Unfortunately, as much as Shi Qingxuan's heart might have liked to have lain in He Xuan's arms forever, their body would only accept being in the same position for so long. After a good night's sleep and a restful morning they were almost back to normal compared to the mess they'd been in yesterday, but 'normal' was not the same as 'well'.
They kept still as long as they could, since He Xuan was a skittish kitten who might bolt the moment Shi Qingxuan moved a hair. But eventually the tightness in their leg grew from a mild irritation to an intense pain that overcame their ability to heal it, and they had to admit defeat.
Just as they started to shift into a more comfortable position, they felt He Xuan's hand slip down from their back to brush along their hip and then settle on their thigh.
"Is there a reason you're deliberately injuring yourself?" he said, as he searched for and unwound the knotted muscles of their leg. "Haven't I healed you enough lately?"
"I just..." They rearranged the cushions and shifted their legs until the stupid things stopped complaining, and then rested back against He Xuan, who stayed delightfully still during the whole process. "I just didn't want to move and ruin the moment. I've waited over a hundred years for you to hug me, what if you never do it again?"
"And that's worth so much pain I can taste it?" said He Xuan.
"Yes," said Shi Qingxuan, resting their head against the smooth fabric of his robes. "That and more."
He Xuan snorted in disbelief.
"But even if you never hold me like this again...I'm glad I got to experience it at least once." They pressed closer, delighting in the way He Xuan's arms tightened to match. It felt so nice. Hopefully this wasn't really the only time this would happen, certainly not if they had any say about it. "And I'm glad...I'm glad you said what you did before. I know it must be difficult for you to be unguarded, especially with me. And I can only imagine how hard it was for you to...to say you were sorry, when you'd had to make yourself cold and unyielding to survive. Every bad thing you did to me was just a reflection of the terrible things that my brother had already done to you. And so...even though it hurts...I think..." They took a deep breath. "I think I forgive you."
"I don't need that."
They looked up at He Xuan as he stared down at them. He was so close they could see the tiny pores and scars he'd crafted into this perfect, beautiful face. "It's not your decision to make."
He Xuan blinked and let out a single breath through his nose. "I suppose not."
Shi Qingxuan put their hand on his shoulder and gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry, too."
"For what?" said He Xuan, because he always had to make things difficult. "What would you have done differently?"
"Uh..." said Shi Qingxuan, thrown off balance. "I don't know..."
He Xuan grimaced.
"That doesn't mean I'm not sorry! It's just a complicated situation. And surely I could have done something..." They dropped their head onto his shoulder. "I suppose...I wish I'd paid more attention to what was going on around me. I'm not sure if I could have changed anything, not in any way that really matters. But it just... it wasn't fair! So many awful things happened because of me. I wish it hadn't."
"Obviously," said He Xuan. He didn't sound very impressed. Which was kind of fair: it was very easy to say that now, but it didn't fix anything. Some things, once broken, couldn't be fixed.
"Maybe...maybe the only thing I could have done differently would have been to die," said Shi Qingxuan, staring sadly at nothing. "Everyone you loved had to die for me to live. I don't suppose you'll ever be able to forgive me for that."
"Probably not," said He Xuan. "Not entirely." And then he muttered to himself, so softly that Shi Qingxuan could barely hear it, "But I don't wish that you were dead."
Shi Qingxuan thought He Xuan might send them home after that. But he didn't. Instead he led them back to the boat, and continued the tour.
The garden continued to be very beautiful, a pleasant backdrop to lying back in a comfortable boat and digesting lunch, both the food and the conversation around it.
He Xuan went back to his seat at the prow, looking as unruffled and untouchable as ever. To remind themself that they could touch him, Shi Qingxuan rested the tip of one foot at the side of his hip, just barely touching his robes. He Xuan must have known it was there, but didn't say anything.
For a while, Shi Qingxuan didn't say anything, either. But the silence got too much, and they looked around for something to talk about, some topic less heavy than love and forgiveness and death. Eventually their eyes settled on a pretty clump of flowering bushes whose magenta blooms stood out brightly against the surrounding greenery.
"I like all the flowers," they said. There were quite a few, scattered all over the garden like jewels, even though they were well past Spring. "I wouldn't have expected them to really be your thing."
