He Xuan led them along a central path that Shi Qingxuan had somehow completely failed to notice back when they were looking for an exit last time. Even a few steps were enough to make their leg twinge, and they wondered exactly how much of this tour they'd be able to manage.
But then they stepped out of the large doors of the main hall and realised they opened onto a dock on the central lake, complete with a cute little boat with room for two. He Xuan stepped into it and then held out his hand for Shi Qingxuan to steady themselves as they carefully took a step onto the boat.
The wood beneath their feet creaked and wobbled and they let out a yelp, stepping back onto the dock.
"What if it sinks?"
"It won't sink."
They stared at the boat, with its solid wooden struts and comfortable looking cushions, and unsuccessfully willed themself to step back onto it. "It's just that I'm feeling a little nervous around water after yesterday haha."
"Would you rather walk?"
"N-no, I had enough of that yesterday as well...and I do want to see the garden, I just..."
He Xuan sighed, and the boat became eerily still. The water lapping at its sides was frozen in place, like time had stopped for a little circle of the lake a few bu wide. "Is this good enough? Or do you need me to float it above the ground and make us both look like idiots?"
"You could do that?"
"Assuming a fingers-width of water beneath the hull wouldn't be too much for your nerves."
Shi Qingxuan had an amusing mental image of the two of them dashing along gravel paths on a floating boat. It would certainly be more convenient than walking, but hardly the elegant canal ride the boat was built for.
"Let me sit down and think about it for a moment," they said, "I think I can manage that." They took He Xuan's hand again and stepped into the boat, which remained as solid as a rock beneath their feet. The pile of cushions was exactly as comfortable as it had looked like it would be. They carefully peered over the edge of the boat into the water surrounding them, trying not to be overwhelmed by anxious visions of sinking into those green-black depths. It was hard to see much through the waving water weeds and reflected sun, but they could make out something pale flitting about in the shadows.
"I-is that one of your skeleton fish?" they asked, shrinking back from the edge of the boat.
"Carp," said He Xuan.
"Oh." It was hard to be scared of carp. "Will the water being frozen like this hurt them?"
"No."
They tentatively peered back over the edge, watching the sunlight sparkle on the glass-like ripples. It was still scary, but also beautiful. "Can I touch it?"
"It's just water," said He Xuan. "Unless you mean the fish, in which case you'd have to catch it first."
Shi Qingxuan slowly reached out a hand to brush one finger against the uppermost tip of a wave of water, frozen as it peaked halfway up the side of the hull. It felt like glass, cool and smooth. They pressed down as hard as they could and it didn't budge. "If the boat fell to pieces, could you make me keep floating anyway?"
"Yes."
"Would you?"
"Probably not."
They stared pensively into the water. "It's just so deep..."
"It's no deeper than your chin."
"It's no...well why didn't you say that in the first place?! I'm not scared if I can stand!" They slapped the side of the boat and it wobbled, as He Xuan suddenly let the water return to normal. But they weren't scared, because this wasn't a lake, it was a puddle.
"Then can we go?"
"Yes, yes! Lead the way, guide!" They gestured imperiously.
It really was a very pretty garden.
He Xuan led them up narrow streams and under high arched bridges, past groves of date trees, heavy with fruit, and around craggy rocks cunningly placed to create the illusion of mountain peaks. It turned out that the door Shi Qingxuan had used last time was a servant's entrance, opening onto a kitchen garden rather than the garden proper. But even those more utilitarian sections were aesthetically laid out, while many of the picturesque features also had some practical use.
"I can't believe you eat your fish," said Shi Qingxuan.
"You are in the lair of a ghost king," said He Xuan. "You should be grateful I don't eat people."
"You eat other ghosts, they used to be people."
"True," said He Xuan, turning to give Shi Qingxuan a significant look. "And I hear humans taste even better."
They put a hand to their head melodramatically. "So all this time you were just fattening me up to eat me? And now I'm trapped in the evil ghost king's terrifying lair with no escape..."
"Mmm," said He Xuan, with a small smile, and Shi Qingxuan's heart skipped a beat.
