A/N: Though it may not always seem like it, 90 percent of the time, I feel pretty shitty for leaving you guys to wait for literal MONTHS for a new chapter. This one has sort of melancholia associated with it, so I figured that it being shorter but keeping the same feeling throughout may be worth it. So this chapter is like just under 9,000 words. I hope you all enjoy it though it isn't terribly pleasant... just a warning. :)

Enjoy!

Loneliness. I hadn't felt it since Alison left me standing at the gala nearly six months ago. But walking in from the night air into a similarly pitch-black home only made me audibly sigh as I tossed my purse onto the couch to turn on the hallway lamp. The house was empty, devoid of energy. A place that once provided me solace in my singlehood now struck me silent. After over a week of their absence, even Alison's perfume no longer wafted through the air. I could only hear an echo of Jacob's laughter. The green grapes in the fridge had started shriveling as I refused to eat them just in case they walked back through the door at any moment.

But it was now Friday and even though Alison and I had spoken, no part of me felt resolution. Sure, I was still speaking to Jacob at least once a day but only due to not wanting him to feel like somehow something had changed. So that no matter how upside down our world felt, his might still feel together. I made myself a gin martini with two olives before sitting down in the relative darkness of my living room. I was prepared for the only sounds I would hear for the next 12 hours to be solely of my own voice.

To only be of our conversation two days earlier. A conversation that palpitated through my thoughts with more veracity than my own heartbeat. Because in that conversation, it felt as though everything fell apart.

The only thing that got me through Wednesday was that I forcibly took a half day. My stomach felt as though it had constantly been on a rollercoaster since receiving Alison's voicemail the day before. No part of me knew how to reply to her after listening to the call. In fact, I listened to it on a loop for nearly half an hour before it sunk in. She knew. Well, she knew nothing while simultaneously knowing everything. I had expected it though. Not this exactly, but I had anticipated the day I needed to tell her. The day that I walked through the door and realized that I couldn't take it any longer. I never thought I would be telling her by near sheer force.

I put on an oversized sweatshirt after climbing upstairs and cuddled up onto the bed, knowing that comfort would be the only thing to get me through this. Before calling her, I sent a quick text to ensure that now would be a decent time.

Hey. Took a half day so we could talk. Would now happen to work?

was worried you somehow missed my message. Jake is with his grandparents through this evening, so you can call whenever you're ready.

My breath escaped me without notice. Alison had ensured Jacob wouldn't be around for the call ahead of time. She knew the gravity of it all before her phone even rang. It was disheartening that I had even let this all reach this moment. That I hadn't done more. But we were here because of exactly that. I had already done more than enough.

Swallowing my pride, I went to the voicemail Alison had left and clicked redial. It rang three times before we were connected. Alison stayed relatively silent, our heavier breathing the only sound existing on the line. And despite her promising to say only two sentences, she spoke to me gently.

"Are you there, sweetheart?" All I could mutter was a weak affirmation through the line. "Thank you for calling me. Because of all of this though, I think we should FaceTime. Especially if you're nervous about getting everything out. How does that sound?"

"Okay." I exhaled heavily, "Give me one second." Fumbling with my phone, my fingers suddenly felt heavy. Prodding and pressing the keys with an emptiness that I also felt in the depths of my throat. Finally making it to the video button, I dialed her back, my voice catching the moment Alison came onto the screen.

She looked adorable in an off the shoulder teal top, her hair cascading over her shoulders. She appeared put together, but with a deeper look, her eyes appeared distant now too. They were darker and sadder, as though she hadn't been looking forward to answers either. At this point, they were simply what was necessary.

"Emily, be honest with me." She inhaled deeply, staring at me as she spoke her next sentence. "What did you do, baby?"

The weight on my chest dropped instantaneously causing me to heave forward in sorrow. My tears fell freely, sincerely hoping that maybe in some world they would be enough. That Alison would see my remorse and leave it be. But she sat there in the corner of her couch and waited patiently. She appeared to be sympathetic but also reserved any consoling until after I was able to gather myself and speak.

"Do you remember the first day you came to visit me at work? You know, the day of the gala luncheon?" I smiled simply at the memory of our naiveté. Less than two weeks in, having no concept from how far we would've come. Alison smirked, feeling the same, as she nodded solemnly. "We spent a lot of the time when you watched me work discussing genetic versus mutative cancer. And you were fascinated that we were trying to find links though blood samples. You were fascinated that the answer to Jacob's cancer diagnosis may be able to be found in my research." I paused, having looked down at the bed for much of our conversation thus far. "Well, I – uh – I was able to figure it out for you, Alison. From what I can tell so far, a portion of his sequencing would indicate that his cancer was a mutation."

Alison's eyebrow raised in confusion while shaking her head back and forth, "This still doesn't tell me what happened, Emily. You looking at his past information to find that out for me is helpful. I appreciate having that answer and being able to take some guilt off of my shoulders but – "

" – Ali? Sweetheart?" I tried to soften the blow. "I never said that it was past information."

