Chapter 19: Isolation
The door creak sounded exactly as it had when Shepard was younger. When it opened it revealed the small, dark wood box-like cabin from his childhood, and it didn't look like it had been touched much. His dad had a couple of properties and Shepard hadn't been to the one near Banff since he was a kid. His dad had said it had a historic quality to it that he liked.
Historic was one word for it. It had been built long before sleek automation of everything, and Shepard would have been surprised it was still standing if he and his dad hadn't made a lot of repairs over the years. He smiled a little at the memory. When he was a kid his dad had brought him here during the winters to teach him survival tactics. They'd fished and hunted and camped. Part of him had hated it, but his father had always told him it would "build character." It had toughened him up as a kid. "Learn to respect nature," his father had said. "Because it has no respect for you." Later as a teenager he had appreciated the bonding time and the comfort it brought. He supposed that's probably why he had come here.
The simple wooden door with a rusted door knob was sturdy enough for him to feel like he was escaping the world for a while as he closed it behind him. He'd purchased supplies at a remote shop and thankfully no one had seemed to recognize him. He wasn't sure why he thought they would. He was in the middle of nowhere, but he had worn a hat low on his face anyway. He still felt like all eyes were on him somehow. He'd paid for a transport to the edge of the wilderness and hiked several miles in the snow to get there. Now his body was tired, but in a good way. He could feel himself getting stronger every day.
The rickety furniture was covered in simple cloth to keep the dust away, and he pulled one off of the couch kicking up a cloud of it. He cleared his throat, and moved to the cold fireplace. He would need heat soon if he wanted to survive a night there. For a moment he wondered if he could even remember how to light a fire in a fireplace. There was a tall stack of dry wood still next to it that was enough to last a few days, but he would need to chop more if he stayed longer. He considered just how long he thought he might be there - a week? A month? Surely it wouldn't take that long. That long for what? He thought. He wasn't kidding himself. A trip to the woods wasn't going to solve his problems.
He set about piling wood into the charred stone recess, and after discovering that the old lighter he was trying to use was out of fluid, he looked around for matches using his omni-tool as a light. There was no power, and all of the light would have to come from the fire and a few oil lamps.
By the time he got the fire and lamps lit, he was starting to warm up. He sat on the floor in front of the warm orange glow of the flame, took a bottle of whisky from his pack, and twisted it open. He drew from it with a long gulp and then exhaled the burning vapor into the air with a throaty groan. His father kept a stash of bourbon at the place too, and had even shared some with him when he was a kid. He'd felt like a grown man on occasion here. His teen years hadn't necessarily been easy, but at the moment he was missing some of the simple freedoms of being a carefree kid. As he sat, he listened to the crackle of the wood and watched the fire dance before him. It was soothing and quiet.
Dr. Rainier would probably tell him that by coming here was running from his problems, and that it wouldn't help. He knew she was right. By now she would have known he was gone and contacted Hackett. Hackett would have contacted Ashley, who Shepard had taken a brief moment during the chaos of war to make his official Alliance emergency contact. He would get back to Vancouver and his counseling soon, but whatever demons he had at the moment seemed like ones only he could exorcise.
He had thought about telling Ash his plan, but he hadn't known what to say. She would have tried to talk him out of it. He supposed now that he had reached his destination he should at least send her a message. She deserved that. She deserves better, he thought. The worst thing about all of it was that after everything they'd been through, everything they'd overcome, he was still hurting her. He wanted to be there for her while she dealt with her own demons, but he couldn't. Not yet. He tried to console himself with the idea that she was with her family and that they were supportive, but he was being an asshole and he knew it. His omni-tool beeped as he opened it to record.
"Ash, it's me. I had to get away for a while...Clear my head. I'm...sorry for not telling you before now." He couldn't say he was fine, it was obvious he wasn't. He knew that. "I'll be back soon...I promise," he said. He sat for another few seconds trying to figure out how to close out his message, but finally sent it as it was.
He realized that other than how it was affecting Ashley, he wasn't feeling particularly guilty about dropping everything and running. Should he feel guilty? He didn't know, but today he wasn't feeling like making anyone else happy. He'd come here to be selfish.
And why shouldn't he be a little selfish? He'd saved the world after all. Couldn't a man just have some peace and quiet and some time to process it all on his own? He took another drink of his whisky and rubbed his chin. His stubble was thick, and in a day or two would be a short beard. Maybe he should grow a beard. Maybe not. His mind was rambling enough for him to think that the peace and quiet of the isolated cabin might not have been such a good idea after all. Fuck it, he thought and picked up the whisky. He was going to get blind drunk.
