Top O' The Morning To All The Heroic (or dumb) People who have been following me through this dumb shit. So, as requested (K: By no one- A: I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that.), there is gonna be a lemon in this chapter. I'll mark it with some BOLD text, so that you can just casually skip past it, without appreciating the time and effort I put into this.
Regardless, enough ranting, lets continue where we left off.
(K: Wait, why am I getting less and less lines with the passing of chapters?
A: IDK Kami-Chan, I guess you just aren't that interesting anymore.
K: Well, what am I supposed to do? Mongolian sin Z?
A: That would be pretty fucking weird, not gonna lie.)
Venti was feeling hopeful. He had no idea how he was going to calm Dvalin down, but now that he knew that Aether could free Dvalin of The Abyss' influence, he was happy.
He had a plan. Venti dragged him to the Cat's Tail tavern by hand (which did raise some eyebrows), where they could talk in private.
Venti and Aether tried ordering beers but Aether was deemed too young by the bartender and was given only apple cider. Disappointed, they retired to the second floor and began to discuss their plan. The first had to sneak the god's harp or whatever that shit was called, the thing that was on the teachings of ballad as well.
They formulated their plan drinking, while trying to look cool, which was pretty fucking hard to do considering that Venti was literally just a girl with a penis, and Aether had no clue what the fuck was going on. In the end, here is the plan that they formulated.
We steal lyre.
We got to starsnatch cliff.
I sing to Dvalin.
You purify him.
He Free, We Free, Mondstadt Free.
Yeah, it was simple enough for Aether to follow along.
So, they went to one of Aether's houses to wait for nightfall, since he basically owned half of mondstadt.
(K: I mean let's be honest, if you had money, wouldn't you invest it so it could grow more?
A: idk man, I'd probably buy 100 giraffes and make them fight to death in an arena, battle royale style.
K: …What is wrong with you?)
So, Venti and Aether beat up some Fatui diplomats and stole their clothes, since black clothing would be less visible at night. It wasn't quite necessary though, because even if they had worn their regular outfits, two Fatui Diplomats, lying unconscious and naked at the fountain, would have drawn more attention than two kids snooping around anyway.
So, they broke into the cathedral using their sneak 100 stats and Went to the basement where the music thingy was kept. But, to their surprise, it was heavily guarded. This wasn't going according to plan. Anakin, start panakin, I don't have a planakin.
But, they had made the decision to steal the music thingy, so they had to steal the music thingy.
"You have to steal it." Venti said, pulling Aether aside.
"Why tho? Why can't you do it? My reputation will be destroyed in Mondstadt, if I get caught stealing the music thingy." Aether asked, slightly concerned.
"Because I am not as athletic as you. Plus, considering how much the deaconess fangirls over you, news probably won't even leave the cathedral if you get caught." Venti replied.
"I mean, it's hard to argue with your assessment. Fine I'll do it." Aether said, after a moment's thought.
"Alright, go get em." Venti said, giving Aether a gentle push.
Aether started sneaking towards the music thingy.
Venti started playing the Mission Impossible theme song. (K: Pretty badly too I must add. A: Shut up, He's trying his best)
Venti served as a distraction while Aether sneaked towards the music thingy. He reached it when suddenly, a fatui mage appeared out of nowhere and grabbed it before he could.
"I'll be taking this, dear." She said, preparing to teleport but was hit with a slap from nowhere.
"Ow, did you just slap a woman?" The mage said, rubbing her cheek and finally looking at Aether.
Aether had a weird grin on his face.
"Yes, I did. I believe in true gender equality. I'm not afraid to dropkick a woman." Aether said.
At this point most women would have ran out screaming for help and probably killed him for being a sadist. But, Fatui mages are major hornbugs. It's in their genes. So, instead of being scared and running away, leaving the music thingy behind (as aether hoped, since he really didn't want to fight and draw attention of the guards), she was actually quite interested in this person.
"I have heard stories about him from the fatui diplomats and he seems like a real softie, but I guess there are two sides of a coin. Not that I particularly dislike this side either." She thought.
"How about a deal?" The fatui mage said, seductively. "If you give me a kiss, I'll let you have the harp."
"What? There is no way-" Aether said, but was cut off by a strong kiss from the mage, as he felt her body press against him.
Aether's plan had failed. If a certain Kazuma had been in this world, he would have been pissed off that his weird virgin tactic worked out this way.
"I'm not taking no for an answer." She said, as she pulled her lips back, a trial of saliva hanging between their lips.
"I hate to stop now, but the guards are coming here to investigate the disturbance. Squirming like an octopus when I tried to kiss you really came back and bit you in the ass, didn't it? See ya." She said, again disappearing into thin air.
Well, that was easy. He had the music thingy now. Half of Aether expected her to attack him and the other half expected her to report him for being a pervert. This wasn't expected. Sure, he almost died from being unable to breathe due to her long tongue blocking his throat, but at least he had the music thingy now.
So, he sneaked back to base camp where Venti was still singing like a dumbass. The guards had already decided that he was probably a crystal head, who somehow broke into the vault and started singing out of the blue. Anyway, he wasn't causing any issue, so they let him be and decided instead to focus the sound that had come from the direction of the music thingy.