Her face dropped even further, and I could immediately tell that she wished we were in person because part of her definitely thought I was lying. "What do you mean?"

It was now or never. "Jacob has been a participant in our study since his surgery last month."

"I'm sorry? What was that?" Her voice sharpened instantly.

"His data? I've been including his samples for about five weeks now, so that I could track his cancer." Alison was silent in front of me. Her face frozen in place. "Um, it all looks good though. For my self-preservation's sake, I can't individually pull his profile all the time, you know. But uh, it seems like his surgery was very successful. He should be all clear for chemo at his appointment next week. So – "

" – wait. Wait. Wait. When and how did you get Carter's consent for this? Did the two of you not want me to worry about his data being tracked repetitively or something?" She was speaking in rapid circles.

"No, baby. His samples are in our possession without anyone's consent. Carter knows nothing about this. This was me. This was all me. Only me."

"No, no, no." She set the phone down on the table in front of her as she stood, waving her arms and pacing around the living room as she spoke. "What the fuck are you even saying right now? You would never do something like that, Emily. You aren't the kind of person to break rules. Actually, fuck breaking rules! You committed crimes, Emily? You? The girl who barely drives seven miles over the speed limit out of fear of an officer's speedometer accidentally catching you. In what world are you capable of A, even doing this, but B, lying to me about it for over a month? What are you even talking about? You're telling me that you stole Jacob's DNA? Multiple times? Did you steal his DNA multiple times?"

"Multiple times." I repeated earnestly. Now that the lid had been unscrewed, it was not going to be screwed back on easily. Telling the truth no longer felt burdensome. It felt freeing.

"Multiple times! What the actual fuck? No wonder you've been walking around like a damn corpse since his surgery day. And –" She gasped. "Last week? Did you –" Her face came back into view of the screen as she sat down. "– you thought it was him, didn't you? You thought he was the cancer sample?" I nodded, a tear falling from my right eye. "Emily…" Her voice took a break from anger to a glimmer of sympathy.

"It isn't though. I mean, it wasn't."

"At least your behavior the past week finally makes some fucking sense." She exhaled, looking at me aghast. "You're going to have to start again from the top because I am furious right now. But like I said on my voicemail, you never do something without considering it. You thought about this long and hard, and you chose to keep it from me."

I nodded, biting my lip, "Now that you know the crux of it though, I do have to apologize. I knew and know that this was wrong and unconscionable."

"And very illegal." She added to the blow.

"Yes, very illegal." I sighed, "But my intention, at first, was just to find a way to keep Jacob safe following the PEDS ward's incompetency at his check-up. It wasn't meant to go this far, Alison. All I wanted was the ability to double check his sample. All I wanted was to be able to come home to you and tell you he would be okay with the utmost certainty."

Her hand rubbed her eyes out of exhaustion despite it not even being 3 pm. "Emmy, I get that. Really, I do, and you did do that. You did get to come home and reassure me. But you also came home every night and lied to me. You kept me out of it."

"Because I thought I could do it and protect you through it too. You knowing would make you complicit."

She shook her head repeatedly, "I understand your intention, but your intention quits being important when it's literally causing you to spiral. When – when did this even start?"

"The day of his surgery. When I went into Jacob's operating room to check on him, I had other motives, too, and then arranged processing it all with Claire."

Alison's fingers were scratching up and down her jawline, nervously taking this all in. "Claire? You made Claire involved in all of this?"

"That wasn't the plan." I shook my head, trying to explain thoroughly, "I came to her so she could explain the backend data collection to me. So that I could do it all independently. But based on my questions, she knew I was doing something nefarious and kind of made the connection herself. She, uh, wanted to get involved because of her father. The sooner we include younger participants or participants where their cancer hasn't been in remission long term, the sooner our discoveries can be confirmed and utilized across the board. She started this work to get answers for her dad. This had the promise of providing her more of them…"

She rolled her eyes. "Once again, your reasoning makes sense. But there's one flaw in all of this, babe. You're making yourself out to be the victim here, with good intent and promising answers. But you're not the victim! It's like you're out here making yourself the mark when in reality, Jacob's the one caught in the crossfire! He is the victim in all of this."

"I know, I know." I reached forward as if I could wipe her fallen tears through the screen. "I wanted answers so badly that I lost the perspective of everything else."

"Fuck your perspective, Emily! I want him out!" She gasped, catching her breath. "I want him out of this game."

Game. Her use of that word made my stomach sink. Because, to me, this was anything but a game. This was survival. This was the only way I knew to cope, and it being minimized to a game broke my heart. He wasn't a simple piece that I was manipulating. Jacob's health was everything to me. But at the same time, I couldn't call her on it. It would sidetrack the conversation from what it was actually meant to be. But her words didn't hurt any less.

