"Leaving?" Hermione repeated, half convinced she'd misheard. "Severus, what are you talking about?"
"Minerva's orders. She's sending the students home."
"But I'm not…"
"Not a student?" he finished for her. "Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm afraid you are."
Hermione had never felt less like a student than she did in that moment, naked in bed with… well yes, he was technically her professor, but that wasn't the point.
"I'm not like the other students. I'm older than any of them, I've fought on the front lines of a war, I've been through things…"
"I'm aware of that," he interrupted. "As I said, these are Minerva's orders, not mine."
"Well, did you argue? Did you tell her…"
"I saw no reason to state the obvious. She already knew you'd be less than pleased."
"You should've told her I'm staying!"
"She's been more than tolerant where you and I are concerned. As such, I'm hardly in any position to make further demands."
"You didn't want to. That's really what it is, isn't it? You didn't say anything because you'd rather see me gone!"
"Bloody hell…" Severus scowled, pushing himself into a sitting position. "I was nearly murdered last month. I just spent the afternoon extracting a dagger from a student's corpse. If you think I'd fight to keep you in such a dangerous environment…"
"Fine, then I'll tell her myself."
"Very well," he said. "If you insist on being selfish…"
"Selfish?!" How am I…"
"What do you imagine Minerva is doing right now?"
"What?" she said, thrown by the sudden shift.
"Answer my question."
"It's 9 PM, so I'm guessing she's in her office. I don't know how early she goes to bed, but…"
"She won't be sleeping tonight. Instead, she'll be arranging transportation for hundreds of students, contacting each of their parents to inform them that their children are coming home. Meanwhile, she'll have to deal with the victim's family, not to mention numerous Ministry officials who will soon be invading the school. The last thing she'll have time for is…"
He didn't need to finish. Hermione had already lowered her head, eyes brimming with tears.
"Hermione."
"What?"
"Look at me."
"No."
He hesitated, sighing heavily. "Perhaps 'selfish' was the wrong word. I only meant…"
"Could you do it?"
"Do what?"
"If she told you to leave and I was in danger…"
"That's different."
"How?"
"Because I'm perfectly capable of…"
"We're both capable of defending ourselves, but that doesn't mean we're invincible. When I think about what could happen, what nearly did happen in the Shrieking Shack and again last fall…"
"You-Know-Who was an exception," Severus said. "As for Ashwood… I would've found a way to stop him, just as I did with the snake."
"You can't know that."
"Perhaps not, though there's one thing I do know."
"What?" she said, doing her best to hide a sniffle.
"You leaving would be safer for us both."
"But…"
"Please," he said. "Just hear me out."
She did as he asked, finally understanding how he'd been able to fool Voldemort for so many years. His arguments were beyond persuasive, pinpointing the weakest spots in her defenses. He talked about his own safety rather than hers, pointing out things she hadn't fully considered.
"If you leave, I'd be the only remaining target."
"Yeah," she said, "that's what I'm afraid of."
"On the contrary, that's a good thing. I'd have twice the protection."
"You mean the whole staff…"
"Would be focused on me, yes. There'd be no need to divide our resources."
"I guess you're right."
He nodded. "I should also remind you that I've only been attacked when I was alone in my quarters. Since I'm no longer using them…"
That, too, was a valid point. These days, he only visited the dungeons to teach Potions, and even that wouldn't be necessary once the students were gone. He'd be safe in the Room of Requirement, especially if he stuck with Minerva's curfew.
Still, Hermione couldn't bear the thought of leaving. No matter how convincing he was, she knew there were no guarantees.
"What if something happens and I'm not here?"
"Then I'll at least have the comfort of knowing you're safe."
"Yeah, and I'll have to live with the guilt, wondering if I could've stopped it if I'd just…"
"Come here," he said, pulling her into his arms as she burst into tears. He stroked her hair with gentle fingers, murmuring words that sounded like an endearment. Something about a brave, foolish Gryffindor…
"I thought you hated Gryffindors."
"I either hate them or love them. There's no in between."
Turning to look for a handkerchief, she froze with her hand in midair. "Wait. Did you just…"
"Clearly, I don't hate you. Does that answer your question?"
