Hey everyone! Here's an speculation fic for 9x04 based on the 15 sec crumbs from the promo. It's probably not what will happen, but it's what I want to happen. =) Happy reading.
Jay awakens to an empty bed and a quiet room. He casts a glance to the side and the imprint of Hailey's body still lingers on the sheets, though not her warmth. He can still see where her head rested against the pillow, where her body curled against his. Jay can feel Hailey's presence as acutely as he can feel her absence, and lately, he's been feeling the latter a lot more.
And it's not just her physical absence; Hailey's been more than a little off lately, clingy, and yet distant as if she can't decide whether she wants Jay around all the time or not at all. Despite this, he senses her drifting away with each passing day, and yet she swears there's nothing wrong. It's been weeks, and Jay hasn't pushed the subject, thinking he should give her space to come to him when she is ready.
She hasn't yet.
Jay sighs and slides out of the bed and slips on a pair of sweatpants. He pulls on a t-shirt and walks to the living room. He finds her sitting on the couch, book in hand, though she is not reading it.
"Hailey, you okay?" Jay asks.
She doesn't respond.
"Hailey?"
Finally, she blinks and lifts her gaze to him. She smiles – not the dimple-displaying one that he loves, but a sad one that doesn't reach her eyes.
"You okay?" he tries again, feeling like the words have been on a never-ending cycle lately.
Hailey responds with a mumbled 'uh huh' accompanied by a faint nod.
"Can't sleep?" he asks gently.
"Yeah, but I'm fine, Jay."
That's a lie.
Jay lets out a resigned sigh and plops down on the couch, pulling her legs over his lap. "It's, what, your third, maybe fourth night that—"
"I promise to lay off the caffeine tomorrow," she interrupts like that's what's keeping her awake. "Maybe get those melatonin pills Kim is always talking about."
Jay runs his hand over her bare legs and for a moment they are both silent. Jay frozen in place, unsure how to coax the pain out of her, and Hailey staring at him with wide, turbulent eyes.
"I just miss you in there," he says, with a quick jerk of his chin towards the bedroom.
"I didn't want to wake you up," she says, and it's a copout.
"How's that plan going?" he prompts, a cheeky smile on his lips.
Hailey rolls her eyes. "Not well. I just figured one of us should get a full night's sleep."
"I think I've had a few nights under my belt, I think it's your turn now."
She chuckles, the soft sound echoing in the air. Then she wiggles around in the narrow couch, climbing into his lap, and wraps her arms around his neck. A slow smile bows her lips upward.
"So you miss me, huh?" she says in that faux-innocent whisper she's perfected so well.
"Yes," he answers, and they both know he doesn't just mean tonight.
His gaze trails to her lips with an intense focus before his eyes meet hers again. He can see what she wants – a distraction – because he wants the same thing. He leans in, captures her lips, and lets her distract him. She opens to him and the kiss goes on. Slow. Lazy. Tender. Achingly sweet. Her body arches, molding itself to him, as his hands slide into her hair, cupping the back of her head. Hailey is still sleep warm and soft, and she tastes the way she smells – sweet and with a hint of her flowery shampoo.
For a perfect moment, the world disappears around them. There is just the two of them and the sweet meshing of their lips, unhurried. Exploratory. Hungry but not overbearing.
"Hailey," Jay murmurs against her mouth at the same time as he grabs hold of her thighs, sliding his hand up to her bottom. He squeezes and softens the kiss even more. "I don't mind having a few sleepless nights, like this, with you," Jay says truthfully. "It's one of my favorite things to do."
"Oh," she answers softly, and the sad smile on her face turns into a genuine one.
"I missed that smile," he whispers against her lips.
She smiles wider, brighter, her cheeks flushing a sweet pink.
"And that one, too…" He steals a quick kiss and after a beat, he adds. "But I know something's happened. And I know you are not ready to tell me, and that's okay. But know that I'm on your side. Always."
Her eyes meet his. Suddenly, he thinks he sees a shimmer of wetness there.
"I love you, ya know?" Jay continues. "So I worry about you."
She strokes his cheek and Jay notes the tremble in her fingers, a sign of the battle that continues to wage in her. Her shoulders then crumple inward and she takes a couple of shaky breaths to try to compose herself.
"I will be fine," she says, adding a note of confidence to her tone, though the tremors that before had resided only in her fingers have now traveled up through her arms and into her shoulders. "As long as I have you, I will be okay."
