A/N: A little heads-up before we start! This chapter is structured very differently than my previous ones. Where I usually have a separate section of flashback events, and then show Erin and Jay working through things in the present; this chapter is mostly continuing from Erin and Jay's therapy session that was at the end of last chapter, and I've interweaved the past events into their discussion in therapy. There's also a 'flashback' part at the end of this chapter, instead of the start. Hopefully it won't be too confusing!

CONTENT WARNING: This chapter discusses and depicts traumatic childbirth and postpartum.

I am not a medical professional or expert of any kind and while I have done my best to research, I make no guarantees on the accuracy. And I realise that the chance of a 'super storm' in Chicago in September is highly unlikely, but this is FanFiction, so we'll just pretend it does :P

Enjoy!

Chapter 23: Hold my hand, I'll stay forever

"But after all that I've been through

Long as I'm with you

nobody can hurt me now."

Jay has no idea how it happened. How they got this heated, this quickly. But when he sees Erin drop to the floor, clutching her stomach, he knows they've pushed one another way too far. When Erin starts groaning in pain, Jay rushes to her side, a whole new level of panic filling him now. Because he's just caused the one thing that he was scared had happened to Erin when he hadn't been able to get a hold of her – Jay just put her and the baby in danger.

"Erin, what's wrong?" He asks frantically, his heart clenching when he sees the dark patch around the lower half of her dress, "Are you bleeding?"

"No, Jay, the-the baby." Erin stammers, gripping his arms tightly as the pain starts shooting up her back, "My water broke. The baby's coming."

"Okay, let's go from the start of this." Sara says, closing her notebook and setting it down on her lap, "So you were arguing about Bunny and the events leading up to her death, when Erin's water broke?"

"Yes." Jay says lowly, head down in shame, "I was … I was yelling at her-"

"We were yelling at each other." Erin amends, "It wasn't one-sided."

"You were pregnant and hormonal, and you were grieving. I shouldn't have pushed the way I did. I knew better." Jay argues.

"Let's try and focus on the facts right now," Sara interjects, "I'd like us to be on the same page about everything that happened that night before we get into a proper discussion."

Erin and Jay nod, Jay sitting quietly as Erin continues to explain, "My water broke, because I was thirty-six weeks pregnant, it was considered a preterm premature rupture of membranes; according to Will." Erin says, "The doctor had said I was at risk for placenta previa, she assumes that I developed it somewhere between our last appointment and Andrew's birth."

"She must have developed placenta previa. If her waters have broken, you need to get to the hospital right now, Jay." Doctor Greene spoke urgently through the phone. Jay had called his brother, who had been at work and thankfully Will had managed to track down their OBGYN in her office at the hospital.

"She's four weeks early and the baby was still a bit small for his stage at the last check-up."

"Could the baby … Will he be okay?" Jay asks.

"There's no reason to believe that you won't have a perfectly healthy baby boy, Jay. But babies born before the thirty-nine-week mark, especially if they're under-developed, could potentially face some difficulties. The sooner you get to the hospital, the better. We can try to slow down the labor progression, but at least if Erin does give birth, we have everything we need standing by in case of emergency."

"I've already called the ambulance, the responder's talking to Erin right now. The storm is so bad, though, and they've got so many calls coming in. They're saying it could be anywhere between thirty minutes to an hour before they can get here." Jay explains.

"Erin's labor seems to be progressing quickly, and you said she's in a lot of pain. I don't know if your son's going to wait that long." Doctor Greene sighs, "Can you get her to the hospital yourself?"

Jay shakes his head, "She's in too much pain, I can't get her up off the kitchen floor let alone down to the car."

"… Then you're going to have to start preparing yourselves for the possibility of a home birth."

"Will he, uh, he convinced a couple of off-duty paramedics at the hospital to drive him and Natalie to the house." Jay says.

"Evie came in at some point, too." Erin adds on, "It's all kind of blurred together now, but I know Jay had managed to move me to the couch by then. I think it was like forty-five minutes, maybe an hour? I know it was the screaming that woke her up. But I only really remember she was there because …"

"Because?" Sara prompts.

A sad smile makes its way to Erin's face, her eyes meeting Jay's as she says, "That's the first time she called me mama. She was scared, seeing me in so much pain; she thought she was going to lose her mom again."

"We can't do this," Erin pants, "I can't do this. We made a plan, this-this isn't in the plan!"

"I know, Er. I know." Jay says, desperately trying to keep calm, "I'm so sorry, honey, but this is the only option we got right now. Will and Nat are on their way, but they don't think they're going to reach in time. Your contractions are barely ten minutes apart."

It had been nearly forty minutes since he first called his brother and spoke to him with Doctor Greene. Twenty minutes since Will called and said he and Nat were on their way. The last update was five minutes ago, and they were only just on the freeway. There weren't as many cars as possible on the road given the storm but there was debris everywhere, and the weather alone made it difficult for them to safely navigate their way here. They were doing their best to get there quickly – his brother had promised they were doing everything they could – but as Jay gathered things from the kitchen and linen closet, the very real possibility that he might be delivering their son was starting to look more and more likely.

"Ah!" Erin's pained yell has Jay running with an armful of towels back into the living room. He drops the towels on the couch next to her, kneeling on the ground as she clutches her stomach.

