Disclaimer: I do not own DanMachi or any of Omori's original characters, nor do I make any profit off of my writing.

Sitting beneath the light of a desk lamp, a young girl rock backed and forth, her head cradled between her arms. Her long, ginger hair was splayed out across her back. The emptiness of the room filled only by her inane ramblings.

"I am gentle. I am calm. I am gentle. I am calm. I am gentl– "

The music blaring in the apartment directly beside her seemed to answer her call by doubling in volume, a raucous cheer joining it as the party kicked into even higher gear.

So what if she had finals tomorrow? Did her neighbors care? Of course not! Damn business students.

Lefiya took one more calming breath before deciding fuck it and storming out into the hallway. Her neighbor (one of the few she actually liked) was walking toward her. Recognizing the younger girl's furious expression, Alicia immediately turned back into her own room, shutting the door, and locking it.

For good measure, she dragged a chair from the kitchen and propped it beneath the knob. There was no need to start taking risks with her life. She planned to live a long time.

Standing in front of the white door, Lefiya glared murderously at the metallic '3E' that hung just above the peephole. That combination would forever be tainted by her neighbors. She'd miss out on all of the world's greatest pleasures. Bingo. Verbal chess. Excel spreadsheets. It was a true, honest to the gods tragedy. Right up there with the titanic, if you asked her.

With one deep breath (and a final 'I am gentle. I am calm.') Lefiya raised her hand and knocked.

The door never opened; her quiet knock drowned out wholly by Dev's 'Like a G6.'

Yet another ruined letter-number combination.

Lefiya decided right then and there that she would boldly do what she'd never done before. She would finally say goodbye to 'gentle' and farewell to 'calm.'

Her fist slammed into the wood repeatedly and the door swung open almost immediately. A cheer ripped out into the hallway as everybody raised their cups and Lefiya found herself desperately trying to not kick the man in front of her in the nards. Fucking Mord. Before she ever even got the chance to, he was already turning around and yelling out over the crowd. "Hey, everybody! Guess who it is! It's the She-Hulk!"

I beg your fucking pardon?

Forget kicking him, she was going to tear his testicles from between his legs and stuff them so far down his throat the world would finally get the answer to if babies come from the stomach.

Was it a good threat? No. Did it make sense? Probably not. Would she deliver? Absofruitly.

To make matters worse, Mord started speaking. Again. She really hated when he did that. "Hey, big guy." He smiled and spoke in a gentle voice. "Sun's getting real low."

Lefiya blinked. Her eyes flicking back and forth between Latro and the area around him, hopelessly searching for answers.

What is happening?

Ever so slowly, the large man raised his hand up in the air between them, his palm facing outward. Lefiya narrowed her eyes in suspicion, wondering what exactly he was playing at. Her eyes danced back toward his face, catching his ever-so-slight nod of approval. Slowly, tentatively, she reached out with her own hand, mirroring his movements because it was late, almost three in the morning, and what's the worst that could happen.

Before she could fully meet his hand, he turned his wrist around. His raised hand supinated, his palm now facing up toward the ceiling.

The loud party music in the background seemed to face away as she followed the movement. Yet, once again, just before her hand finally reached the same position, he moved. This time his entire arm shifted, his palm turning around once again as he placed it gently atop her forearm.

"Feeling better?"

Lefiya blinked, like a spell broken. "What?"

He repeated his question. "Are you feeling better?"

".. uhhh.. "

She turned her head to either side, trying to divine some answers as to what the shit just happened. Not finding the answers she was seeking, she went with the next best option. Retreat.

There was nothing wrong with a good quality tactical retreat, plenty of armies did it. It was smart. France did it all the time, so what if they got made fun of for it? Nobody else has the Eiffel Tower, so really who's winning?

Somewhere, deep in apartment '3D' Alicia stood in a dark corner, a broom bared out in front of her as one would a magic staff. She needed to be ready to protect herself. She loved Lefiya, she did. But that girl was scary. Honestly, she expected a lot of yelling, maybe a foghorn or two (the ones that were always pulled out whenever she started ranting), and then a fight.

Why was it so quiet?

The silence was far more unnerving than she'd ever thought possible.

Mord Latro stood silently in his doorway, his heart pounding in his chest as he let out a shaky breath. "I can't believe that worked. I can't believe that worked. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!"

A cheer rose up from behind him and he dove back into the party, all too happy to get absolutely hammered and forget the way he just stood in front of Lefiya fucking Viridis and Black Widow'd her terrifying ass.

Was it weird to think he was oddly turned on by that encounter? Maybe.

The next day, a certain white-haired novelist pulled into the apartment complex's parking lot and immediately began running through his past stories and how characters have gotten away with murder.