(K: why is everyone calling it a music thingy? Doesn't it have a name? A: Do you know what it's called? K: …. no. A: Exactly, now shut.)
Aether sneaked past the guards and finally reached Venti, who with his aggressive singing was practically a beacon now. Music thingy in one hand, he grabbed Venti and slung him over his shoulder and ran away as fast as he could. (Which was pretty fast, since all the players always made him dash and run, poor guy.)
Venti was broken from the trance he had fallen into, and saw that he was slung over Aether's shoulder and Aether had the music thingy in the other hand.
Then, he suddenly fell on his ass. Aether had reached the pub and thrown him down on the ground of the second floor.
"Now, what?" Aether said, huffing, tired from running while carrying Venti and his thicc ass.
"Why did you do that?" Venti said, rubbing his ass.
Venti got up.
"Do you have the mega seeds- I mean the teardrop crystals from before?" Venti asked.
Aether took the three out of his ass- I mean his pocket and gave it to Venti.
Venti then proceeded to put the teardrop crystals in the music thingy.
"Now, we just have to play a song to Dvalin with this." Venti said, satisfied that everything was going according to plan.
"Da fuc they doin' ova there?" Charles, the bartender thought, while looking at the two kids.
"So, we are using crystallised pain and agony of an almighty dragon to lubricate the music thingy and play a song. Great Idea." Aether said, not fully convinced that Venti's plan was gonna work.
"Why does it sound so bad now that you say it?"
They reached climbed over to starsnatch peak. It would be more apt to say that Aether climbed over to Starsnatch peak, since near the end of the hike, Venti was so pooped out that Aether had to give him a piggyback ride. He fell asleep on Aether's back and Aether did not wake him up because he wanted Venti to be well rested and not have a sore throat before the performance.
(A: there are many things which can cause your throat to be sore, if you know what I mean. *wink* *wink*
K: OH MY GOD! YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A FATUI MAGE YOU DIPSHIT.)
Aether threw him down on the floor again.
"Why the hell are you so rough with me?" Venti asked, rubbing his ass, again.
"Do the ting" Aether said.
"Yeah, give me the music thingy." Venti replied.
"Wait… I thought you had it." Aether said, quietly.
(We are facing technical difficulties; we will get back to you later. Drink some water or some shit, idk.)
After a long and tiring journey from Starsnatch peak to Cat's Tail and back Aether finally had the music thingy. Aether went alone because Venti does not have Teleportation powers. He was further delayed by a drunk catgirl loli, who somehow managed to latch onto Aether and refused to let go.
When he finally came back, he saw Venti sleeping in fetal position. Taking a nap is fine, but sleeping for 15 fucking hours a day is too much.
Aether knew what he had to do.
He jumped and fell spreadeagled on Venti, which caused Venti to panic.
"Sloth. You have committed one of the greatest sins. Accept the punishment." Aether said.
Venti barely escaped with his life. (A: Kami-chan, add sleeping to the list of things I cannot do around Aether)
"Aether isn't such a sadist. You're an Imposter."
When the imposter is sus.
"NO! PLEASE NO MORE AMOGUS. MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN RUINED." Aether screamed and jumped off the cliffside and fell to the ground with a splat.
(A: To be fair tho..)
Ok, we can't have the main character die, so we should probably start over again.
It's rewind time.
So, now that Venti had the music thingy and was ready to play it, all that was left was to summon the BFD or the Big Fucking Dragon.
Turns out they had no need to summon Dvalin as he came all by himself, with an abyss mage on top of him. A hydro abyss mage.
You know, I kinda feel bad for the hydro abyss mages. They are just in the corner, doing stuff, while the pyro and the cryo abyss mages are aggressively making love to each other.
Anyway, turns out the hydro abyss mage had poisoned Dvalin's mind, which rendered him unable to be soothed by venti's song. This was a massive L. Not only did it cause the BFD agony, he accidentally ended up injuring Venti as well. So now, the BFD was nowhere in sight and Venti was lying unconscious on the ground.
"Now what?" Aether thought.
They needed to formulate a new plan, since Venti would be pretty pissed off if Aether just went and killed the dragon on his own.
So, Aether scooped up the unconscious Venti in his arms and princess carried him all the way to the inn, getting a couple of apples on his way, which was pretty hard both socially and physically, considering he had an unconscious femboy in his arms.
It was getting close to moonrise, so instead of taking Venti to his house, he just took him to the angel's share, since no matter how bad Venti's condition is, he is always gonna be conscious and functioning enough to knock back a pint of dandelion wine.
And as expected, the smell of alcohol resurrected Venti, and he came around, jumped from Aether's hands, sat down on the bar stool and ordered some dandelion wine.
And by some, I mean a shit ton. Because Aether looked like a minor, he wasn't allowed to have an opinion on how much the "adults" drink (which is absolute jackshit by the way). As a consequence, Venti got drunk. So drunk that he would probably be arrested for disturbing the civil peace, so they decided to book a room in a nearby inn.
They booked only one room, because there were two beds, and they could sleep six feet apart cause they are not gay (I'm lying. Venti is definitely gay.)
