...
"Brynden Rivers if you can hear me, you're a fucking asshole!" I yelled out loud towards the air, before looking down towards the two direwolves staring at me like I was crazy. "Nothing?" I clicked my fingers. "Shoot-" I promptly turned my gaze upwards again. "The Three-eyed Raven is as psychotic as Aerys the second!" Pause. "Nothing?" I let out a sigh and promptly sat down on the ground crosslegged, before using a hand to call over one of the two direwolves, Nymeria? I think it was Nymeria, who elected to walk over towards me, bemusement oozing out of it's expression as it tilted it's head at me.
Reaching a hand out, I promptly started scratching it behind the ear, earning a contented sigh from the little beast.
"Whose a good little killing machine?" I questioned, before reaching both hands out and scratching behind both ears. "You are! Yes you are," I chuckled, only to watch as it's sister promptly tried barging it out of the way, and ended starting a scuffle between the two of them. Without much to do, I promptly leaned backwards on the ground and just stared up ahead into the sky, idly taking in the red comet in the sky.
I was pretty sure that only appeared after dragons came back to Westeros...
Huh.
I let out a shrug and just closed my-
"You..." Eddard Stark's voice drew me out of my musing as I opened one eye to stare at the man, watching as he carefully took a few steps towards me and sat down beside me, a heavy expression on his face. "You really are a messenger from them... Aren't you?"
I shrugged in response, turning my gaze back towards the sky in the process.
"It's definitely in line with your gods to send an asshole who doesn't want to stay alive to save you dumb fucks."
It was telling that he didn't get angry over that remark, instead electing to let out a sigh.
"So... You going to kill me or-" I started up again when he made no response.
"No." Ned immediately remarked. "You have the knowledge to save this kingdom-" I opened my mouth to retort, only for Ned to continue on unimpeded. "-Besides, I won't anger my gods to appease you, even if..." He shook his head. "I understand better than anyone what it's like to feel as if your life is cursed, but that doesn't mean you just give it up."
I nodded, raising myself up into a seated position.
"Is it honourable then, for you to stop me from dying and going off to a better place- 'Cos that's what death means for me, it ain't the end, it's just the start of another adventure in a much better, more civilised world." Pause. "You guys really set the bar low on that one."
"...Oh."
"Yeah." I nodded again. "It's hella dishonourable for you to hold me prisoner in this world, 'cos that's what it is."
Different emotions warred all across his face, before a resigned one took over.
"Look, I ain't trying to bust your balls here-" He raised an eyebrow at the words. "But, you don't have any power in the south, your status as a Lord Paramount is only viable in the North, and you're heading to a place where your honour, your power only means as much as the next guy with a bigger guard than you." I sighed again. "I would help, if I knew the fuckers in power would actually listen, but unfortunately the fuckers in power are literally the problem." I paused for effect, a grin growing on my face. "Besides, it's not like killing me can anger your gods enough to make things any worse." A beat passed as I leaned in consipiricaitly. "You were cursed the day you were born into the house of Stark."
He frowned at the words, taking them absolutely seriously, before to my surprise, he weakly nodded.
"It certainly feels like it... You just told me my children die one after another."
I nodded again.
"They do, well, two of them anyway. The other three survive- Sort of." I shrugged. "Sansa Stark get's traumatised to hell and back because, you know, you bethrothed her to a psychotic incest bastard that gives the Mad King a run for his gold in been an absolutely piece of shit to the continent." A very grave expression took over the Northen Lord's face at that. "Arya Stark becomes a faceless man." That turned that grave expression into the most incredulous expression on the man's face yet.
"What?"
"Yup. Girl wipes out an entire house in one night at some point in the name of revenge." Pause. "Even ends the Long Night by killing the White Walker's king. Big props to her, but I am pretty sure Westeros had gotten so insane at that point, the gods had just decided to put an end to the bullshit themselves."
He was just blinking at me now, completely out of his depths.
"Brandon Stark on the other hand..." I shook my head. "Brat gets the worst hand out of all of 'em, probably would've been a mercy if he'd just died actually."
"...Why? What could be worse than death-"
I made to answer that question, before to Ned's surprise, the Direwolves promptly started growling, a strange light filtering through their eyes as they edged towards me, menacingly.
I smiled and pointed towards them.
Ned raised a hand towards the two beasts, his eyes stuck on me.
"Well?"
I opened my mouth, my finger still pointed at the two beasts, and the wolves growled louder.
That time, he noticed, before his gaze rapidly turned back towards me.
"The gods..." He remarked, a shook expression on his face. "They prevent you from answering?"
"Something like that." I narrowed my eyes at the two wolves, as I stood up. I promptly leaned down towards Nymeria's glazed over eyes. "Piss. Off. Before I help the White Walker's win." And promptly put as much killing intent behind my eyes as I could, the wolf's instinctual need to survive briefly overcoming it's raven-control as it let out a yelp and lowered it's head on the ground.
Turning towards Eddard Stark, I found a gobsmacked expression on the man's face.
