Set after Endgame and before The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, Bucky writes his final letter to the man on the bridge. Many thanks to those of you who have read and most importantly, reviewed this. It's very much appreciated, thank you.

Epilogue.

Hey Steve.

Feels weird writing this down again.

Where do I start? How about right at the beginning?

That's the thing about my mind being restored to me, my memories are right where I can get at them instead of feeling like I'm trying to see through thick fog. I don't have to guess, write those flashes down and hope they make sense eventually. Being able to remember and trust in those memories has been…life changing I guess.

Because thanks to Shuri, I remember everything.

I remember you and me.

I want to say that it's a story. One of love, loyalty, friendship and brotherhood.

Once upon a time…maybe that's how I should begin.

Okay, here goes,

Once upon a time….

A kid by the name of James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky to his friends, saw a scrawny blond kid who looked like a good gust of wind would blow him clean off his feet and decided, hey now he looks like a kid who could do with a buddy….

And the rest is history.

The End.

Except it wasn't that simple. Sure we became friends, best friends actually but I do remember seeing you on that schoolyard that cold February day. I can remember the exact moment I clapped eyes on you. Skinny to the point of being emaciated, your pigeon chest heaving with the attempt to breathe, your head too big for your body. Your skin was grey and clammy looking with smudgy grey shadows under your eyes. You looked like you should've been tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle and a bottle of cough syrup instead of glaring up at a kid who looked to be easily twice your height, rocking on your heels a little, fists clenched and raised and ready to defend the smaller kid kneeling down on the cracked concrete behind you, feeling around blindly for his bent and broken spectacles.

Who knew that would be a theme with you?

I remember seeing the temper in your eyes, the pink spots on your already pale cheeks. Was temper or a fever? I wasn't sure then and I'm still not sure now but you were gonna try and deck that kid for sure if I hadn't stepped in when I did.

So I did and a friendship began, an unbreakable bond was created.

You needed a friend, a champion and I was only too happy to step into that role for you. I knew you hated it. You always wanted to fight your own battles, do what was right and honourable and I'd let you up to a point because even though your intentions were truly admirable, sometimes I did have to step in for your own good before you got your ass well and truly kicked. You know, I wasn't kidding when I said I thought you liked being punched. So I'd be your protector and you'd be my voice of reason. You'd be my calm in a storm, talk me down from losing my temper or stop me from making stupid choices or decisions by being that irritating but necessary voice of logic and truth.

Best friends since childhood…

I remember that montage from the Smithsonian. We were best friends. Brothers almost. I know my sisters saw you as another brother. You used to be awestruck by them, by our noisy boisterous family. What I used to find annoying about having three younger sisters, like having to wait my turn to use the bathroom, having to do the big brother stuff such as looking out for them when they were old enough to date (which between you and me, I didn't mind that much, really), you just seemed to be amazed by it all. You didn't even mind the constant noise. Probably because it was just you and your mom at home and your mom had to work before she died. My mom picked up on that too. She didn't like the thought of you being alone in that apartment when your mom was working so she absorbed you into our family dynamic. An extra place at the table, another pillow or an extra blanket on my bed. It was no big deal to her, it was no big deal for any of us. As far as we were concerned, you were an honorary Barnes.

I can't believe that I forgot that. That for a long, long time I forgot you and what you meant to me. That I forgot everything and everyone who was important to me. You, my family, the things that bound me, held me together. Bound and held us together All gone. Burned away.

Seeing you on that bridge, hearing you say my name. It unlocked something. For the first time in decades. Your face stayed with me from then even after they wiped me again. However much HYDRA tried to obliterate your face from my mind, you were there, faintly drawn but still there.

So when I saw you on that Heli-carrier, despite me telling you that I didn't know you, I knew that I did. I just couldn't remember how and that terrified me and the fear stayed with me until I got to Wakanda and Shuri restored me. Your presence was like a shadow that I couldn't out run, no matter how hard I tried to, even propelled by fear. I knew subconsciously that I wouldn't get far, that you would catch up with me and in Bucharest, you finally did.

I was scared of so much during that time.

Of having my life back, such as it was.

Of being recaptured, what would HYDRA do to me then?

Of seeing you again.

The trigger words. I mean, after Zemo got his hands on the manual and used it to his advantage in Berlin knowing what mayhem he could and did unleash. What was stopping someone much worse from doing the same? The lack of autonomy that created, it was one of the reasons why I wanted to go back under in Wakanda. I needed people far more intelligent than you or I to figure out and disarm the power those words had over me and Shuri figured it out. In weeks.

Sitting by that campfire with Ayo nearby and realising, finally realising for the first time in decades that I was really free was overwhelming.

The look on your face when I told you. The feeling of your arms around me, hugging me tight, patting my back. The momentary feeling of relief, of peace. Of hope.

Until Thanos.

