Shi Qingxuan took a deep breath, finally feeling able to speak. The warmth in He Xuan's eyes didn't last long, quickly fading to a more typical empty flatness. But he still had his hand on top of their head, and it was both deeply comforting and very confusing. "I have every reason to be afraid," they grumbled, though their mood at this point was more jittery than truly scared. "This whole situation is terrifying!"
"I know," said He Xuan. His hand twitched, and then fell back to his side. Shi Qingxuan immediately missed it.
"Of course you know," said Shi Qingxuan. "You can sense how nervous I am. I don't know why I even bothered to try and hide it..."
"Yes, I feel your fear," said He Xuan. "But I feel how afraid I am, too."
"You're afraid?" they said, staring dubiously at He Xuan's now entirely cool and calm expression. "You don't look it."
"I'm a better liar."
They peered at his face and he looked away, frowning. "I suppose I can't argue with that..." At first glance he didn't seem any less calm than usual. But after a little closer attention they could sense a restless energy under the surface of his unruffled exterior. There was tension around his mouth and his fists were clenched tight. "Ah," they said. "I see it now. I suppose I was too caught up in my own feelings to notice yours."
"Hardly a first."
"So you're nervous too..." They smiled to themself. "The terrifying deadly Ghost King is scared of little old Shi Qingxuan, hmm?"
He Xuan's frown deepened. Poor thing. He did so hate being vulnerable.
Not that Shi Qingxuan liked it much either. But scary things were always easier with company.
They still didn't entirely understand what He Xuan wanted from them, or what he was trying to express. But they felt closer to him than they ever had in all the years they'd known each other, and He Xuan seemed to be trying, in his way, to bring them closer still. And knowing that he was afraid too...they weren't facing this alone. They could be brave, if He Xuan was standing by their side.
He Xuan usually found being touched the opposite of comforting, but tonight was far from usual. Shi Qingxuan reached out to grab his hand, and he passively let them pull it towards them. And when they squeezed his fingers, he squeezed back.
"And you're scared...for the same reason as me," said Shi Qingxuan, running their thumb over the back of his hand.
"Who knows," said He Xuan.
"Because...because you care about what I think of you."
"Truly, it defies all reason," said He Xuan. His hand clenched between their fingers. Shi Qingxuan felt warmth bloom in their chest. Whether or not his feelings were the same as Shi Qingxuan's, he still valued their friendship, and worried about how it might be affected by change.
"But you know," said Shi Qingxuan. "You know how I feel about you!"
"Yes," said He Xuan, "You are an open book."
Shi Qingxuan tilted their head at him silently, confused.
"I know that you felt nothing for me for over a hundred years," said He Xuan, bitterly. "I know that you are still shaken from a close call with death, and grateful for my assistance. I know that you yourself have said any feelings you may have are temporary." His hand clenched around theirs, almost painful. "And I know that whenever I draw closer to you, you pull away in fear."
"Th-that's not..."
"Which part of what I said is untrue?"
"All-" He Xuan raised an eyebrow. "W-well...technically...none of it is entirely untrue. But I still..." The words stuck in their throat. Was that really how things seemed to He Xuan? "You have to know I'm not afraid of you," they said. "Not really. Not any more. I'm just afraid...afraid of how you feel about me. Or how you will feel about me. Even if you like me now you might get sick of me, or frustrated, or...uh...not that you do like me now! Necessarily! Ahahaha..."
They managed to shut themself up before they said anything worse, and waited for He Xuan's reaction. Except, of course, there wasn't one. Ugh!
"D-do you?" they asked, "Um. Like me? Is that...is that what we're talking about? Or have I horribly misunderstood and you hate me now hahaha..."
He Xuan paused for far longer than Shi Qingxuan would have liked before saying, "No more than normal."
"Heh, that's a relief." They stopped. "Wait, you don't hate me more than normal or you don't like me more than normal?"
He Xuan just stared at them flatly, like they were the one being difficult. But it was definitely him! He was being very difficult, and he was very very lucky that Shi Qingxuan was in love with him enough to put up with it!
"I, um..." said Shi Qingxuan, extracting each word like pulling out a tooth, "...in case it wasn't clear, somehow. I do..uh..." They squinted their eyes half shut, afraid to see his reaction but also desperate to know. "I do like you. I really like you, He Xuan. And not just as a friend."
