When the squad of Guild crew circled around the huge trench in the snow, the heat in the air had not dispersed. With one command from their leader, they readied their avalanche probes and stuck them into the thick, compact snow. C-Sha's heart sank when the leader shook his head, and gestured to Asa. Once again, none of their probes connected with anything solid.
If Asa was tired, she didn't show it. She wasn't even scowling, as blue flames enveloped her gloves again, and the Guild crew retreated to a safe distance. After a few warm-up clawing motions, each causing the flames to burn brighter, she sent the giant flame beam forward with a swing, and a cloud of steam rose up, obscuring her and her team entirely.
The steam thinned, and the trench had doubled in width. More charred, smoking tree trunks were lying in the muddy, watery earth below.
With their current speed, maybe they could clear this part of the valley before sundown. Please make it so that they wouldn't need to camp here overnight and resume the search tomorrow. The wait was already unbearable enough, and if, in the end, Blanny was...
C-Sha shook the thoughts out of her head, rather forcefully, as she started making her way to the other source of rising steam. Like her fellow martial artists always said, fear was the mind killer, and the painful, short-lived peace before the actual fights broke out was where the real battle was won and lost.
Except that a battle might have already been lost, and she wouldn't know.
No, C-Sha clenched her fists together, and repeated the word over and over again in silence. I'm gonna have faith in Blanny, just like she has faith in me. I'm not gonna spread my own worries to the twins, and if that CPU really won the battle inside that cave, she sure as hell would not win against US when she came out.
"Flame Storm! Flame Storm! Flame—"
A distance away, Ram's increasingly frustrated yells were interrupted by a yelp, as multiple glowing comets shot through the veil of steam, and fell back down in an arching line. Immediately, C-Sha broke into a sprint, snow crunching under her heels.
The Guild crew had scattered before she reached there, leaving only a few craters in the snow. She heaved a sigh of relief—thankfully, no one was hit, before glancing down at Ram, who had this look of a rabbit caught in the headlight, still clutching her staff.
"Sorry! Wrong elemental attack!" She blurted out, as they made eye contact with each other, before waving to the crew, "Keep going!"
Little flames were swirling at the end of her staff again, when C-Sha leaped down and landed next to her. The still warm water vapor was clinging to her hair and clothes like a smothering blanket. Man, she really needed to grab a towel when she went back up, before all the moisture frosted over in the cold air.
"Hey, Rammy." As C-Sha put a hand on her back, she couldn't help but feel the girl shaking below her thick winter coat. "It's time to take a break, don't ya' think?"
"What? Why?"
"You've been at this for hours, and it's tiring you out. Let's go get something warm to drink."
"Okay, that just now? It's only a one-time thing!" Ram shook her head frantically, "I have it covered now! So lemme go—"
Before she could finish her sentence, a few stray sparks burst out of her staff's tip, causing her to cry out and let go of it. C-Sha winced when she closed in, and caught a few glimpses of the blisters on her fingers, before the light burns healed on their own.
"You're gonna hurt yourself, or someone else, if you keep this up." C-Sha shook her head and reached towards Ram, "Don't be stubborn, alright? Go drink some sweet stuff and recharge your magic. See how Rom's doing."
"No!" Ram wrenched herself free, before C-Sha could wrap her arms around her and lift her up. "W-We don't have time for that! Look, all this melted snow, they'll freeze up again before I come back!"
"That won't be a problem." C-Sha assured her, before yelling at the top of her lungs, "Hey! Asa! Would you mind covering this sector for a while?"
It proved to be a mistake. Before her reddish orange hair even appeared at the edge of the trench, Ram's entire body tensed up.
"Screw her!"
It was a little astonishing, really, how she could get almost as loud as Blanc when she was furious. Asa definitely heard that, and stopped in her steps.
"That's not a nice thing to say, Rammy—"
"No, really!" Ram stomped down on the muddy ground, for extra emphasis, "If she didn't waste your time with that stupid fight, you'd have gotten here before...this happened! And help big sis win!"
"It would have taken even longer if she didn't fly me here."
"It wouldn't have happened if she wasn't such a giant dummy! She knew who they were all along, how dangerous they were, and didn't say a thing?"
