walk steady on this cruel world's path

By: Aviantei

Part Twenty-Six:

Interlude: "I Only Want What I Can't Have II"

Picking out a new barrette for Rairi turns out to be more challenging than he expected. Not because there aren't options, but because it's difficult to find a design that suits them. Sure, like they said, the one that got broken was old and cheap, and maybe they'd be happy with something of the same quality, so long as it works—but Kaigaku already said this was going to be a makeup birthday present, so there's no way he's just going to pick out the first thing he finds and send it on its way.

Lucky enough for him, the closest town happens to have a decent enough array of accessory shops, and it feels like he's scoured through them all when it finds it. The base color is a pale lilac (and as much as Kaigaku hates the stupid matching haori, he admits that the color suits Rairi well), and there are cobalt blue stones embedded in it in a subtle but still attractive pattern. The shade, as it were, happens to match the color of the cord for his choker, and that's more than enough for Kaigaku to purchase the thing then and there, despite the price being a bit higher than expected.

This is Kaigaku, who once stole handfuls of coins from the temple in desperation, who spent no more than a mere fraction of the pocket money that Sensei gave him, who still buys the cheapest food and lodgings he can find even with his plentiful Kanoe stipend, and he just dumped half his savings on some barrette that Rairi did not ask him to go out of his way to get. But he doesn't regret it, because Rairi deserves something nice, and the idea of them breaking out in a smile when they see it and clipping it on as a little reminder of him are more than enough for him to send Momo back towards the Wisteria House they both just came from, and Kaigaku catches himself grinning even after the crow gives him an all too amused look and flies off.

Kaigaku was not wrong. Feelings are the worst. Now that he's acknowledged the damn things, they invade his thoughts at every opportunity. Rairi with the barrette he got them, Rairi still wearing his choker around their neck, Rairi with their hair down in the morning sunlight. Oh, he can handle his missions well enough, his well-refined survival instincts keeping him on track, but otherwise anything seems to be fair game—and not all his fantasies are innocent. The way Rairi's writing has relaxed a little in their letters just serves to help his traitorous thoughts, though it takes Kaigaku another couple of months before he at last sends a response, and that's halfway because Tadashi snatches the thing away from Kaigaku before he can crumble it up into a ball like the others.

I made Tsuchinoto. Thanks for the gift. It's a stupid short letter, but Rairi replies anyways, congratulating him on his rank up, mentioning that they thought he'd appreciate a travel katana maintenance kit because it's practical, and then talking about the usual things. Rairi asks him questions—What was your last mission like? Travel anywhere interesting lately? Why is it that no other peach tastes as good as the ones in the orchard back home?—and sending replies becomes easier, since he now has a clue of what to talk about.

(The letters from Zenitsu still remain unanswered.)

Kaigaku looks forward to Rairi's messages, even when they mention being assigned on regular missions with the Urokodaki girl. His work goes well, too, and he's pretty sure if he pushes it, he can reach Tsuchinoe soon. He's wandering through a market, trying to find something he feels like eating (and, even after these past couple of years, it's still almost funny, how he can pick and choose now, instead of treating whatever scraps he can get his hands on like a feast) when both Tadashi and Zenitsu's stupid sparrow that he's never learned the name of both reach him—and the smaller bird puffs up in indignation when Kaigaku makes a point of reading Rairi's letter first.

"What the hell?!"

A mission with a Hashira, the Lower Moon One, the Upper Moon Three. If it weren't for the shape of Rairi's familiar script, Kaigaku would be convinced that this is where the message reaches him, the moment where he learns that they're dead. But Rairi just reports their injuries: extensive, yes, but not enough to pull them into retirement from the Corps. Kaigaku's half convinced this letter is some sort of joke—but Zenitsu's says the same thing, and there's no way the brat would ever think about lying about this. Both Kaigaku's fellow apprentices were in the vicinity of two of the Twelve Kizuki, Rairi did charge at the Upper Moon Three, Rairi is still alive after that.

Kaigaku forgets all about tracking down some damn lunch and finds the nearest flat surface to spread the letters out on and stare down the characters, like that'll change the contents. Rairi mentions that they're recovering at Butterfly Manor under the care of the Insect Hashira—and Kaigaku tries to calculate the distance, wonders if it's possible to make it there before the Corps sends him on another mission. It's a low as fuck possibility—and Kaigaku consoles himself with the fact that Zenitsu's there, too, and putting up with that after a near half a year of freedom from his whining would be awful, does he want to deal with that again? Even if it means seeing Rairi, confirming that they're okay with his own eyes?

The answer is yes, because Kaigaku's damn sure he'll put up with almost anything for Rairi, and the realization makes him groan.

Feelings. The worst.

