The Bings

January 2004

Erica put a hand on her stomach and looked back at this man that she did not know. He was a blank slate to her. A nameless, faceless person who could be anyone. He certainly was not the man she had thought he was just a few moments ago before she discovered his duplicity and stormed out of the room. At that point, he had become a man that she was all but done looking at. Yet now, she found she could not turn away as this alien who stood before her earnestly pleaded for her mercy with his eyes. Begging her to reconsider the choice she had made about him and his wife. A choice that suddenly she was beginning to wonder if she had been too hasty with. Too angry. Too desperate. Driven by her need to get this one choice right.

Choices. she had to make so many more of them. Yet she has had to make so many difficult choices already. Her entire life felt as if it were in upheaval simply because of some of the choices she has made over the past year. And now, because of all those choices, she had to make the most important one of her young life. She had to find the perfect parents for her unborn child.

It was an arduous task. One she never thought she would ever have to wrestle with. A scenario that no one would have imagined this time last year. Nevertheless, here she was, standing next to the elevator. Holding her stomach, and trying to determine what she was going to do. And who she was going to pick.

She looked up again and studied this strangers face. His soft features. His vulnerable, almost nervous eyes. The way he did not seem to know what to do with his hands and how he rocked slightly, side-to-side on the balls of his feet. Almost imperceptible movement that belied the anxiety and tension he was trying to hide. He hardly looked like the kind of man she would have thought to choose to raise her child. He looked more like someone she would barely notice on line at the store. Or someone who would help her open a bank account. Sell her insurance. Rent her a car.

She turned her eyes down and thought about the man she was supposed to meet. The man she picked out of all the other potential fathers in all of those packets that she had gone through since coming to this adoption agency. Reading every detail about the countless couples who were looking to adopt. All of them with practically the same exact recommendation letters and testimonials. A mind-numbing blur of words. It felt as if she had walked into class for the very first time, and then discovered it was the end of the semester. And now she had to study for the final exam or flunk out of school forever and ruin her life.

But then, through all the confusion, worry, doubt and second thoughts, there he was. Cutting through the haze of applications like a hot knife through butter. And she knew that he was the one. That these would be the people she was meant to give her child to. It felt like divine intervention as their packet practically glowed as she held it in her hands.

Dr. 0W33815-D. He would be the man that would become the father of her child. Everything she needed to know was right there, in black and white. In reading and re-reading their paperwork, she grew to believe that she already knew that man. This accomplished, successful, no doubt wealthy person who was attached to that file number.

She envisioned that he most likely had those tiny, little streaks of grey in his hair. Enough to show he had wisdom, but not where he looked like and old man. He wore cardigan sweaters around the house in the fall. He put on his reading glasses when he wanted to enjoy a book by the fire. He told stories about his days as a college football player and med student. He would grill steaks in the summer and throw his children in the pool while they waited for dinner. He was wise and patient, yet also disciplined and moral. He did not let his children walk all over him, but he made sure to allow them some room to fail. He would be the perfect father.

And she was so sure that she knew him.

But as she looked down at the baby growing in her stomach, she realized that was a lie. She did not know that man at all. He was just some fantasy she conjured up in her head. A story she attached to the file she studied as she tried to make the biggest decision of her life. A canard to make it easier to pretend that there was no risk in what she would be doing. No chance of failure. And besides, if she did get it wrong, how could anyone blame her? This was a doctor and a reverend. It was foolproof. No one would hold her responsible.

No one that is, except for her. She would still blame herself if everything went awry. If those perfect people on paper turned out to be monsters, it would be all her fault.

She wondered for a moment, if she even really knew what a good father was supposed to be. If she would know one when she saw him. Recognize it simply by gazing upon his face. She thought she knew. She thought her own dad had provided the perfect example of what a good father was, but that was not entirely true. When she told him she was pregnant, her father grew angry, cold, distant. He talked about all the things she was throwing away and all the ways she was ruining her life. How she failed her family, her church, herself. And even though he supported her in the end, when she chose to give the baby up for adoption, it did not feel the same anymore. It felt manufactured. Artificial. Contingent.