"Anywho, where was I?" I shrugged. "Brandon Stark lose-" And before I could fucking finish, I watched as Ned tensed, the sounds of dozens of gallops filling the background as my gaze took in the far away, yet approaching guard surrounding Robert the pig king of Westeros.
Eddard, himself, promptly told me to keep quiet as he rapidly stood up onto both legs, before picking up Ice and slinging it over his back.
I let out a sigh and just laid back down onto my back, my gaze on the sky.
"Well played." I deadpanned towards the Three-eyed raven as Ned tensed again, his eyes locking onto me. I don't know how he timed their approach in time, or even if he did, but fair play anyway.
"Stand!" He hissed. "That's the king approaching." He remarked, putting a serene expression on his face as he turned back towards the approaching force.
I snorted in response.
"What makes you think I'd answer to your king? I don't even answer to your gods."
...
...
"Your gr-" Ned started to speak as I made to get up and take in the halting force before me- My eyes falling on two of the Kingsguard, with a party of a dozen guards as Robert Baratheon came to a halt at the front of them, his horse turning to the right as it's gaze swivelled over towards the two direwolves.
I idly noted Barristan Selmy as one of the knights.
Still, I practically couldn't help myself as I let a surprised expression take over my face, my gaze set on Robert Baratheon in all off his un-glory.
"By the fucking gods man," I remarked, Ned stiffening beside me. "I didn't think it was possible but you're somehow even fatter than I expected!"
A beat passed as Robert Baratheon briefly narrowed his eyes while everyone else fell silent.
I turned towards Ned with a smile on my face.
"Maybe you guys have some hope after all! I didn't realise Westeros was this far up in animals rights, you guys put a fucking boar on the Iron Throne and stuck with it!"
Dead silence followed my words as I watched the knights and guards tense- A resigned expression going over Barristan Selmy's face as he hovered a hand over his sheathed blade.
The tension however was rapidly dissipated as Robert Baratheon raised his head and started laughing.
"I like this one!" The man remarked good-naturedly, before shaking his head. "I might have you executed for dishonouring your king, but I like you."
I shrugged, putting both hands behind my head.
"Your grace-" Ned started only for me to interrupt him.
"Go ahead, but if you can't take a joke then you're not half as charming as you think you are."
The man let out a derisive snort at my words before rolling his eyes.
"Kneel before your king." One of his knights, the not-Barristan Selmy one remarked affronted.
"Only if he can prove he's capable of kneeling first." I deadpanned in return, as a very sour expression filtered through Ned's face, while Robert's eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline.
"Robert-" Ned started once again, "Forgive him he's-"
"Hilarious!" The man laughed out loud again, before he promptly turned his horse around, and told one of his guards to ride with another and give their one over to me for the journey, to their utter annoyance.
Well, not exactly how I pictured this.
"You're definitely coming with us, we could use a fool with a spine!"
I twitched at the words and promptly turned a deadpan look towards Stark, the man letting out a heavy, albeit relieved, sigh as he got up on his own horse.
I calmly looked at the disgruntled guard forced to ride with his fellow before turning my gaze towards the now free horse.
Letting out a snort I promptly climbed onto it with one smooth motion, something that seemed to intrigue Selmy.
Needless to say, I rode up beside the older man and kept beside his pace, as Robert promptly started grilling Ned on his sudden 'escape' from his responsibilities as Hand.
Because of course he'd immediately assume that's what it'd been all about.
"You know, as bad as he might be," I quietly remarked towards Selmy, "He's no Aerys, or god forbid Rhaeger." I shook my head, only to earn a verydefensive expression in return. I grinned at the man. "At least if you ever saved his fat ass from Duskendale- if you could carry it- you wouldn't regret it, right?"
The defensive expression turned into a heavily frowning one as the knight looked at me with... What I assumed was a glower?
"Have care how you speak..." The man remarked tightly as he sped up ahead.
I rolled my eyes at him.
So much for getting stabbed by Barristan Selmy. Would've been a worthy death.
I used to be so much better at pushing buttons.
Riding up ahead towards Robert and Ned's position, I idly asked the man if he'd ever considered legalising one of his bastards and letting them take over the Iron Throne.
Needless to say, no one appreciated my idea- Though Stark was mostly trying to shut me up with his glare.
Still Robert's snickering certainly seemed to lift the mood up somewhat.
"Ask me again in front of my court." He deadpanned towards me with a wink.
...I may have just met my match.
"In front of Queen Bitch-Face? Sure." I deadpanned in response.
It was telling that most of the guards and both two knights were visibly holding in the urge to draw their weapon.
Robert's laughter was the only thing that stopped them from doing it.
"Oh, it's a pity you're not going to last very long," The man sighed whimsically.
"That's the plan!" I grinned in response. "If that doesn't get me killed, I was thinking of taking a shit in Tywin's golden privy, I hear it stabs you in the arse if you're not a Lannister."
Needless to say the rest of the journey back was filled with laughter.
Hell, at some point even the guards loosened up enough to join in on the laughter.
Eddard Stark for some reason however had a very disturbed expression on his face for the entirety of it.
...
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