When they got back to the room, Shi Qingxuan limped over to the bed and let out a pained hiss as they forced their aching bones to lay down. Against the warmth of He Xuan's back, they'd been lulled into a half-sleeping doze. But now they had nothing to distract them from the general unpleasantness of existence.
He Xuan let out a sigh, and put his hand on top of Shi Qingxuan's head. They felt all their little wounds start to heal. The pain in their chest and arm wasn't going anywhere in a hurry, but the superficial scrapes and aches covering their skin began to hurt a little less. They also felt the fabric surrounding them shift, and by the time they thought to shout "Stop!" the robes were smooth and whole again, like the day they were new.
"Oh," said Shi Qingxuan. They lifted their arm and stared sadly at the inevitably smooth and flawless seam. "You fixed Yingying's darning."
"Good riddance," said He Xuan. He'd never liked Yingying, and had mostly responded to Shi Qingxuan's angst about the breakup with variations on "why do you have such terrible taste in women" and "I told you so".
"She...she tried her best," said Shi Qingxuan. Their voice wobbled slightly, and they had to blink back a few years.
"Are you really still hung up on her after 20 years?"
"What?" said Shi Qingxuan. To be honest, they'd forgotten she'd even existed until seeing the robe. "No, I just...it had sentimental value."
"You always were awful at letting people go," muttered He Xuan. "Can you take care of yourself now? Or do you need me to take you to the chamberpot and wipe your ass, too?"
"N-no, I can manage that, thank you," said Shi Qingxuan.
"Good," said He Xuan, and left.
Part of Shi Qingxuan wanted to stay awake and think through everything that had just happened. But they were just too exhausted, and within moments had slipped into a deep sleep.
Shi Qingxuan woke once again to the smell of food and the insistent rumbling of their stomach. This time the porridge was supplemented with freshly steamed dumplings and a pot of Shi Qingxuan's favourite type of tea. It was certainly a tastier morning meal than they were used to back in the temple, but also lonelier, and thinking about He Xuan remembering Shi Qingxuan's favourite foods made them think about all the favourite things surrounding them in this room, and how they had gotten there.
Though Shi Qingxuan was still a long way from being entirely recovered from their injuries, healing spells and a good night's sleep had helped to dispel the exhaustion of the night before. Last night they'd gone from panicked to paranoid to being so tired they only cared about being warm and physically safe. But now they felt able to think, to consider the situation more rationally. To dwell.
They were reasonably sure that He Xuan had been telling the truth about why he built this place, and mostly sure that he meant it when he said that Shi Qingxuan was free to go. It wasn't impossible that he'd been somehow involved in the attack on Shi Qingxuan and Yu Yanli, but it seemed very unlikely, and given that Shi Qingxuan had asked for his help it wasn't unreasonable for him to have taken them here, where his powers would be at their strongest, and the odds of further danger or distraction was low.
Yet Shi Qingxuan felt ill at ease. Not afraid, exactly, at least not in the way they had been last night. But not calm either. Despite their healing body demanding sustenance, they found themself picking at their breakfast. When did He Xuan buy the leaves for this tea? Yesterday, while Shi Qingxuan was asleep? Or years ago, while he was plotting his revenge?
Had he decided to buy it for Shi Qingxuan's prison during one of their jaunts to a tea-house, as gods? What had been going through his head, back then, as he watched Shi Qingxuan and planned the best way to destroy their life and family?
Normally Shi Qingxuan found it easier not to think about these sorts of questions. It wasn't that they ever forgot what He Xuan had done, but it wasn't so hard to distract themself with other things when the two of them were hanging out together in the capital. When they talked and shopped and ate it felt more and more like they were friends again. Like they were equals, and nothing had changed.
But here. Here Shi Qingxuan was very aware of the fact that they were the mortal, and He Xuan was the Supreme Ghost King. That at any moment He Xuan could take away Shi Qingxuan's borrowed spiritual power, could take them prisoner, could kill them, and that there was little that anyone could do to stop him. Every drop of water, every grain of sand on this island was under He Xuan's control, and every other person his loyal servant. Assuming they weren't all just the man himself in disguise.
Shi Qingxuan forced down the last of their dumplings, the soft and delicate pastry as appealing as day-old burnt radishes. Then they picked through the chest of clothes, digging out the most bland and anonymous robes they could find. Once they were dressed, they sat and stared out of the window, watching the early morning sunlight reflecting on the ocean waves through the gaps in the high walls. It was a clear day, but no matter how hard they squinted they couldn't see another speck of land. It was as if this island was the only place left in the world.
Looking out at all that water, they couldn't help but think of their brother. Are you happy here? asked their brother's voice, in their head. Do you like the home my murderer made for you, while he was plotting my destruction?
The decided to go outside to clear their head. They remembered to put on shoes, this time.
