Take Two Round Two

by Third Fang

What do you get when you cross several interdimensional god like beings, raw boredom, a world of Naruto that went wrong, several years worth of off screen training, common sense, insanity, humor, sarcasm, the Log, explosions, plot, and overall chaos? Apparently a lot of headache medicine for Tsunade. May the Games Begin. Sequel to Yet Again With A Little Extra Help.

43. Chapter 42

Chapter Forty Two: So many summits. So many bad puns

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters, or any references in this story. If I did, horrible things would happen. Neither do I own any other anime that I reference. I do own all OC's and new Jutsu in the story as well as every ounce of pure awesome spawned by this.

o. o. o.

It was a beautiful day outside.

"SEEEEEEEXXXXX!"

So of course one of the Oogakari had to ruin it.

It was Ghost's turn this time.

"Such a lovely day, isn't it Hana?" Anko drawled sensually as she laid herself out on a beach chair wearing nothing but sling bikini that didn't even qualify as barely covering her body from the world.

"It is indeed Anko." Hana sighed languidly, wearing nothing but a black thong as she laid face down on the ground and tanned her body without any shame.

Both women pretended to not notice their boyfriend, who was desperately crawling towards them with his hands like a man dying of thirst while his feet were tied together with an unidentifiable red material that seemed to be stretching and pulling him back.

But Ghost was a determined madman. Insane. Focused. And extremely blue balled.

"Must. Sex. NOWWWW." Even with his glasses on, anyone could tell that his pupils were dilated to pinpricks with a thousand yard stare as his blood pumped, and mouth frothed in an insanity driven attempt to get his hands on his girlfriends and get laid.

"He's so cute when he's desperate." Anko purred sensually, not at all trying to hide the fact that she was enjoying his misery.

A short distance away, Kiba appeared with Akamaru. "Hey sis I…" He paused and looked at the show in front of him and groaned as if he had seen something like this countless times before. "This some new kink you three are trying out?"

"New?" Anko blinked in confusion.

"Coitus!"

"Just a moment." Hana sighed before molding a little bit of earth chakra into the ground and dislodging the dirt that Ghost had been latching onto. An instant later, the man's grip on the ground had been rendered useless, and the tether stretched on his legs literally ripped him back to his house screaming bloody murder.

"That never gets old." Anko giggled.

"I didn't know you knew Earth style." Kiba noted.

"Just started when I got back. Can't do much more than that right now. Anyways, dear brother. If you haven't noticed, that," Hana lazily pointed to an easily ignorable line just a few meters or so in front of her, "is the borderline of the Oogakari property, and said Oogakari are still under house arrest. And thanks to a bit of haggling with Crypt, we made sure that rules apply more strictly for Ghost."

"You haggled with Crypt? How the hell did you do that?" Kiba blinked in confusion.

"We gave him a potato and said we stole it from the floor." Anko shrugged. "Jerk thought he could scam us and make us pay with ginseng and a turnip. At this time of year? I think not."

"I… am more disturbed that I can easily accept that explanation than I am of the explanation itself."

"Give it time Kiba. You'll fall apart like everyone else eventually." Hana grinned.

"For mom's sake, eventually better be after I turn old and senile." Kiba shook his head.

"Not until mom passes away?"

"You know damn well she'll outlive us all just to spite us sis."

"Fair enough."

"HAMEGNBHEMABHERMAHAAAAAA!"

It was at that moment that Ghost seemingly teleported right in front of everyone with the grace and dignity of a rabid honey badger in mid strike, his body in midair and his arms flailing about wildly in an attempt to get a hold of Anko and Hana. Unfortunately, Crypt's tethers held strong and prevented him from making the last stretch.

A normal person would have screamed and jumped away as if they were in a horror movie.

The three shinobi on the other hand just glanced at him for a moment before returning to their conversation.

"I thought that Ghost was tripping balls with the others out at the front of the property." Kiba asked in a completely calm and conversational tone.

"Do you really think that they're beyond bending time and space to exist in multiple places at once for the sole purpose of getting blitzed while doing mountain loads of important work that they don't want to do?"

… No, no he did not.

"So, why exactly are you doing this again?" Kiba asked skeptically, pointedly changing the topic of conversation.

"Other than the fact that Hana and I finally got the okay to start working out in earnest again and we wanted some time to tan our already flawless skin?" Anko purred as she arced her body in a way that revealed more of her figure and underscored the fact that she had slathered tanning oil all over herself. "We're torturing Ghost. Obviously."

"ASDF!"

"More specifically, we're torturing him in a way that won't cause any collateral, financial, or societal damage to the village in the aftermath." Hana chuckled as said torture victim held himself in place this time by literally grabbing at the air itself. Being the guy that had taught Naruto the Seventh Sense in the first place, it actually made sense that he could do such a ridiculous thing.

Well, that explains why the ANBU and security told him to follow the screaming when he asked where his sister was.

"When you put it like that…" Kiba looked around curiously. "You upwind of him so he can smell the fact that you're aroused?" Superpowers plus being blind plus overactive sex drive plus unofficial mates feeling randy equals…

"GHAAAAAAA! MUST! SNUU SNUU!"

That.

"How do you think he found us?"

"Just checking." Overpowered super-god his ass.

"So what brings you over to this twisted neck of the woods kid?" Anko lounged as if nothing was wrong. "Get a whiff of us and decided to let your instincts run wild finally?"

"Even if I was deranged, I'd still not be fucked up enough to be willingly in the crosshairs of that." Kiba turned to see Ghost wildly gnawing at his legs to free himself like some wild animal.

"Hmmm. True. I guess that's why you're still the pup of the family." Hana grinned, pushing her ass up in the air to make it stick out more.

"Sis, I actually do care enough about mom to not do that to her." Kiba rolled his eyes and not falling for her provocation. Not that it would have worked in the first place.

One of the lesser known facts about the Inuzuka clan was that they took annual trips off into the forests in the buff to get closer to their companions and nature. The clan weren't sages, and only a couple had access to the clan summon contract, but suffice to say that they all had vastly closer and more comfortable ties to their primal instincts than most.

That said, Kiba would be lying if he said that smelling any of his family members in heat, much less his sister, wouldn't affect him if he was caught off guard or exposed long enough. If he didn't hurry he'd have to make a trip to the red light district before the sun went down.

"Anyways, Ibiki and the hospital are looking for you two." He got back on track.

The two women's smiles dropped instantly and were accompanied by a stereo of annoyed groans.

"Again?" Anko facepalmed. "I thought Tsunade set up the staff to be competent while she was gone."

"She did, but outside of sis and Waltz, all the top medics are out of the country much less the village, and you are still the top toxicologist here by that logic as well." Kiba shrugged.

"Please don't tell me some idiot stabbed himself in the scrotum with a poisoned kunai during training again." Hana groaned, dropping her head on the ground, her body language lacking any sense of sensuality and arousal that had been there just moments earlier.

Ever since the disaster in Iwa, all the villages had been on lockdown to some extent. Only high priority missions, political envoys, essentials, and border security allowed shinobi outside of the village. Everyone else were to stay inside Konoha territory and wait until further notice.

This of course, led to many shinobi to be on edge for one reason or another. Ninja were a paranoid lot on average after all. So, as expected, the training grounds around the village had been in high use over the past month and a half.

And, well, murder machines or not, people tended to screw up every now and then learning new tricks.

"No. We found a spy. He tried to kill himself when we caught him hovering around the Uzumaki estate with some sort of poison we still can't pin down, but ironically Naruto's supposed cousin Karin managed to jump in and keep him alive with that odd jutsu of hers. Enough to keep the guy around long enough to purge most of the poison, but he's still in rough shape and unresponsive."

"Of course. Well, at least it's something different." Hana huffed and began to get up, not at all bothering to hide her chest from the world. "Two to one odds its Kusa. They did say that Karin came from there, and the poison fits their style. There aren't many specialists that can waste something that our usual medics can't accurately identify on some generic spy."

"Who knows? Might be some idiot that got lucky and found one of Orochimaru's hidden labs again." Anko sighed as she also stood up.

"NO! NO LEAVE! SEXY STAY! SEXY STAY AND SEX! MUST SEX! SEX NOW!" Ghost, predictably, objected to their departure.

"Is there something I'm missing, because he seems more desperate to get laid than normal." Kiba asked the two women as they gathered their things and got dressed.

"That? Nah. He just misses us." Anko waved off Kiba's concern.

"That and he's been working nonstop on one thing or another since Iwa. He's actually on his lunch break, which should be…"

A bell like chime was heard in the distance.

"Over now." Hana smiled like a devil as Ghost's face turned a transparent pale.

"NO! NOT YET! NO MORE WORK! STILL NEED SEX! MUST SEX!"

"Big broooooother." Coming from a slit of darkness right under the madman, a chorus of voices and shadows reached up and slowly embraced him, tying him down to his fate. "Come back brother. We still have much work to doooo."

"NO! BUT THE SEX! THE SEEEEEEEEEX!" Ghost's wailing and thrashing amounted to nothing as he was slowly dragged down into the void between worlds and vanished from reality altogether.

"…"

"…"

"…"

Anko clapped her hands together. "Well. Now that we're done giving Ghost false hope for the day, let's get onto making some poor idiot better so we can make him worse, shall we?"

"Might as well." Hana put on her top with a sigh before shifting her shoulders a bit. She really needed to get to Shadow about those pocket dimension bras one of these days. It was a pain getting clothes that weren't recently stretched or re-stretched to fit right.

"… How often have you to been doing this to him?" Kiba deadpanned.

"Twice a week at first, but that was mostly because we were still recovering. Unfortunately, we had to stop for that month we were in Suna to help with the refugee crisis, but once our replacements finally came to cover for us two weeks ago and we came back, we've been making up for lost time." Anko gave him a cheesy thumbs up with far too much enthusiasm. "Now we torture him every day!"

They even managed to rope in Shizune into their madness one day for the hell of it. The poor woman was exhausted from her work in Iwa and had returned with them to Konoha to report in person to Tsunade, only to make another long trip a few days later.

She was clearly embarrassed and out of place in her almost modest one piece suit that day, but she needed the confidence boost something fierce.

And it wasn't as if Ghost was going to hold it against them, or remember Shizune's participation in his suffering for that matter. Poor bastard was too far gone into his blue balls to remember much these days.

"On the bright side, all the time outdoors' done wonders for our skin and complexion." Hana absently inspected her tan skin while recalling how pale they were when they were rescued a couple months back. "On a side note, did the spy manage to hurt anyone before getting caught?"

"No. He was pinned down and drained dry pretty quickly by Shino before he had a chance to do anything other than try to kill himself." Kiba shrugged.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME!"

"Well that does seem to be the trend today." Anko clipped on her skirt before shouldering her coat while ignoring Ghost's shouting for sweet release in the background. "Screaming for the sweet release of death. Then silence. Then more screaming."

"Think the guys at the Summit will have any better luck than us?" Hana asked, getting the last of her things together.

"Is blonde mini-Ghost still likely stuck with his stalker?" Anko asked back.

"Most likely." Kiba shrugged, not at all offended or confused by her description of Naruto and Hinata.

"There's your answer."

"We really should have put more effort into keeping her away from you." Hana almost lamented. Almost.

"Yeah. You should." Anko grinned. "Well then. Shall we?"

"Make someone else suffer instead of me for a short amount of time? Lets." Kiba metaphorically threw in the towel. Things always tended to get crazier the closer they got to the Oogakari household, and only those that thrived on it seemed to not get exhausted by it. Fortunately he was not among that crowd.

"Hana, you set?" Anko glanced at her comrade in arms.

The elder Inuzuka took the time to adjust a new ring on her left hand for a moment before walking forward. "All set."

Anko absently brushed a ring on her own left hand with her thumb before turning around. "All right. I've pre-gamed enough with Ghost, but it seems I'm going to have to settle with a different victim of the day. Lucky him."

o. o. o.

Naruto hissed for a moment as Hinata massaged his back, her hands glowing with chakra and her doujutsu activated so she could attend to the parts of his body that needed the most aid without causing any harm.

"I've been meaning to ask, how long are you going to be in such shit shape? Shouldn't your healing factor be kicking in stronger by now?" Sasuke asked from the other side of the room they were using during their stay in Iron.

It had taken them over a week to get to enjoy the hospitality of the samurai, and it would have been longer had Naruto not been continuously and conveniently manipulating the weather and temperature around everyone to make the trip vastly more bearable. Even the Daimyo, who was unused to traveling at shinobi level speeds could tell that their progress was faster than anticipated.

That said, they had only arrived a half a day after the groups from Kumo and Kiri did, and it had been agreed upon to hold the summit meeting tomorrow when everyone was rested and proper fed.

"Gotta keep my chakra flowing evenly so it adapts properly to all the biju juice running in me. My coils and body could be damaged permanently if I overdo it. Honestly, if my body wasn't naturally adapted to running the Seventh Sense automatically, I wouldn't be able to even use that, let alone anything other than transform into a plushie."