He rereads Rairi's letter one more time, reminding himself that dead people can't write about their encounters with beyond powerful demons, and he's about to hunt down Momo to get her to take him to Butterfly Manor when the crow herself swoops in, squawking about some mission to the south, and the news is both a disappointment—because there goes his plans—and a relief—because he doesn't have to make the decision himself. He buys some onigiri from the closest possible vendor, follows Momo, and resolves to at least send a response once he gets settled.

Joint missions become much more frequent as the time passes, and Kaigaku leaves most of his "help" in the dust. Oh, sure, most of them don't get in the way, per say, but they're obnoxious to tolerate with their bitching and complaints. If they can't keep up, that's their problem, not his.

You would think, what with the whole fighting demons thing going on, that people wouldn't waste their time on rumors—but, nope, the Demon Slayer Corps enjoys gossip just as much as anyone else, and the Kasugai Crows running their beaks doesn't help, either. It doesn't surprise Kaigaku in the damn slightest that people talk shit about him behind his back, but they're not even worth his time to acknowledge. If they have something to say, they can say it to his face.

What does end up surprising Kaigaku is what he hears that Zenitsu does about it. Punching someone in the middle of a mission—and who the hell does that scum think he is? Kaigaku didn't fucking ask for his help, and now this thing is a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

So of course Zenitsu shows up as Kaigaku's backup on his next mission as the pièce de résistance on this whole shitshow.

"I heard you hit a higher-ranking guy?" Kaigaku says through a scowl, not even bothering with a greeting. Zenitsu looks at him with that pathetic expression, his mouth opening, but Kaigaku cuts him off. "Don't cause problems. It's embarrassing that you're even here, so learn your damn place already!" The one saving grace in this situation is that it's already nightfall by the time they arrive to their mission location, so Kaigaku pulls rank and makes them split up to scout the area. Maybe, if he's lucky, the demon will take Zenitsu out, and he'll never have to deal with this nonsense again.

(Except Kaigaku knows that's not what he wants, and, even if it were, Rairi would never forgive him if he let Zenitsu die on purpose.)

That concern ends up being a non-issue, because in the time since Kaigaku left for Final Selection and refused to let himself look back, Zenitsu has managed to become competent. He doesn't cry, doesn't run away—he even manages to help corner the demon, though Kaigaku's the one that scores the kill. Instead of being a blubbering mess like Kaigaku thought he would be, Zenitsu is almost serene as he claps his hands in prayer for the demon's soul, and then his face breaks out into a bright smile. "Aniki—"

"Don't go getting cocky," Kaigaku says, not wanting to hear whatever shitty, asinine thing that's about to come out of Zenitsu's mouth. Just like always, the brat flinches at the slightest sign of aggression. "You think just because you've managed to stay alive this long you're worth anything? You still haven't figured out any of the other forms, I see." Which, in contrast, Kaigaku still hasn't been able to figure out the Hekireki Issen, either, but he still knows more than Zenitsu, and that's what matters. "I'm still not accepting you as one of Sensei's successors, and I sure as hell don't need you to fucking defend me—"

"Oh, knock it off!" Zenitsu shouts, and Kaigaku wonders when the hell this loser grew enough of a goddamn backbone to shout back without Rairi's help. How many months has it been since they were in the same place, since Kaigaku last yelled at Zenitsu? "I'm not the only one who stood up for you—Senpai did, too! And you know why?" Kaigaku opens his mouth to throw back a comment about how he doesn't need either of their goddamn pity, but Zenitsu's already talking over him. "Because you're our family! Senpai and Jī-chan don't think any less of me because I can just use the Hekireki Issen, and none of us think less of you because you can't. You're the one that's always picking a fight, trying to make problems where there aren't any. And I get it! You get so scared that you don't know what else to do. But I'm not just going to sit here and let you take it out on me anymore, Aniki!"

Kaigaku hisses, which turns into a growl, which turns into a roar of, "All of you, playing nice whenever it makes you feel good, just like always—!"

Zenitsu's glare cuts him off, those eyes Kaigaku remembers as always soft and watery narrowed into dangerous golden slits. "I can understand why you think I'm not serious, and maybe even Jī-chan," he says, anger boiling in his tone, "but don't you dare act like Senpai doesn't give a damn about you." Zenitsu steps closer, and Kaigaku has to resist the urge to put his hand on the hilt of his sword, because there's no way this little brat intimidates him. "Do you have any idea what they sounded like when they heard what that guy said about you? He said you could die, and Senpai was terrified by the idea—and after that they were so angry that the only reason they didn't tear him to shreds was because they had to think about their position as leader. And—what a surprise—they didn't even have to look good in front of you!" Zenitsu throws his hands into the air, his haori sleeves fluttering. "Senpai cares about you, Aniki, and you'd be a lot happier if you'd just get it through your head already that we're not your enemies!"

