A/N: hi friends! sorry this update has taken me a while; I've been taking my time writing this story because there are just so many pieces of the puzzle to factor in and I want to make sure I get them all correct, and sometimes that takes a while. I've been trying not to push myself to write just for the sake of updating because I feel like I end up posting chapters I'm not happy with, or that serve more as fillers, and I would much rather write a purposeful chapter even if it means it takes a bit longer to get out.

Hope you understand and thank you for your patience. Enjoy!

Chapter 21: Love remains

"When all is said and done,

love will be the last thing standing in your life"

~ nakeia homer

September 2019

Jay came upstairs an hour later. Guilt sat heavy in his heart, knowing he was out of line for the things he had said to Erin. They'd been so on edge with one another lately, completely unlike themselves, and it was no longer avoidable. They were about to welcome another child into their family it felt like they were on completely different pages. Jay knew he held some responsibility in that; he'd been so focused on work that their home life had slipped through the cracks.

It was difficult trying to manage everything, trying to meet the expectations set for him. Hank kept asking him if everything was okay with Erin, as if he thought something was compromising Jay's ability to lead this team, and it was a hit to his confidence every time. He was beginning to feel less and less sure of himself – maybe he didn't deserve this job, maybe he was just the placeholder picked by Hank because his preferred options were unavailable. Antonio had been on the job longer and had already sat the exam, maybe he was the first choice. Maybe it was Erin – Hank had never shied away from saying that she was destined for greater things than just being a detective in his unit. Or maybe Jay was just being insecure and silly. He honestly didn't know what he was feeling these days.

When he reached their bedroom, Jay was surprised to find the space dark and empty. Their bed was untouched, the sheets still tucked neatly against the mattress; there was no sign of Erin anywhere. Jay walked down the hallway, peeping in to see Evie sleeping soundly, and headed towards the nursery. The door was ajar, and Jay paused just outside. He could see Erin sitting in the rocking chair – one of the few pieces of furniture that he had managed to finish putting together for their son's room – and his heart broke when he heard her sniffling as she looked out the window.

"Erin," He called softly as he walked into the room. Erin stayed quiet continuing to rock back and forth, her hands rubbing her belly gently. Jay kneeled next to her, his hand on the armchair stopping her movements as he rested his chin atop it. "Erin."

"What?" she whispered, and the broken rasp of her voice pained Jay further. She always had that croaky rasp when she'd been crying, and once again he was the one causing her tears.

Jay reached up and brushed and brushed a loose strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear, and Erin turned to look at him. Her eyes were puffy, face wet from her tears and Jay bunched his sleeve in his hand to wipe them away. Jay kept his hand on her cheek, feeling Erin lean into his touch.

"I'm sorry," He finally says, "I didn't mean it, Er. You know that, right?"

"… Doesn't make it hurt any less."

Jay nods, her words slicing through him more painfully than any tackle, punch-up, beating or bullet he's ever taken in his life. His girl is the strongest person he knows, so to hear her admit how much she's hurting resonates deeply inside his heart; the truth of the damage he's caused is unavoidable.

"I know. I know it doesn't." Jay sighs, "I'm just … angry, and frustrated. All the time."

"And you think I'm not? It feels like all we've done lately is argue, Jay. And I'm not saying it's all your fault, because I know it's not. But you- you can't keep punishing me everything Jay."

"I'm not punishing you." He urges.

"But that's what it feels like. I know that I kept the situation with Bunny from you, but I tried to explain it to you after. I tried to talk to you about it, about you not being home, about your dad, and you … you just keep holding onto this anger and you're not willing to talk it out with me." Erin cries "Look, I am sorry that I kept it from you, but I'm still going to send Bunny money. I'm not asking you to agree with it, or support it, all I'm asking is for you to respect that decision – because it's my decision. I promised Teddy that I would do what I could to make sure she was okay in there, and he's already so mad with me; I'm part of the reason she's in there, Jay."

"Her actions are her own, Erin. You're not responsible for her."

"I know that. I know that she's in there because she did the wrong thing. But I had the chance to make the whole thing go away, or at least make it a little less serious, and I chose this. I chose our life, my happiness with you, over her."

"So, what? This is your way of easing your guilt?" Jay asks, "You have nothing to feel guilty for, Erin. You've spent your entire life looking after Bunny, cleaning up her mess."