"You know, for an evil ghost king's lair your decor could stand to be a little less bucolic," they said, looking around with a critical eye. "Where's the clammy, fetid mists? The wizened, lifeless trees? This garden is like something a human would make. Your other island was all spooky forests and creepy magic lakes, much more Ghost King-esque."
"I can send you back there if you prefer," said He Xuan.
"Hahaha no, no, this is fine!"
He Xuan turned back to watch their path forward. Though the boat had oars, he made it glide forward with no obvious means of propulsion. It was both beautifully graceful and disconcertingly eerie, much like He Xuan himself.
They remembered what He Xuan had said before: I made this for you. Was that why the garden was all so pretty and human looking? Then again, the other island had, in a sense, been made for Shi Qingxuan as well, just with the goal of making them intimidated and miserable instead of comfortable and content. Which of these was a more true reflection of the real He Xuan?
The boat led them up a narrow stream that passed beneath a delicate curving bridge and past a verdant stand of bamboo, which crowded against the shore and offered a pleasant relief from the warm Summer sun. Since he was turned the other way, for a while they let themself watch He Xuan, admiring the attractive shape of his shoulders as the dappled light played across his back.
Would he mind being so admired? He was taking the knowledge of Shi Qingxuan's interest much better than they'd expected. Maybe soon they could laugh about it, just another one of Shi Qingxuan's silly crushes. The thought was a mixture of comforting and melancholy.
When it felt like they'd been looking for too long, they turned to admire the gardens instead, noticing a pretty little path winding it's way through the bamboo. They dropped their hand over the side of the boat, letting their fingers drift through the cool water as it gently rippled past. "Even if I've been to other gardens a little like this," they said, "yours is especially beautiful. And having a water ghost to drive the boat around really adds something to the experience. I'm surprised you bother with paths at all."
"Says the one not pushing the boat," said He Xuan. But Shi Qingxuan got the feeling he barely noticed the effort required to move them along the canal. Most of the time it felt like his attention was on something else entirely, his eyes staring off into nothing as the boat glided smoothly through the water.
Shi Qingxuan kept thinking about how easy it would be to touch him. Nothing risqué, just something innocent like sneaking their hands under his arms to tickle him while he wasn't looking, or pulling out the ornaments holding up his hair. This boat ride was very nice, but there was also a restless energy under their skin making it hard to sit still. They wanted to prove to themself that they were still friends, that He Xuan would still tolerate their teasing.
But they were also reminded of another boat ride, decades ago.
To celebrate their 160th birthday, Shi Qingxuan had thrown a lavish party, held on a maze of canals. Everyone had been given pretty little boats to row around in the water, with refreshments floating past in small bowls and hanging from trees on the islands between the neatly excavated channels. Their brother had helped with the water, while they had used their own magic to fill the air with a gentle breeze which carried the sound of the hired musicians throughout the maze, and was redolent with the scent of flowers.
Everyone had been impressed and delighted...except Ming Yi, who'd spent the whole evening in an especially bad temper. Looking back, Shi Qingxuan understood why. Their shared birthday could have only been a reminder of their dark shared history, especially with Shi Wudu taking such a central role. But at the time, Shi Qingxuan had been confused and hurt by this seeming rejection, and determined to jolly He Xuan out of his funk.
Unfortunately, the first method they'd settled on was a drinking game, and the resulting party was something of a blur. There had definitely been some singing, they had a memory of draping themself over Ming Yi's lap unsuccessfully trying to get him to join in by crooning into his ear until he pushed them into the canal. That had led to another game that involved taking off layers of clothes, which Ming Yi had very aggressively refused to participate in. When Ming Yi interrupted Shi Qingxuan making out with a cute friend by making a loud sound of disgust, Shi Qingxuan had teased Ming Yi about being an innocent child of barely 100 years old, and then snuggled up to him, drunk and half-naked and damp, and whispered an offer to help him become less innocent. It had been half-sincere, his rejection had made them feel lonely and insecure, and he had looked especially handsome in the moonlight reflected off the water.