And now with the doubt creeping in and settling down deep inside her, she felt as if she were back at square one. She could not trust her fantasy. She could not trust her reality. She could not trust herself.

But then, there was this man. This odd man with the sarcastic joke that sent the adoption agent scurrying out of the room. This unassuming man who spoke softly. With sincerity. A man who did not try to sell himself to her. A man that clearly doubted himself. A man who was willing to embarrass himself and face her for the sake of the woman he loved. A man that was willing to fight for his family.

She looked him in the eye once more.

"Will you….do you think if you had a kid, you'd do something like this for them?"

Chandler stepped back, slightly confused. "What do you mean?"

"Fight for them? Even when they do something wrong? Even when they make a mistake?"

Chandler glanced down and chuckled. "Like say they were a reverend when they weren't one?"

Erica nodded.

"Well, yeah."

Erica touched her stomach once more. "I think kids need to know their parents are going to stand by them. Help them when they need to make important decisions. Not leave them all alone."

Chandler took a moment. He suddenly felt a kinship with this girl. She was one of his kind. Adrift in the world. Unsure of who they were supposed to be without the guidance of nurturing parents who stood by her through thick and thin. She was him. "I do too."

The two of them stood in silence for a moment. Erica looking at herself. Chandler at his shoes.

Chandler cleared his throat and when Erica looked up, he made sure to catch her eye. "You know, my parents, they weren't that involved with raising me when I was a kid. I know how it can feel to be alone. Not to have the two people around who are supposed to always be around. I promised myself, if I ever had a kid of my own, that I would be there for them. Always."

Erica nodded. "That's important."

"I think so too."

Erica then realized she was wrong before with her snap judgment, when he followed her out of the room and she was ready to dismiss him and banish him from her sight. This man was not a stranger. At least not anymore. She knew exactly who he was. He was awkward and a little inappropriate, but he was also sincere, and capable of loving in a way that was bigger than the bitterness that comes with being let down by people who should never let you down. A man who was able to get past all of that and find it within himself to want to do better than what people expected of him.

She knew him, because in a way, he was her.

And she knew right then and there, that he was going to be a great father.

September 2007

Erica used her foot to hold the door open while she lugged the last of her boxes inside her new apartment. Her arms were tired and strained from a full day of moving, most of which she did by herself. But as she scanned the room and thought about the new phase of life that she was about to embark upon, she felt renewed energy. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes of her past life.

She put the box down near the couch and excitedly opened it up. Her eyes beamed with pride as she shifted the contents around until she found what she was looking for. She pulled the framed document out of the box and smiled. She then stood up and began to walk towards the far side of the livingroom. She held the frame up against the wall and slid it until it looked level. She leaned her head back as far as she could so she could get a better view of what it looked like. She shook her head and then walked over to another wall, repeating her actions several times until she felt satisfied that she found the perfect spot for her college degree.

"Where did I put the hammer?"

She turned around and started to scan the boxes that were scattered across the floor and stopped when she noticed the still unopened package that was delivered this afternoon. The one she found at her door when she arrived. Waiting for her there, like a homecoming candle in the window, All the way from New York to Columbus Ohio. She walked over and touched the label lovingly. gently stroking it with her fingers. She then got down on her knees and started to carefully open the box. Inside she found a folded blanket, a sweatshirt with "NYC" written across the front, a tin of homemade cookies, a box of chocolates, two framed photos, and two envelopes. One large, one small.

She held up the soft fleece blanket and ran her hand along the fabric. Smiling at the instant, comforting feeling it gave her. She then opened the tin of cookies and took a bite from one, placing it back inside to finish off later. She lifted out to photos and looked at them. Erica and Jack Bing. She smiled at the smart, matching outfits they wore. Bright colors. Big smiles. They looked happy. They looked loved. And it warmed her heart to know that.

