Clarke stood by one of the many observation windows that looked down onto Earth. Clouds drifted by, their path a gentle blanket of storms and calming winds as they settled over the lands. The light from distant stars twinkled and blinked in the background and she found herself wondering if the remainder of the Ark even still orbited Earth, or if its obit had decayed enough to be caught in a final spiralling plummet to the Earth's surface.
Life in the flame had become normal for her, the passage of time easier to understand now that Athena had joined them. She was happy that Athena continued to fight for her people, for their people. She was happy with the memories Athena shared with them of the Clarke on the outside. And yet it saddened her in some way, in some manner. She knew there was pain and suffering, she knew she would be feeling it all, alone in heart, if not in friendship. But Clarke knew that a burden she would have embraced, taken upon herself without complaint.
And yet Clarke knew it not easy.
"Clarke," Athena's voice sounded behind her.
It didn't surprise Clarke, she had felt Athena join them in the flame an hour or two ago. And yet there was something in Athena's voice that seemed oddly strained, oddly uncertain.
"Hey," Clarke said as she turned from the window.
Athena stood at the entrance to the observation deck, her hands clasped behind her back, a trait passed down from Commander to Commander.
"I am not intruding, am I?" Athena asked, her gaze moving to the window, to the Earth that took up much of the window.
"No," Clarke answered with a shake of her head. "You're not, I was just thinking," and she gestured for Athena to join her.
Athena nodded as she began to move towards her slowly, her back straight, her head held high just as each Commander seemed to do. They remained quiet for a moment or two then, Clarke curious as to the uncertainty she felt rolling off Athena. But the longer the silence remained, the more Clarke could sense there were things Athena wanted to say, perhaps needed to say.
And yet Clarke wouldn't press her on it, she wouldn't presume to know what Athena was going through, not after everything that had happened to them both in their lives.
"Did Lexa ever speak of Agamemnon or Eamon?" Athena said suddenly, and Clarke looked at her to find her brows furrowed slightly, a single lock of red hair curling out of place amongst her braids.
Clarke didn't entirely know how to answer that question though. She had spoken to both men many times over the months they had been together in the flame. And yet no, she didn't think Lexa had ever mentioned past Commanders before. At least not by name, not when both of them had been on the outside.
"No," Clarke said quietly. "She didn't."
Athena seemed to grimace at her answer, whatever she wanted to hear not what was heard. But Clarke watched her take a breath and seemingly steady herself.
"There is a place deep in Trikru lands that is home to many servants and personal guards of former Commanders," Athena said, her eyes turning from her and back to the Earth, to the clouds that blanketed the lands, to the snaking rivers, the green of forests and the blue of oceans. "Many of them give their lives to the flame, they swear loyalty until their death to serve the Commander. And when they are too old, too injured to continue their duty they are allowed to live amongst others just like them," Athena said, her voice quiet, gentle.
Clarke felt the frown upon her own face as she tried to understand where it was Athena was taking the conversation.
"Sometimes when the flame is removed, the Command has not died," Athena said, her voice now tight, unsure, uncertain. "They are wounded too severely to be able to lead their people, they would be unable to carry out their duty through no fault of their own."
Clarke thought she began to understand.
"Agamemnon and Eamon are still alive on the outside, aren't they?" Clarke asked.
"Yes," Athena said.
"Do they know about it?" Clarke didn't entirely know why she felt at ease asking Athena something she could clearly see was a secret most never found out about.
"Yes," Athena said with a shrug. "They have known about it for many years."
"Why are you telling me this, Athena?" Clarke asked.
Athena took in a deep breath and as Clarke looked at the young woman's face she saw pain, she saw uncertainty, fear, love. She saw so many emotions she couldn't even begin to name them all.
But then Athena turned away from the window and looked her in the eyes.
"Lexa is alive."
"What do you want me to say, Clarke?" Lexa challenged, her tone somewhere between annoyance and frustration.
"I don't know," Clarke answered, her own voice strained and tight, her hands fisting by her sides as she tried to reign in her emotions.
Clarke watched Lexa turn from her and look out the window and she could tell Lexa was thinking, trying to put her thoughts into words, perhaps even trying to avoid snapping at her lest she say something she regret.
Clarke didn't entirely blame Lexa for feeling annoyed though. What she asked, what she wanted was so foreign that part of her wondered if Lexa had never in her entire life even considered it.
