This was something me and a good friend of mine, Peppy, came up with while Deep Rock Galactic. This is not, by any means, a serious fic lol, and won't be replacing Oaths of Honor in any way. I also won't be trying to reach my usual 5k words per chapter, so they'll probably be a good bit shorter most of the time, which is fine. Something quick and (hopefully) funny for you to read. Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. Have fun.
Jaune and Pyrrha set down their weapons, having finished training for the night. The blonde leader was getting progressively better when it came to fighting, much to Pyrrha's relief. His reaction time was getting quicker and she could feel the force of his blows getting stronger. The training was having an effect, and they could both feel it.
With Crocea Mors resting on the ground, Jaune sat on the cold concrete, staring up at the night sky. The stars were bright out, and the moon could be seen in its full shattered glory.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Pyrrha commented as she sat next to him.
"It is. It's so clear, too. Not like in the city." Jaune said with a smile. "Back home I used to sneak out at night just to stare at the sky." After a moment of silence, Pyrrha continued the conversation.
"It makes you wonder what else is out there, doesn't it?" Jaune hiked a brow at that, turning his attention to her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, don't you ever wonder if there's other life out there? Remnant can't be the only world with living creatures on it." Jaune chuckled quietly before looking back up at the moon.
"Yeah, actually. We have no idea how many worlds are out there, so who's to say alien life doesn't exist?"
"I also wonder if we will ever meet them."
"I hope so."
The two teens sat there for a while, gazing in wonder up at the night sky, with no idea of how right they were.
X
"Rock and Stone!" Leaf-Burner, the group Driller, shouted as he raised a mug, the other three Dwarves in his squad doing the same before they all downed their drinks in one go.
"Lloyd! Another round of Glyphid Slammer!" Their Gunner, Mead-Breaker, called. The robotic barkeeper of the Abyss Bar let out a few beeps before filling up another round of drinks.
"Speaking of bugs," the squad's Scout, Rock-Drop, stumbled into the other two, slurring his words, " you see how far I threw that *hic* Menace? Bloody thing must've flown two" he paused as he thought, "THOUSAND miles!" He laughed. They had just finished a particularly grueling on-site refining mission that'd seen them fight three Dreadnaughts at once and come out on top.
"You didn't throw it, buzz beard." Leaf said, smacking him on the shoulder. "It ran into an Exploder right when you shot it."
"Still counts!" He boasted as he threw his empty mug behind him and grabbed the fresh one and raised it into the air. "To!… uh, what was I gonna say?" He stopped his toast.
"To your shit memory!" Mead yelled with a laugh.
"Aye! To my shit memory!" Rock laughed as well before downing his drink.
"Oi, lads!" Their Engineer, Iron-Belly, shouted from across the bar floor as he leaned against the jukebox. "I found the song my cousin made!" He held up a large black disc with a dopey smile on his face.
"Well don't just stand there, slack jaw! Put it on!" Leaf said with a wide grin. After a few misses, Iron was able to put the disc in.
Music - Drunken Dwarves by Wind Rose
The music started and, once the lyrics hit, the four Dwarves immediately attempted to sing along. Emphasis on "attempted." They were doing pretty good, aside from Rock, who was struggling just to stay conscious at this point.
One mug filled with mead til the morning!
Too much for an elf!
Before they could really start singing, the aforementioned Scout collapsed in the middle of the floor, causing the rest of the Dwarves to laugh raucously.
"Oh! I've got an idea!" Mead cried out before running over and picking up his fellow Dwarf.
"Kick the Dwarf! Kick the Dwarf!" Leaf and Iron chanted, knowing what was gonna happen.
"Wha? Whas happnin?" Rock slurred, not sure of his surroundings. Before he could figure what was going on, the Gunner kicked aside a barrel and placed the drunken Scout before the Barrel Hoop. "Hey, wait!" He shouted as he scrambled back, but it was too late. Mead came running up behind him and kicked his ass, sending the Dwarf flying into the flaming hoop.
His mining rig armor protected him from the flames, but not from him impacting the ground head first, knocking him out cold. The three Dwarves left began laughing so hard Leaf nearly fell in after Rock.