He was going to kill a man. He'd come to terms with that a long time ago. It was just a fact of life at this point. A man was going to die by his hand. Nothing was going to change that fact.

Honestly, he could probably find more than a few people who were willing to help him.

There was no reason for Bete to be taking up two fucking spots. Again. He drove the shittiest car Bell ever had the displeasure of laying his eyes on. So why? Why did he do this?

But, it would have to wait. Right now he needed to find a place to park and like any good Samaritan, he was going to do so on the street. He's seen some of the moves his neighbors had pulled (I'm looking at you Hyakinthos, you cunt) but he refused to park perpendicular to cars and block them in. That just wasn't who he was. Nope. He was a far kinder person to do something like that.

'Eat shit and die.'

Bell lifted the windshield wiper of Bete's rust bucket and casually slipped in his note, happily noting that his was joining three more.

Nodding to himself, he left without another word, ready to go sit in his apartment, play video games, and forget his worldly troubles.

A ding sounded from his pocket; one he knew all too well. Then again, it wasn't very difficult to identify from the others as it was the only one with a sound. Vibrate all the way, bitches.

Aiz: BEHIND YOU! Sent: 4:47 p.m.

Bell paused, glancing over his shoulder toward the smiling and waving face of Aiz Waldstein.

Now, Bell was an author. He knew a lot of tropes. The 'girl next door' was one he found to be completely ridiculous. There was simply no way those scenarios ever really occurred. He could happily say he still believed that now. Aiz lived two doors down. It was a perfect arrangement.

He returned her smile in kind, his eyes alight with joy at the sight of her. "Hey, Aiz! How are you?"

She kept her eyes on him as her thumbs danced across the screen of her phone.

Aiz: I'm doing really good :) you looked a little grumpy, are you okay? Sent: 4:48 p.m.

A mirthful chuckle escaped his throat as he read the text and nodded to her. He was definitely okay now; she always had that effect on him. "Yes, Aiz. I'm good, don't worry. I was a little annoyed when Bete double-parked again but it's alright."

There was another ding, all too quick for Aiz to not have started typing while he was still speaking.

Aiz: If we threw a stick over a cliff, do you think he'd follow it? Sent: 4:48 p.m.

He laughed. "Are you calling him a dog, Aiz?"

Aiz: A bitch, actually. Sent: 4:49 p.m.

The girl's golden eyes were alight with mischief and glee as Bell collapsed into all too familiar laughter. This girl was going to be the death of him, he swears. She was just too cute, there was no scientific explanation behind it. He was convinced there was at least some amount of divine intervention in her creation. Perhaps it wasn't a god directly, but somewhere along the line, they were definitely in there. He couldn't even really say which. Maybe they were Greek, maybe Roman. Celtic. Aztec. Chinese. Pagan. He had no idea, truly. He just knew that one of them had to be responsible for making this girl as perfect as she was.

He wiped a tear from his eye just as another ping! lit up his phone.

Aiz: I'm glad I could help you feel better :) Sent: 4:51 p.m.

Bell gave her a kind smile. "Me too, Aiz. Me too."

As the two pining (and entirely oblivious) young adults conversed a few floors down, Tione wanted to scream. Scratch that, she was going to scream.

She unceremoniously threw her bedroom door open, dove onto her queen-sized bed, pulled a pillow beneath her face, and let out one of the world's mightiest yells.

She couldn't escape it. She could never escape it. There was not one room, not one corner of this damnable apartment where she would ever be free of it.

Even through her screaming, she could still hear it.

The squeaking of the bed in the apartment above hers.

She wanted that! Why couldn't she be doing whatever those two were doing!

Curse her heart forever deciding to love that stupid, idiot, genius of a man. The people above her were probably having the time of their lives, meaningless sex with zero consequences. That's what it was all about. Not all of this stupid love shit. Eugh. Gross.

She swears if Finn doesn't ask her out soon, she was going to have an aneurysm.

So what if it was a little taboo? They couldn't be together just because he was her boss? Dumb. She spat in the face of adversity. She would fight God himself if it meant they could finally be together.

In answer, the creaking above her grew louder and more frantic. A throaty moan ripped through the thin walls and floors of the building in a horrible battle cry.

God was mocking her.

Lili made eye contact with her roommate. She hated the bitch, but at least they could see eye to eye on this one thing.

People who played soccer in their apartments deserved far worse than death.

She'd done her research. Hours of reading. She knew the best possible rules in the Geneva conventions to break when they took down their neighbors above them. It was going to be glorious. 'Going to be' being the key words. She wasn't ready yet.

The brown-haired girl resigned herself to slamming her ceiling with various objects for the time being. The Olympic athletes above her (they better damn well be if they're doing this shit all the time) responded with a few stomps of their own.