He Xuan paused even longer this time. He paused so long that Shi Qingxuan eventually realised he wasn't going to reply at all.
"Come on," they said, voice rising. "Doesn't that get some sort of reaction?!"
"What reaction would you like?"
"Something! Any-...well, no not anything haha. Um. Just...tell me how you feel. Does it make you happy? Sad? What do you think of me?"
"You want to know what I think of you," said He Xuan, apparently unmoved even with Shi Qingxuan shouting in his face.
"Yes!" said Shi Qingxuan. "Um. I think. Unless it's something bad. Wait, no, even if it is something bad! Just tell me."
"Fine," said He Xuan. "I..." A hint of what might have been nervousness flickered across his face, and he shifted his focus to a point somewhere on the ceiling. But his voice was even and clear. "I accept you. Whatever happens. Whatever you say, or do." He looked back down and met their eyes. "Shi Qingxuan, I accept you for everything you are, and have been, and will be."
Shi Qingxuan's heart stopped. The two of them shared a moment of wordless communication, and Shi Qingxuan felt truly seen. Seen, and accepted, despite all their flaws and inadequacies, despite centuries of ignorance and pain.
It felt childish to respond with "But do you like me?" And the fact that He Xuan had avoided answering the question was something of an answer in itself.
"Whatever happens, huh?" they said, with a wobbly smile, warm and bittersweet. "I guess we have already seen the worst of each other, haha."
He Xuan shook his head. "You have not seen the worst of me."
"Uh." He could be worse?
"It is my intention that you never will."
"Oh," said Shi Qingxuan. "Well, good! Because I don't want to see it! Not that I don't accept you too." They interlaced their fingers with his, running the pad of their thumb against the long hard edge of one of his nails. "Even all the scary, awful parts. I accept them as a part of you." They smiled. "But I like it more when you're nice."
"Do you?" said He Xuan. And then he reached across with his other hand and ran a fingernail down the side of Shi Qingxuan's throat, eyes burning with intense focus, like Shi Qingxuan was the only thing in the world.
Shi Qingxuan pulled back, putting a hand to their neck. "I...you! How are you so shy and so forward at the same time?!"
"I might ask the same question."
"I...I have my reasons!"
"So do I."
Shi Qingxuan rubbed their hand over the skin of their throat. It tingled and felt hot.
"You are very confusing," they said, leaning out of hand's reach while their heart thundered and their mind spun in circles.
"Are my intentions not clear?"
"Ha..." said Shi Qingxuan. "Your intentions...no, I think I have those figured out haha."
He Xuan's intentions were so clear they could almost feel it, the intensity of his gaze making their skin heat like a phantom caress.
"And yours?" He Xuan peered at them impatiently, like Shi Qingxuan was taking too long to decide where to go for lunch instead of about...they shied away from naming it, even in their own mind. It felt like they stood at the edge of an abyss, and there would be no escape from it once they fell.
He Xuan already had their heart. Once they gave him their body there might be nothing of them left.
"M-mine? Hahahaha. Um...you're really putting me on the spot here He Xuan! I've barely had a chance to get used to seeing you be so...so..." sexy "f-forward!"
"Hmm," said He Xuan, with a sour little twist of his lips. "Very well."
There was a sudden noise, and Shi Qingxuan jumped in their seat. The door opened and servants came in to clear away the remaining seafood, now cold, and replace it with plates of noodles, vegetables, and meat.
"Uh," said Shi Qingxuan.
He Xuan said nothing, instead piling a ridiculous quantity of food onto his plate before silently beginning to eat.
They hadn't even meant to reject He Xuan, not in any final way. They'd just needed time to think! But of course He Xuan had taken that moment of hesitation as a conclusive 'no'. And now he was upset with them. Wonderful!
Well, they had plenty of time to think now. Not that they felt remotely capable of thought, their mind consumed with a million different competing feelings.
Shi Qingxuan wasn't really hungry, they'd already eaten far more than usual today and anxiety had unsettled their stomach. But with nothing else to do, they let out a little sigh and put a small amount of food onto their own plate. Even this turned out to be a bit much, and they only managed a few bites before being forced to put down their chopsticks.
He Xuan was, of course, still eating. It was apparently up to Shi Qingxuan to keep the conversation going. Well, fine!
