(A/N: Hey everyone, I'm back for now. Unfortunately, the next chapter or 2 aren't beta'd but I wanted to get them out. Hope you enjoy. Please review! Thanks! ~TRP~)
CHAPTER #5 -
'Kokoro, please? Come over? It's Rin. I'm about to fall over exhausted. She's wide awake; her mind is just wired awake. I can't watch her anymore and I'm afraid to leave her alone.'
'What's wrong?!' Came Kokoro's concerned voice.
How did they go from kissing two nights ago to, whatever this was 60hrs later? Makoto never sounded so scared, Kokoro felt compelled to ask the next question. 'You think she'll hurt-'
'I don't know what she'll do. I've already hidden or locked everything I could think of, just in case. But I don't know if she'll leave because she's gotten a sudden bout of external bravery and confidence - or what seems like continual fear. I'm seriously about to drop over here. She's been up for the last 18 hours. My head is pounding.'
'Why didn't you call me earlier?'
'Every time I was about to, she looked like she was actually going to go to sleep. Then she'd get another wave of...I don't even know what this is…'
'Open your door, I'm here.'
Makoto took a soft glance at a still heavily pacing Rin.
"Hi Mako. Hi Rin, how are you?"
Rin just shook her head, barely looking at the bartender.
"Rin, can Kokoro stay with you for a little bit?"
"No. You have to stay!"
"Honey, I...I'll be here. But I can't keep my eyes open. I'm becoming delirious. You're safe with Kokoro."
"No." Rin said, continuing to pace a hole in the floor. Makoto pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezed her eyes shut, and rubbed her temples. The lights had been turned down or were off completely, and the curtains were drawn; making the room much darker than the daytime sun would have indicated had they been open.
"Rin, have you been up this entire time?" Kokoro asked.
"Yeah."
"Mako too?"
"Yeah."
"You both need rest."
"No. No sleep. Sleep is bad-for me."
"Can we let Mako get some rest?"
"But…" Rin trailed off and shook her head before looking apologetically at Makoto, unsure of what to do.
"But what?"
"If she goes, who's going to protect me?" She whispered. "I just got that feeling back…" Rin clutched her head, in both exhaustion and a severe headache.
"I can."
"No. You can't. Only she can."
"Rin, you can trust her. I trust her. I trust her to protect me." Makoto pleaded.
Rin shook her head. "It's not like she's got a degree in psychology. No offense Kokoro, you're a really good listener, and fantastic barkeep, but...You can't help me with this."
Kokoro smirked. "Actually I do, and I think I can, maybe a little."
"Seriously?"
"Yes." Kokoro then gave a questioning look at the look Makoto had given her.
'Look, if I can, I want to tell you something. But you need to keep it from your team. You can't tell Hotaru, and you can not tell Setsuna.' Makoto said through mindlink.
'Why would I need to keep it from my team, and why put more emphasis on Sets?'
'Because she's already made a giant mess of things. Kokoro, please? I know I can trust you, but Rin is the one who needs to trust you.'
Kokoro gave Makoto a suspicious look. 'Done.'
'Thank you.'
"Rin?" Makoto took her hands, causing Rin to look at the equally exhausted woman.
"You can trust Kokoro, because she's like me. She's a Senshi."
'Makoto! What are you doing!?' Kokoro said, furiously through mindlink. It caused Makoto to jump, but Rin was too tired to question why Makoto suddenly startled.
'Trust me. Please trust me?' Makoto replied back.
"What? She is?" Rin asked.
"She is."
"Makoto! Enough! What's the meaning of this?" Kokoro demanded, just needing answers as to why Makoto would reveal her Senshi identity to Rin, who still (especially in this case) was a stranger.
Makoto gave a soft smile "Delirium."
"Bull!"
"Who?" Rin asked.
"Who?" Makoto questioned.
"Who is she?" Rin clarified.
"She's the Senshi of the Sun."
"Makoto Kino, your office, right now. You and I need to talk. Now."
"The sun? Is that why I kept going to the bar?"
"Potentially." Makoto suggested.
