{Chapter}
~Liberty Point of View~
My heart was already aching as I walked towards Virginia's home recalling the look of pain on Edward's face. Alice was not too happy at the moment, already seeing that there was nothing that could stop me from leaving. I felt heavy with sadness as I set about packing a small bag for the road as I waited for Virginia to get home. There was a large possibility that she wouldn't under my need to leave.
I wasn't going to pretend that this was the first time I had done this. I need space to gather my thoughts, putting distance between those that made them confused in the first place. I honestly didn't know how long or if I would find my center again. Sometimes it was easy and other times it took months for me to remember to breathe properly and get some rest in the dark. I normally had the one person I could trust at my side. I had someone that knew everything about me to bounce thoughts off of.
"You are leaving?" Virginia's voiced drawing my attention
"I have to" I stated with a stern nod as she frowned deeply "You are well aware that something is wrong with me. I need to get a handle on that, and I cannot do that here. I can't do it in a place that doesn't always seem real to me yet"
"I guess that I can understand that" Virginia said taking a seat across from me "You have been through quite a lot in these last few months. If this is what you need to do, then I shall support your decision. I will speak with the school and tell them you will be out far longer than expected."
"I really appreciate that, really" I gratefully replied taking a relieved breathe "I don't know how long this will take"
"But you will return?" She questioned and I nodded in confirmation "I will expect you to keep in touch, at least once a day to let me know that you are well enough and not in immediate danger"
"I don't see a problem with that" I stated honestly "You are accepting this far easier than the Cullens did"
"Edward wouldn't like this even if yesterday hadn't occurred the way it had, he loves you and holds you dear to him. I doubt that he would ever be truly okay with you leaving and him staying" Virginia said in amusement as I flinched "Would you like to explain what is causing your reaction?"
"Edward told me earlier about loving me" I explained still feeling torn over the information "I know logically that this is entirely different from my world, but according to the stories in my world not only do I not exist here but he falls in love with Bella. I feel like I am unworthy of her losing her love and him have a relationship that in this story made him incredibly happy"
"Our very nature is to balance and change" She whispered as I bit my lip "Perhaps, the knowledge provided to you was to show you what would occur without your influence but in this reality, it is your destiny to stand with them. That in this reality, you are met to be with Edward."
"I have thought about it" I stated honestly "That this reality is completely different but that accident that still occurred was in the story as well. I don't know how to feel about it, even without all of that I still have some very unhealthy viewpoints on romantic relations and have little understanding on the concepts of love"
"I suspected that your life has been far darker than the one she lived" Virginia whispered looking ready to tear up "But you are here because you deserve a chance at happiness. Do let the fear and pain of your past, keep you from living the life you were meant to live"
"I will try to keep that in mind, it is a little much to accept at the moment" I stated honestly "I will keep you updated daily"
"Stay safe and remember that I am here anytime you need anything, Liberty" She whispered as I nodded leaning to kiss her cheek
"Tried not to worry too much, I will be fine" I said hoping that it was the truth
"I always worry about you" She said softly as I smiled slightly picking up my bag to head out
~Time Lapse
I didn't have any direction in mind when I began driving. I took things slow over the next few days, allowing me to rest when needed and eat on a regular basis as promised. It wasn't until I started recognizing the path leading to my home state that I knew here my mind was leading me. I hated that immediate panic that I felt at the thought. I knew now exactly where I needed to go, I needed to head back to the one place I wanted nothing to do with.
I knew that into to face that place that there was only one thing that could give me enough strength to even continue the drive towards that town. I had to see for my own eyes the one person that survived and lived through it, unmarred and innocent unlike myself.
~Time Lapse
I knew that it was slightly creepy waiting in the shadows of the high school. I just could not help myself, if I were going to be in this state it made sense to stop here. Now, I just needed to remain calm and try not to overreact seeing students exiting the school. It wasn't long before I saw both of them walking out the school, laughing and happy. I felt immediately relief seeing the twins, the girls that were my stepsisters. I felt overwhelmed seeing Kelly walking the path, years younger and with her whole life ahead of her.
I wanted to walk up to her and talk to her. I wanted to hug her and let her know that I was okay. I wanted to know what was amusing her. But I knew I couldn't do any of that, she didn't even know who I was. I hated it, the torn feeling at seeing someone important to me and them knowing nothing about me. I wanted my sister back, but I knew that was impossible. I would never see the girl that became one of the few people I adored in my life.
I shook my head immediately feeling the panic in my chest rise. I wouldn't see her ever again. I wouldn't see the sister than joined the army to be with me. I wouldn't see the one person that tried to cheer me up at the dark times. I would never have another stupid conversation with her over books. I would never be able to have a moment of peace just watching a movie with her. I would never be there to protect her again, because to her, I had died.