"Contraction?" Jay asks and Erin nods wordlessly, "Alright, just breathe. You got this."

"No, I don't got this. I can't do this." Erin grunts, "Please, Jay, it's not supposed to- ah! Be like … this. He's too … too early."

Erin leans back against the couch as the contraction passes, taking deep breaths and trying to steady her racing heart. On a day that she was already dreading, somehow life had found a way to make the situation worse than she ever thought possible. Bunny's funeral had been an awkward affair. Teddy had been angry with her, blamed her for everything, and had refused to stay in Chicago a minute longer than he had to; leaving barely an hour after the funeral ended. Erin had sat in the park all afternoon, trying to clear her head and force her emotions back down so she could go home to her family. She didn't even realise it had started raining until a jogger had stopped and shaken her by the shoulder, asking her if she was okay.

But it all feels like a distant memory now. Erin struggles to comprehend the situation she's in. She and Jay were arguing with each other barely an hour ago, and now it was like none of it had happened at all. Both their minds and emotions had shifted from anger and frustration to sheer panic, worrying over what it could mean for their baby if he came into this world just over a month before he was meant to. December 10th. He wasn't supposed to be here for another 36 days.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry." Jay says, "I know this isn't what you wanted, I know it's scary and I … I wish there was something I could do to change it, but I can't. We can't get to the hospital, and I don't think Will's going to get here before this little guy does. I'm sorry, Erin, but this is the only choice we have now."

"I don't want to hurt him." Erin cries, "He's safe in here, with me. What if something's wrong with him? What if he doesn't-"

Jay is quick to cut off her spiral, "Hey, no, you can't think like that. The doctor said he's got good odds. You're thirty-six weeks, lots of babies are born this early and live long, healthy lives. And, if there is something wrong, well figure it out together. Okay?"

Erin nods, sniffling softly as Jay holds her hand. He needs to call Will back, to keep getting things into the living room that they'll need to deliver the baby; but for that moment he simply sits with his fiancée and holds her hand, doing his best to reassure her that everything will be okay.

Another contraction hits and Erin lets out a piercing cry. It hits her out of nowhere – her contractions hadn't been coming this close together yet, and her body feels so tight as the pain rushes through her. They're so focused on timing her contraction – Jay's holding her hand and looking at his watch on the other, Erin's eyes are squeezed shut as she tries to breathe through the feeling – that neither of them hear Evie's sock-feet shuffling down the stairs and into the living room, they don't notice her presence until her panicked voice rings out.

"Mama!"

"And how did that feel?" Sara asks, "In that moment, knowing what was probably running through your daughter's mind, for her to call you mama for the first time?"

Erin takes a moment before saying, "bittersweet. We'd both been waiting for her to feel comfortable enough with us, to know that we were a family, to call us that. There's no greater feeling in the world than hearing Ev call me 'mama' but, I just wish it had been under better circumstances."

Sara nods her head, writing a note in her book before looking back up at the couple, "So, she was with you for Andrew's birth?"

Jay chuckles at the question, "Oh yeah. Flat out refused to leave. As stubborn as her mama, that one is."

Erin rolls her eyes in response, but the smile on her face tells Jay just how much she appreciated his attempt at levity.

"What happened next?" Sara asks.

"Erin's labour accelerated from that point. She was already about four centimetres dilated when Evie came downstairs, half an hour she was ready to push." Jay explains, "Will and Nat had gotten stuck six blocks away. A tree fell and had blocked the entire street. They'd stopped and Will and the paramedics got out to help people move it off the road. So, I had to deliver the baby while Nat guided us through it over the phone."

Erin had been pushing for nearly half-an-hour. Jay kneeled on the floor of their living room, Erin seated in front of him leaning her back against the bottom of the couch with knees bent and feet firmly on the floor as she pushed. Her chin was pressed against her chest as she listened to Natalie and Jay coach her through each motion, Everly sitting on the couch with her hand on her mother's shoulder. Erin had wanted her daughter to see this, worried it might gross her out or that the sight of her brother in blood might trigger memories she knew her daughter still struggled with. But Everly had been insistent on staying by her mother's side, despite both of her parents' attempts to persuade her.

"His head's out." Jay announces when Erin stops pushing, her head falling back against her Evie's little legs. Evie wipes her mama's forehead, sharing a smile when Erin's tired eyes open to look at her.

Natalie observes Jay through the phone as instructs them, "Okay, Erin. On this next contraction, you must push hard. Once his shoulders are through, Jay should be able to help ease him out, but you've got to give it your all on this one, okay?"

Erin nodded, eyelids blinking heavily as she tried to focus on Natalie's words. She was exhausted. And it hurt, so damn much. Jay felt his heart break seeing his wife in such agony, her eyes were red from the lack of sleep she'd been getting this past week and the tears she'd shed throughout the turmoil of this day. She looked near her breaking point, and he was in awe of how much she persevered right now.

"Mmm, I think- ow, okay it's coming." Erin winced, fumbling as she pushed herself up a bit and gripped her hands over the tops of her knees, digging her nails into her skin as she grits her teeth and pushed as hard as she could.

"That's it, Erin. You're doing great." Natalie said through the phone, watching from where Jay had positioned his phone so she could get a view of the baby.