"Yeah, I gotta' admit, she is kinda in the wrong here." C-Sha sighed, as Asa's head shook slightly, then disappeared from her view. "But she's trying her best to help now, and blaming her won't—"
"I'M TRYING MY BEST TO HELP TOO!" This time, she was screaming even louder than Blanc. "Big sis is trapped in there, because we listened to her and sat there like dumb little kids! You can't just tell me to...sit at the side again, like some..."
Her voice abruptly trailed off, as she stared down at the rapidly cooling puddles, and her discarded staff. There were tears in her eyes now. "Oh. Geez. I am...being a dumb little kid again, right? Throwing a tantrum like that?"
"Rammy, don't say that." This time, when C-Sha pulled her into her arms and carried her up, Ram didn't resist. "You are scared. Sometimes, when we are scared, we try our best to tell ourselves that we aren't, that we are angry or calm or even happy. Blanny is really scared that you two will get hurt again, for example. And even the smartest people can make a lot of dumb decisions when they are overwhelmed."
"Are you scared?"
"Oh, Rammy, I'm not." C-Sha shook her head. "I'm terrified."
"I don't believe it!" Ram closed her eyes. "You are okay with waiting. Just...waiting, and knowing no matter how angry you get, you can't do anything."
She took a deep breath, and rubbed her eyes with her sleeves, "Yeah, that's the worst part, if we were fighting, at least we wouldn't have to think about all the terrible things that could be going on right now! We'd be all trying to beat the villain up! And I just...can't stand all this waiting!"
"...Why do you think I decided to learn how to fight, Rammy?"
"Because, I dunno, you are awesome?"
"Oh, I am." C-Sha chuckled, "But back then, I was just a scared little kid who was sick of waiting, waiting for all the bad things to come to me. So I started fighting, thinking it would make the fear go away, and I'd become this fearless maverick who could kick everyone's butts without breaking a sweat."
"I was wrong. There are always bigger, meaner baddies out there, and no matter how many times you win, you are always terrified before the next fight, wondering if this time, you're gonna lose." C-Sha let out a small laugh. "Folks who said they weren't scared of nothing? They are bluffing. Or they haven't been in a single good fight before."
"Eventually, you learn to keep on fighting, despite being scared. Other people are depending on you, and you aren't gonna let the bad feelings hurt you and knock you out of the fight. You don't always win—man, it wiped the floor with me while I was chained in that dungeon. But each time you do, it makes the whole thing easier, since you know what's coming."
"Blanny knows that. She won't give up, and no matter how badly she loses, she'll just climb back up again, 'cause she's never gonna leave you two alone, and leave her people without a protector." C-Sha looked into her eyes. "That's why I have faith in her. She'll be feeling it, even if she can't see us, and she's gonna feel your faith too."
"But I'm not as good as her at this whole 'being brave' thing. I just get mad and..." Ram averted her gaze. "Take it out on other stuff."
"No, you have her spunk, Rammy. You're just a wee bit green when it comes to fighting this new big bad inside yourself. Let's go buff you up with some hot drinks and potions, then we'll come back for a Round 2. Alright?"
After a few muffled sniffles, Ram nodded, without a word, and gave her a thumbs-up with both hands.
Arc of flames. She put down her card. Rom raised her staff. More flames.
Rinse and repeat.
It was weird, how she could follow Rubis just as easily as she followed Ram's movements during a fight. Which was good. If she focused on repeating the staff moves Mina taught them, and making sure the magic stayed under control, she wouldn't have time to think about anything else, like how Blanc might not...
No. She cried while she was flying, she cried again when they started cleaning away the snow, and she wouldn't cry this time.
When Rom readied her next flame attack, she closed her eyes and imagined hitting the evil beetle CPU—if she got angry, maybe her attacks would be stronger, and she could melt the snow faster.
She didn't have the chance to find out, because immediately, it went off-aim and exploded above the trench. She put a hand to her mouth, and sighed in relief when she didn't see anyone standing there.
"Are you tired?" Rubis walked to her side, concern written all over her face. "If you want a rest, just tell me. I'll keep working while you are gone."
"N-No, Miss Rubis."
She shouldn't have stopped moving. The moment Rom muttered these words, she heard her own voice cracking, and before the sniffles could overwhelm her, she hastily turned and raised her staff again.
"Rom, listen to me." Rubis gripped her arm. "When Mina first taught you magic, what did she say?"