He Xuan was presumably going to come to their room at some point to help heal their injuries, and the sensible thing to do would be to rest, and wait. But the idea of sitting in the room another moment was more than Shi Qingxuan could bear.
Instead they took a slow tour of the part of the gardens they'd rushed through last night, following smooth gravel paths and elegant bridges past flowering herbs and happy looking chickens. They could see now that this was just a small part of a much larger garden, with flower-lined canals and tree-shaded paths extending out into the distance. It all seemed very pretty and well-planned. Shi Qingxuan wondered what this place had looked like fifty years ago, and how many of the trees He Xuan had planted in the decades since then, patiently waiting for them to mature and grow.
When they felt themself getting tired, Shi Qingxuan found a small bench and sat and watched the butterflies flitting over the verdant flowers lining the large artificial lake at the centre of the garden. For a moment they wondered if He Xuan had put this bench here knowing that Shi Qingxuan might need it, and then remembered that there was a time not so long ago when they could walk for miles without tiring. When they could call upon the wind, and fly.
Unless He Xuan had continued to adapt this "kinder prison" to Shi Qingxuan's altered circumstances even after they became lame. Even after he'd had his revenge. It certainly didn't seem abandoned, or in poor repair, not even the chambers designed for Shi Qingxuan alone.
Was it just force of habit, that had led He Xuan to keep the room maintained? Or had he always planned to bring Shi Qingxuan here? What would happen, if they called his bluff and asked to leave?
It felt strange to think such dark thoughts in such a light and airy place. Shi Qingxuan felt a little guilty, to mistrust He Xuan so much when they had been the one to ask him for help, especially since he had done nothing since then but treat Shi Qingxuan with care and kindness. But he'd been kind and caring in the heavens, too, in his way, right up until the moment that he...wasn't.
And unfair or not, the worries in Shi Qingxuan's head refused to go away, no matter how long they sat in the sunshine and told themself everything was fine.
The pragmatic voice of Shi Wudu in their head reminded them that there was a middle ground between being paranoid, and being foolhardy.
"Your Highness," sent Shi Qingxuan, trying to keep their voice light, like this was just a random friendly message. "Uh...just so you know, I'm...with He Xuan."
"...yes?" said Xie Lian. "Aren't you two often together these days? No, no, you don't need to disembowel yourself in shame, I really do like the flower arrangement, I just wondered where you got all the eyeballs-"
Shi Qingxuan blinked, confused for a moment into silence. "...Your Highness?"
"Sorry!" replied Xie Lian. "That wasn't meant for you! I'm a little distracted right now, the ghosts have decided to throw a party for me, and it's very sweet but..." He trailed off, and Shi Qingxuan wondered if he'd gotten so distracted that he'd forgotten that he and Shi Qingxuan were even talking. But then he spoke again, this time in a much more worried tone. "Wait, when you say that you're with He Xuan...do you need help?"
"Oh, no, nothing like that haha!" replied Shi Qingxuan. "It's just that I got shot, and so then I contacted He Xuan, and then, um..."
Xie Lian gasped in horror. "You've been shot? By what, a bow or a magical weapon?!"
"A few arrows, but I'm fine!" Good job making Xie Lian worry over nothing, Shi Qingxuan. "He Xuan healed me right up!" Shi Qingxuan's ability to keep up a cheery tone started to wear thin. "Well, mostly. And then he killed the people who attacked me. Well, I killed one of them. And I'm not sure he's found all of them yet, but he's definitely going to kill...anyway! It's all fine! They weren't even after me I was just...sort of in the way haha."
"I see," said Xie Lian, sounding much calmer. "Well, as long as you're safe now."
"Perfectly safe! Completely and utterly and entirely safe. In He Xuan's h-house."
"...ah." Xie Lian could be a little scatty sometimes, but he was pretty good at figuring things out when he was paying attention.
"It's a very nice house!" said Shi Qingxuan. "Very...very well planned haha."
"I'm sure." There was a long pause, and then Xie Lian said, "I spoke to San Lang. He says that he knows where you probably are, and if He Xuan causes you any trouble he...he'll charge him extra interest? Oh, for upsetting me. That's a stipulation of his debt, apparently, not to cause me unnecessary distress. And I would be quite sad if something happened to you, so that's...some comfort, hopefully?"
Shi Qingxuan laughed awkwardly. Not really, Your Highness.
"Obviously, I would try to come and save you if I thought you were in danger!" added Xie Lian, quickly. "It's just difficult on land controlled by...ah! But San Lang says..." Xie Lian chuckled to himself. "Well, it was a little rude, the way he put it. But basically he says that if He Xuan wanted to hurt someone he wouldn't take them to a pretty little house with a nice garden, he'd be a bit more dramatic. Grimy dungeons and giant skeletal sea serpents, you know, that sort of thing."
"Ahahaha, yes, I remember," said Shi Qingxuan, who remembered far too well. But was Hua Cheng saying He Xuan was too tacky to torture anyone somewhere this pleasant? That wasn't much more comfort than "it would upset his debt-collector's husband".