Oh yeah, I haven't stressed at how drunk Venti really was. He was so drunk that he fell over like Joe Biden on the staircase and had to be dragged up the stairs by Aether. Was a pain in the ass for Venti (literally, since he was being dragged over some hard stairs) and for Aether figuratively.
And so, they settled down to sleep. But then Venti started crying. He started raving on about how he was useless and couldn't do anything.
Aether didn't know what to do. This was the first time he had to comfort a crying entity. Before this, he and lumine used to just laugh at the crying thing's misery. But that wouldn't be appropriate in this situation, would it?
"Don't be sad. It isn't your fault. If the plan was meant to fail, it was gonna fail no matter how hard we tried. Now, we need to focus on formulating a new plan to help Dvalin." Aether said, trying to calm Venti down.
Venti jumped on him and hugged him hard.
"Aether, you're so nice. You are so strong as well, you protected me. How can I ever repay you?" Venti said, while hugging Aether tightly and rubbing his cheek against Aether's.
Aether, in an attempt back away tripped over his own leg and fell on the bed, Venti still sticking to him, but now in a position such that Venti thigh was rubbing against um, crotch.
*Weird shit time*
So, if you are not into that shit, I recommend that you skip this part.
No wait. Scrap that even if you are into that shit, I recommend you still skip ahead.
"Aether-kun, Did you get hard from my body? I am quite honored to have the ability to turn you on." Venti said, in a flirtatious tone, while reaching for his crotch.
"Oi-oi Venti what are you doing?" Aether said, startled.
"Hmm.. Aether-kun~ You are saying no but your body is practically begging for me to calm you little friend down." Venti said, pulling Aether's pants down, eager to taste him.
As soon as his pants went down, his 8- inch shaft slapped Venti in his face. If Aether's handsomeness and hotness wasn't enough to turn Venti on, Aether's strong musk definitely was.
He grabbed his dick by the shaft and started licking the tip. Since Venti was a guy. He knew where a blowjob felt the best.
So, Aether was in Seventh Heaven. Venti started speeding up and going faster and faster until he was deepthroating him. Aether's penis tasted too good for Venti to stop. He was addicted. He loved the felling of Aether bucking his hips and jamming his cock in his mouth every time he went down.
Aether's cock started twitching inside Venti's throat.
"A-ah Venti I'm coming." Aether said through the pleasure.
Venti started sucking even more vigorously. He simply had to have Aether's nectar in him.
Aether with a final buck of his hips, started pouring rope after rope of his hot cum directly in Venti's throat. Venti was disappointed, since he didn't get to taste Aether's cum. He was gonna taste it. One way or other.
So, he removed his pants off, and spread his asscheeks towards Aether, prompting him to pound his ass.
Aether had recovered by from his toe-curling orgasm by now and had his animal instinct to mate reignited.
Venti's asshole spread apart was the most inviting thing Aether had seen. He knew what he wanted to do.
He guided his dickhead towards Venti Butt and slowly put it in, spreading it wide open. Aether started slowly moving, sending Venti into spirals of pleasure, since Aether's dick always managed to hit his prostate.
Aether wanted to reach even deeper however, so he grabbed Venti by the thighs, put it behind his head and started ramming his dick upwards into Venti's ass. Venti was moaning his head off, as he was aroused be Aether treating him like a fuck toy.
Aether started pounding him even faster until finally with one last push he came inside Venti's ass, making Venti pass out momentarily. They both collapsed on the bed exhausted. Venti snuggled up to Aether's chest for warmth.
"I love you." Venti said, sleepily.
But he did not get a response, since Aether had already fallen asleep, with Venti in his arms.
All right. You can come back now.
(A: What the fuck have I brought into god's beautiful world.
K: idk. I thought it was pretty good.
A: That's because you haven't read good lemons.)
However, if we go just outside the window of the room where they just had sex in, there was a woman, a woman with an anemo vision, who was making rounds of the city as part of her knight of Favonius duty. She saw what went down, and boy oh boy was she pissed.
So, I suppose, I must explain why I was gone for so long. No, I wasn't Isekai'd into another world by a rogue truck. No, I wasn't assassinated by mihoyo for committing the war crime of writing this fanfic.
I simply forgot this this existed. I booted up my laptop after like 4 months and this was the first thing I saw. A half-done gay porno. Fuck it I might as well finish it; I thought and wrote the rest of the shit.
The Author-kun and Kami-chan podcast Ep.3
K: So, Author-kun, what do you feel about 1.6 update?
A: IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. THERE IS NOTHING NEW TO FUCKING DO. AND FUCKING KAZUHA TRYING TO STEAL AETHER'S HAREM. YOU KOW, I USED TO LIKE JEAN BUT THEN HER EN VA WAS ALL LIKE Oh He iS sO PoEtIc. NO, HE IS FUCKING NOT. HE JUST A WALMART CANADIAN FUCKING AETHER. IF I HEAR ONE MORE PERSON SAYING KAZUHA IS DOPE, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL- RVGUDYX GURD MG.
K: …
K: I think he popped a vein and died.