The second Christmas separated from William, Scully is feeling the weight of the sadness that will never fully dissipate.
December 25, 2003
The sun warmed Scully as she dug her toes into the equally warm sand. Laughing bitterly, as she choked down another sob, she thought briefly of how ironic it was to be sitting on a beach, in a bikini, on Christmas Day.
Last year, the day had been spent in a cabin with snow falling around them. It had been a hard day, her thoughts focusing on William as they did most days.
Was he happy? Did he ever think of her, wondering where she was? Did he cry for her, a cry his new family did not know how to soothe, his sadness deep and confusing?
Did he even remember her?
She had stayed in bed that day, as she had a few times over the past few months, her guilt and sadness hitting her as though she had run into a wall. She had not been able to speak without weeping, Mulder lying beside her and whispering apologies and love, holding her as she had cried.
The day had passed and though they never really spoke of it, the memories of the sadness it held did not completely leave them. They had continued to move from place to place across the country, staying hidden and away from others, some days better than others.
When the weather began to change, fall presenting its colors, and then Christmas decorations started to appear, Mulder had pointed the car west, smiling at her as he reached for her hand.
"No snow this year, Scully. If I never shovel a driveway clear again, I could die an extremely happy man," he had said and she laughed, thinking of the last year and hoping the warmth of the sun would be better for her psyche.
Arriving in San Diego, she had donned a shoulder length black wig and taken one of the fake ID's Mulder had the foresight to ask the Gunmen to make for them years before, and walked into a rental office, inquiring after places available to rent on a semi-long term basis. Pictures had been shown to her on a computer, and she had picked the one closest to the beach, paying with a cashier's check from the account of her false identity, Rosalind Murphy.
A cute one bedroom bungalow, minimally furnished and decorated in beach decor, had been what she picked. Airy and bright, it would be perfect for a couple of months, letting them feel a sense of normalcy.
Mulder went for a run every morning and sometimes she joined him. Other times she slept in, waiting for him to return and shower before coming back to bed, smelling so delicious, it often led to the shower being used again before they left the house.
They went for walks along the beach where they collected rocks, sea glass and shells that struck their fancy, bringing them back and setting them into a large blue bowl with waves painted near the top.
A shed on the back patio of the bungalow, held many types of beach items: chairs, umbrellas, sand toys, boogie boards, and a couple of old surfboards. Sitting out on the porch one warm evening, Mulder announced that he was going to teach himself how to surf, it being something he had always wanted to try. She nodded, somehow finding that idea not odd in the slightest.
But although the weather was warm, the water was cold and he did not have a wetsuit. As a result, uncertainty was etched on his face as he looked back at her while she watched him from the shore. She smiled encouragingly at him, just as a wave hit him and he jumped back with a shiver. Shaking his head, he ran headlong into the water, holding tightly to the surfboard, shouting about the temperature as she laughed.
Riding over the swells and past the breakers, he waved to her, sitting on the board and pushing his hair out of eyes. Waving back from beneath her large floppy sun hat, she smiled watching and waiting to see how he would fair.
He caught on and got it a few times, coming back to shore soaking wet and shivering, laying the surfboard in the sand and grinning like a fool. Wrapping up with a towel, he sat on the surfboard telling her how much fun it had been and he could show her how to do it. Laughing, she shook her head, claiming she was just fine experiencing it vicariously.
Over the next couple of days, he went out again, determined to become better. As she watched him, her thoughts wandered, knowing that the wind and dry air could explain away her red eyes if he were to question her.
Only when she was sitting on the shore, did she allow the thoughts of William to truly overwhelm her. As though the feel of sand, the call of the seagulls, and the crash of the waves were saved for him.
She always found peace and calm while at the beach, the rhythmic waves bringing it in like a continuous gift. When she had decisions to make in her life, especially when she had been younger, she would sit on the beach when she was able to do so, thinking and waiting to find her answers.
Waking up on Christmas morning, thoughts of William once again weighed on her mind. At two and a half, he would be more aware this year, finding interest in the holiday. He would delight in gifts and those around him, laughing happily as he took it all in.
