"You must fully comprehend, terrible writer, the reason for my disparaging review. Your own heart and conscience, must tell you why I wrote that comment."
"Unfortunately, you are mistaken, thou-who-shall-not-be-named-because-thou-will-not-reveal-thy-identity guest reader. I cannot conceive of an explanation as to why you spent your ever precious time to leave my stupid story a review."
"Terrible writer, you must know that I am not to be trifled with. But however untruthful you may choose to be, you shall not find me so. My character has always been known for its brutal honesty, and in such moment as this, it is of utmost importance that I stay true to what I am known for. A stupid story of a most disturbing quality was posted two hours ago. I saw that not only was the summary ill-composed, but that you, once again, terrible writer, was responsible for writing that poor excuse of a story. Though I know it must be a scandalous optical illusion, a figment of my imagination, for I have already left you countless negative reviews to discourage you. I instantly resolved on leaving another damaging review that I might inform you of my continued hatred."
"If you believed it impossible to be true, I wonder you took the trouble of writing another review. What could Voldemort, er, Karen, er what's-your-name-again mean by it?"
"To immediately insist upon having such a stupid story, should it exist, be taken down from this site."
"Your leaving a review on my stupid story will be rather a confirmation that it exists; if, indeed, such a story has been written and posted by myself."
"If! Do you then pretend to possess no knowledge if it? Has it not been just recently uploaded by yourself? Do you not know that such a stupid story might have been made available to read by a wide audience with very high expectations?"
"I am unsure as to who could be reading a stupid story with a questionable existence."
"And can you likewise confirm that there is no good reason for it being on this site?"
"I do not pretend to have the inclination to share any information I may have with your royal highhandedness. You may ask questions which I choose not to respond to."
"This is simply not acceptable, terrible writer, I insist that you answer me clearly. Have you, or have you not, written and posted another stupid story on this site?"
"Your royal highhandedness has pronounced it to be impossible."
"It must be so; for the readers of this site have innate good sense and taste. But your incessant attempts at poor writing may have caused them to pity you for your efforts and made them reluctantly read your stupid story and leave dishonest reviews."
"I have no idea of what you speak of. That makes no sense at all."
"Terrible writer, do you know who I am? I am not accustomed to such stubborn behaviour. I am a most experienced reader and reviewer, and I am entitled to know about matters such as this."
"Er, no, I do not who you are as you always hide under the name "guest". You are not entitled to know my views; nor will your present behaviour, ever persuade me to be comply with your demands."
"Allow me to make clarify my stance. These stupid stories, which you insist on writing, can never be posted. Now what do you have to say?"
"Only this; that if I want to write, then I shall."
"My understanding of the readers' minds is of a peculiar nature. I just know instinctively, right from the start, what their preferences and dislikes are. Do you pay no regard to the wishes of these readers? Have you not understood the meaning and intent of my negative reviews?"
"Yes, I understand that you hate my stupid work. But does that matter to me? If there is no objection from other readers, then what is it to you? If they wish to avoid reading my stupid work, then they may choose to do so. But if they choose to read it, why may not I continue writing and posting?"
"Because it is most dishonourable; do not expect to be followed and favourited by readers if you wilfully act against their interests. You will be mocked and lambasted by everyone accessing this site. Your stupid work will be a disgrace; your name will not even be worthy of mention."
"That is indeed a horrific fate, but writing provides me such extraordinary sources of happiness that in the end, I would have no cause to repine."
"Obstinate, headstrong author! You are an embarrassment! Is this how you show your gratitude for my attentions to you all these months? Is nothing due to me for all the time I wasted reading your stupid stories then leaving multiple scathing reviews? You are to understand, terrible writer, that I am determined to carry out my purpose; nor will I be discouraged from it. I do not submit to any person's whims. I am not in the habit of conceding defeat."
"That will make your royal highhandness' situation at present very sad indeed, but it will have no effect on me."
"I am not finished. You will pay attention to what I say. I am descended on the maternal side from a noble line of quality readers, and on the father's, from generations of respectable and honourable writers. My credentials from both sides of my family are nothing short of exceptional. I am destined to assume the role of supreme reviewer. The upstart pretensions of a terrible writer must not be tolerated."
"I am entitled to write stories, just like anyone else. Even though English is not my native language, I believe I am literate enough to be able to communicate my thoughts. I have the same rights to write stories as other authors."
"You may know a little bit of English. But who are your mother and your father? Who are your uncles and aunts? And your brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews? And your grandparents and great grandparents? And, let us not forget, your neighbours? Do not imagine me ignorant of their lack of skills. They cannot be all proficient in the English language."
"Whatever my connections may be, if the readers do not object to them, they can be nothing to you."
"Tell me once for all, are you going to stop writing?"
"I am not."
"Will you promise me, never to write another stupid story again?"
"I will make no promise of the kind."
"Terrible writer, I am truly stunned and disconcerted. I thought I could make you see reason. But do not expect that I will ever relent. I shall not leave until you have given me the assurance I require."
"And that will surely not happen. I am not to be intimidated into something completely unreasonable. Your royal highhandedness wants me to quit writing. Allow me to say that the arguments with which you have supported this bizarre demand have been as whimsical as the demand was ridiculous. You have hugely misjudged my character, if you think I can be convinced in such a manner. How much the readers would approve of your interference in these affairs, I cannot tell; but you have certainly no right to involve yourself in mine. I must ask, therefore, not to be inconvenienced further about this."
"Not so fast, if you please. I have more to say. To all the objections I have already raised, I have still another to add. I am no stranger to the particulars of your professional background. I know it all; I have read your pathetic profile. You do not have any training whatsoever as a writer, nor are you an expert on the Regency era. You are neither a historian nor a linguist. What qualifications do you have to think that you have the ability to write? Do you know your verb tenses? Do you know when to use 'their', 'there' or 'they're'? Can you spell? Do you use Regency-appropriate words? Do you avoid using contractions? Leave the art of writing to the experts. Good heavens! What are you thinking? Is the credibility of this site to be thus threatened?"
"I have no wish to listen to you anymore. You have insulted me in every possible way. I do not want to remain in your most evil presence."
"You have no regard, then, for the enjoyment and satisfaction of the readers! Unfeeling, selfish girl! Having your stupid work posted on this site is an utter degradation!"
"I have already made my point. You know my sentiments on the matter."
"You are then resolved to continue your pretense of knowing how to write fanfiction stories?"
"I have said nothing of the kind. I am only resolved to do what makes me, and hopefully some readers, happy, whether or not you or any other rude person approve."
"I see that you continue to refuse my wishes. You are determined to bring down the standard of work posted on this site."
"I am not violating any rules of this site when I indulge in writing."
"And this is your real opinion! This is your final decision! Do not expect, terrible writer, that you will find any success. I had hoped that you will be sensible but you will not submit to my superiority. I am most seriously displeased. You have wasted my time. I have more important business to attend to and I take no leave of you, terrible writer."
"You persistently declare that my work is stupid yet you continue reading and leaving reviews. It is absolutely absurd! Begone! Rest assured that you shall not be missed!"