"The only garden without flowers is a dead one," said He Xuan.
"There are non-flowering plants!" said Shi Qingxuan. "But I like it like this. Very pretty." The watched the shore as the bushes vanished behind them and the canal took them under the elegantly drooping branches of a tall and delicate willow. "Maybe I could have a garden like this, when...if I become a god again."
He Xuan snorted. "Planning for your new luxurious life already? That didn't take long. And stop pretending like there's any doubt you'll be going back to the heavens the first chance you get."
"What?" said Shi Qingxuan. "Yes, I probably am going to become a god again. But there's nothing wrong with enjoying the finer things in life." They gestured towards the opulent gardens surrounding them. "It's not like you're in any position to judge."
"I'm not judging," said He Xuan. "Of course you want to be comfortable. It's human nature. I'm just wondering how long it will take before your little jaunt into poverty might as well have never happened, and you go back to whining whenever you're forced to drink wine that has been aged for less than ten years."
They really did used to be like that, didn't they?
"Wine!" said Shi Qingxuan, clasping their chest and falling dramatically against He Xuan. Wine was a much more pleasant topic than how spoiled they used to be. "Forget gardens, I'll be able to drink properly again! The moment I become a god I am going to gather up the fanciest, tastiest wines I can find, and get very, very drunk."
"You know, some people might take this sort of experience as an opportunity to stay sober," muttered He Xuan. He hadn't seen what a mess Shi Qingxuan had become in their first few months on the streets of the capital, when cheap wine had seemed like the only escape from what their life had become. But he'd seen the way Shi Qingxuan had avoided alcohol entirely since then, despite two centuries of cheerful drunkenness, and had always been good at connecting the dots.
"Boring people," said Shi Qingxuan. "I'm The Young Lord Who Pours Wine! I have to drink!"
"Do you?" He Xuan's deep voice vibrated through his chest, and made Shi Qingxuan feel warm as they rested against his back.
"No," said Shi Qingxuan. "I don't have to. It will just be nice to have the option." They traced the near invisible line of a black swirl of embroidery on He Xuan's black robes with the tip of one finger. "Are you worried about me?"
He didn't reply, of course, the grumpy old sweetie.
"I know you always thought I drank too much. I did make a fool of myself a few times..."
"More than a few."
"Yes, alright," said Shi Qingxuan, swatting his shoulder. "You know I never really lost control. Not...not when I was a god, at any rate. But maybe...maybe it's time to grow up a little. I am eighteen now, after all, haha. Nearly of age!"
"Time to settle down, then?"
"Settle down?" said Shi Qingxuan, with a dramatic gasp. "Are you saying I'm not settled down already? Just because I like to party doesn't mean I'm some rootless vagabond." They reflexively smoothed down their hair, unhappily noting what a mess it was. "As homeless people go, my life is remarkably settled. And I took care of all the household things for my brother before that, as responsible as anything." Being seen as their brother's wife had been highly unpleasant, but they had performed a lot of the practical household functions of the lady of the house, while Shi Wudu had taken care of making all the money. But now... "Though I suppose I am going to have to set up my own household, now, aren't I? I'm the head of the family now...now that everyone else is dead, haha."
There was an awkward silence. Even the boat stopped. Shi Wudu and his death would probably never stop being a difficult subject between the two of them.
"You could start a new family," said He Xuan, stiffly. He really was a family man, wasn't he?
"You know I don't want children," said Shi Qingxuan. "And if I couldn't find anyone to marry as the Windmaster I'm hardly going to find anyone now. Unless you're offering, haha..." They trailed off awkwardly, feeling like an idiot.
"Get out."
"I-I was just kidding!"
He Xuan sighed. "Of the boat."
"What?" Shi Qingxuan looked up and nearly fell over in surprise. "We're back at the house? When did that happen?"
"You really don't pay attention to anything going on around you, do you?"
"I was paying attention to you!"
He Xuan raised an eyebrow and looked significantly at the hand he was holding out. Ah, right.
After a final glare at the building for sneaking up on them, Shi Qingxuan took his hand, and they both made their way inside.