She then took another bite from the cookie as she opened the smaller envelope and found a greeting card inside with "congratulations" embossed across the front. When she opened it, a check fell out, and her eyes widened as she looked at the amount. She then turned her attention to the hand written note on the inside of the card.

"Congratulations Erica!

I can't believe you are already done with school! It feels like just yesterday you told us you were going back to college and I am so proud of all your hard work. I knew you could do it! I hope you like your new apartment and your new job. I know you'll do great. Chandler and I just wanted to send you a welcome package. I hear it can get cold there in Columbus so hopefully the blanket and sweater will keep you warm. We also sent you some pictures the kids drew and some other stuff about how their year has been and just a little money to help get you started or so you can buy yourself a proper housewarming gift from us. Get whatever you need! Feel free to reach out to us if you want anything else. I have some very specific recommendations on how you can maximize your space for both efficiency and aesthetics! And if you need a way to organize your monthly bills we could do by due date, alphabetically, or even from most expensive to least. We'll really have to think about that.

Good luck with everything and we will talk soon!

Love, Monica, Chandler, Erica and Jack."

Erica smiled at the warm regards and carefully put the card down. She then turned to the larger envelope and began to go through the photos and drawings that were carefully placed inside. Pictures of purple horses. Yellow and green cows. Red houses with crooked stick people waving from the lawn. The things that spring forth from the happy, creative minds of young children who do not know that there are any rules yet when it comes to how things need to look. A lesson they are no doubt learning from their father.

Erica placed the thick, construction paper down. Laying it in the box with extra care not to bend it and cause a crease. She then sat down on the floor and pulled her knees into her chest and hugged herself as she looked around her apartment once more. And how fitting it seemed that Monica was the first to greet her in her new home.

She found it funny how, upon her first impression, she hated this woman. Wide eyed, wild arched eyebrows, lying to her face. She can almost recall how angry she was that day. But that recollection felt more like watching two different people in an old home movie on a video format that no longer existed. It was an out-of-focus relic from the past. Now, after knowing Monica for more than three years, she could not imagine ever hating her.

She leaned back, and let her mind snag on a memory. Her first visit to New York. By the time she arrived, she had already surrendered herself to the unique charm of these two people who would adopt her child. She began to feel more like a passenger in her life then. A spectator who was able to pull away from the reality of what was happening to her. A temporary endorphin high, where the euphoria of finally finding the right set of parents cast a shiny veneer over all her other problems. Taunting insecurities about how to piece her life back together after she gave birth nipped at her heels like small, angry dogs.

Monica had proven to be everything Chandler said she was. She was more than that. She was the older sister she did not know she needed. Encouraging her to trust her own instincts. To believe in herself. Something that was foreign to her. And she could trace the steps from that lunch they had back then to today. Like a straight line.

February 2004

Erica shuffled in her seat. While this had been a very easy part of the pregnancy compared to her first trimester, she still found trouble getting comfortable in hard, unforgiving chairs. Her body sought comfort and soft cushions. Loose clothes and easy sneakers. Not Manhattan cafes with metal tables and rigid seats. But, she wanted to be here and experience it all so she finally settled in and then smiled at Monica as she picked up a menu.

"I want to thank you again for showing me around."

Monica tsked and waved her hand gesturing that no thanks was needed. "Oh, that's our pleasure. We're the ones who should be thanking you. All the time."

Erica giggled and then stopped and looked across at Monica slightly bemused. "Why?"

Monica tried to hide her incredulous reaction and then nodded her head at Erica's stomach.

"Oh. Right." Erica glanced down, a flash of wistfulness washed over her face.

Monica's eyes arched and she leaned in. "Is everything okay? Do you not feel well? Because we can go home and I can make you lunch and you can lie on the couch." Monica started to reach for her coat. "You probably need to get off your feet! I bet your ankles are all swollen now. I can't believe I made you walk here. I knew I should have gotten us a cab!" Monica then turned her head and admonished herself. "Come on Monica! What are you? An amateur!"