She'd listened to the message a few times since she got it, trying each time to find something new, some clue as to where his head might be. But she already knew. He was a mess, and she couldn't help him. She took a deep breath and cycled through all of her emotions one more time. She couldn't decide if she was angry with him or not. She couldn't decide if being angry with him would even be fair. They were both broken, and she understood now that they couldn't put each other back together.
She wished he had someone besides Dr. Rainier to work through it with, but he was alone. He had always been alone, in a way. Ashley had her family, and it made her feel less broken even as she recoiled from the idea of bearing her entire truth to them. She begrudgingly admitted to herself that she would need professional help, but she wasn't ready to work through anything yet. She understood why Shepard had left Vancouver, and she regretted pushing him to go in the first place. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe she should have said that to Hackett, and recommended that he lay the hell off of him.
She downed the last of the bourbon in her glass and set it on the counter in the kitchen just as her omni-tool received a ping. Liara was calling in real time, no doubt about Shepard. She answered and Liara's face was projected from her omni tool.
"Liara, hi," she said.
"Hello, Ash," she replied. "I suppose you know why I'm calling. Are you alone?"
"Yeah, I'm alone but probably not for long. This house is kind of a circus right now."
"Your family is doing well?"
"They are, thanks." She paused and then sighed. "I should have figured you already knew about this," she chuckled. Liara smiled and shrugged. Liara knew almost every secret in the galaxy, or so it seemed. She would have certainly heard about Shepard's disappearance.
"How are you?" Liara asked. "I mean in general. Are you holding up after…" she trailed off.
"It's been...different," she said. "But I'm okay. You?"
"It's been different, but...I'm okay too." They smiled at each other on the vid and there was a few seconds of awkward silence. "I can probably track him down if-"
"No," Ashley said. "He doesn't want that. Obviously he needs...I don't know what he needs." She shook her head.
Liara nodded. "And what about you? What do you need?"
Ashley laughed. "Shipment of whisky?," she joked in a cheerful tone. "I've maybe...sorta...drank my sister out of house and home."
"I'll see what I can do," Liara smiled.
"So, any news worth sharing?" Ashley asked.
"Plenty," Liara said. "Though it is very disorganized at the moment."
"Right. You have quite a few missing...friends." Ashley knew that Liara was rebuilding her Shadowbroker network, but she'd said she lost a lot of sources of intel.
"Glyph and I are sifting through it," Liara said. At least she had a helpful little drone around.
"Have you even slept?" Ashley asked.
"Not much, if I'm being honest. Though I suspect that has less to do with the workload and more to do with… well...you know." Ashley giggled at her words, prompting a curious expression on Liara's face.
"Sorry, I just had a very vivid image of all of us sitting in a circle in a group therapy setting."
Liara chuckled at that. "We wouldn't get five minutes in before someone blew something up or threw a chair out a window."
"We're a pretty volatile bunch aren't we?"
"That we are," Liara said. "I'm going to miss that."
"Me too." A happy squeal came from one of the rooms nearby, followed by a high pitched giggle. Ashley tilted her head in that direction. "My niece," she explained.
"I won't keep you," Liara replied. "I'll be in touch at some point. Take care of yourself, Ashley."
"You too."
Liara's face disappeared in a second of static and was gone just before Maddy came running into the kitchen with her father close behind. He emitted a playful growl, and scooped her up in his arms.
"Where do you get all this energy?" he asked, somewhat breathless. He kissed her cheek and Ashley watched their sweet interaction with a smile. As important as family was to her she had never thought much about having one of her own. It had never seemed possible with her dangerous lifestyle, and she wasn't sure she would want it even if she had been a civilian. But it was nice to see, and it always reminded her why she had wanted to fight to protect those things. "Tag, you're it,"' Michael said and handed Maddy over to Ashley.
"Oof!" Ash pretended to stumble. "You're getting too big to carry. Maybe you should carry me."
"She probably could," Michael said.
"I'm very strong!" she said.
"Oh yeah? Let me feel your muscles," Ashley said. Maddy flexed her soft, tiny bicep muscle and Ashley feigned pinching it. "Wow. You are strong."
"Will you come play?" Maddy pleaded and put her arms around Ash's neck.
"I thought you'd never ask. Let's go." She put her down and Maddy ran off at full speed, leaving a trail of giggles behind her. Ashley exchanged a tired look with her brother in law and ran after her. This, and only this she decided would be what her entire focus would be on for the foreseeable future.