"Hello, team." Their comms came alive with the voice of Mission Control, his accent much more refined than that of the Dwarves. They didn't actually know his name, so they just called him Mush.
"What is it now, Mush?! We're having fun here!" Iron responded. Everyone, barring Rock who was still unconscious, made their agreement known. Mush sighed in response.
"I've told you before to stop calling me that. And before you blow me off, this mission comes directly from Management, so you boys had better listen up."
"They do that?" Leaf asked, to which Mead simply shrugged.
"Due to your rather lackluster performance lately, you've been assigned to a newly discovered planet; Remnant."
"What? Why? Hoxxes has plenty of minerals, why're we moving?" Iron asked, causing Mush to sigh.
"Because Management says so, that's why. Your station will be relocated within the hour, so get ready."
"Hold on." Rock, who'd suddenly regained consciousness, slurred as he climbed back up to the bar from below the Barrel Hoop. "Why *burp* why don't the other companies wanna take a piece? This new *hic* place more dangerous than Hoxxes?" He asked, though Mush struggled to understand him.
"That information is above your paygrade." With that, Mush cut the comms.
"Oh great, just when I was starting to get comfy." Leaf groaned.
"If we're moving out soon, you know what we're gonna have to do, right?" Iron said, his tone forlorn. Looking at the bar menu, they all had their sights locked on that forsaken drink that shouldn't have been available in the first place. Approaching the counter, Mead cleared his throat.
"Lloyd, a round of Leaf Lover's Special." He forced out. The robot shivered at the mere mention of that Elven atrocity that'd somehow wormed its way into Management's good graces. Filling four mugs with what looked like beer, but was anything but, it slid the drinks towards the miners. Staring into the false froth, all four of them swallowed in disgust.
"Ancestors forgive me," Rock muttered before they took up the drinks and downed them all as quick as possible. The Elven "beer" made their tongues scream, and they had to force the foul liquid down to prevent vomiting. They could all feel themselves start rapidly sobering up, the drink killing the alcohol in their veins like a filthy parasite stealing nutrients. Iron felt a cold chill run down his spine.
"Any of you tell a single Dwarf outside this room, and I'll personally feed you to a Dreadnaught." The Engineer made them all promise, to which they all nodded. "Good. Now, let's get our shit ready."
Leaf checked the pressure on his flamethrower, filling the tank with unfiltered fuel for more burn power. Then he grabbed his Subata pistol, loading it with special incendiary rounds. Strapping on his pack filled with satchel charges, attaching the folded-up reinforced power drills to his forearms, and sharpening his impact axes, he was ready to go.
Iron polished his Warthog shotgun and loaded it with shells overstuffed with pellets before retrieving his homebrew HE grenades for the grenade launcher. Alongside his Mk2 deployable turret, he poured Plastcrete into his platform gun, ensuring he'd be able to create paths to high areas.
Mead tested the motor on his Lead Storm minigun, the hardened rounds and explosive heat venting confirming his victory in battle. His Bulldog revolver stayed holstered at his hip, its bullets coated in a special flammable liquid. Even should it not detonate on impact, the fact it also doubled as a neurotoxin would make up for the error. His shield generator and zipline launcher would also help him reach any of his squad that was in danger.
Finally, Rock pried out a high-caliber round jammed in his assault rifle while his double-barrel shotgun sat nearby, ready to disintegrate anything he fired it at. To assist their mining efforts, he also had with him a high-intensity flare gun and powerful grappling hook, allowing him to easily spot and reach minerals.
As they all checked their respective gear, they felt their part of the station detach from the primary dock and begin traveling to wherever this "Remnant" was.
"Well boys, looks like we're gonna be the first Dwarves on this new planet!" Mead cheered, succeeding in upping the others' spirits after the harrowing experience that was drinking Leaf Lover's Special.
"Oh, what kind of beasties do ya think they'll have?" Rock asked. "Mush wouldn't tell us shit, so what do you think? I bet it's something dark and creepy."
"Dark? Whaddya mean?" Leaf asked.
"Dark! Literally! Remnant sounds like the type of edgy name Humans would come up with, so the monsters there've gotta be at least a little spooky, right?"
"Dunno." Iron chipped in, scratching his big blonde beard. "Never heard of this place before. Can't be much worse than Glyphids, can they?"
