ugh sorry I keep forgetting to post these. here's one more for now I might just post the rest in one fell swoop, haven't decided yet

disclaimer/warning: I am not a psychologist lol. direct discussion of abuse and grooming and stuff

After nearly four long years of war and a more tumultuous teenagedom than most kids her age could possibly dream of, Ahsoka had finally been given her first assignment as a Jedi Knight. How very…very…very…exciting.

Yup, three very's was exactly how excited she felt as she stepped aboard the flagship of the 501st. It was not the same one on which she'd rendezvoused with Anakin and Obi-Wan before the Siege, as that one had been damaged during the battle over Coruscant a few hours later. No, this was a shiny new triangular beast that was due to teleport her to Mustafar, of all places, a hellish fiery planet that she'd hoped never to have to visit again.

But here she was. A Jedi Knight, and very enthusiastic about that fact as well. Go her.

She'd just barely gotten reacquainted with her familiar surroundings when she heard a very pleasantly familiar voice say, "You just had to go and upstage me, kid. Couldn't stand to be the same rank as old Rex here, could ya?"

Ahsoka turned toward him, pretending to suppress her smile, and folded her arms over her chest in a defiant pose. "You know me, Rex. Between me and Anakin, I'm the cocky one."

"Welcome aboard, General," Rex said to her with a salute, and Ahsoka immediately felt her face sour. Her friend noticed immediately and released a hearty chuckle. "Yeah, that's how I feel, too. I hear people call out 'commander' and I think they must be talking to someone else."

"I know what you mean. I'm never going to get used to that."

"You might not have to," Rex said casually. "If the war actually ends like they're saying."

"They say a lot of things," Ahsoka huffed. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"I'm with you there, kid," he said, looking off into the distance. Then he glanced at her and winked. "Ahem. General."

She bat him on the arm playfully and headed up with him to the bridge, reconnected with Admiral Yularen, tried to ignore how unbelievably, wildly out of line she felt acting in Anakin's stead….

After she finished doing all her boring stuff — honestly, she'd been given a barebones instruction, and most of what she did was just going off all Anakin's old protocols that she'd watched him do for years — she walked off with Rex to the mess to catch up. The room was loud and crowded, and felt more like home to her, somehow, than the temple had in the past month. After waving over at a few dozen men each in turn, all of them excited to see General Tano (ugh) she sat with Rex in an empty corner and picked at her food.

"How is General Skywalker?" he said.

Ahsoka rested her chin in her hand. "That depends. Have you talked with Obi-Wan at all?"

"Haven't had the chance, no. All I know is that the General left the Jedi."

"Oh. Well, I'm happy to inform you that Anakin is, in fact, on diaper duty."

"No!" Ahsoka watched as Rex's eyebrows shot up in a comically shocked way, and he leaned in after checking that no one around them was listening in. "With Senator Amidala?"

Now it was Ahsoka's turn to be numbly shocked. "Yeah…how did you know?"

Rex smirked. "I'm just extremely perceptive, is all." Ahsoka quirked an eyebrow, and he dropped the act and started snickering. "Few months ago on Subterrel he got some shrapnel in his leg. Got all loopy on painkillers and wouldn't stop talking about the senator. Then, of course, he made me his confidante since he hadn't told anyone else." He sighed wistfully. "Ever since I've been roped into helping him keep his little secret. I'll miss the man but it'll be nice not having to cover up for him around General Kenobi."

"Of course he would," Ahsoka said, giggling. "Yeah, that's why I had to rush off when you and I got back to Coruscant with Maul. Anakin was…being Anakin."

There was a little more to it than that, of course, but…well, to be honest that was still a pretty accurate description of what happened.

They talked for a long time, with Rex catching her up on everything that'd happened since her departure, all the things they hadn't had time to talk about on the way to or from Mandalore because everything had all been happening at once and there hadn't been any time…but now it was just like the old days. Now, just for this brief conversation, Ahsoka actually felt, almost, like she was in the right place, like she had made the right decision, and surely she'd just been getting a little cold feet, was all….