"It's not guilt, though. I don't know how to explain it, honestly. But at the end of the day, I chose myself over her; that's how Teddy sees it. And I've screwed up so much with him already; Bunny may not deserve my help, but I owe him. I owe it to my brother to look after her, because despite everything he needs her to be safe. And maybe some part of me needs her to be, too."

"… Okay." Jay says softly, defeated, "If that's- if it's what you need to do, then okay."

Erin smiles tearfully, covering his hand with hers, "Thank you."

"And … I'll go see my dad." He adds.

Erin shakes her head, "I don't want you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, babe. I shouldn't have said what I did, it was kind of manipulative, really. I didn't want you to dismiss the idea so quickly is all. Just take some time to think about what you want, and whatever decision you make I will support."

"I-I want to see him." Jay confesses, "I want to make sure he's okay. We've been through a lot of shit, but … he's still my dad. And she's still your mum. I get it."

Erin smiles and leans down, Jay coming up to meet her for a soft kiss. They linger in the stillness, letting the quiet moment surround and heal them.

"We're gonna be okay, aren't we?" Erin asks, "With the baby, and our jobs, and life, it-it feels like we're barely managing to keep our head above water these days."

"It's a rough patch, but we'll get through it. Things are just crazy right now, it's gonna settle soon. And in a couple weeks, we'll both be on leave, and I'll be around more. I promise." Jay kisses her again, standing and helping Erin out of the rocking chair and leading her back to their bedroom, "I love you; you know that?"

Erin smiles, "I know. I love you too."

two weeks later …

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Everly, happy birthday to you."

Erin and Jay smiled as they looked around at their friends and family, gathered in their house to celebrate both Everly's eleventh birthday and adoption. Kim set the two-tier, purple frosted cake in front of the little girl seated between Erin and Jay, her eyes wide with excitement as everyone clapped and cheered while she cut into the cake.

"Make a wish." Kim reminded, Everly bending forward and blowing on the candles as hard as she could.

It had been a good birthday so far. Erin and Jay took Everly out for breakfast to the Diner that she and Erin used to hang out at when they first met. They stopped at the cemetery so Everly could talk to her parents, her grandmother accompanying her while Erin and Jay waited by the car so they could have the time they needed together. It wasn't the first birthday she had celebrated without them, but it was the first one since Erin and Jay had officially become her parents, and they had been worried that she might be quite emotional today; but Everly seemed in good spirits. She missed her birth parents, but she knew they were always watching over her, and she knew they would like Jay and Erin.

"All done." Everly informed her parents, proudly surveying every flameless candle on her cake.

"Okay then, why don't you and your friends hang outside while I cut this up for everyone." Erin said, picking up the cake and heading into the kitchen while Everly and her school friends headed into the backyard.

"You know, you make it look so easy," Erin looked up as Antonio walked into the kitchen, "You're so good with her."

"She makes it easy," Erin laughed and motioned to her belly "I can't imagine this one's going to be the same, not with my DNA."

Antonio rolled his eyes, "Don't deflect, Linds. You're a great mother – take the compliment."

Erin smiled apologetically, "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

"Yeah, well, the courts don't seem to think so. Laura was granted primary custody this week, moved Eva and Diego four hours outside of Chicago to live with her rich boyfriend." Antonio sighs.

"I'm so sorry, Antonio." Erin says sincerely.

"It's not your fault, just the way the world works, I guess. it's just hard. I mean, I flipped my whole life around so that I could be there for them, to prove to a judge that I could dedicate the time and care to my kids that they deserve; and I still lost. I'm just starting to feel like I made all these decisions for nothing."

Erin frowns, "Are you not enjoying the DA's office?"

"It's fine. It's just it's not the work I wanted to be doing, you know. Intelligence … it was the dream job. And it almost cost me my family once before, so I let it go. But now I'm in this career that I didn't ever imagine myself in and I spend so much time just sitting in my house, wishing Eva and Diego were there with me. It's more lonely than I had envisioned."

Erin stops what she's doing, setting the knife down beside the half-cut cake and immediately moving to envelop her friend in a hug. Antonio lets out a breath, wrapping his arms around her and allowing himself a moment to break. Her heart goes out to him; she can't imagine how hard this must be for him, to have given up things that meant so much to him and still not gain the two people that mean the most to him.

"I'm sorry, Tony. If there's anything I can do to help..." Erin whispers.