Rin glared at Kokoro, because even Makoto knew she didn't want to have to do what she just did - handing Kokoro a pen, and barrelling herself into Makoto's arms with a defeated look on her face as she cried. Makoto gave the back of Rin's head a soft glance, softly running one of her hands through her hair, and whispered that things were going to be okay.
Makoto then looked at Kokoro, as realization dawned on Kokoro's face while inspecting the pen - the disguise pen. Her eyes widened and she briefly shook her head before mouthing 'Is...is it really her?'
Makoto nodded with a soft smile and an affectionate look to the still upset, but quieting woman.
"Don't go." Came the soft whisper.
"You're safe with her. I think somewhere deep down you know that. Besides, I'm in the next room. You've got this."
After a moment Rin softly disengaged from most of Makoto's embrace, preferring to hold her hand, as she bravely, though skeptically looked at Kokoro. "You're a Senshi?"
With a harsh glare at Makoto, even though with much more understanding Kokoro nodded. She displayed her sun symbol on her forehead.
"Oh...Cool." Rin was unsure of what to say.
"So, Mako called me because she's worried about you. But she's exhausted. You both are."
"I'm not ready to sleep, I can't. Not yet."
"That's okay. Can Mako get some sleep, and you and I can talk?"
"I...I guess?"
Relief washed over Makoto's face. Part of her hated leaving, but took her opportunity now that she had the chance. "Kokoro, can you sing for me please?"
"I honestly don't think I'll need to, but sure."
"No spells." Usagi said.
"Hers are safe. I promise. It's not the first time she's sung me to sleep."
Hesitantly, Usagi nodded, having sat on the couch waiting, while Kokoro followed Makoto into her room.
She came out a moment later. "Out like a light; I got out half a note, just as her head hit the pillow. Now, how about you?"
"She stayed up with me. My mind wouldn't slow down. It's on overdrive." Rin admitted..
"Can I see the real you?"
"Not yet. M-Makoto...She's seen most of me...I showed her in the bathroom. I-I showed her scars, scars I have on me."
"What happened, what caused you to stay awake for so long?"
"I was scared, then emotional, then horny, then conflicted and I just freaked out."
"You and Makoto were intimate?" Kokoro asked, her eyebrows raised. She would be lying if she didn't feel concerned.
It was one thing when this woman was Rin and only Rin, at least up until 5 minutes ago.
But now things were very, very different.
"No. That's just it. We weren't. I wanted to be, but was being somewhat rational? Perhaps irrational. Makoto was ready for us to go back to sleep...But even in her arms when I closed my eyes, my mind would just think of all these bad scenarios that could happen."
"What's happened to cause you such fear?"
"If...If I give you permission-If I give you permission to look into my TimeStream, no one will know? Not Makoto, not any of the girls?"
"No one. Not even my team which consists of Hotaru and Setsuna."
Usagi grimaced yet looked partially relieved. "Good. But I still can't let Mako see…"
"Makoto won't see. The only time she will see or know anything, is if you give her that privilege. You already showed her your scars."
"And kind of told her what happened."
"Kind of?"
"Didn't exactly say what, but I let her fill in the gaps."
Kokoro nodded.
They waited in silence until Usagi relented. "Okay. Okay, you can look."
"Before I do that, are you sure? I know it's one thing for Makoto to say you can trust me, but I want you to be the one who feels you are able to trust me, I know it must be earned."
Usagi nodded again.
"Can I give you a little more information about me, as a Senshi?"
"Please...I-I've never heard of you before…"
Kokoro smiled. "You left when you were 16, right? I was just starting at your school."
"Oh…Um...What, what do they call you?"
"I am known as Sailor Phoenix. I am also the Queen of the Sun. Your mother was one of my best friends. We ruled together in harmony, despite our 'opposing' spectrums of light."
"The..The mythical bird that bursts into flames then is reborn of it's own ashes?"
"Correct."
"Isn't that M-..R-.." Usagi was unable to say either of Rei's names.
"I know you've struggled with your friendship wth Rei-Sailor Mars. And yes, she has a version of it, but I'm the one who has provided it to her."