Needing to get out of the house, feeling she would burst if she stayed, she left a note for Mulder, who was out for a run, and quickly got dressed. She grabbed her bag and headed to the beach, needing to find calm in the crash of the waves.
From the moment she stepped onto the sand, the tears clogged up her throat. She tried like hell to hold them back, walking past the few people who were also on the beach, needing to be as alone as possible.
Finding a spot, she got as far as laying down a towel, before dropping to her knees and crying. Hot tears ran down her face as she gave up the fight, bending forward and letting the sobs shake her body.
She had idea how long she sat there, only that the sun had warmed her enough to need to remove the shirt she wore, leaving her sitting on the towel in her bikini as she stared at the water.
"Shit," she whispered, wiping her eyes under the dark sunglasses she wore. Shaking her head, she exhaled a breath and drew her knees close to her body, wrapping her arms around them.
"Hey."
Turning her head in surprise, not hearing anyone approaching, she looked at Mulder as he knelt down beside her.
"Oh, Scully," he whispered, staring at her with a soft sigh.
Pushing her sunglasses up to rest on top of her head, he gently wiped away her tears and kissed her eyelids, which caused her tears to fall once again. He pulled her to him and murmured as she cried into his neck, her arms wrapping around him.
His skin was warm from his walk and he smelled of a combination of his soap and sunscreen, which she found incredibly soothing. He hummed as she cried, running his fingers through her hair and scratching gently across her lower back.
When she was able, she pulled back and shook her head.
"I'm sorry," she said, wiping her eyes.
"No. Please don't apologize," he said softly, sitting cross legged in the sand beside her. "It's better to talk and let it out than keep it in as it seems you have been doing."
"I just… different days hit me harder," she said, putting her sunglasses back on, the sun too bright, and looking down.
"I know. And I know there will never be a day when you've moved past those days, nor should there be. All I ask is that you talk to me, don't hold it inside where it's hurting you."
"I can't… you don't…" she said, biting her bottom lip and shaking her head.
"No, I know it's not the same. I do."
"I hate that it is. I feel like there's a… a wall between us. Something I can't express to you as you don't know… and it kills me." She cried again, covering her mouth. He put his hand on her knee and she gripped it with her other hand.
"I wish I had been there, Scully, I do."
"It would have been different," she whispered and he squeezed her hand in acknowledgment.
"He's safe because of you. Because of your sacrifice. You did what you had to… I…" She looked up as his voice broke and she moved quickly to wrap her arms around his neck, now kneeling in front of him, before he pulled her into his lap, holding her tightly.
They cried together as the waves crashed and the warm morning wind blew. She whispered her love for him, that she had never blamed him, and how much she had missed him when he had been gone and that decision had to be made.
Their tears subsided, his grip slackened and she pulled back to look at him, pushing her sunglasses onto her head. Wiping his tears, she kissed his eyelids just as he had done to her. He exhaled a hum, opening his eyes to stare at her with a slight shake of his head.
"I love you," she whispered and then kissed him gently, scratching at the base of his neck.
"Get a room!" a voice shouted, laughing along with a couple of other voices.
Scully looked up and shook her head as a threesome of boys walked by, pushing each and laughing as they looked back at her.
"To be fair, it does look rather promiscuous," Mulder said and she looked back at him, his smile bringing on a small one of her own.
"I suppose it does," she whispered and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, leaning forward to kiss her softly.
They stood up, brushing the sand from their bodies. Pulling her to him once more, he held her, the beating of his heart calming her.
"How about a walk?" he asked and she nodded against his chest. "Did you put sunscreen on before you left?"
"No," she whispered and he hummed, rubbing her back gently.
Pulling back, he smiled and bent to pick up her coverup, one of his button down shirts, and helped her slide it on, buttoning the two middle buttons and leaving the others open.
"I love you," he whispered, kissing her lips softly before taking her hand and heading down to the water.
They walked through the wet sand, the water crashing around their ankles, not speaking much, but feeling peaceful with the honesty and pain they had shared.