It was the one of the few times they'd ever seen Ming Yi be really seriously angry. He'd called them disgusting, a dissolute lecher with no sense of propriety or morals, and then stormed off, refusing to answer when Shi Qingxuan tried to contact him through his personal communication array. Shi Qingxuan's other friends had all told them to ignore He Xuan and keep partying, and they'd certainly tried, but their heart hadn't been in it.
The next morning, Ming Yi hadn't apologised. Ming Yi had never apologised for anything, unless he was being sarcastic. It was one of the ways in which he and He Xuan were the same. But he'd showed up at the Wind and Water Palace shortly after dawn, and stayed waiting in the receiving room for shi after shi until Shi Qingxuan finally woke up, some time after midday. When Shi Qingxuan had stumbled out to receive him, half-asleep and unsure if he was still angry, He Xuan had stood there, dressed in pretty women's clothes, and said Shi Qingxuan should hurry and get ready to travel to a distant, expensive women's tailor that they'd been bugging He Xuan to agree to visit with them for years.
Shi Qingxuan had taken this as a peace offering, and tried to apologise in turn. But He Xuan had waved it off, saying "You are like a lonely child who makes a loud noise to gain attention, incapable of grasping of why your actions are inappropriate. There is no point holding you to the standards of decent society, and I know better than to treat you as if you are sincere."
They didn't flirt with Ming Yi quite so much after that. And he never got angry again when they did.
Or at least...he'd never seemed angry. If there was one thing Shi Qingxuan knew now, it was how much seething fury had lurked beneath Ming Yi's grumpy but placid exterior.
They looked at the back of the man in front of them, and wondered: Was he seething with anger now?
"He Xuan?"
He didn't respond, so they poked him.
"He Xuan. What's that building over there?" They pointed towards a tiled roof peeking up over the trees. Their path kept approaching it, then turning away again, and they were getting curious. Most gardens this size would have at least a few halls or pavilions, but Shi Qingxuan hadn't seen anything beyond the main set of buildings. It gave the island a very lonely feel, like they were the only two people in the world.
"A building," said He Xuan.
Shi Qingxuan poked him again. "You know, you're a terrible guide."
He didn't reply, and went back to staring off into space. It wasn't unusual for him to be taciturn, but this felt different.
"He Xuan...Are you angry with me?"
"No."
Was he telling the truth? Well, they'd decided to trust him, hadn't they? They told themself that if he was angry it was up to him to say so.
"Um, then, are you alright? You seem distracted."
"I'm hungry."
"You're always hungry. Ha! You're literally a hungry ghost."
"Did you really just figure that out?"
"So are we going to go back to the house? I wouldn't mind some lunch myself."
"No need," said He Xuan. The boat sped up a little, then turned a corner, and Shi Qingxuan finally got a proper view of the black-tiled building: a little pavilion sitting on a rocky ledge above the water, it's reflection making it look like it was floating.
He Xuan docked the boat and helped them onto the narrow gravel path leading up to the pavilion. When they stepped inside they let out a gasp: the view was beautiful, elegantly placed trees and rocks framing a smooth, lotus dotted lake. And in front of the windows was a large stone table surrounded with cushions, and covered in even more food than He Xuan had provided at breakfast, vegetables and meats and noodles and steamed mantou the size of their fist.
"Don't think I don't notice you fattening me up again!" they said. "If you eat me you'll be in all sort of trouble with Crimson Rain!"
"Why bother?" said He Xuan. "After all this time you'd be old and stringy."
"I beg your pardon?!" gasped Shi Qingxuan. "I am DELICATE and SUCCULENT." They pulled up their sleeves to show off their arm. It was more tanned and wiry than it had been in the Heavens, but still a perfectly nice arm. "Look at this fine hunk of meat! Can you really tell me it wouldn't be delicious?"
He Xuan leaned forward, so fast they didn't have time to react, yet with an air of slow deliberation, and then lightly bit them on the forearm. They felt the soft cool touch of his tongue and gentle bite of his teeth, and then a moment later he was sitting back in his seat, as if it hadn't happened.