She stared at him, caught off guard by the look in his eyes. There was an intensity she'd never seen there before, as if the darkest, most secretive part of him was suddenly laid bare.
"You… love me."
"Yes."
For once, she couldn't think of a single thing to say. She kissed him instead, her senses reeling as she shifted back onto his lap.
Thankfully, Severus seemed to understand, even if she couldn't put it into words. She moaned as he deepened the kiss, rubbing herself against his swiftly growing erection.
There was no buildup this time, no need to even remove any clothing. He slid his hands down over her hips, eliciting a gasp as her body stretched to accommodate him.
Nothing they'd ever done had been so intimate. He stared deep into her eyes, intense and mesmerizing, his breath mingling with hers as he moved inside her. Slow, so slow she could feel every inch of him, his arms tightening around her as he gradually picked up momentum. His heartbeat thrumming against her chest…
"Severus…" she whispered.
His hips grew still, his breath catching in his throat.
"I love you."
At last, his eyes fluttered closed. He made a peculiar sound, somewhere between a grunt and a sob, hips jerking erratically before his muscles went limp.
For a while, they stayed in that position, his arms wrapped tightly around her, his face buried in her hair. She was content to let him hold her, soothed by the rhythm of his heartbeat as it gradually returned to normal.
"Say it again."
"I love you," she repeated, surprised by how natural it felt.
"You're the first."
She shook her head. "I'm sure other people have loved…"
"You're the first who's ever said it."
Not even his own parents? She couldn't bring herself to ask, though the implication was clear. 39 years, and not a single person…
"Severus?"
Slowly, he lifted his head, his eyes meeting hers.
"I love you."
Really, it was amazing how three little words could have so much power. A single tear appeared at the corner of his eye, swiftly blinked away as he pressed his lips to her forehead.
"I love you, too."
Tired though she was, Hermione resisted the urge to fall asleep. She knew there was no predicting how long they'd be separated, determined to make the most of the time they had left.
Of course, it didn't have to be that way. She could still fight it, badgering both Severus and Minerva until they finally relented. Maybe if she told them…
"I know what you're thinking."
"What?"
"You're trying to come up with a convincing argument," he said. "One that will allow you to stay."
"I am not! I was thinking about… Quidditch."
"Quidditch? Since when have you given a damn about Quidditch?"
"Okay, fine," she said. "I just don't see why I should have to…"
"Hermione."
His voice was suddenly serious, deathly quiet, his eyes burning into hers as she lifted her head to look at him. He hesitated, sighing heavily before he spoke.
"You don't have to. I'm asking you to. Please do this… for me."
It wasn't just what he said. It was the way he said it. He sounded weary, drained, an inescapable reminder of the battles he'd fought and those that still awaited him. The stress, the trauma, the ever present fear…
All he was asking for was one less thing to worry about.
"Okay," she said quietly. "I'll do it."
He met her eyes, surprise mingled with relief. "Really?"
She nodded. "There's just one problem."
"What's that?"
"I don't have anywhere to go."
"Minerva has already taken care of that. You'll be staying with the Weasleys."
"What?!"
"Unfortunately, that's the best we can do given the short notice… unless, of course, you have a better idea."
"Maybe I could…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "No, I guess not."
Staying with the Weasleys…
If nothing else, she'd get to see Harry. She did miss him, unable to remember the last time they'd had a proper conversation. As for Ron and Molly… there wasn't much they could do now that she wasn't pregnant. The worst she could expect was a cold reception, which… well, that was nothing she couldn't handle.
"Do they know? Are they okay with it?"
"Ginevra wrote to Molly, I believe. I don't know what was said, but yes, they're expecting you."
Ginny? Hermione hadn't even talked to her since before Easter break, their paths rarely crossing since she'd been moved to the Room of Requirement. Of course, they saw each other in the classes they shared, though Ginny had chosen to keep her distance. Why? Hermione wasn't sure, though she was ready to find out.
"All right," she said. "I guess it won't be that bad."