There are so many things Kaigaku should be saying back to that—telling Zenitsu off for starters—but he just can't do it. He's too busy thinking of Rairi, the fact that they were upset by the idea of him dying, that they care enough to stand up for him, and he knows, he knows it's because he's their kōhai and not because they have any romantic feelings for him, but damn if it doesn't feel nice to imagine for just a moment.

"Oh," Zenitsu whispers, a look of realization accented by horror coming over his face, and Kaigaku wonders what the hell he's talking about before it hits him that they've just been having a conversation about Zenitsu's preternatural ability to hear people's feelings. "Oh. Aniki—"

It takes every bit of Kaigaku's already fraying patience not to strangle the brat. "Don't you even think about saying a damn thing—"

"Of course not, of course not! That's your business; I would never—" And gone is the confident Zenitsu that stared down a demon without flinching, a blushing, stammering mess in his place. Unlike Kaigaku, Zenitsu's been lovestruck by Rairi since all the way back in their apprentice days, so it's no surprise he seems like he wants to combust at the realization. Zenitsu grimaces a little, wringing his hands together. "But, um, Aniki, you know, Senpai—"

"Didn't you just say you wouldn't go off talking about other people's business?" Kaigaku asks, because he doesn't need to hear it from Zenitsu of all people. Though it's not going to help anything in the long run, Kaigaku's content to pretend like Urokodaki Shimizu doesn't exist. Zenitsu, chastened, nods, though he still looks flustered. "We're never talking about this again, so forget you ever heard anything. Got it?"

Zenitsu's mouth opens, closes, and at last opens again to words. "Okay. But—I mean it, Aniki. We all care about you, but it's hard when you won't let us show it without a fight. If you keep that up, you're never going to be satisfied, so just…" He sighs. "I'm worried about you, and so are Jī-chan and Senpai. That's all."

Kaigaku breathes in deep and lets it all out in a half-growling puff of air. "If I agree to start answering your letters," he says, grasping, fumbling for anything that will make this conversation end, "will you stop talking?"

Zenitsu thinks that over for a moment, but, after a few beats, his eyes light up. "Are you serious, Aniki? You mean it?!"

"I'm not gonna do it if you don't shut up!"

The smile that breaks out on Zenitsu's face all but hurts to look at, and Kaigaku grimaces and pushes away the hug he does not want in any way shape or form.

Gods, feelings are such fucking bullshit.

"Kaigaku, you're still here, thank fuck—"

Rairi's the one that asked Kaigaku to come to Headquarters to help with their mentorship program, so he doesn't know why they sound so surprised to see him in the hallway near his guest room—but then he sees their face, which is panicked, rather than their usual sereneness, and Kaigaku has to swallow down the urge to go punch whoever caused such a reaction in them. He can feel a muscle in his neck already twitching, but he manages to get out, "Of course I am. Where the hell did you expect me to go?"

"I didn't know. If you already went to eat or not." Well, Kaigaku was about to go take advantage of Headquarters' rumored extravagant dinner options, but he hasn't yet, so he just shakes his head. Rairi sighs in relief, their expression shifting to one of determination as they drop both their hands onto Kaigaku's shoulders, and he does not gulp at their sudden closeness, he does not. "I need you to come with me, then."

If Kaigaku's being honest, having Rairi trounce him again in sparring has just added an extra layer of want on top of everything else he feels for them, so that simple little request sends his brain flying off in directions it does not need to go. "Come with you where? What are you so worried about?" What could be going on that's making Rairi of all people lose their cool?

"Because I got invited to dinner with the Hashira, and I can't do it by myself!" That was in no way the response Kaigaku was expecting, and his mouth just kind of hangs open. "Please, be my backup. If you're there, too, there's no way that they'll murder me."

"Murder you? What are you even talking about?"

"I wrote to you about it, right? That I ended up running my mouth in front of Oyakata-sama?" Yes, that did happen, Kaigaku recalls, skimming over the half-memorized contents of Rairi's letters in his mind. "You've had to have heard about how the Hashira are—at least one of them has to be pissed at me for that, still! Besides, you know me. There's no way I can make it through an entire dinner without saying something stupid." While Rairi sounds distressed, Kaigaku likes that about them, the way they don't bother to hold back what they're thinking. Their hands squeeze once against his shoulders. "Please, please come with me, Kaigaku."

Rairi's the one asking, not to mention dinner with the active Hashira is an opportunity he can't pass up—becoming a Tsuguko would help Kaigaku's succession chances for one—but the idea of who could be there is enough to make him pause.

(Somehow, at the end of everything at the temple, Kaigaku and Gyōmei-nii—Himejima—the Stone Hashira both found their ways into the same organization, though Kaigaku's made damn sure they've never crossed paths.)