"Ahhh?" They pulled their arm to their chest protectively, rubbing at the spot he'd bitten. "Haha, ew! What was that?!" Do it again.
"Disgusting," said He Xuan, flatly. "I'll stick to fish."
"Lucky fish, haha..." said Shi Qingxuan, too overcome for tact by the memory of He Xuan's tongue on their skin (HIS TONGUE)
He Xuan made a face.
"Sorry, sorry," said Shi Qingxuan. "But you did bite me."
He looked away and muttered something under his breath that sounded an awful lot like 'sorry'. But surely not.
"Maybe I should be flattered," they said. "I thought with me mentioning that I uh...with what I said before, that you'd be too disgusted with me to even touch me, let alone bite me."
"I'm no more disgusted with you than usual," said He Xuan, with a slight frown.
"Really?"
"I always knew you had terrible taste."
Shi Qingxuan let out a loud, surprised laugh and then collapsed backwards on the cushions in relief. They looked up at the roof of the pavilion, which was made of geometrically layered wooden struts like interwoven stars. He Xuan really wasn't angry or disgusted. They were still friends. The tight ball of guilt and worry in their chest unwound.
"I don't know," they said, grinning and poking He Xuan with their foot. "I think my taste is pretty good."
"You think green looks good with pink. Forgive me if I don't trust your judgement."
Shi Qingxuan stuck out their tongue. "Well excuse me for liking a little colour. We don't all want to just wear solid black all of the time."
He Xuan frowned and twitched the fabric of his robes. The movement drew Shi Qingxuan's eyes to his hems, which glittered with delicate traceries of silver thread, picking out semi-abstract designs of waves and lotus flowers. Silver sparkled in his hair too, and in delicate earrings hidden behind the smooth black hair framing his pale face. Apparently he really dressed up when he was at home.
"I will admit," they said, "You do make plain black look good...not that I'm hitting on you or anything! Just making an objective observation!"
He Xuan rolled his eyes. But not in a disgusted way. He was maybe even looking a little...bashful?
It was not in Shi Qingxuan's nature to be pessimistic or down on themself, and now that they felt confident that their feelings weren't disgusting to He Xuan it was hard not to have a little hope. He Xuan obviously cared about them a great deal, and given his reserved nature it was entirely plausible that if their feelings were welcome he'd never show any sign of it. It was too optimistic even for Shi Qingxuan to think that he was in love with them already, but it wasn't a huge jump from 'accepting of feelings' to 'starting to return those feelings'. There was no guarantee that He Xuan could ever see Shi Qingxuan that way. But they liked him so much. They had to at least try.
They'd have to take things slowly, though, and be subtle. Their friendship too important, and the history between them too painful. Plus, figuring out a form of flirtation He Xuan actually liked was going to be a challenge. But Shi Qingxuan liked a challenge.
"Just to be sure..." they said, with a coy glance, "you wouldn't be open to me hitting on you, would you?"
He Xuan sucked in a breath.
"Never mind!" said Shi Qingxuan, losing their nerve before he could reply. That was not slow or subtle, Shi Qingxuan! "That would probably be a terrible idea!"
"Probably," said He Xuan. And then he stuffed a whole mantou in his mouth before Shi Qingxuan could ask him any more questions.
"Alright, alright, I won't push it," they said. But they hadn't given up hope of winning him over. If He Xuan was really against them flirting with him, he'd made it very clear. So they could wait a while, let He Xuan get used to the idea. Then they could think about how to broach the subject tactfully. Shi Qingxuan's usual approach to hitting on someone was to throw themselves at the person and see what happened next, but courting He Xuan was going to require a little more delicacy. The last thing they wanted to do was make him uncomfortable, or upset.
And since he clearly wanted to change the subject, for now they would repay his hospitality by sampling the many dishes laid out in front of them, though their heart fluttered with anxiety and hope.
It was, of course, all delicious. "Your cook is amazing. Did you find a professional chef ghost with unfinished business or something?"
"Hardly difficult," said He Xuan. "Professional chefs often die filled with resentment."