"Look at that," he said quietly, breaking the silence, and pointed down to a substantial piece of bright blue sea glass. Picking it up, he showed it to her, then held it near her face. "It matches your eyes. That's crazy."
She took it from him and rubbed her fingers over the impossibly smooth edges that had been created as it tumbled in the ocean with millions of rocks.
"And like William's eyes," she said softly, almost to herself, and he nodded.
"Oh. Look there's another one. That's odd," he said, stepping past her and picking up another one from amongst the hundreds of rocks lying on the beach. Handing it to her, she heard him let out a breath of disbelief. "Scully… look." She looked where he was pointing and she gasped as she walked forward.
As if someone had tossed them, leaving them there to be found like a shiny bread crumb trail, the rocks were littered with pieces of sparkling blue sea glass. Large and smaller pieces lay nestled, as though waiting to be found. Every piece they picked up, they exclaimed over the color and the impossibility of finding them that way.
The bowl back at the house held pieces of sea glass in green, white, clear, and brown. Never had they found any blue pieces and now it lay in front of them in abundance.
It has to be a sign, she thought, still holding the first one he had found and shaking her head, feeling it had to have a meaning.
"I think it's a sign," Mulder said as though he could read her mind.
She whipped her head to stare at him, her heart racing, as she watched him place the last piece into his pocket.
"What do you mean?" she asked, needing to hear him say it, to confirm what she was thinking.
"It'll sound crazy…"
"Since when has that stopped you?" she prompted, staring at him and waiting. He smiled and looked down at the piece she held in her hand.
"I think it's a sign to let you… let us know that he's okay. The exact shade of your eyes, Scully? Of his? That can't be a coincidence."
"I know you're going to get a lot of satisfaction out of hearing this… but, I think you're right," she said and he smiled with a nod. "We haven't found any of this color and today we do? I…"
"I know. It has to mean something."
"He's okay," she whispered and he nodded, reaching for her hand and she grasped it.
"I don't think it happened to be right here for any other reason, Scully. The universe is reaching out to you." He smiled and she squeezed his hand.
"To us," she said softly and he nodded.
"To us."
Their pockets and hearts full, they walked hand-in-hand, back to gather her things.
At the house, they took out all the pieces, examining them as they shook their heads and once again discussing the spooky coincidence.
Later that evening, after a day spent being lazy and even napping in the afternoon sunshine on the lounges on the back patio, they found a restaurant that was open and busy on Christmas night. The waiters wore Santa hats and jingle bells around their necks, laughing and smiling as they served the crowd of what looked like mostly young people, most likely with nowhere or no means to go anywhere for the holiday.
It was a fun dinner and helped to lift her spirits, Mulder's eyes flicking to her many times as they ate, checking in to see how she was feeling. Taking his hand under the table, she squeezed it and nodded, letting him know she was okay.
They took a walk to see the neighborhood lights after they finished their meal, taking their time, not saying much as they did.
Chilled, she took a long bath once they were back, Mulder bringing her a glass of wine and giving her a kiss before walking out of the bathroom.
He was in bed and nearly asleep when she came into the room. Dressing quietly, she went into the kitchen to get a glass of water before joining him in bed, the long day taking its toll.
The pieces of blue sea glass still lay on the table, and she smiled when she saw them. But then she frowned as she saw they looked different than when they had left them earlier. With a slight frown, she approached the table and then smiled with tears in her eyes.
A large heart had been made with the pieces, and a smaller one lay inside of it. She touched it with a sigh of happiness, knowing Mulder must have made it while she was in the bath. Such a kind and caring man.
"Merry Christmas, William. Thank you for letting us know you're okay. I love you so much," she whispered, kissing the tips of her fingers and touching the sea glass once more.
Filling a glass with water, she went back to the bedroom.
Getting into bed, she snuggled into Mulder's side. She whispered her thanks to him and he hummed, kissed her head and fell to sleep. She breathed deeply, sending up a prayer of thanks and also one for William's continued protection, before drifting off to sleep.
Her dreams that night were full of brilliant shades of blue and the sound of William's laughter carrying over the sound of waves crashing on the beach.