just nodded, he'd heard the same story so many times before, but had yet to accept it and obey. He was a detective, it was his life calling. So to be sitting in bed doing nothing when his team really needed him, he could never understand why it was okay for him to sit back. If he wanted to risk his health to help others, that was his call. Except this time around, there was a third party involved in all of this, a third party that finally made Hailey's comment click. The very last thing he wanted to do was destroy such a precious gift given to him. Like it wasn't the same thing, but in his mind he equated this to the time he got his very first bike. He was seven, had just learned to ride a bike sans training wheels, and it was a very expensive bike gifted to him on his birthday. He was such a meticulous bike owner with that thing, not even Will was allowed to touch or ride it. Every day he cleaned the bike with a wet and dry rag. Every time it rained he never went out, even in the snow he made sure to ride around big puddles or just hoof it when everyone else chose to ride the streets. He parked it in a very clean, small corner of the garage, was quite proud to show the thing off whenever friends, family, anyone came to the house. He wanted to prove to his parents that he could take care of their investment, that he was a careful, thoughtful, trustworthy child with their huge gift to him. And that was when it clicked in his present day mind: the lungs. They too were a huge investment in Jay's life, a massive, giant, precious gift to him that he had no way of repaying. He had to take care of them just like he did with that bike. Keep them safe, keep them healthy, be proud to show off what someone had done for him. This is when another lightbulb went off: he could not show off what he himself couldn't even look at. Furthermore, him choosing to not look was a huge slap in the face to the person who gifted him these incredible, beautiful, life saving lungs. It was so rude to not look at a gift someone literally gave their life for. So it was right then, against his great fears stirring up in himself, Jay knew what he had to do.

"I want to see," Jay announced. Again, another round of Hailey and Will stopping dead in their tracks at Jay's voice. It appeared Jay was making a big comeback today.

"See what, the incisions and stuff?" Jay nodded.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Will and Hailey put the phones down, one taking a side and staying there for a moment before they did anything.

"You're sure about this," Will asked once more.

"Yeah." Hailey looked to Will nodded the go ahead.

"Hailey, you do the buttons on this side and I'll do these," Will instructed as he sat the bed up a little more. Jay was genuinely shaking as he felt things become loose before falling down to his waste. Out of habit now he closed his eyes, breathing deep through his nose and out his mouth as Will tried to figure out what to do next.

"Um, I think we need to sit you up and then have you on the edge of the bed."

"Can he do that?"

"Yeah, he's not hurting anything if he sits up with help for a couple minutes." Will pulled the blankets out of Jay's way, tucking things just past his feet before undoing the blood pressure wraps on his legs and unhooking the wires.

"Okay, I'm going to pull the feet off the bed first and then we'll help swivel you, kind of, in the direction of the edge. Tell me if moving your legs hurts at all." Jay could only nod, eyes still closed as Will grabbed his right foot and moved it to being off the bed.

"Still okay," Will asked as he worked the left leg off? Jay nodded again.

"Okay. Hailey take his shoulder and arm, I'll do the lower back and arm on my side." She could only nod, trying to figure out how she was going to do this without messing things up.

"Just relax, just breathe and relax. We're trying to do this in one full swoop. Don't try and tense up or use your abs or this will really hurt."

"Uh huh," Jay nodded. He could feel Will and Hailey take their spots on him, each asking the other if they were ready, and then before he knew it he was moving, feeling air on his back for the first time in forever. That's something you never really keep track of, but when you haven't felt it in a month it's definitely something that you notice. Hailey meanwhile chose to ignore the fact that moving Jay was like moving a mannequin. He was just as stiff and felt to be just as light as one, but she got over that when Jay took the exhale of relief that the movement was over. Try to be quick and smooth as they were, the act still really hurt. Jay took in his new view of the world. He found a normal wall looking back at him, fake hardwood flooring just under his hovering feet. He noted the purple socks peeking out from the leg wraps and also noticed how light he felt. This whole thing was just so weird, welcoming, wonderful, he concluded.

"Okay…now how do we.."

"-I'll get my phone," Hailey cut in. Will took over the support of Jay's back as Hailey darted back to her phone before rounding the bed, pulling up her camera as she took a seat next to Jay.