Antonio shakes his head against her shoulder, mumbling "Keep an ear out for any open spots in Intelligence?"

Erin chuckles, pulling back to look at him, "I'm sure Jay would be more than happy to have you back, especially since Kim and I are both going to be out of action for a while."

"Hmm, maybe we can orchestrate a job-swap for a couple months." Antonio's laughter fades off, frowning when he sees the look in Erin's eyes, "I'm just kidding. Don't worry, I'm not trying to steal your job out from under you."

"Oh, no. Yeah. I know, sorry, I uh, just got distracted for second." She answers half-heartedly, Antonio watching her in confusion, "Um, I should finish this. I'll meet you out there." Erin says, pointing to the cake. Antonio nods and heads back out into the living room, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

"Today was a good day." Jay says, getting into bed next to his fiancée.

Erin smiles when Jay snuggles up next to her, his chin against her shoulder and one arm wrapped over her belly as she lies on her back. She can feel his breath soft and steady against her neck and it calms her entire body – since they talked, the last two weeks have felt much better than the months before.

"I want to talk to you about something." Erin says, turning her head to look at him.

"Hmm?" Jay murmurs, eyes shut as he feels their son kick against his hand.

"I've been thinking lately – we're gonna have two kids to look after soon, and you know how crazy our work schedules can get. Maybe … maybe I should look into another job."

Jay's eyes open wide, panicked, "What?"

"It's just something I've been thinking about, we need to be able to have a more regular schedule. We're barely managing with Evie as it is, and it's not like we can just stick the baby in afterschool care with his sister when we need to. We need a better plan, Jay. Once my leave is up, how are we going to manage all of this?"

Jay's mind was racing. He hadn't been expecting this, he didn't realise this was something Erin was worried about. He couldn't imagine Intelligence without her, without his partner, especially now; he was about to be thrown in the deep end and he needed her by his side to help him through it. He can't do this without her.

"We-we'll figure out a way to make it work. We can take turns picking up Ev and she can hang out in the bullpen with us, and maybe once a week you can leave early to take her home or–"

"That's not fair to the rest of the unit, Jay. They've got families at home, too. Kim and Adam will have two new babies at the same time. And I know her mum is going to be helping them out when they go back to work, but we can't ask our friends to pick up the slack for us just because we don't have that kind of help. We've got to figure out a more permanent solution."

"Can we just … can we just not make any decisions right now? Please. We've still got a couple months, let's just take the time to explore all our options. We'll figure something out, okay?"

The panic in his voice startles her, Erin strokes his cheek and rests her other hand atop his on her belly, "We don't have to make any decisions right now, okay? You're right. We've got time, we don't need to rush it. It's okay."

Jay's relief is evident, and he moves closer into her side, holding Erin as best he can. Erin watches him until he closes his eyes, following suit and allowing herself to get some much-needed rest. She would give him some time to come to terms with the reality of their situation – that the life they were living right now was not sustainable for their family. Something had to change, and Erin knew it was going to be up to her; Jay had so many opportunities opening up for him in Intelligence and she wouldn't ask him to give that up for her. But for now, she could give him some time if that's what he needed. Unlike before, this really was one conversation that could wait just a little bit longer.

2023 (three months after)

Jay stood in front of Hank Voight's door, key in hand. The last time he had shown up unexpectedly, he was asking his father-in-law if he could crash for the weekend while he tried to figure out if his marriage could be saved. Yet somehow, today's conversation felt like it would be harder.

Neither Voight nor Halstead were very big on talking about their feelings, especially with one another. They had grown much closer than when they first met over a decade ago, but vulnerability and communication was still not something they were used to doing between them. But last week, he and Erin had come home from therapy and discussed what he had confessed about his insecurities as Intelligence's leader. And his wife had been the driving force that led him to be standing outside Voight's door right now.

"I've known Hank Voight for more than half my life now. And if there's one thing that I know for certain about that man, it's that he doesn't make decisions based off on any other person's opinions, or because he's been trapped into a corner. He picked you because he sees what I see in you, what your entire team sees in you; someone who cares so deeply for other people, who does his best to stay on the right side of the law and his morals. Someone who would not only lead this team with pride but would uphold everything that this unit represents. You're the best man for the job, Jay. I believed it back then, and I believe it even more now."

