(A/N: Thanks again to my AWESOMEST BETA Moon Bunny, who helped me rewrite the top part of the chapter! ~TRP~)
WARNINGS -
Potential Trigger Warnings (Mid-chapter) / Dealing with Flashbacks
CHAPTER #3 -
Usagi's eyes popped open in an unfamiliar bed, and when she turned to see a familiar brunette sleeping peacefully next to her, she was grateful she hadn't startled. From where she laid, through the peek of the curtains she could tell it was still well into the night.
Awoken by nightmares, again.
Thankfully it seemed that her companion staved off the worst of them.
She took a moment, to smell the pillow, the long brown hair next to her head, to feel clean sheets in a plush bed. She'd remembered curling into Mako's arms, falling asleep to her quiet, steady breathing.
All these things were not enough to keep her there. There were lingering thoughts of the darkness behind her eyelids, and fear of accidentally waking her up, so she carefully disentangled herself from covers and sheets, straightened out the borrowed t-shirt she'd fallen asleep in and made her way to the kitchen.
Hands trailed immaculate countertops. Only a chef would keep their apartment this tidy and clean. She quickly found an electric kettle and started herself some tea.
Leaning over the counter, waiting for the water to boil, her thoughts wondered. How wonderfully surreal this felt.
Usagi smiled before she frowned.
How this could be yanked away in any moment.
She closed her eyes, her body tensing, telling her danger was right here, right now, and she turned to the kitchen window to see the moon shining down on her. She glared.
Then made her tea. She focused on Makoto's tea selection: some staple greens with soft flowery flavors, so very her. Jasmine teas. Lavender, Chamomile, Rose.
Continuing her thoughts of the last few hours, Usagi finished her tea. Hand washing the cup, and leaving it in the drying rack, she emptied the kettle, and left it to air dry. It was something that was a habit for her. Not just because she spent so much time in places without a dishwasher, but it was almost too silent, even with Makoto there.
Usagi liked silence, yes. It allowed her to increase her auditory skills. Her old friends might just be proud of her for it too. But at the same time, she didn't want to wake Makoto even from a different room.
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth at the thought of returning to Makoto.
Then a tear filled her eye, as she was more upset that she practically forgot how safe Makoto made her feel, always.
Yet she didn't forget that feeling, because that was also why she came home. She came home for Makoto. She came home because Makoto made her feel safe (even if it originally was going to be for Makoto's memory). She glanced at herself in the mirror that served as part of the backsplash to Makoto's kitchen.
Usagi liked how she looked with red hair and brown eyes. She carved this out for herself, and didn't want to let go of it yet. (Usagi knew on some level there was no pressure from Mako to change, but the anxiety was there).
Despite the choices she's made as Rin, (that she wasn't happy with) overall, she was still proud of some of who she's kind of become.
Usagi craved that feeling of safety that only Makoto could give her. As she was about to turn the corner, heading back to Makoto's room, the moonlight that streamed through the open curtains over the screened sliding door caught her eye. A soft breeze moved the curtains.
She glanced up at the moon. Her mood that had gone from contemplative to somewhat happy, diminished quickly.
She glared again at the moon. It did her no favors. It didn't save her. It sat in the sky, shining down like nothing was wrong while her world disintegrated around her.
Usagi managed to keep her tears at bay, but her breathing was a different story. She rested her head over the arms on the couch-the closest thing she could reach, trying to relax even a little. The only reason she slept halfway decent tonight was because of Makoto, of that she was convinced.
She wasn't about to lose her. Not again.
Usagi did everything she could not to let her mind continue to tell her Makoto was dead, and that it was her fault.
The Jovian was mere feet away from her, and if she walked into her room she could smell her perfume.
Makoto was alive. Hours ago she spoke to her, she held her hand, she kissed her.
'Just move your fucking feet Rin, come on…' Usagi growled to herself.
'But what are you going to see when you open the door?' Whispered her own manifested guilt. 'Makoto dead? Makoto begging not to be tortured? Makoto crying? And you're standing here. Afraid. You Coward.'
Shaking her head, wiping tears away, not willing to be a waterfall, and taking some slow deep breaths as if meditating, Usagi went back into Makoto's room, and softly got back in next to her.
She initially faced her back towards Makoto, and gently placed one of her arms around her, and Mako in turn softly held her tighter. "Where'd you go?" She asked sweetly. Usagi felt a smile against her shoulder, only to have Usagi shrug.