"Alright, you ready?" For a split second Jay wanted to say no, tell them this was all some terrible joke and that he wanted to lay back down right then. But then his ever stubborn self said otherwise. He had to do this. He couldn't avoid looking at himself the rest of his life and this whole fear thing was stupid. Hailey swallowed as she handed him the phone, the camera in front facing mode.

"Careful of the epidural," Will pointed out, Hailey totally forgetting that thing was there. She stopped herself just before her fingers touched the IV line in his back.

"The what," Jay quickly asked?

"Dude, didn't you feel it this whole time?"

"No," Jay quickly and annoyingly responded.

"Just don't think about it. It'll come out in a couple days." Jay sighed, pulling himself back to the whole reason they were doing this whole crazy maneuver thing. He counted to three, kept his eyes closed as he turned the phone towards himself and held it up as best he could without things hurting. He kept telling himself to open his eyes until he finally did, both ready and not ready for what was on the other side of his view.

It was huge and it was ugly. He could only stare and just observe and absorb. His once spotless and in shape torso was no more, in it's place so many bruises, drawn and sutured lines that he really got lost in it all. Looking at himself he could not recognize himself, so much had changed, so much wasn't there, he was really doing a double, triple take and still not believing that it was him in the camera. But there was no sound coming out of him, no freak out or word or anything. He just kept staring, waiting for something to happen. The odd part was that all the incisions and eventual scarring that would take place didn't bother him at all. Even the main one that went right across his whole chest, he wasn't bothered by any of that. If anything, some weird part of him was proud that he got to keep things for the rest of time.

"Oh, Jay," Hailey cooed as she watched the tears that were streaming down his face. While may have though he wasn't reacting, in reality he was quietly allowing the tears of many emotions to spill out of him. In all honesty they all were crying, so much for that pact of never crying again.

"I love you," Hailey whispered as she wiped the tears off his face, Will doing the same on the other side. Eventually Jay nodded, things starting to click in his mind. He may not feel like he'd received this absolutely incredible gift, there was no doubt in his mind anymore that it actually happened. It was like arguing the sun wasn't real as you suffered the worst sunburn of your life. You may not see the actual thing, but the effects of it were too obvious and real to make you believe anything else. He still may have some understanding to go and a process of truly accepting what happened on that day, but Jay finally realized and got that he was the living result of a double lung transplant. He was a survivor, and that was tough to accept. But he did.

"How much weight have I lost," he finally spoke up. Hailey laughed as she kindly took the phone he was handing back.

"That's the only thing you noticed," Will joked?

"Not…just that," Jay teased.

"I don't know. We'll get you on a scale at some point, but I'd say a lot." Jay nodded, now using his own eyes to peer as far down as he could. If he could he'd reach and touch things, but the sensitivity kept him from doing that. But it was real, it was him, and in no time he was okay with that. In an instant the fear was gone. Now in it's place was the question pertaining to what came next, which Jay wasn't sure of right then. But regardless, he was doing his best to accept.

"Thank you," he quietly spoke of them.

"No Jay, thank you," Will spoke for the two of them.

"We wouldn't be doing any of this if you hadn't pushed and fought to still be here." Jay had no clue how to respond to that, because he didn't see his role in any of that. At this point, a lot of it felt like fate, luck, medicine, who knew. But instead of getting into that very deep, philosophical issue, he nodded and asked to be put back in bed. The gown was buttoned back up, the very meticulous and logistical task of moving him happened, and the blankets were just being pulled back on him as the nurse entered the room with Jay's first 'meal' in a very long time.

"Someone order Gatorade? I hope you like blue. It's all we have." "It's his favorite," Hailey excitedly replied. She took the bottle and straw from the nurse, Will uncapping and tucking the straw in before handing it off to Jay.

"Do you think you can hold this?" Jay nodded. His hands shook and arms felt like jelly, but he completed the small milestone of feeding himself for the first time in a month. Hailey handed out many praises as Will told him to go slow so he didn't choke and throw up. The liquid had that classic blue, sugary, thick taste of Gatorade. It was so good, filling, Jay could feel the liquid rushing down his throat and into his very empty stomach. He finished the first bottle in a couple minutes, was in the process of working on the next when the exhaustion kicked back in. Hailey grabbed the bottle just before it fell out of his hands. A break through moment followed by hours of sleep. Welcome to Jay Halstead 2020.