Rex told her about the Outer Rim Sieges, how they'd all been on active duty for about five or six months straight, which she supposed explained why Anakin hadn't known about the pregnancy…there was some stuff on Cato Neimoidia that "the generals" had gotten into, some things about the Banking Clan on Scipio and also Quinlan Vos and Ventress, oh and that apparently Echo had survived the Citadel and they'd saved him from being a Separatist slave before he'd gone off to serve with Clone Force 99, which Ahsoka had never heard of….

And though all of that was pretty wild in Rex's retellings of it, the thing that really shocked her the most was his account of what had happened with Fives.

She'd been wondering about Fives since she realized he wasn't around during the Siege, but she hadn't asked after him given the circumstances, and then given the later circumstances with Anakin, and then she'd forgotten about it — but she'd never expected…this. First Tup had killed a Jedi, then Fives had gone to Kamino, and then come back and allegedly attacked the Chancellor, and then fled, and then found Rex and Anakin and claimed that the clones had inhibitor chips, and that there was a conspiracy involving the Chancellor, and then Fives had been shot before he could elaborate, and —

"Wait," Ahsoka said suddenly. "A conspiracy with the Chancellor? Has anyone been looking into this?"

"They closed the case," Rex said, shrugging. "Said Fives and Tup's behavior was caused by some parasite on Ringo Vinda. Gave us all a vaccine for it."

"What did Fives say the conspiracy was?"

"Something about how the inhibitor chips are a plot to control us all. That they could even get us to attack the Jedi, somehow. Honestly, he was acting kinda loopy when he came to us about it, but I wanted to do right by him so I filed an official report asking for a further investigation into his claims. Nothing ever came of it."

Ahsoka nodded. "Inhibitor chips…that does sound pretty ominous."

"The Kaminoans acknowledged them officially since it was such a high profile case. They said that removing them could kill us, or that we could kill those around us if we go crazy." He huffed. "Like Fives and Tup did, according to them. Never did like them, much."

They poked at their cold food for a few minutes, the heavy weight of their conversation topic looming over them.

Then Rex's fork clattered out of his hand.

"The Chancellor," he breathed suddenly. "Of course…."

"What is it?"

"The parasite," Rex said, his gaze unfocused as he dwelt on the memory. "General Skywalker said news of the parasite came from the Chancellor himself. Not the Jedi. Not even the Kaminoans."

Ahsoka's mouth fell open. "There has to be something there." Rex nodded, stunned. "Is there any way for us to look into it?"

"I'd say we could go to the general, but I guess he doesn't have that kind of authority anymore…."

"I'm a Knight now," she said. "You're a commander. That has to mean something."

"Maybe," he said. "I'm not usually the biggest revenge man, but I'd really like to know what happened to Fives…."

"So let's find out," Ahsoka said simply. "Hopefully the Separatist Council will still be on Mustafar and we can go home and do some digging."

"I guess that's as good a plan as any," Rex said wistfully. "Fives, my brother…maybe you were onto something after all."

A conspiracy, some Seperatists to arrest, and a revenge mission….

Finally, something interesting to do. Maybe this was the right choice on her part after all.

Maybe. It remained to be seen. At the very least, maybe she could do what Rex was saying — do right by Fives, and do her part in taking down the Chancellor. Maybe that was why she was here.

…Maybe.

Of all the places on all the planets in all the star systems in all the galaxies in the entire universe, this was the absolute last place that Anakin wanted to be. Either right now, or at any point ever in his life.

Therapy. Talk therapy. Talking. He didn't want to talk. Why couldn't he just continue to privately stew in his own self-loathing the way he had always done? Like, how would this really help? In what way could he possibly benefit from this thing that everyone who cared about him insisted he so desperately needed?