Usagi nodded.
"What kind of powers do you have?"
"I suppose you can say they've evolved over time. I have tears with healing properties, but unfortunately, it is limited to magical injuries, or injuries inflicted by magic. I have powers of warmth or heat and fire, such as solar flares. I am able to carry burdens of any kind no matter how many or heavy, and as Makoto had requested, I have a song that may sound like a sweet lullaby or be agonizing, debilitating or lethal to the enemy. I can also fly or appear and disappear at will, and Sailor Teleport on my own, and my team that I mentioned earlier are my sisters. The three of us have powers and administrative duties. We, so long as it's approved by the Ancients of the Galaxy can give the scouts upgrades. While we have leniency in many situations, we are bound by certain rules, just as the Scouts are. For instance, we are bound by consent to view one's Time Stream. Even Setsuna is prohibited from viewing it, even though she is continually at the Time Gates. But once one of us has permission, only that specific Senshi has that permission. It cannot go to the others, not even my team, without permission from the person or if given permission by the Ancients."
"I'm always cold."
"May I?" Kokoro grabbed the blanket behind her, and with Usagi's nod draped the blanket over her shoulders. Usagi gasped softly, looking at Kokoro surprised, as the blanket was warm as if it had just come out of the dryer.
Kokoro smiled warmly.
"Setsuna...She, she said you are their team leader?"
"Yes."
"So...You've replaced me?" It was purely a question, no accusation or jealousy.
"No, just holding your spot."
"I don't want it back. Please, please keep it."
"I'll make a deal with you. I'll keep it, yes. But if you ever want it back, or even consider it, please come to me. I would love to discuss it with you."
"Won't happen, but...okay. Do you have any other powers?"
"I can dreamscape, also with a person's permission."
"What's that?"
"Remember how you said you don't like to sleep?"
"Yeah."
"Do you have nightmares?"
"Yes."
"So I could go into those nightmares, as if I'm viewing them with you. I can't actually do anything about them, but I can help you work through them, or even help you wake up from nightmares."
"Yeah...Okay…"
"I guess that's all I have where powers are concerned. As for my day job when I'm not at the bar or hospital, I work only with you Senshi. I am your resident therapist/psychologist/social worker, you name it, I'm a little bit of everything I suppose, in any and all areas you could think of. You all need someone to help you work through your Senshi selves. No one else understands that but each other, and myself. Though if it helps, I am told that when I speak, my tone is non-judgemental, curious, and comforting. I am very protective of you Senshi, and I am to bring my Senshi peace of mind, clarity of thought, ease of emotions, and hope for the future."
"Transform?...Please?" Usagi couldn't help it, she hung on every damn word this woman (who was now not just a wonderful listener and barkeep) said. She was captivated.
Kokoro nodded and stood up. "Solar Eternal Power."
Usagi watched as the woman transformed before her eyes.
Dressed in a long golden dress, accented by a ribbon of crimson red, with sienna orange designs, was the kind, compassionate woman with warm purple eyes and mid-back length, wavy dark red hair. She held a golden feather with a crimson red tip in between her fingers. In her tiara rested a red jeweled oval. (When it was off, the sun symbol would appear). A sun pendant hung around her neck.
"Wow...You look like a queen…"
"Why thank you." Kokoro let her transformation drop and sat back down.
"Kokoro?"
'Hm?"
"Remember how you said you wanted your trust to be earned?"
"Yes."
"It is."
"Oh?" Kokoro looked surprised at how soon this sentiment was stated.
Usagi nodded. "I've trusted you, whether I've wanted to or not for the last 3 months...Now-now I understand more of why. So, I guess the answer is yes. I'm sure. You can look into my TimeStream, even if it's something I dread for you to see or understand - so long as no one else knows."
Kokoro nodded in confirmation. "Can I sing you to sleep?"
"No. I don't like to sleep. Too many nightmares."
"You won't have nightmares. If you want, you can even have a dreamless sleep."
"No-no nightmares?"
"None. I suppose that's another one of my powers within my song. I can help you with what kinds of dreams, if any, that you would like to have."