"Who all's coming?" he asks, managing to keep the tremble out of his voice. Rairi lists off a handful of names that Kaigaku recognizes, but none of them are his, and Kaigaku represses his sigh of relief. "Don't look so worried. I came here to help you, remember? If you want me to come along, I will."

At last, Rairi smiles again, back to their usual relaxed demeanor, and Kaigaku's starting to wonder just how he's going to survive a whole night next to them while they're just that wonderful and tempting without even trying.

Focus. Breathe. Priorities.

"If we're meeting with the Hashira, we don't want to be late," Kaigaku says, patting Rairi's forearm and wishing he could just grab onto their hand. "Let's get going."

Rairi seems to come back to their senses, releasing Kaigaku's shoulders (at last? Too soon?) and nodding. "Yeah. I think I know where we need to go. Rengoku-san said it wasn't too far from the dining hall." They step back and wave for him to follow. "And thanks, Kaigaku. For helping when I need it."

That smile they give just makes Kaigaku's chest all the warmer. "Not a problem, Rairi-senpai."

There may just be four of the nine active Hashira assembled, but Kaigaku's still in awe of their presence. It seems that Rairi's already met three of them—Flame Hashira Rengoku Kyōjurō, Insect Hashira Kochō Shinobu, and Love Hashira Kanroji Mitsuri. The exception to Rairi's social circle is Sound Hashira Uzui Tengen, whose appearance stands out even amongst his colleagues: white hair held back by a gem adorned headband, a red flower design that could be a tattoo or makeup surrounding his left eye, and large, shining bangles around his exposed biceps that just look extra impressive thanks to the man's height and muscle. Kaigaku eyes the golden buttons adorning the front of the Hashira's uniforms and swears he'll have them on his own someday.

Despite Rairi's earlier panic, there's no real sense of animosity at the table as they all work their way through the spread of food. The Hashira have a private room for gatherings like this, and the Headquarters' kitchen staff brings whatever they ask for. It's almost too much luxury for Kaigaku to process, but it's not like he's going to waste food, either. Kaigaku eats and listens to the chattering that's going on around him, and it doesn't seem like too unusual of a meal until Uzui calls for some sake, and then the next thing Kaigaku knows there's a full choko cup in front of him, just like most of the others at the table.

"Eh? Is this okay?" Rairi asks, staring down the choko in front of them.

Uzui just laughs. "You two have figured out at least the basics of Total Concentration: Constant, right? If you can do that much, a little drink won't hurt."

Kaigaku's never been all that interested in alcohol (anything that can even impact his ability to survive the slightest amount is something he'd rather not deal with), but he won't deny that he's a bit curious—plus he's not about to show disrespect to any of the Hashira by refusing the drink. So he takes a tentative sip, the strong flavor filling his mouth, and Rairi beside him does the same, them pulling a face but nursing the cup nonetheless while chatting with Kanroji to their side.

"You've been rather quiet, Kaigaku, my boy," Rengoku says, just as loud and boisterous as Rairi described him to be. "You don't need to be shy. We Hashira aren't all that different from you all."

Shy is not a word that Kaigaku has ever applied to himself—not to mention that the idea that the Hashira are anything close to normal is ridiculous. That assessment is even more unbelievable when Rengoku's the one who's saying it, the man who was responsible for the defeat of the Upper Moon Three, the man who made sure that everyone on the Mugen Train survived.

"With all due respect, Rengoku-sama," Kaigaku says, "I find that a little hard to believe." Rengoku blinks, and Kaigaku glances to Rairi, who's snickering over something or another Kanroji has said, a happy flush on their cheeks. "You're the first Hashira to defeat an Upper Moon in over a century. And if you didn't, then…" The thought of what could have happened opens an awful and crawling feeling in Kaigaku's gut that has nothing to do with what he's had for dinner. "Thank you, Rengoku-sama. For keeping Rairi-senpai safe. For making sure they came back alive."

The words of gratitude feel stiff on his tongue, but Kaigaku hopes that his sincerity comes across regardless. Rengoku's expression softens a bit, looking a little bit more subdued than Kaigaku's seen him this whole evening. "No. I'm the one that should be thanking Rairi. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have come back alive, either." Rengoku shakes his head. "Ah, it's no good for a Hashira to say things like that. Regardless, you have a good senpai, Kaigaku, my boy."

Kaigaku sips at this drink, thinking of the way Rairi still believes in him, even after everything he's done. "Yes. The best." Recognizing the opportunity that comes with who he's talking to, Kaigaku asks, "Can you tell me about it, Rengoku-sama? About what it was like whenever you became a Hashira?"

Rengoku looks pleased enough by that response, picking up the conversation and refilling Kaigaku's choko once it's empty. If it weren't rude to refuse, Kaigaku wouldn't drink so he could ensure he'll remember everything that Rengoku's telling him, but at least he's only had a few servings, and he just feels lightheaded instead of incapacitated as the night drags on.