They talked for hours after that, lying face to face in the darkness. She'd never felt closer to him, as if their looming separation had stripped away all defenses. He told her about his childhood, about Lily, even his time with the Death Eaters. Granted, he didn't go into too much detail about that, but it did give her a better understanding of what he'd been through.
"Do you still blame yourself?"
"For Lily?"
She nodded.
"I made terrible choices," he said. "I will always regret them, and I will never, ever attempt to excuse who I was back then. As for blaming myself… I suppose that feeling will never go away completely, though in truth, I wouldn't want it to. It proves…"
"That you're not evil?"
"Yes, and that I'm capable of learning from my mistakes."
"Have you forgiven yourself?"
"I didn't think that was possible. Not for a long time, decades…" He trailed off, mouth twisting into a slight grimace. "My loathing for myself… I didn't expect it to end until I drew my last breath. That was what was supposed to happen, what I felt I owed…"
"What changed that?"
"You did."
"Me?"
He nodded. "Showing up in the Shrieking Shack, fighting for my survival despite all my resistance…"
"You wanted to die," she said quietly.
"I thought I did. That night and for weeks after. I was so certain there was nothing left for me, that I'd already served my purpose."
"You were wrong."
"Yes," he said. "I suppose I was."
"What about Lily?"
He cocked an eyebrow. "What about her?"
"Do you still…" She trailed off, feeling flustered.
"I'll always care about her. Romantic feelings aside, she was my best friend, one of the few people who was genuinely kind to me. I… yes, I suppose I do love her, but not in the way you think. It has no bearing on my feelings for you."
"What about your Patronus? Harry said it was the same as…"
"Accio wand."
She'd never seen him cast a Patronus, mesmerized by the graceful movements as he twirled his wand. A silvery animal sprung from the tip, though not the one she'd expected.
"A panther?"
He nodded, his eyes fixed on the creature as it prowled around the room. "I don't know the symbolism, but…"
"Grace," she said. "Magic, protection, inner power. Something about… oh, that's right. The secrets of life and death."
"How did you…"
"Fifth year," she said. "I must've read 10 books about Patronuses."
"Of course you did," he said, smirking as he set his wand on the bedside table. "Even back then, reading was obviously your second favorite hobby."
She frowned. "What was the first?"
"Terrorizing your professors."
"I didn't terrorize…"
"You most certainly did. Do you remember…"
As strange as it was to reminisce, there was something healing about it, too. Her memories had softened with time and distance, helped by everything she knew about who Severus had been back then. Isolated. Miserable. Filled with remorse and self-loathing. Of course, that didn't excuse certain things, but it did make them easier to forgive.
Eventually, their talking subsided, his eyes drifting closed as she stroked his hair. She heard his breathing grow deeper, more even, smiling as she realized he'd fallen asleep.
"I love you," she whispered, though she knew he couldn't hear her. He was already in the land of dreams, his expression so peaceful it brought a lump to her throat.
Tomorrow…
No, she wouldn't think about that. Not yet.
Hermione woke to an empty bed, swallowing her disappointment along with the potion Severus had left for her. She gathered her things, taking a quick shower before she headed downstairs.
One look at Minerva and she could see what he'd been talking about. The headmistress looked exhausted, barking orders at students who were equally tired and anxious. Several Ministry officials were milling about, obviously doing their best to look useful.
"Hurry up, Mr. Brownell! The train leaves in half an hour!"
Soon enough, they were waiting at Hogsmeade station, students whispering among themselves as the train approached. Most of the staff were there to supervise, though Hermione hadn't seen…
"Ah," Minerva said. "There you are."
Severus scowled, jerking his thumb at a couple of third years who were scurrying away from him. "I found those two in the kitchens."
She nodded. "And the common rooms?"
"Thoroughly searched, along with the rest of the castle."
"Very good. Thank you, Severus."
He spun around, sending a jolt through Hermione's body as his eyes connected with hers. That was all he could manage, gazing at her for just the briefest second before he turned to Professor Flitwick.
"Hi."
She jumped, looking over her shoulder to find Ginny standing a few feet away. Her expression was difficult to read, caught somewhere between anxiety and nonchalance.
"Hi," she responded, hating the way her voice quavered.