"Is Makoto gonna be okay?"
"She will. She'll sleep, just like you."
"No bad dreams?"
"No bad dreams."
"Good dreams?"
"Do you want good dreams?"
"Yeah."
"Like what?" Kokoro smiled warmly.
"C-can I dream of Mako?"
"How about I let you go on a trip down memory lane?"
"Only until the new year please?"
"Of the year you left?"
Usagi nodded.
"Okay...Rin?"
"Yeah?"
"You look like you could use a hug."
Rin gave a subtle nod.
Opening her arms, Rin cautiously leaned into Kokoro's embrace. Kokoro began to sing, hearing a soft 'thank you' from her, and was asleep quickly with Kokoro's melody. She had shifted them so she was sitting with a pillow and Usagi's head in her lap. Kokoro brushed a hand over her forehead, feeling the crescent moon under her palm. Kokoro closed her eyes.
"Kokoro?...Kokoro?"
The Senshi of the Sun was too deep in concentration. She wasn't about to be bothered by something frivolous. She just started, it had only been 10 minutes. Kokoro was going over Usagi's TimeStream for at least the 5th time. She saw what Usagi didn't mention about both Setsuna and Seiya's appearances.
"Kokoro!"
"What!?" Kokoro snapped with flashing eyes causing Makoto to jump, and take a step back with her hands up defensively.
Waking a number of hours later Makoto honestly felt like a million yen. She's never felt more rested, well, since the last time Kokoro sang her to sleep.
"Your symbol…"
"Huh? Oh, sorry." Kokoro let her symbol, that had appeared staidly and bright since she began looking into Usagi's TimeStream, fade.
"Sorry to disturb you, but it's almost 8pm. How long have you been sitting like that with her?"
"8pm?!" Kokoro gave a small blush. Oh. It was a lot longer than Kokoro thought, so that 5th watch must have been more like at least 20 if not more. "About 8 hours."
"You've been simmering and stewing for 8 hours? Eeek...Glad I didn't actually try to shake your shoulder to get you out of your trance. What were you doing?"
Kokoro shrugged and she replied casually. "Contemplating revenge."
"What?" Makoto was honestly unsure if Kokoro were kidding or serious, or if she herself were scared.
Kokoro grinned. "Never you mind."
"How is she?"
"Dreaming happily. Of you; of both of you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. She desperately needs some happiness in her life." Kokoro said, running a hand through curly red locks.
"Lay her down for a minute?"
"What?"
"Just do it, and come here?"
Kokoro looked at her confused, but did as requested.
She was surprised when Makoto hugged her tightly. "Let it out." She encouraged.
"Makoto, I'm fi-"
"No you're not. You're sitting here contemplating revenge. You're not okay. Stop being a therapist for a few minutes, and just be Kokoro. You're allowed to feel too, just like the rest of us."
Apparently that was all Kokoro needed to hear, as her own emotional dam of tears broke, with deep sobs. Makoto sat with her on the loveseat (Usagi was on the couch) and held the Sun Senshi, sharing tears of her own.
"She showed you her TimeStream?"
"She's too afraid to have you know."
"I know enough." Makoto commented. "It's convincing her that I"m not going to abandon or leave her, that will be the real uphill battle. I'm sorry Kokoro."
"For what?"
"That you have to keep this to yourself, and that you don't have anyone to talk to, about all of this, and all the other things you know about, about all of us."
"Oh honey. I'm made that way. I'm a Phoenix. I'm meant to carry heavy burdens."
"But this? All of this, all of our faults, our fears, our anger, our pain….?"
"Your happiness, your joy, your love, your bravery & courageousness. Yes. All of it. The psych books help too." Kokoro winked.
"It still doesn't seem fair."
"It is, because the 9 of you need someone to talk to who understands the Senshi aspect of your lives. And thank you."
"For what?"
"Reminding me of the fact that I too need to emote. I feel better."
"I'm glad. Talking is keeping me from stress-baking, so I think I'd rather talk."
"What? Stress-baking isn't bad, even though I'm proud of you for making the much harder decision."