Maybe Shi Qingxuan would just have to rely on trust. Pity they seemed to be lacking in that this morning.
"Do you think I'm wrong to worry, then?"
Xie Lian sighed. "No, not wrong. Given the history between you two, it's entirely understandable. You said you were free to leave- if you need somewhere safe, do you want to come stay with me for a while?"
"No," said Shi Qingxuan. For some reason, it felt very important that they not leave. That they show He Xuan that they trusted him. Even though...they kind of didn't. "Thank you, but...I think I do trust He Xuan. Mostly. I suppose I just wanted to talk about it." They sighed. "Thanks for listening."
"That's what gods are for, right?" said Xie Lian. "And friends, too."
"Haha, right," said Shi Qingxuan. "Well, I should...let you get back to your ghost party. But thank you again, Your Highness. You're a good friend and a good god."
"Any time," said Xie Lian. And then he cut off the connection.
Shi Qingxuan rubbed their chest and let out a little sigh. It looked like they were going to have to handle this on their own.
Shi Qingxuan explored a little longer, climbing a small hill to get a better view of the island. But while they were used to their legs making it hard to climb any steep slope, they weren't prepared for having quite so much trouble with their lungs. By the time they got to the top, they were gasping, their chest tight and painful. They used some of their spiritual energy to heal things as well as they could, but it was a stopgap measure. It really was time to deal with their injuries properly.
Shi Qingxuan had thought a lot about fixing their arm and leg, in the year or so since they broke, especially once they had access to spiritual power again. Xie Lian had even offered to fix both them himself, or to find a more expert healer to do the job, and Shi Qingxuan had certainly considered the offer seriously.
Having broken limbs was pretty inconvenient, after all! Not to mention, it hurt, the broken nerves that refused to actually do anything useful still shouting at Shi Qingxuan that Something Was Wrong on a regular basis.
But the problem was that Shi Qingxuan was mortal now. When a god was injured they used spiritual energy and a little first aid to help the healing process along, but mostly could rely on the power imbued in their immortal body to fix everything up naturally. But while mortal bodies did have some ability to heal themselves, they often 'healed' into a scarred and imperfect form, and sometimes didn't heal at all. That was what it meant to be mortal, after all: one day, something would be too much for your weak and temporary flesh, and your body would stop functioning altogether.
And if you were very unlucky, the thing that pushed your body over the edge was an attempt to heal it. Re-knitting the bones and nerves of a limb was not one of the more dangerous procedures a mortal could go through, but it still really hurt, and Shi Qingxuan's arm and leg had been broken in ways that meant that they could very easily have ended up just as bad at the end of being 'healed' as at the beginning, if not worse. Nerves were tricky little things.
But that was back when their arm was only mostly non-functional. Now that it was a mess of bone-shards and punctured muscle, the danger of infection or further injury was high even if they left it alone, so there was no real downside to attempting to fix it up. Especially when they needed their chest healed as well. It turned out the inconvenience of being unable to walk without pain was nothing to the unpleasantness of experiencing pain every time you breathed.
But if they didn't do this right...they might stop breathing at all.
They walked back to their chambers slowly, taking plenty of rests. Would He Xuan be waiting for them there, grumpily impatient? He probably knew exactly where they were, but he could be petty like that sometimes.
Yet when they got to the room it was empty except for a small plate of cut fruit, crisp and cool. With bittersweet nostalgia, Shi Qingxuan recalled how Ming Qi had been a good host, too, when it came to food- since he was always hungry, he assumed everyone else was too, and always provided plenty to eat.
Ghosts didn't need to eat, of course, but neither did gods. Whatever else about Ming Yi might have been a lie, the hunger had likely been real.
Shi Qingxuan ate the fruit, and then made another attempt at reading the book they'd been too tired to read last night. But they still couldn't concentrate, and the more time went on, the stranger they felt about the fact that they hadn't seen or spoken to another person all day.
Time to suck up their anxiety and contact He Xuan themself.
"H-hello, He Xuan," they sent to his array. "Are you...um...are you going to come help heal me?"
"Depends," replied He Xuan. "Are you done wallowing in angst?"
How did he know? Because he'd been watching? Or just because he'd known them for so long? "I was not wallowing in angst," replied Shi Qingxuan, hotly. "I was...I was just..."
"Mmm?"
"Anyway! I'm waiting in my room."
He Xuan didn't reply, but within moments he was there. Following behind him was a servant carrying a tray with a large bowl filled with an opaque white liquid. There was also another, smaller bowl containing what looked like more of the same medicine from yesterday. Blech.
"Sh-should I sit on the bed?" asked Shi Qingxuan.
He Xuan shrugged as the servant bowed and left. It wasn't the same man as yesterday, and Shi Qingxuan wondered how many servants there were in this place, hiding just out of sight.