Shi Qingxuan felt very aware of the fact that they'd been about to leave before He Xuan had unaccountably decided to give them a tour of the garden. A tour that was now finished. The light filtered through the windows was darkening from grey-blue to orange-red, and a good guest should know when not to outstay their welcome.
"So," said Shi Qingxuan, who only paid attention to etiquette when it suited them. "Do I get a tour of the house now?"
"I'm not bringing the boat inside," said He Xuan.
"I know that! I wasn't up to walking this morning, but I'm fine now. And it would be good to stretch my legs."
"You spent the whole day complaining about how you nearly died yesterday, and now you're fine?"
"Those things can both be true at the same time!" said Shi Qingxuan. "With the amount of spiritual energy you gave me, I could have brought myself back from the dead."
They held out their wrist so that He Xuan could check their meridians. He did so, his fingers cool and methodical and gone far too quickly.
"See!" said Shi Qingxuan. "My body is fine. It's just that my sensitive spirit is still recovering a little."
He Xuan's lips thinned into a mirthless smile. "Don't expect me to heal that for you."
"I don't expect you to do anything for me," said Shi Qingxuan. "I appreciate everything you've done for me more than I can say, but..."
But I should really go home now.
The words stuck in their throat. They should want to go home, to get away from this place, to stop racking up debts they could never repay.
But they didn't.
"...but is there anything I can do for you? No that I have much to offer asides from my scintillating company, haha. But you don't actually have to give me a tour. And...um..." They tried to think of anything they could possibly offer an Immortal Ghost King. "I could talk to Xie Lian about asking Hua Cheng to-"
"Bathe."
"What?"
"What I want you to do is bathe," said He Xuan. He waved his hand through the air between them. "You smell."
She Qingxuan puffed up in outrage. "I used a cleaning spell this morning! I smell like flowers and sunshine!" Bathing options at the temple were limited, and there definitely had been a few times in the recent warmer weather when they'd been unpleasantly aware of their own odour. But now was not one of them!
He Xuan sniffed pointedly, with a dubious expression.
"Not that I would say no to a bath, if you're offering," said Shi Qingxuan. What with their usual bathing options being so limited and all. "Should I change into a man? Don't want to scandalise the servants." They winked.
"I could parade a different naked woman around every night and they wouldn't bat an eyelid as long as I paid them on time."
"Is that...a thing you do?" They were pretty sure it wasn't but...He Xuan had surprised them before.
He Xuan rolled his eyes. "Come on."
It was a very nice bath, pretty and practical. Shimmering light reflected off a large bathing pool onto painted tiles and mirrors enchanted not to mist over in the warm and humid air. Shi Qingxuan had been so busy admiring the decor they hadn't thought to say anything suggestive about their impending nudity before He Xuan had closed the door behind himself, leaving them alone. Ah well.
The bathing pool in the Wind and Water palace had been a lot larger, with more fountains and statuary. But this pool was warm, and comfortable, and peaceful, which was all they needed. And after yesterday, they would rather any body of water they had to sit in not be too wide or deep.
Once they were clean they unfolded the clothes He Xuan had left for them. It was a set of women's robes, pretty in the way they liked but entirely unfamiliar. Had he had these tailored especially?
They dressed, and brushed their hair, and then stared at themself in the mirror, pensive. They looked good, of course, but not irresistibly good. This was hardly their last chance to win over He Xuan, but there was something in the air tonight, a sense of potential they wanted to pursue. And there were always other people around back at the temple, there was no knowing when they'd next have to chance to spend time with He Xuan entirely alone.
They retied their nei yi and rearranged their outer-robes to imply a hint of cleavage. Did He Xuan like cleavage? Did he even like women? Maybe they should widen the odds and go for tastefully sensual androgyny...
There was a knock on the door. "Are you done?"
Cleavage it is then.
"That depends," said Shi Qingxuan, opening the door and leaning against the doorframe. "Am I beautiful enough?"
"Yes," said He Xuan.
"So you're saying I'm beautiful?" crooned Shi Qingxuan, leaning towards him and fluttering their eyelashes.
"Yes," said He Xuan, irritably. "Can we go?"
"Uh," said Shi Qingxuan, mind gone entirely blank. "Ok..."