"That's his shoulder," Jay said, awe-struck as he eased his son's body out, "and the other. You're doing so good, Erin."

Erin breathed deeply, feeling her contraction wind down once more, "Is he out? Is he okay?"

"He looks good so far," Natalie answered, "But he's being a bit stubborn. We're going to need one more push to help him out."

Erin felt tears prick her eyes, "You said that already!"

"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry. I swear, this is the last one."

The tears rolled down her face, "This can't be happening. It wasn't supposed to be like this!"

Jay watched Erin helplessly, looking down at the lifeless baby in his arms. All he wanted to do was reach out and hold Erin in his arms and promise her that it would be okay, that she could do this. But he couldn't.

"Erin. Erin, look at me," Jay says sternly, "I know this isn't how we planned it. I know it sucks right now, and I wish that we weren't in this position, but if there's one thing that I know; it's that you can do this. I'm sitting here, holding our son in my hands, and I need you to hear me when I say that I have never had more admiration for you than I do in this moment. You're the strongest person I know. And honestly, I've never been more grateful that women are the ones who give birth, because I don't think I would've lasted even one contraction without pain meds."

Erin manages a laugh at that, smiling tiredly at Jay as he tells her, "You're a fighter, Er. And right now, our son needs you to be strong and to help him out here. He can't do this without you."

"O-Okay." Erin breathes out, "One more."

"Just one more."

Erin nods, closes her eyes for a moment until she feels the next contraction coming. She resumes her position, tucking her chin into her chest and grasping her legs as she pushes. She tries not to scream, instead focusing her attention and energy on what her body needed to do. Erin felt her body stretch further than she thought was possible and a deep tug within her, then nothing. The overwhelming pain was gone, and she leaned back into the couch, letting her legs fall outwards as her body finally relaxed. Jay focused on Natalie's words as she walked him through delivering the placenta. He used the kitchen scissors and bag seal clips to clamp and then cut the umbilical cord and the bulb syringe – that they had thankfully bought to keep in the nursery – to clean out the baby's nose and mouth.

"He's not …" Jay trailed off, not wanting to cause Erin panic as he looked at his phone. The baby looked frighteningly lifeless in his arms, eyes shut and body limp.

Natalie gave him a small smile, "It's okay. Just make a fist and rub his chest in tight circles. Gentle at first, if he doesn't respond be a little more forceful. Carefully, though."

Jay nodded and did as he was told, saying a silent prayer as he waited for his son to take in that first gulp of air.

"Come on baby, breathe." He muttered, pressing his hand a little more firmly against the baby's chest, "Come on."

Relief washed over him when he saw his little arm twitch, then his legs, before his mouth opened, and an ear-piercing cry echoed through the room. Jay let out a heavy breath, holding his son to his chest with one arm as he grabbed a baby blanket to wrap the newborn in.

November 3rd, 2019, at 11:38pm – their son had officially entered the world.

"You did it," Jay grinned brightly at Erin, scooting over to sit by her side, "He's here, Er."

"Is he okay?" She asks tiredly, turning over and leaning her head against his shoulder.

"He's perfect. Here." Jay placed the baby in Erin's arms as Everly came to sits on Jay's lap, letting him hold her tightly in his arms as she took in the happiness surrounding her family.

"He's so little." Everly says quietly, reaching out her hand to brush her finger against the baby's cheek, "He's soft, too."

Jay smiles, "He is, isn't he?"

"I like him." Everly suddenly says, "He looks like you, Dad."

Jay sucked in a sharp breath, feelings his eyes prick as he took in Everly's words. Dad. His heart swelled as he took in the sight before him, Erin holding the newest addition to their family as Jay looked down at the little girl in his arms; the one who made them parents.

His heart had never felt fuller than it did in this moment with his family. He was a dad, a dad of two now; it felt so surreal.

"Erin?" Natalie's voice pulled him out of his bubble of bliss, "Are you okay?"

Jay turned to look at Erin, her eyes drooping shut and head lulling forward. He noticed the baby slipping from her hold and quickly scooped him up out of her arms. Concern filled him as Erin didn't answer, a croaky sound from the back of her throat her only response. Jay got up and went to place the baby in the bassinet he had brought in from their bedroom, Evie's surprised yelp catching him off-guard. He turned around to see Erin's head in their daughter's lap, her body slack.

"Mama?" Evie cried, "Mama, wake up."

"Ev, go stand by the baby please." Jay says sternly, kneeling by Erin's side, "Ev, go on." He repeated when their daughter didn't move.

He held Erin's head as Evie scooted out from under her mother, sniffling as she stood beside her little brother.

"Natalie, she's bleeding." Jay suddenly says.

"Shit. Okay, Jay, you need to start uterine compressions …"

Evie let their voices fade away as Natalie started explaining to her dad how to help. Evie looked down at her baby brother. His face had started to go red, his lip wobbling and then he suddenly started to cry, as if sensing what was going on. As if he, too, could feel that they were losing Erin.

"Dad?" Evie calls out, looking at her father helplessly, "He-he's crying."

"Evie, do you think you can hold him?" Natalie's voice calls out from the phone, "I think he just wants someone to cuddle, and who better than his big sister?"

'Our mom', she wanted to say, but instead answered, "I-I think so."