Shi Qingxuan sat on the bed. He Xuan approached, and Shi Qingxuan couldn't stop themself flinching back a little.
"You're too nervous," said He Xuan, stopping. "You won't be able to concentrate."
Shi Qingxuan tried unsuccessfully to stop their voice from shaking. "I-I'm fine!"
"There's no point pretending not to be scared of me," said He Xuan.
"Maybe I'm just nervous because it will hurt!"
He Xuan rolled his eyes. "Obviously. But that's only part of it."
"Are you saying you can tell what I'm afraid of?" As if him being able to taste their fear wasn't creepy enough.
"Yes," said He Xuan, "because I'm not an idiot."
That was the thing about He Xuan. He acted like he was oblivious and uncaring, but he always paid close attention to what was going on around him. Especially when it involved Shi Qingxuan.
"Fine!" said Shi Qingxuan, defensively. "I'm sorry! I know you haven't done anything wrong...um. Lately. But everything here keeps reminding me of...of the things that happened in the past. It reminds me that I spent so long with no idea what you were really thinking...and part of me is worried that that's still true now. That there are still things you want from me that I don't know about."
He Xuan just stood there in silence. Was it paranoia making Shi Qingxuan think he looked guilty?
Shi Qingxuan sat up straighter, and looked He Xuan in the eye. "But it's just...just fear. You understand as well as anyone that fear isn't always rational. I do know I can trust you now, really."
He Xuan leaned closer, eyes dark. "Do you?"
Shi Qingxuan only flinched back a little. "Y-yes?"
He Xuan's eyes narrowed. "Stop lying."
"What? Do you want me to be scared? Or are you angry that I-"
"I'm not offended that you fear me," said He Xuan, "nor that you mistrust me. The idea that you wouldn't is absurd. I'm just sick of waiting for you to stop lying about it. Especially when it's so blatantly obvious."
"It's not lying!" cried Shi Qingxuan. Why was he making this so hard? "I'm just trying to stay positive! What do you want, for me to be angry at you all the time? For me to be scared? What would that achieve?"
He Xuan balled up his fists. "I want to stop watching you live in this fantasy world where I'm not the same man who killed your brother," he said, voice cold. "That I'm not the one who plotted against you, who betrayed your trust. At first you were skittish and careful, but now you've descended entirely into denial, because you don't want to admit to yourself that you fear me, that you hate me. You hold onto the masks I wear to hide the monster I am inside, and pretend they're real."
"What?" said Shi Qingxuan. "I don't-"
"But you can't do that here," continued He Xuan. He placed his hand on the pillar of the bed, tracing the pretty carvings in the wood with his long thin fingers. "This place doesn't belong to Ming Yi, or Sha Lizhong. It belongs to Black Water Sinking Ships. Because that's who I am. What I am." He seemed to tower over Shi Qingxuan, tall and pale, though in the bodies they wore right now he was the shorter of the two. "I am the hole in the world left by the people your brother killed, calling for justice. I am death and vengeance, hunger and pain. And the moment I let go of that pain, I will cease to exist, because it is all that I am." Though his voice was higher in this form, it was the same tone he'd used as the Reverend of Empty Words. As he tortured Shi Wudu, and then killed him.
And yet. Underneath the mockery, there was something else. He Xuan's voice was shaking nearly as much as Shi Qingxuan's.
"But you know if you let yourself see that, see me as I am, you won't be able to hold onto the mask I wore for you." He Xuan pulled at his face for a moment, as if on a literal mask, and the skin stretched, making his expression ghoulish, before it snapped back to the same cold glare as before. "You'll have to admit the Ming Yi you cared for so much was never real. You have learned nothing about me here that is worse than what you already knew. But unlike the events of the past, you can't ignore it. And so, you are afraid."
"Is that really what you think?" asked Shi Qingxuan, softly. Tears gathered at the rims of their eyelids, threatening to fall.
"Am I wrong? You loved your brother, and I killed him. I know what that feels like." He Xuan's eyes glistened too, though there was no telling if they were tears of rage, or of pain.
Then why did you do it? thought Shi Qingxuan. But there was no point asking that question. They knew the reason why. Because He Xuan cared more about his family, and his revenge, than he had ever cared about Shi Qingxuan. Because Shi Qingxuan's brother had destroyed everything He Xuan cared about, and turned an ambitious scholar into a ghost who dreamed only of retribution.
"Then why..." Shi Qingxuan sniffed. "Why act like my friend, if you thought it was all built on a lie?"
"When has anything between us not been built on a lie? Your little fantasy was doomed to fall apart eventually. You getting yourself injured just accelerated the process." He laughed darkly. "Frankly, it's a relief."