"T-That you have to commit to your moves, stick to the instructions...and keep a clear head."
"Correct. If you are trying your best to stop yourself from crying, you don't have a clear head. You will make mistakes." The next second, she was pulled into a hug, "So cry. It doesn't make you weak. It means you are smart enough to take care of yourself, and keep going in the long term."
She wasn't bawling after that, but she came close. When she pulled away, wiping the tears with her own sleeves, it did feel better compared to the previous times she cried.
"T-Thanks, Miss Rubis," she said, still sniffling a little. "I'm ready to go."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," Rom said. "I wanna ask something, though."
"What is it?"
"You are really good at staying calm...and keeping everything under control." Rom smiled. "Can I learn how to do that too, Miss Rubis?"
Rubis flinched. She didn't smile back. The metal card slipped out of her palms, falling onto the snow below, and for a moment, she just stared at it in absolute silence.
"Umm? What's...wrong?" Rom took a step back. "Did I..."
These words broke her out of her daze. "No, Rom! It isn't you. I was just..."
Her voice trailed off. For a moment, it seemed like she was going to bend down and pick up that card, but she only moved her hand a little before it dropped back to her side again.
"Are you scared?" Rom regretted it as soon as she blurted these three words out. Of course she was scared. Her sister was trapped down there too, inside her giant robot. "It's...okay. I'm sure they'll be okay."
"Oh, Rom. I really shouldn't be telling you this. I know, very clearly, that not everything is my fault." She shook her head. "It would be quite self-centered and arrogant of me, to keep thinking like that. But I couldn't help but feel that my very presence is a misfortune."
"Why?" Rom frowned. "Is that why you've been hiding from everyone? Because you think your bad luck will—?"
"No. It's because I am an awful sister and guardian, who should never be let near any future CPUs of Lowee." She bit into her lips, "Who tries to force everyone to conform to my ideas of right and wrong, whether by manipulation or force, and I have not changed a bit in all these years."
"N-No. You haven't gotten mad at us, or forced us to do things? I don't think you are a bad person, Miss Rubis..."
A sad chuckle. "She didn't think so, either."
"Who?"
"Dameko's Candidate. Her name is Rokushi, and she would become Lowee's fourth CPU. You really remind me of her, before she became a Goddess. Quiet, always keeping to herself, but she's much more anxious and jittery," There was a distant look in Rubis's eyes again, "And when she was really, really stressed, she would have this nasty migraine."
"As a result, she hardly went outside, and just stayed around Dameko all day, because she was fun and nice and wouldn't make her feel stressed out. Dameko didn't see a problem with it. I was still running the nation for her, even after my retirement, and when she did need to step in, she'd just transform into Mauve Heart, who was like...a teenage version of regular me."
"It wasn't like I'd let her make the reforms she wanted. She had ideas about where to take Lowee, but these were just ideas, and I could always find a way to shoot them down. No wonder she stopped trying and just wanted to spend a good time with Rokushi." A pause, "And I took that away from her too."
"Rokushi couldn't keep isolating herself from the people. If she kept thinking she was flawed and useless because of her migraines, she might not be able to become a full CPU when the time came. See, no matter how powerful and competent you really were, if you lack conviction, if you don't have a burning faith in something, whether it is yourself or others..." Rubis shook her head, "The Sharecite wouldn't believe in you either."
"Instead of making her proud of who she was, I also didn't believe she, as her timid, anxious self, could be a good CPU. I told her she had to believe in something greater than herself, to have absolute confidence in Lowee's traditions and people. If she thought she was worthless, she could at least take solace in the fact that all of us, if we couldn't ensure Lowee's survival and prosperity, were equally worthless."
"We were only valuable when we were serving the nation." Rubis's voice had gone as cold as ice, as she uttered these words. "All of us, when the time came, should be ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. To die for Lowee without any hesitation."
"Really? But I don't think I'm..." Rom was almost ashamed at how weak her voice sounded at the moment. "Do you still—?"
"No. That was the most messed-up thing you could teach a kid. She didn't know whether she should believe me, either, because Dameko was telling her very different things, that she should just relax, have fun, and when the time came, she'd learn how to be a good CPU on the rope. That was how it went for Dameko. Why would it be any different for her?"