…

The day had finally come: moving day! It was day eight post-transplant, life with new lungs, and Jay was finally recovered enough to be able to move to a more normal floor of the hospital. It was such a huge milestone because it indicated that for the first time since he entered the hospital, Jay was getting better, well enough to not need around the clock care. Now of course, when he got the the transplant floor he would still need care, assistance, and medical oversight as things continued to improve and Jay got more acquainted with the new lungs, but regardless this was a big, big day. So it made no sense why none of the people in that room were excited about this day, it would boggle the mind when a dark cloud fell over the room. But when we rejoin them at this exact moment, you can start to understand why they were feeling what they were feeling.

"Do I have to be knocked out for this," Jay asked as the bed was being lowered to a flat position. Another day, another procedure that was making him shake with anxiety as he whole body was lowered to a flat surface. He was very quickly figuring out that laying flat meant the odds of some terrible procedure happening to you were high. If you were sitting up, you had a fighting chance of having a good, procedure free day.

"Yeah, you do. This would be way too uncomfortable for you to be awake for."

"And we don't need you throwing up all over the place," the doctor added in. Jay was just about to endure another bronchoscopy. It was standard in the first week, two weeks, one month, six month, and then every year after after a double lung transplant. Unlike the other bronchoscopies, this time they were going to be both observing and taking a very small sample of tissue from each lung, checking for rejection and any other signs of issue. This wasn't the first time Jay had gone through one of these, but it definitely was the first one that he was aware of. Will and Hailey tried to explain how the whole thing worked and how long it could potentially take, but Jay was always hung up on the fact that he was going to be put back to sleep. After living in the unconscious world for over a month, the very last thing Jay wanted to do was go back, and certainly not a little over a week after his his previous trip. Jay was very much scared that history would repeat himself, that he'd be gone for another month and wake up to something else rather drastic and life changing happening to him. Jay never confessed any of this, but his two caretakers picked up on it and they got it. If they were being totally honest they weren't happy about it either, but it had to be done.

"It won't be that long, I promise. When you wake up you'll be in your new room. Just think about that." Jay was grateful for Will's attempts to distract him, but they were failing rather epically. Jay closed his eyes, mumbled some curse under his breath as the doctor got the sedative set up and in to one of Jay's IV.

"Like a long blink," the doctor said as the sedative was pushed into Jay's veins.

"See you when you wake up," Will spoke as Jay's eyelids drooped against the weight of the drugs. A couple blinks later, Jay's whole body went limp, his mouth being opened via the doctor as the tubes for the bronchoscopy were beginning to slide down his throat.

"This is something I never wanted to see again," Hailey announced as the final tube was in place and the monitor was prepared to reveal things to the room.

"I know, it's too much too soon, but he'll be fine." Hailey could only nod, biting the inside of her mouth things got underway. For the first few minutes the room was silent to allow for the surgeon to do his job perfectly.

"There's the left lung," he announced before long, turning the screen to Will and Hailey and showing them a stunning, inflating, pink and healthy lung.

"Wow," Will spoke, fully appreciating the night and day difference from the last scans. Hailey meanwhile had to a clue what she was looking at, simply nodding along while not losing her focus on Jay. The surgeon took the first sample of the left lung, pulling it out with a special instrument and handing it off before moving things back and down to the right lung. One down, one to go. The procedure was taking a lot less time than ever before and Will and Hailey were very fine with that.

"And there's the right," the surgeon called, yet another fantastic image of a very healthy lung. The second sample was clipped off, that coming up to the surface first before it was announced that Jay was looking great so far. Barring any surprises it appeared he was not in any kind of rejection and his progress was amazing. It was only when the last of the tubes were removed from his throat and spit wiped away from his face did Hailey breathe a big exhale. The procedure took about fifteen minutes, but to her it felt like close to an hour. But, mercifully, it all was over. Jay was still very much unconscious but appearing to be peacefully asleep.

"And on that note, let's get him upstairs." Will was busy gathering up his bag as things were prepped for transport, Hailey just standing back and watching as IV bags were tossed onto the bed. He was still on so much: IV fluids, all the rejection meds, pain meds, and medication for other things Hailey wasn't really aware of or told about, but she could not have been more excited to see him leaving this place. The best part was that he wasn't leaving the floor on a ventilator, that at last he was breathing and breathing well enough to be on his own. Unlike the all the other times in the hospital, a bag was not breathing for Jay as he transferred to the gurney. Will and Hailey stopped to watch that, noting just how lifeless and light he looked as he landed on the new surface.