It really was fortunate that Naruto was capable of using the chakra he stored in the air to perform jutsu and let his body rest. Sure the range of techniques he had was limited, but it was enough to defend himself, vent the excess chakra in his body, and make certain tasks much easier for everyone.

"And how much longer will it take for you to do anything other than that?"

"Depends how much rest I get." Naruto gave his friend a tired smile. "If I was stuck in the hospital, I think I'd get past the worst of it in about a month, but with this trip? Might be two or more."

"That long?" Sasuke frowned.

Shizune walked into the room accompanied by the Daimyo. "According to Tsunade-sama, Naruto by all rights should be bedridden. The damage he currently has should cripple anyone else at best and kill them at worst."

"I'm a glass cannon littered with micro fractures." Naruto shrugged before flinching from the pain the action gave him.

"I do hope you don't say as much during the meeting. You are supposed to portray a certain bare minimum of confidence there, Uzumaki-san." The Daimyo chuckled with his fan in front of his mouth.

"I have confidence in spades. It's my body that's falling apart that's the problem." Naruto grimaced as Hinata tended to another major chakra vein between his left lung and heart before he literally felt the pressure and flow in his chest lessen slightly. "Hinata, warn me when you work on the ones near my lungs. I'm sensitive to those."

"Right. Sorry."

"S'fine." He sighed and shook his head before looking at the newcomers. "So what's the word? I haven't been paying much attention to what's been going on here since we got inside."

"Tsunade-sama and Hiruzen-sama are speaking to Mifune-sama about the accommodations and our last second, changes." Shizune glanced at Madoka and held back making any unbecoming gestures or insinuations. "As to be expected, he wasn't exactly pleased about it."

"He shouldn't be. But given the nature of what's happened he can't exactly reject our request since it has to do with security. At the very least, we're trying to make sure they're done with as little effort and headaches on his part as possible." Naruto sighed.

"The other Kage still won't see it like that." Shizune countered.

"They came here knowing they weren't going to like what they heard to begin with. At least these twists are intended to actually lessen some of their concerns." The blonde leaned back, allowing Hinata to put more pressure into his back. "Speaking of surprises and preparation, did you get me permission to check out the meeting room before everyone gets there?"

"Tsunade-sama is doing that now. Mifune-sama is clearly skeptical about the request, as he should be."

"He can come and watch and ask questions if he wants. I came to this damn mess with proof and I intend to show it." Naruto gasped in pain, causing everyone to focus on him.

"Is something wrong?" Kakashi asked concerned.

"One of the deeper wounds on his side just reopened." Hinata quickly moved to address it. "The constant travelling and talking agitated the area near his diaphragm."

"We always did try to find a way to keep him quiet." Sasuke grimaced as Shizune moved to aid Hinata in moving the bandages wrapped around Naruto's chest.

"I find it concerning that despite your condition, you still went out of your way to bring me into this, Uzumaki-san." Madoka's tone grew slightly sterner. "I understand why you desired my cooperation, but was it worth deteriorating your health? The endeavor to retrieve me must have set you back quite some time."

"Maybe. Not sure to be honest." Nartuo smiled faintly. "I'm just covering my bases best I can so people have less to complain about later. We're dealing with loads of shit that people can misinterpret in too many ways that can bite us if we don't address it early on. Proper context is key. Improper context… well, I have fun scarring everyone with misleading and poorly worded truths."

"We don't." Everyone else from Konoha stated emotionlessly as one.

"And unfortunately you're the only one with the actual proper context." Sasuke shook his head. "You know it would be easier if you gave us some more to work with so we could take some of the pressure off of you."

"I'm not going to repeat myself endlessly with this. And I can't risk someone accidentally getting a fact wrong. It's a speech and a half to get through on a good day without causing mass panic."

"I take it you know from experience." Madoka eyed the teen skeptically.

"More than you'd think." Naruto laughed before grimacing again. "Hinata, the lungs."

"I'm trying." The Hyuuga frowned in focus. "There's an abnormal concentration of chakra in your left lung that's making it hard to treat you."

"Concentration of… ah damn it. Knew I forgot something."

"Here we go again." Sasuke clicked his tongue, knowing that he was about to get thrown for another loop. "What did you do to yourself this time and how worried should we be?"

"Relax. It's just something I made by accident when it came to crossing dimensions." Naruto waved off his friend lazily before bringing up the same hand to his mouth and made a couple of quick coughs. A moment later, he pulled a jewel out of his maw the size of a large precious stone, one that seemed to be made of countless faces and contained an ominously deep and stormy blue storm that flowed somewhat like a rasengan.

"That… what is that?" Hinata paled as she looked at it with her eyes active. "It looks like crystalized chakra, but it looks like it isn't even all there to begin with…"

"That's because it isn't." Naruto shrugged, wiping his mouth with his arm. "You're looking at maybe a hundredth of a percent of the full thing. It's a combination of space and wind manipulation, with the foundation theories of the Seventh Sense, solid chakra, and that trick shinobi use to deep throat and store things in our bodies for hiding. Basically it's a portable personalized trans-dimensional chakra reactor."

A portable what?

"I-Impressive, but ignoring just how ludicrously absurd that sounds in the first place, and the associated implications, dare I ask why you made such a thing at all to begin with?" Shizune asked, slowly taking a few steps back.

"Relax. It isn't going to explode, and even if it did, the discharge would be in another reality." Naruto relaxed his shoulders, holding the gem in front of his face to inspect the myriad of colors swirling about inside.

… Huh. Judging from the hues he was seeing, the construct had been taking in some of the Biju chakra he had obtained recently. Might want to give that a closer look later.

"The thing about travelling between worlds is that you take what you can carry with you. My Seventh Sense isn't included in that. Every time I made a jump it could take me days or even weeks to get a solid foundation in the atmosphere all set up depending on the circumstances. In many cases, it was time I didn't have. This thing's supposed to be sort of like a portable replacement I could just recharge and use for the trips just in case. Channel a bit of chakra in my lungs constantly, store it in an alternate reality with a set range and a controlled perpetual rate of discharge, key it to a few other functions, and boom, no more getting caught with my pants down after making another jump… Again."

Fucking Atlantis. Fucking space colonies. Fucking cave systems.

"That sounds… actually useful." Kakashi mused.

"Please don't sound so surprised that I came up with something whose sole purpose isn't to explode."

"That sounds useful." Kakashi repeated in a more patronizing tone.

"That almost hurt as much as the rest of my body right now." Naruto cried waterfalls, his pride done immense damage by his teacher.

"I must be slipping. I'll try harder next time." Kakashi eye smiled.

"Getting back to that chakra, crystal, are you sure it's safe?" Shizune asked skeptically.

"It's fine. I told you, most of it is in another reality, and it's designed to discharge its power over a wide area when it is used. I'm talking tens of kilometers in every direction. Only a tiny part of the chakra and the crystalized anchor is here. Ghost actually helped me solidify and stabilize the thing so it wouldn't break." Naruto lazily tossed the gem up and down. A bit careless, considering this thing was actually the most intricate and complex amalgamation of everything he knew about chakra and ninjutsu, but for some reason he felt like it was merely a stepping stone for something bigger later on. "The fact that it hasn't caused anyone sensitive to chakra to break down in tongues yet despite everything I, and it, have gone through should be proof enough that it's fine. The only thing we should be concerned about is if some idiot purposefully hit dead on with a precise and powerful space altering technique to disrupt the foundational lattice. And for the record, doing that through the body of a halfway decent Presence user is near pointless unless the person doing it is so bullshit that we'd have more important things to worry about."

"And if some idiot did manage to pull it off?" Kakashi leered at the teen.

"Ehhhhheeeeehhhhhhh well then at the very least it's unlikely we'd have to deal with said idiot anymore." Naruto evaded giving a direct answer while evading direct eye contact with anyone.

The shinobi in the room other than Naruto all let out an exasperated sigh. They shouldn't be surprised at this point.

"Just, just swallow your interdimensional chakra bomb crystal Naruto. It's safer in you there. Somehow." Sasuke groaned.

"After I finish treating his left lung." Hinata cut in once more focusing on his back. "With the crystal gone I can finally see and start to heal some of the damage in that area. I've been trying to get to it for days."

Naruto looked at her confused. "Really?"

"You're asleep nearly eighteen hours a day. I've had plenty of time to work on you."

"Ah. Right." Apparently he was a heavy sleeper when heavily wounded. Who knew?

"In the meantime, catch." With a casual flick of the wrist, the crystal flew at Sasuke, who fumbled with it as if handling a bomb reaching critical mass.

"The hell dobe!?"

"Relax, I told you, it's completely inert. Just thought you'd want a closer look while it was out. It's very pretty and shiny."

"So help me I'll give you something shiny if you keep this shit up…" Muttering under his breath, Sasuke glanced at the gem in his hand.

Against his better judgement, he activated his Sharingan…

… Then his Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan…

Madoka frowned as he recognized the familiar gaze. "I do hope you are careful with those eyes, Uchiha-san. I do not have fond memories of them or their capabilities."

"… Yeah… sure…" Sasuke muttered as he stared at the gem absently.

"Sasuke, are you alight?" Shizune frowned in concern.

The teen absently replied. "The way chakra moves in this thing, and the layers… it's endless. Hypnotic."

At that moment, Kakashi appeared next to his student and snatched the gem from his hands. "I'm not sure about anyone else, but when an Uchiha with the highest level of Sharingan says something is hypnotic, that's usually a cue to step in. Congratulations are in order Naruto, you've found a new way to mentally break your friends."

"Sweet. Three more and I get a free bowl of ramen."

Smack.

"Ow!"

"Well at the very least, this part of him is still the same." Shizune laughed slightly nervously. "Sasuke, how are you?"

"Must. Investigate. Samurai. Ramen."

SMACK!

"Try again." Kakashi suggested in a far too casual tone after another far too practiced backhand.

"S-Sasuke?"

Back to reality, the teen swore and leaned up against a nearby wall, blinking his eyes furiously to get rid of the images he had witnessed out of his skull. "Son of a… I'm fine. I'm fine. Somehow. I fucking hate you sometimes dobe."

"Hey, I didn't know it would do that to you either. This one's completely accidental." Naruto held up his hands to defend himself.

"Kakashi, can you hold onto that thing for now? At least until I finish healing Naruto and he can swallow it again." Hinata asked.

"Will do. Never been much of a jewelry person myself, but I do have to agree with Naruto. This thing is rather pretty. It's actually rather interesting to look at." The cyclops held the gem up in front of his normal eye and inspected it lazily.

"Forgive me if I refrain from the offer." Madoka kept his distance from Kakashi, leering at the gem warily.

"Smart man." Sasuke muttered under his breath.

"At least nothing's exploding yet." Shizune rubbed her temple to weaken her headache. "Naruto, to save us any further trouble, do you have any more unexpected items or constructs on you that may give us a reason to incarcerate you once we get home?"

"You mean other than my very existence?"

"Other than the factors that we have already taken into account, yes." It was jarring how easily and naturally she spoke those words.

"Hmmm." Naruto frowned before beginning to think deeply on the question. "Oh I… wait, no that's for the Summit. Wait there's… no, my ramen addiction is probably taken into account. And then there's of course… no all that crazy shit's mom's problem."

"As you can see Madoka-sama, there's a reason why we never intended to introduce Naruto to you." Kakashi absently chatted with the Daimyo while still examining the gem in his hand.

"I've noticed." The civilian hummed in an equally absent tone. "I recall him being placed on a few high profile escort missions some time ago. I'm surprised he had more than one."

"He has a peculiar honest charisma about him. Completely insane, but just as honest. It's easy to get swept into his tempo if you let him. It takes some time to get used to, but you can't deny the confidence he has. And the ability to lighten up the room when he's around." Kakashi provided, holding the gem to the light. Surprisingly, very little illumination made it through the construct. "Given enough time, he can get most people to at the very least trust him at his word. If he says he's going to do something, he does it."

"Hmm. I see what you mean. It is rather enticing, I admit. Being near a powerful, yet honest man. We could use more like that in our world, though I could do with less eccentricity."

"You and everyone else." Kakashi shrugged.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Naruto snapped his fingers in excitement.

"Ah shit." Sasuke swore. He had been hoping that Naruto didn't have anything this time.

"Are we going to have to get into a bigger room or start warning the samurai here?" Shizune already lamented her immediate future.

"No clue!" Naruto smiled as he reached into his pocket and took out the letter that Hinata said Scabbard had sent them in Iwa. "We still haven't looked at the letter yet."

"That's, probably for the best." Kakashi slowly put the gem down. "We don't know what it contains Naruto. You know better than anyone what that thing could hold."

"No I don't." Naruto shook his head. "Scab wouldn't do a major prank or mind fuck right before a major event. Not to the people he likes at least."

"Naruto, correct me if I'm wrong, but does Scabbard like people?" Hinata asked warily.