Had he been feeling this way all this time? Resenting Shi Qingxuan even after he'd had his revenge, not because of what their brother did, but because he was sure it was only a matter of time before Shi Qingxuan reviled him in fear and hate? It occurred to Shi Qingxuan that it would have been very easy for He Xuan to disguise the nature of this place, if he'd chosen to. He was a clever, meticulous man, well practiced at hiding secrets. The only reason Shi Qingxuan saw this place as the prison it was, was because He Xuan had decided to let them see it. Had chosen to make them feel this way.
"...are... are you saying," said Shi Qingxuan, slowly, "Are you saying that you find spending time with me painful, because you think I'll just reject you, in the end?"
"You flatter yourself," spat He Xuan. But he didn't say no.
"After this, will you not...not want to visit me any more?" The thought filled Shi Qingxuan with an entirely new sort of fear. Not the fear of harm, or betrayal. But a sense of loss, an anguished melancholy at the thought of life alone. You don't need him, said the voice of their brother. You have other friends. But there was only one He Xuan.
"I'm saying," said He Xuan, voice hoarse, "that the only reason you can stand for me to spend time with you is by lying to yourself. If you want to keep doing that, once you're away from this place and can pretend it doesn't exist..." He looked away. "Then you're an even bigger fool than I thought."
Neither of them said anything for a while after that.
Shi Qingxuan took a deep breath. "You're right," they said. Admitting it made their heart hurt, but it was like letting go of a heavy weight. "I've been trying not to think about what you did. And yes, a part of me...part of me does still fear you. Even hate you."
He Xuan hissed out a breath, his expression hollow.
"But you're wrong, too," said Shi Qingxuan. "Just because I avoided thinking about those things...doesn't mean I ever truly forgot them. When I chose to spend time with you...I knew what I was doing. I know you're not Ming Yi. I know...I know you're the man who killed my brother. I try not to think about it, but when I do..." They put their hand on their heart, where the lungs He Xuan had healed still struggled for breath. "I still care about you, even though it hurts. Even though there's fear and anger in there too. The reason I've been less cautious around you lately is that...I have been learning to trust you. The real you, not the mask you wore in the heavens. And if you want to stop pretending then...fine. Show me who you really are. And I'll show you how I really feel."
He Xuan shook his head. "You don't want that."
"He Xuan..." Shi Qingxuan reached a hand towards him, but he pulled away. "I know what you are," continued Shi Qingxuan, undeterred. "How much anger you have towards...towards me, and my family. But you aren't just vengeance. You're not only pain. Even though you hurt me...part of you didn't want to." They put their hand on the same pillar He Xuan had touched, and felt the wood beneath their fingers, smooth and solid and beautiful. "You made this place. You kept trying to save me. You didn't...you didn't let me die, even when I wanted you to. And you...you keep wearing these masks, trying to make me feel safe, even though you have no reason to lie any more. Because the man behind the mask isn't a monster."
"Is that so?" said He Xuan, voice flat and foreboding.
And then his face changed. It became paler, sharper, more masculine. His body changed too, but it was his face that drew Shi Qingxuan's eyes like a moth to a flame. Even though they were half expecting it, Shi Qingxuan let out a gasp. Every instinct, every nerve was now screaming in horror that they were in danger, that they should run. They struggled for air and had to close their eyes to block out the looming vision of He Xuan's true face so that their burning, injured lungs could function.
He Xuan's voice was deeper, now, and horribly familiar. "How do you feel about me now, Shi Qingxuan?"
"I..." They tried to speak, but it was too much, and their voice cracked and gave out. They covered their face and let the tears come, their breath so ragged it was practically a cry of pain.
He Xuan sighed, and the sound of it made Shi Qingxuan peer up at him through bleary, tear-soaked eyes. He was a woman again, still pale but no longer the ashy white of the dead. "This is stupid," said He Xuan. "You're just going to injure yourself more." And then he dropped to his knees. "Let's get this over with. Then you can go back home and forget about all of this. About me."
"No!" said Shi Qingxuan.
He Xuan stared up at them with Ming Yi's face. "You want me to leave?"
"Stay," said Shi Qingxuan. "Stay as yourself. If you...don't do anything scary, I'll get used to it, and it'll just be your face."
"It being my face is the problem."
"Just do it!"
He Xuan snorted, but changed back to his true form. Shi Qingxuan willed themself to stare at him. It was easier now that He Xuan wasn't trying to be scary any more. He was still frowning, but it was an endearing, gentle sort of frown, the sort he wore when he was secretly a little happy.
Seeing this face wear that expression helped a lot.
"Before we start," said Shi Qingxuan. "I said I'd tell you how I really feel. About you, the real you." They took a deep breath and tried to clear their mind, though it felt like a muddy maelstrom. He Xuan just kneeled and watched in silence. "I feel...I feel a lot of things." They clutched at the fabric over their chest. "I know you know how a-afraid I am. You...you can imagine how much a part of me is angry, and will probably never forgive you." They sniffed and wiped their eyes. "But...a bigger part of me is grateful for everything you've done for me. For your company, and your kindness. The bad parts don't erase the good." They felt embarrassed, but forced themself to keep going, rushing through the words, not even sure of what they felt until the words fell from their lips one after the other. "And when you're not around...I miss you. I care about you, He Xuan. I want to be your friend. Not Ming Yi, or Sha Lizhong. You, as you really are. Even...even with that face."