"Ha! Well, their loss is our gain, I suppose. Though they did such a good job, they deserve to find peace eventually." The frowned, looking out at the empty gardens, and thinking of the wide sea beyond. "That will be a little difficult for them out here, won't it? Do you let your servants-"
"They are all paid a large enough wage not to care," said He Xuan. "Not every ghost wants to move on."
"Right, right," said Shi Qingxuan. "And I suppose it's their life...well, afterlife. There's certainly worse things to spend it on than cooking delicious food." They thought about all the ghosts they'd met in Ghost City, from cooks to pleasure seekers to the Ghost City Mayor himself, Hua Cheng. They'd all seemed pretty happy with their lot, or at least no more unhappy than the people you met in a human city.
And then they thought back to a conversation they'd had with He Xuan, back when they still weren't sure if they could ever again see him as a friend.
"Do you still want to move on?" they asked. "It's alright if you don't want to talk about it. But I...I find myself invested in your continued existence. So it would be good to know."
"It has become apparent that I have no choice in the matter," said He Xuan, bitterly. "Or I would have dissipated the moment my revenge was complete. And what else could be sufficient, if not that? I am no ordinary ghost, perhaps the normal rules do not apply."
"Oh, that's true, maybe all you Ghost Kings are truly immortal. Look at Hua Cheng coming back after his soul dissipated." It was a happy thought. At least for Shi Qingxuan. "But...would you rather that wasn't true?"
He Xuan shrugged. "The end of my existence has no particular appeal."
Shi Qingxuan's face split into a huge grin. "I'm glad to hear it! And I'm glad you've opened up to me today. I feel like I've seen more of the real you today than in all the rest of our time together."
He Xuan frowned, embarrassed, and looked down at his plate. How was he so cute?
"When you started telling me about Lang Yiqui, I thought you wanted to punish me," they said. "Make me realise how much better she was than me." He Xuan's eyes widened in surprise. Ah, good, so he really hadn't meant it that way. "It didn't feel like you were punishing me, once you started talking," they clarified. "It felt more like...an honour. I'm so glad you felt able to tell me about her, and about your sister. Another time you'll have to tell me about your parents, too. Really, anything you have to tell me about yourself, I'm here to listen."
"I wasn't trying to punish you," said He Xuan. "I'm done with that. I have been for a long time. That's not why I told you."
"Oh! So there was a specific reason?"
He didn't reply.
Shi Qingxuan pondered. What about them revealing their feelings had made He Xuan decide to to talk about that specific aspect of his past? As nice as it might be to interpret it as a sign of love, surely even He Xuan wasn't so morbid as to let Shi Qingxuan know his heart was free by talking about a woman whose death Shi Qingxuan was indirectly responsible for. Something to do with his sister, then? Or... "Oh," they said, heart sinking. "Was that...was that your way of telling me you're not capable of love?"
"What?" He Xuan stared at Shi Qingxuan incredulously.
"Sorry, that was a bad way to put it! Obviously you loved your family! But I know some people never feel romantic about anyone."
"I am aware," said He Xuan. "But I am not one of those people. I just happened not to have any such feelings for Yang Liqiu."
"Oh!" said Shi Qingxuan, heart bouncing back up like a ball on a string. "Oh. Yes, it's funny how there's no logic to these things isn't it? It's like...um, me and Xie Lian. Hua Cheng gets so jealous that I sometimes start questioning myself, but even though His Highness is objectively lovely, and a really good friend, I just really don't see him that way."
"I'm glad to hear it," said He Xuan. He was? "If you were suicidal enough to express interest in the lover of Crimson Rain Sought Flower I'd just stand back and try not to get caught in the blood spatter."
"Hahaha, right," said Shi Qingxuan, telling themself not to feel disappointed. Of course he'd just meant it that way. "One time, before they got together, I was inside Xie Lian's naked body and Hua Cheng got so-"
He Xuan made a face of disgust. "Stop."
"Not like that! With a soul swapping spell! I wasn't even looking!" They made a disgusted face themself. "Xie Lian's like a cuddly old grandpa. I'm more into...um. Well, you- you've seen for yourself." Not everyone Shi Qingxuan fell for was as cold and taciturn as He Xuan, but the word 'cuddly' was not usually very applicable.