I nodded, pinching my lips together closely, "I understand. I already thought about that. Because of our participant with cancer, we've been asked by the board to send out a notice and re-obtain consent from participants given what we know now. You know, give them the full understanding of the benefits and potential risks. We'll remove his consent, and he'll be out."

"There's no consent to remove because it never fucking existed." She groaned, standing up again, "I'm so fucking livid right now. Even with your good intent, you catapulted our lives forward in way that they never needed to be. You put yourself at risk. You put Jacob at risk. You put our fucking relationship at risk, Emily." She paced back and forth, holding her phone in her hand, choking out every sentence with more tears. "Like what happened to me being your soundboard? What happened to our relationship being built on honesty? What happened to us having the same end goal? You just – you steamrolled it all to get some fucking control? You're that desperate to control every aspect of your life that you put your family's life and your entire career on the line?"

"Ali –"

"No! I'm not done." She pointed at the screen, instantly causing me to gulp, "And you had the fucking gall last week to tell me – to tell me that I had come to you about the house without allowing you to make the decision about it when you're sitting on this bullshit? You crafted an entire argument on our first Valentine's Day based on pure hypocrisy! And you lied over and over again. When I came to you repeatedly?" All of a sudden, the view around me started spinning before landing presumably on her couch. Thrown to the side as Alison continued to get angrier. "You know? I fucking knew something was up the day of his surgery. You came out of that operating room, and I saw something different on your face. And I asked you what was wrong. You brushed it off with some answer later on, but you had almost an entire month of opportunity. I thought I was losing you to Jake's diagnosis like I got lost four years ago. But you were protecting a secret that you never needed to invent. If you told me you were struggling with all of it, I would have been there. Like, this month hasn't been fucking easy for me either. Maybe we could've found comfort in each other's disarray?"

"Alison, can you come back to the phone, please?" I raised my voice, attempting to get her attention from nearly across the room. She picked up the phone moments later with a glare, "Is there anything else?" Alison head shook 'no', her face softening at the sight of seeing me in pain. "Ali, I'm so sorry. I knew that this whole conversation was inevitable when this all started. I knew it, but I thought protecting you both was more important. It was selfish. It was selfish of me to not think of you and our relationship when it started. And you're right; it was all for control. I wanted to be able to control an uncontrollable disease. I wanted to be able to be the one to tell you if something ever went wrong with J. I didn't want you to hear something from some random doctor. I wanted to prevent you from being hurt by all of this, baby." I drug my hand through my hair, "I mean, you told me about the depression you went into from just the fear of his cancer returning. It didn't end that long ago, Ali. And there's years of your life that you only remember pieces of. Is it so wrong that I wanted to save you from that? All I saw was that you and Jacob were happy and healthy, and I couldn't watch that ever be destroyed. The two of you are literally my entire life now. I am tethered to you, and if you went under – if, if Jake went under, there would be no saving myself." My lips began twitching as tears built up in my eyes. "I fucked up in not talking to you about my fears. I fucked up in doing this alone. In doing this in the first place. It never should've happened, and it will stop." I looked into my phone, desperately, seeing Alison with tears falling down her cheeks as well. "I couldn't lose you to yourself. I don't have it in me to watch you wither away. In the same breath, I can't lose you to this, baby. I would never be able to forgive myself if – if I drove someone else away."

My lungs collapsed out from under me as my sobs heaved. She was more upset than I thought she would be. The compounding of ethics and the foundation of our relationship being a heavier burden than she was able to carry all at once.

"Emily?" Alison choked out on the other end of the phone. "Look up at me, sweetheart." My eyes darted to the ceiling to wipe away my tears as if her seeing them might be perceived as a weakness. As I made eye contact, she started speaking again, immediately sending more tears to my eyes. "Emily… I love you." She smiled through her tears. "I love you for trying to protect me. I love you for trying to protect Jake. I love you for risking so much on our behalf, okay? But I'm so disappointed in you. Because if you felt this helpless, if you felt so desperate for control, why didn't you come to me?"

"I thought it was the best way to love you through this. To not see you crumble."

"But, of course, I'm crumbling too. Somedays I feel as helpless as you have been feeling, and we could've done something about it. I mean, sometimes love is just being helpless together."

I could see her heart breaking in front of me. Her understanding of our relationship falling apart. I hadn't meant to lie. I mean, I had. But it felt necessary for her sake. At this point though, my head was circling. My thoughts were swirling because regardless of what I felt was necessary, this was never my intention. Breaking her heart was last on my list of end results.

She bit her lip staring at me while shaking her head. "You said that you couldn't lose me to myself, but baby, I don't recognize you. You're not the woman I fell in love with right now. You're not the woman I intend to marry. You're not the woman I lay beside at night and feel perfectly at peace beside. You're not my Emily." I watched as she gulped, swallowing her words despite meaning every part of what she was saying. "You lost yourself in this in trying to save me. Because this Emily, the one on the phone with me right now. This Emily is manipulative, and she's impulsive. She's deceitful and cold. And even with her best intentions, she chose herself over me. She put herself before my son, no matter how badly she was attempting to do the opposite." My mouth whispered the word 'no' over and over again, hating the words spilling from her lips. "And I don't know how we come back from that. I don't know how I reconcile this with my Emily. The Emily I fell in love with."