"When can we weigh him," she quietly asked Will as things were just about ready for moving.

"I don't know. Probably when we can get him up and walking." Hailey nodded, that mystery having to be left unsolved for awhile longer. She wanted so desperately to reach over and grab his hand, have the two of them be hand and hand to the next phase of the journey. But with the transport people all around the bed and Will asking if she could grab something, it looked like she'd be able to hold his hand when they got to their next stop.

"Here we go," the transport team announced, in a very slow yet kind of parade like speed pushed Jay towards the doorway. Will was a little sad to leave this place. In a sense this was like the ending of a long, eventful, but super wonderful chapter. The images of the first day Jay came to this floor floated in his mind, going back to how heavy and somber the place was. He could never forget how sick Jay was, how weak and near death was he when he got parked on this floor. He was so exhausted that it was considered successful when he was moved to a bed and didn't spike his blood pressure or cause trouble for himself. At the time, Will was living in denial, that Jay didn't really need all of this and that he'd just get better. But seeing now how Jay was breathing on his own after going through a stressful procedure and no one was worried, it just drove home how far Jay had come and how bad off he was.

The other thing Will hated was that they were leaving the place where the miracle happened. It was this floor that it was decided Jay would be put through the transplant process, it was this floor where Jay fought to get to that incredible day and it was here that Will first learned of the new lungs. So much good happened here that it was incredibly sad to be leaving it all behind. In the moment, this floor was so dark and uncertain that it made Will dread the visitation days. But now with the storms behind them, Will couldn't help but see the good this whole floor allowed, not to mention all the faces and souls that helped get Jay to where he was. As they made their way to the hallway, each staff member of the ICU stopped what they were doing to wish Jay well, to send Will and Hailey off with well wishes and praises for how far Jay had come. By the time they reached the elevator both Will and Hailey were looking to the other and daring them to not cry. It was so hard, but somehow they did it.

"I can't believe it," Will said as they were waiting to get on the elevator.

"I know, this chapter is over. And…I'm going to kind of miss it. Isn't that crazy?" Will smirked, looking back at the place one last time, taking a million mental images. It was scary, but it a huge part of Jay's story. As his mind snapped there was a single word floating through Will's mind: thankfulness.

"Will, we're getting on," Hailey said as she tugged at his shoulder. Will turned away from the ICU and to the elevator, noticing that everyone was waiting for him to get on. Will took those couple of steps, hovering his foot over the crack between the floor and the car, taking in the symbolic moment. He had one foot in the past, another getting ready to head into the unknown future. He didn't look away from the ICU till the doors closed. To never having to go back on that floor again.

"Onto the next chapter," Will spoke under his breath as the elevator climbed. Hailey nodded, patting his back before looking back at Jay.

"I just wish he was awake for one of these big moments." Will nodded.

"I know, but the biggest one of all he will be for sure." They had to take hope in that, hope that that day would come before long. This chapter the two of them knew nothing about, but they were ready for it; excited even. It was time to get Jay all the way back.

…

It took no time at all to realize he was in a very different place. The moment he opened his eyes and looked around, the changes were rather obvious and welcomed. For starters Will and Hailey were sitting down. Will was on the couch, lying down with phone in hand. Meanwhile Hailey was on a chair on the other side of the room, also with phone in hand. The two of them hadn't noticed Jay was awake yet, Jay's throat too sore to have any desire for talking. So instead he used his opening moments to look around. The room was so much bigger, perhaps twice the size of the ICU room and even had a window to the outside world. The shades were pulled all the way up, revealing a very sunny, near cloudless blue sky. Looking out into the world reminded Jay of how things were the last time he saw daylight. When he entered the hospital it was snowing, grey, a very bleak day. So for as long as he'd been awake, that's what his mind told him was still happening. The sunlight was so welcomed, so odd for things, and it made Jay immediately realize just how out of it he had been and for so long. He wanted so badly to get up, look outside, and try to start piecing all those missing days into something. He felt so lost, behind everyone else, almost irrelevant in a way.

"Hey, you're up," Hailey greeted when she saw that Jay was moving his hand to his face.

"Don't take that off," Will called as he got up from the bed in order to adjust the cannula back into place.

"Are we in the new room?"