"Unfortunately," said He Xuan. "If they didn't mistreat or abandon you it was because they wanted your money."
"I wouldn't put it like that," they said. Even if they secretly enjoyed hearing He Xuan describe things that way. "Some of my lovers did turn out to be a little...mercenary, I'll admit. And some were less than kind. But people are allowed to fall out of love with me, impossible as it may be to imagine finding fault with perfection."
He Xuan snorted.
"Anyway. What about you? You know about all my embarrassing romantic misadventures, and I don't know anything about yours."
He Xuan twitched irritably, and Shi Qingxuan waited for him to snap that it was none of their business. But instead he muttered, "My taste is as bad as yours." He gave them a narrow eyed glance. "Maybe worse."
"Ooh, really? Now I'm curious if was anyone I know. Or was it another ghost? Wait- is it Crimson Rain Sought Flower?!"
"What?"
"Well I mean...I just can't imagine you falling for anyone you don't respect. And he's about the only person I know who you don't think is morally bankrupt, or an idiot, or both." The same could be said of Hua Cheng's attitude to He Xuan, come to think of it, though there was no doubt about where Hua Cheng's affections lay. It was a melancholy thought, poor He Xuan pining in silence at Hua Cheng's side. Shi Qingxuan felt a sting of protective anger on his behalf just imagining it. Or perhaps it was a sting of jealousy: who could compete with the all powerful Ghost King Crimson Rain Sought Flower? For centuries, Hua Cheng had been the only person in the world He Xuan trusted with the truth of his past, and his plans, while Shi Qingxuan's friendship with him had been founded on lies.
Was this how Hua Cheng felt when he saw Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian together? No wonder he always looked so murderous.
"I definitely think you're an idiot." He Xuan rolled his eyes, not looking very much like someone whose secret passion had been finally revealed.
"Hey!" They threw a dumpling at him, but he dodged and it fell into the water. Oh well, more food for the fish. "Is that why you've stayed single all those years? Your terrible taste?"
"Partly." He picked at another mantou, tearing it into little pieces with his hands until his plate was a mess of shards of bread. "A part of me felt...still feels, that it would be wrong for me to pursue such selfish desires, when my very reason for existence is to avenge my fiancee's death. If I had married her, if she had lived, I would have taken no other. What right do I have to act otherwise, because she is dead?"
"But..." but you didn't love her, they nearly said, but that was besides the point. "Would she want that?"
He Xuan snorted out a sharp laugh. "She wouldn't have wanted any of this. None of them would. They would have wanted me to find peace, to move on. To join them in the afterlife, and then live again."
"Then why..."
"You wouldn't understand. You can't. You're too..." He shook the crumbs from his hands, looking down at his long fingers. "I used to think you were too sheltered, but suffering just makes you more yourself." His voice went soft. "You are too strong, perhaps. Bent, but never broken, always smiling."
Was that how he saw them? Strong and always smiling?
"Not always," said Shi Qingxuan. He Xuan knew that as well as anyone.
"No," said He Xuan. "I suppose not." His hands formed into fists. "But if someone had done to me what I did to you, to your family...I would hate them for eternity, no matter their reasons."
"I do still resent you a little, you know."
He Xuan gave them a look that said "That's not the same and you know it".
"I suppose I am pretty good at accepting whatever happens in life," they said. "But that also means I can become complacent, and put up with things I shouldn't. Like-" They stopped themself, and laughed. "Wait, this is backwards, why am I the one persuading you of my flaws? I'm so unused to you complimenting me, I started arguing back on principle. Forget all that, keep telling me how amazing I am and I won't contradict a word of it."
The smiled at him expectantly.
He Xuan stared back. "You say you are infatuated with me."
Shi Qingxuan flinched back. That's not exactly a compliment, He Xuan! "U-um..." For a moment they considered denying it, but it was far too late for that. Anyway, hadn't they promised to tell the truth, even when it was uncomfortable? "Y-yes? But just a little bit."