She loved them.

"Hestia! It's your turn to kick their shit in!"

"Fuck you!"

She loved Hestia too.

Ouka tapped his foot impatiently on the wooden floor of his flat as he stood in front of his two roommates. His large arms were crossed over his broad chest and he had a face that just screamed 'I'm pissed but I'm pretending I'm not.'

"Now, I'm sure you guys have noticed by now, but a serious crime has been committed inside this apartment."

Bell and Welf rolled their eyes. They had, in fact, noticed, but only because this was not the first time Ouka had brought this up. Nope. The actual 'crime' happened.. what was it? Two months ago? Two months seemed about right.

The mysterious disappearance of the five-dollar canned wine. How tragic.

"I just want you guys to know that I trust you fully, this talk isn't because I don't trust you, because I do. We just need to get to the bottom of this, together."

"Ouka, I will literally drive to the store and buy you another can if you just drop it. We didn't drink your wine an– "

The Japanese man cut him off with an aggressive hum. "Strange how you are so quick to say it wasn't you after I already said I trusted you."

".. "

".. "

"As I was saying, I will just go buy you a replacement."

"It's not about the wine, damnit! It's about the principle!"

Welf cursed under his breath. He knew he should have just gotten an apartment on his own. It was his own damn fault for not taking his father's offer to accept the company business. Had he just done that he could have avoided all of these headaches. He loved Ouka, don't get him wrong, they'd been friends for a long time, ever since the larger man had transferred into his middle school.

But if he was being honest, he has a bit of a secret. One that he dared never tell his childhood friend. One that he would take to his grave so it could never drive a wedge between them as he knew it would. It was of the utmost importance that word never got out. Ouka must never know. That secret?

It's that he doesn't fucking care about the thrice-damned wine! Who does! Why should he? It was a five-dollar can. It couldn't even have been remotely good! If you're going to buy alcohol for five dollars at least get something that'll make sure you get drunk.

The redhead was fairly certain the only reason Ouka cared so much was that he'd (apparently) wanted to drink it with Chigusa. He'd bought two of them, after all. Chigusa just laughed it off, Welf was willing to bet she wouldn't have wanted to drink it either way. As he said earlier, it was probably nasty as shit. Seriously. Five-dollar wine? Why? Just why?

As time drew on, Chigusa even joined in on Bell and Welf's little laugh sesh whenever they remembered the whole thing. Ouka really just blew it way out of proportion.

Like right now.

"Alright! If it wasn't either of you, which I never thought it was, remember I trust you both implicitly. But, if it absolutely wasn't you guys, which I know it wasn't. Then it had to be one of our neighbors. Which means, get this guys, that somebody broke into our apartment and stole my wine! Obviously, they were trying to cover their tracks and only took one an– "

Welf's face fell into his hands as Bell cut the man off. "Hole the fuck on, Ouka. Do you seriously and I mean seriously think that somebody broke into our apartment and stole one fucking can of wine?"

"Uhh.. yeah? Obviously, it wasn't either of you– "

Death would be a mercy at this point.

" –and I don't find it hard to believe that somebody would want it. Half these people are drunks anyway and Mord lives just one floor up."

Bell bit back a retort, instead taking the time to breathe as he took stock of the room around them. PS5. Television. Another television. Get this, another television. Sure, they had no idea how to work the last one because it was a European model they found on the street and the plug is seven different kinds of wonky. And yeah, the second TV was covered in dinosaur stickers (they glew in the dark and it was free, bite him). Regardless, they were still TVs.

Moving past all that, there was a printer sitting on the floor beside the table. Then, naturally, they've got the Nintendo Switch sitting on top of the entertainment station.

If you went further into the apartment there was Bell's own desktop computer, one more door down in Ouka's room was another computer. Welf had his Xbox and TV set up in his own bedroom and why, just why would somebody rob them and take none of that? That isn't even considering Bell's dinosaur pop-up book. Shit was dope as hell. Any criminal worth their salt wouldn't waste the opportunity to nab that thing. Yet it was still there.

There was no way they were robbed.

It just wasn't possible.

Another month passed before Ouka gave in and destroyed the last of the evidence of the crime, namely the remaining can. All of their closest friends were gathered for some drinks and a movie and he just couldn't go without tasting his obviously delicious wine.

Bell tried it. It was just as bad as he imagined, maybe even worse. He made sure to hold it outside of Aiz's reach before she could get a hold of it to try. She didn't deserve that. Also, her face was always really cute whenever she got angry and had to type away on her screen to yell at him.

Author Notes:

Author-san is going on a little bit of a breaky-break. Won't be posting until mid-December most likely, peace out girlscouts!