"Yeah, we got settled about an hour ago. The scope went great, everything looks good." Jay nodded, taking a little moment of pride for things going so well. He hadn't fully claimed ownership at this point, but was both relieved and content with having the biggest gift ever doing very well.

"How are you feeling," Hailey asked?

"Tired."

"Well that's the sedative still in your system. You're going to feel that way the rest of the day. What about pain?"

"It's fine." Will nodded as Hailey sat on a side of the bed, smiling at Jay as she waited for him to find her.

"I'm really proud of you for making it this far," Hailey said.

"We both are. I think you're going to like this floor. It's much bigger and a little more relaxed than the ICU. Also…" Hailey leaned to the side, revealing a door directly across from the bed.

"A bathroom?" Hailey nodded.

"And guess what else," Will added. That one perked Jay up a little, lifting the blankets on him and searching for something that was no longer there.

"Catheter is gone?" Will and Hailey smiled and nodded. To say Jay was relieved was an understatement. Finally, he had some dignity back and some control over things.

"So I can…like, get up? And go to the bathroom?"

"With some help, but yes. And also, you have a shower which dude, you really need." Jay nodded, smirking as he realized it was rather true. He hadn't showered in over a month and had gone through so much in that time period. A shower kind of scared him because that meant moving, but on the other hand he was so ready to be mobile and clean again.

"When can I eat some food? Like actual food?"

"Probably not for another couple days. It's all about going back into things slow. You'll get there. Hey, do you want anything right now?"

"Another Gatorade would be nice." Will took off in the direction of the hallway to find the requested item, meanwhile Hailey took the brief moment alone to grab Jay's hand, hold it tight as she looked at him with love.

"What," he asked as she looked at him? He was growing a little uncomfortable with the lack of speaking, not really sure what Hailey was trying to say or do. Again, things were going to take some time, a lot still had to be sorted through. So love, emotions, deep feelings were very much on the back burner.

"Nothing, I'm just really proud of you. And can't believe we're here. Jay, you have no idea how hard this last month has been. How…scary and bad and how we almost lost you." Hailey hung her head, trying to not cry in front of Jay. It was never her intention of trying to make him feel bad or hurt or scared, but she was really losing the battle with the tears.

"To be able to touch you and see you and have you looking back at me…I had times where I didn't think this was going to happen again." And then in a total gut feeling move she leaned in to kiss him on the lips, she wasn't sure why she was doing it, but she just kind of went for it. And just like the last time she tried this, Jay didn't respond at all. In fact, he kind of balked at her gesture, lips tightening as she planted down on them. What was going to be a breakthrough moment of rekindled love, in her mind, was just a continuation down her dark thought process that Jay didn't love her anymore. Very awkwardly she pulled away embarrassed, wiping her lip off as Jay just stared at her, not having a clue what to say or do.

"I'm sorry," she spoke with a red face.

"It's fine," he quietly said back.

"Look, there's something I need to tell you. When you were…uuummm, checked out. Some weird stuff happened." Jay furrowed his brow, really trying to listen and understand but the drugs were making that a little bit of a task.

"Like?!" But quite literally as Hailey was opening her mouth to continue, Will returned.

"Got some! They also had blue so that's a big win." Jay and Hailey didn't lose focus on each other, doing their little mind talking trick as Will uncapped the bottle, stuck the straw in, and handed it off to Jay.

"Everything okay," Will asked? Hailey nodded, yanking her hand away from Jay.

"Yeah, was just telling him how happy we are to have him on this floor."

"Yeah," Jay trailed off. He was starving, so ready for real food. He took the Gatorade bottle right out of Will's hands, sucking the liquid down hard and fast as the sweet, nutritional fluid filled his very empty stomach.

"I want to know how much weight I've lost," he said between sips.

"We'll find out. Maybe tomorrow. They want you at least sitting up on your own by then." Sitting, walking, being mobile once more. Jay was so ready for it, excited to start the process of being human again. In the thinking of all that was to come, he'd long forgotten whatever Hailey was trying to say. But she didn't. In fact, she was cruising down the thought that Jay had changed and no longer loved her. It appeared that his acceptance of his new life included not having her involved. It also appeared that in this timespan of a month, she'd grown into the truth that she could not live a life that didn't involve him in some way while he appeared to be okay with great distance between them. After everything Jay had been through, that scared her the most.