"Oh, I am so sorry" A voice said in panic drawing me from my spiral when something soaked my shirt, simply great
"It's okay" I replied looking up feeling all the breathe leave my lungs coming face to face with Kelly
"I can give you my jacket" She offered causing me to feel a swell of affection again, typical Kelly
"No, it's fine. It will dry" I said seriously taking a deep breathe to control the overwhelming tightening of my chest
"Oh, here take this" Kelly stated shoving a towel at me "It's clean, it the spare from my bag"
"Thanks" I mumbled taking notice of the cheerleading uniform, living with her mother made her even more girly as a teenager
"It was my fault; it is the least I could do" She said with a laugh "I really am sorry"
"Come on, Kelly. We are going to be late for practice" Megan said jogging over causing me to flinch with she looked at me "What happened here?"
"I bumped into her when I was drinking and spilled water all over her" Kelly explained with a chuckle again
"That is very you" Megan joked turning to me "Sorry about my sister, she didn't mean any harm by it"
"I know" I said forcing a smile to my lips, it was even worse with both of them not knowing shit about me "You should head to practice, thanks for the towel"
"No problem" Kelly said brightly as I shallowed hard "Are you new here? I haven't seen you around before"
"Nope, I am just swinging through town actually" I explained my heart shattering slightly with each second
"Oh, it was nice meeting you" Kelly stated smiling as I nodded feeling awkward in the conversation
"Nice meeting you" Megan said before dragging Kelly away from me as I turned away in a hurry so they wouldn't see the tears gathering
I wanted to ensure that she was here and that just confirms it, that I am in another reality. There is no way anything that I could produce in my own mind, would make me wish for this pain. I wouldn't ever wish for Kelly to not know who I was. I took several breathes in an attempt to properly maintain my calm. If nothing else, I could settle with the knowledge that this is now. This was the final confirmation I need for that.
~Time Lapse
I felt physically sick as I neared the town that I grew up in. It forced me to pull over on the shoulder to vomit on the side of the road. I could feel the panic set in at the realization that I was breaking my own promise. I was going to the place that taught me that monsters exist, that humans are monsters. I tried for several moments trying to regain enough control to drive or even move without uncontrolled shaking. I fucking hated this. Dealing with seeing Kelly and her not knowing me was one thing, doing this was second worst thing that I could picture doing.
I was suddenly very overwhelmed with my own stupidity for doing this alone. I knew that this was too much to do on my own, as I struggle to even breathe at the thought of entering that place again. I knew that Daniel wasn't here. I knew that Kelly had no idea who I was. I knew that Virginia didn't want to think of this place as the place where I began a fractured soul. I knew the first person that came to mind to help me face this without continuing my spiral and before I could stop myself, I was dialing a number.
"Is everything okay?" He asked and I could hear his confusion and surprise
"Actually, no" I said flinching when I heard a growl in response "I can't do this alone, I just can't face this alone. I know that it is a lot to ask. I know that you have to right to say no, with the way I left. But I just can't breath and I can't focus, I just need someone I could trust here."
"Liberty" He stated seriously cutting off my spiral "I will be there soon"
"Thanks" I said in relief feeling teary eyed at how easy he agreed to come
"Of course," He replied before hanging up as I shallowed thickly handing up the phone knowing that Alice would tell him exactly where to find me.
I took a breath feeling slightly calmer just knowing that help was on the way. I tried to keep my focus more on seeing him than seeing that house again. For the moment, it allowed me to concentrate enough on getting their safely. I could do this, I needed to do this, but now I knew that I couldn't do it alone.
~Time Lapse
I did not have to wait long after arriving at the destination before he appeared next to me. The isolation meant that he didn't need to worry too much, anyone else would just assume he came out of car. I was immediately relieved as I glanced at him. He looked overly concerned over my heightened emotional state and frantic appearance at this point.
"Thank you" I whispered shaking slightly knowing that now this meant I had to face this place
"You are family" Jasper said with a simple shrug causing me to feel slightly choked over it, of course it was that simple to him
"Still, I really appreciate it. I can't face this place alone" I explained a little shakily as he frowned looking at the house
"What is this place?" He questioned looking at the large home with interest
"This is my childhood home, the exact replica of the one that I was raised it" I explained feeling him place a hand on my shoulder
"How can I assist you?" He questioned softly looking concerned once more as I took a deep breath
"I just needed to know I had someone that I trust here, someone who I knew wouldn't expect me to be a stable and happy person all the time" I replied as he nodded leaning on the car looking at the house once more
"I can understand the concept of a place being too much for you to manage, I have a few myself in this state. When you are ready, I will be here to assist you" He stated like it was the easiest thing in the worse and I would forever be grateful for it
"Thanks" I stated leaning on the car staring at the house knowing it didn't hold the same demons, but I couldn't logic my entry into this house yet.