She listened while Natalie told her how to pick up the baby, ensuring she cradled his head. The baby was heavier than she thought he'd be, and as she did her best to rock him in her arms his cries slowly started to subside.

"Ev, I need you to hold him tight, Will's coming. Wait in the kitchen, okay?" Jay said.

Tears stream down Evie's face as she watches Jay start to press his hands against Erin's stomach. There's so much blood. Her eyes are still half-open. Erin looks worse than her father did, Evie thinks.

"Everly, listen to me." Jay's voice cuts through the noise in her head, "I know it's scary, but I need you to be strong for your brother right now. Just wait in the kitchen with him and wait for Will to get here."

"I-I want to stay with you. Please."

"Ev, please. You don't need to see this." Jay looks up to meet her eyes, the two of them silently acknowledging the words he doesn't say.

"Dad…"

"Evie," Will's voice cuts through as he climbs back into the rig, sitting next to Natalie and taking the phone from her, "Your dad's right. We're almost there, maybe five minutes. I need you to go into the kitchen and sit down with your brother, alright? Can you do that for me?"

"I-I … okay." Evie sighs, slowly shuffling out of the room, her eyes on Erin the entire time.

"What the hell is happening?" Jay asks frantically as soon as his daughter is out of the room, "She was- she was fine!"

"Going off what your doctor was thinking, it's likely that Erin was suffering a placental abruption. The placenta started to separate from her uterus before Erin went into labor, so the placenta likely didn't deliver completely. It's causing her to haemorrhage because her uterus can't contract properly now – she's going to need to get to the hospital for surgery."

"Shouldn't I be doing CPR then?" Jay asks.

"No, Jay. Erin's still breathing, you checked that yourself. What this is doing is helping to slow down the bleeding, which we need to buy us enough time to get her back to the hospital. Trust me on this, okay? This is what Erin needs right now."

"Okay. Okay, just hurry please." Jay begs, his eyes not leaving Erin's as he continues to press against her abdomen.

"We're a few minutes away, hang tight." Will says.

"What do you remember most, in that moment?" Sara asks.

Erin shakes her head, "The last thing I remember was looking down at Andrew, then waking up in the hospital."

She looks to Jay, his eyes haunted by the memories. The feeling of her fingers interlacing with his pulls Jay back to the here and now, giving Erin a tight smile when she pulls their joined hands from his lap to rest in her own.

"I, um, I remember the blood. It was like it showed up out of nowhere, and what's ironic is Nat later told me that Erin hadn't bled that much. She was telling me how lucky we were that her bleeding hadn't been worse because Erin wouldn't have stood a chance then. And I remember in that moment just thinking how crazy it was that all that blood could be considered not so bad."

Jay takes a breath, glancing over at Erin as he says, "I remember Erin, how … hauntingly lifeless she looked. How quickly that tired, happy, smiling face disappeared. How close we came to-" He stops short, overwhelmed by the emotions bubbling up.

"You didn't lose me, Jay." Erin says softly, "I'm right here – I'm still here, because of you. I wouldn't have made it to the hospital if you hadn't been there, practically forcing my body to do what it needed to keep me alive."

"And I'm also the reason you ended up going into labour almost five weeks early." Jay counters, "I'm the one who put you at risk."

"Why do you think it's your fault, Jay," Sara asks, "Why do you keep trying to shoulder all the blame?"

"Because I deserve it."

"But you don't." Erin presses, "Babe, there was so much shit going on at the time. It was bound to happen, whether we had been arguing in that moment or not; I probably would've ended up in that position at some point. You can't keep blaming yourself for something you had no real control over."

"I just keep thinking that, maybe if I'd been around more-"

"You can't know that for sure. And if that's the blame game that we're playing then it's just as much my fault as it is yours. I could've told you at any time that I needed help, that I wanted you home, but I didn't. We weren't communicating well at the time, and we were dealing with so much. It was a shitty situation we were in, but nothing was going to really change it because there was just too much influencing us that we didn't have any sway over."

"Erin makes a valid point, Jay." Sara adds, "It's hard to know whether something you did or didn't do would've changed the outcome of your situation; it's easy to blame ourselves for things, but it's also important that we learn to forgive ourselves when things are out of our control. And to learn from the actions that we regret taking."

"I don't think that I did though," Jay says softly, "I mean, look at the point our relationship has gotten to. Did I really learn from anything that happened that night? I almost love the love of my life, and I spent sixteen hours praying to a God I wasn't even sure existed, bargaining with him; begging him to let her live and promising that I would be a better husband, a better father, that I would be around more. But I wasn't, was I?"

He directs the last question to Erin, and when she struggles to say anything to the contrary, Jay knows he's right.

"It doesn't mean that this is all on you." She says, "I carry responsibility for the way we broke each other. And it doesn't mean you're a bad father, or husband. Yeah, there's times that you could've been around more, but there's times that I should've said something about it too. You're not a mind-reader – I can't just expect you to know there's a problem if I don't tell you as such."

Neither of them knows what to say to that. Jay knows she has a point, but Erin knows she can't refute what Jay has said either.

"… So, what happened when Will and Natalie arrived?" Sara asks, deciding to push the conversation along.

The flashing lights flooding into his living room and the sound or sirens has never made Jay feel so relieved in his life. Will and Natalie burst through the door moments later, Natalie immediately coming to Jay's side while his brother tends to the children.