"If I start to stress-bake, you'll need to go Costco food shopping for me because I will use any and everything in this apartment."
"Fair enough. Stick with the sweets or apples. She likes that."
Makoto giggled. "I'm craving her curry right now."
"Well, when she wakes, I don't think it'll be all that hard to ask her to make some."
Taking a deep breath, Kokoro gave Makoto a knowing look.
"You're in therapist mode again, aren't' you?"
"Yep."
They both glanced at a sleeping Usagi.
"Don't let her push you away with how much she may say or even not say how important you are to her. Do not underestimate that. You are who has kept her going."
"She...She said it's why she was still fighting to survive."
"It is. You and Hotaru are the only two she knows that she doesn't have to prove her worth to. And that's what you've told me on your own. Yet that is exactly what keeps her trying to do so. It's kind of reversed. She feels the non-expectation only fuels her own expectations of herself. So she tries very hard to make you both proud of her."
"We are."
"Hotaru's a bit easier to believe, because there's a big sister/little sister bond. But with you, she loves you. That's clear, even without seeing her TimeStream. It's one thing if Hotaru is disappointed in her for whatever reason; it's on an entirely different and almost visceral level if it's you."
"So she's going to work a million times harder to make sure I'm happy-and happy with her, her decisions, her choices, and her actions."
"Right."
"Do...Do I want to know what you saw?"
"Couldn't tell you anyway. Let me take care of that."
"Kokoro?"
"Hm?
"She said-she said Seiya took her to a barn."
"I know."
"He did terrible things, unspeakable things to her, didn't he? I can tell. She hasn't outright said anything, but has been close, and implies things...And those scars...He was so defensive earlier, and she stood up to him. She said it was because of me, but I know it was because she needed to finally tell him what she's been feeling."
Kokoro nodded in agreement.
"Kokoro, she was so brave."
"Yet equally terrified."
"Yeah…" Mako looked away, hesitating.
"Mako?"
"Is it bad that we've basically met up again after so many years the other night; we know everything and nothing about each other, and yet she and I have already talked about intimacy?"
"Bad, no."
"I think she, maybe both of us are confused?"
"By how or what you feel?"
Makoto softly placed the floor. "No...It definitely helped that we dated, but that was back in high school! I'm not doubting my love for her, but I think we're just really confused on what we want? We...We've already kind of gone back and forth on being intimate and not. I swore to her I'd wait for her, and I will. I said we can wait until we're both on the same page. Nothing had to happen now if we weren't ready. Why is it so confusing?"
"Sweetie, intimacy is such...Well, it can be such an intricate aspect of one's relationship. Sure, there are little things that can be viewed as intimate, and it definitely does not have anything to do with sex."
"But going back and forth between wanting intimacy and letting our logical, rational minds take over...Yet to have, maybe it is our hormones that contradict our rational minds...Do we just not be intimate, or go at it and see what happens?"
"Can't answer that for you. Not directly anyway. That's a conversation you both need to have, and only the two of you can have it."
"I suggested that the farthest we go, for starters, is making out, but not farther. See how we are with doing that."
"How did Rin take that?"
"She was fine with it. She...She started kissing me; we...we..She had shown me her back; she was herself; she was Usagi….Why am I explaining it? You probably saw it.. you looked into her TimeStream, yeah?"
"I did. But I want to hear it from you. I want to hear your perspective." Kokoro left out the fact that the more intimate moments were actually blurry for her, unless she was given specific permission.
Makoto sighed, looking at Usagi, and wishing she could hold her as she slept.
"She had shown me her scars; she was in a halter-top bra; she was sitting in my lap. We were kind of getting hot; our breathing was getting a little labored, because we're kissing so much...She-she pulled back. Kokoro, her eyes were so blue...I swear they were conveying passion. Earlier the other night, at the bar, we had initially talked about a hookup because that's why I was there. When she mentioned it at that point a bit before we started kissing, I said that's no longer what I was looking for; that's not what we were. I said we could wait. She kissed me deeply, but then started to cry again. We took a break and rested. We...We were sitting there, on the bathroom floor, making out." Makoto couldn't help but smile.