He Xuan sat up straighter, emphasising his height, and leaned across the table. "I am already dead. But... if I was to vanish from the world. If, say, those schoolgirls had somehow managed to destroy me. Would you accept it, the way you accept everything, and move on, too? Find someone else to be infatuated with?"
The romantic in Shi Qingxuan wanted to say "No! I will never love again!" But He Xuan knew them too well to believe that. "Um. P-probably? One day, if I didn't die first haha. Sorry if that seems a bit..."
He Xuan shook his head. "I envy you. It sounds like a convenient way to live."
"It's not like I don't...I would never forget you. He Xuan, whatever happens, I will always-"
"Do you think I should be like you? Accept what happened to the people I loved? Remember them, in a distant way, but not be consumed by that memory?"
"I...I don't know. I can't tell you how to feel."
He Xuan sneered, clearly considering this an attempt to avoid the question.
"I...I do wonder who it helps to force yourself to suffer," they said, carefully. "Punishing my brother, or even me...I don't need revenge the same way you do, but I understand punishment. I understand how...how hurting us could be justice, even if I would, um, rather you didn't punish me any more than you already have haha. But why punish yourself? You didn't do anything wrong."
"Didn't I?"
"Do you mean because you survived? Well, sort of survived. But that's not-"
"I don't mean to my family, or Yang Liqiu. Can you really say I did nothing wrong to you?" His voice was calm but his eyes were fierce, intense, like he was accusing them of some wrong-doing instead of himself.
"To me?" Shi Qingxuan blinked at him. He Xuan was annoyingly good at throwing them off balance with unexpected questions. "Um. W-well I'm not exactly unbiased, but...yes, I can think of a few things you should have done differently. Quite a few things. But what does that have to do with anything?"
"What things? What should I have done differently?"
Shi Qingxuan stared at him, unsure how to reply. Part of them felt like this had to be some sort of trap. But if they were going suspect him like that, they might as well go home right now.
"Well..." they said, not sure where to even begin. Buried resentment slowly bubbled to the surface and took the form of words. "Well, for a start... you could have been honest with me! Instead of everything being a lie! We were friends, I would have listened!"
They tensed for his reaction, not sure if he'd be angry.
But his voice remained entirely flat. "I should have told you I intended to kill your brother? And you wouldn't have interfered?"
"I..." Damn, he had a point there. "Fine. Fine! Maybe you had to lie to me. Maybe...maybe you did have to kill my broth-" They froze in horror. But it wasn't that they were saying their brother deserved to die. It was just that the situation their brother had created had only two outcomes: He Xuan destroyed Shi Wudu out of revenge and self defence, or Shi Wudu destroyed He Xuan to keep his secret. And they could hardly expect He Xuan to agree to the second outcome. They couldn't even bring themself to want it, deep down. They grasped the fabric of their robes to steady themselves. The robes He Xuan had given them. "Maybe there was no way forward for you but to ruin everything for us," they said, voice wavering. "Maybe we deserved that. But you didn't have to be so deliberately cruel. You know better than anyone what it was like for me to face the Reverend of Empty Words. For me to...to watch my brother die. I s-still have nightmares about that place. About what you did."
They took a series of short breaths, overcome, and waited for He Xuan's response. Assuming he'd actually give one, and not just change the subject, or come up with some way to turn the accusation back on Shi Qingxuan.
He Xuan closed his eyes, brows lowered as if in pain. And then he said, "I'm sorry."
There was no mistaking it this time. Shi Qingxuan stared at He Xuan in blank astonishment. "What?"
"You're right, there was no need to be so cruel. Especially not to you. I apologise." His whole face was tense, like he had to force out the words.
"Oh," said Shi Qingxuan. The tension that had gripped their body evaporated, and they felt their hands release the tight grip on the fabric bunched between their fingers. "Um. Thank you."
In two hundred years, Shi Qingxuan had never seen He Xuan sincerely apologise for anything. They had never seen him talk about his past except in anger, never seen him show even a fraction of the honesty he had chosen to reveal to them today.