"Goodness, Kanroji-san," Kochō says at some point, the voice of reason who hasn't touched a drop of alcohol this whole time, "perhaps you should slow down on giving Rairi-san refills. You seem to have forgotten that not everyone has as high of a tolerance as you."

Kanroji blinks, not looking any worse for wear despite the fact that there are at least three empty tokkuri flasks sitting around her. "Whoops!" she says, pulling back halfway towards filling up Rairi's choko once more. "Sorry, Rairi-san. I got a little ahead of myself."

"'S fine," Rairi says, bursting out into giggles for some reason. Rengoku's smile doesn't slip in the slightest, and Uzui outright laughs. "I feel fine. Don' worry about it, Kanroji-san." Except they're slurring over every other word, and their face is flushed to a deep red over the usual pink tint—so, no, they're not fine, but drunk.

Kaigaku looks around and finds the jug of water that ended up on the table at some point or another, managing to pour Rairi a glass. "Just slow down a bit, Rairi-senpai. Drink this, okay?"

Rairi's fingers almost slip, but they manage to take the water, downing half the cup in one go. If they were throwing back the sake like that, it's no wonder they're this out of it. Their eyes end up landing on Kaigaku, a grin forming on their face, and he doesn't have any time to process what's going on before Rairi's put down the cup and grabbed onto Kaigaku's arm, pulling him over, and how has he not passed out already with them that close?

"You're a great kōhai, Kaigaku," Rairi says, sounding giddy. "Helpin' out with my program. Lookin' out for me." They laugh again, turning to the others. "He's suuuper good at what he does, ya know? Started out not even a half a year ago, an' he's already a Hinoto. I'm proud of you, okay? Don't you forget it."

Kaigaku's heard Rairi say that before, but such a public declaration is more than a bit embarrassing. "Yes, I know, Rairi-senpai, you don't need to—"

"Huh? 'f course I do." Rairi lets go of Kaigaku's arm, but he's had no time at all to right himself back on his seat cushion before they've dropped their arms around his neck, Rairi's head bouncing against his shoulder. Kaigaku chokes on whatever he was about to say. "You're just doing so amazing." They look to Kanroji, who's failing at suppressing a giggle. "Kaigaku acts all angry all the time, but he's kinda nice. He got me this pretty barrette for my birthday, see?" They pull their braid over their shoulder, the cobalt blue gemstones catching the light before the accessory tumbles out of their grasp. Rairi pouts a bit at it before looking back to Kaigaku, their face far too close to his. "I never thanked you enoug for that, huh? I mean, I wrote a thank you note, an' I got you a gift, too, but I love it."

"It's okay, you don't—"

"Maybe, but I wanna." Rairi tilts their head a moment before their mouth forms into a smile—and then they've planted their lips against his cheek. Kaigaku was already panicking, but that makes it all the more obvious, and he can't even register the fact of the others in the room watching, not whenever Rairi giggles like that. "You're super adorable when you blush. I bet if you smile a little, you'd look even more handsome."

And there goes any remaining fraction of Kaigaku's ability to form words. He thought he was done for earlier whenever Rairi had their sword at his neck and gave him that unrelenting glare, but hearing them compliment his looks in reality instead of his imagination is just overwhelming—and maybe it's a good thing there's an audience, because if not Kaigaku might throw everything to the goddamn wind and kiss Rairi right there, just to feel their mouth on his.

"Rairi-san," Kochō says, catching Rairi's attention for a moment. ("Don't be a spoil sport," Uzui slurs, but his protests go ignored.) "I'd recommend that you at least eat a little bit more." She holds out a plate with a few servings of nothing that requires chopsticks to eat, and Kaigaku rushes to grab it, putting it down in front of Rairi's abandoned spot. "I promise you'll appreciate it if you do."

Rairi blinks at the food, one of their arms pulling away from Kaigaku's shoulders to pick up a piece of tempura. "Mmhmm, Kochō-san," they say, nibbling through the morsel but not moving back into their seat. Kaigaku tries to urge Rairi back in that direction, but they just flop back against his side again, so that's a losing battle. "This is pretty good." Rairi picks up another piece of tempura and glances up to him, offering out the food like they expect him to eat it from their fingers. "Hey, Kaigaku, you want some?"

Is this just hell? Karma for giving Zenitsu shit all these years? Fuck—

Rairi doesn't let go of Kaigaku from that point onward. Somehow, he manages to survive all the way until Uzui, Kanroji, and Rengoku have exhausted themselves, the three of them dozing off in their seats, and Rairi's half asleep on Kaigaku's shoulder. Kochō stands up first, clapping her hands together as if signaling that the show's over.

