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Christine and Gustave talk about Erik and the past. There's also a few flashbacks, the chapter also starts off with one.
"With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not." ~ Sara Gruen
Chapter Eleven
Sorrow and Remorse
Over 12 years ago...
France
On a dark and moonless night, the tall figure pulled away, "I am not what you need." Erik shook his head. "Christine, we can't...I am not..."
"Erik, you are," Christine said soothingly. "We can do this." She felt as if they were spinning in circles. "We—"
"No, no," Erik said over and over again. His whole body was trembling. "S-someday you are going to look at me and see exactly what I am, your face will change." He said with a hint of bitterness. Perhaps he was still angry over what happened during Don Juan Triumphant. "You will back away and leave. I can't...I can't deal with that," Emotion gathered in his throat and voice.
"You won't have to," Christine reached up to touch his cheek. "I am here. I am not going anywhere." No, she would not leave him. Not tonight. They would never be parted from one another again. Even if she wanted to, she did not think could leave him.
"I can't. We...can't." Erik hesitated. "We are so different, you and I...,"
"I see a man, a man and woman." Christine was caressing both sides of his face. They were standing so close together. "A man and woman who care very deeply about one another." She sighed. "In the morning, I will speak with Raoul. It...it will be hard, but—"
Once more, Erik pulled away. "No, we cannot..." He leaned against the iron fence of the cemetery. "I don't—I don't deserve you. We can't be together."
What was this really about? Why did Erik still doubt her? Was was it because she had unmasked him? "You don't want to be with me?" Christine asked somewhat doubtfully. Did he simply no longer desire her? Maybe Erik was just saying these things to push her away.
Yes, she suspected that was it.
"Of course, I want you!" Erik said with a hint of frustration. "You're all I want," He tried to explain. "But I also want to give you a good, happy," He hesitated. "Safe life," Erik added and hesitated once more. "And then I think about all the things I've done," He raked his hands through his hair as he began to sob. "I-If you knew..." He swallowed through his tears. "If you knew what I've done—"
Christine took a step forward, reached out, and found him in the dark. "Stop, Erik. Stop, shhh," She said soothingly. "Enough." Closing her eyes, she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him. "No more. No more sorrow or remorse."
Present, 1907
New York
Knock! Knock!
Christine peaked inside her son's bedroom, "Gustave?" She wondered if she should wait a little longer? Give him a little more time to process?
Gustave said nothing. He was on his bed, laying down on his side, staring at the blue wall.
Christine looked down. He had apparently thrown a few of his books and pillows on the carpeted floor.
"Gustave," Christine waited, again he remained silent, but he had not told her to go. Christine closed the door and slowly approached the bed. She carefully stepped around the pillows and books.
Gustave still had not moved. Apparently, he was doing his best to ignore her.
That was alright. He could ignore her, yell, or remain silent if he wished. He had every right.
In many ways, Christine was still just thankful he was alive after yesterday. She was also relieved that he finally knew the truth. "I imagine you have a thousand questions."
Gustave looked like he wanted to say, "yes", but the words lodged in his throat. He swallowed, closed his eyes, and new tears streamed down his face and onto the bed.
"Shhhh," Christine put her hands together as she looked down. "You're hurt and you're angry and that's fair. You have every right."
Gustave continued to remain silent.
Christine fought back her own tears. "I am sorry, I have not been fair to you." She slowly sat down on the foot of the bed where his head lay. "I know I haven't. I'm so sorry for lying and not telling you about all this. I should have...I should have told you sooner. I know this is difficult." It was difficult on all of them. "I should have been more sensitive to what you were going through."
Christine should have known people at school might talk about such things. She supposed she and Erik never imagined Gustave hearing the whispers concerning them. They had not realized how far the gossip had spread. Looking back, they thought they were being careful. They thought they were protecting him. She should have known better. Christine knew even young people were not immune to gossip. She remembered her primary years and later at the Opera House how people, young and old loved to talk about the latest whispers.
Again, Gustave remained silent.
"When someone is dishonest with you or breaks your trust, it is very difficult to trust them again." Christine supposed she was speaking about all of them. Erik, Raoul, Gustave, and even herself. Erik's actions all those years ago, Raoul for acting so financially irresponsibly, Gustave's recent escapades, and finally Christine's own fibs. "Trust is very important," Christine concluded.
"Yes," Gustave murmured, finally speaking. "Yes, it is." He slowly sat up.
They both sat there in silence.
Gustave studied her, "Then why did you?" He retorted. "All this time, I don't understand," He sounded confused and hurt.
Christine closed her eyes. "This is...very complicated." She reopened her eyes. "This is...this is not easy." It was not easy on any of them. "It is all very confusing and...complicated," She said again.
Gustave frowned further. He was probably the most confused out of all of them.
Christine considered her next response, "Someday, if you are blessed with children, you will understand." So she hoped. "When you become a parent, you will do anything to protect your child." She paused," You will sometimes do things you never imagined doing." Christine never imagined carrying a great secret like this all these years.
Gustave's brow furrowed, "Even lie?"
Christine thought for a moment. If she could, would she have done anything differently?
She did not know, but she could not live with regrets forever.
"Yes," Christine said with a nod, "Sometimes, yes."
Once more, Gustave looked away. She knew he was scowling.
"I know this is all a lot to absorb. I knew this would be hard on you." Christine sighed. "For a long time, I thought I would tell you when you were older." Old enough to understand how grey and complex the world could be. "I thought you had been through enough changes the last few years." A new home, a new country, a new school, a new sibling, and a completely different life.
After a moment, Gustave gave a small nod as he clenched his jaw.