He Xuan turned and started walking away, without checking that they were following, but at a slow pace perfectly matched to Shi Qingxuan's limping steps.
"You just said I'm beautiful," they said, catching up to walk beside him.
He Xuan kept his eyes resolutely facing forward. "Do you disagree?"
"Well, no, obviously. But I wasn't expecting you to-"
"Are you hungry?"
"Oh, um...I suppose so?" It hadn't been so very long since lunch, but they weren't not hungry, and a meal would be a convenient excuse to stick around.
"Good." He Xuan opened a door and Shi Qingxuan found themself in a cosy little room, in the centre of which was a table set for two. As they sat down, a servant came seemingly out of nowhere to place a bowl of steaming soup in front of them and pour the tea.
The soup was, of course, delicious. The room was likely beautiful, too, but they had trouble noticing anything but He Xuan. Now that the two of them were facing each other it was harder to hide the way their eyes were drawn towards him, especially now that they could see his pale, beautiful face.
"You know, He Xuan," they said, nervously scraping their spoon back and forth along the edge of the bowl. "You being so nice to me...it's really not helping me to get over you haha."
"Would you rather I wasn't nice?"
"No. No, I, um. I like it."
"Then what's the problem?"
Shi Qingxuan stared at He Xuan openly, wishing once again that he wasn't so hard to read. "You really don't mind?"
"We already went over this."
"Yeah but what if...what if you're so kind and charming that I get overcome by passion and throw myself at you across the table?!"
"Do you think you could force me to submit against my will?"
"No, not...not force. And I wouldn't want to! I just..." Shi Qingxuan struggled to explain what they were afraid of. Obviously He Xuan was more than able to take care of himself when it came to most things. But for all that he pretended otherwise he was consistently self sacrificing when it came to Shi Qingxuan. And he'd always been ill at ease around matters of sex and romance. "I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
"I have always told you when you were making me uncomfortable," said He Xuan. "And you usually ignored it."
"Only because I was sure you didn't really mind." They peered at him seriously. "Was I wrong?"
He Xuan looked down at his empty bowl, and said nothing as a servant came to replace it with a plate overflowing with various forms of fried sea life. Then he sighed, and said, "No."
"Ha!" said Shi Qingxuan. "I knew it! You complained and complained but I knew you secretly liked it!"
"I didn't say that," said He Xuan, mulishly.
"It was implied," said Shi Qingxuan. "And I want you to keep enjoying my company in the future, even though..." they rushed through the words, "...even though how I feel about you has changed." They coughed, feeling their cheeks grow warm. This was all so awkward! "So. Will you promise to let me know if anything I do bothers you? If I'm ever too much?"
He Xuan started to open his mouth.
"Really seriously bothers you. Not just a little annoying but also secretly charming."
"That's a subjective judgement."
"Promise!"
He Xuan's lips thinned and his eyebrows lowered into a flat glare. Shi Qingxuan stared him down until he rolled his eyes and said, "Fine."
"Thank you," said Shi Qingxuan. "Now I can flirt with a clear conscience." They smiled at him, watching for his reaction to the prospect of being flirted with, but if he had one they couldn't perceive it. He wasn't visibly displeased at the idea, at least, which was a start.
Well! That was enough of that.
They looked down at the their plate, and were struck by the unusual appearance of a strange little shellfish perched on top of the others. "What is this?" they asked, holding it up in the air with their chopsticks.
"Food," said He Xuan. "You eat it."
"Hmm," they said, not wanting to be rude, but also a little trepidatious. After a few visits to Ghost City they'd learned to be cautious any time a ghost served them something unfamiliar. But He Xuan was hardly some random street vendor. They carefully peeled off the little creature's rounded shell and took a small bite of the pale flesh within, then let out a surprised gasp and stuffed the rest into their mouth at once. "On second thoughts," they said, when they'd swallowed it all, "maybe I'll give up on you and elope with your cook."
"That could be difficult," said He Xuan, who had somehow already finished off most of the food on his plate, "when they're already married to each other."
"Your ghost cooks are married? Since before they died or afterwards?"
"I didn't ask."