"No…" I whispered, falling apart on the screen.

"Take Jacob out of it for a minute. I trust you to remove every trace of him from your study, I do. So, take him out of it. What you did will never be okay; it will never be excused. But at the same time, I can't hold it against you. I can't hold against you the fact that you tried to take care of him the best way that you knew how. No, this is about us. Because you took care of Jake, I can accept that. But nothing about what you did took care of me. No part of this took care of us. It's mind-numbing, Emily. When so much of what we speak to one another is connection through our honesty, and you willingly threw that away? I mean, what was your end goal for making it through Jacob's diagnosis?"

"To protect you from its difficulty."

"Okay." She sniffled. "Mine was to support us through its difficulty. Different goals."

"… different goals." I looked into the camera despite being terrified to see her broken. "And what's your goal while we're talking? Say it at the same time. One. Two. Three."

"To understand."

"To be understood."

Alison's sighed loudly, obviously frustrated. It made perfect sense. "What the fuck did I do to make you feel like you couldn't trust me with your fears? When did I mess up?"

Fuck. This was now going back to her biggest insecurities. Back to self-criticism and second guessing her role in our relationship. When she had made so many strides. When I had helped her make so many strides. In the course of our months together, Alison had gone from barely being able to accept a compliment to owning them within herself. And my actions, in an instant, had washed that ownership away.

"Never. You never could make me feel that way. You've always been the most supportive partner. Please don't think that anything I did over the past month negates your support or place next to me or all of the magnitudes you bring into this relationship. I just assumed that you would be too fragile to –"

" – The same way I assumed with the house." I nodded in agreement. She fell back onto the couch, taking her phone with her. "I fucking hate that we decided so early on how we would have arguments because I would've hung up on you 15 minutes ago."

We chuckled together for the first time since getting on the phone. It was still there. Love and belonging. Everything within Alison might have been screaming to run away. But she had pursued this conversation head on, knowing that something was amiss. She didn't want a relationship that felt broken and out of place. She wanted security, and I hadn't made her feel secure. None of this made her feel secure.

"Tell me then." She interrupted my train of thought. "If I never made you feel that way, tell me your fears. Tell me what you were afraid to because I need to feel more settled before getting off the phone tonight. My whole body feels like it's screaming."

I audibly sighed, adjusting myself on the bed to lean against the headboard. "I know that this is impossible right now given the circumstances, but I wish we were having this conversation in person, Ali. That I could be holding your hand or wiping your tears or just giving you some confirmation of honestly through my body language."

"This isn't an answer, Emmy." She didn't acknowledge my plea. My statements were a moot point to her. But she had called me Emmy. It was her small way of telling me that she had heard me. She had heard me, but it wasn't enough.

"Well, I was afraid of this. Not that this would be your reaction but this moment. Because I knew that I'd be caught at some point in time, and I knew that you wouldn't understand." Her eyebrows raised, "Not – not that you should. I fucked up, but I hope that you're able to see that with everything you've told me about your mental health over the past year why I would be hesitant."

"I get that, but it's still no excuse. It's not a reason for you to feel like you could lie to me, baby. Even when you were hurting last weekend, I could've been there better for you. It's just so unlike you."

"It's not though." I whispered. "It's unlike the Emily you've known in our time together, but when the people I love are at risk. When I feel like I'm missing crucial information, I do anything to protect them. Alison, I would sacrifice everything I have for you and Jacob. To be honest, my biggest fear in all of this was you telling me not to do it. Because I did it instinctually. I didn't want something to be missed, and I wasn't willing to take that risk with Jake. Other than that, I've told you everything, babe."

"Okay." She bit her lip. "Like I already said, I get your reasoning for the Jake thing. It wasn't your choice to make though, and even with all of this, after making that choice and figuring out what you wanted to from his sample, you should've told me. You should've told me, and instead, here we fucking are after I had to confront you about it. We would still be caught up in this charade if I didn't know you like the back of my hand. And that's the kicker for me. You were never going to tell me if I hadn't asked, were you?"

I nodded, "You're right; I wasn't going to. Your peace in this was more important to me. I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want this – this conversation."

"Yeah, okay." She pushed herself up off the couch. "I don't accept that answer. I don't. Because all of this bullshit is fucking up every ounce of peace I thought we had. I mean, fuck, Emily. Just two weeks ago we were discussing actual full-ass marriage. I understand what you were trying to do, and I understand you wanting to protect me. But Emily… I need time with all of this."

"What do you mean?"

Alison sighed, "You heard me, Emmy. I need to think about all of this. In Philly."

I gulped at her vulnerability. She knew how much this decision could and would hurt me. But I also knew how badly she was hurting. How badly I had hurt her. "Okay…" I whispered in return. "I understand."