"We need to get her to the hospital." Natalie says, grabbing gauze to try and manage the bleeding.

"Is she going to be okay?" Jay asks.

"Baker," Natalie addresses the paramedic, "we need to transport go, now."

The paramedics step in and get Erin onto the stretcher, Natalie keeping her hands over Erin's abdomen the entire time, "Will!" she calls out.

"Go, I got them." Will calls from the kitchen.

"Natalie!" Jay grabs onto her arm, stopping them all, "Is she going to be okay?"

"I can't make any promises other than to do my absolute best. Will's going to drive you guys there, but you need to let us go so we can get her to the hospital. Now, Jay."

Jay nods and drops his arm, watching them transport Erin out of the house and into the ambulance. Once he sees the vehicle drive off, he walks into the kitchen.

"Dad!" Evie yells, rushing to Jay's side.

"Hi, Peanut." Jay scoops her up and holds his daughter tight in his arms, breathing in the smell of her lavender kids body wash and letting it settle his racing heart.

"You were so brave, Ev. I'm so proud of you."

"Where's mama?" Evie asks.

"She's on her way to the hospital," Evie's eyes widen at that, "She has to have surgery."

"We gotta go." Evie says, trying to squirm out of Jay's arms.

"We will," Jay says, tightening his hold on his daughter, "How's the little guy doing?"

Will smiles up at his brother and niece, nodding as he explains, "He seems pretty fit for a baby born five weeks early. His breathing's a bit shallow – we'll need to check him out at the hospital. Might have to stay a couple nights."

Jay sucked in a sharp breath. Erin was already on her way to the hospital, condition unknown, and now Will was telling him there might be something wrong with their son. He wasn't sure how many more hits he could take tonight.

"Let's go, then." Jay says, grabbing his keys, a pair of Evie's shoes and the hospital bag they had packed and kept next to the front door.

Will kept the baby in his arms in the back seat while Jay drove, having assured his brother that he was able to, so long as Will made sure his son was still alive by the time they reached the hospital. The storm had started to lighten, the wind dying down and leaving heavy rain its wake. Jay kept glancing back in the mirror at every opportunity, watching Will use an infant's bag valve mask to help his son get some more air into his little lungs, then to Evie who sat on the other side with her back against the door and her eyes frighteningly focused on Will and her baby brother.

Jay's heart shattered as he took in his daughter. Evie had suffered so much loss already – had already lost one mother before – and now she was back here again. All Jay wanted to do was hold her and promise her that everything would be okay, but he knew that Erin and their son's safety and good health was something he couldn't guarantee right now. And unfortunately, Evie had already realised this as well.

They sit in silence then, hand in hand, staring at their therapist silently asking where they go from here.

"Well, we've done a lot of work today." Sara starts, "I don't want to push you to relive more of what happened right now, since we're almost out of time. I think you could both use a moment to decompress anyways."

Both Jay and Erin nod gratefully and Sara smiles, "From what I can see, you both have your own burdens you've been carrying, surrounding this time in your lives. I'm curious, Jay, why Bunny is such a trigger point for you?"

Jay steels himself, "I've said before, she was not a healthy influence in Erin's life. I didn't want to see Erin get hurt by her again."

"I understand that, but why is it that the mere mention of her name has your entire body tensing the way it does?" Sara looks him over, "What is it about her that made you so unwilling to listen to your wife's point-of-view regarding her own mother. Why were you so against Erin having any relationship with her, even if it was for the purposes of her finding closure?"

"I … I don't know." Jay frowns and looks to Erin, "I don't know."

"How about you, Erin? Can you maybe tell us what about Bunny's death made you so angry with Jay?"

A rattling breath makes its way from Erin. She stares straight ahead, the night she got the call from the Warden to inform her of Bunny's untimely death. She remembers the fire in her belly, the anger and fierce protective streak that fizzled out the moment she heard the words. She remembers even clearer, the feeling that settled in her chest at the realisation that her mother would never be in her life again. The feelings she was still struggling to admit to herself, let alone to Jay or Sara.

"It wasn't anger, it … it was … it was …" Erin sighs and shakes her head, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just can't. It won't …"

"It's okay." Sara interrupts her, smiling reassuringly at Erin, "It can be hard to address such big feelings in the moment. I think, what's best for you two to do right now, is to pause and think about what I've asked you and try to write down some of your thoughts. And if you feel comfortable doing so, then I'd like you to either tell the other what you've written down or swap journals and let the other person read it for themselves."

"Read the whole journal?" Jay asks, evidently nervous.

"No, just your thoughts on what I've asked you today. I want you two to be able to come into next session having already had some form of discussion about everything, so that you're able to hear each other a bit more instead of just talking at one another. I believe, that with a better understanding of what the other person was feeling at the time, we'll be able to strengthen your communication and hopefully avoid an argument like the last time we tried this."

They both agree and Sara makes a note in her book of what she's asked of them and summarises what they've discussed. She watches the two of them for a minute, observing how content they seem even when they're visibly shaken after having to relive one of the hardest nights of their life together. It's evident that they rely on each other, that they fortify one another in moments like this; it's what gives Sara the hope that they will be one of the couples that make it through to the other side still intact.

November 2019

Dr Goodwin, Maggie, and Natalie were all waiting for them when they pulled up to the entrance of Gaffney Chicago Medical Hospital.