Erica could not help but let out a chuckle. "No. No. I feel fine. I'm fine. I…well…until I met the two of you…" Erica trailed off and placed her hand on her stomach. "Let's just say, you are the only two people I know who are happy that I'm pregnant."

Monica calmed herself and dropped her shoulders sympathetically. "Oh."

"It's just, when I'm around you guys, I don't feel like I messed up. I don't feel like I let anyone down."

Monica reached across and took Erica's hand. "Oh, honey. You didn't do anything wrong."

"That's not what my parents think."

Monica pursed her lips and took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Well, they are probably just worried about you."

"Yeah. Probably." Erica looked off and tried to distract herself by watching people walking past the large picture window of the restaurant. Letting different sized passersby distract her. Following each one she picked out of the crowd to follow with her eyes until they disappeared from view.

"I was always made to feel like I was a big disappointment."

Erica turned to look back at Monica. Shocked by her admission. "Really? You? But you're so….you're so….you're like super-woman!"

Monica laughed.

"No! Really. You have this amazing job where you're the boss and you have such a cool looking home. And it's so clean! And you know what you want and you have so much confidence and you're so pretty."

Monica looked down and blushed as a bashful smile spread across her lips.

"Really. You're like, what all little girls want to be. How could anybody be disappointed with that!"

"Well….it took me a long time to get here. I didn't always make the right decisions all the time. I had a lot of up and downs. And through every…down…I could feel my parent's disappointment in me. Especially my mother. It made me feel like I was never good enough for her."

Erica nodded slowly. "So…what did you do about that?"

"I drank a lot of wine."

The two women laughed and Monica smiled as she absentmindedly ran her hands over her thighs, as if she were flattening some invisible crease in her pants that did not belong there.

"I don't know. I got mad. I got depressed….I got over it. I realized that, this was my life. And the only one who gets to decide if I am doing it right is me. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my brother. Not some man. Me."

"I wish I could feel that way."

"You will. If I could get there, so can you."

"I feel like I've made so many mistakes." Erica looked down at her stomach once more. "Now I'm a pregnant girl who had to drop out of college. And this is all anyone thinks I am."

Monica took a moment and eyed Erica with a kind of kinship for this young woman who had this fragile sense of self-worth driven by those around her who should be the last people to make her feel this way. Monica knew exactly what that felt like. She reached across the table and took Erica's hand.

"You're also doing something very hard. You're helping to create a family. By giving away the most impossible of gifts. That's not…looking at the bright side or trying to put a positive spin on things. That's an actual great thing you're doing. It isn't a mistake. It's….a mercy."

Erica nodded slowly, still unconvinced.

"Erica, there are going to be a lot of times in your life where you feel like your wheels are spinning in the mud, or where you look back on a decision you made with regret. The kind of regret that keeps you awake for three days. They'll be people you trust who let you down. But they'll also be times where you accomplish something all on your own, and you can see yourself turning into the person you are supposed to be. And in those small moments you'll realize that, you're doing okay. Better than okay. But no one gets to make that final judgment but you."

September 2007

Erica put her hands behind her and leaned back on the rug, reflecting on Monica's words. She looked back at her diploma. She glanced around the apartment. This was one of those moments Monica was talking about. The kind you had to stop and appreciate before you put your head down again and trudged towards achieving your next goal.

This was going back to school when everyone doubted you and finishing your degree. This was finding a job that was not exactly what you wanted, but a step in the right directions. This was being able to afford your own apartment even if you were still a bit worried about how you were going to actually save any money for the future.

This was not perfect, and that was all right. And she was not going to make all the right decisions, and she might fall short sometimes, but she knew that there were at least two people in the world who did not judge her by her failures and successes. Two people who showed her it was okay to be human. Two people who taught her to go easy on herself. Two people who were now in her life forever. Thanks to some of the choices she has made. And she knew, that whatever surprises came her way, she was going to be okay. And it was not because the Bings were telling her that. It was because she was.