Five years. Fighting for our right to exist only to fail and for five years nothing. I was gone. Sam was gone. Half the universe was just…gone. Into nothing. You were alone. Again. This time you couldn't search for me, couldn't follow any clues but you never gave up hope and eventually that hope paid off. Walking onto that battlefield as if the past half a decade had never happened. Straight into another fight, rescued from the brink of defeat. This time we came to rescue you. The sky was black. Our hearts were pounding in our chests. Determination and just downright stubbornness overriding any sense of panic. This time we had to win and we did but at what cost?

I'd wanted to help fix the schism that had opened up between you and Tony Stark. After all it was my fault it opened up in the first place, right? So at the back of my mind, once the fight was done, I was going to try and talk to him, try and make everything right between you both. I would've done anything he wanted me to if it meant repairing the damage between you. He was going to be the first person I'd make amends to once all of this was all over and everything returned to normal if he'd let me.

Except it didn't go back to normal.

He died.

He died.

And damn it, he wasn't supposed to.

He had so much to lose, so many people who loved him, maybe hated him too, certainly butted heads with him but more people loved him and he fucking sacrificed himself so we could win. A noble, heroic death that devastated everyone.

And I would never get the opportunity to tell him how sorry I was.

You were quiet after that. Originally I thought it was because Tony was gone but I was wrong. In the days between the fight and the memorial, you and I, we talked. At first it felt kind of awkward. Rushed. Trying to cram as much as possible into the tightest time frame possible and it made me wonder, what was the all fired rush? We had all the time in the world to get to know each other again without a worldwide conflict getting in the way.

Turns out I was wrong. You had a plan because of course you did.

And you told me, eventually, over countless beers that would never get us drunk. About going back to Peggy. Dead in this universe Peggy. Going back and creating your own pocket universe. With her.

Halting at first, waiting for me to laugh at you I guess and tell you to quit dreaming. I think you forgot that I wasn't the logical one in this relationship, that was you and you'd obviously thought about all of this long and hard. I could see it wasn't a whim. You don't have whims. That used to be me, way back then. When I was forever falling in love, telling you this girl was 'the one' and that girl was 'the one' and you'd roll your eyes in that long-suffering manner of yours back then and sigh 'sure Buck, whatever you say.' You weren't that guy. Til then. I could see it in your eyes. So I told you to follow your heart. Even though really I wanted to ask you 'what about me? What do I do without you?' After everything that had happened and you were up and leaving me. And then I reminded myself not to be such a selfish fucking asshole and to grow a pair. You were lonely, even with me back in your life, I wasn't enough. You needed more and you had a solution. So we talked and planned. And you went. And the rest is history.

So now I'm in a world without you. And damn it, I'm a selfish fucking asshole because I miss you.

Navigating the twenty first century. Not having a target on my back. It hasn't made me any less suspicious or paranoid but now I know there isn't a warrant out for my arrest.

I guess SHIELD got hold of my insurance policies because between Bucharest and Berlin my backpack disappeared and along with it my diaries and notebooks. I'm assuming they also found the ones left behind in my rat hole of an apartment in Bucharest because I never saw those ones again either.

I do wonder where they are, whether they're in a safe somewhere within the vaults of SHIELD being pored over. I wonder what they were expecting to read. There were no HYDRA secrets in them, no, the good stuff was contained on those thumb drives I'd stashed away that I figured would come in handy for any future negotiations if SHIELD had somehow found and arrested me before Bucharest. Downloading the secrets from the bases I raided throughout Europe. I'm assuming the information on those proved worthwhile because I wasn't transported to a supermax prison at the first opportunity after that final fight. Instead I got a pardon. Why, I wasn't immediately sure but you told me it was because I helped defeat Thanos and his armies. You also speculated on whether the fact I was held and brainwashed by HYDRA for so long played a part but privately I wondered whether those thumb drives played an additional part. Nobody said it outright but I'd be a fool not to think so. So after everything, I have a pardon but also court ordered therapy sessions that would not be worth my while to miss. They're not my idea of a good time and the jury is still out on Raynor but we'll see how it goes.

Oh and I got a haircut. Yeah, really. I almost look like the older version of me again. Almost.

So now I'm here and you're not. I don't know where you are. And Sam is around. Somewhere. Grappling with what the future holds for him. He texts once in a while. I'm guessing you asked him to check in on me from time to time because that's the kind of thing you would do and I'm thinking he wouldn't do it out of the kindness of his heart. We're still striking sparks off each other, still feeling our way around. I'm definitely happier when he's not around and I'm sure he's feeling the same. He made his feelings plain in Europe. I swear I'm still working out the kinks in my back from that damn VW bug but he's persistent. Checks in once a week like clockwork. I'm not ready to return the favour just yet but you never know, one day I just might.

So, that's it. This is me now. As I'll ever be.

I guess this is the end of the line for us.

Miss you punk.

Bucky.

END