"Why aren't you with Erin?" Jay asks Natalie as soon as they get out of the car.

"Doctor Greene took over as soon as we admitted her. She's taken Erin up to surgery, and I'm here to check on the baby." Natalie explains as Will passes the infant over to her.

"We need to check his lungs; his breathing seems constricted." Natalie nods and takes the baby to an exam room.

"How's Erin?" Jay asks, immediately following Dr Goodwin until Evie's hand tugs his.

"Where are you going?" Evie asks, panicked, "Do-don't leave."

Jay looks to his brother, who nods and stands behind Evie, "I'm not leaving, Evie. I'm just going to talk to Dr Goodwin and find out how Mama's doing. Do you think you can hang out with Uncle Will for a few minutes?"

"We'll just be over here, outside your brother's exam room, Everly," Dr Goodwin says, "You'll be able to see us from the staff lounge."

Everly looks uncertainly between the adults but allows Will to take her hand and guide her into the staff lounge room. She watches her dad as he talks to the doctors. His hand comes to cover his face after a few minutes, and Dr Goodwin's hand rests on his shoulder; Evie assumes she's trying to reassure him. It's the same thing the lady from DCFS did when she was taken to the hospital with her birth father.

"Ev?" Will calls softly, not wanting to startle her, "Come sit down for a minute. You must be pretty tired."

Evie shakes her head, walking over and sitting down next to her uncle.

"Is my mama dead?" Everly asks, catching Will off guard.

"What? No, no, sweetheart, she's not dead." he urges.

"But she could die."

"She … yes, she could." Will relents, "She's having surgery right now, and the doctors are pretty confident that she'll be okay, though."

Everly nods, her eyes still firmly glued to her father standing a few feet outside the door.

"When my mommy died, my daddy couldn't live without her. He was too sad, that's what my grandma said. That's why he died too. There was blood all around him, just like today." Evie sniffles, looking up at Will as she says, "I don't want to lose my parents again."

The tears spring from her eyes and Evie starts to sob, leaning her head against Will's chest as he pulls the little girl into his lap and rocks her back and forth.

"We're gonna do everything we can to make sure that doesn't happen, Ev. I promise."

2023

As soon as Erin and Jay walk through the front door of their house, they're greeted by Andrew, Lily and Jack running around their living room with foam swords; Adam follows closely behind.

"Hey, look who's here!" Adam greets, his words catching the kids' attention.

Andrew's smile widens as he runs towards his parents, giggling when Erin opens her arms and lifts him up off the ground. She kisses all over his face, making him laugh harder, and then Jay pokes his side making Andrew squirms.

"Daddy, no tickles please!" Andrew says.

"Aw, man, tickles are my favourite." Jay faux pouts which makes Andrew laugh harder.

"Lily and Jack and Adam and me are playing right now, but maybe later we can do tickles." Andrew offers.

"That sounds like a plan, bud." Jay smiles, "Where's Ev?"

"She and Aunt Kimmy are in the backyard!" Lily calls out as she stabs her brother with the foam sword.

"Lils, no hits to the face remember? Your mom's gonna kill me if there's another eye-gouging."

Erin rolls her eyes at Adam, following Jay out to the backyard. Evie and Kim are laid out on the patio chairs while Evie reads.

"Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to." Evie reads to her godmother, Kim watching her with a smile on her face.

"Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement." Jay continues.

Evie startles and turns to see her father, looking back down at her page to finish the sentence he had spoken, "And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

Jay's smile widens. Catcher in the Rye had been one of his favourite books in high school. When his daughter had told him that was the book they had been assigned for this semester, he was excited to discuss it with her; Evie's range of reading was far greater than Jay's had been at her age, and he was looking forward to discussing a book he knew well with his daughter. He loved how she spoke about every book she read; how passionate she was when explaining her understanding of the topic – Evie reminded him a lot of Erin in that shared way.

"Hi, Peanut." Jay said when he reached her, Evie leaning against him as he stood beside her.

Jay squeezed his daughter's shoulder while Erin sat down by Evie's outstretched legs, taking one of her daughter's hands in hers. Evie looked between both of her parents, a concerned look crossing her face.

"Is everything okay?" she asks.

Erin and Jay both nod, "We just missed you both." Erin offered.

Everly accepted her parents' explanation, though she still seemed hesitant of their behaviour. They sat together for a little while, Evie reading aloud as Jay, Kim and Erin listened. Once she'd finished the required chapters, Evie left the adults to sit together while she went upstairs to finish the other homework she had. Adam joined them soon after, their three younger children running around in the backyard.

Erin leans against Jay, her head on his shoulder and Jay moves to wrap an arm around her shoulders so she's leaning against his chest instead. Today was tough, reliving those memories was difficult, even though they knew it all ended up being okay. Erin and Andrew were both living proof that the situation had a happy ending. But remembering just how close they came to losing everything, made them both that much more grateful to still be here; to have a family left to fight for.

Spending the evening with their children is a much-needed comfort. They'd decided on an easy night and ordered pizza for dinner. Erin and Drew spend time in the kitchen, the little boy having fun making ice cream sundaes while Jay and Evie hang out in the living room and discuss Catcher in the Rye. Jay sits on the floor, leaning against the couch and occasionally glances over at Erin and Andrew. He loves watching his son and wife together - the bond Erin has with their children is a sight to behold, and he can't help but question how many times he's forgotten to recognise that. He's let so many things slide in recent years.