"You're tense. What's wrong?" Makoto murmured, without opening her eyes.
Usagi turned around with a sigh to her voice. "Nothing."
Makoto's eyes blinked open. She said nothing and just waited.
"Nothing, Mako. I promise. I was in an okay mood, and then it just stopped."
"Why?"
Usagi sighed. "Because I saw the moonlight." She shook her head. "I had a nightmare. Look, I don't want to talk about it please. I'm tired."
Makoto briefly debated on pressing her, but decided against it. "Okay. I love you."
Usagi nodded before burying her head under Makoto's chin, falling asleep.
Usagi had fallen asleep easier, while Makoto stayed up for a few minutes more, thinking of Usagi's words. But Makoto wasn't ready to confront her by the next morning. She had barely reunited with her 12hrs ago. This was still new territory for both of them.
Cooking a light meal to begin with, Usgai was grateful.
"So, what do you want to do today?" Makoto asked.
"Take a very long shower."
"That's definitely possible, and for as long as you want."
Usagi grinned. "Good."
For as close as they were already becoming, there was no assumption between the pair that Usagi's shower would be shared.
"What else would you like to do?"
"Not leave your sight." Usagi blurted just after the smallest of laughs of clear nervousness. "Um...I-I-uh, I'm sorry. That was...way too forward. I-I'm not sure what's come over me." Usagi blushed hard.
"Himitsu, Rin, do you have a crush on me?" Makoto teased cheekily and clearly flirting, only to watch Usagi's blush deepen, more mortified in embarrassment than flirting. Makoto giggled. "Good, I'm glad, because I definitely have a crush-more than a crush on you. And it's perfectly okay and acceptable that you are crushing back, if not more…Yes, I see that smile you're trying to hide."
"Makoto…" Usagi wished she had a hoodie right now to hide under.
Makoto grinned. This would be fun for a while. "How about an indoor picnic?"
"What?" Usagi's face returned to normal from her embarrassment, and now she was confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Easy. We have a picnic, just indoors instead of going outside. Between what Kokoro said and what you've said, you don't like going outside much."
Usagi found herself warmed. She forgot how much Makoto actually paid attention and heard her.
"Don't we still have to paint the town, o-or at least go find a playground to play on?"
"You still want to do that? Yeah we can." Makoto said enthusiastically.
"Cool."
They sat in a comfortable silence, until it became awkward.
"Thank you, Makoto."
"For what?"
"Last night, for being there...For not asking too many questions, even though I know you have them."
Makoto nodded. "I do have them, yes. But it's not for me to decide when or if you tell. In the meantime, I'll do what I can to try and help you out."
"I appreciate it."
Around lunchtime, Usagi let Makoto cook whatever she wanted, her only request was okonomiyaki. Music was softly playing in the background from one of the internet radio stations.
Usagi laughed at something Makoto said, as she took a bite then glanced down at one of the other foods that Makoto had made of which Usagi had just sampled; she had served herself without looking at what she was taking.
She froze as her breathing all but hitched with the rest of her body.
"Rin?"
Usagi managed to spit the bite into a napkin, tossing it in the nearby can and took a large sip from a water bottle. She pushed away her plate, her eyes wild, looking for something else.
Spying Makoto's hoodie, she unexpectedly scrambled for it.
Makoto liked oversized hoodies simply for comfort. The particular one (that Makoto brought out a week ago on an extra cold night) was a hoodie big enough for her to curl her knees inside, and could double as a blanket if the heat were to go out. Makoto watched, very concerned as Usagi buried her small frame inside, looking like a young bear cub in a cave.
"Honey? Honey what happened? What is it? What did I-"
"No...Not you." Usagi shook her head, with her answer gravely from her throat.
Makoto glanced over at the food, but instead brought over more tea.
"Sweetheart, c-can you tell me what you're thinking?"
Usagi attempted to open her mouth and answer, but couldn't. Not yet.
She tried to take the cup of tea, but her hands shook. Makoto gave a soft smile, holding the cup for her and helping her sip it.
It was ten minutes before Usagi spoke and she already sucked down 2 full cups of tea.
"Olives."
"Olives?"
"Olives bad, both kinds, but black olives."
"Honey, I'm so sorry-"
"You didn't know. It's-it's-it's okay."
"Which one?"
"Huh?"