"Does anyone in this room owe him any major favors or unreasonable sums of money?"

"… No?" Sasuke looked around confused to see everyone with similar skeptical expressions.

"Actually, odds are you do but you don't know it, 'cause it's Scab and that's how the guy works, but that's not the point. If you really screwed up with him, you'd know it by now. Since that's not the case, the level of bullshit in this thing shouldn't be too over the top." Naruto corrected them all before cutting open the top of the parcel and taking out the documents.

"Well at least he's confident it won't be too bad. Normally if he wasn't, he'd be stalling more. Or sweating." Kakashi noted.

"Huh. Didn't expect this." The blonde scanned the top of the letter in a mildly pleasantly surprised tone.

"What is it?" Shizune asked.

"It's a quarterly update for my investments and assets. You know, come to think of it, I've completely forgotten that I more or less let him take over my life's savings and investments ever since he got here. I think that also includes everything that mom and dad left… for…"

Naruto's words trailed off as his eyes glazed over, and all finishing off with several small fountains of blood bursting from his head and neck.

"And here we go." Sasuke sighed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Naruto? Naruto, stop fooling around." Hinata looked over his shoulder while trying to attend to the bleeding. "I don't see what the big deal is. We all know that Scabbard-sensei is good with finances. You should have… expected… to…"

Instead of popping a blood vessel, Hinata's doujutsu instinctively activated while staring at the document with the same glazed look as Naruto.

"It appears we lost another one." The Daimyo observed with mixed amusement and concern.

"I'm genuinely afraid to look at it." Shizune cringed.

"Naruto, these numbers, are they right?" Hinata asked in a dazed tone.

"Look at the key in the top left of the table. They're… bigger." Naruto's was more haunted, and two more fountains of blood erupted from his wounds comically. "Sooo much bigger."

"… I didn't know it was possible for a single person to have this much money."

"Other than Scab."

"He can partition his thoughts to the point that they have their own personalities. He barely qualifies as a person." Hinata's head absently tilted to the side, her expression not once changing.

"Right."

"And wasn't that a day to get around?" Kakashi shivered at memories that were left buried.

Shizune nodded in agreement.

"… I spent the entirety of my life learning how to fight, murder, and deal with crazy things in general. I… I don't know how to be stupid rich. The closest thing I can think of is just pretend I'm Gilgamesh."

"Not sure who that is exactly, but with a gaudy name like that I'll assume it would mean you'd be insufferable even by your standards." Kakashi shrugged absently.

"He wouldn't act like Scabbard?" Shizune whispered to Sasuke.

"Scab's an obsessive compulsive sociopath that sees money as a tool and something to pass the time with more than anything. As far as anyone's concerned, Scab isn't rich. He's an asshole that just happens to be good with money and be rich."

"A curious mindset. I certainly didn't expect someone of that financial capability to be like that." Madoka commented to the pair.

"Yeah well, I'm underselling how much of a sociopath he is, and how useful he finds money as a tool. Mix those together and you get a better picture of how he handles finances."

What Sasuke didn't say was that he also had invested a fair bit of his inheritance into Scab's ventures and had made a healthy profit from it. The only reason why he wasn't having an existential crisis like Naruto was because he didn't invest his entire clan's holdings, and he started much later…

Actually, come to think of it, Naruto's entire personal wealth, plus the Uzumaki and Namikaze inheritances, might have been what Scabbard had used to springboard most if not ALL of his ventures in this world in the first place. And if THAT was the case…

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Just NO.

He was going to stop that train of thought right there. There was no way he was going to get involved with or be the first to bring up that literal potential international disaster. Someone else can shoulder that nightmare.

"Sasuke? Why are you shivering?" Shizune noticed his twitching hands and eyebrows.

"Extreme internal dialogue. Don't mind me."

"Don't tell me you're getting voices in your head now." Kakashi joked.

"Haven't had any since the nightmares of the Massacre stopped, fortunately." A bit of a grim riposte that caused both Kakashi and Shizune to flinch, but true none the less.

"Don't mind me. I'm simply lamenting the fact that a letter has done more physical damage to the boy than the entirety of my palace guard when he came to get me." Madoka casually mused out loud from the background while contemplating just how much greater of a potential impact on the global economy the boy could make now. If it was as large as he feared, he would have to take some extra precautions and measures in the near future.

"I think I'm done for the day." Naruto, still not paying any attention to anyone or anything other than the paper in his hand, began to wobble to his bed with an unsteady smile and wide blank fish eyes, bleeding his way there. "I'm going to sleep now. Yeah. Sleep sounds nice. I might be sleeping now. All the numbers are blurring together…"

"That's from anemia! You're losing too much blood and are going into shock!" Shizune shouted as she rushed over to treat him. "Hinata! What are you doing?!"

"So many eh?! EHHH?!" The woman's reprimand snapped the heiress out of her funk to realize that Naruto was keeling over again and half her clothes were splattered in the red stuff.

It was at that moment that Tsunade stepped into the room. "I'm back and I heard screaming. All right. Don't be gentle. I'm a big girl. What happened this…"

She paused and saw Shizune and Hinata drenched in blood and hovering over his body.

"… Oh for fuck's sake, I thought I told you to not try and kill him until we were out of Iron! Or at least until the summit was over!"

The Samurai Standing guard outside of the room didn't say anything. They had been warned this might happen. Just as they had been warned that participating in the chaos would only make them regret their life choices.

They just stood outside the room while the medics tried to return the Kyubi Jinchuriki back to the land of the living.

They were trained well. Mifune would be proud.

o. o. o.

That night, Mifune and Hiruzen stood in front of the bulk of the Samurai standing guard in the compound.

They were accompanied by two individuals wearing heavy cloaks that hid all of their physical features saved for the bottom of their mouths. A man and a woman.

"You are certain this is necessary." The Samurai asked the former Kage with an unreadable expression, his tone emotionless and unwavering.

"We would not be putting in such efforts and risking more if it was not the case, Mifune-dono." The old monkey replied in a genial, yet just as unreadable tone. "This is as much for your benefit as it is for everyone else's."

"There is much to do for tomorrow." The man spoke in a dead even tone, yet his voice was hidden with a jutsu that prevented anyone from recognizing it. "It is in everyone's best interest and benefit if there were no complications from outside parties."

"And I presume that you include yourselves in the former group." Mifune's steel cold glare didn't waver at the unidentified guest.

"You presume correctly. Tomorrow will be occupied with enough concerning topics and revelations that require careful deliberation to address adequately. The matters that Konoha will bring are, uncomfortably significant."

"Judging from your actions and words, I assume you mean more significant than what already warrants this Summit in the first place. More significant than Iwa's recent misfortune, as unlikely and preposterous as it sounds." Mifune didn't move at all save for his mouth and slightly narrowing eyes.

"That is correct." The man confirmed, somehow moving just as little, if not less than the Samurai general.

Mifune slowly turned his attention to the former Hokage standing on his other side, who did not react to the statement at all, instead preferring to puff on his tobacco pipe and wait patiently for matters to proceed.

Neither old man said a word.

It was a silence that spoke of a thousand horrors, tales, and cautions.

The leader of the armed forces in the Land of Iron came to a decision.

o. o. o.

Each village leader was allowed to bring in two guards and their Jinchuriki. The sole exceptions were Kumo, who still had both of their Jinchuriki, Suna, due to Gaara being both the Kazekage and a jinchuriki, and Konoha, who was allowed to bring in the former Third Hokage for the sake of providing information relevant to the meeting.

All remaining members of the escorts that came to Iron were to stand outside of the meeting until requested or its conclusion.

Tsunade was accompanied by Naruto, Hiruzen, Shizune, and Hinata.

Gaara by Temari and Kankuro.

Onoki by Roshi, Kurotsuchi, and his medic.

Mei by Zabuza, Haku, and Ao.

Ay by Bee, Yugito, Darui, and Cee.

Shibuki by Fuu and two of his Jonin that nobody really cares about.

If the summit had been of smaller population, the room would have been more compact and discrete, however this was not the case. The curved table before Mifune's podium was more than large enough to host double the number of leaders that would be sat there if needed, though given the destructive capabilities of said leaders, it was probably for the best.

What was more curious though was…

"I should have known it wouldn't be simple." Gaara droned as he spied two of Naruto's clones working on setting up some sort of chair in the center of the room. It looked like a simple desk chair, and he wouldn't have been too concerned if he didn't spy the absurd sealing array at the base of the thing.

"Please don't tell me that thing's going to blow up." Kankuro muttered under his breath.

"Seriously, what is it with people thinking that everything I touch is bound to explode?" One of the clones lamented.

"Mifune. Hokage. What the hell is that brat doing?" Ay glared as the clones continued with their project.

"According to Konoha, it is a device that will aid in supporting their case. And subsequently, a gift to the land of Iron as a sign of good faith." Mifune replied. "As to what it is, I shall keep silent until the appropriate time. That said, I have been assured that it is not a device of harm."

"And you believe them?" Mei asked curiously.

"Uzumaki-san offered to demonstrate its first use on himself. For this meeting no less."

"We take no responsibility if he fries his brain from this." Tsunade sighed, clearly nowhere near as wary of what was going on as the others.

"Don't mind us." One clone absently waved to the others. "We got jutsu to keep us quiet while you guys do your thing."

"And how much longer will you take to do yours? Brat?" Onoki lifted a bushy eyebrow.

"Just touching up the array and aligning some causality verification factors. Should be good in ten to fifteen with a couple of minor last second checks. You guys go on ahead. Doubt this thing's going to be brought up first thing in the meeting."

"Causality what?" Shibuki blinked in bewilderment. He wasn't the only one with a confused look.

"Uzumaki-san, dare I ask why you didn't start setting up this, project, earlier then?" Mei asked curiously.

The clone yawned. "Depends on what you mean. There was a slight delay last night, but all things considered, I think we're making good time. Normally takes us almost a day to get this damn thing working right. We're setting a record at fourteen hours."

"Yup yup. Didn't even need Dad's help this time either." The other clone nodded as it inscribed more runes and seals down one of the chair's legs.

Those in the room paused as they made a doubletake at the furniture. Say what you want about Naruto, but a sealing array that takes an Uzumaki over fourteen hours was without question something to be wary of.

"Naruto, for everyone else's peace of mind, this chair isn't going to do something ridiculous like teleport someone or open a hole to another dimension, right?" Tsunade asked tiredly. At this point, she would have welcomed the idea of the furniture merely exploding.

"Relax. This thing isn't going to do anything to anyone. I'll explain it when it's done." The clone waved them off, and before anyone could say anything else, it made a quick ram seal to make a barrier and isolate itself from everyone else in the room once again so it wouldn't be interrupted.

"Is this really necessary, Hokage?" Ay glanced at Tsunade, clearly annoyed.

"He said it would help with his case and then some. Truth be told, even we in Konoha have questions that would like answered today. He brought a scroll full of trinkets and documents for this meeting that none of us have seen the contents of. Today will be an experience for all of us, but it is not one he will waste. He's made enough of an effort to prove that much."

"Wonderful." The large man grunted sarcastically. "Any other surprises you wish to bequeath onto us before we get this mess underway?"

Hiruzen coughed at the side of the room, grabbing everyone's attention. With a sheepish smile, the old man reached out and patted what initially appeared to be thin air, but soon dissipated to reveal a civilian dressed in noble garb casually standing with a fan blocking half his face.

"…"

"…"

"… Is that the Fire Daimyo?" Shibuki blinked owlishly.

"It is indeed." Hiruzen smiled, albeit those that knew him well enough could tell he wasn't as confident as he normally was.

"Greetings, shinobi, kunoichi, and samurai." Madoka chuckled amused. "I hope you don't mind my being here. I assure you, I am only here to observe."

"What on earth…" Mei started slowly before she was cut off by Zabuza and Haku at the same time.

"Naruto."

"Seriously?!" She turned to them before turning to Tsunade for confirmation.

"It is the most believable explanation, even if it's outside of his normal habits." Haku smiled apologetically.

"He literally kidnapped Madoka-sama from the capital while we were en route behind our backs." Tsunade grimaced. "We couldn't have returned him even if we wanted to. Not if we wanted to make the Summit at all."

Gaara looked at his friend, still in fox form sleeping in Hinata's grasp. For the life of him, he still could not see how on earth Naruto was going to come out of this week not imprisoned or flat out murdered by someone. It was as if his insane comrade was trying to piss off as many influential individuals and parties as possible as quickly as possible…

His eyes narrowed as a thought crossed his mind.

… No. Not piss off specifically, but ensure that he had their attention. Right when the Summit was taking place. Right when he was going to lay down everything in front of everyone.

Getting the entire shinobi world on board with his madness was all well and good, but the Daimyo controlled everything that wasn't chakra and war related. They controlled the economy. The resources. The nations. The people…

Once again, Naruto had thrown a curve ball that nobody had expected, and the wide ranging long term implications of his actions… were literally unpredictable and unprecedented.