"There are risks," Lexa said eventually, her eyes hard in the candlelight. "Society will crumble if the truth is revealed."
"Things are already changing, Lexa," Clarke countered and she stepped forward, a hand reaching out to take hold of Lexa's in what she hoped was a calming gesture. "There hasn't been conflict in ten years, Lexa," she continued. "At least not between clans."
"And if they find out former Commander's are allowed to live?"
"They'll understand, how could they not?"
"And if they don't?" Lexa's voice was tight again and Clarke feared she was losing her, she feared Lexa was already beginning to build walls around her will as her resolve seemed to iron.
"Isn't this what you fought for?" Clarke didn't let Lexa pull away, she didn't let her turn from her, look out the window, put space between them. "Isn't this why the coalition was formed? So that all the clans would one day be one, so that old hates and grudges could be put aside for the betterment of every single person?"
"Do you want this because of that?" Lexa asked. "Or because of them?"
"Can't it be both?" Clarke said. "Doesn't Clarkeget to live her life with happiness? Doesn't Alexandria get her chance at happiness?"
Clarke watched as Lexa ground her teeth, as jaw clenching and her face stern. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen Lexa so conflicted, she couldn't remember the last time she had seen that worry on her face, in her posture and it made her want to scream, shake the world around them in some way, in some form, all in the hopes of getting Lexa to see her side of the argument lest things continue to spiral further and further out of her control.
"I said once that maybe one day we'd owe nothing more to our people," Clarke said and she saw Lexa's eyes flash a warning, the memories they both shared something they hardly discussed, hardly brought up. It was perhaps a line Clarke didn't dare to cross, one she knew would bring up uncomfortable realities of their situation ever since Athena had told them both years ago that Alexandria was still alive. But Clarke wanted Lexa to know she was serious, she didn't take it lightly. "We got our one day, Lexa," Clarke said and she tried to put as much honesty in her gaze, she tried to let Lexa see as much emotion as she could lest she think her being manipulative. "We were lucky enough to be given this gift," and she squeezed Lexa's hand more tightly. "But they weren't," she said. "Clarke has been fighting for years to make sure our people have had a chance at survival, and they have. You made sure she had the foundations laid to usher in a peace that has lasted. But she can't do it alone."
Lexa looked away as if her words had stung her, as if they had bit into her flesh with as much violence as any weapon could. Clarke didn't like to do it, didn't mean to cause Lexa any pain. But she didn't think this conversation possible without causing pain, without causing discomfort.
"Clarke," Lexa whispered and this time her voice was quiet, it quivered at the edges ever so slightly. "I—" Lexa swallowed and Clarke found herself faltering for a moment as she saw the change in Lexa's demeanour, in the way she held herself. "I am fearful," Lexa said eventually.
"Lexa, I—"
But Lexa cut her off with a single shake of her head.
"You and I have been given a second chance," Lexa said and she pulled them both to the edge of the bed, she sat them both down and she took in a deep breath. "We were given a second chance few are ever given and I am thankful for it," she continued. "And yet I fear for her, outside," Lexa said quietly. "I—" Lexa swallowed. "I do not want to cause her pain, I do not want to be responsible for any further suffering Clarke has to endure. She is as much you as you are her. What if we send her to Alexandria only for her heart to be broken again? What if somehow the truth is revealed and someone hurts her? Hurts you?"
Clarke remained quiet for a moment as she considered how to say what she wanted to say.
"Despite how our lives have diverged," Clarke said. "Despite the years between us, I know she's the same person I am," she paused, perhaps to give herself time to consider what to say next, perhaps to give Lexa the time to consider what she heard. "She'd want to know that Alexandria is alive, even if she doesn't remember her, even if nothing ever happens between them. It's what I'd want," Clarke said.
Lexa nodded her head slowly, a strand of hair falling loose and tickling her nose for a moment before she tucked it back into place.
"Ok," Lexa said. "I will talk with Athena."
Athena's eyes opened slowly to reveal a room of wood, of candle and warm light streaming in through an open window. It only took her a moment or two before she recognised which part of the flame she had taken residence in and she couldn't help but to feel at ease in the surroundings.