~Time Lapse
Jasper was a comforting presence when I finally managed the courage to enter the house. I knew that he would understand my need to take this slow, extremely slow considering I felt nothing but sadness at the photos filling the walls. I reached out with a shaky hand seeing her there, the Liberty that had been part of her family.
"It's strange" I mumble softly as he looked confused as I continued my walk to the living room where more photos "This place is a home"
"It was your home" He stated in confusion as I shallowed thickly shaking my head
"This was never a home" I whispered taking a shaky breath "Not to me. I can't remember even being in a photo after my father's death, not like family photos"
I shivered in disgust recalling the types of photos that were taken. Jasper sensing the sharp change in my emotion placed a hand on my shoulder. I was thankful for his support, his ability to pull me from going down that road. I don't know if I will ever be able to face that fully.
"I was written out of these in my world" I stated taking a seat on the couch as he looked at me patiently waiting for me to gather my thoughts "They were a family; I was there property and they made sure that I knew that I was worthless"
"Worthless?" He replied with anger "You are not worthless"
"I know" I said shallowing closing my eyes "Or at least, I am trying to know that. It is harder, staring in the mirror and seeing who I was then and not who I had become. I never really dealt with it, all the abuse I suffered at the hands of the family that was meant to love me. I just kind of moved on, left and promised to never come back"
"Why now?" He questioned softly as I released a harsh breathe
"Because this is the place that taught me that I don't deserve love" I whispered unable to look at him "I was always told that I was hated. I mean there was a lot of physical abuse, too much for any child to really live with. But I could heal from that, but there were words drilled into me that even now I still struggle against what they made me"
"Love isn't about what we deserve" He stated with such honestly that it stole my breath at the look in his eyes "Alice taught me love, she taught me that it isn't about deserving love at all. That love is something that is given freely, that is what makes it real and honest. I know that you may feel this way, because of what you faced here. But I can assure you that isn't true, nothing they said to you was true"
"Logically, I know that. It is trying to overcome it that gives me problems. I know that there are things that I never said, never faced, and never acknowledged in the light of day. It was easier to just bury it the best I could and more forward. I know how to control my emotions, but I don't know how to manage all the new emotions that I have never faced before with everything from this place haunting me" I explained biting my lip "I hate that I am not strong enough to just move on"
"I don't believe that you have ever been weak" He whispered with a frown "You didn't deserve to have to live through anything like that, Liberty"
I didn't deserve it. Those words made my head spin suddenly at those words. Simple and honest, from someone I knew wouldn't say something in which he didn't fully believe. My childhood had taught me that I didn't deserve love. To him, I didn't deserve to suffer so much in my childhood. I felt tears gathering in my eyes at the confirmation, at the acknowledgement that I wasn't at fault. That just because they didn't love me, didn't mean I deserved what they did. That just because they said I didn't deserve love, didn't mean that I was unlovable.
"Thanks" I stuttered out feeling tears pouring from my eyes
"It's okay, just let it out" He whispered making the choice to hug me since I was still trying not to break down in front of him
The dam broke as I sobbed at the memories, I had faced her. I sobbed for the times I had to bite my tongue till it bleed to not make a sound. I let the tears finally flow at every broken bone, bruises, and words of hatred. Jasper just let me sob against his chest not even attempting to use his gift. In this moment, I was mourning for the little girl that never stood a chance with the life she had lived.
~Time Lapse
I was laying on the couch staring at the white ceiling are having my third perfect night sleep in the row. Coming here had been good for me in many ways, but it was Jasper that really helped. He allowed me to shift through emotions and memories, never judging me and offering nothing but support. Still there was something I never really considered doing before.
"I think I figured out what I need to do to move past it, to put it behind me" I stated softly as I could hear him hum to show he was listening "I have spoken a lot about it lately, but I never acknowledged it to the people that did it. I know that technically it isn't them, but I need to speak with them as if they were. I need to say my peace and forgive them for what happened here in my realm"
"Forgive them?" He questioned in confusion as I shallowed nodded in confirmation "Why would you forgive them for what they did to you?"