"So you're coming to…"
"On the train, everyone!" Minerva called. "Get on board, and be quick about it! I don't have time to stand here all day."
Hermione did as instructed, passing through several cars before she found an empty compartment. She'd just gotten herself settled when…
"Mind if I sit here?"
Honestly? She did mind. She was about to be surrounded by Weasleys for weeks, maybe even months… couldn't she have this last little bit of time to herself?
"Not at all," she said, moving her bag to make room. Ginny plopped down, flashing her a tentative smile.
"How have you been? We haven't talked since…"
Since the night Ginny and the other Gryffindors had been attacked, the same night Hermione had accused her of sending anonymous notes, destroying her possessions…
"I'm sorry," she said abruptly. "Thinking you did those awful things… I should've known better."
"It's okay. I mean, I'm not saying that it didn't hurt, but things weren't exactly going well between us either. I was a bit pushy… I can see how you might've taken that the wrong way."
"The wrong way?" Hermione said. "What would've been the right way?"
"I guess that I…" Ginny trailed off, looking flustered. "That I did care. I just wasn't doing such a good job of showing it."
"You cared about what Ron wanted. You, your mum, and the rest of your family. That didn't have anything to do with me."
"You're wrong."
"Am I?" Hermione said. "Then why couldn't you…"
"Listen?"
"Yeah."
"You know, I've spent the past couple months trying to figure that out. I guess… well, I know this isn't an excuse, but I honestly believed all that stuff Mum was saying. She was so sure you'd be happy about it once you got used to the idea…"
"But why?" Hermione interrupted. "Why would she think that?"
"Because it was easier that way."
"What was?"
Ginny sighed, her expression wistful as she stared out the window. "She hasn't been the same since Fred… I guess none of us have, but Mum's taken it the worst. She was so desperate for something good to happen, something that could heal the family and bring us back together. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but…"
"No," Hermione said. "No, it does."
"We were so caught up in…"
"Wishful thinking?"
"Yeah, I guess you could call it that. Anyway, it was hard to see past it."
"What changed? I mean, why did you…"
"That letter you wrote to Mum," Ginny said. "You know, when you said you weren't sorry you'd lost it?"
Hermione nodded.
"I think that woke her up. She said if you'd ever wanted it, even a little, you wouldn't have felt that way."
"What did she say about that? Was she upset, or…"
"She was at first," Ginny said. "Some of the stuff she said… well, I'm not going to repeat it. Point is, none of us can force you to be something you're not. Loving people means accepting them for who they are."
"Wow. Thanks, Gin."
"That's what I told her, you know. Not just her, but Ron, too. Felt like I owed you that much… I really am sorry for the way I treated you."
"It's okay," Hermione said, realizing that she meant it. She felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, surprising Ginny with a huge hug.
For the rest of the journey, they chatted about other things, from idle gossip to speculating over what had been happening at Hogwarts. Hermione didn't even mind when Ginny went on and on about Quidditch, feeling more comfortable with her than she had since the end of the war.
Soon enough, they were pulling into King's Cross Station, her stomach tightening as she spotted a head of bright red hair. Ron…
"Harry!" Ginny squealed, her eyes bright with excitement as she sprung up from her seat. She was off the train in seconds, flinging herself into Harry's arms as Hermione followed at a more sedate pace.
"Hi."
"Hi," she said, resisting the urge to avoid Ron's eyes. He looked as nervous as she felt, not helped by the much more enthusiastic reunion that was happening beside them.
"Gin, please," he said, sounding pained. "It's a public place."
"Right. Let's go home."
Hermione settled herself on Ginny's bed, unfurling the scroll that had been waiting for her when she'd arrived at the Burrow. It was impossible to tell who had sent it, at least from the outside, though the handwriting within was unmistakable.
Did you find the potion I left for you this morning? If not, don't panic. I stashed an extra vial in your trunk just in case.
She smiled, retrieving a quill and fresh parchment from her bag.
Of course I found it. You left it right next to my wand.
I hope the Weasleys aren't giving you too much trouble, he'd written. If they are, let me know and I'll start looking for other arrangements.