Looking around, he noted that the other Kage and veterans of politics were quickly coming to the same conclusion as he had to some degree.

No one could tell the Daimyo to leave now. They couldn't afford not to, lest disturb an already unstable situation before they could get the information they had all come for in the first place.

"The only reason why I agreed to it was because I knew that Konoha would suffer either way." Onoki smirked. "If war is going to break out after today, we may as well cut out the middle man and save some time."

"We're trying to prevent War, Tsuchikage." Tsunade frowned.

"Bah. War. Peace. They're both faces on the same coin. One will be decided on regardless today." He waved her off carelessly with his good hand.

It was a good show, for an obvious front. Of all the leaders there, Onoki had the most to lose given the circumstances.

Fortunately, Mifune came to the rescue, cutting through the conversation with words as easily as his blade. "If the guests could please sit down, we can get the summit underway."

The various shinobi there glanced at one another warily before silently accommodating to his request. Only…

"There's seven chairs at the table." Gaara noted and looked around. Five Kage plus Takigakure is six. Mifune, as the host, had his own spot separate from his guests.

"What is the meaning of this, Samurai?" Ay grunted, quickly losing his patience as two heavily cloaked individuals followed in after Mifune and his guard into the room before the doors were closed. "Who are these two? This is supposed to be a private meeting, and yet we are receiving unwanted ears every other minute."

"Their presence was requested by the Konoha delegation and are deemed relevant to today's discussions." Mifune diplomatically stated with all eyes on him. "They are representing their own party for the summit."

"And what party would that be?" Mei asked curiously. "To involve themselves this late in today's events, they must hold quite the influence."

"More than you know, and yet less than we once held." Sitting down at her designated seat at the end of the curved table, the female of the hidden pair reached up to her hood and removed it to reveal a familiar face, accompanied by blue hair pinned by an origami flower.

More than a few stilled at Konan's appearance.

"Akatsuki?!" Ay shouted in mixed shock and rage, his chakra spiking in an instant. "HERE?!"

"What remains of what it originally stood for, yes. Outside of myself and my associate here, none of the other members have returned to headquarters, and thus we assume they have shifted loyalties to the masked Uchiha. He went by the moniker Tobi when with us, though he tried to pass himself off as Madara Uchiha when he first introduced himself to Nagato and myself." The woman didn't bother to act threatened by the Raikage's clear intention to attack. "Calm yourself Raikage. Akatsuki, or rather, what remains in Amegakure, no longer seek the Biju. We come to assist with greater issues that plagues us all."

"You better have brought more to the table than petty words and regret." Onoki growled dangerously as he sat at his seat, which fortunately was not next to Konan. "I don't care if the blonde brat or Tsunade or the Biju themselves claim you're a saint. Give me one good reason not to atomize you for my people."

To be fair, he had yet to manage to reliably use his Dust Release since getting his new arm, but he had a very good feeling about his odds right now…

"… Very well. I had intended to show this later as a sign of good will, but I will have to show it early." With a mask of indifference, Konan reached into her pockets and slowly withdrew a transparent vial in a way that showed that she did not mean any harm.

Even so, what was in the vial managed to stun nearly everyone there regardless.

"… Oh fuck me. Cat, you see what I see?" Bee swore under his breath.

"I wish I didn't." Yugito grimaced.

"Well, nobody can say that were off to a slow to start." Zabuza clicked his tongue annoyed.

"Zabuza. Shut up or I'll kill you." Mei hissed, her focus completely on the item.

Gaara didn't say anything, in contrast to the angry Biju raging in his head.

Tsunade was the only Kage there that wasn't completely caught off guard by the item, though it would be a lie to say she wasn't affected by their reveal.

"Are those, eyes?" Shibuki frowned in confusion.

"Those… aren't just eyes boy." Onoki grimaced, more than one vein pulsed on his head. "That's the Rinnegan."

"As Amegakure does not have a Kage, or a hat to reflect the pride of our home, I suppose this will suffice as compensation for today's discussions." Konan stated, her tone just as dry and even as it had been before.

"Humph. A couple of eyes in a jar. Who's to say that they're fake?" Ay held his ground, the only one of the Kage that wasn't sold on the show.

"The jinchuriki." Gaara spoke up immediately, though his gaze never turning from the vial, instead slowly taking his hat and putting it on the table in front of him. "The Bijuu have a history with the Rinnegan. They'd be able to guarantee authenticity with a glance. And Shukaku is doing just that right now."

Tsunade put her own red hat down quietly, making her own opinion on the matter known.

"Same." Roshi grunted from behind Onoki, prompting the latter to slowly put his own Kage hat down.

"Mmmm." Zabuza grunted. Moments later, Mei reluctantly followed suit.

"Choumei's no different." Fuu spoke up. Shibuki merely shifted uncomfortably, being the only leader there without any article to represent his Village. How adorable.

"Brother, sorry to kill the fun, but you're out of luck on this one." Bee rapped while Yugito gave her leader a helpless shrug.

"Tch." The large man clicked his tongue as he sat down. After a few seconds of everyone staring at him, he relented and put his own yellow hat. "Fine. Be that way. But the first sign that something's off…"

"Is my responsibility as host to address." Mifune interjected firmly before looking around. "They have already assisted with some security issues last night that required addressing, which we will review as it is relevant to the summit. For now, will our representatives sit down and introduce yourselves and your Jinchuriki."

The Raikage wasted no time speaking up first. "Ay of Kumokagure. Behind me are Bee of the Hachibi, and Yugito of the Niibi."

Shibuki shivered on the count of unfortunately sitting next to the man literally twice his size. "Shibuki of Takigakure. Fuu holds the Nanabi."

"Mei of Kirigakure. And my swordsman Zabuza holds the Sanbi. The Jinchuriki for the Rokubi was captured by Akatsuki several months before matters escalated beyond everyone's control." Mei casually motioned behind her as if her lover wasn't important.

"Made a Jinchuriki at that age?" Onoki muttered in concern before shaking his head and thinking better of it. "Onoki of Iwagakure. Behind me's Roshi of the Yonbi. We lost the Gobi during that mess of an invasion and we'd like to know where it went too."

"We'll cover that soon enough." Tsunade sat in between the oldest and youngest leaders there. "Tsunade of Konoha. And the unconscious furball in my follower's possession is Naruto Uzumaki, the focus of many of today's concerns and the container of the Kyubi."

"Gaara of Sunakagure, also the holder of the Ichibi." Gaara introduced himself quietly.

"Konan of Amegakure, former aid to the previous leader, Nagato." Konan evenly stated. "And while my companion is not a Jinchuriki, I believe it would be succinct to introduce him regardless. Itachi Uchiha. Formerly of Konoha."

More than a couple of breaths hitched as Itachi removed his hood and revealed himself to the others.

Few didn't notice how cool and composed Tsunade was despite the reveal.

"… You knew he was going to be here." Ay growled. "You better have a good reason for this, Hokage."

"I assure you, Raikage." Tsunade's tone was dead calm. "By the end of all of this, you are going to wish this was one of those meetings. Almost as much as I do now."

"I'll hold you to it." Ay turned his attention to Mifune. "What's this about the missing nin helping you out, Samurai?"

Nodding to his guard, Mifune decided to get matters going. Quietly, the samurai began to pass out sealing tags to everyone in the room. "It should be known that Danzo Shimura has been accused of utilizing a stolen Sharingan of notable genjutsu prowess to influence others and further his goals for over a decade. Last night, along with Hiruzen-donno, we inspected my men for any potential leaks and sleeper agents…"

The Samurai scowled. "A dozen of my men were tasked to either spy on the summit in some capacity, or place explosives underneath this very chamber. They have been removed from the premises and active duty for evaluation."

The room was ominously quiet.

"These tags were supplied by Konoha to counteract any Sharingan based genjutsu. They have implemented it in their security procedures ever since Shimura's escape." Mifune concluded. "It acts as a simple dispelling tag. Placing on one's head and channeling chakra will suffice."

"For those that are still wary, I feel I must add that I too was unknowingly under Shimura's influence, much to my displeasure." Madoka spoke up from the side of the room. "Regardless of my feelings of today's discussions, I can verify that these tags do work."

"I find it suspicious that you were capable of conjuring up a tag that can dispel Shimura's jutsu so quickly, Hokage." Ay inspected the tag skeptically.

"It wasn't as quickly as you'd think. We had well founded suspicions of Danzo for years, suspicions beyond what we allowed him to get away with, but it was only recently that we could get anything substantial on him. He is skilled at hiding his actions." Tsunade sighed. "As for his jutsu, it must be noted that he only has one of Shisui Uchiha's Sharingan on his possession."

"And Konoha had the other?" Mei asked.

"I had the other." Itachi spoke up quietly, yet his voice was clearly heard by everyone. "I gave it to Hokage-sama just a year ago."

"Heh. Now I've heard of everything. The one behind the Uchiha Massacre itself was a spy all along?" Onoki snorted, glancing at Hiruzen. "And if memory serves, the lone survivor is standing just outside this room. Convenient. Or does he know all this already? Better, how do we know that our surprise Uchiha hasn't gone mad with this eye like Danzo?"

"Kotoamatsukami, the genjutsu that Shisui Uchiha's eyes could perform, is an extremely taxing technique. Either eye can only be used for it once a decade unless certain extreme conditions are met. Conditions that we are unwilling to replicate, and Itachi is unable to." Tsunade elaborated with an even tone. "I have confirmed that the eye in Konoha's possession is still capable of using the genjutsu if needed, and is currently kept in a secure and secluded location."

"Far be it for us to argue against the leading medical expert in the elemental nations." Mei hummed. "That still leaves the matter of the Uchiha themselves. They have a rather colorful history after all."

"The events leading up to the Massacre indicate that there was more than one architect. A fact that we did not uncover until long after the tragedy took place." The former Kage relented. "And as arbitrary as this detail may seem, that too is relevant to today's discussion."

"I couldn't care less about the Uchiha. I came here to finally hear about that nuisance." Ay pointed to Naruto, "And Konoha's excuse for all the nonsense he's been behind, and why the rest of us shouldn't demand for his execution right now. Danzo can come later."

"Hahahaha." Surprisingly, Onoki burst out in laughter. "You're slipping Raikage. While there's no doubt that we're all here for both and more, the way your words spew out betrays your fear of the boy."

"What did you say?!"

"I must agree with the Tsuchikage." Mei languidly commented as if talking about the weather. "It is blatantly obvious that the situation is more complicated than a matter of a powerful shinobi or two acting out without supervision. Proper context is necessary in order to make a decision pertaining to international affairs. I had assumed that all that had come here had arrived with that basic premise. What happens to the boy is of little concern to me, but the outcomes of said actions are another matter entirely. There is clearly more going on than a powerful child gallivanting about, or did you forget about that peculiar encounter we had on our way here, Raikage?"

"Tch."

"Peculiar encounter? Please elaborate for the rest of those here, Mizukage-dono." Mifune asked politely.

"Mizukage…" Ay growled in warning, but to no avail as Mei continued.

"Ignoring the fact that Raikage-dono went out of his way to confront my escort soon after we made it to the mainland, we encountered two individuals of not shortly thereafter. One of which was Danzo Shimura himself."

That revelation caused several reactions.

"Of course he showed up." Tsunade grunted before looking at the tag in her hands. Without hesitating, she put it to her forehead and activated it. "We've stalled long enough. Everyone in this room use their seals to validate that they are not under Shimura's influence. Anyone that doesn't we will assume is a liability. Kage or not."

"Agreed." Mifune nodded using his own tag. "We cannot be remiss in our security. Rest assured everyone, I have tested these tags earlier today and can validate the Hokage's statement. These tags are intended to dispel Sharingan based genjutsu and nothing else."

"And the catch?" Ay wasn't sold, eyeing the tag in his hand warily.

"They're one time use once they do dispel a genjutsu." Tsunade took the tag off of her head, the seal array still on the paper. "We intend to give everyone here multiple copies of the array and the process to manufacture them after discussions are completed."

"Oh?" Mei was pleasantly surprised, and she wasn't the only one. "That's rather generous of you Hokage. Many here would have simply maintained a monopoly of the product. Not to mention doing so will be a detriment to your village in particular."

"There are only five Sharingan users left alive in the world. Three are in this building as we speak, and all of them agree it is worth the sacrifice. The other two are the reason why we are being this generous in the first place." The Hokage held her ground staring down the Raikage.

"Only five alive." Ay spat bitterly as he gave up and pressed the paper on his forehead… and grimaced as it got to work.

"Why am I not surprised?" Mei sighed at the revelation that the Raikage had been under the influence of the Sharingan. The hot headed fool was the sort that would try to stare down the sun into submission if he was annoyed at it, but she could tell that his behavior recently had been even more aggressive than normal. Without a second thought, she used her own tag and was pleased to know that she was clean.

Seeing the most stubborn in the room relent and use the security measure, the others in the room used their own tags.