Jay studies her face, looking for any cracks in her armor, but there are none. She's not coming clean tonight. He catches her hands in his and presses a kiss into first one palm, then the other. Then motions with his head towards the bedroom.
"Want to try to get some shut-eye?"
Hailey nods. "Okay."
She climbs off his lap but keeps their fingers linked.
Jay holds Hailey tightly to him in bed, and when her breaths even out with sleep, the morning light peeks out from behind the curtains. The thought of having to wake her up has Jay's heart sinking more than it should.
x
The days pass, and Jay is genuinely perplexed as to where Hailey gets the energy to do anything. She hasn't been sleeping, half her meals are left uneaten. She's basically running on caffeine and adrenaline. She still claims everything is fine – that's she's all good, but Jay is well aware that's the furthest thing from the truth. Hailey is literally crumbling in front of his eyes, and he has no idea how to help her.
But then one day, something tears through her carefully constructed shield and she snaps. Jay isn't sure what triggers it, but one minute Hailey is zoning out in the bullpen, the next she is breaking into a sprint towards the locker room. Everyone turns to him for an explanation, but he doesn't have one, and it saddens him that he is just as clueless of Hailey's inner turmoil as the rest of his colleagues.
He runs after her and finds her leaning against the wall, hand on chest, panting and trembling.
"Hailey? Hey, hey…" he says approaching her. He watches her chest rise and fall, fitful and erratic. She is having a panic attack.
Jay has experienced his fair share of panic attacks. He knows the pain that radiates through your chest and squeezes the air from your lungs. The awful sensation of your heart pounding against your ribcage and ears like a hammer. He's felt it all before, and seeing Hailey go through it has his own heart sinking to about the level of his feet; he can feel it sinking out of the protective barrier of his rib cage. The desperate look on her face, the fear, the despair, it all vibrate painfully throughout him.
"Hailey, just breathe," he says, softly. "Slows breaths. In and out."
When she reaches out a blind hand, he takes it, feeling the grip of her fingers tighten in his hand, turning her knuckles white.
"It's okay, just breathe," he repeats, keeping a slight distance so as not to crowd her.
But Hailey continues to struggle to pull air into her lungs, and the effort brings tears to her eyes. She continues to try to breathe, but her exhale is still shaky and irregular. She touches her face with her hand, pulls another ragged breath in, but her whole body is still trembling. Then her eyes catch something by the door, Jay looks in the direction and Voight is standing there, watching. In an instant, Hailey is moving to sit on the bench, trying but still failing to get a grip on her breathing.
Jay takes a silent note of the sudden shift in the air.
"Everything okay?" Voight rasps.
Jay looks from Hailey to Voight. "Hailey needs a minute," he says, but Voight continues to stands there, nothing but a blank, emotionless look on his face.
Hailey draws a slow, deep breath, trying to ease the constricted sensation in her chest. It takes a few moments, but her shallow breaths gradually turn into slow, deep breaths. Some color returns to her cheeks.
"You good, Hailey," Voight asks, and Jay frowns at the slight edge in his tone.
"I-I'm good, sarge," Hailey pants. "Just, uh, a little… rundown," she tosses feebly at him.
Voight just nods his head, seemingly unfazed by Hailey's distress. "Go home, detective. Cash in on your unused furlough."
"No, no," Hailey shakes her head. "I'm good. I-I want to see this case through."
"Not asking," Voight tells her, and his indifference irks Jay. Does Voight know something Jay doesn't?
Hailey closes her eyes and gingerly rubs her face as if to erase the evidence of her tears.
"Jay," Voight calls. "The team is getting ready to surveil our suspect. You should join them. I will make sure Hailey gets home."
Jay looks between Voight and Hailey once again. Everything is happening so fast, and he doesn't know how to process it all. The last thing he wants to do it leave Hailey.
"It's okay," she says, placing a hand on his thigh. She attempts a smile and fails. "I'm okay now," she says though everything about her is saying otherwise.
"You sure?"
She nods. "Yeah. Catch the guy, kay?"
Jay knows Hailey is not okay. But there's a job that needs to be done. He runs his hand over her back soothingly and whispers, "Call me if anything, and I mean anything."
She nods.
With a sinking feeling in his gut, Jay stands up and walks out of the locker room, feeling like he's failed her. Hailey is his person, the one he should protect. But for the past few weeks, he's been feeling like he's falling short, and today proved it.
x
Jay is in a daze the rest of the day because all he can think about is Hailey. But something else is also gnawing him – Voight's indifference, his complete nonchalance in the face of what should have been a shocking scene. Hailey is as tough as they come; she's cool under pressure and has excellent emotional control. But Voight didn't seem surprised that she was having a panic attack. It was as if he expected – as if he knew what caused it.