It's going okay, at least so far, she wrote back. Ginny was really nice on the train. Still not sure about Ron or Molly, but…
She paused, startled by a knock at the door.
"Yeah?"
Ron pushed it open a few inches, peering at her through the crack. "You busy?"
"I was just…" She rolled up the letter, shoving it in her bag. "Not at all."
"Good," he said. "I was hoping we could talk."
This conversation needed to happen. She'd seen it in his eyes, countless questions and too many things left unsaid. Still, that didn't mean she was looking forward to it, the air suddenly thick with tension as he waited for her response.
"All right."
He nodded, sighing in relief as he sat down on the edge of the bed.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"All of it," he said. "Not listening. Not caring what you wanted…"
"It's okay, Ron. It's over now."
He shrugged. "Doesn't have to be."
"What do you mean?"
"If you wanted to try again… no, please don't interrupt. Just let me finish, all right?"
She wanted to stop him, knowing he was fighting for something that couldn't be saved. Then again, maybe that was what he needed. If he knew for sure that he had no other choice… well, maybe it would be easier to let go.
"I'm listening," she said quietly.
"If you want to try again… I promise it'll be different this time. I'll do it your way, I swear I will. You want to go off to university, wait to have a family? We'll do whatever you want."
"Ron…"
"Look, I know you don't trust me. I get it, okay? I was a prat, and I don't blame you for breaking up with me. But I can change, Hermione, I know I can. If you'll just…"
"Even if you could change," she interrupted, "you shouldn't have to. You deserve to have what you want just as much as I do."
"I want what you want," he said stubbornly.
"Do you really mean that?"
"Course I do."
"All right, then I'll tell you what I want. I want our friendship back. I want things to be like they used to be, before all this other stuff got in the way. I want to see you get married and start a family, and I want…"
"Do you love me?"
"No," she said gently. "Not like that."
"Then why did you say you did?"
"I didn't know…"
She hadn't known what it felt like to really be in love, though of course, she wasn't going to tell him that. Her relationship with Severus was still very much a secret, and besides, this wasn't about him. It had more to do with wishful thinking.
"I think I loved the idea of you."
He frowned. "What does that mean?"
"The way we grew up, how close we were, all the things we went through… I guess it was romantic to think of us ending up together, like it was somehow meant to be."
"That's how I felt, too. I always thought…"
"I know."
"But it was never really like that, was it?" he said, his expression thoughtful. "After we got together, there was always something that didn't quite…"
"Fit."
"Yeah," he said. "I could never figure out what it was."
"Reality."
"Reality?"
She nodded. "The arguments, the jealousy, all our differences… seems silly now, but I thought all that stuff was happening because we weren't together."
"Right," he said. "Like it would just go away if we admitted our feelings."
Finally, he got it. The shift in him was palpable, denial gradually giving way to acceptance.
"It doesn't have to be so hard, you know."
"What doesn't?"
"When you find the right person," she said, "it won't be such a struggle."
"How do you know?"
"I just… well, look at Harry and Ginny. Look at your parents, at Bill and Fleur. None of them have the change who they are to be with each other. It just…"
"Works," he finished for her.
"Exactly."
Of course, the same was true for her relationship with Severus. It was the opposite of the one she'd had with Ron, based on compatibility rather than years of wishful thinking. She never had to force… well, anything, really. It just felt right.
"Hey."
"Yeah?" she said.
"Wanna play chess?"
"Chess?"
He shrugged. "That's what friends do, right?"
No, she didn't want to play chess. She'd much rather curl up in bed, worn out after what had already been a very long day. Still, for the sake of friendship…
"Sure."
She felt a change between them as the hours passed, her body relaxing as they laughed and played. It was amazing, really. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so at ease with him, as if their ill-fated relationship had never even happened.
"So," she said when he finally got up to leave. "You really are okay with it?"
"Well, I can't say I'd mind one more shag…"
"Ron!"
He ducked the slap she aimed at his head, flashing her a cheeky grin.
"Night, 'Mione."
"Good night, Ron."
She waited for the door to close, chuckling to herself as she retrieved Severus's letter from her bag.