One of the Taki shinobi, Cee, Onoki's medic, and Temari of all people cursed as their tags activated.

"Sis?" Kankuro paled as his sister stumbled for a moment before steadying herself and fumbled with her equipment.

"Shit shit shit shit shit." The wind user cursed as she took out her personal weapon, inspected a corner of one of the collapsible fans, and channeled as much chakra into it to burn out the bug that had been slipped in it.

"Temari. What happened?" Gaara frowned, clearly angry.

"That mummified FUCKER caught me a little over a year ago during one of my envoy missions to Konoha. He wanted to pick apart the weapon that Oogakari made for me but didn't want to risk getting caught in case it broke and I'd take it in for fixing, and he bugged it instead. I also slipped some info about Shikamaru to the bastard as well." Temari swore angrily. "Gaara, I-"

"Are you fine to continue?" The Kazekage cut her off, his tone hard but his eyes asked another question entirely.

"I…" She faltered for a moment before taking a deep breath and straightening herself out. "I'll manage. Problem is that the seal was recording everything around it. He'll know about the Rinnegan and Itachi."

"We doubted our anonymity would have lasted for long once the Summit occurred. Precautions are in place." Konan evenly corrected the girl. "He will not catch us so easily."

"Sankai? You too?!" Shibuki faltered as one of his closest Jonin was revealed to be a leak.

The Taki Jonin stared off into space as he leaned up against a wall. "M-my apologies Shibuki-sama. I was captured during a mission and brought to Shimura five years ago. I-I have been feeding him information about our village and nation periodically. Several trade agreements and missions failed because of my inability to break free. I didn't… I do not believe I should be in this room."

"For the sake of privacy and security, my Samurai will escort those that need to leave to a private chambers until discussions are over. Are there any objections or individuals that wish to contest these measures?" Mifune asked as the Jonin accepted the terms and escorted himself out of the room.

"Onoki-sama. I, was approached by a man in a spiral mask some months ago. Just before the invasion." The Iwa medic hesitantly admitted. "He was asking about the Jinchuriki and…"

"You told him where Han was held." Onoki waved, knowing the Kunoichi was secretly and ANBU and one of the few that treated Han during his incarceration. "You're lucky to be alive if what I've been told is true. Is there anything else?"

"No sir. Outside of information on the prison, he didn't ask anything. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the middle of an alleyway with half the village going mad and the other half as confused as I was."

"Then stay and suffer like the rest of us. I don't want to be at Konoha's mercy if I get a stressed induced" His word was final, although it held slightly less weight when Kurotsuchi and Roshi snorted in amusement. It was unbecoming of an Iwa shinobi to shrink away like the woman was doing, but given the circumstances, they let it pass this time.

"Cee." Ay grimaced and glanced at his companion. "You got caught too?"

"It appears so, Raikage-sama. It stopped me from noticing either of our conditions." The sensor looked away, ashamed that he didn't notice the fact that he had been under an illusion, albeit a very subtle one.

"So? Care to tell us when you got taken advantage of, Raikage?" Mei asked, amused.

Breathing out slowly, Ay regained more composure than he had displayed all day. "Don't act so smug Mizukage. You were there when it happened, and I doubt that you would have fared much better."

Much to many's surprise, Mei's confident smile faltered and she had the humility to look embarrassed by the accusation. "Ah, I see. So it was then."

"What are you referring to? Danzo is only capable of utilizing his Sharingan once a day. How was he able to affect the Raikage and his retainer in the same event?" Tsunade asked concerned.

"It wasn't Danzo that hit us." Ay looked away, annoyed. "It was Madara Uchiha."

The Room was dead silent. Even Konan and Itachi were notably surprised by the revelation.

"What?" Tsunade's flat reaction was warranted.

"I thought we confirmed that the man in the spiral mask wasn't Madara." Hiruzen frowned.

"It wasn't the man in the mask." Mei shook her head. "He was clearly an Uchiha, with two Sharingan and an ego large enough to stop him from wearing a mask to hide his identity. He had long spiky black hair and red armor, and his chakra was quite frankly monstrous. But his body was… not alive, for lack of a better term. There were cracks all over his skin, and his skin tone was…"

"Dead." Hiruzen grimaced, recognizing the description. "Damn it. Edo Tensei. Again. Madara's been brought back from the dead as a summon. I thought we had seen the end of that blasted jutsu."

"Kabuto Yakushi. Orochimaru's former Right Hand. He's the only one that has the ability and resources to do it." Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "My granduncle, the Second Hokage, was a great and brilliant man, but so help me was that man stubborn and narrow in his views. So many of our current issues trail back to his paranoid decisions back when he was alive."

"Our unexpected Uchiha said just as much." Mei gave a wry smile. "He dubbed Shimura as the "Failure of Tobirama". It got a rare and amusing reaction from the warhawk."

Hiruzen winced at the moniker. Danzo would without question hold a sore grudge against that particular title.

"They appeared together?" Onoki blinked in surprise. "Please tell me they were not allies. Better, tell us that they killed one another."

"If only." Ay grunted and he dwelled on what had occurred several days ago. "Shimura was absolutely terrified of the monster, to the point of actually showing emotion. Madara didn't kill him on the spot because his summoner prevented him."

"We weren't much better." Mei lamented. "His chakra was, overwhelming, to put it mildly. He paralyzed nearly all of us just by showing off that odd chakra skeleton warrior of his. I assume that's when he got the Raikage and his shinobi with that genjutsu. He wasn't even taking us seriously. Not at least until Zabuza and Haku used that Presence technique of theirs to push him back."

"Fat lot that did." The swordsman scoffed from the back. "That Edo whatever technique makes him near immortal. We gave it our all to split him in half through that chakra armor of his, and froze the remains on top of it. He still regenerated within half a minute, and Shimura bolted in the madness. Coward. As far as I can tell, you'd need to hit him harder than a Biju and instantly follow up with a sealing technique for one to keep that monster down for good as he is. Anything less would just get you killed."

"The fact that you could break through his Susanoo, the technique he used, at all is a feat that few could acclaim, Zabuza." Hiruzen admitted. "Susanoo is something only an Uchiha experienced with the Mangekyo Sharingan can use, and even then, Madara's was of a quality far above the others."

Speaking of others, more than a few eyes turned to a certain Uchiha in the room.

Said Uchiha didn't bother looking at anyone, still resting against the wall with his eyes closed. "… It's true. While I am considered gifted, according to the records of my clan, what I have achieved pales in comparison to the destructive potential of Madara in his prime."

"I've seen Susanoo in action boy. I've experienced firsthand the bare minimum of what it can do in the hands of Madara. Can we assume that you are also capable of that bare minimum?" Onoki growled, forcing the echoes of past trauma down so it wouldn't show.

"Yes. If it's merely the bare minimum." Itachi didn't rise to the bait. "Though to hear of someone capable of brute forcing their way through it at all is unexpected. Your prowess is commendable, Zabuza Momochi."

"Gives you a warm feeling doesn't it? A mass murderer complimenting another." The Raikage growled before shaking his head. "We are getting distracted. We're going to be talking in circles for weeks at this rate before we get anywhere. Madara Uchiha. Danzo Shimura. Iwa. The Sharingan. The Rinnegan. The Oogakari. The Biju. We need to make sense of this before I lose my patience again, genjutsu or not."

"Thus the reason why Konoha refrained from even attempting to inform everyone of what we know until now." Tsunade sighed. "It's a colossal mess that even we have trouble wrapping our heads around at times."

"Then since now is supposedly the time, please explain this mess, Hokage." Mei requested politely.

Tsunade glanced at Naruto, who was still in Hinata's hands. "There's someone else that is more suited for the task than I am."

Naruto opened an eye.

A subtle chill went down everyone's spines for some reason. It was as though the weight in the room grew heavier from that seemingly effortless action.

The fox breathed in deeply.

Then exhaled.

He repeated the process twice, much to the confusion of all there…

And then he began to cough. Loud and hard.

"Naruto?" Hinata grew worried for a few seconds before she noticed what he was doing…

And a giant scroll popped out of the small fox's mouth…

And got stuck halfway.

It was blatantly clear that this was not what he had intended if his bulging eyes, gaging sounds, and twitching body was any indication.

It killed any seriousness that had been generated in the room.

"That idiot." Tsunade muttered under her breath while Shizune hid her face from the world.

"Choke. Choke on it damn you…"

"Shukaku, you're supposed to be in control over your emotions now." Gaara chided his Biju mentally while Hinata helped dislodge the scroll from the throat of the fox in her chest.

"I am."

"I hate where this is going already. We seriously are banking our decisions on this clown?" Ay seethed.

"If I was not somewhat used to the fool's antics, I'd agree with you Raikage." Onoki chuckled, sated with the fact that Naruto was at least suffering for this latest immature act. "However, I've learned that the contents of his nonsense are usually relevant to important discussions, regardless of his atrocious presentation. Usually, at least."

"WEEEZE!" The small monster coughed and gasped for air as Hinata managed to yank out to scroll with a final heave.

"Naruto, next time you want this out, please just turn back into a human. It's clearly easier for you that way." Hinata lectured the nearly hyperventilating fox.

Seemingly ignoring her, Naruto took a few more deep breaths before getting himself under control and shaking his head to think clearly.

The scroll then floated out of her grasp and unraveled itself until a storage sealing array was displayed. Naruto's tail snaked out of her coat, extended far longer than it should have, and activated it.

In a cloud of smoke, Minato Namikaze appeared in front of the congress of shinobi.

The room was dead silent.

Then Minato glanced back at his son. "… Seriously Naruto, next time just transform back to normal to get the scroll, will you?"

Naruto didn't reply. He was already sleeping again.

"Th-The rumors were true?" Shibuki stammered, pushing back on his seat. "Th-The Fourth Hokage is alive?"

Minato turned with a sad, yet understanding smile. "No, Shibuki-san, Minato Namikaze is very much dead. What you see is just the remains of my chakra used in a Forbidden Jutsu that was imprinted with my personality and cultivated inside my son, all imposed over a puppet's body. What I am is, a sentient cast off, of my former self. For lack of a better term. Truthfully, I didn't intend for this to happen. My original purpose was to serve as a onetime emergency measure to reseal the Kyubi if it came close to breaking its seal. And then, the Oogakari came, and well, everyone should have a good idea of what those people think of conventional rules and logic."

"We have an inclination of that by now, yes." Mei smiled wryly. "What of your wife? Former Hokage? I was under the impression she was in a similar state as you."

Minato shrugged apologetically. "Due to her forced return to Naruto at the end of the incident, she was accidentally mixed with the massive surge of Biju Chakra that Naruto took in. We managed to recover her, but it's taken some time for her to awaken again. She's actually woke up last night, however…" He looked to the side while laughing nervously. "There were some side effects that she still needs to get accustomed to. It actually delayed Naruto's recovery a small bit, which is partially why he's so exhausted today, and why I'm out for the time being."

The other part being Naruto trying to come to terms with the fact that he's overwhelmingly stupid rich now.

Truth be told, Kushina was still in a bit of a stunned stupor in a corner of Naruto's psyche. Between her changes and Naruto's sudden wealth, she needed some time to recoup.

There was clearly more to the story he was letting on, but given the circumstances and how much they all had to cover, those there had decided to let the matter go for now.

"So I suppose you are some sort of story teller now? It does not look good for the boy to heft the job onto his parent at such a critical stage." Onoki's jab was blunt, but not unwarranted given the circumstances.

"Understandable, but necessary. Most in this room are already aware that Naruto's condition is not ideal. We'd be delayed more if we expected him to update us on the entirety of our current situation, so we have decided to split the topics of conversation into two main sections. The first is regarding Akatsuki, what has led up to our current situation, and issues regarding Danzo and the other Sharingan wielder. Of which I will take charge of."

"And the other matter?" Ay frowned.

Minato smiled bitterly. "The other will have to do with the Oogakari, the "time travel nonsense" that everyone has heard bits and pieces of, Gods, and several other factors that, had I not witnessed firsthand, I would have brushed off as mere fantasy."

"I take it you have brought proof of this fantasy then?" Mifune asked, his eyes probing Minato for a single hint of misinformation.

The echo of a Kage simply smiled genuinely and held up the scroll that Naruto had nearly choked on moments earlier. "Of course, Mifune-dono. If anything, we have too much. In fact…"

"Done!" One of the clones shouted happily as it dropped the sound cancelling jutsu around it. "Ugh. I hate doing causality seal arrays. They take forever to get down. Stick me with the basic explosives and spatial arrays any day."

"Causality?" Shibuki asked warily, his skeptical gaze was matched by several others in the room.

"Have you tested it?" Minato asked warily.

"On it." The other clone sat down on the chair and cleared his throat, completely ignoring everyone watching it.

"I am severely addicted to ramen." The clone stated firmly, which wasn't surprising. What was out of the norm was the fact that his words materialized around him in thick red letters.

"And it is not a prob-"

KZRRRK!

