A/N: Hey there :) I really loved 9x03 and rewatched it today, so I needed to get some thoughts out on paper. I hope you like it :)
Take the words for what they are: a dwindling mercurial high, a drug that only worked the first few hundred times.
"Hey."
Hailey looked up from her coffee at Kim walking into the break room, "Hey, morning."
"Morning," Kim smiled. She held up a piece of paper, "Makayla was busy last night." She grabbed a Chicago flag magnet and stuck the drawing of a police car to the fridge.
Hailey laughed softly, "That's cute."
"Yeah," Kim leaned against the table, "So, I was talking with Adam last night too and we were wondering how Jay was."
Hailey raised an eyebrow and turned to properly face her, "What do you mean?"
"Hailey, we saw him this last week, he was pretty angry," Kim said, "And we've also known him for a while and it's pretty rare he brings up stuff about the army, so is everything okay?"
"He's," Hailey sucked in a breath, "He's fine." Closing her eyes for just a second, she sipped her coffee.
"I need to shower and wash this day off," Jay stood shaking the stress from his head, "Actually, scratch that, I need to wash this week off. You wanna join?"
Hailey smiled and sat up on her knees to gather their garbage, "I'll meet you in there."
Jay nodded and reached down for the blanket she was on, but she grabbed his wrist.
"I'll do it," she said softly, "Go shower, okay?"
"Thanks," Jay dropped a kiss to her head before walking toward the bathroom while undoing his belt.
Hailey took a deep breath and rubbed her face before cleaning up their mini picnic.
When she entered the bathroom a few minutes the later, the steam was beginning to fill the room from the hot water Jay was standing under. She slipped her clothes off then stepped in the shower behind him.
Rubbing her hand over his back, she said softly, "Little hot for you, isn't it?"
Jay jumped at her touch and glanced over his shoulder, "Sorry, what?"
"It's pretty hot," Hailey leaned around him to turn on cooler water.
"Uh, yeah," Jay cleared his throat, "Just trying to forget."
Hailey slowly nodded before steadying herself against his arms and pushing up to kiss him lightly. She brushed her thumb over his cheek, "Forget what?"
"Just…" he trailed off and shook his head.
Hailey nodded. She reached up to run her fingers through his hair, "Like I said, we don't have to talk about it."
"I know," Jay said quietly.
Hailey lightly scratched the back of his neck and tilted her head to the side before slipping her hands down his arms. She tangled their fingers together then shrugged.
"Forget with me?" Jay asked as he released her hand to tuck her damp hair behind her ear.
"I don't think now's the right time for that," Hailey breathed, "But I'm not going anywhere, Jay, and I promise you that."
Jay nodded and took a deep breath, "Probably right."
Hailey smiled a little, "I like when you say that."
Jay laughed, "Noted."
Hailey pressed up to kiss him again, "I love you. I mean it."
He nodded slightly, "I love you too."
"Shower then bed," Hailey slid her free hand up to brush her thumb over his bottom lip.
Jay glanced up toward the water still falling upon them, "Halfway there."
Hailey laughed and bent down to pass him his shampoo.
"Yeah?" Kim raised an eyebrow, "He was fine?"
Hailey sighed, "It's the best word, okay? He obviously wasn't great. It bothered him more than he let on, but he explained the nickname and Knox and that was that for the talking part."
Kim slowly nodded, "Nightmares?"
Jay rubbed his face before laying back with a sigh, "Don't shoot me, but I don't think I'm gonna sleep."
Hailey tried to laugh as she slipped his white t-shirt on, "It's okay, I don't mind."
"You haven't been sleeping either, have you?" Jay asked.
Hailey shrugged and sat on the edge of the mattress.
"Hailey," Jay put a hand out, "Talk to me."
"Might just be that time of the month," she said quietly.
Jay raised an eyebrow then laughed, "What?"
Hailey held back a smile and nodded.
"No," Jay looked up at the ceiling, "That's not a thing. I'm not a girl, but I've met a few. That's not a thing."
"You've met a few?" Hailey crossed her arms.
Jay rolled into his side to face her, "Babe."
She smirked and put her hand in his.
"I didn't mean it like that," Jay chuckled, "I just meant that you've never complained about not sleeping because of that."
