Summary: Set directly following Chosen, Buffy is having a hard time following the death of Spike. She pushes everybody away but she's going to need all the help she can get.

Chapter One

Buffy jumped down off the top of the school bus and looked around. Dawn opened the emergency exit door at the back of the bus and jumped down and gave Buffy a warm hug.

"I don't understand. What did this?" Asked Giles looking around.

"Spike" Buffy replied.

Buffy walked away from the bus a few feet toward Sunnydale, which was now a vast cavern. The "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign still stood, perched precariously on the edge of the canyon. The sign teetered a little before falling backwards into the pit that used to be the town.

Buffy fought back tears as she remembered how Spike told her he always made it his mission to knock down the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign when he entered the town.

The group began chattering about their next move all Buffy could think about was how she'd finally said those three little words to Spike when it was too late.

"Yeah Buffy, what are we gunna do now?" asked Dawn

A small smile crept across Buffy's lips, he gave her her freedom.

XXXXX

Buffy had remained quiet since they all piled back on the bus and started to head god knows where. The bus was full of loud chatter from the newly crowned slayers of the world, Vi and Rona giggled along with Kennedy talking about their new found strength. While Willow had her arms around Xander who had cried himself to sleep over Anya's passing. Andrew and Faith were talking about some nonsense whilst Giles and Robin rolled their eyes.

Which left Buffy sat alone in the seat in front of Dawn. She'd barely spoke a word, Dawn watched as her sister gazed out of the window at the passing scenery. Dawn looked into her bag and made sure she still had it, she sighed with relief when her fingers touched upon the black box. She attempted to pull it out of her bag when she heard Giles shout up from the front of the bus

"There's a motel up ahead, I suppose we should bed down to the evening" he yelled over the chatter.

"Do we have the bucks for that?" asked Faith

"I managed to squirrel away some funds… just in case" said Giles

"Well alright!" smiled Willow "I could use a shower and a good sleep"

The chatter became louder as everybody argued who was sharing with who.

"Buffy should get her own room… I kinda feel bad for stealing hers for the last few nights" said Faith

They nodded in agreement.

Buffy didn't hear much of the conversation, she was too busy lost in her own thoughts. Thoughts of him… their first kiss… the way he looked at her when he found out she was back… her thoughts were interrupted by Dawn gently tapping her shoulder, the group had scrambled off the bus and were in the motel reception waiting for the keys to their rooms

"We're here… I'm not too sure where here is exactly but it's a pit stop" said Dawn

"Okay…" said Buffy

"You've got your own room, y'know to shower… sleep" Dawn told her

"Okay" said Buffy remaining seated

"Are you gunna go in?" asked Dawn

"What? Oh… yeah. Long long day"

"I get it, c'mon" said Dawn taking her sister by the arm and leading her off the bus

XXXXX

Dawn had managed to get Buffy into her room. Buffy looked around. The motel was as basic as basic came. Buffy strolled over and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"So if you need anything I'll be just next door. I'm sharing with Vi" said Dawn

Buffy barely acknowledged her

"Okay… so I'll see you in the morning" Dawn kissed the top of her sisters head before walking towards the door. "Are you gunna be okay?"

"Huh? Oh yeah I'm fine" said Buffy

Dawn nodded, she thought for a moment before digging around in her bag. She slowly pulled out a black box with a pad lock on the front and placed it on the nightstand. Buffy looked at her sister with a frown

"It's Spike's… he uh… he asked me to give it to you if… Y'know" Dawn headed towards the door "I guess he wanted to you have it, in fact he pretty much told me that if I didn't give it to you that he'd come back and haunt me"

Buffy smiled a little

"I mean can you imagine, a vampire ghost?" Dawn chuckled "Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow morning"

"I love you Dawn" said Buffy

Dawn smiled "I love you too"

Dawn closed the door behind her. Buffy trailed her fingers along the wooden box, it was old she could tell Spike probably had this box from his human days. She noticed the padlock on the front, she wiggled it a little and it popped open. She sighed heavily before opening it.

Laying on top of the box was a video tape with a note her name written on the front in elegant script. Buffy had always imagined his hand writing to be messy but this was some of the most neat handwriting she'd ever seen. She grabbed the video tape and popped it into the vcr and sat down in front of the tv.

The fuzziness cleared and there he was standing in her basement. He looked good, she remembered that day. Andrew had been following everybody around with a video camera. She smiled

"Is it on?" Spike asked

"Yeah go ahead" said Andrew

"Not with you here, sod off! I'll call you back down here when I'm done" said Spike

Andrew whined and Spike growled. Buffy heard Andrews footsteps quickly going up the stairs.