Jay steeled himself, standing tall as he finally unlocked the door and walked inside. He heard Hank call out, knowing there were only a few select people that could be entering his house with a key, and Jay followed the man's voice into the kitchen.

"Aren't I seeing you tomorrow?" Hank asks, "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's all good. I just, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind for … a much longer time than it should've been." Jay starts nervously.

Hank looks at him concerned, motioning for Jay to sit down at the breakfast bar. He hands him a glass of water before sitting down across from him.

"What's going on?"

Jay takes a deep breath, looking Hank in the eye as he sits and explains everything that's happened the last three months. He relays the fight he had with Erin, the reason he stayed here for the weekend after, their decision to start couples counselling and the progress they'd been making with Sara over that time.

"So, that's part of why I'm here. Last session, I, uh, Erin pointed out that she didn't always feel like she and the kids were a priority for me, especially during her pregnancy. I didn't realise it then – I was trying to balance everything possible, I felt like I had so many responsibilities due to other people in my life. The biggest of them being, you."

Hank bristles, "Are you saying I'm the reason your marriage is falling apart?"

"No! God, no." Jay huffs, "I'm saying that- that I felt like I had a lot to prove to you. I was focused so heavily on trying to prove my worth to you as a leader, because I never felt like I was your first choice for the position. And I didn't think it still affected me but talking about it with Erin and with our therapist it, uh, it made me realise that sometimes I still feel like I have something to prove to you."

Hank nods, silent and contemplative, and it fills Jay with dread.

"I-I'm not telling you all this because I want you to pat me on the back and tell me I did a good job, or anything. I just needed to put it out there – I needed to acknowledge it for myself, and to you, so that I can stop letting it affect my marriage so much."

"Halstead," Hank stops him before he can ramble any further "I get it. I understand where you're coming from?"

Jay looks surprised, "Yeah?"

"I wasn't always the easiest on you, especially where Erin was concerned." Hank chuckles, "And you're right, I may not have picked you for the job if Antonio had still been in the unit. But I didn't pick you because you were the only option left, either."

"Um, why did you pick me then?" Jay asks timidly.

"Same reason I decided to let you in my unit. Because I saw potential in you. I saw a good cop who could go far in the Department, who would one day be a great leader. I always saw this possibility in you, Jay, that's why I offered you the job. Not for any personal motivation, nothing other than the sheer belief that you could lead this unit. You've forged a new path for yourself and this team, but you've always respected the work that I did even when you didn't agree with the way I did it. You've led them better than I ever could. I, uh, I'm proud of the work you've done."

Jay smiles wide, feeling like a deep unease inside of him has finally settled. Letting his feelings out was the relief he needed but hearing those words from Hank was like the cherry on top.

"Thank you, Voight."

Voight stands and affectionately claps him on the back, "Alright, if we're done with feelings time now, I've got some steaks waiting to be grilled. You hungry?"

Jay chuckles at Hank's attempts to quickly move past the conversation, "Starving, but I got to head out. Promised Erin I'd be home to have dinner with her."

Hank smiles understandingly, walking Jay out the front door, "I'm glad we had this conversation, Jay."

Jay turns back to look at the older man, "Me too. Hank."

Erin was sitting on the couch, hers and Jay's dinner on the coffee table waiting, when Jay walked through the front door of their home. He smiled as soon as he saw her and Erin waited with open arms as he kicked off his shoes, shrugged out of his jacket, and dropped onto the couch next to her. Erin sipped her wine as she watched his body finally relax, her free hand running through his short hair soothingly.

"Hi," she finally said, "big day?"

"Mhmm. I went and saw Hank after work. We had a good talk." Jay says.

Erin smiles, "I'm glad. How do you feel?"

"Good. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation, but I'm glad I did it." Jay takes a breath and sits up, grabbing the burger Erin had made and taking a bite, "How was your day?"

"How was your day?"

"Pretty good. We had this big case going on, so it was pretty hectic, but Laura and I got it handled."

"What was the case?"

Erin looks surprised by his question. They rarely spoke about her work in detail anymore – after everything with Peter, she had avoided mentioning the DA's office and Jay had avoided asking about it.

"You really want to know?"

"Of course." Jay looks at her reassuringly, "I want to know if you want to tell me."

The enthusiastic look on Erin's face grows tenfold, and she feet under her on the couch as she faces Jay and begins to tell him about her case. the Special Prosecutions Bureau had been looking into the death of a former Navy SEAL, who had been stabbed in his own home.