"Your friend." He Xuan's voice was soft, but still bitter. "You can barely look at me."
Shi Qingxuan flushed. They wiped their sleeve across their eyes and opened them wide, staring down at He Xuan with all the fierceness they could muster. "I'm working on it!"
Because they realised now that they did truly want to be friends with He Xuan. Despite everything that had happened, despite knowing their previous friendship had been built on lies and hate...he was important to them. And he was right: Shi Qingxuan had been trying to pretend to themself that things between them were simple, when any meaningful friendship would require Shi Qingxuan to accept every part of He Xuan, not just the parts they liked.
And having realised this, they felt free. Deep down, they'd believed the same thing as He Xuan, that if they let themself truly face how they felt, the happy times they shared with him would end. But now they knew that this wasn't true. They had faced their fear, faced the truth, and though complex feelings warred within their heart, their desire to be with He Xuan refused to fade.
They peered at He Xuan with a shaky smile. "You know..." they said, "your f-face isn't actually that bad, now that I really look at it. A little pale, but I guess that's to be expected. Your cheekbones have a dramatic elegance to them, and your eyebrows are amazing."
He Xuan's scowl threatened to turn into something softer, maybe even a smile. So of course he turned away and stared doggedly at the ground.
"And...take responsibility," added Shi Qingxuan, have to gasp for breath, but feeling braver than they had before. "You're the one who made me mortal then decided I wasn't allowed to die. You should heal me."
"I could always change my mind about that," muttered He Xuan. But he leaned closer, and placed his hand gently on Shi Qingxuan's chest. He paused, as if waiting for permission. Shi Qingxuan nodded, and then felt their chest lighten and calm. And as they'd hoped, the feeling of being healed and protected helped Shi Qingxuan feel less afraid. Their heart still beat far too fast for comfort, but they no longer felt quite so much like they were in immediate mortal danger.
But of course there was no hiding the fact they were still afraid from The Reverend of Empty Words.
"You really want me to do surgery on you with a face that makes you feel like you're about to die?" asked He Xuan.
"I'm going to worry about dying anyway haha," said Shi Qingxuan. "This kind of thing is always pretty scary when you're mortal."
He Xuan just stared at them, eyes impassive, until Shi Qingxuan had to look away. It was one thing to decide not to be scared, but another to dispel the memories He Xuan's true face dug up from the darkest parts of Shi Qingxuan's mind. He was right, they wouldn't be able to concentrate properly like this.
"...Fine," muttered Shi Qingxuan, defeated. "Please, just for now, be...the less scary version of you. But just for now!"
"Whatever you say," said He Xuan, his voice going higher as his face became a little rounder, and his body a little smaller. He stared at Shi Qingxuan again.
Shi Qingxuan stared back. Their heart was still beating wildly, but they had so many positive associations with this face, this voice, that their fear began to recede from screaming alarm into an unpleasant background hum.
After a few moments, He Xuan nodded to himself, as if making a decision. "Take off your robe."
Shi Qingxuan laughed awkwardly. "Are you sure this isn't just an excuse to get me topless?" they asked, trying to sound cheerfully teasing, but shivering a little. Even though He Xuan looked like a living human woman now, like Ming Yi, Shi Qingxuan couldn't forget how he'd looked a few moments ago, or how they'd felt.
"Do you want me to do this or not?" asked He Xuan.
"Sorry, I'm just a little nervous, haha." They carefully pulled off their inner and outer robes, wincing a little as they bumped their injured arm. A flick of spiritual energy caused the existing bandages to unwind and fall to the floor. And then they were sitting on the bed in only a thin pair of trousers.
"Let's get it over with," said He Xuan. Still kneeling, he moved his hands, and a tendril of water flowed out of nowhere to wrap its way around Shi Qingxuan's arm. The water was pleasantly warm, almost like being touched by a person. Shi Qingxuan had a sudden, highly inappropriate vision of He Xuan using water on their bare skin like this for a very different purpose, and felt their face flush.
Seriously, brain, Shi Qingxuan thought to themself in annoyance. First it's all horrifying visions of death, now it's sex? Can't I just be around He Xuan and not have it be weird?
"Are you ready?" asked He Xuan, looking as annoyingly beautiful as ever. Ugh, why did he have to be kneeling?
"Yes!" said Shi Qingxuan, pushing the unwanted mental images down into the same 'visions of He Xuan we are not thinking about' box as the others. They really were determined to be more honest about their feelings in general, but some things were better left repressed. "Totally ready and focussed!"