Perhaps that feeling was because it let her escape from the days of frustrations, of small aches and bruises that seemed to be a constant presence upon her body after each and every skirmish she had fought in, after bandit attack and night raid she had led trying to rid the lands of the last remnants of those who wished to through the Coalition back into its old ways.
She thought most in the Coalition didn't actually realise just how dangerous and alarming the battles had been. Warriors from Azgeda had joined them as much needed reinforcements given just how deadly the fighting had been. Perhaps in time she'd tell those back home that the border skirmishes had been a little more serious than most realised. But for now she had a duty to her people, to protecting the clans, to protecting a legacy forged through bloodshed and sacrifice.
"Athena."
Her name being called broke through her thoughts and Athena turned to find Lexa standing in a doorway, her shoulder leant against the frame as her gaze took her in.
"Lexa," Athena said quietly as she began to walk towards her, the sight of the woman never ceasing to make her heart beat a little too strongly in her chest, even after all the years she had had to reign in the emotions and memories so cruelly thrust upon her years ago.
"You look tired," Lexa said as she pushed off from the door frame and approached, her hands clasped behind her back, the loose clothing she wore dancing in the gentle breeze.
"The skirmishes are less skirmish and more mighty battle of old," Athena said with a shrug only to wince just a little at the strain she felt in her shoulder — the tightness the result of her deflecting a rather large battle-axe that was brought down on her, the intention to cleave her in two an all too real memory from a former Commander.
"Will you tell the Coalition and Council on your return?" Lexa asked, genuine worry in her voice.
"Perhaps," Athena said with a sigh. "I will, in time."
Lexa nodded her head in understanding and Athena was thankful that Lexa didn't prod, didn't wish to force her will upon her.
"It is frustrating that there are old fools that wish to return the world to the way it was years ago," she said and she found herself frowning. "They think because we do not kill each other over needless arguments that we are becoming weak, that we are becoming soft, forgetting the sacrifices our ancestors made to ensure our survival."
Lexa hummed something that told Athena that she'd be listened to if she wanted to vent without interruption, without judgement.
"But they forget that the sacrifices of our ancestors were made so that we could thrive, live without fear of reaper, mountain man, acid fog or death from illness now easily cured."
Athena wanted to spit out words she probably shouldn't use as she remembered one particular night raid she had led that had resulted in the capture of one of the bandit leaders who had seemed to arrogant, so foolish, blinded by stories of old that he wasn't even alive to remember.
"Those leading these fools are too young to have even been alive during the most brutal of horrors the Mountain subjected us to," she said and she turned around in an attempt to shake the energy she felt beginning to build in her soul.
She let herself pace back and forth for a long minute or two, her mind slowly lessening in anger, in frustrations until the only thing that remained was the calming breeze that drifted in through the open window.
"Sorry," she said quietly as she came to a stop in front of Lexa.
"You do not need to apologise, Athena," Lexa said.
"I—" she looked away from the way Lexa looked at her lest her mind take her to a place she knew not healthy for her to linger on. "I long to return home soon," she said with a sigh as she came to sit in a chair, her legs kicked out in front of her, the image, she was sure, not becoming of someone of her status.
Lexa came to sit in front of her in her own chair, her eyes careful as they took her in. Athena took in the way Lexa looked at her and she found herself realising that there was more to this interaction than Lexa simply letting her vent, letting her voice her frustrations without judgement.
"Where is Clarke and the others?" Athena said eventually.
"They thought it best if we have this conversation alone," Lexa said.
Athena's head tilted to the side ever so slightly as her eyes narrowed a fraction. "Speak," was all she said.
"I think you should tell Clarke that Alexandria is still alive."
It was said simply, with no attempt to sugarcoat, no attempt to lessen the shock of what was said. Athena appreciated that much, but still, she thought it stung more than it should as Lexa's words cut into her mind.
"Why?" Athena let her voice harden.
Lexa was the first to break eye contact, perhaps to show that she understood the severity of her words and that she knew what she asked was unheard of, perhaps because she genuinely felt the intensity of Athena's gaze boring into her.
But of all the reasons Athena could have guessed Lexa was to give, what she heard was unexpected, was so simple, so truthful that it gave her pause.
"Because they both deserve their someday," Lexa voice was soft and gentle as she looked back at her, gaze kind though unflinching.