"That's terrible." Jay says.

"No. I mean, his death is horrible, but the case was kind of fascinating," Erin explains, "Originally we thought it was a personal link, you know; scorned lover, betrayed family member, the usual stuff. But Laura found all these papers the guy had in his house, they looked like random scribbles and nonsensical shit – turns out it was like his own special coding. He was writing a story about a mission his SEAL team oversaw, one that failed due to the actions of- what? Is something wrong?" Erin asks when she sees staring at her so intently.

"No, nothing, it's just- you really do love your job."

Erin frowns, "Of course, I do. I mean, it's never going to be what Intelligence was to me, but I love this job. I love working on this side of the law, I get to view the case from an entirely different way than I did as a cop. It's like working behind the scenes; instead of just catching the bad guys and hoping they get to put away, I get to be a part of the work that helps to ensure they do get put away. That they face reprimand for the harm they've caused."

"… Do you ever find yourself regretting it? Leaving us?"

Erin sighs, setting her wine glass down to take his hand in hers, "I don't see it as leaving you guys. As leaving you. For me, I did what needed to be done, so that you and I could both grow in our careers and support the life we were building together. I was never going to go further than where I had in Intelligence – I wasn't going to take over the unit from you, and I couldn't see myself ever working for another unit or in another district. And as much as I loved being a cop and helping people in that way, I feel like I still do those things."

Jay squeezes her hand reassuringly, "I guess it's just something that I've questioned over the years. If leaving was something you resented me for, or something you regretted doing."

"No. I made the choice, Jay. This is what was best for our family. It didn't feel like I was being made to give up something that I loved, or that I sacrificed something to my own detriment. Yes, in a way I lost something important to me, but I gained so much more. This job, it's all the best parts of what I loved as a cop. I get to help people, in a different way, and I also get to provide our kids with the structure and support they need. That's all I really wanted to be able to do, just to give them the home life that I didn't have."

"You have, Er. You've given our family more than I could've ever hoped for."

"I'm happy with how it all turned out, Jay. I don't regret the choices I made. I never thought I would be happy about having a work-life balance. Hell, I never thought I would have any work-life balance," Erin chuckles "I always thought I would work myself into an early grave. I never saw the marriage and kids' thing, or the house with the white picket fence – or wrap-around porch in our case – and I got to have all of that, because of you. So please, you gotta let go of whatever it is that's making you think anything different."

Jay doesn't say anything in return, and Erin doesn't need him to. They sit together in silence, letting their conversation soak in before Jay asks her to finish telling him about her day. He smiles as he sits across from her, listening to Erin finish the story. She spoke animatedly, hands gesturing everywhere as she dived into every little detail of the case that she found fascinating, and it warmed Jay's heart to see her like this. To truly take it all in for the first time. His wife was happy in her job. She didn't resent him for the change in her career. Working in the Bureau had been a decision that she made with their family's best interests at heart, and it turned out to be just what she needed in her life.

And with that acceptance came a bigger realisation. One that scared Jay more than anything, but one he knew was necessary. If they were going to work on their marriage, if he was going to learn to trust her with his heart again, then they needed to keep sitting and hearing one another out just like they had done now. And as much as it filled Jay with dread, the reality was unavoidable; if they were going to move forward, then they needed to dwell in what was for him the lowest point in their marriage.

He needed to let Erin tell him the whole story of what happened with Peter.

A/N: So, the next few updates might take a while to come through – I have decided that the flashbacks for this story will be done at chapter 25 (barring any massive storyline changes lol) and will be actually stop around the early 2021/late 2022 mark, and then jump to the fight that started this entire story!

Currently, this story is looking like it's going to be somewhere between the 40 or 50 chapter mark, which is more than any story I've written, so it will take some time to get these chapters out because there is so much content and I get really anxious about making sure I am as accurate as possible with the details, so I'm constantly flicking back and forth through previous chapters to double-check what I've written about certain characters, events, etc.

BUT I PROMISE I will do my best to get updates out as quickly as I can! I am aiming to update this story at least once a month, and then hopefully more regularly once I finish up my other linstead story 'End Where We Began'.

As always, thank you for reading and PLEASE leave a review and let me know your thoughts and what you might be expecting for future chapters – seeing all your comments really do motivate me and honestly just make my day xx

Until next time …