"Well, that's enough for the evening. I trust that you can get Rairi-san back to their room safe, Kaigaku-kun," she says with that unsettling little smile of hers. Kaigaku knows how to recognize people who are faking it, and whatever dark and ugly thing Kochō's got boiling underneath the surface is there in spades. But for now, she seems genuine enough, so Kaigaku doesn't bother to call her out on it—and considering talking shit to a Hashira is a thought he's having because the alcohol seems to have lowered his well-crafted self-preservation instinct. Remind him to never touch a hard drink ever fucking again, and that goes double for when in the presence of his superiors. "I'm pretty sure that your guest rooms are next to each other, yes?"

Kaigaku nods. He's nowhere close to his best, but he can manage that much navigation. "Don't worry about it, Kochō-sama. I'll take care of Rairi-senpai."

"Oh, yes, I'm sure." There's some sort of sparkle in those violet eyes of hers that Kaigaku can't quite read through the fuzziness in his head and the distraction of Rairi hanging off his shoulders. Kochō reaches into her uniform pocket and pulls out two small paper packets. When she offers them to Kaigaku, all he can do is accept, though his face must reflect his confusion, because Kochō says, "Medicine. To help with the hangover. Take a dose with water in the morning, and you two should be fine."

"Thanks," Kaigaku says, tucking the packets in his own pocket. This may have been his first time indulging, but he's watched plenty of people in the slums try to drown their sorrow in stolen drink before, which means he knows that the morning after isn't always a pretty experience.

"Well, of course," Kochō says with a cheer so faked that Kaigaku can taste it, even in his current state. "You two got dragged into this because of the others' antics, so you shouldn't pay for it. Not to mention that Rairi-san is working hard on this new program for us; it makes perfect sense to take care of them." And then, faster than Kaigaku can follow, even if he were at full capacity, Kochō is in his face, her voice a whisper. "If you end up needing other medicine in the morning, do come to me. I'll be discreet." Kaigaku's not tracking, but Kochō's glossed lips turn into something a little closer to a smirk. "I understand that Rairi-san isn't a woman, but I've given them medical care before, so I know what's possible for them from a biological standpoint. Having a child isn't something that's easy in the Corps, you know."

Kaigaku was already flushed from the drunkenness, but Kochō's frank statement sets his entire face and neck boiling. "That's—We're not—" Yes, he wishes they were, and, yes, Rairi's been complimenting him all night, and, yes, Rairi's glued to his side right now, but that's because of the alcohol, and, as much as he would like to, doing it now when they're not even in a sound mind is more than enough of a damper to quell the desire that's been festering in him for the past half a year. "I wouldn't. Take advantage of them like that." Because no matter how much Kaigaku wants, Rairi deserves better, and they'd murder him in the morning anyways if he even suggested such a thing.

"My, my, I do apologize for assuming about your relationship," Kochō says, not sounding the least bit apologetic. Bitch, Kaigaku thinks but doesn't dare voice. Kochō looks over Rairi once more, who's dozing off, their head nodding against Kaigaku's shoulder, and he brushes a loose frizz of hair out of their face before he even thinks to stop himself. "That said, I do note that some people find keeping themselves under control difficult while intoxicated. Alcohol does lower your inhibitions, you know, and sometimes people's true feelings come spilling out." Kaigaku can't help but wonder how much trouble he would get in if he just…murdered Kochō Shinobu right here. As satisfying as the fantasy is, though, he knows he's not strong enough to defeat a Hashira just yet, and even less so while she's sober and he's tipsy, so he clenches his fists in his lap and waits for this godawful conversation to be over with. "Well, if anything does happen at any point, do feel free to ask me for help, Kaigaku-kun. Good night."

And then Kochō's gone with all the grace of a butterfly the pattern on her haori suggests, and Kaigaku punches the cushion beneath him. When that isn't enough, he punches the tatami itself, not even caring that his knuckles almost split and for sure bruise. He focuses on the pain, focuses on anything but Rairi's cheek pressed into his shoulder, on how vulnerable they are, on how much he fucking wants them in every way possible. In time, his head cools while the other Hashira snore, and Kaigaku exhales, shaking Rairi's shoulder as they blink open their eyes.

"Come on, Rairi-senpai. Let's get you to bed."

Kaigaku thought that having Rairi walk back themself would be better than piggybacking them and having to feel their body pressed against his back again, but this is just as bad. Rairi can't even get a few paces without stumbling, so Kaigaku has to support them all the way back to the hall with the guest rooms. Kaigaku's hand is pressed against their side, Rairi's arm is over his shoulder, and they keep nuzzling against his cheek whenever they get the chance.

Alcohol does lower your inhibitions, you know, and sometimes people's true feelings come spilling out, Kochō's perfect, maddening voice whispers in his head, and it takes everything Kaigaku has to not just start screaming in the hallway.