"'They.' Last night, at the bar you indicated 2 of them."
"Can't say. Can never say. They'll be back or they'll come after you."
"Did we see them last night?"
"No. I would have been gone faster than a bat out of hell." 'Might have taken you with me too out of fear, so I don't lose you again…' Usagi thought to herself.
"Noted-" When Usagi began to shake harder, even whimpering, Makato became scared.
"Rin-"
"Song off! Song OFF! " She requested in a desperate shout, but the device didn't respond to Usagi's voice.
Makoto gasped, as she immediately instructed the smart device to turn off, having caught the artist. She knew that band, and the voice during a solo.
Makoto looked at Usagi softly. Her own green eyes were confused, scared, concerned, and in realization of exactly who Usagi was so terrified of.
She knew instinctively not to say his name aloud.
It broke her heart and enraged her all the same.
But her rage needed to wait. Her comfort came first when it came to the cowering soul in front of her.
"Sweetheart, can I give you a hug?'
"Uh-huh…"
Makoto softly approached. She sat next to Usagi on the couch, and took Usagi into her arms and let her sob.
"He...His breath smelled like strong olives. I think so did his cologne? I don't know, it smelled terrible. You can put olives in your cooking, I promise-"
"No. No more olives. I only had them for flavor, I don't really like them anyway."
They sat there in silence for another 10 minutes, while Usagi attempted to control her breathing and emotions.
Finally feeling composed, Usagi ventured to speak. "Uh...So...This, I suppose, is your first experience (with me anyway). Part flashback, part panic attack...I-I uh tend to have them a lot, and just kind of ride them out. I don't really have any strategies to help...I just suck it up, have them, and attempt to move forward…"
"I think getting you into a warm spot, giving you warm liquids, and maybe even giving you a hug might help."
Usagi looked at Makoto before resting her head on her shoulder and inhaling her perfume, which Makoto also mentally added to the list of things that may help her, as Usagi fell asleep.
Makoto tucked Usagi back into bed and left her a note. Makoto returned to the kitchen and cleaned up their indoor picnic.
She sat on the couch, contemplating what to do. Kokoro should know, but Usagi was nowhere near ready to tell anyone else who she was.
Makoto would have loved to get revenge. But that would do no one any good, and would only temporarily ease her rage.
Worst of all she dared not bring the consequences of her rage or revenge upon Usagi's shoulders. She was already bearing enough.
The weight of the last number of hours suddenly hit Makoto, and she began to cry.
Her tears turned into sobs.
Usagi was alive. She was back, and she was here, sleeping into Makoto's room.
Years of sorrow surged forward. Makoto knew how much she missed Usagi while she was gone, but it felt almost at another level now that she was back…
To even think about what she must have gone through in order to survive...Makoto just wanted to hug her pain away but knew it wasn't nearly that simple.
If she'd been with Usagi for a week, Makoto might actually have gone to the dojo to work to quell her rage.
But there was no way she was leaving Usagi by herself. Not yet.
Never again would Usagi feel, or wake up alone (or at least without a note nearby).
After waking up, and spending a quiet rest of the afternoon and early evening with movies and cooking Usagi's favorites, the pair went to bed.
Usagi woke from a bad nightmare, but still did not wake Makoto.
Getting out of bed, she again made half a cup of tea, and caught sight of the moonlight on her way back to Makoto's room.
Glaring even more harshly, and knowing Makoto was 20 feet away, Usagi didn't mind giving the moon a piece of her mind (even if she wasn't about to say this out loud, or actually connect it through mindlink).
'You said you'd always be there. Where were you when I needed you the most? Where were you to help those who needed to hear me, actually listen? Where were you, while time itself felt like it stood still; you were only watching; while time laughed at me? Time...Time also went incredibly too fast for my head to wrap around yet so incredibly agonizingly slowly, I felt like I was in the worst limbo ever. You shine down on me; on all of us like you have nothing to do with anything. Yet I see you. It's kind of surprising you aren't closer with the Ruler of Seas...Because we know it's you who truly controls it's tides. You shine down on all of us in the darkness; yet everything is supposed to be perfect; because of time? Tell me, what has time given me? What has time done for me?!'
"I do not know how this is possible-" Rin jumped and turned to see what was at first a hologram type form, before solidifying. "But whoever you are, you have summoned me."
Rin stared wide-eyed as the Senshi of Time stood before her.