But then her smile faded, and looked more concerned. She looked as if she wanted to move to have Usagi rest with her instead.
"Makoto?"
"She said she wanted me to kiss her...Were we just going too fast for our own good?"
"Makoto, tell me what happened."
"I..I know she doesn't believe in what the movies show us, but it's what she went with. She cited she wanted something good, like the movies. But she knew that was rarely true. She told me she wanted me to kiss her neck, the top of her chest...I asked if she was sure, and she said yes. We started slowly making out again. She let me get to the top of her bra. She-I think she was enjoying it...She seemed to indicate she was…" Makoto blushed.
"Keep going." Kokoro nodded, encouragingly.
"The way she said my name...It was beautiful. I just never imagined I'd get to be with her like that..Maybe even do such things. But then, but then she pulled back and took off her bra….She was beautiful. She was brave...I said she didn't have to do this; to push herself. She said she wanted to. She wanted to feel, even partial intimacy even if it was just the top half of her body. She said she wanted to do the same for me, if and when I was ready. But she insisted she was ready. I-I trusted her, but was cautious. I kissed her; starting with her face, like I had been doing. Everything just seemed to build...It was hot; yet her skin was cool...Her voice was so beautifully...deep. It was so...sensual. I...I had gotten to her breast. I-I took my time; just being really slow in my movements. I...I was about to kiss the front, and I think she had a flashback. She shrieked, ripped herself away and begged Seiya to stop…"
"When she realized it was just me, she was confused. She threw on her shirt and clicked her disguise pen. She was just awake from that point on. She couldn't calm her mind, even though she calmed when she heard my voice. She understandably wouldn't let me hold her hand. She continued to go between super upset and tears to just...shoving it all down and at least sounding like she was okay and had a handle on things. She didn't say too much at times; she'd mumble words here and there that I tried to string into a sentence. She had done the same this morning..."
"Wait, something else happened this morning, other than Setsuna and he barging in?"
Makoto took a deep breath and looked both sad and angry. "No - that. But she didn't feel safe. She didn't feel safe with me because Setsuna stupidly brought that traitor into my apartment. She worries they saw her scars when they barged into my room - She...She sleeps better when I hold her. But she was disguised, and I moved to protect her. She doesn't feel safe because he was here."
"We will make sure this is one of her safe spaces."
"How? He's already infiltrated it."
"We'll figure it out. All three of us. He will never set foot in this place again.
"I just want to hold her, and make all her pain go away. Her pain is my pain."
"You really are a hopeless romantic."
"Hey. Be nice. I'm being serious here."
"I know. And she loves you for it, more than you know. "
"I..I think she's trying to prove that to me. But she doesn't have to! Not like this. I'd never ask anyone to prove their love with sex!"
"Makoto, please relax? You've made that clear to her. It's not anything you've done; it's her own mind."
"I love her."
"I know. Your heart wouldn't let you move on for a reason. That reason is sleeping on your couch."
"So what happens now?"
"We all take things slowly. See what else she opens up to you about."
Makoto nodded. "Do you think she'll talk to you?"
Kokoro gave her a soft look without confirming or denying anything.
"What do we do about the traitor and Setsuna?"
"Setsuna will not be allowed here. I've enhanced Saturn's privacy barrier. Any meetings you may want to have; it'll be at the dojo."
"I love your way of thinking."
Kokoro grinned. "Granted, that depends on what Princess Kimykuu says."
"Usa's gonna hate that this has to get out."
"I know. But Princess Kimykuu will be bound too."
"Will the Ancients know too?"
"Yes, they're going to have to."
"Sets and Hotaru too?"
"Not yet. I can keep it from them for now."
"So, what do we do in the meantime?"
"Don't change who you are. Keep being you. Be there for her exactly like you are, and if you need to call me again, do it. You made the right choice today, Makoto."
"Thanks."
"Got any leftovers? It's been awhile since either of us ate." Kokoro grinned.
Makoto softly laughed, bringing Kokoro into the kitchen, with a sleeping Usagi never leaving their view.
(A/N: Please review! Thanks! ~TRP~)