Athena felt a shallow pain in her heart at the words that settled within her mind. Memories she had long fought back into the recesses of her soul seemed to come alive as if gentle embers had never really died out within her.
This time it was Athena's turn to look away from Lexa, look away from eyes she at times couldn't get out of her mind. It wasn't fair. She didn't think life had truly been fair to her. But she shouldn't complain given the life she had lived, given the opportunities that had been hers to take. And yet in that moment she felt selfish, she felt alone and so burdened by emotions that she had trouble excising from her own.
"Do you know how difficult it is, Lexa?" Athena asked eventually. "Do you know how difficult it is to separate my memories from every single Commander's?" Athena didn't need an answer, she knew Lexa knew the difficulties and the challenges. "Do you know how difficult it is to separate the love felt by you, by Clarke?" She looked Lexa in the eyes and made sure her gaze didn't waver, didn't falter, didn't miss a single thing as she took in the vibrancy of the green that speckled Lexa's eyes, that made her want to reach out and embrace the woman as tightly as she could.
"I do not know," Lexa whispered from where she sat opposite her.
"It is so difficult," Athena whispered. "When I first took the flame I did not know if the love I felt for Clarke outside the flame was mine because I found her charming, kind, beautiful, so strong and sure of herself. I did not know if it was some youthful crush on a woman who had been a hero to me," she continued quietly. "I did not know if that love I felt was yours, something I had no training on how to control, on how to isolate and learn from."
Athena took in a shuddering breath as her gaze drifted down to Lexa's lips, as she found herself remembering a time so long ago, when they had both been in a tent surrounded by her warriors, when they had been about to take down the Mountain. She remembered the warmth of Lexa's hand against her face, she remembered the press of Lexa's lips against her own. She remembered every single thing shared between them and he thought it so unkind, so cruel, so uncaring of her wants.
"The love I feel for Clarke," Athena said quietly. "For her spirit in the flame, and for who she has become on the outside is real," Athena said. "It is as real as the love I feel for you, for the Commander you were, for the legacy you left. And the love I feel for Alexandria is something I can not bare, I only want for Alexandria's wellbeing, for her soul to find peace in a world that has taken more from her than she ever would have anticipated," Athena said. "It is my curse and my duty to bare. And now you ask me to tell Clarke? To tell her that Alexandria is alive? To tell her and risk breaking her heart all over again? Breaking both their hearts?"
"Yes," Lexa said quietly. "I do."
Athena looked away for such a long time that she wondered if she had somehow fallen asleep, if she had somehow lost herself to the flame and become one with it permanently. but eventually she thought her mind settled, she thought her emotions tempered and became something a little more sure, a little more confident in what they were and what they had been and what they could one day become.
"It is so strange," Athena said. "To love part of myself, to love all of myself as another," and she looked back at Lexa. "You and Clarke are as much a part of me as I am a part of you, and as I will one day be a part of the flame," and she laughed something not quite bitter. "I was never prepared for this."
"No matter your decision," Lexa said quietly, and Athena watched as Lexa reached out and took hold of her hand and squeezed it with a kindness that seemed so familiar, so full of longing and love. "You will have my guidance no matter your decision. You will have my love no matter the choice you make. And you will have Clarke's spirit inside here," Lexa's hand came and rest atop her heart.
"It is not fair," Athena said, her voice just as quiet as Lexa's had been.
"No," Lexa said sadly, "life is often times unfair to us."
Lexa reached out, her hand careful and warm as it came to rest against Athena's cheek and she leant into it, leant into the pressure, into the warmth, into the comfort and she let herself remember a past that was never hers, that could never truly be hers.
And yet it was. It would always be.
"I do not know if i have the strength to tell Clarke, to explain to her the things that would need explaining," Athena said and she wanted to lean forward, wanted to breathe in the same breath Lexa breathed. She wanted to embrace her with such want and need and desire that they'd never be able to separate their spirits ever again.
"I will always be with you," Lexa said. "All you have to do is ask and I will stand by your side, Athena."
And so Athena took in one last long breath, she held it for as long as she could before she exhaled and she made sure her voice was steady and calm before she answered.
"I will tell Clarke the truth," Athena said.
"Thank you, Athena," and with that Lexa pressed her lips to Athena's forehead, the kiss more intimate than any night of lovemaking, any embrace, any shared moment to warmth between spirits intertwined forever.