They realised they must have been reading him wrong all morning. He Xuan never did anything in haste, without thinking it through. His silence hadn't been anger, or distress. It had been him working through his feelings, his words, despite two centuries of pain and repression telling him to keep it all inside.
How difficult had it been for him, to show this much vulnerability? How much must he trust and value Shi Qingxuan, to choose them out of everyone to express himself to, after all this time?
And why had he chosen to do so now? He'd said there was a reason. Had nearly losing Shi Qingxuan shaken him up, the way nearly losing He Xuan had done to Shi Qingxuan, made him aware of feelings he hadn't wanted to admit? Not romantic feelings, in his case, but ones of guilt, of regret for words unsaid.
Thinking that He Xuan might be gone had torn Shi Qingxuan's heart to shreds. Had He Xuan felt the same way?
"He Xuan," they said, "I really want to hug you right now. Is that alright?"
He Xuan glared down at them. "Since when do you ask my permission?"
"Since-" They realised that wasn't a real question, but his way of saying 'hug me'.
They started to awkwardly pull themself up but just ended up banging their bad leg against the table. They let out a curse and rubbed their knee. "You're going to have to come to me," they said. "Since somebody made this table super low."
He Xuan looked at them for a moment without moving, like he was reconsidering the decision to allow himself to be hugged. Then he let out a long suffering sigh and shifted around the table to sit down next to Shi Qingxuan.
"Don't pretend you don't want this," said Shi Qingxuan, putting their arms around him. "I give the best hugs and you know it."
He sighed again, even less convincingly, and Shi Qingxuan laughed and snuggled against him. His robes were soft and felt nice against their hands as they wrapped their arms around his bony chest.
Everything about him felt nice. He wasn't making himself especially warm, but he wasn't cold, either, and the lack of heat was refreshing on such a warm day. He smelled cleaner than any living person could, like spices and salt.
"I'm so glad we got here," they said, leaning their head against him. "That we're able to be real friends again." And because I value this friendship, they thought, I'm not going to squeeze your butt, even though it's right there and I bet it would feel really great. Luckily the rest of him felt pretty great, too, and there was no harm in quietly appreciating how his body felt in their arms. Hoping there would also be no harm in poking him a little, they said, "I've never seen you so honest and open before. Not that I'm complaining, but is there a particular reason?"
He Xuan didn't reply. Well, it was too much to expect him to be honest and open all the time.
They smiled up at him, trying not to get distracted by how strikingly handsome his face was up close. "Is this because you thought I was dead, and realised how much you'd miss me?" They laughed. "I should almost die more often."
"Fuck you," said He Xuan. Was that a yes?
Shi Qingxuan laughed again, feeling cared for and happy.
And then. He Xuan hugged Shi Qingxuan back.
They didn't realise what he was doing at first. The motion wasn't tentative, He Xuan never did anything tentatively, but it was subtle, a light brush of his hands against their back, so soft it could have been the wind. And then, just as they were wondering if it was the wind, his hands drew closer, resting gently against their back.
It was hardly the first time Shi Qingxuan had felt He Xuan's hands upon their body, but before there'd always been some excuse: helping them when they were injured, play-fighting, and so forth. But this...this was unambiguously, undeniably, a hug.
Albeit, not much of a hug. He was holding himself back, and they could feel the tension within him, like a crouching deer ready to bolt at the first sign of danger.
"It's alright," they said, softly. "I won't break."
"I could break you with a flick of my fingers," said He Xuan.
"But you won't." And they knew He Xuan could feel it, how safe they felt, free of even a hint of fear.
For a few breaths, He Xuan stayed as he was. Then his arms smoothly tightened around them, like the coils of a snake, until Shi Qingxuan was held as snugly within his arms as he was within their theirs. Shi Qingxuan's chest filled with warmth as He Xuan's hands pulled them close, fingers buried into the folds of their robes. They reached up through the smooth, cool curtain of his hair to cradle his neck, rubbing their thumb against the delicate line of his spine. He Xuan rested his head on their shoulder and let out a long breath.
They stayed like that for a long while. For once, Shi Qingxuan felt no need to fill the silence.