Of course He Xuan would feel embarrassed and awkward, having just had his advances rebuffed. This was possibly the first time he'd hit on anyone ever, and he must have thought Shi Qingxuan was a sure bet. It must have been a pretty big blow to his pride. It was up to Shi Qingxuan to make it clear that they still liked him, and that they could still be friends.
And maybe, once that was all settled, they could figure out if they wanted the two of them to be anything more. It seemed ridiculous to pursue He Xuan for so long and then balk at the last because they liked him too much.
But that was a problem for later. Much later, once their heart had stopped feeling like it was torn in every direction at once, and He Xuan had stopped looking like every bite he shovelled into his mouth was made of ash.
"This pork is really good!" they said.
He Xuan kept eating.
"I didn't notice any pigs in your garden, did you import it?"
"If it's so good why aren't you eating?"
"Um..." Shi Qingxuan looked down at the food on their plate, wondering if they could manage another bite for politeness's sake. But the thought made their stomach twist unpleasantly. "It's very good! Really! But I'm not hungry any more. Sorry. You gave me so much food earlier, and I-"
"Then do you wish to return home?"
Shi Qingxuan dropped their chopsticks with a clatter. "No!" Ugh! That was too much! Rein in your feelings, Shi Qingxuan! "Um. D-do you want me to go home?"
He Xuan shrugged.
"Are you...He Xuan, I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings? Or um...do you not want...not want to be f-friends if I..."
"Did I ever say we were friends?"
Shi Qingxuan's sucked in a little shocked, sad breath. "No..." They'd assumed that He Xuan didn't care about all this enough for their rejection to cause anything more than a temporary awkwardness. But maybe they'd been wrong. Maybe, in trying to save their friendship, they had destroyed it.
"An oversight," said He Xuan, looking down at his plate.
They took a moment to process what he'd said, then their eyes widened and they felt their face stretch into a huge grin. He Xuan kept his eyes downward, like he was too embarrassed to look up. It was so endearing Shi Qingxuan could barely stand it.
"He Xuan!" They stood up and strode over towards him, holding out their arms. "Give me a hug!"
He Xuan frowned up at them and didn't move. They leaned over and put their arms around him, squishing him as tight as they could. "Ahhh, I'm so happy! You said we were friends!" They snuggled their face into his neck and then looked down at him. "Say it again!"
Having He Xuan call them his friend was delightful enough in and of itself. But he had chosen to say it now, when they had just rejected him. Because he cared more about reassuring them of their lasting friendship than he did about his pride. Nothing between them had changed for the worse, only for the better.
Ironically, having He Xuan react so well to being rejected just made him more attractive. If their friendship could survive Shi Qingxuan saying no...maybe it could also survive them saying yes.
"Don't make me regret it," muttered He Xuan. Even his grumpy muttering was sexy.
"Say! It! Again!" repeated Shi Qingxuan, punctuating each word with an extra squish. "And hug me back! There's no pretending you're not capable of it now!"
He Xuan put his arms around them, wearing an expression of miserable resentment that sent Shi Qingxuan into a bout of delighted laughter.
"Now say we're friends!" they repeated, trying not to wobble while maintaining the uncomfortable angle. They felt He Xuan's arms around them silently tighten and take part of their weight which just made them squish him even tighter, buoyant with affection.
"Hmmph," said He Xuan.
"Say it!"
"Or what?"
"Or...or nothing! Say it because it's true and you like me and we're friends!"
"I never said I liked you," said He Xuan.
"But you do!" said Shi Qingxuan. They'd doubted it for a moment there, but now they were sure. "You like me so much!"
"Such humility."
"Are you going to deny it?"
He didn't reply, but the irritated pout on his face was better than any words could have been. They wanted to kiss those cute pouting lips so much!
Was there any reason not to? Any reason beyond the fact that it would probably just make them fall in love with him even more...
They buried their face into his shoulder. "Ahhh He Xuan," they wailed. "I like you so much!"
"Mmm," said He Xuan.
"You like me," they said. Even if his like was not the same as theirs, he clearly cared a lot. "And you're my friend. And you accept everything about me. Including..." they took a breath, "including how much I like you."
"Mmm," said He Xuan, a little more softly.
"And you...maybe...want..."
They both remained silent.
I could leave now. I should leave now. If I do this, he's going to break my heart, and I will only have myself to blame.
They skimmed one hand up He Xuan's back and up onto his neck. He Xuan stayed very still.
"You want this."
Shi Qingxuan kissed him.