"Well that's boring." They grabbed something covered in tentacles and bit into it. The taste wasn't quite the same as the little shelled thing, but just as good. "Mmm! My goodness, I might be persuaded to relax my standards regarding monogamy for more of these little fishy things. Do you think your cooks would be open to taking on a concu-"
He Xuan reached over and pulled the plate away from them.
"Hey! Those are mine!" cried Shi Qingxuan, reaching over the table to grab the plate back.
He Xuan smiled and tossed an especially tasty looking morsel into his mouth before holding the plate high up in the air over his head. "My cooks. My food."
"I'm a guest! You don't steal a guest's food away from them!" Shi Qingxuan stood up and strode over towards him. "My little fishy things!"
"Not from where I'm standing," said He Xuan before tossing another one into his mouth and stepping nimbly backwards away from them.
"Are you...are you really going to make me chase you?" said Shi Qingxuan, straining towards the plate with their tiny little girl arms. "On a crippled leg? You're such a child!" They changed into their male form but it didn't help, He Xuan was still taller and faster, and now their clothes didn't fit right.
Since victory was apparently out of reach, their only option was mutual destruction. As He Xuan slowed down for a moment to turn a corner they threw themselves towards him, pushing themself up into the air as hard as they could with their good leg and flailing their arms towards their poor stolen dinner.
He Xuan's eyes widened for a moment and then he threw the plate to the side, leaving his arms free to catch Shi Qingxuan as they fell upon him. They heard the plate land with a clatter. "Now it's nobody's food," they said, grinning up at him triumphantly.
He Xuan stared down at them and then said, flatly, "Then I suppose I will have to eat you."
Shi Qingxuan laughed, squeezing their arms around him. "Not if I eat you first!" They leaned up and made a biting motion towards his nose. He Xuan responded by moving his hands down to their waist and raising Shi Qingxuan up into the air and away from his body like a misbehaving cat.
"Hey!" said Shi Qingxuan, batting at his arms, but they might as well have been made of stone. "Don't use your scary ghost powers against this poor hungry guest!"
He Xuan unceremoniously shoved them back in their seat at the table, where their plate of seafood was somehow waiting for them, though a few misbegotten creatures had scattered onto the tablecloth as the plate landed.
"Hmmph," they said. "Do I actually get to eat this n-"
Their words died around a mouthful of squid. They tried to bite He Xuan's fingers but he was still too fast for their mortal reflexes.
"Stop talking and eat," said He Xuan, wiping his fingers delicately on a napkin, as if they weren't well beyond any pretence at proper table manners by this point.
"M'm trying..." muttered Shi Qingxuan, chewing.
He Xuan reached down to grab another odd looking crustacean from their plate, and started to break off its shell, piece by piece, with his quick, long fingered hands.
"That better be for me," said Shi Qingxuan, then opened their mouth and stared up at He Xuan expectantly.
This time they managed to nip slightly at the tip of his fingers before he was quite done. Given their respective abilities, he must have deliberately lingered near their mouth to let them catch him. And he was still standing awfully close, they could feel his body pressing against them gently where they sat.
Was this flirting? It...kind of felt like flirting. The thought was unexpectedly terrifying. Flirting with He Xuan was one thing. They were used to flirting with He Xuan. But what they weren't used to was He Xuan flirting back.
Or maybe it was just friendly teasing! It's not like Shi Qingxuan had ever been very good at making that distinction. Maybe He Xuan didn't realise how this all came across from Shi Qingxuan's point of view. They got the feeling that his facade of cold indifference existed in part to protect an innocent heart made awkward by inexperience.
Shi Qingxuan could feel their rather less innocent heart beating wildly in their chest, and their lips tingled with the lingering memory of the touch of his skin. Should they act normal? Flirt back? Their face felt uncomfortably warm, and it was hard to think past the memory of He Xuan's fingers caught between their teeth.
"You know," they said, hoping their voice wouldn't betray their nervousness, "if you wanted some of mine you could have just asked." They grabbed a shelled thing covered in legs and held it up towards He Xuan. "Here."
He Xuan leaned down and bit the creature from Shi Qingxuan's hand, crunching it up shell and all, leaving them holding nothing but the tail. And then before they could react he leaned down again and sucked the tail from their fingers, swallowing that too, then licked the oil from between their fingers with a swirl of his long, delicate tongue.