…Ugh. Maybe this would go quickly, as the therapist — Dr. Seig Druyan, a Wroonian — was sure to realize that the Jedi had really overblown this whole thing, the abuse wasn't actually that, Anakin was perfectly fine and could continue to go about his life without spilling his darkest secrets to this blue woman sitting across him with a datapad in her lap and a stylus in her hand, looking at a questionnaire they'd had him fill out that was full of stupid questions like, did he have trouble finding motivation for day-to-day tasks? and, did he often feel empty inside? and, did he have trouble opening up to those he was close to?

He'd thought about lying, but he figured if he told the truth (yes, yes, and yes) he'd be able to get this over with sooner. He was, apparently, very wrong.

"So, Anakin," the doctor said, "Tell me in your words why you think the Jedi wanted you to see me."

"Well…they say I was abused."

She smiled kindly. "In your own words."

"Uh…because…," he said, trying to figure out what she wanted him to say. "I…was…groomed, apparently?"

She nodded, thinking. "Do you agree?"

"I think they're blowing it out of proportion a little, is all."

"Okay," she said, "So, in your words, if you can, tell me a little about your relationship with the Chancellor."

Anakin shrugged. "He's — he was a…friendly mentor, I guess."

"How long have you known him?"

"Since I was nine."

"Did he initiate contact?" Anakin nodded. "Can you tell me about that?"

So he did, recounting in brief the story of how he'd helped save Naboo, and how the newly elected Chancellor had spoken with Anakin at length afterward, how it had developed into a sort of grandfatherly relationship over the years…. Anakin didn't go into any of the, uh, later details yet, because he didn't know this woman, and also because he didn't want to talk about it, because he didn't want to talk about any of this at all at any point so could he leave now, please —

Dr. Druyan nodded along contemplatively as he spoke, and when he was done she appeared to think for a moment before speaking again.

"So," she said, "Before we really get into anything deep, there's a few things I like to tell all of my patients. First," she ticked it off on her finger, "Therapy can be very difficult and very ineffective when one doesn't wish to be helped. Now, at face value it seems to me like you don't think you need it — though I can confirm that you do — but I think that deep down, you do want to be helped. It's an important step that you decided of your own accord to accept the help from the Jedi that was being offered to you, even if it did take a little while to get to that point.

"Second," she said, ticking off another finger, "Sometimes, therapists and patients are not a good match for each other. There's nothing wrong with that. Therapy can be a difficult process for some people because it requires building a trusting relationship where the recipient of care feels comfortable confiding in their therapist. If you do not feel that way with me, I want you to say so, and I will help you to find someone with whom you are more comfortable. If that is, or becomes, the case, there is no judgement, no shame in it. It is the nature of this type of care.

"And third, the simple but hard truth is that it's almost certainly going to get worse before it gets better. Therapy can be a struggle, and sometimes going over these thoughts and feelings one has can make them feel worse in the short term. I need you to know before we jump in that this is completely normal, and I encourage you to tell me how you're feeling along the way so that I can understand how you're taking everything and adjust the course of treatment if necessary."

Anakin frowned. "But…how long before it works?"

"It may be a while," she said patiently. "Everyone is different. Everyone has different experiences. Your situation is quite unique, and your abuse has been going on for a long time, so it may similarly take a long time for treatment to start feeling like it's helping."

"So…a few months?"

Dr. Druyan smiled. "Almost certainly longer. But I promise it will be worth it when you get there. You owe it to yourself at least to try, don't you think?"

He shrugged. "I owe it to my friends."

"You owe it to yourself, Anakin. You are worthy of being helped. You deserve to be helped."

Hmph. How long before she realized that wasn't true?

"Let me tell you a bit about myself," she said, putting down the datapad with his stupid questionnaire full of stupid questions. "I studied at the Coronet University of Medicine on Corellia with a specialty in psychiatry and I practiced there for a few years before I decided I wanted to focus more on psychology and less on the medicinal aspects of my field. I moved my practice to Duro, where there was a great need for mental health reform and a large population that needed care. A few years ago I moved here to Coruscant, where I've been specializing in trauma and abuse ever since. I've had many patients who were victims of torture, abuse, grooming, and I'm happy to be able to help people who have been through such awful things."

