Chapter 33

Fourteen months later:

"Welcome to the "psyche-project". I am commander Steve McGarrett, this is detective Danny Williams and we will try to make psyche sessions more accessible for you."

"And because we know that you all had been compelled to come here, we will start with telling you that we both know what we are talking about.
We know how it feels to get forced into psyche sessions after a traumatic event in the field and we also know how it is to go to a psychologist voluntarily."

"You probably wonder why there are participants of various occupational fields. We have military, police and medical personnel. That was exactly our intention. Though you might work in different jobs and have different experiences, have to deal with different situations, you still have something in common: psychological trauma.
In the beginning you might not see it that way, but it will catch up with you eventually."

"Steve is a former Navy SEAL, I had been a police officer and detective in Jersey and here on Hawaii and we worked together for the Five-0 Task Force. We both had our experiences with different kind of violence, the abyss of human behavior and personnel trauma.
And every single incident had cost us – like it is costing you.
Yes, sure a rescued child – out of the enemy's hand, out of a violent home, a burning building or a probably deadly injury or disease is great and makes your day and it helps you dealing with the event in principle, but it still does something to your mind.
Piling this up doesn't make it better and in your line of duty it is just a matter of time until the pile is too high to dismantle it anytime soon – or even at all."

"To avoid that the rules are forcing us into talking to a psychologist – a shrink like we call them – who wants to know everything from "how was birth to how much sex do you have". But most of the time you don't feel any kind of relief – either because the counseling was poor or too short or in some cases thankfully, both of it.
All we've learned is to act like they want to see it and to say what they want to hear, so we can go back to our job – saving lives and doing good – until next time.
Our acting skills have improved, our minds and souls are still troubled and hurt.
But we don't want to blame everything on the psychologists. We are a part of the problem too. We don't want to go there. Because we think we can deal alone, but we get forced to go there and that makes us feel even more negative about it, already hating it before we have even tried. Hearing our colleagues talk about it doesn't help either.
And the worst thing is our own attitude when it comes to psychological issues. We are reluctant to admit that we need help or even refusing it. And why? Because we think we are weak or something is wrong with us."

"And we are right with one thing. Something is wrong with us, but not in the way we might think.
If we have problems with our teeth, we go to the dentist. If we have problems with our bones, we go see an orthopedist. If we feel sick, we see our family doctor.
If we have trouble processing, we stay at home, probably even withdrawing ourselves from family and friends, because we feel ashamed and/or weak.
But there is no need to be ashamed and it is not weakness to ask for help. It's a strength.
We need to learn that a hurt mind or soul is as "embarrassing" as a broken leg – and that it can heal too.
Psychological issues are not a shame, they are just another injury to our body."

"This may sound to you like we want to push you to see a psychologist as well…I see a few of you nod…but this is not what we have in mind.
All we want is to make you feel that you are not alone in this, that there are a lot of people who are suffering from psychological problems and that you can come forward with it.
It is not even always necessary to see a doctor, sometimes it is enough to talk to a friend, a family member or a colleague. Just don't bottle up and deal alone.
You see and experience stuff 99,9 % of the people who work "normal" jobs don't want to see or experience ever – don't even want to hear about it. But is your every day life.
We want to sensitize you to the fact that everyone can be affected, that it has nothing to do with being weak or worthless and first and foremost that you need to talk to someone."

"Friends or other people close to you are normally the ones noticing something is up first. When you are longer in treatment the psychologist is asking you who the most important person in your life is. Then we answer my wife, my children, my mother, my whatever. And the answer is right because they mean everything to us. Yet we ignore them when they are trying to help us.
The answer the psychologist wants to hear is "I am". And that is also right. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our loved ones.
A few years back my daughter got kidnapped. I got her back unscathed, but I had been a mess during and after the whole ordeal. I had been afraid of everything. Friends had asked me how I was holding up, knowing that said incident had shaken me to the core. I had lied to them, had told them that I was "fine".
After a few months I had sought medical advice after all. I hadn't told any of my friends, family or relatives. Why? Because I had felt weak and ashamed. After a few sessions, I had started to feel relief and I am seeing that doctor ever since. Everyone I care about knows it by now and nobody is treating me differently."

"Unfortunately, I had made a different decision. I hadn't even considered medical treatment and I had ignored my friend's concerns and offers to help. I had made bad experiences with psychologist and used it as an excuse, thinking they were all alike. Being taught my whole life that showing emotions is a sign of weakness didn't make it any better. After years of experiencing traumas to body, mind and soul, my body had finally told me that it was enough.
It hadn't happened in an instant though. It had been a slow progress. You feel tired all the time, you have headaches, muscle and bone pain, no appetite, no energy to do anything not even things you usually enjoy. You withdraw yourself from friends and family, you yell at people who don't deserve t. It all adds to the other and believe me at this point, it doesn't get better – it just gets worse.
I had needed a hospital stay.
I was suffering from stress, PTSD, anxiety and depression. I had to take high doses of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to take the edge of, to at least get my ability of fighting back. It's been two years since that. After reducing the medication step by step, I am completely off for two months now, but I still require a sleeping pill once in a while, because of re-occurring nightmares.
There are things you just can't forget. It will haunt you for the rest of your lives, but you can at least try to do something and learn how to cope with certain things.
The months prior to treatment and the first into it were worse than every other injury I've ever had.
I'd rather have another transplant than recovering from this again.
But I am glad I had done the therapy.
I can talk to my friends again without offending them. They are not in a constant worry about how to treat me or what might happen next anymore. I can get through the days without getting panic attacks or worrying too much and I can sleep through most of the nights.
I have my life back.
We have decreased and increased the medication a few times, but I'd rather taken the risk of being medicated for too long than going back into that depressed state again.
So, think about everything you have heard tonight and don't make the same mistake I did. And never ever push away your friends or family or any other people you trust. You don't have to tell them everything, but they need to know what is going on. You will definitely need them to get through all of this."

"We'll give out some flyers now. Please take one and give the rest to your neighbor. There are a few contacts on it where you can get advice or make direct appointments. You can even stay anonymous.
Steve and I have spoken eye to eye with everyone on the list to make sure they support our program 100%.
If you want to know more Steve and I are also here a little longer, so you can speak to us privately. You can also call us if you want to stay anonymous. Contact details are on the back of the flyer.
We hope we could help you with some things and have shown you a way or two to get out of your downs.
Please try it out, don't give up on the first try and don't refuse help.
We hope it wasn't as bad as it had sounded for you when you had gotten the "invitation".
Thank you for your patience and attention."

The applause they got, indicated that most of the people liked what they had heard.

"One more thing: We know that some of you won't be satisfied with their appointed psychologists and getting "an own" is expensive if it is not covered by your insurance. Danny and I had set up a fund financed by donations from various sources including the military and the Hawaiian government. If you need some support, then don't hesitate to ask. We are here for you from now on, helping you in every possible aspect to get the help you need."

Author`s note: That was it. Thanks for reading and your support. Thanks for reviews, favorites and followers. One (short) story is left - going to post it soon. Hope we see us for a last time then. Have a great weekend.