"So here we are Slayer" he smiled a little "We won, not that I ever doubted it or you. Although it probably means that I'm not there with you"he said solemnly.

"These last few nights holding you have been the best nights of my life, I will treasure them for eternity. You've been the light of my life for so long now and although I'm no longer by your side I need you to keep shining for me luv" he smiled before quickly carrying on

"So the box… there's some pieces in here that I want you to have. It's just stuff that I've kept hold of over the years. But there's some things in particular I want you to have. There's a necklace, it's yours I got it for you during our 'engagement' fiasco I thought it was pretty."

Buffy pulled out the necklace from the box. It was a dainty gold necklace with an emerald pendant. She quickly put it on and sat holding the pendant in her hand as she carried on watching

"And no before you start harping on I didn't steal it. I bought it, all legit" he told her, she laughed at how irate he got explaining it

"And then there's my skull ring well I suppose your engagement ring I thought it was only right you have it"

Buffy quickly dug around in the box and found it she smiled as the memory of their engagement flashed through her mind

"This last piece I want you to have isn't really of great value it's more sentimental it was my mum's wedding ring. She would've loved you" he smiled and sighed

She found the ring in a black velvet pouch. It was a simple gold band she admired it before placing it on the third finger of her left hand.

"So that's it anything else in there is yours, just promise me that you'll go on. You have to go on living. For me… I love you Buffy"

He stood there for a moment and then came towards the camera. He was fiddling with the buttons on the camera "Andy! Come and turn this sodding camera off!"

The video cut to black.

XXXXX

The gang had all met in the diner across from the motel. They had munched down on several plates of pancakes before they realised that Buffy wasn't present.

"Should we go get her?" asked Willow

"I think she might need a little time…" said Dawn

"You said she was okay" said Giles

"Well yeah… okay in the not dead sense" Dawn told them "She barely spoke two words last night"

"Is it blondie?" asked Faith

"I think so" Dawn shrugged

"But she's not like catatonic right?" asked Xander

"No… at least I don't think so. She's just hurting" Dawn said sadly

"I'll go get her" said Willow

"Nah… I'll go" said Faith shovelling in a last forkful of pancakes

XXXXX

Buffy spent the night watching the video of him over and over again until she fell asleep on the floor.

She woke to the sound of somebody knocking on the door. She got up, grabbing the box and put it safely into her bag before she opened the door.

"Hey B" said Faith pushing past her and striding into the room

"Good morning" Buffy sighed closing the door

"You missed breakfast" said Faith slumping down in the chair in front of the tv

"Not hungry" Buffy shrugged

"All I seem to be doing is eating, it's like a bottomless pit…" Faith caught herself "Sorry I didn't…"

"It's okay" said Buffy

"I know you two had a thing" said Faith

"What?" asked Buffy

"Blondie? The other vamp with a soul? Spike?"

"Not recently" Buffy told her

"Oh do you think we're stupid? You spent the last few nights all snuggly. You loved him" said Faith

"I love him" Buffy corrected her "There's no past tense about it. He may be gone but I still love him… y'know I just want to be left alone"

"I'm sorry… I came to get you, we're in talks of where to head to next. Thought you might wanna be in on that"

"Right… baby slayers" said Buffy

Dawn slipped through the door, "Hey Faith, Giles wanted to talk to you"

Faith nodded and left the room.

"Giles didn't really want her" Dawn confessed "I just figured that you'd want some space"

"Thank you" Buffy flashed a brief smile

"You opened the box then" said Dawn gesturing to the necklace around Buffy's neck.

"Uh yeah" said Buffy touching the emerald pendant "There was something in there for you too"

"There was?" Dawn asked with a smile

Buffy went over to her bag and took out the black box. She dug through it until she found what she was looking for and handed over a small leather bound book.

"It has a note on the inside" Buffy told her

"Nibblet…" Dawn started to read out loud "it's been a while since he called me that"

"Nibblet, the little sis I never had. Be good, don't cause too much trouble for your sister. Take care of her for me. All my love Spike" she smiled through her tears

"He loved you" said Buffy

"I was so… detached from him this last year" Dawn said sadly

"You had your reasons" Buffy reminded her

"The summer you were gone. He tried so hard to make me happy, he taught me a lot. He was the big brother I never had… I'll miss him" Dawn cried

Buffy put her arms around her sister "Me too"