He made a face. "You're happy to hear people talk about how terrible their lives are?"

"I'm happy," she said, "To be able to give people their sense of self back after part of it was taken away."

Anakin looked at the floor, and muttered, "What if they never had it to begin with?"

Oh, Force. Didn't he say he wasn't going to talk about his feelings? What was becoming of him?

"On that note," she said, and he felt somehow as if he were being seen, though not the way it was with Yoda or Obi-Wan. "Would you tell me a little about yourself?"

He thought. "Well…I'm from Tatooine."

He was content to leave it at that, but she of course had to nod for him to continue. Well, what was he supposed to say? My father is the Force, my mother was kidnapped and tortured, I slaughtered her captors like farm animals, just like I almost slaughtered the Jedi upon the command of a Sith Lord who I was a few hours away from calling Master and whose face is plastered on every screen on Coruscant and I can't get away from him no matter how I try and now this lady is trying to get me to talk about it —

"And I was a Jedi, for a while."

She nodded again, gesturing with her hand just a smidgeon.

"I'm married to Padmé Amidala." Ooh, it was nice to be able to say that finally.

"Okay," she said, interested. "How's your marriage?"

He shrugged. "We've been arguing a lot since the twins came a few weeks ago, but we had a long talk the other day and it's been better."

"How long have you been together?"

This was all confidential, right? "Almost four years. We had to keep it a secret until recently because we'd both lose our jobs if we didn't."

"I imagine that was stressful."

Another shrug. "It was easier to hide since I was always off fighting."

"And you said you have two newborns. How old are they?"

Anakin couldn't suppress a sloppy grin. "Uh — five weeks, now? Six? Their names are Luke and Leia and they're perfect in every way." Suddenly, he yawned. "I just wish they'd sleep more."

"What else about yourself?" she asked, laughing. "Do you have any hobbies?"

"I like building droids," he said. "I'm a good mechanic. I like flying. I like working out."

"That's good," she said. "Exercise is known to improve mental health."

"I haven't really had the energy lately."

"Understandable," Druyan said. "I don't have children myself, but I've babysat my sister's. They are a handful."

"Two handfuls," he said, and they shared another little laugh.

She looked his questionnaire again for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face, before glancing back at him. "I know your situation at home may be tight, what with your newborns and all, but I'd think I'd like to have you in here twice a week if you think that's possible."

Anakin felt his face scrunch up. "Don't you think that's overkill?"

"Not at all," she said. "With the added stress of the the trial, and it being shown all over the holonet, and I think especially because you have your newborns and family, it would be really effective if we could get a head start on all of this now."

But he didn't wanna — "I'm sure you have other patients that need it more."

Dr. Druyan just smiled knowingly at him. "Anakin, your struggles are important, too. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences matter."

He wanted so badly to say no. No, no, no, he didn't want to talk. Didn't want to sit here for an hour two days a week. He didn't want to, ugh ugh uuuugh —

But, Padmé would want him to. Obi-Wan would want him to. Ahsoka would thump him over the head and tell him to swallow his pride, which was pretty much the same thing as wanting him to.

Palpatine wouldn't want him to, because he didn't like Anakin sharing anything with anyone else but him. So, that was probably the best incentive to do it, he supposed.

"Is it —" Anakin started, really not sure if he should bring this up, even though he was actually absolutely sure because that was kinda the whole reason he was here…. "Is it normal that I think about him all the time? Like, all the time? Is it normal that I —"

No, no. Nah. Nope.

"That you what?"

Noooooo — "That I miss him."

He hated himself so so so so so so kriffing badly, what the hell was wrong with him for even saying that out loud, for even entertaining the thought, she was going to kick him out because he was absolutely beyond helping, really, at this point —

"That's very normal," Dr. Druyan said, nodding. "It's a staple of abusive relationships.

But — "It wasn't like that though…." He trailed off into a shudder.

"Abusive relationships can take many forms," she said. "It could be someone's employer, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a spouse. It's the same with grooming."