"It all changed when Lastation declared independence. Dameko was following my advice regarding that trade treaty, despite her reluctance, and took full responsibility for it after the whole thing blew up. Her retirement would only be a matter of time, and Rokushi no longer had the leisure to figure it out slowly. She had to become a full CPU, before Lastation gained theirs."
"But that mysterious 'good CPU-ness' Dameko told her about was nowhere to be found. She was so afraid of failing that she ran away to hide in the wilderness. People were panicking, there was a sharp drop in faith, and, in a last-ditch effort, I did the worst possible thing I could do."
"I made a public announcement, saying that it was my failing as a guardian that caused Lowee's Candidate to abandon her duty, and I would compensate for this failure..." Her voice was shaking now, "By ending my own life. I meant it. Everything was spiraling out of control, and if I had to die to get everything back on track, to ensure Lowee still had a future, I would do it in an instant."
"Of course she came back after that. She couldn't bear having my blood on her hands. She was a good kid." Rubis let out a bitter laugh.
"Right after she became Onyx Heart, Dameko exploded at me. In her exact words," Her voice gained a seething vitriol, "Die as this sad old martyr so people would not notice how you've been a complete dummy and control freak. Live as the savior who helped my Candidate become a proper CPU through your tough love. It all works out for you in the end, doesn't it?"
"I-I guess it did?" Rom paused. "People said a lot of things they didn't mean when they were mad, and I..."
Her words faded into a bunch of muffled noises. This was too messy. Too hard for her. But it wouldn't be hard for Ram. Her sister was confident and knew what she liked and didn't like in people. She just needed to follow her, and if Ram got it wrong, at least they were...wrong together.
Maybe Rubis and Dameko would rather be wrong together, too, back in their days.
"It didn't work out for anyone involved. Rokushi...became the best of her, and the worst of me. Onyx Heart was this cheerful kid who embodied all that was good about Lowee, and she almost never appeared to the people in human form, because her anger problem was worse than anyone you'd met." Seeing Rom's expression, she added, "Yes, even your sister's HDD."
"She hated everything about herself as a Candidate, and would ruthlessly chew out anyone she saw her past flaws in. That, alone, was enough to terrify many of her Basilicom staff into quitting their jobs and leaving for Lastation, which only made her more angry and determined to stick to Lowee's traditions at all costs, even when it was no longer wise or sensible."
"The worst thing was, Rokushi thought I had done her a favor. When I tried to apologize, she dismissed it as humility. She told me she'd have done the same thing to her own Candidate, was she in my position. She thought I was this perfect paragon who could do no wrong, until the day she died to the Deity of Sin."
The steam in the air had frosted over, creating a faint white shade over Rubis's ribbon and hair. With how still she was, she almost looked like a snow statue.
"Rom, I didn't stay hidden because I didn't like you, or your twin, or Blanc. Every time I saw you, I saw her too, and how could I trust myself to not mess all of you up in the same way I messed her up?"
There were no tears in her eyes, just a deep, deep exhaustion in her voice, as she buried her face in her palms. Like she didn't have enough tears left anymore.
"Whenever things don't go according to my expectation, I slip back into what I know best—manipulation and control, thinking I'm steering people back onto the right track, when I'm just sending them down a cliff."
"Wow. Miss Rubis," Rom put a hand to her shoulder, after a long silence. "You...you really are like my sisters."
"No. For one, I would have been a decent, brave person and not a miserable coward."
"I-I know, it's not as...drastic." Did she use that word right? She hoped she did. "But, both Ram and big sis...they can be really caught up in what they think is good, for me and for us, without asking if I'm okay with it."
Rom clenched her fists together. "I could get mad too, you know? When they were like that? I-I'm bad at saying stuff out loud, so they didn't even notice it half of the time. U-Until I stood up for Miss Nepgear, and told them, and t-they listened. Ram still dragged me into things I don't wanna do sometimes, and big sis...was in trouble now, because she thought she could handle it all by herself."
"But they are trying. Trying their best," Rom said. "And you are trying too, Miss Rubis. You know you are...wrong about a lot of stuff, and is trying to not act like a meanie again. I think that makes you a nicer person than before. Even if you didn't think so."
"I..."
"I-I'm glad you come back." Slowly and shakily, Rom reached out a hand to her, grinning. "Together, we can be one big family again, right?"