Is this how Rairi feels about him? This affection, this insistence on being close to him? Has he been reading the situation all wrong with Urokodaki? No, no, that's not possible; even Zenitsu seems to understand what's going on there. But is there a chance that Urokodaki isn't the only one, that Rairi maybe looks at him like that, too, and he just hasn't been able to see it? He doesn't want to assume, but he can't help but imagine.

"Kaigaku," Rairi says, still halfway slurring over the word. It doesn't matter; them calling his name so close still sends electricity coursing through his veins, even with syllables muddied. "Tired…"

"I know, I know," he says, half-distracted as he turns them down the hall that has their rooms in it. "We're almost there. Just a few more meters, Rairi-senpai."

"Mmkay."

Kaigaku gets the door open, and the miraculous hired help of Headquarters has already laid out the bedding, which is one less thing that Kaigaku has to deal with. Kaigaku gets Rairi into the futon without them falling face first, so that's another victory. They seem to realize that they're going to bed, and they manage to pull off their haori and shrug off their Corps jacket, albeit after a few tries at the buttons first. Kaigaku's worried that they're going to pull off their undershirt next, but they don't, instead trying to fold their discarded garments. Their otherwise graceful fingers bumble it, though, so Kaigaku pulls the fabric from their hands and does a good enough job, even on the stupid haori, and he stacks them on the floor next to where Rairi puts down their sword, right within reach. While he was working on that, Rairi's pulled the barrette from their hair, and their braid's halfway unraveled. Yawning and still looking flushed, Rairi drops down to their pillow with a sigh of relief and drooping eyes, and Kaigaku takes that as his cue to stand and evacuate to his own room to also get some sleep and put this night behind him.

Except Rairi's hand catches on his pantleg, and Kaigaku looks down, trying to figure out the best course of action. Rairi looks at him, almost desperate, and their lips part to whisper, "Stay." Kaigaku's mouth opens, closes, and repeats the cycle, once, twice, three times. No other part of him moves, but Rairi tugs on his pants. "Kaigaku, please. Stay with me."

He should say no, but there's no way Kaigaku can manage that. So he squats back down to the ground as Rairi flips up the corner of the blanket to let him in. "What for?" he asks, hoping for an answer that—what? What in the world is he hoping to hear? And if he does hear it, what would he even do about it?

"Don't wanna sleep alone," Rairi says, now pulling on his sleeve to get him to come close. "I…" They swallow, glance away, sounding ashamed. "Dunno if drinking…will mess with my medicine. Don't wanna…have 'nother nightmare."

They're still having those, he realizes, though he shouldn't be surprised. There's a memory of one night back at Sensei's, whenever he'd woken up to panicking voices—Zenitsu wailing about something or another. Kaigaku had been ready to kick the runt's ass for making a racket whenever it became clear that Rairi was panicking, too, their expression marred by terror and tears, and it was Sensei that got the situation under control, all of them sitting and drinking tea in silence until the dawn broke. Rairi apologized later, like it was their fault, and Kaigaku hadn't known what to offer in comfort, so he'd just been able to bother them to spar later in an attempt to pull them back to normalcy.

That memory makes a lump catch in Kaigaku's throat, and he acquiesces, letting Rairi tuck him in after he kicks off his sandals, puts his sword to the side, and crawls into the futon. Rairi scoots over so he has space, though they end up having to share the single pillow. Kaigaku stays on his back, not trusting himself enough to lie on his side, to be that close to Rairi staring right at him. They don't seem to care, though, tucking their head onto his shoulder, their nails tapping up against his jacket's buttons. "You don't…wanna take it off?" Rairi asks. "Uniform's…not comfortable."

A fresh mental image of Rairi plucking apart the buttons on his jacket follows that question, and Kaigaku's reconsidering his earlier reluctance to the idea of hunting down and attempting to fucking murder the Insect Hashira. Oh, sure, Kaigaku would be the one dying, but that might be better than this. "It's fine," he says, having to catch Rairi's hand to stop them. "I'm used to it." He's also not wearing an undershirt, and who knows what he'll do if Rairi's callused fingers brush across his bare skin. The fact that he can still think such things whenever Rairi's in distress makes him feel even more disgusted with himself, and, hoping Rairi will doze off sooner or later, Kaigaku forces a change in topic: "What are you even afraid of dreaming about?" Despite being there first-hand for the aftermath several times, he never learned what it was that scared them so bad, even when they realized it was just a dream.

Rairi curls in closer, their voice sounding like a child's as they say, "You and Zenitsu…everyone getting hurt. Dying." They pause, their hand in Kaigaku's shaking. "Because of me. My fault, every time."

"Why would you even think that?" Kaigaku asks, his voice so soft that he almost doesn't recognize himself.