"MOTHER FUCKER!" The clone swore at the top of his lungs as it was zapped with something and launched out of the chair and into the ceiling where it dispelled on contact.

The sudden display had more than a few shinobi half out of their seats and ready to fight.

Minato simply facepalmed and tried not to look at the other clone. "Naruto, did you check to see which version of the chair you were setting up?"

"Eheh. Oops?" The clone laughed nervously.

"I take it that wasn't supposed to happen, Namikaze-dono." Mifune asked, though there was clearly a hint of irritation in his voice.

"Somewhat." The dead Hokage grimaced before walking up to the chair's array and began to work on it. "This chair is supposed to replicate a… jutsu for lack of a better term, that we encountered during our travels. The Red Truth. It's self-explanatory, but the mechanics behind it are bit more complicated. There are other related variants we encountered at the time, but they're more ambiguous and complicated to implement in general."

"So it's some sort of over glorified lie detector?" Ay frowned. He knew Minato. Lie detectors were everywhere in one form or another. It couldn't be that simple.

"It doesn't detect lies so much as it only allows the absolute Truth to be spoken in red." Minato elaborated as he corrected the seals. "In order for that to happen, two main conditions need to be met. "The user must be confident that what they are saying is the truth". And in my opinion the real special part of this setup, "the truth must be recognized by the world itself". This sealing array taps into causality itself to verify and validate what's said is in fact true."

"So even if the person speaking believes they are right, they won't be able to speak in those red words unless it is actually true and not what they were made to believe." Mei blinked in genuine surprise. "That sounds beyond useful. Almost ominously so."

For shinobi, who live in the darkness and misdirection, there were few things that could do more damage to them than an absolute and irrefutable truth.

"It's clearly busted though." The other clone huffed. "Why would it zap the other me during the test? I didn't lie."

"…"

"Oi!"

Nobody bothered to acknowledge its stupid question.

"Is it supposed to react so violently?" Gaara probed.

Minato laughed sheepishly. "Ah. Aha. N-No, sorry. This modified version was intended as a party gag of all things. Ask drunk people embarrassing questions and make them say the truth or else. That sort of thing. The caveat was the people at the event were particularly, robust, in their body integrity so we modified the "punishment" for a false statement in order for them to feel anything. It worked well for a while…"

The clone then jumped in. "Yeah. Until that one freak had a turn with it and had waaaay too much fun spewing out random bullshit and getting hit every other second. Then nobody wanted to get near the damn chair. Let alone touch it."

Both the clone and Minato shivered at the suppressed memory. "… At the very least, the bonfire later that night was pretty sweet."

"Yeah, it was a nice bonfire." Minato nodded in agreement before clearing his throat as he felt everyone stare at him and focused on finishing the sealwork. What would take Naruto hours to try and correct was seamlessly and effortlessly completed in a matter of seconds. "Er, yes, but, to assure everyone, if someone tried to lie in Red, they would normally just feel a bit winded and feel like they are forcibly being choked on their words. A person can wear themselves out by trying to lie, but it is not a pleasant experience."

"An interesting tool." Hiruzen mused. "But it can't be that convenient."

"It's not." Minato agreed, getting up. "It's a difficult array to set up, and there are limitations. The Red Truth can't be answers to simple Yes or No questions, they have to be whole statements. And they can be up for interpretation. For example."

The man sat down on the chair and spoke. "There are at least five people in this room."

"Humph. That's certainly degrades its value." Onoki snorted. "But it doesn't prove anything. The chair and those pretty words could still be a trick."

"They could. Anything I say on this one way or another could be a trick. Someone else would have to sit on this and verify that this device is what we claim. Preferably not from Konoha." Minato nodded, looking around, clearly expecting a volunteer.

Asking for a shinobi to tell the unconditional truth was like pulling teeth.

From a Biju.

While it was awake and very much aware of what you were doing.

The involvement of potential Bijudama notwithstanding.

"I shall test it." Much to everyone's surprise, Konan stood up.

"Hooh? Are you certain about that, Akatsuki?" Onoki skeptically inspected her body language to see a hint of falsehood.

"Amegakure the most to lose from lying at this stage. If the chair is what Namikaze claims, then I see no reason not to use it to my benefit." The paper woman walked quietly to the chair and sat down without hesitation. "I take it all I need to do is circulate my chakra while I speak for the words to appear?"

"That's right." The clone nodded. "Give it a test."

"Very well." Konan closed her eyes as she placed herself at the mercy of the sealing array. "I was one of three orphans in Amegakure that was taught in the shinobi arts by Jiraiya of the Sanin for a year during the Second Shinobi War. Nagato Uzumaki, the former leader of Akatsuki and wielder of the Rinnegan, was one of the other two."

"WHAT?!"

"She's really starting strong, isn't she?" Shizune grimaced as she glanced at Tsunade, who held a strong front. They were going to suffer for that later.

"Before anyone makes any assumptions, Jiraiya and by extension the rest of us had been misled to assume they had all been killed soon after the Second War. We didn't know they were still alive until this mess, much less a part of Akatsuki. If Orochimaru had managed to connect the dots, he didn't tell anyone about it." The Hokage sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be enough for many in the room.

Konan wasn't done yet. "The original leader of Akatsuki was our third member, Yahiko. Akatsuki's original purpose was to free the land of Rain from oppression from the tyrannical rule of Hanzo of the Salamander and his constituents. Akatsuki was gaining power and notoriety when we were betrayed. Hanzo tricked us, claiming to want peace but set up a trap with Danzo Shimura, and Yahiko was killed as a result…"

The woman paused and frowned momentarily, bracing her body for something. "… The man in the spiral mask had encountered Akatsuki several times prior, requesting our aid for changing the shinobi world. Akatsuki rejected him on the premise that our goals were solely focused on improving the lives in Ame. Addressing international issues was not our priority. The masked man, who we called Tobi, is the one that killed our original forces and prevented rescue. We never found their bodies."

Judging from her tightening fists and pained expression, Konan only suspected the latter part. However if the chair and the Red Truth were functioning as intended, she had just gotten confirmation of suspicions that had festered for far too long.

"He was after Nagato. The Rinnegan."

The room was ominously quiet, though nobody needed the Red Truth to tell that Konan was particularly enraged as she made those particular statements.

"Try lying, woman. Speaking in red is pretty, but we need more than that." Ay grunted, still seething that Konoha was responsible for another one of the world's problems.

She frowned. "Hidan and Kakuzu are the ones that subjugated the Roku-?!" She hissed as her body jolted in sudden pain. It took her a few seconds to regain composure before she corrected her statement. "In the previous timeline, Nagato subjugated the Rokubi. In this timeline, I did."

"Oh?" Mei looked Konan curiously, though there was clearly a vindictive flame in in her gaze. After all, the Rokubi was Kiri's property. "So you are one of those that supposedly time traveled as well? You seemed to have taken your role as a spy rather seriously then."

"I obtained my memories of the other timeline at the conclusion of the invasion of Iwa." Konan corrected the Mizukage evenly. "Itachi received his three years ago."

The accused Uchiha pretended to ignore all the eyes turning to him. Sure. Throw the Uchiha under the bus. It's not like they weren't used to it by now. "It's true."

"Can you say it in red?" Onoki snorted sarcastically.

"She already did." Shibuki pointed out. "If the chair works as they said, then it doesn't matter who says it."

"Awfully convenient to be playing the spy all this time." Ay glared.

"If I had not played my role as I did, the sword master tournament would have turned out differently, Raikage."

"What was that?!"

"He has a point." Mei conceded reluctantly. "If he does have the Mangekyo Sharingan and can use Susanoo like Madara, then by all rights the incident three years ago should have turned out differently than it did. Especially with Kisame as his partner."

"I believe we have enough proof of the chair's ability." Mifune nodded to Konan. "You may return to your seat if you desire."

The current leader of Akatsuki quietly thanked the samurai and did just that.

"We're talking in circles again." Onoki was beginning to lose his patience and focused on Minato. Had he not been so irritated, he would have remembered to bring up Samehada at the mention of Kisame and how it was in his custody. "Someone start at the beginning so we can make sense of this mess!"

All eyes turned to Minato Namikaze…

"… The most treasured relic of the Uchiha Clan is an ancient stone tablet."

But it was Itachi Uchiha that surprisingly drew everyone's attention.

"It retells the story of the Sage of Six Paths, the Biju, the true nature of the Sharingan, the World Tree, and other details." The young man continued. "Its contents were hidden though. As one's Sharingan evolved, more information could be deciphered. Judging from the actions of Tobi and the timing of everything, it would be safe to assume that the man's goals are heavily based on this information, and his origins are from before the Hidden Villages were established."

"Most importantly however," he continued. "Were the details about the Infinite Tsukiyomi. An absolute genjutsu with limitless range that would put its victims under a permanent illusion, only possible once all nine Biju were gathered in one place under the full moon."

"And you believe that nonsense?" Ay balked.

Itachi opened his eyes to reveal his Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. The three sided shuriken design of his eyes was now made of evenly spaced shards, the lines making them travelling in and out of his sclera to give it a truly kaleidoscopic design. If Sasuke's EMS eyes contained his Sharingan design as a sublimated core in the middle of the original design, than Itachi had Sasuke's evenly spaced and integrated over his own.

"I am intimately familiar with the original Genjutsu, Tsukiyomi. I am capable of trapping someone in their own mind for over three days at my mercy, and yet have it only last a second on the outside. That said, I would not need anywhere near a single Biju's worth of chakra to achieve the effects of the Infinite Tsukiyomi on a single person. The idea of combining Tsukiyomi with the power of all nine, much less more… is something I would rather not envision."

He closed his eyes again, not bothering to take note that half the shinobi in the room had drawn their weapons against him.

"Regardless of the tablet's accuracy, the result of any technique with that sort of power requirements would be beyond catastrophic, and yet, I have not heard of anything else that ever demanded all nine Biju. When I was told Akatsuki was gathering the beasts for their plans, I knew something was amiss. Either the one making the plans was related to the Uchiha, or they possessed resources of similar ancient significance."

"And since our culprit has admitted to being an Uchiha during the confrontation in Iwa, it's safe to say that his plans likely stem from this tablet's contents. At least in some capacity." Mei mused. "That's as good of a lead as any. Though it would be nice to know when our man originally started to move."

"We know he was at least familiar with Madara Uchiha on a personal level." Ay grunted. "That monster zombie seemed to know exactly who the guy was when he was brought up, and surprisingly didn't look happy about what he was doing. So he's at least sixty years old, if not older."

"That is rather peculiar." Hiruzen spoke up catching everyone's attention.

"How so?" Mifune probed.

The old man rubbed his chin in deep thought. "Well, it is known that Hashirama-sensei was at a time close to Madara. What many didn't know was that while Madara did lead the Uchiha clan, he wasn't particularly popular or close to many of his clan members in a traditional sense. Surprisingly, Madara was somewhat of an introvert and had difficulty dealing with social events, in complete contrast to his confident and overwhelming demeanor when on the battlefield. His power and confidence made up for his charisma, or so Sensei claimed. Tobirama-sensei said as much as well, though his perspective on matters was always somewhat biased when it came to the Uchiha."

"So we have some ancient Uchiha running around making a mess of things that won't die, following the instructions to potentially recreate some super genjutsu off of some rock that an idiot wrote on centuries ago that happens to use all the Biju. Does that sum up everything?" Ay summed up the situation bluntly.

"… Surprisingly, yes." Tsunade relented. "You're skipping a few details, but all the key points are there."

"If it's that simple, then why on earth did he wait so long to move? Much less for us to notice him?"

"Because he didn't have the right tools." Minato frowned, crossing his arms and staring at the ground.

"The right tools?" Gaara was confused, as were many others.

"The right Sharingan. When Mangekyou Sharingan awaken, they come with their own special set of powerful jutsu. Black fire that burns for days at a glance. Absolute hypnosis that can enslave a target or trap them in their own minds for days in the span of a second. What Tobi was looking for were a particular set of eyes that enabled the user to use a special Time-Space technique to teleport oneself at a whim. Kamui. A tool that would make the user almost untouchable." Minato sighed. "A tool, that belonged to my former student, Obito Uchiha."

"Obito Uchi-wait. You mean the Uchiha that gave Sharingan Kakashi his eye?" Mei recognized the name after a moment, getting a reaction from the others there.

"Mmm." Minato held himself straight. "The battle of Kannabi Bridge during the third war. We thought that Obito died during that mission, and we never found his body, but… that monster all but admitted to torturing my student and keeping him alive to cultivate his Sharingan like some plant. It was clear he was interacting with Akatsuki for some time beforehand and making long term plans, however obtaining Obito's Mangekyou Sharingan gave him the confidence to accelerate everything."

"You mean to say that the earliest records of this individual appearing are shortly after the second war with Akatsuki, and the incident with your student with the third accelerated the schedule?" Onoki asked.

"That's what we had originally, yes." The former Kage looked at his current counterpart.