"Just give me some time. Only me. I'll make sure I call with Jake at least once a day and keep working on house stuff." She mumbled through her words, hating that they were even coming out of her mouth. "Once again though, this isn't me leaving you. This is just me taking time. Please don't start sinking without me there. Okay? I love you."

I nodded repeatedly, "I hear you."

"Thank you for being honest with me, Emmy. I will see you soon." She paused again, "I love you."

"Love you, too." I caught a tear with my finger, trying to hold them back. "I'm sorry, Ali. I'm really sorry."

"I know. I'm sorry about it all too, baby. J and I will call you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow…"

And with that, she waved goodbye, hanging up without another word. I couldn't make heads or tails of how the conversation went. If I had said everything I needed or wanted to. If we would actually be okay. But I knew that I was devastated. That in my wildest dreams, I hadn't predicted Alison being relatively nonchalant about Jacob's involvement and instead so focused on me not telling her the full truth. It was as though she trusted me with Jacob but was now questioning trusting me with her heart.

So now, here I was. Walking into a pitch-black home. Alone. The consent forms had been sent out yesterday, and I had ensured that Jacob's had been revoked. It would take a series of weeks to remove all of his samples from the research, but the proper steps had been taken in order to remove him as I had promised. But Alison still wasn't back, even with that confirmation. I was still reeling, reliving her promise of this not being the end though it surely felt like it.

Feeling my phone vibrating next to me, I picked it up to see Alison's name across the Caller ID. But I knew it wasn't actually her. I knew it was Jake holding the phone too close to his face just to check in. So, I took my hair out of my ponytail, shook out my shoulders, and plastered the sincerest smile that I could across my face before answering.

"Hi E!" Jacob announced as I answered. His toothy grin taking up a majority of the screen. "You have a good day?"

"I did, sweetheart. You went to the aquarium with Nana and Papa today, right?"

He leaned back, reaching off to his side before squealing, "Yes! Look what dey got me!" Jacob held a small stuffed penguin up to the screen.

"A penguin! It looks so cute, J. Did you give it a name yet?"

"Fwip!"

I laughed at his attempt to say the word, "You want to try that again for me?"

"Mommy alweady twied." He sighed, "I can say fuh-luh-ip, but not Fwip."

"Okay, we can try again later then. I do love the name Flip though; it's a very good name."

He placed his phone on the seat next to him as he grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch, "Yeah, I name him Fwip acause duh people at duh quawium telled me that pingins have two whole fwippers." Jacob jutted two fingers forward into the screen. "And duh fwippers help dem swim fast. One of my goals for duh summer is to beat you at swimming and soccer, so I has to act wike I'm a pingin too!"

"That's a good goal, J. Also, I know that you're very excited about your story, but you're talking faster than your brain can put the words together, and you're making a lot of errors, right now."

Alison voice echoed from behind him, "Emily's right, Bug!"

I smiled at her confirmation of my words. It was the first time she had given me any indication that she was nearby or had spoken to me since Wednesday. I hated how much I missed her voice.

"Okay, Mommy." Jake answered, before turning back to me, "Can I try again?"

"I'd love for you to."

"Okay, E." He inhaled, "I named him Fwip acause people at the quawium telled me that penguins have two fwippers that help them swim fast. One of my goals for the summer is to beat you at swimming and soccer, so I name him Fwip to be a penguin too."

"Perfect. You did great." Leaning against the back of the couch, I wanted nothing more than to keep him on the phone for as long as I could. "So, tell me more about your day, I want to hear about everything."

Curling up on the couch, his phone flailed allowing me to see a brief silhouette of Alison in the kitchen. She was facing the kitchen sink, most likely finishing up with dishes for the day as he continued, "Mommy took me to the store to get tings for dinner, and then we came home and made noodles togever."

"Oh, you love noodles. What a treat Mommy gave you."

He held the phone right up to his mouth, sending the camera portion of his phone Alison's direction. He had completed the action in order to be able to whisper, not knowing that he now provided me a bird's eye view of the woman I missed more than anything. "Also, I listen to you, E. I teld Mommy about my deams." At the prompting of him saying 'Mommy', I watched Alison look over her shoulder at his head barely peeking above the top of the couch. She shook her head at his mention of her before turning back toward the sink.

My mind churned trying to understand what dreams he was referring to. It had been a while, but I had faint memories of something we had told him back in Chicago. The day of his great-grandmother's funeral. When I suggested that someday in the future, whenever his mom was sad, to let her know about his dreams in hopes to maybe help her be happy again.

It was my first indication that Alison was still struggling. That this wasn't a simple thing for her to get over. That her heart was caught up in this more than I had ever intended. I struggled to keep my own expression together because inside, Jacob's words had hit me harder than anticipated. Swallowing my sadness down, I gathered up my courage to reply.

"You did?" I asked, sweetly. "Did that make her feel happier?"