"Because…I don't belong here. I shouldn't…'ve woken up here." Rairi's voice is drifting closer and closer to sleep, but there's an undeniable certainty in those words. "I like it here. I love it. I love everyone. But I'm not…supposed…to be here…" And just like that, they're out, which saves Kaigaku the challenge of coming up with something to say, but also means that he doesn't get to give them any sort of reassurance before they've slipped away, and he doesn't want to disturb their rest just for that.

Kaigaku stares at Rairi on his shoulder, swallows, and says anyways, "I want you here. I don't care if you're not supposed to be here or what the hell ever, Rairi-senpai; you're staying."

Maybe Rairi smiles in their sleep. Maybe Kaigaku's just imagining it. All he knows for sure is that Rairi asked him to stay, so he does, sleep claiming him much faster than expected.

Kaigaku awakes the next morning unable to remember the exact details of his dream but recalling more than enough to explain the familiar discomfort in his groin. Any other time, that wouldn't be any problem at all, but this morning is an exception, because Rairi wasn't just in his dreams, but they're sleeping beside him now, their head still tucked on his shoulder, and Kaigaku can't help but think how much he wishes every morning could be like this, where Rairi is the first thing he sees.

Of course, he's also thinking that it sure would be nice if on this morning of all mornings he didn't wake up with a boner, because he doesn't want Rairi to—? Again, he's not sure, because he wants, but he also doesn't want, and this is not a situation he feels like explaining in any way, shape, or form, despite it being natural. Kaigaku manages to extract himself from the futon without waking Rairi up, and he breathes out a sigh of relief while admiring them, asleep and captivating as they snuggle deeper into the blankets with the brown of their hair slipping into their face.

So many emotions threaten to unravel in him, and Kaigaku retrieves his sword and his sandals. He's almost out the door when he remembers the little packets of medicine in his pocket, and he deposits one by the water jug on the side table, penning a quick note to explain what it is. Kaigaku tries to think of something else to add and just ends up aggravating his own headache in the process, so he downs his own dose of the pills and signs the kanji for his name, leaving everything by Rairi's katana so they're sure to find it.

When he steps into the hall and shuts the door behind him, Kaigaku has to stand there for a moment. He feels winded, like he used to be after fighting before figuring out Total Concentration: Constant. Fuck Kochō and her stupid—everything—nothing happened; he respected Rairi; everything's fine—

Well, maybe he's not fine, but his current issue is fixable enough. He was needed in around midmorning to learn more about Rairi's project and the documentation or whatever, but he's not expected anywhere before that, so there's plenty of time to pull himself the fuck together before he comes face to face with Rairi again.

Kaigaku breathes and heads to his own room, ready to put everything from the night before behind him, one goddamn way or another.

[Author's Notes]

If I was waiting for months to post the last chapter, this one has had me giggling in excitement for ages. Drunk Rairi is a disaster, and Kaigaku cannot handle a single ounce of it. Never a dull moment with our Thunder Senpai duo here, now is there?

Thanks to ephemeral-times, vip-volskiy, Sreven the Wolfsbane, gg (Guest), Shivi, ILikeFoxes828, kyoma2525oz, GeneralGray, AlexsandraVe, Junyahui, NXDJ4LI, Doubleblade2127, red the pikachu master, Andrew123456, and jonathan-allbritten-9 for the favorites, follows, and reviews! You're all fabulous and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I had to include a variant on the one small scene of Slayer Kaigaku and Zenitsu interaction we get from canon. Since Zenitsu's more confident, he can actually call Kaigaku out on his bullshit and make some progress now! I love seeing the boys grow together, so those scenes are always fun to work with.

My con that I went to was a blast. Met Aleks Le. Got an ita bag that is filled with Thunder Boys stuff. Bought a ton of other junk. I have my ita bag shared in my Instagram story at aviplotbunny if you wanna check it out. My friend also made me a Rairi plush for Christmas, which I haven't posted anywhere yet, but I'll try to get on that when I'm done recovering from general work stress while on vacation.

And happy holidays of all kinds to everyone! The next chapter of walk steady will be out once it's 2022, so I hope you all have a delightful winter season. We're actually coming up on the anniversary of this fic, which is wild to me, but more on that later. Thank you all so very much for the support on this story, and I'll be more mushy next time! Though if you're curious about what other stuff I write, all my active fics will see some updates coming up thanks to my usual personal anniversary updates, so you can check those out then!

It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! One of Kaigaku's joint mission partners was Michi, the guy that Zenitsu got into a fight with back on the beach mission. As you've maybe guessed, Michi is based on the Slayer we see in the short flashback during Zenitsu's canon fight with Kaigaku, though I've decided to flesh him out a bit more. Michi is currently ranked at Tsuchinoto, and is a practitioner of Wind Breather. The next time we see him will be…?

Next Time: Hangovers, sending off, and the Love Hashira is here! Please look forward to it!

-Avi

[12.18.2021]