"Because forgiveness is in my best interest, I can't keep holding onto it. I am here now, I am becoming part of a family, and I know that in order to accept love that I need to let go of the pain and resentment that served as a reminder that I didn't need it" I explained looking at him as he nodded seeming to understand "I need to take back the power over my own life that I am just realizing that they still had after all this time"
"That sounds very wise" He said with a chuckle "You certainly seem to be more yourself today"
"I feel more like my true self" I replied in amusement before taking a deep breath "Do you want to come with me, or do you want to go hunt?"
"Do you think you need support?" He questioned softly as I bit my lip shaking my head
"No, I think I can manage this alone. But I will need it after, so could we do something that will take my mind off of all of this?" I asked as he chuckled in amusement
"I can come up with something" He stated as I smiled standing up from the couch
"Go hunt, I should be done by the time you are done" I stated squeezing his shoulder "I really appreciate everything you have done for me, I will never forget it"
"Anytime" He said flashing me a smirk as I shook my head in amusement heading to get ready
~Time Lapse
I took a steady breathe as I approached the graves of the people that held the same names of the ones that destroyed my childhood. I didn't really know how to feel about it. These were good people given the circumstances, the ones that tormented me were still alive in my world. I knew that, still this was the only option to do this.
'Hello" I whispered uncomfortable for a moment "I am sure where you are that you are aware that I am not the daughter you gave birth to. I don't know if you are aware of my past, but that is why I am here. If not, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but I have to say this as if you were them"
I took a moment to gather my thoughts as I placed a flower of the stone with my father's name. This was already something that I was familiar with, so it was easier to start with him.
"Hey, daddy" I whispered shallowing thickly "You know that I always considered you a hero, you were the person that I always looked up to. You were the one I remembered that loved me unconditionally. It wasn't until recently that I realized your own involvement with causing my childhood trauma. You made choices that led to your early death and that broke her, she shattered after you died. Now that I am older and know how different it could have been, that a part of me will always now associate your death with my abuse. I know the pull of being a soldier, I know that it is important. I just can't understand why serving was more important than your family. I don't know a lot about family, but I am learning. I have amazing people teaching me, accepting me, and even loving me. So, in that context, I forgive you for choosing the country over me"
I took a moment of silence closing my eyes to recenter my emotions. I knew the next one would be so much harder, there was so much more there to address. I knew that it was needed, but it was hard to think about everything that woman put me through. I opened my eyes staring at my mother's name. I took a second placing a flower on her stone.
"You know that even after all this time, which pain you caused me is still overwhelming and all consuming more often than not. I don't think I will ever understand it. I am learning to move forward from it and that is what this is about. Despite all those harsh words and even harsher beatings, there was always one thing that I could not understand" I said feeling my breathe speeding up with emotion making me pause to regather control
"I never understand how a mother could hate her own child so much that she would allow another man to abuse her, the child that looked like the man you loved with all your heart. You knew about the nights from the beginning, you could hear me call out your name pleading for you to stop him. You heard the screams of pain and you saw for your own eyes everything that he wanted from me. You stood by and did nothing when he was proudly showing it in front of you, shaming me more than he had already done. I will never ever forgive you for that, for allowing him to treat me as an object rather than a little girl that needed someone to save her. I will always carry some hatred for you for that and I don't think that will ever change" I said a little harshly, I hated thinking about that time in my life
"However, I will heal from what you put me through. I don't know if I can heal from what he did to me over those years, but I am going to try facing it as well when the time comes. But I will heal and am healing from the hell you and my siblings personally put me through as well. I am going to allow the Cullens, Edward, and even Virginia to heal me. I am going to learn everything that you denied me. I am going to trust in their love for me and embrace them as they deserve, because they showed me that I am more than what you wanted me to be." I stated honestly before pausing to wipe my tears
"These will be the last tears that you cause me, at least where I am alone. I know that you made the choice, I know you could have chosen differently. I know that it was not my fault anymore, that the blame is not mine to carry anymore. I am not your victim; I am a survivor. I survived everything you threw at me and made something out of the chaos, I become something your never thought I could be. I will never forgive you for him, but I forgive you for what you did to me. I forgive you for the torment and broken bones, for teaching my siblings to do the same." I whispered taking a shaky breath
I turned away from speaking to her surprised to see Jasper standing at the entrance to the cemetery waiting for me. I could tell from the look of pain on his face that he had been hear for far longer than I would have liked. I took too long working up the courage to say the words and not only the graves had heard them.