"Her teaws stop, so I fink I did good." He smiled, broadly, "But I did listen to you, E. I wait and wait til she not wif you cause that's when Mommy gets sad. It took a long time, but I wait and den, I got to hep!"

"I'm sure you did great, baby." Staring at my reflection, I knew my smile was insincere. His words harsher than Jacob even knew. "You know I miss you a lot, right?"

"I miss you too, E. The quawium would've been weally fun wif you and Mommy, too."

"You're right. It would've been. We'll go there at some point in time, Bug. And I'll see you as soon as I can, okay? Daddy gets back into town tomorrow, and you'll get to have so much fun seeing him again. You and I will hang out again super soon. I promise, J."

"Okay. I see you soon." He started moving again, spinning in place at the end of the call.

"Let your mom know that we'll talk later tonight." It was a lie. I knew Alison and I wouldn't be talking, but we didn't need Jacob to know that. "And tell her that I love her, okay?" And that part was the complete truth.

"I will."

"I love you too, Jake. Have fun with your dad tomorrow!"

"Okay! Love you. Bye."

I didn't know how many more times I would be able to talk to Jake without feeling more of myself become broken. I had never realized how much genuine happiness and energy a child brought into my life. It caused me to see myself in a brand-new light. It showed me my cracks, immediate areas to improve. And it was in my best interest to improve upon them for the sake of him. Because improving myself allowed Jake room to improve as well. My growth would become his.

But in that same breath, it meant that the more we discussed things outside of my control, like his mother's earlier tears or her only being sad when I wasn't around, that my brokenness could become his as well. That at some point he would see through the mask both his mother and I were wearing and may learn to wear one too.

It was my Saturday to work, conducting patient interviews, signing off on new consents for a variety of patients, and organizing the office I wasn't in near enough. I worked longer than my usual hours until it was time to make my way to Emmanuel's house to babysit Tres in return for Valentine's Day. Though spending my time with a two-month-old wasn't my exact idea of a raging Saturday night, I knew that this was the best gift I would ever be able to give Emmanuel for his anniversary.

I pulled up to their home a little after 5 so that Dominque could be sure to run through his nightly routine for me prior to them leaving. I had brought a change of clothes, not knowing if spit up or an accident was in my future. It was difficult to be back here, if I was being completely honest with myself. Because maybe this all could've been prevented if I had been honest with Alison at that dinner table. Maybe the resentment wouldn't run as deep if I had simply gotten over myself and trusted our relationship enough for whatever the outcome may be.

Ringing the doorbell, I sighed while bending over to pick up a small package left on their front doorstep. Dominique opened the door a few moments later, looking incredible despite only being halfway ready for their date tonight.

"Hi, Em!" She greeted me, opening the door before wrapping me in a hug. "So happy you were able to make it, Alison said you'd be coming here from work. But neither of us were sure when – "

"Alison?" I asked, my stomach dropping at even hearing her name.

But at my questioning, I heard her voice echo from the back of the house, "In here, Emmy!"

I felt myself starting to get sick because everything in me told me that she wouldn't be here today. That today was just day 3 of us not speaking. That I would have to come up with a simple lie so that Dominique and Emmanuel would be none the wiser. But only about a dozen seconds later, Alison rounded the corner, matching me in her jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. She approached me cautiously, realizing how caught off-guard I would be as she wrapped her arms around my waist for a hug.

"Hi, baby." She whispered, kissing my temple gently as she pulled away. "I wanted to give Carter and Jake a good amount of guy time considering they hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, so I came over early to help Dom with anything she needed before their dinner."

"Guy time? In Baltimore?"

"Of course. Round trip flight, remember?" She nudged my arm with hers. A silent indicator to shove my emotions down for the moment to not raise any red flags. She didn't want anyone to know we hadn't been speaking. Alison wanted us to appear good. So, until the Onyeke's left, we were good.

Alison and Dominque had become fast friends. They laughed and discussed infancy in a way that I was unable to relate as we walked around their home. But even as they chatted, walking the both of us through Tres' bottle serving sizes and general sleep schedule, I was caught up in seeing her again. The way she tossed her hair over her shoulders as we walked to how her hands tucked into her pockets still somewhat unsure to the frequent glances behind her to make eye contact with me. Almost always blushing as she turned away. At this point, I was acting stranger than she was despite this lack of contact between us being completely initiated by her. But more than any of that, I was caught up in the way she held our necklace. Every so often, she would find the initial lying against her chest and hold it between her fingers like a precious metal. Tracing the outline of her 'A' repeatedly, as though it brought her comfort. I still was on her mind; I was sure of it. From the tears Jacob had reported the day before to her magnetic pull to me standing in the same room now, I hadn't actually lost her. I had lost a portion of her trust, sure. But she didn't want to lose mine in return. She had said she needed time, only a few days' time. And here she was. Back to me. It would bring tears to my eyes if I thought about it too long.