Too late, they realised that He Xuan had been asking for permission to start. All of a sudden the warm tendril of water was very much not sexy at all, tightening around Shi Qingxuan's arm and then twisting, He Xuan using a combination of physical pressure and internal control to force Shi Qingxuan's bones into the right position. He didn't flinch or falter, even when Shi Qingxuan let out a pained yelp.
Don't be afraid, they told themself, and don't be distracted. He's helping you. Now it's up to you to do the rest.
Shi Qingxuan focussed their concentration on the inside of their arm, making sure everything was falling into place. And then, as He Xuan healed the large scale damage, they started the delicate work of knitting the nerves and tiny capillaries. A regular mortal with no cultivation training would be asleep for all this, relying on the healer's ability to figure everything out from the outside. The fact that Shi Qingxuan could be an active participant vastly increased the odds of the procedure being successful, and decreased the odds of ending up with their arm becoming paralysed, or worse.
But also, being an active participant in their own healing sucked.
"Owwwwwww!" said Shi Qingxuan. "This...nnggg...this really hurts! My fingers feel like they're being struck by little lightning bolts!"
"Would you rather they remained numb?" asked He Xuan.
"Maybe!" said Shi Qingxuan. "Who really...nng... needs two hands? I...I got by with one for all this...ha! Ha!" They grinned down at him. "Did you see that! My finger moved!" Feeling inspired, they worked faster, connecting the last few nerves, though it sent unpleasant shooting sensations through their hand.
"Fingers do that."
"Mine didn't!" said Shi Qingxuan, delightedly watching more of their fingers wiggle. "But look at them now!"
"Congratulations." He Xuan's voice was flat, but he was secretly happy for them, they could tell. "You finished, then?"
"Basically!" said Shi Qingxuan. "For now, anyway." They'd be helping the arm heal for some time yet, but that would a slow process, working with their body's natural healing ability, and not something they'd need help with from He Xuan. Well, except for a little borrowed spiritual energy now and then.
"Good," said He Xuan. "Then stop moving before you screw up your cast."
Shi Qingxuan obediently froze in place, holding their arm out while another tendril wrapped around their arm, this one opaque with clay and medicinal powders. A snake-like bandage flowed up out of the same bowl and wound around their forearm in tightening spirals within the water until it formed a solid shape. It felt strange, but not uncomfortable. They realised they didn't feel noticeably afraid any more, asides from a little nervousness about whether the operation would be a complete success.
Once the bandage was settled against Shi Qingxuan's skin, the water surrounding it pulled away, leaving a secure and solidified cast. Shi Qingxuan poked it with their other hand, and the surface felt hard and dry.
"That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," said Shi Qingxuan. "But I'm glad it's done. Thank you."
"We're not done," said He Xuan. "Unless you want to spend the rest of your short life with a hole in your chest."
Ah, right. "Fine, fine," said Shi Qingxuan.
Fixing their chest wasn't so complicated, since the arrow had only pierced flesh, and not bone. Most of the injury was healed already, but there was still work to be done. Another tendril of water flowed out of nowhere. When it met Shi Qingxuan's chest it spread out to cover the skin, like a small warm blanket, or a very squishy cat.
So naturally Shi Qingxuan poked it.
"Stop that," said He Xuan.
"Heehee," said Shi Qingxuan, poking the water again, and enjoying how the resulting ripples made the skin underneath seem to wobble and shift. "This is like having a big see-through breast."
He Xuan let out an irritated sigh, and then said, "Open your mouth."
Shi Qingxuan looked up, confused. "Wha-"
A small blob of black liquid separated from the bowl of medicine and floated up in front of Shi Qingxuan's face. They shut their mouth with a horrified snap, and contacted He Xuan via his private communication array. "What are you going to do with that?"
"What do you think?"
Shi Qingxuan pressed their lips together even harder and pulled the corners down into an exaggerated pout. Medicine in their lungs? That did not sound pleasant.
He Xuan just sighed.
Shi Qingxuan sent the message "I am not happy about this!", but when that didn't have any effect they took a calming breath through their nose, and then reluctantly opened their mouth.
He Xuan immediately sent the medicine through their parted lips. It hurtled down their throat and into their lungs so fast it left them wheezing. Shi Qingxuan coughed in shock but it was already far too deep to dislodge. It tasted foul, the herbal stink of it filling their whole throat and making it burn. They glared at He Xuan but he didn't look even a little bit apologetic.
Shi Qingxuan coughed once more on principle, then took a deep breath and focussed on what was going on inside their lungs. As expected, the little blob of medicine was healing up the punctured tissue, flowing in and around the labyrinth of air sacs like a tiny cave-diver exploring a system of connected caverns. It was deeply disturbing, but undeniably effective. Putting aside their unease, Shi Qingxuan started to heal the parts of their chest that the medicine couldn't get to, soothing the inflamed muscles and encouraging ruptured blood vessels to return to their proper course. Meanwhile the water on their chest healed from the outside in.