Tsunade got the hint. "Danzo Shimura's escape from Konoha was particularly rushed. Many of his documents escaped being burned in the process. During our investigation of his past activities, we found evidence of multiple interactions and mentions of this Masked Uchiha after the First War. Notably, shortly after Sensei became the Hokage."

"More specifically, after Tobirama-sensei passed away." Hiruzen corrected with a frown. He was missing something obvious. It was on the tip of his tongue…

"If the stories of the relationship between the Senju and the Uchiha are any reference, then this Tobi was waiting for the Senju to lose their greatest assets. Hashirama and Tobirama themselves." Shibuki lent his two cents to the conversation. "But that doesn't explain how the guy is still alive and so powerful."

"I can provide some explanation for that." In a patronizing and menacing tone, Kurama materialized himself out of Naruto and sat down on the desk in front of Tsunade.

"The Kyubi, I assume. An unexpected surprise. We had assumed you would refrain from participating in this event." Mifune, to his credit, didn't seem to react at all to the fox's appearance other than to look in his direction.

"The fool in the mask is as much an annoyance to me as it is to you. The sooner that monkey is dealt with, the better." Kurama scoffed, barely bothering to look around and take note of the shinobi ready to fight him at a moment's notice.

"You said you know how the Uchiha is keeping himself alive." Gaara probed.

"When Kushina and I tried to wrest my other half sealed in his body, we saw what he had done to himself. The pest grafted some of Hashirama Senju's flesh onto his own. Much like that coward that does nothing but hides and steals Sharingan." The fox yawned. "The vitality of Hashirama mixed with the potent chakra of a moderately talented Uchiha prolonged his life and preserved his strength beyond what his natural limitations."

"The First Hokage's flesh?" Shibuki frowned. "I knew he was strong, but just by grafting his flesh you could extend his life by that much. If he was so strong, why isn't he still alive now?"

"It was a combination of overwork and the wounds that Madara Uchiha inflicted on him in the valley of the end." Tsunade elaborated. "The constant wars and battles that took place before the Hidden Village system was established did not do his health any favors either. His body could regenerate from countless wounds, but the microscarring and stress eventually accumulated into something that even his absurd body could not handle. He died of heart failure in his early forties."

"And yet this bastard running around managed to get his literal pound of flesh despite all that." Ay noted. "From Hashirama Senju no less. There aren't many that could claim such a feat."

"Apparently." Tsunade relented. "Assuming that was the cause, and Tobi is a product of that time, then his actions make sense. He bid his time until my grandfather and granduncle were out of the picture before starting to make moves to his ultimate plan. Ironically, Danzo proved to be of great help in finding out more about him. Paranoid old bastard didn't trust anyone and kept tabs on everyone, the Uchiha included."

"Ironic indeed. An enemy of an enemy is not always a friend after all." Mei's eyes shone with curiosity. "Care to elaborate? I somehow doubt that Tobi focused all of his attention on Konoha all this time."

"He didn't." Tsunade took out some documents and held it up in front of everyone. "Danzo traced sightings of a "man with a one eyed mask" in several locations, though they were notably rare. He was good at covering his tracks. That said, he did appear to spend quite some time in the smaller countries shortly after the Hidden Villages were established. Specifically countries that played a role in stoking the flames of the First shinobi war. Uzushio was often a victim of his actions in some capacity. After my granduncle passed, he seemed to focus on picking off notable members of the Senju and Uchiha clan. Though nothing was proven, Danzo suspects he was also involved in something called the Kamiyume incident, which heavily impacted the Uchiha's powerbase shortly after the village was founded."

Itachi's eyes widened notably. Few missed it.

"I take it you recognize the name?" Ay probed.

It clearly took a few moments for the young man to regain his composure, but he returned to normal regardless. "The Kamiyume incident is the greatest disaster never recorded for the Uchiha, and the reason why the Mangekyou was a secret even from most its elite members in the current era. At the height of the clan's prominence, between the establishing of the village and Madara's betrayal, when there was an abnormally large number of wielders of the Mangekyou, the clan nearly imploded. Too many wielders of powerful forbidden jutsu fought madly for power and control. Records say that it took the combined might of Madara and Hashirama to quell the madness, but at the end the clan's strength was a fraction of what it once was regardless. In order to prevent a repeat of the madness, the remaining elders and leaders put in efforts to actively prevent more Mangekyou from appearing and restricted all knowledge of it on a need to know basis. Those that broke the gag order without probable cause were punished severely."

In fact, part of the reason why the Uchiha were heavily involved in internal security for Konoha from early on was to keep them away from the front lines and lessen the odds of them going insane or their eyes mutating in the first place.

"Uchiha. If you aren't making disasters for someone else, you're tearing yourselves apart. Why am I not surprised?" Ay snorted, completely unaffected by the story.

"Sordid history aside, I'm getting a better idea of how this cowardly bastard functions." Onoki mused. "He stuck to smaller targets and those he knew he could target easily while the ones he were afraid of were still around, moving to bleed the bigger fish dry over decades when they were gone. Then when he got this Obito Uchiha's eye and this timespace jutsu that came with it, he grew confident enough to try and take on the whole world. Does that sound right?"

"More or less. He's a patient coward to his core." Tsunade nodded. "Fortunately, he lost said eye when confronting Kushina in battle, however that begs the question as to what his next move will be. We don't know whether he will go back into hiding because of this or resort to more radical methods out of desperation now that his existence is blown. He boasted during his battle with Kushina that he had been looting Uchiha corpses for decades. We can't risk assuming that he doesn't have other Mangekyou Sharingan at his disposal."

"Why use someone else's eyes?" Shibuki probed. "Tobi's supposedly an Uchiha, correct? Why bother with them at all if there's nothing to gain from it?"

"We have ideas, but it's mostly just hearsay and guesswork. It's difficult enough to get general information on the man." Tsunade relented.

"Bloodlines aside," Mei cut in as she tried to summarize the situation. "We have a rough idea of who we are dealing with, and what is objective, or at least his original objective and intent for the Biju were. Danzo Shimura clearly becomes a factor later. Akatsuki was clearly intended to be a tool for him to achieve his goals, with the Rinnegan user as its driving force and way to distract everyone from the true mastermind…"

"Supposed true mastermind." Gaara factually pointed out. "At least, if that black monster Zetsu is to be believed from his ranting when Naruto encountered that Kaguya woman and the Priest."

"One chain of conspiracies at a time, for everyone's sake please." Shibuki rubbed his temple trying to keep up.

"Agreed. We can go over whatever Zetsu is supposed to be, much less his plans, after we deal with an enemy that makes more sense. If that ever comes to pass." In hindsight, Onoki was kicking himself for not noticing just how off Zetsu was in the first place. Ever since the beginning, the plant man was an enigma that somehow stood out apart from the other members of Akatsuki. As diverse and insane as the monstrous mercenaries were, Zetsu was the only one that always seemed to scream "not human". He should have paid more attention to those instincts more when he dealt with the messenger of the organization.

"Ultimately, Tobi should be our primary concern seeing as Zetsu has more or less been addressed." Tsunade leaned back in her seat. "Danzo however is still obviously an issue."

"As is the necromancer that is controlling Madara Uchiha." Mei reminded them all. "You said his name is Kabuto Yakushi."

"Until Kabuto actively makes a move that threatens our current situation, he is a minor factor. Potentially even an asset if everything plays to our favor. Of course that also means that needlessly provoking him is also ill advised." Tsunade held her ground. "There's no need to make additional strong enemies when we can little afford it. Especially ones with Madara at his back."

"Agreed. Until otherwise proven, Kabuto Yakushi is considered a third party regarding Akatsuki. He is to be approached with extraordinary caution, but not with hostility. Are there any against this?" Gaara suggested.

"So long as he doesn't attempt to rob any of Kumo's graves." Ay huffed, getting a chain of nods from the other leaders in the room in agreement.

In the back of literally everyone's minds, they all knew that they weren't that fortunate. The Right Hand of Orochimaru would without question do something that would have everyone up in arms and after his head sooner rather than later. But until that shit show raised its literally undead head, they were at least willing to turn the other way to deal with more immediate issues.

Mifune spoke up. "If we are all in agreement on our stance regarding the one eyed Uchiha, Danzo, and Kabuto, I believe we can start to make a timeline on recent and relevant events to list their crimes, goals, resources, capabilities, and steps needed to ensure our respective villages' security in preparation for the future."

"Wait." Surprisingly, Shibuki cut off Tsunade and glared at Konan. "Before we progress, there is the matter of Akatsuki's recent crimes against Takigakure."

"Crimes? You mean other than their attempts at the Nanabi?" Ay asked, confused. "Or is this about that missing nin of theirs that's a member? Kakuzu?"

Hiruzen coughed to cut off Shibuki's growing anger. "A notable number of Taki's governing body were killed a few months ago. It's what prompted the recall of Fuu-chan, and led to an encounter with Akatsuki en route. Gai Might, Konoha's premier Taijutsu specialist was killed during the battle, along with some Jonin from Takigakure."

"Gai Might? Son of Duy Might? The shinobi that singlehandedly took out half of the previous generation of Seven Swordsmen?" Mei recognized the name instantly.

"Mmm. The Priest, Hidan, was responsible for it. I myself was almost among the casualties, and not for a lack of trying." Hiruzen admitted. "Hidan had, for lack of a better term, made contact with his God during the fighting. The battle had actually been manageable up until that point. Afterwards though… he couldn't be considered human. He broke out of a forbidden Uzumaki spatial array with nothing but malice and raw force. Even a bijuu isn't capable of such a feat."

"Sensei, please keep the talks of Gods for later." Tsunade advised before looking at Konan. "What do you have to say about the matter?"

To her credit, Konan didn't so much as flinch. "The execution of Taki's leading body was carried out by Zetsu, on Nagato's orders. We drew several similar plans for other Hidden Villages in order for easier access to their Biju. As you suspect, it was to expose the Nanabi for capture since it was too protected in Konoha. The discourse generated at the time also was in our benefit. That said, Hidan's… transformation, troubled us all upon his return. Whatever he had become was, unnatural. We had agreed to put him down after the invasion out of caution, but you are all aware of what happened."

"How!?" Shibuki slammed his hands on the table and stood up. "The room was closed and we found no evidence of intrusion!"

"Zetsu is more plant than human. He, or rather his white half, can spread spores that absorb the hosts' chakra and germinate into copies of himself. He is also capable of perfectly physically imitating anyone whose chakra he has absorbed, down to their very chakra signature. It's an ability that admittedly even scared Nagato and myself when we first learned of it." Konan elaborated shamelessly. "All he would need to do is take the place of one of your elders and attend a meeting in person. After enough time, everyone in the room would easily be subjected to his will so long as they weren't particularly capable."

"That explains why we never discovered those clones replacing our people until they exposed themselves." Gaara frowned, recalling the half a dozen men in Suna that turned into monsters recently. "I'm surprised you did not make more use of them."

This time Konan did shift slightly in discomfort. "… Nagato and I did not know of the planted clones. We were under the impression that there were limitations to Zetsu's abilities. Quantity and duration. We didn't want to risk exposing our hand. We found that a good number of shinobi in Amegakure were his products on my return. In hindsight, we should have been more suspicious. He was always close to Tobi."

Mei grimaced at the idea of a self-perpetuating enemy that could replace anyone they wanted with little limitation. "Fortunately, the mad priest seems to have done everyone a favor during Iwa's invasion. His powers seemed to have executed all of the clones in one fell swoop for us."

"Small mercies indeed." Onoki agreed.

"Konan of Amegakure, as its current standing leader, you understand that you and your village will be held responsible for past transgressions." Mifune stated diplomatically.

"We came here expecting such requests." Konan just as evenly replied. "Amegakure will accommodate the other Hidden Village's requests as best as we can, however we request that a certain level of discretion and levity is made until the issue with Tobi is addressed. His capture or execution takes priority. Crippling Amegakure's resources could impact that outcome."

Shibuki's hands clenched into tight fists, his anger on pure display for all to see. The other Kage just observed and waited for his counteroffer, and the following outcome.

"… You expect us to just accept that?" The young man spoke slowly, staring down Konan despite the significant power difference between them.

She didn't rise to the bait. "We understand that Akatsuki owes Taki, and the other Hidden Villages, a debt. However, that debt does not take priority over ensuring that this long overdue threat is addressed. A threat that still possesses half of the soul of the Kyubi and resources that even Akatsuki is unaware of. As one of the few organizations that has had frequent contact with the man, we are a critical resource to this task."

"My people won't simply accept that answer, Akatsuki."

"What more do you wish for then?" She tilted her head to the side curiously. "The blood of the perpetrator? Zetsu is already dead. In fact, your village probably has a few of his clone bodies still on the dissection table. The death of the one who planned it? Our leader is dead and his eyes are in front of me as we speak. The disbanding of Akatsuki? Itachi and I are all that is left in Amegakure. Those that remain are either off on their own or with the masked Uchiha. I am sorry to disappoint you, but there is little left for you to enact your revenge on anymore. If I may be so bold, I suggest you ask the Tsuchikage on his opinion on the matter, seeing as Iwagakure has a greater reason to hold us in contempt than you do."