About an hour later, Dom and Emmanuel left for dinner, leaving Alison and I alone for the first time in over a week. She locked the door behind them as I sat on the couch with the baby monitor resting in front of me. Tres would be asleep for about 30 to 45 more minutes before his last bottle and wake time before bed. Alison looped around the couch to sit at the other end, her legs crossed underneath her as she sat facing me.

"You're here." I muttered.

"I'm here." She replied, half-heartedly. "How? How are you doing?"

I bit my lip, not knowing quite how to respond. "I'm alright. How are you?"

"Um, being here with you is the best I've been all week, actually. All of this fucking sucks, Emmy."

"You're right. It does. I wasn't prepared for you to be here tonight. I thought I wouldn't see you until right before Jake's chemo."

Alison shrugged, "We missed you. It's as simple as that." She looked at me desperately, wishing that I had more answers than I actually did. "It turns out that staying away from you doesn't make any of this hurt any less. It doesn't stop me from wondering where this went sideways or where we go from here. But it also doesn't change the fact that I want us to figure this out. Or the fact that laying down to sleep at night, the last person I still thought about was you. That I spent this entire week trying to figure out something to say to you, but I see you and immediately don't care about having the right words. I just care about us being alright, Emmy."

Her eyes focused on the couch seat between us, unsure of where we even stood, "I think we're alright. I mean, I'm incredibly sorry for not taking us into account when we should've been the first thing on my mind. If it helps, Jake's consent was taken care of. It will take a few weeks to let other people submit their consents to see which samples we need to dispose of, but he will be a part of that. I promise you."

"Okay, thank you." She smiled, playing with her fingers in her lap. "I was thinking this week about how you rarely practice what you preach when it comes to us." Alison chuckled, not meaning for it to be an insult. "Like in December before we found out the severity of his tumors, you had me wrapped in your lap talking a big game about how, 'These results are just letting us know what already is. We're not learning anything new. In no way does this impact the future, only our present.'" She spoke raising her voice and softening her cadence to mimic me, punching the ends of her sentences with upward inflection.

My mouth dropped as I replied, "First, is that actually what you think I sound like?"

"What? Not a good enough impression for the great Doctor Emily Fields?" Her tongue barely raised to touch her teeth, teasing me with both her tongue and her use of the word 'doctor' which she only ever used as the sincerest of compliments.

"You know, if someone overheard you right now, they might think you were flirting with me…"

"Who, me?" She whispered, tossing her hand across the couch as if helpless next to me. "My point still stands though, Em. Even though you firmly believe what you told me that day, you were more than willing to disregard it for your own sake."

"Of course, I was. You mean more to me than some saying I repeat to try and calm myself down. Seriously, Ali, I was just doing the best I could with the information I had. And it fucked us over, but I was never trying to harm you or hurt you. The last thing I was trying to do was hurt us in some way. In no way would I ever want to jeopardize what we have. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I was so terrified of losing you to potential bad news that I lost your trust in the process. And I don't know what it will take to get that back." I laid my hand to the left of hers, so that they were close enough to touch if she made the first move.

Her voice dropped again while lying her head against the back of the couch, "Time. It will just take time, Emily." She sighed, "I love you, you know?" And just like that, she reached to her right, linking the tips of her fingers with mine.

My thumb caressed the top of her hand, "I love you too, Alison. And I'll take that answer. I plan on being yours until you tell me otherwise, so don't we kind of have all the time in the world?"

"Whatever you say, baby."

I cleared my throat, starting to hear rumblings of Tres waking up over the monitor. "I'm honestly surprised you followed through on tonight. You could've come back for Carter and Jake to hang out and then still missed out on this."

"I was ready to see you. But no, other than Jacob seeing Carter, that's not why I came back today." She stood up from the couch, making her way for the stairs, "Ready to go check on the little one?"

Still cryptic. Still distant. But she was here with me, ready to try. I quickly followed her up the stairs until seeing the hint of light peeking from the end of the hallway, and her voice softening just for Tres.

"Hi, sweetheart. How did your nap go?"

Walking around the corner, I saw her leaning over the edge of his crib. All of her facial expressions were softened as she cooed above him. Her hand scratched Tres' chest, waking him up slowly. He appeared enamored with her, looking up at her with his head cocked to the side as she spoke to him repeatedly.

"Your favorite aunts are here to take care of you today. We can't wait to talk to you and play with you and learn all about your favorite voices and sounds. How about we check your diaper first, cutie pie?" She reached into his crib, gently holding the back of Tres' head as she lifted him up to her shoulder. "Say hi to Aunt Emily, Tres."

"He is even cuter than his pictures, Ali." I reached a finger forward to place inside his palm, his tiny fingers clutching around me.

She turned to face me as her fingers etched up and down the back of his neck, "Do you know how to change a diaper, Emmy?"

I gasped as though offended, "Of course, I do. I'm a 32-year-old woman, you think I've never changed a diaper?"

"I wasn't going to assume… we know how well that worked for us last time around." She rolled her eyes while moving toward his changing table.