"Not at all what you meant, but okay," Hailey laughed and stood up, "I do have tea though and it should help calm you down."
"You really believe in that?" Jay asked.
"Melatonin is an actual drug, Jay," Hailey said, "It works."
He bit his lip over a smile, "Okay."
"Do you want it or not?" Hailey sighed.
"I'll try," Jay nodded, "Thank you."
Soon enough, they were both sitting in bed slowly drinking Hailey's new bedtime tea. It wasn't until they finished it that Jay yawned.
"Just a coincidence," he said.
"Mhmm," Hailey laughed softly. She took his empty mug from him to place on his bedside table, "Did you want to talk about decorating this place soon?"
"Sure," Jay laid back with his hands behind his head.
Hailey put her own mug down then settled into his side. She rested her hand over his heart, "Try to slow your breathing. It's been helping me."
"Kay," Jay said softly, "What kind of stuff did you want to decorate with?"
"Pictures of our families?" Hailey suggested.
"I like that one picture of you when you were little," Jay chuckled, "You were so blonde."
"You want that picture hanging on our walls?" Hailey asked.
"Right here," Jay nodded toward his side table. He closed his eyes, "You're cute."
Hailey smiled and reached up to kiss his jaw, "Thank you."
"Is there one of me you like?" Jay asked.
"Oh," Hailey hummed, "If we're talking baby pictures, that one of you dressed like Batman is super cute."
"I looked good," Jay laughed.
"You did," Hailey smiled and rubbed her thumb over his bare skin, "Recently, though, I like this one of you in your blackout gear. I guess I'm in it too, but you're laughing and I like it a lot."
Jay smiled and reached for his phone with the arm not wrapped around Hailey, "Show me?"
"No, we're trying to sleep, remember?" Hailey grabbed his arm, "Eyes closed again."
"Fine," Jay let out a breath. He stayed silent for a few minutes and Hailey thought he'd fallen asleep until he whispered, "I used to imagine the water when I was over there."
Hailey opened her eyes and looked up at his face to see him staring at the ceiling again.
"Just how it'd look with the waves," Jay continued softly and put his hand up to slowly swish it back and forth, "Like this…just back and forth on the sand over and over and over."
Hailey nodded and rubbed her hand in a slow circle.
"It helped," Jay breathed, "But nothing could help that night with Knox. I couldn't…I couldn't turn it off. Do you ever get that way?"
Hailey swallowed then nodded.
"Sucks," Jay breathed. He tightened his hold on her, "At least I'm here now with you."
Hailey licked her lips, "Yeah."
"Always," Jay grabbed Hailey's left hand and brushed his thumb over her ring finger.
Hailey squeezed her eyes shut.
"I love you," Jay kissed the top of her head, "Thank you for being here."
"I love you too," Hailey breathed, "Now relax, okay? It helps if you stay quiet and don't move."
"Mhmm," Jay yawned.
"Go to sleep," Hailey whispered, "I'm right here and I'm not…I'm not going anywhere."
"No," Hailey shook her head, "No, just took him a while to shut off."
"Makes sense," Kim nodded, "And you?"
Hailey raised an eyebrow, "Me?"
Kim smiled slightly, "Yeah. You. I saw your face when he was undercover and said he'd been to group before and when they called him Ricky. How're you holding up?"
"Oh," Hailey shrugged and gripped her coffee mug, "I'm okay. It really…really wasn't anything. I understand he has bad memories and PTSD and that he doesn't want to talk about all of that. Who would?"
"Right," Kim tilted her head to the side. She breathed in then said softly, "It's okay to worry about him."
A ghost of a smile crossed Hailey's face and she looked down, "I know."
"Did you want to talk about it?" Kim asked.
Hailey shook her head and glanced up, "I'm okay, thanks, though."
"Anytime," Kim nodded, "We need to stick together, right?"
Hailey laughed, "Right. Thank you."
"Course," Kim smiled. She was about to turn away when she hesitated and said, "You two are good together and I know you'll help him through whatever's going on just like how he would help you if the roles were reversed."
Hailey smiled back and nodded. Kim waved before walking out.
The smile faded from Hailey's face and she turned back to the counter to take a deep breath.
She hoped Jay would stay by her side if she ever told him what was going on with her.