Why was He Xuan so good at healing, anyway? Had it been a speciality of his school? He didn't need it himself as a ghost, and had hidden his water powers away as a god. Well, it was certainly useful, at any rate.
Shi Qingxuan thought back to the times their brother had helped heal them, as a mortal child, and then as a god. Shi Wudu had never used his power over water like this, even as a god he'd only ever relied on general cultivation techniques and the best medicine money could buy. For Shi Wudu, water had been a means to power, a tool to control and destroy. And all he'd ever wanted to do to Shi Qingxuan was protect them.
Shi Wudu would have hated knowing that a ghost had powers over water that he lacked as Water Master. Especially this ghost. And there was no doubt that He Xuan would take sadistic enjoyment from knowing that he had an ability his enemy did not. Especially one that related to Shi Qingxuan.
But how did Shi Qingxuan feel? Now that they were thinking about their brother...did they resent He Xuan? They poked their heart, and...yes, there was resentment there, and sadness that their brother was gone. They held the feelings for a moment, and then let them go. It was good to be honest with yourself, but obsessing over grief and resentment, well...He Xuan was an example of what that did to you.
"You're distracted again," said He Xuan. "Stop making me do all the work."
"S-sorry," said Shi Qingxuan. "I was just thinking about my bro...um! About healing! And how good you are at it!" There was no way they were going to tell He Xuan about that particular train of thought.
"Better than your brother?" asked He Xuan, with a small, smug smile. Ugh. He really was annoyingly good at reading people.
"No," said Shi Qingxuan, firmly. It seemed ridiculous to cling to this one shred of family loyalty as they sat consenting to be so intimately touched by their brother's killer. But they clung to it nonetheless.
"Hmm," said He Xuan, still looking smug, like he was magnanimously letting Shi Qingxuan cling to a comforting lie.
The two of them worked in silence after that, and soon Shi Qingxuan's chest was healed. Shi Qingxuan took a few deep breaths and enjoyed how nice it was to breathe and have it not hurt. The water pooling on top of their ribs floated away and vanished into the air.
"Now we're done," said Shi Qingxuan, cheerfully.
"Unless you want to fix your leg."
"My leg?" The possibility of fixing it today as well hadn't occurred to them. But there was a reason they hadn't asked He Xuan to help with it before now. And after everything that had happened today, the thought of yet another procedure was just too much. "Thank you for the offer, but...not right now. I don't really mind having a bit of a limp. Well, except when I'm running away from assassins haha."
"That won't be a problem," said He Xuan, with another small smile, showing a hint of sharp white teeth. "At least not those particular assassins." Honestly, this man. Did he only ever smile out of spite?
"You got them?" Shi Qingxuan clapped their knee with their good hand. "Good job! Thank you!" Experimentally, they tried clapping their hands together, and were delighted to find success, even if it was a little awkward with one arm still in a cast. They laughed and clapped some more. "Thank you for this, too!"
He Xuan shrugged, and then got back up to his feet. Even as a woman, he was tall. Shi Qingxuan wondered if he'd been that tall in life, too, or if it was an affectation. Not that they were in a position to judge anyone for being dissatisfied with the body they were born with. "You should rest," said He Xuan. "I'll take you home tomorrow."
"A-alright," said Shi Qingxuan.
"Do you believe me?" he asked, with a wry tilt of his head.
"Mostly, haha," said Shi Qingxuan, feeling strange about admitting to any such doubts. But He Xuan didn't seem offended. If anything, he looked glad. "Anyway," said Shi Qingxuan, "before that- put back on your face!"
"If you hyperventilate to death I'm feeding you to my fish," said He Xuan. His expression remained impassive as his features shifted, and Shi Qingxuan forced themself not to look away.
For a moment, the two of them just stared at each other in silence. Shi Qingxuan wanted to prove that they were fine, but was finding it hard to think with He Xuan's true face right there, so just said the first thing to pop into their head. "You have fish? As in...pet fish?"
"Not pets," said He Xuan. That seemed to offend him. "Guards. You've met some of them."
Shi Qingxuan gasped. "The s-skeleton fish?"
He Xuan raised his eyebrows, as if to say "You were expecting cute little goldfish?"
Shi Qingxuan crossed their good arm protectively over their newly healed body. "Please don't feed me to your skeleton fish! That would be..." They were overcome with horror just thinking about it. And then they stopped as they thought through the specifics a little more. "Wait...that would be really gross! They don't have stomachs! Wouldn't they just mush up my body and get bits of me everywhere?!"
"Probably," said He Xuan.
"Ew! Then definitely don't do it!"
He Xuan rolled his eyes, like Shi Qingxuan was being ridiculous. "Then don't die."
Shi Qingxuan laughed. Even with this face, even with his eternal refusal to ever admit to a positive thought...He Xuan was still endearing. "That's fair," said Shi Qingxuan, the lingering fear in their heart softened by warm affection. "I'll do my best."