She was teasing me, and usually I would walk behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, rocking each other back and forth as I relished in her care with Tres. But I didn't know if we were there. I didn't know if she was comfortable with simple flirting and teasing but nothing more.

"Emmy, could you go downstairs to get his bottle ready? I'm not sure how soon after he wakes up that he'll expect it, and I'd rather not deal with over crying."

"Yep. Can do." I reassured. "You'll come right downstairs?" I asked, quietly behind her, immediately causing her to drop the baby wipe in her hands.

She reached forward and kissed me gently on the forehead, "Yeah, Em. I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

Looking over her shoulder, she replied, "You're fine; that's on me."

I walked downstairs cautiously optimistic. We were hesitant but willing. It actually reminded me a lot of when we first met. Insecure together but even more insecure apart. I followed the directions Dominque left on the counter, removing a pouch of breastmilk to warm. Alison came back into the living room before the warmer's time had even gone off.

Following her back to the couch, I gently passed the bottle her way as she stared at him intently. "He's pretty precious, isn't he, Ali?"

"Needless to say, I'm obsessed."

"You miss it?"

She shook her head, "In some ways, I guess. It's more so a reminder of how quickly Jake grew up. It's not necessarily that I miss having a baby. I miss having a baby Jacob." Alison looked up at me, lovingly, "You want to feed him?"

"Sure." I leaned back against the couch for Alison to pass him my way.

I hadn't held a baby in what felt like forever but holding Tres in my hands felt incredibly different than the babies I had held before him. Maybe it was because every time before now, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. But since meeting Alison, who was now leaned against my shoulder silently watching, all of that had changed. Both she and Jacob had helped me see that raising a little human alongside the best woman I knew was the greatest gift ever dream of for the future I would leave behind.

But I couldn't say that. Not now.

She placed a short kiss on my shoulder, "You look really cute holding him, Emmy."

And I smiled, because low and behold, she was thinking it too.

We made it home a little before midnight as I immediately rushed up the stairs to see J. He was curled underneath the covers, mouth agape as deep breaths of air escaped. I crouched down next to his bed, placing my hand on his upper arm.

"You don't have to wake up for me, sweetheart. Just know I missed you, terribly. So happy to see you. I love you and can't wait to spend tomorrow with you, J." Whispering just in front of him, I leaned forward to place a short kiss on his forehead, noting the small smile that formed on his face.

As I stood, I saw Alison watching me from the doorway, shaking her head as I walked toward her, "You're too cute with him, Emmy." She reassured, placing her palm on my collarbone, "He missed you almost as much as I did."

"I'm excited to have you both back. You make all facets of my life feel less empty."

The two of us got ready for bed silently, each of us putting on an oversized shirt. She looked over at me from time to time to track my progress, innately wanting to know what I was thinking. It was all we wanted from each other despite not knowing where to begin. Maybe tomorrow we could wake up and be different. Be the people we were before I destroyed us. Be the person Alison originally trusted more than anything or anyone else. Be the woman that weeks ago she had affirmed the idea of forever to.

We laid down next to each other, cautious in our silence. Because earlier this week, that silence was distance and now, we couldn't have physically been closer. Well, we could have been, but it was the closest we had been in over a week. We hadn't kissed or held each other or formed any other bond beyond the words tied between us. But it was up to her comfortability, not mine. I knew that, for now, this would be enough. Her being back and with me was enough. I would give her all the time in the world.

I turned onto my side away from her, as was my usual sleep position when we weren't cuddling. And I thanked my lucky stars that she was back in town. Back near me. Back in our bed. And as my mind started fading into sleep, I felt her shift behind me on the bed. Moments later, her left arm slinked around my waist as she slowly started forming her body against my back. I lifted my head just enough for Alison's right arm to slide underneath my neck as she pulled me closer into her.

Her whisper started echoing in my ear as I kept my eyes closed, simply loving her being willing to take a step forward, "Now that it's midnight, I guess I can tell you…" She paused, placing a kiss just above my ear, "We came back today because there would be no world in which I would let you be alone today. As I promised you from the first time you told me about everything in that hotel room, I will never leave you, Emmy. I promised you a world in which you never feel left behind again. Especially not today." Her fingers ran across my torso. "I love you. Today and always."

I had been so caught up in it all that I had neglected to realize. February 26th. The day I woke up to find a world I thought I knew inside and out, turned completely on its head. For the first time in all of those years, Alison guaranteed that I wouldn't wake up alone tomorrow. And to be honest, that meant the world. My left hand joined hers on my torso as I tucked myself further into her. It wasn't exactly quite right. But it felt as though I was back to exactly where I belonged.

A/N: Didn't want to leave these two completely high and dry, but hopefully you all can see that some things will still be tricky between them. Thank you again for all of your support. And thank you for your absolute patience throughout all of this. You all are truly the best. Sending you all the best during the holiday season.

As always: Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.

Until next time,

secretpen28