He resolves to talk to her about that tonight. They agreed on the drive home that they would wait a day or two before continuing the discussion from today's session. They both needed a bit of time to breathe and let their emotions settle back down before they tried to go over everything once again. It was a time in their life they didn't talk about much, mostly because of how traumatic it was for all four of them. But Jay has things he's been needing to discuss with her for a few weeks now, and since he's finally gotten things sorted, he wants to talk to her about it all. He just hopes that her reaction will be a positive one.

"Daddy! Ev! Dessert!" Andrew yells, running into the room with two plastic bowls in his hand.

Everly smiles when her brother passes her the bowls, boosting himself up onto the couch next to her before taking one of the ice cream bowls back from her. Evie thanks him, bopping Andrew's nose with her finger and making him scrunch his face and laugh. Erin walks in slower, admiring the view of the three people she loves the most in this world. Days like today are a sobering reminder of just how much she must value in her life – and a painful reminder of just how close she came to fucking it all up after that.

Erin dismisses the thought as quickly as it enters her head. She didn't want to focus on that right now. Now, all she wanted was to enjoy having her family with her. She gives Jay a bowl, sitting down next to him on the floor.

"Where's yours?" Jay asks, noticing Erin's lack of ice cream.

Erin shrugs, "Not hungry." she simply says.

Jay shakes his head, mouth full as he digs his spoon back into the mint choc chip ice cream in his bowl. He lifts it up to Erin, holding it in front of her in offering.

"Jay, I'm okay, really." Erin says.

"Come on, it's so good," Jay says, moving the spoon around in the same way he does when he makes an aeroplane to feed Andrew.

Erin cracks a smile at his antics. She really wasn't hungry, but the playfulness of her husband is too much to resist, and she doesn't want to reject his silly-sweet gesture. She indulges Jay, opening her mouth and letting him feed her a spoonful of ice cream as he makes the same aeroplane noises he does with their son. Erin rolls her eyes when she hears Andrew say "landing!", Jay and the kids bursting out in laughter.

When Erin comes back downstairs that night, Jay is standing in front of the sliding glass doors that lead out to their backyard. The moon is high in the sky, illuminating the room in soft light. Erin watches him for a moment, taking him in; it seems like Jay has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

She walks quietly up to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind. Jay startles and tenses for a moment, relaxing when Erin kisses his shoulder.

"It's been quite the day, huh?" Erin says.

Jay chuckles softly, "Understatement of the year, I think."

"It's late," Erin says taking Jay's hand in hers, "We should get some rest."

Jay lets Erin turn him around, his eyes settling on her as she guides him upstairs; their hands intertwined the whole way. They get into bed quietly and Jay turns into Erin, resting his head atop her chest. His moves surprise her, but Erin welcomes it, nonetheless. The arm trapped under him strokes his back while her free hand combs through his hair in a soothing routine.

"Are you okay?" she whispers.

"Yeah. Today was just, um, heavier than I was expecting." He answers.

"It was a lot." Erin agrees, "I meant what I said though, Jay. What happened that night wasn't your fault."

"Erin." Jay says, his tone warning her.

"I know. We're not discussing it right now, I know. But I need you to hear me when I say that, okay? I don't blame you; I never have. And I really hope one day soon you'll stop blaming yourself." She kisses the top of his head, not expecting him to respond. She's okay with that, so long as he hears her out; she doesn't expect Jay to promise her he'll do something that he's not sure he can.

"I wanna show you something," Jay says after a few minutes.

The bedside lamp flickers on and Erin looks at her husband confused. Jay sits up against the headboard and Erin does the same, leaning on her side so she's facing him. Jay opens the drawer of his bedside table and pulls out a folder, holding it tightly on his lap as he explains.

"When you were in the hospital, I remember going to the chapel." He starts, "I don't know how I got there. Will had taken Evie home with him and I was alone, wandering the hallways and suddenly I was standing in the doorway looking at the altar. I remember feeling so desperate, praying to a God I wasn't even sure existed," He let out a hollow laugh, "I mean, mom took us to Church every Sunday but after everything I'd seen, everyone I'd lost … it didn't really feel like something worth believing in."

Erin squeezes his thigh, leaving her hand to rest there and comfort him as he says, "I begged him not to take you. I promised I would be better. That I would be the husband you deserve, that I would fix things between us. I would do whatever he wanted if it meant that we didn't lose you." Jay looks at Erin, a sad smile on his face, "I didn't lose you, but I didn't really do what I had said either. I haven't always been the husband you deserved."

"And I haven't always been the wife that you deserved." Erin argues, "We've both made mistakes, Jay."

"I know that, but lately it's felt different. I guess, talking about it all with Sara, and our friends, and really listening to what you were feeling in those moments … it really hit me, that I didn't always take the time to make us a priority. I did my best to spend time with Everly and Andrew, but even then, I didn't prioritise us as partners or our family when I should have. I haven't always shown up for you and the kids, and I realise that even though you always understood; it didn't mean that it was fair of me to keep doing that. I let you pick up the slack for me, cover for me with the kids-"

"It's not like you were out partying or something, Jay. You were working, and the work that Intelligence does is important. No one understands that better than I do."