In his down time in the surveillance van, Jay decides to do some digging by looking back into call logs and phone pings between Hailey and Voight. He finds a distinct pattern between the two going back to Kim's kidnapping, specifically the night they found Kim. Something tightens inside Jay's chest.
He calls in a few favors and obtains the locations for Hailey and Voight phone for the entire day, and is astounded when he discovers their joint location that night – the warehouse Roy's SUV had been parked. He doesn't need to go any deeper to connect the dots. He's not sure what happened, but he knows Voight well enough to draw a grim picture. Then Voight's final cell ping prior to the hospital has a terrible feeling, itchy and vile, creeping up on him.
As soon as Jay returns from the surveillance detail, he marches into Voight's office.
"We need to talk."
"If it's not about the case, then there's nothing to discuss."
"One of your detectives had a panic attack in the locker room today. So, we are going to talk," Jay states and hands him a piece of paper with an address.
Voight looks between the piece of paper and Jay. If the address looked familiar, Voight's face doesn't show.
"What's this?"
"A quiet place to talk."
Voight huffs out a breath. "There are many quiet places we can talk. Why here?"
"To help jog your memory."
Voight's stoic poker face suddenly gives way, and he looks slightly weary. Jay doesn't care to see it. He turns on his heels and walks away.
x
After shift, Jay drives to the abandoned site and waits for Voight. When he spots Voight's headlights approaching, heat spreads over his body, making his blood begins to boil. When they are finally face-to-face, Jay gets straight to the point.
"Tell me what's going on with Hailey?"
"Hailey is the one you should be asking that question."
"She can't eat. She's not sleeping. Something is going on and I think you know what that is."
"huh," Voight grunts. "That so?"
"What is ripping her apart?" Jay asks.
"Again, you should be asking Hailey that question."
Jay pauses, trying to keep his irritation ta bay. "What were you two doing at the warehouse the night we found Kim?"
The statement stuns Voight, though he is quick to mask it.
"Yeah, I know you two were there," Jay adds.
"Jay, if I were you, I would just drop this. For your sake, and for Hailey's."
"What did you do?" Jay says through gritted teeth.
"I'm going to stop you right there," Voight says, raising his hand. "Think about what you're implying here. It's a line you can't uncross."
"You killed him, didn't you? Hailey found you, and she is now keeping your secret, which is eating her alive."
"I didn't kill Roy," Voight says firmly – a challenge.
Jay shakes his head. "Hailey didn't kill him. She wouldn't."
"I don't think you know the woman you're sleeping next to."
Jay shakes his head vehemently. "I know her, and I don't care what happened. In the end, it's all you. This whole thing has your dirty fingers all over it."
"You need to go home and think about what you are saying, what that would mean in the grand scheme of the ongoing investigation," Voight says, a thinly veiled warning.
Jay pinches his lips together, rage welling up beneath the surface of his skin. He knows what Voight is saying. Regardless of what happened in the warehouse, Hailey was there. If Voight goes down, she goes down with him.
"I hope you did a better job at hiding the body this time," Jay says. "This is where you buried him, right?"
Voight doesn't say anything.
Jay squares his shoulders, in an intimidating stance. "She's not taking the fault here," Jay states resolutely. "Hailey's not going to be another Al."
At that, Voight's demeanor hardens. "Go home, Jay."
"She goes down; I take you down," Jay says, unable to find anything else that properly expressed the depths of his disgust.
He turns on his heels and walks back to his car.
x
Jay drives home, with more questions than answers. He stops in front of their apartment door and fishes the keys from his pocket. His right hand is trembling, anger simmering in his veins. There is very little he can do for Hailey, he realizes bitterly. Whatever happened in that warehouse, Hailey is implicated. Bringing Voight down would ultimately pull Hailey down along with him. And she isn't going down – that he is sure of.
Jay takes a deep breath and keys inside his apartment, finding the space dark and quiet. Pushing aside the anger swirling in his chest, all that's left is something similar to loss. He is confused and frustrated and disappointed. The person he loves most in the world has kept something from him - something big - to the point that it made her sick.
Jay hasn't had time to digest everything yet. He knows Hailey loves him, but a question lingers, did her proposal happened because of love or fear?
He walks to their bedroom and finds her curled up in bed. He can tell she's not asleep, but rather staring off into space.
