Literally writing this after hearing of the death of two friends in just under two week to suicide. Can barely keep it together at the moment, so writing may slow down a little for me but I shall keep updating.

I just really want to stress so much about reaching out to people. Check they're okay. If you feel lonely, empty, depressed or just unsure - PLEASE, PLEASE talk to someone. Reach out. Getting help is not the weakest thing to do but the strongest! It is more than okay to need help, we all will need it at some point in our lives especially over the duration of this pandemic. it is forever changed and still hard on so many people.

Thank you for reading my little rant.

Part three – Yachts & engagements.

January 1912,

It was another day watching the yachts race down the Delaware river, beneath the beautiful wintery blue skies. Cal, and his cousin, Samuel was involved in the race showcasing the fleet rented by Nathan until the summer. The Astor's had been invited from Rhode Island to take part in the hunting by the Hockley's and they also stood, entertained by the ongoings.

Ruth had been, perhaps the most uninterested of those present, even Rose had found something beautiful about the day, the yachts and the crowds. The people were the same, though denser by the ton. Pulling her large black overcoat across her body, she was happy to be outdoors even for a short time before the party would commence to celebrate the Hockley win back at their mansion.

There was a moment, briefly when she broke away from the crowds, just long enough to take a slight de-tour back to the house by the river side, it was not yet evening, when the fog came in and the bushes grew thicker. The mud between her feet ensured that her boots became stuck within the grooves of the slickness and suddenly, she was pulling at bits of trees and bush to find her way through the mess of it all. The hems of her mauve day dress were completely ruined and she struggled on past the game keeper's cottage which Rose knew was situated about four miles from the house but in which direction she had no clue. She was about to build up the nerve to go knock, hoping to not interrupt the birds or the occupier when a low whistle came. Brief, startling but enough in the sludgy darkness to cause her to cease breathing and gain her bearings in the gloomy trees when something warm brushed against her leg, one small tap and then again, she was about to scream and had almost forgotten that the birds could be interrupted when a creature nestled something wet and cold against her un-gloved hand. There at her side was an Airedale terrier, covered in flakes of mud, but happy nevertheless with a wagging tail and a panting mouth.

''Kitty?''

Rose rested her hand atop the dog's head, and almost collapsed with relief until the whistle sounded again. She waited for the dog's body to stiffen as though either scared or grow defensive but instead, she padded the ground in a circular motion to make small sounds to allow the approaching person aware that she was there without making too much noise.

''Kitty, I can just about see you there in the bush, I tell you, tomorrow we will not be-'' The voice stopped just before Rose, two black boots were as dirty as her own and as she glanced up a long black woollen coat, and to a face with cheeks as red as hers, his face became clear. Kitty padded about the area then, keeping close, as she sniffed about and panted away. She stilled when she saw the figure stood beside; his back half turned, hands clasped at his coccyx, his head bowed as though he was in prayer. He turned at her presence, slowly and then his eyes caught hers. Blue. Intense. Striking.

Her mouth fell open in utter surprise. She said nothing, for not a word seemed to be able to form in her minced-up mind. It took a moment for her body to remember to move and she ushered herself forward as though she was a scolded child.

'Mr. Dawson?'' She found the strength to speak his name. He appeared to be as startled as she was herself, with those widened eyes and perfectly 'o' shaped mouth. ''Just what is so important that you felt the need to come looking for me in the woods. Who has sent you out here? What are you doing with Mr. Astor's dog?'' His lips curved in amusement. He unclasped his hands, moving them to below his stomach and raised his eyebrows in stark surprise of her clipped tone which had asked him a barrage of questions which apparently, he was too rude or stunned to answer. Rose clasped onto the fur of her own coat to keep some grasp of reality.

''Well-'' he started, before his eyes ran the length of her body as though he was mentally undressing her, but the look didn't feel so indecent. It was as though; he was struggling with something. A concern fell across her face.

''Well?''

He cleared his throat.

''I was certainly not following you. I wasn't even aware that you were out here, but I do tend to find you outside lurking in the most unpleasant places.''

Rose rounded a branch, putting some distance between them both and feeling the smooth coolness of it gave her something else to think of aside from the intensity of his gaze.

''Oh.''

''And I am walking Kitty whilst Mr. Astor stays in Philadelphia hunting. I offered whilst he was out watching the yacht race. I'm lucky enough to accompany him travelling time to time with the other staff.'' Jack pressed his lips together as his eyes shone with concern. ''You see, I was as startled by you here as much as you were me'' He wrung his hands before him. They were fine hands; workers hands. She removed her attention from them. He did another whistle and Kitty came clattering from some low bushes and swirled about their legs, Jack patted her head twice and smiled down to her. ''Good girl, stay close, don't want you chasing no chickens off the private land, lady, you hear me.''

Rose couldn't help but smile at the affectionate tone he took with the dog, as though she was a member of his family. He ran his hands through his hair and she pondered whether these were signs of nerves or just regular traits of his which she hadn't noticed until now. There was very much she didn't know about him and found herself wondering just what she did wish to know. He was mysterious and she liked that, but she also felt the need to know him, or to know some parts of him.