"Uh," said Shi Qingxuan, rapidly recalculating their estimation of He Xuan's innocence.
He Xuan slowly sucked his way off Shi Qingxuan's fingers, dragging his teeth gently against their knuckles along the way, and looking down at Shi Qingxuan through his eyelashes in a way that absolutely had to be deliberate.
"Ahh?" said Shi Qingxuan. Their voice had entirely given up the fight, and their face felt so hot it must be scarlet. They looked down at their hand, and then back up at He Xuan. "He Xuan are you...uh...ahahaha..." Their heart had been beating fast before, but now it was rattling like a wind-chime in a hurricane, their chest so tight with anxiety and anticipation they could barely breathe.
He Xuan peered down at them, as cool and unreadable as ever. "What?"
"Uh..." They looked away, and poked through the remaining food on their plate, but nervousness had stolen their appetite. "...never mind."
Why am I being such a coward?
If He Xuan was trying to seduce them, then on the most basic level he had succeeded. They felt an awareness of his presence in every inch of their skin. The faint wetness on their fingers felt like a lingering kiss, a promise of further intimacy yet to come.
And from a man like He Xuan, an offer of physical intimacy must surely imply some sort of deeper feeling, must also be an offer to become closer not just to his body but to his heart. All they had to do was respond to He Xuan's flirtation in kind, as they had flirted with him so many times before, and they would likely have everything they wanted.
And yet they found themselves paralysed with fear and doubt.
They asked themself: This was what you wanted, wasn't it?
Yes, came the reply, Eventually! Maybe! But I wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast!
They'd spent over a century chasing Ming Yi, slowly digging under his sharp outer shell to coax out shy hints of trust, of kindness, of affection.
Ming Yi had turned out to be an illusion, but the real He Xuan hid his true feelings away just as fiercely. They'd been prepared for another century of chasing and coaxing, had been looking forward to more gentle afternoons spent teasing and flirting with He Xuan and being satisfied with any subtle signs of affection he might offer them in return.
But what would it mean to actually catch him? He Xuan was a force of nature, a literal devastation, driven by obsession and duty. He had spent two hundred years avenging the death of a friend.
Was Shi Qingxuan really strong enough to be the lover of a man like that? Wouldn't He Xuan just end up disappointed, when he realised Shi Qingxuan was still the same weak, silly creature all their other lovers had tired of in the past?
And when things went wrong, what would become of this fragile peace they'd slowly pieced together from the wreckage of their former friendship?
They trusted He Xuan, they really did, but it was hard not to imagine a lover's quarrel and see visions of his face twisted by a cruel smile, stained with their brother's blood. To remember the man he became when consumed by resentment and jealous rage.
And that was assuming he was even interested in anything serious at all. Maybe he was just bored. Maybe Shi Qingxuan had misunderstood him. Maybe this was all some convoluted form of revenge.
Shi Qingxun had their own protective emotional shell, a shield of optimism formed in childhood that had been their only shelter from the bleak whispers of the Reverend of Empty Words. But beneath that shell was a weak, terrified child, always certain that the worst was yet to come.
And if there was one thing that child had learned to dread, it was change. Especially when that change involved He Xuan. They cared about He Xuan with all their heart, were drawn towards him beyond all reason...but the very fact that they cared so much made the prospect of things between them changing more terrifying than they could bear.
Was it too late to go home and pretend none of this had happened? Shi Qingxuan tried to imagine asking He Xuan to make an array to send them back to the temple, and their chest seized up so tightly they could barely breathe.
"Shi Qingxuan."
They jerked their head up with a start. He Xuan was looking at them with an unfamiliar expression, concerned and warm. He brushed his hand gently over the top of Shi Qingxuan's head and they immediately felt their pulse slow down, though the memory of He Xuan saying their name made their heart clench with a sweet ache.
"You don't have to be so afraid," said He Xuan, his voice soft.
And they believed him. Despite all evidence to the contrary, despite the fear that still thundered through their veins, they felt deep in their soul that nothing too terrible could happen to them with He Xuan by their side like this, wearing a gentle half-smile and telling them not to be afraid.