"Evie said the same thing," Jay nods, "but that doesn't make it right. I mean, there were plenty of times that I could have come home, and instead I chose to keep working. And I think that's where a lot of my guilt comes from too – why I feel the need to carry so much of the blame. I haven't kept all the promises that I made to you, and to our children; I've let you all down so many times, without meaning to. And I may not have lost you that day, but my actions are why I nearly lost you after that."

"That … that's not-" Erin trails off, taken aback by the way this conversation has turned. What happened with Peter was not Jay's fault. She wouldn't allow him to take the blame for her actions.

"I'm the one who misled him, that was not because of anything you did."

"You grew close to him because you felt distant from me." Jay says.

"Maybe so, but it doesn't change the facts of what happened. My actions and my behaviour are my burden to bear, not yours."

"I get that, I do, but I've been thinking more about it lately … about him." Jay says softly, "And I can see my part in all of it a bit more clearly these days."

"I'm confused," Erin shakes her head, "What does any of that have to do with the guilt you're carrying over the night of Andrew's birth?"

Jay shrugs, "I guess it doesn't really have anything to do with that specifically. It's just to say that I was so blinded by my own anger over the whole situation. All I wanted to do was ignore it, to not let any of it in because it was easier to pretend that it was nothing than to confront the fact that we were having such massive problems in our marriage. And now that we've started to talk through it all, it's made me look at my own shortfalls, before … Peter came into the picture."

Erin watches Jay closes his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath as if just saying the man's name caused him great pain. It pains her to see him struggle to address the situation, even so briefly, after all this time. It's an agonising reminder of how much she hurt him, too.

"I spent so long being angry with you over all of that and holding onto that anger made me feel … justified, in distancing myself from our family. In prioritising work and spending time with just the kids. In neglecting our marriage when I should've been doing everything I could to fix it. I didn't see how ignoring you and our problems made things worse for our family, too. I pulled back from all of you because I didn't want to feel."

"You were trying to protect yourself. Your heart." Erin says.

"But it wasn't fair to any one of us to do that." Jay sighs, "Like you said, there's a lot of blame that I'm carrying around, not just over what happened the night of Andrew's birth, but after that as well." He hands the folder over to Erin, "And I guess, this is a way for me to try and start to make up for that. To show you that I am serious about learning from my shortcomings, as a parent and a husband."

Erin moves hesitantly, taking the folder from Jay and slowly opening it. Jay watches her intently as her face scrunches, brows furrowed in confusion, before she looks up at him and asks, "Disneyland?"

"Oh, It's just an idea. But I spoke with Antonio a few weeks ago, and we came up with a schedule, kind of, so that I can make sure I'm out of the office at a reasonable time and that the paperwork and everything else is delegated more evenly across him and I, and the rest of the team where possible. And he's going to help run things for me for a week over the school holidays so that we can all go on a family vacation."

Erin looks up at Jay, tears brimming her eyes as she asks him, "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Jay smiles, "I've been telling you for so long that we would go on a family trip once work settles down, but who are we kidding? Intelligence is not that kind of job that ever settles down," they both laugh, "But Antonio's confident in looking after things for me so that we can all have some real, quality time together. I thought Disneyland would be a cool thing to do since it'll be near Drew's birthday, and you never got to go as a kid either so I thought it would be a fun thing for everyone to experience together. I figured by the time we go, we'll be in a better place in our relationship too – I think we'll be able to handle a week away as a family, right? And I know it's not going to make up for everything-"

"No, it's-it's wonderful, Jay. I appreciate this, so much." Erin leans over and gives him a quick, gentle kiss, "It means a lot, how much effort you've put into this."

Jay smiles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as he tries to play it off. He wants to be better at the romantic gestures, at showing his love for Erin and for their family, but it's not a flip he can just switch inside of him. As happy as he is to see Erin happy about what he's tried to plan, he's still not used to being praised so lovingly; it's something he hasn't experienced much throughout his life, but it still means a lot to him, coming from Erin.

They lay back down in bed, Jay turning off the light and holding Erin in his arms as they make plans for what they could do over the week of Andrew's birthday, which falls just shy of two months from now. They fall asleep somewhere through the conversation, wrapped up in one another – they rest comfortably, feeling safer in one another's arms than they have in a while. Their relationship was still a work in progress, was still fractured; but it no longer felt beyond repair. It would take time, communication, support, and belief in one another but Jay and Erin both felt confident they would get there. They just had to keep taking it one step at a time, hand-in-hand, just as they have been.

A/N: So I'm not too confident in the ending of this chapter, it feels a bit overly cheesy but I feel like after all the drama they've been talking through lately, they deserved a little bit of light heartedness mixed in!

I hope Erin's birth story lived up to the expectations! There's still a bit more to dive into next chapter but I really wanted to get most of it written into this chapter because Andrew's birth and afterwards is a big part of where their relationship starts to really struggle. I'm so excited, and nervous, for you all to see what's coming – I know this chapter might feel a bit one sided in terms of Jay feeling like a lot of the blame is on him, but as Erin said in this chapter she knows where her faults lie in their history and we're going to start exploring that more soon as well.

Please leave a review and let me know what you thought! Until next time :)