''Do you like it out here?''

''Yeah, it smells better than the city but just as industrialised.''

''Oh? What would you rather see? Farms, labourers...''

''I was raised on a farm, ma'am, I saw too much of that in my time. I'm from Chippewa Falls-'' He must have noted her surprised brow when he stopped. ''It's a small town in Wisconsin.''

''I am aware of where it is, Mr. Dawson.'' Rose snapped in return, but it wasn't meant maliciously but she didn't see a need to apologise. This was her territory, was it not?

''You do seem more of an indoor girl but I always tend to find you outdoors, alone and in a hurry.''

''I was lost.''

''I can tell..." he paused,"I was worried when I saw it was you.''

Jack's confession seemed to surprise her. And she knew he was telling the truth by the sincerity in his voice. He seemed disturbed by the fact that she would make such an assumption of him, but since she knew him very little, what else could one do?

''How could you worry when you do not know me?''

Rose awaited his response with a held breath. Her chest was still, he noticed this much. She raised her brows so that he hurried his response. When his gaze fell on her once more, she felt the flush of her cheeks. When he watched her, it was as though he could see into her very soul and she had never felt so fully exposed to another person in her entire life. Her breathing had returned and she slowly inhaled the air around her as though she struggled to remember that she needed it to survive. Her heart had started to race and she had just managed to steal the hammer of its pound. In the silence of the night, she was sure that he could hear every beat of it, perhaps even see it through the many materials of her clothing, because that was how hard it felt to be.

''Because I care about you.''

His voice broke the minute or two long silence and it was the most unimaginable response one could hope for. Butterflies fluttered, her hands shook and his gaze had not wavered one bit. He was reading her every facet; watching her responses. Examining her. Weakening her...

''How can one care when they fail to know me?'' She dismissed his words the only way she knew how and with a wave of her left, dainty hand until he clasped onto it with his own.

''I know you.'' He fired back, quietly and quickly. ''Since the second you fell on the path, I knew you. I knew that there was something. A burden, perhaps. I watched you from afar. I saw the way your smile never reached your eyes. I know there is something which weights upon your shoulders heavily.''

Her gasp came out in almost a groan. She failed to stand, her body trembling too much to even attempt movement. He held out his hand to her, wordlessly. She placed her hand in his and felt how he allowed her to bear weight upon him so that she could stand. When she was on two feet, she turned, noting just how close their faces were. Up close, he was even more beautiful than from afar and she feared what could happen next for the first time since their meeting. How could she feel utterly safe and so afraid at the same time?

She took a shaky breath, gaining some confidence. ''Thank you, Mr. Dawson. Your study of me does appear to be quite detailed, although it couldn't be farther than the truth.''

''Really?'' His voice was soft, concerned and she couldn't help but feel he wasn't lying. Not slightly.

'Yes.''

She swallowed the large lump in her throat. Being this close to him was dangerous for the both of them and she couldn't help but feel seduced by the intoxicating aroma of him and the intensity which he brought to the air. It was as though it was heavy and she was in a trance like state which only ceased when he disappeared.

''I must get back, I only stepped away for a moment and darkness fell. They will be looking all over for me.''

''Could you not have, just a few minutes away from that world, just to see something?''

Rose couldn't breathe; his face was an inch or so from hers. If she stayed any longer, the tension would grow stronger. She had to stick to her word. Her eyes met his, glancing to his lips and then back as her stomach sank at the utter realisation of one thing; she could never leave her world. Whilst she still had some rein on herself, she found her voice.

''I think you should leave.''

Jack swallowed harshly and loosened his grip on her delicate hand. He sighed, running his right hand through his hair as a sign of his frustrations. Rose lowered her lashes; she couldn't even look at him. Why did it feel as though she was forcing herself to do this? To let him go. Set him free. Why would they meet like this, always in the most improper, secluded way? Fate was bringing her to Caledon Hockley, wasn't it?

''Rose?'' His voice was laced with the same soft hope.

''No!'' She sharply lifted her face to his. ''Jack, you no longer have a right to be here. This is the Hockley property and whilst you are just an employee of Mr. Astor, there is no need for you to escort me about.''

There was a gentle shudder to her body, as though it was taking all of her strength to not give in.

''All right, I was only about to say, if you look up, through the clusters of trees, it is a full moon tonight. That was the reason I came out here, to watch the sky and how beautiful it was out of the window but to see it for yourself, even in cold weather, it beats everything.''

Glancing up, with an apprehensive stare, with a guilt-ridden posture, Rose found the most marvellous yellowy glow in the sky, lighting and guiding the stars showing even despite the fog. Turning her attention to the beautiful starlit sky she instantly became lost at the sight. ''Look, it's so beautiful. How vast and endless.''

Jack came beside her and gazed at the sky himself, almost as though he had forgotten her outburst.

''I am sorry for what I said,'' Rose exhaled, her breathing about them in a cloud. '''It was wrong of me to speak to you the way that I did. You have graciously aided me at various events and this evening, I feel safer with you here.''

''It's all right.''

''My crowd. They think they're giants they're not even dust in God's eye.''