"And now you've gone and jinxed it." Rock groaned, shaking his head. In response, a small nugget of Nitra fell out of his thick red mutton chops. "Oh, that's where that went." He shrugged before tucking it in his pocket.
"Say, Leaf, Mead, why don't you ever grow your beards out?" Iron asked. Out of the four, they consistently kept their faces clear of any kind of hair. Well, Mead had a bit of black stubble, but that was it.
"Can't grow much of a beard, something about my ancestry," Mead responded.
"Ha, that why you compensate with big guns?" Rock teased him but backed off when the Gunner drew his revolver and gave the chamber a spin. "Well, what about you, Leaf?"
"I use a flamethrower? You know, the big sodding gun that spews fire? Napalm and beards don't mix well, if you know what I mean." He stated, letting the implication speak for itself.
"Ouch, fair enough." Iron conceded.
"We've almost arrived at our destination." Mush rather loudly announced through their earpieces.
"Fuck!" Leaf shouted, startled by the sudden intrusion. As a result, he let off an accidental stream of fire, catching Iron in the face and setting his beard alight. Dropping his gun, he began screaming in fear, more for the state of his precious beard, and began running around like a headless chicken.
"For shit's sake, can someone go put him out?" Mead pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing in frustration.
"I got it!" Rock offered, grabbing a fire extinguisher and running after the panicked Engineer.
"And that's why I don't grow a beard." Leaf quietly chuckled.
"As I was saying," Mush continued, just as annoyed at the interruption, "you're nearing Remnant. Your first mission will commence shortly, taking place in the northern region of the planet. More information will be provided upon landing." As Mush explained this, Iron and Rock returned, the Engineer's face covered in a mixture of soot and extinguisher foam. He mouthed a threat to Leaf, who just chuckled in response.
"You gonna tell us anything else?" Mead asked.
"No, of course not." They all groaned as he cut the comms.
"Pretentious bastard, I bet he's not even a Dwarf." Iron muttered.
"I'll eat my beard if he is." Rock agreed.
"Wonder what the new place'll look like?"
"Well, if it's northern, it's probably cold as shit and full of ice."
"You think I didn't figure that out myself?"
"You couldn't even put your own beard out."
"And I'll tear yours off in a minute!"
"Would you ladies shut it!" Mead shouted. "We're here." He was staring through the front window at what looked to be a massive shattered moon, as well as a planet that looked all too similar to Earth.
"Hey, that looks an awful lot like the homeworld, don't it?" Leaf pointed out.
"I can see that you dimwit, look at the bloody moon!" Mead said incredulously.
"Why? Not like we'll be seeing it underground much, right?"
"What'd you think blew it up like that?"
They all thought for a moment, their collective 4 brain cells working overtime. If you held a stethoscope to one of their heads, you'd be able to hear the gears grinding away.
"Space worm?"
"Giant egg?"
"Glyphid gas?"
Leaf, Iron, and Rock guessed.
"No, I don't think that's… wait, Rock, what in Karl's name did you say?" Mead asked, genuinely confused.
"Glyphid gas." He repeated, acting as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Glyphid gas? You inhale too much Morkite smoke or something? Your brain more rotten than normal?"
"Hear me out. You ever seen the way Glyphid gas goes up when Leaf hits it with some fire?"
"It is pretty explosive." The Driller in question chipped in.
"What makes you think there'd be Glyphids way out here anyway?" Mead asked.
"We didn't think we'd find those green bastards in the Glacial Strata or the Magma Core. But we still did." Mead stopped for a moment, his brain trying to process this before he just sighed in frustration.
"Just get ready to go."
After a final equipment check, the four Space Dwarves strapped themselves into the massive drop pod hooked up to the center of the station, the countdown only giving them 5 seconds until launch once they were seated.
"Right, let's see what these new critters are. Maybe I can cook something from them." Leaf wondered, making Iron groan.
"I swear, if it ends up like your Lootbug Lemonade, I'm gonna-" He was cut off when the blast doors slammed shut and they were drowned out by the roar of the thruster sending them screaming through space and towards the frozen region of Atlas.
I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Peppy certainly loved it.