His mouth twisted in a contorted frown. "But did the Jedi tell you what he was allegedly grooming me for?"

"They essentially said that he was trying to get you to do his bidding," Dr. Druyan said. "I know there are some Force aspects of it, and I'm not extremely familiar with the Force, although I have been doing a little reading out of interest ever since they contacted me. But even without that knowledge, grooming manifests in many different ways. Grooming someone to be a drug mule, for example, very common with children in the spice colonies."

"Well," Anakin said, suddenly with a white-hot anger and a cold disgust for himself, "He wasn't grooming me for drug trading, he was grooming me for murder. And I fell for it!"

So let him go, send him away, he was beyond help, could he go home now and stop thinking about this, pretty please —

"Anakin," she said patiently, "I won't deny that your situation is unique, but you are not alone. Your struggles don't exist in a vacuum. There are other people out there who have faced similar things as you. There is precedent for all of this. There is help."

"Well then," he said, sulking back in his chair, "Go help some of them."

"I am," she said, "And I'm going to try helping you. You deserve it as much as any of them."

He just shook his head and looked out the window.

"Think of it like this," she said. "You were a Jedi, so I know you're a compassionate person. Your eyes lit up when you described your family, so I know there is great love in your heart. So if I were to tell you about — just making up an example here, a child on Ord Mantell who was taken by the Black Sun and forced to lie, cheat, and kill for them under threat of torture. And that child did what they said, and then grew into a teen that did what they said, and then an adult who was still doing what they said. Do you blame that man for the circumstances he finds himself in?"

"Of course not."

"Exactly. Now say there's — I don't know, a little girl on Takodana who finds her uncle sneaking into her room at night, whispering that if she tells anyone about what he does to her, he'll kill her mother. So she puts up with it for years, because he's twice her size and five times her strength. Is it that little girl's fault that she puts up with it, and doesn't tell anyone?"

"I'm not a little kid, though. It's not the same."

"But you were," she said. "And even if this hadn't started when you were young, abusers are masters of gaining control. They pinpoint your weak spots and exploit them. Do you have anything in common — and you don't have to specify, just say yes or no — with the two examples I just gave you?" He nodded dully. "Right. All grooming is, is someone who gains your trust by poking at your weak spots and using them to control you without you realizing. Their efforts are subtle, poisonous, and long term. Their goals could be anything. Sex, crime, drug trading, money — and yes, even murder."

Anakin stared at the floor. "I'm beyond helping, though."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I've already done it," he said, not looking up. "I killed someone because he told me to. I was this close to doing the same thing with —"

No. He didn't know her well enough to say that.

She gave him a moment, and then said, "I don't believe anyone is beyond helping. I believe everyone deserves a chance, and I don't think anyone should be looked down upon because of their circumstances."

"I've killed people, though!" he said, gesturing with his hands, leaning closer to her. "I'm a murderer! Why would anyone want to help me? No one cares!"

"I do."

"It's your job to!"

"I made it my job because I wanted to help people," Druyan said, and her smile just made him even more frustrated. "Because I care about helping people. Aren't you the same? Didn't you say you chose to be a Jedi, who are known throughout the galaxy as being compassionate keepers of the peace?"

That was, admittedly, a good point. She continued, "When the Jedi called me to set up your appointment, it was very clear that they care about you. You have a wife, and friends that you mentioned, who clearly care very deeply about you. People do care, Anakin."

"Well then, why did no one ever notice?" he demanded, clenching the armrests of his chair with a tightened grip. "If the Jedi care so much why did they always act like they didn't? Why did they let me see him? Why didn't they ever notice? Why did any of this happen to me? You know they call me the Chosen One? What the hell does that mean? And if they call me that why did they let a Sith Lord kriffing groom me? Why —"

His face fell into his hands, and suddenly he never wanted to talk again. There were tears prickling at his eyes, but this woman would not see him cry. Not today.

"See what I mean?" he heard her say, sounding horribly sympathetic. "It gets worse before it gets better."

And this was only the first session.

Ugh.

Death would be less painful than this.