He rubs the back of his neck, wondering what to do. Should he leave her alone? Or should he just march in there and ask for an explanation?
Jay isn't happy with any of these choices. All he wants to do is curl up with Hailey, pull the cover over their heads to escape until they can deal with the world again. He honestly doesn't know what to say to her, so he says nothing. Instead, he sits down on the bed, scoots towards her, and gently eases her into his arms. He feels her stiffen for a moment, then she lets out a sigh and snuggles into his chest.
Jay lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.
Against his shirt, he can feel her eyelashes as she blinks, so he knows she isn't dropping off to sleep. Yet, she lays against him so still, so quiet.
He reacts instinctively, not thinking so much about what he is doing as much as letting his feelings guide him. His one hand gently strokes her back, keeping his touch comforting. His other hand strays to her hair, his fingers exploring the fine texture, letting her know with slow caresses that he isn't going anywhere. Gradually, he feels her breathing change and he knows the instant she begins to respond.
Hailey shifts slightly in his arms, her hands subtly drawing him closer. The warm familiar scent of her wraps around him, and he breathes in deeply. His arms tighten around her as he lowers his head, his cheek resting on her hair. It feels good to hold her, to feel the flutter of her heart against his.
But slowly, Hailey pulls back, not meeting his eyes. "I'm all right now."
Jay studies the dusting of golden freckles across her small nose. He reaches to tilt her chin upwards so she has to look at him. He sees the fear return in the blue depths of her eyes, the panic he knows is festering just below the surface of her skin. In one swift movement, he touches his mouth to hers and draws her closer into his arms.
Surprise has her lips parting and he seizes the moment to nip at her bottom lip. She doesn't pull back, doesn't move at all. Then she breathes a soft sigh and surrenders herself to the kiss. It's a lazy, slow kiss, without an endpoint – one to convey, perhaps, what Jay can't articulate. There is no end to them.
Pulling back, breathing hard, he stares into her eyes, anxious and frightened.
"Tell me what's going on, please?" Jay whispers softly.
Hailey stiffens, shakes her head, and scoots away from him and off the bed, hugging herself in a classically defensive posture.
"Hailey, please tell me and I promise I'll love you all the same," he says, throwing her words back at her.
"You won't," she whispers, and he barely catches it.
"Hailey, please," he says, reaching out to her. "Whatever secret Voight is pressuring you to keep, don't."
At that Hailey turns to look at him. "What are you talking about?"
"I know," Jay says. "Roy, the warehouse… I know you two were there. I know something happened. I just need you to tell me what, so I can help you."
Hailey's mouth moves wordlessly as Jay stares at her dead-on.
"I did my due diligence," he explains.
After a long moment, she breaks eye contact with him and he watches her take a shuddering breath. He crawls over to sit next to her and sees her eyes fill with tears until they slip down her cheek, and then she's crying outright, her face contorted and her shoulders shaking. She leans against him and he wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close. He holds on as she breaks down, giving in to the emotions she's refused to acknowledge while pretending everything was fine. Warm tears spill down her face, their salty paths stripping her skin.
Then after a moment, she finally tells him everything. Hearing the account of what happened only strengthens his anger towards Voight. Hailey shot Roy because she was put in an unimaginable position. Then forced to carry the weight of this secret knowing she let herself down.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jay asks.
"I couldn't," she says and wipes her eyes.
"Hailey—"
"I couldn't drag you into this mess."
"Hailey, you proposed to me that night. Did you—"
"Jay, I proposed because I love you. I didn't do it out of fear. Everything that happened just made me rethink what was important to me. And when I did, I ran towards the one thing in my life that is good, the one thing I can rely on and trust, and that's you." Hailey sighs. "I know you're probably hurt and disappointed. So, if you want to take a break from the engagement, from us… I- I," her voice catches. "I will understand."
"I don't want to do that," Jay answers. "I don't love you any less, Hailey. But we do need to have a few conversations."
Hailey looks up at him and nods.
"Not tonight, though," he adds. "Tonight, we sleep."
Pulling her down onto the bed he wraps his arms around her, the embrace comforting, intimate, and them. It takes a while, but Jay finally feels Hailey fully relax and fall asleep. He stares at her until her breathing evens out. It takes him significantly longer to close his eyes and relax, but finally, he lets himself get drawn into sleep. He loves Hailey and she loves him. Everything else? They will figure it out.
Thanks for reading. Reviews? Let's chat about this episode! What are your predictions? I'm so anxious, I don't know if I will survive till Wednesday.