''You know there's been a mistake. You got mailed to the wrong address.'' Jack smirked and Rose broke into laughter.

''I did, didn't I?''

From the corner of her eye, Rose saw a stringy piece of silver dart across the sky. ''Look a shooting star,'' she pointed.

''Wow, that was a long one.'' He examined the sky, to see if he could see it any further but it had vanished. ''You know what pops used to tell me? That every time you saw one it was a soul going to heaven.''

''I like that. Are we supposed to wish on it?'' Rose turned her head to face Jack, not knowing just how close they had become since spotting the shooting star. Closer than before perhaps.

''What would you wish for?'' Jack gazed down into Rose's eyes. He could feel the tiny contact between them. Rose gazed back and took a look at his face and his lips. She wondered for a split second what it would be like to kiss him. The entire situation was dangerous and just as much as she wanted to stay, she knew that she must return to her own world. She awakened herself from the dream which she appeared to have fell into.

''Even if I wished for it, it's still beyond my reach and something that I could never have."

The air turned slightly awkward and Rose felt the discomfort. Her reply had sent waves down Jack's stomach. Her heart was now open. She began to take quick steps away in order to gain some distance.

''Come, let us get back. There is a party to attend and my clothes are severely ruined.''

His laugh sent ripples down her. He whistled once more and Kitty came out from beneath the bushes, carrying a small knobbed branch.

''Whatcha got there, girl, you know you can't play with that too much, boss doesn't like you off the path, boy, I will be in trouble when he sees the state of you.''

Rose was about to respond that it was the same for her. Just how would Cal respond seeing her covered in mud, her hair all matted and shivering before the party would commence. Another party. A party which would change her entire life.

You could say the room had span; but it didn't. Nor was she surprised. She wasn't really anything. She didn't know if the liquor had blotted her emotion or if she just lacked any feeling at all. Her vision was perfectly clear, Caledon Hockley was stood before her – a gold and diamond ring encased in a small black velvet box. It looked like a large piece of ice. It had to have been purchased from New York City at some hideous store.

Rose sensed she should speak for it had been several seconds since he had asked that fateful question: ''Will you marry me?''

She had processed it over. She had partly expected the gesture but now it was happening, she didn't quite know how to act. Her Mother had planned the entire charade in her head. She found herself squinting for a second to examine his face. Yes, he was handsome but not breathtakingly so. She had not once found the urge to kiss him. His eyes were dark; almost black, the same as his hair. Would that be the dominating gene in their children?

She felt the eyes of so many people on her. Around a hundred members of so-called society who had gathered for a 'show stopping' party. She barely knew any of them. She turned to meet eyes with the mayor, the son of Cal's rival steel owner company chairman, a distant Aunt who's name she never quite remembered and then her own mother's. Those eyes of ice urged her with a single glance, piercing Rose to through and chilling her bone. It was an urge to accept. For her sake. Those eyes which she had inherited. The ones which still instilled fear in her even now.

She shivered. There was no breeze. Just silence. She turned to Cal. It must have been close to thirty seconds now she had not spoken.

The moment should have been beautiful, magical. She had no urge to jump into his arms, she wasn't fighting off tears, and her heart hadn't swollen with unwavering love. She glanced at the ring again. She found herself reaching her left hand to touch it. She didn't shake with nerves. He held it out to her waiting for her to accept it, to agree to be his wife. She would wear it day in day out with a promise chained to it – forever. Forever with a man she barely knew. Didn't love. Never would love.

For some, absurd reason, Rose found herself back outside the Astoria months before, speaking to Jack, about what she wanted. What did he say? To live each day like it's your last? Oh, how she could laugh at that. Her life was one endless parade...parties, cotillions and even yachts; whether than be racing them or hosting a party to show off yet more wealth.

Why didn't dread fill her? She simply felt empty. She knew what the answer would be and had to be. There was no other option. Not for her mother, not when the debts were already piling high.

''Yes.''

Then the room filled with gasps, a loud applause and then she felt as though she had gone deaf. In silent slow motion, the ring was placed on her finger. It felt as though she was carrying a boulder. It sparkled in the bright light of the magnificent chandeliered room.

It was as though she had been handcuffed but she held no fight against it. The life within her slowly drained its final part and the embers burned slowly.

He kissed her cheek. She didn't close her eyes to saviour the moment of closeness between herself and her fiancé. Her eyes glazed and seconds later, her own Mother touched her face. A small token of appreciation for saving their family name.

A magnesium flash followed; the moment which would be captured on the front of the papers tomorrow followed by a spread in the New York Times where Nathan Hockley, Cal's father, was based.

Throngs of people approached her, to congratulate and embrace and to wish her well in her married life. She was separated from her mother immediately. Cal shook hands with men; women kissed his cheek and offered congratulations. Face after face came to her, shook her hand and offered advice and well wishes. She nodded, smiled and held out her hand to show the ring as though she had rehearsed it for some years. She found herself glancing at the door, she needed air. A crowd surrounded her; she couldn't even see her mother any longer as she dissolved into the society of the world.

She was suffocated and smothered. Slowly, she lost the life within her. She felt drained and lethargic. She would remain that way for a long time.