Shibuki froze as he finally remembered that, despite just how badly his home had been affected by Akatsuki's actions, Iwagakure, a major hidden village, suffered far worse. And yet, the Tsuchikage had yet to voice his opinion on the matter, nor request restitutions.

Slowly, and with much reluctance, the teen glanced at Onoki, unsure of what exactly he was expecting or hoping to see from the Fencesitter.

What he saw, and what hurt more than annoyance or anger, was the pure indifference Onoki showed the young leader.

"… What are you looking at me for, boy? You are a leader, aren't you? Act like it."

The Raikage's minor snort of amusement to the other side only rubbed salt in the wounds.

"Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? Just because Takigakure isn't a major village, our misfortune doesn't matter as much to you?" Shibuki growled dangerously. "What do you expect for me to demand in a situation like this? Money? As if a simple donation would sate the anger of my people, and the damage and humiliation we've sustained?!"

"… Maybe." Surprisingly, it was Itachi that spoke up, causing everyone to look at him in surprise and confusion.

Or in Shibuki's case, rage. "Care to repeat that, Uchiha?"

Itachi didn't so much as twich at the young man's unspoken threat. "Will Kakuzu's money suffice?"

The room went dead quiet as his words were digested.

"… What?"

"Kakuzu. That's the Missing Nin from Takigakure, isn't it?" Mei asked confused. "Why would his money matter?"

"Kakuzu's was the one in charge of Akatsuki's finances. Separate from Amegakure's." Konan elaborated slowly, clearly contemplating Itachi's suggestion. "He's well known among us for being a miser, hoarding finances for himself. He valued money almost as much as Hidan valued his religion. But… he always kept his personal finances, accounts, and safehouses to himself."

"I know of at least eight." Itachi flatly corrected her.

"… What." This time it was Konan that was distinctively in disbelief.

"Kisame, Hidan, and Deidara made it a game to find as many as possible in their spare time and spread word of them to the rest of us behind Kakuzu's back." Itachi elaborated as if talking about the weather. "Kisame and Deidara raided one for a night of alcohol and gambling for Deidara's birthday last year, and Sasori emptied another out to purchase some equipment that piqued his interest for his puppets shortly afterwards."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Exactly how much money are we talking about, and how angry did it make Kakuzu?" Shibuki asked slowly, unsure about the idea himself.

"I suspect enough to affect a minor Hidden Village's annual GDP by a healthy margin. As for his anger, I was not there to witness the outcome, but Hidan stated that he thought that he might have actually died at one point when he finally came back from getting caught helping himself to another cache. Kisame thought it was hilarious."

"… I assume you are speaking about the time he disappeared for over two months last year." Somehow, despite her naturally stoic disposition and stiff stature, Konan seemed to die in front of everyone as her eyes became dull and devoid of even more emotion than before.

Those from Konoha could relate far too much to the woman's circumstance, even if they didn't want to.

"Yes."

Perhaps it was for the best that Kakuzu hasn't returned to Ame after the invasion.

"We're actually doing this childish nonsense?" Ay rolled his eyes.

"Hush you. If it will close this matter with little point of contention, I'm all for it." Mei chided.

"Ngh. Fine. Fine! I'll take the damn money as compensation. But on three conditions. That there is as much money there as you claim. That you can prove it's Kakuzu's to begin with. AND, only if you leave proof behind that it all went to Takigakure." Shibuki relented darkly.

"Leaving evidence at the scene of the crime? Vindictive little shit, aren't you?" Onoki's mouth twitched into a vindictive smirk.

"That bastard has been in our nightmares since the village was founded. If money matters so much to him, then I want him to know who made him suffer." The young man growled. "At best, it will all but assure that he will come back for it, and we will be waiting and prepared this time. And we'll use his money to do it."

"Humph. An obvious trap, but at least one with some payoff even if it doesn't work." Ay huffed. "Are you done with your tantrum, boy? Can we finally get back to topics that matter?"

"You're one to talk about tantrums…" Shibuki muttered under his breath before shivering under the Raikage's unsubtle killing intent. "Yes! Yes for god's sake! Are you happy now!? Let's talk about crazy old Sharingan stealing bastards screwing everyone's lives across history again!"

"Calm down, the both of you." Tsunade chided, ignoring Mei and Onoki chuckling at the Raikage's expense. "Now that we've gotten Takigakure's restitution out of the way, we can return to making sense of multiple unexplained disasters over the past fifty years. After that… we can deal with the bigger headaches."

"We're not going to discuss Iwagakure's restitutions?" Onoki asked with a mocking tone.

"Don't even try to play that game old geezer. The Oogakari can get away with it because they are insane. You can't."

"Hah. So much for blaming it on old age." The gnome shrugged helplessly with a shameless "oh well" expression. Sooner or later, Iwagakure would get its due. He was in no rush to have the matter addressed like Shibuki. "Do keep the history lesson short will you? Us old folks need our nap time. Right Hiruzen?"

"I'm fine with being forgotten and ignored in the corner with my pipe, thank you very much." The Third Hokage saluted with his pipe in hand at the edge of the room. The Daimyo next to him chuckled behind his fan in amusement.

"Tch."

"For the sake of time, we will keep to the base points for the incidents brought up. We can go over potential restitutions at a later date. Our priority should be on the actions, goals, resources, abilities, and potential of our enemies. If we need further verification, we can use the Chair of Red Truth on those related to the incidents. Are there any objections?"

"Let's get this over with." Ay crossed his arms, firmly displaying his thoughts on the matter. The other leaders all more or less appeared to be of the same mind.

"Very well then." Tsunade opened a document. "The first recordings of Tobi that Danzo managed to verify were shortly after the Hidden Villages were founded. He had been running interference with Uzushio's development…"

The reviews and reports ran deep into the day, and it was not a pleasant event. War was nearly declared between the five Major Villages at least eight times, most of them with Konoha as the source of the discord, not that Tsunade could blame anyone. Multiple concessions were made and then revoked in short order.

Ironically, those representing Akatsuki were the least involved in these heated discussions.

It was only after the dinner recess (where Naruto, still perpetually asleep, somehow almost drowned in a bowl of ramen that absolutely nobody remembered serving him), that they finally resolved the matter.

Tobi and Danzo needed to die, and it was going to be a pain in the ass pulling it off. They had done so much that there would be no trial, no jury, no capture, no grand execution. Hell, there wouldn't be any torture for information even if the opportunity presented itself. The pair were to be dead as of yesterday. End of story.

It was as simple as that.

"I don't know whether or not to call it a night or just end this blasted summit already." Onoki grunted, stretching in a way that popped his spine like bubble wrap.

"Getting close to your nap time, Tsuchikage?" Ay snarked.

"I'm surprised you're still here, Raikage. We all know that sitting down for long periods of time to actually listen to others isn't your forte." The elder shot back.

"Gentlemen, we have managed to make it this long without any disasters. I would be most appreciative if that record could continue." Mifune interjected before the argument could escalate. Again.

"Entertaining bickering regardless, I would like to see where this particular conversation leads." Mei purred, glancing at Naruto, who was still sleeping in Hinata's arms.

"Naruto. Naruto, wake up. It's time." Knowing all eyes were on her, Hinata gently shook the fox to rouse him up.

The small animal grunted annoyed and blearily opened his tired eyes to meet those of everyone else around him.

Surprisingly, he didn't say anything immature or crude. He didn't ask any questions. Hell, he didn't even try to go back to sleep.

Instead, with a heavy sigh, he floated out of Hinata's hold, swayed over to the chair of Red Truth, sat down on it, and transformed back to his human state.

It was the first time that half the people in the room saw him as he should be, half wrapped up in bandages to the point that he looked like Danzo, armed with a crutch, and with a tired glaze in his eyes.

"… You look like shit brat." Knowingly stepping out of line, Zabuza spoke his mind, getting a glare from the Mizukage that he pointedly ignored.

"Iwa did about half of the work. The other half came from trying to adapt to the chakra of seven Biju. Had to do some personal manual remodeling." Naruto gave a tired smirk.

"For the Hokage's sake, I hope that you will recover, boy. It'll be more than annoying to know that the one that's been hyped all this time and driving us mad is half dead." Ay leered skeptically.

The Jinchuriki for the Kyubi gave a deep and tired sigh before leaning back in his chair.

Here he was. Nobody had left yet, which was a good thing, but that just meant more people to try and convince of all the bullshit he was about to spew. He had gone over it countless times in his head, and he still felt like he would rather go up against the entirety of Akatsuki, minus Hidan, all over again than this.

He licked his lips in thought, trying to pick the right words to start things off. Something that would underscore just how absurd, yet serious it all was. Something that would drive the point home to those that wouldn't normally give him the benefit of the doubt.

"You guys… probably have seen it already. I'm not exactly the most coherent person at the best of times. So much to the point that you've heard or learned that everyone from Konoha tends to apologize for every other sentence that comes out of my mouth."

He let his head drop slightly, and slowly looked around to make sure that he made eye contact with every person in the room.

"I'm telling you in advance. Nobody's apologizing tonight."

o. o. o.

Omake: Holiday celebrations:

Finally.

Finally.

FINALLY.

"As much as I enjoy seeing you cry Ghost, I'd much rather it be out of anguish and fear than joy and rapture." Anko purred as she and Hana sauntered to an eager Ghost with robes on.

"Sex." Clearly his mind was on the verge of breaking if he was only capable of single word sentences anymore. The perpetual tears coming from his eyes and look of genuine hope on his face didn't help his case.

"Yes yes. You've suffered long enough. Scab showed us how much work you were doing behind everyone's back and thought you deserved a break." Hana gently brushed a hand across his cheek.

"In other words, you've been blueballed so hard that you're driving the rest of your folks nuts and called us in." Anko grinned as she took out a dildo and began to lick it. "Are you ready for your present, little boy?"

"Sex!" Ghost cheered as if he was a little child.

He completely missed the absolutely evil smiles on the two women he loved dearly.

"Well then." Hana smiled innocently and opened her robe in tandem with Anko…

Ghost froze.

Revealing that the pair were wearing extremely revealing, extremely sexy…

Extremely Christmas themed lingerie.

Ghost's glasses cracked, loudly.

o. o. o.

Waltz, Dima, and Saint Nicholas each enjoyed a beer from on top of the Hokage monument.

They continued to enjoy their drinks as a familiar bloodcurdling scream of utter despair and unequivocal rage met their ears.

"Looks like he got our present." Santa mildly noted.

"Yup." Waltz muttered.

"Mhm." Dima shrugged.

A wave of absolute murder washed across them.

"He seems pissed." The saint stated the obvious.

"Yup." Waltz muttered.

"Mhm." Dima shrugged.

The world bent and twisted.

Reality screamed.

Santa wasn't standing with them anymore.

"It won't be long till he comes after us." Waltz sighed, not moving at all save to pour more alcohol down his throat.

"Still worth it." Dima mimicked his partner in crime's movements before swallowing and holding out his bottle. "Merry Christmas Waltz."

"Merry Christmas Dima." Waltz met the man's bottle with his own with a light clank. "Good luck trying to survive this one. You know how Ghost gets whenever he's like this."

"Tis the season to spread the cheer, you ancient bastard. No point hogging all the fun to yourself." The Russian shrugged before tilting his head to the side curiously as if noticing something.

The two elderly men downed the rest of their liquid sweaters before setting them down on the uneven stone.

A roar of rage and a mutilation of pure time space later, and the bottles were all that was left on the monument.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

"Christmas Turkeyyyyy. Breakfast of Champioooooons. Full of formaldehyyyyyyyyyde."

If one ignored Crypt's head popping out of the ground, eating said glass bottles left behind.

"Beware the red nose, for it is the harbinger of the river truckers. They seek adequate tire pricessssss. And the formaldehyyyyyyde. But they are picky eaters. They forget the bacon. Only the bacon. Always the baaaacon…"

As the madman's head sunk into the ground and vanished, a roar from beyond the folds of reality echoed into this one.

"DAMN IT CRYPT!"

And with it came the smell of bacon.

The floor laughed menacingly.

o. o. o.

A/N:

This Version is Pre Beta!

Small A/N For Pre Beta!

Still haven't gotten a new beta yet! Because Christmas and Christmas means stuff like this! Merry christmahannuquanzikah!

Woo politics!

Muscular beaver woosh!

It goes after the Log but it fails because the Log is a lie and the muscular beaver is left disappointed!

But it's the Log! And it's Christmas so it's on FIRE and that makes it awesome again Woooo!

(In the background, the Detroit Lions continue to suck).

Woo anyway!

SO REVIEW! WORSHIP THE LOG! GHOST'S CHRISTMAS FUELED RAGE GREW THREE TIMES THAT DAY! AND REVIEW AGAIN!