"Liberty" He stated softly when I was close as I flinched shaking my head
"Please" I pleaded knowing that I could not talk about this as he nodded in complete understanding once more
"I can understand you not wanting to speak of it, just when you are ready know that I am here should you need to talk" He said stopping me when I went to walk past him "However, there is something I have to say, and I need you to really listen to me"
"Okay" I whispered after a moment shallowing thickly
"You are not at fault for what you suffered at his hands. You were a child and even if you were an adult, you didn't deserve that. It was not your fault. No one, especially not you, deserve such heinous acts to occur" He gently explained causing me to nod feeling tears gather again
"You have no idea what that means to me" I replied softly overwhelm with gratefulness "Thank you, Jasper"
"You don't need to thank me for speaking the truth" He said as I took another shaky breath "Now, I owe you a distraction and I have just the place in mind"
"Okay" I said looking forward to whatever he had planned
~Time Lapse
Jasper's idea of a distraction was the Fort Clark's Guardhouse Museum. In all honesty, it was just what I needed after a stressful few days, I listened with rapt interest as he spoke of his take on the civil war, everything from his point of view. It was a fun afternoon and I enjoyed myself for the first time in weeks. It felt like a weight had lifted off my chest by the time we were back in the car.
"Do you miss it?" I questioned softly causing him to look at me in confusion "Do you mess your life back then?"
"No" He said softly as I nodded "I know that I may struggle with many things. I have done things that are not right or good, being changed into a vampire led me down a dark path for a long time. However, everything that I had face led me to Alice. Our bond and being her mate are everything that I need and everything that I am"
"So, you are saying that she made everything worth it?" I asked in slight awe as he smiled fondly clearly thinking about her
"She made me worthy" He whispered with love in his eyes that it made me breathless
"You really love her" I stated a little in awe of it, a love so great that it made the darkness he faced worth it
"And he really loves you" He said in response causing my heart rate to quicken "It is scary, isn't it?"
"What?" I questioned softly not knowing what he meant
"Finding the one love that is your reason for existing, the person that you can't live without" He stated causing my heart to skip a beat "That is what is he is to you"
"You sense that?" I whispered softly and he smiled softly, a rare true smile normally reserved for Alice
"It is the same for him" He said in response as I smiled knowing this already, I knew that Edward wouldn't have said he loved me if he didn't.
"I know" I said honestly giving him a said smile "I know"
"Then, what are you going to do about it?" He questioned with a look of concern
I sighed letting my mind wonder. Could I have been sent here because this is where I was truly meant to be? Was I truly Edward's soul mate? Could I look past everything I knew and take something that may not be mine to take? Could I believe in this connection and have faith that he will love me if he sees who I truly am? Could I take the risks that a relationship would create? The most important question was Did I love Edward?
I couldn't picture a future without him in it, as terrifying as it was, I knew that it was true. As shock as it was, I felt completely and safe with him. I felt at peace when I was in his arms and the way he held he was like I was a glass. I knew without a doubt that I didn't need to be the invincible Liberty near him. I found it hard to keep the barriers up to distance myself and often found I didn't really want to; I was still unsure if I would ever be able to truly let him all the way in.
I knew that when he smiled, I wanted to smile because he was happy. I knew that when he laughed it filled me with happiness. I knew that I was at peace when he was near me. I knew that when he touched me my heart went wild in my chest. He had somehow become the center of my dreams, ever present to chase away my nightmares. I longed for our conversations and found myself fascinated by everything about him. Yes, I loved him.
Could I risk being hurt again? Yes, I had the faith that he wouldn't hurt me. Could I manage being in a relationship with a vampire? Yes, I knew that to me he was just Edward and together we could be able to manage it. I was not Bella and would not make the same mistakes. Could I trust him with my heart? I believed that I could in time, it would not be easy, but I could.
Could I take away Bella's happiness? No, but I had to believe she was also meant for a new path because if I was Edward's mate than Bella's soul mate was still out there. That made me realize something shocking, Edward never reacted to Bella as his mate in the book. The more I thought about it the more things become clear. I had a good relationship with the entire family, including Rosalie. I had shared something in common with each of them and they with me. Another terrifying realization was I had finally had a family that cared about me and loved me. I smiled after what seemed like hours looking at Jasper.
"I want my mate" I said honestly as he smiles with a single nod
"So, home then?" He questioned in confirmation, and I chuckled lightly nodding
"Yeah, let's go home" I said softly rolling the window down leaning out looking at the surroundings of my home state "Home sounds perfect"
I glanced in time to see the soft look in Jasper's eyes that spoke of pride. I knew through reading his soul that he was proud of me for risking it, for risking the last of my stability for a chance for a happy life with Edward. I would never be able to repay Jasper for helping me come to terms with everything, but I knew that I would never need to. I glance out the window relaxing when a thought hit me.
"I am going to like having a brother like you" I said in a whisper as I smile brightly in joy sensing his surprise at the statement, claiming him so clearly as my family.