Christine knew this might...this would shatter his world. Though not beyond repair, so she prayed. "After your sister was born, I decided I could not wait, but your Father...Erik kept talking me out of it. I am not trying to make excuses. I just...I wanted to tell you at the right time and with everything going on," Their new life, the divorce, and then the baby, "There was never a right time." She sighed. Christine could only imagine how pathetic her excuses sounded. "I considered and planned to tell you this past spring." He and Erik could spend the summer getting to know one another. "Then you got that letter from your Father, from Raoul and you were so excited. I could not tell you after that." How could she? How could she take that away from him?
Gustave finally turned and looked at her. "What about last week? Back when I asked you about him...and you?" He sat up straight. "You two are together." It was not a question.
"Yes, Erik and I are a couple. It is..." Christine considered her next words. She and Erik were many different things—complicated. She finally decided on her choice of words, "Personal and private." At least they had tried. She and Erik had agreed early on to keep things private and see how things progressed.
Erik raised a puzzled brow, "Court you?"
Christine stood on the side of the organ. "Yes, privately that is, until we...figure things out." She was separated from Raoul, but still married and wanted avoid any further scandal. Christine had not quite made up her mind about what she was going to do. Was she really going to stay here in America with him? Was this going to work? Was she—were they making a mistake? Should she return to Paris and Raoul? Could she trust Erik? Christine honestly did not know what she wanted.
Sitting behind his organ, Erik scoffed at the idea. He lowered his sheet music and pressed his long fingertips together. "Surely we know each other rather intimately," He pointed out. He was not just referring to sex.
"After a ten year separation? I think there is a great deal we need to learn about one another." Christine paused, giving him time to consider her words. "You understand, I am not promising you anything yet. I still need to figure some things out." She paused again. "If you are not in agreement, you must tell me now." Christine wondered if he was having doubts or it was simply because this potential courtship went against his obvious plans.
Perhaps Erik saw her reasoning or he did not wish to argue. Regardless, he slowly nodded his head, "Very well," He said in agreement.
Christine almost shook her head. Nevermind any of that now, it seemed a lifetime ago.
Christine could not help but ask Gustave, "What did you see the other night?" She had wanted to ask this yesterday.
Gustave scowled and pressed his lips together. He wanted to ask the questions. Nor was he in the mood to discuss whatever he had seen.
"We can talk about it another time," Christine nodded and waited a moment.
"You two," Gustave replied, much to Christine's surprise. "You were singing...and kissing," He said quietly.
Singing?
Christine's eyes widened.
He went downstairs too?
Oh, Gustave, Christine silently fumed. She had assumed he had ridden out to the parking lot and the gate, but never imagined he made it that far inside. Christine could not believe this. She breathed in and out. She reigned in her anger and frustration.
Gustave did not seem to notice as he was weighing something. "Are you two married?" He frowned and seemed doubtful.
This question pulled Christine away from her thoughts and emotions. She had not expected that question though upon considering it, she could understand where he got that notion. For all he knew, they already were and in a way, she and Erik already were. They knew each other as husband and wife. They shared two children together. Christine knew Erik had referred to her as his wife on occasion, but there was no legal and binding document.
"No, Gustave." Christine firmly shook her head. "We are not married. I would not do anything like that without your knowledge." And perhaps even his blessing. Perhaps after he and Erik got more acquainted with one another.
Gustave frowned further. "Except the knowledge about my father," He mumbled.
Christine also frowned, she tried to reach for him. "And that was wrong, but..."
"But what?" Gustave said sharply, crossing his arms as he pulled away. "I told you I don't want to hear excuses," As he already stated.
"I know, Gustave. You are right." Christine said gently. She looked away. How could she make him see? Make him understand. "Look, I am not saying lying is okay. I don't like lies." It was never okay. Christine considered her words carefully. "Believe me, I have not enjoyed all these lies and secrets." It was such a tangled web, but as difficult as this was, she was happy to be free of them. She had lived with them for so long. Christine nearly sighed as she ran her fingers through a strand of her hair. "Everyone lies from time to time." Who hadn't? "Haven't you?"
Gustave said nothing, though he looked away and seemed to consider something.
Christine knew Gustave had lied about students at school who liked to bully him. She did not know why he had not told her. Maybe he was embarrassed or did not want her to worry. Though she had never caught him in anything serious. She then briefly recalled how she had lied to her father about breaking her grandmother's vase as a child and taking some candy. She also recalled her white lies to Professor and Mamma Valerius when she grew older, but not about anything serious as far as she recalled anyway.
Christine waited another moment, "The other day when you asked me about the rumors and Erik," She sighed, shaking her head. "Honestly, I did not know what to say." Christine nearly shrugged, "I don't even entirely recall my response." She believed she had denied it and made some excuse. "I was...I was upset."
Gustave nodded glumly, "I know." She suspected he was feeling a little guilty about his comments.
Christine put a hand on his back. Trying to soothe him. "It's okay, you did not know," She said softly. "It's not your fault. You should have known and I just...I did not know what to say." What else could she say? Yes, Gustave it's true. All of it. Also, Mr. Y is your father.
"Except lie," Gustave mumbled.
Christine pressed her lips together. "You are right. I should not have kept this. You should have already known," She said again. Christine saw that now. For awhile actually. "All people, even parents make mistakes." Everyone did, even her and she had made plenty of them. "I cannot undo the past, at the time, I did what I had to do." What she thought was right at the time.
Gustave made a puzzled face. "What you had..." His lower lip trembled. "So you just...forgot about your music teacher and married Father?" Gustave's head went left and right, new tears forming in his eyes. Frustration gathered in his voice, "Why did you marry Father? Did you ever love him? Does he know?" He asked sharply.
Christine knew he was going to ask all these questions. "Oh, no, Gustave. No, I loved your Father, Raoul and I never forgot about Erik." How could she? Gustave was in many ways, a smaller version of Erik. It was becoming more and more evident as he grew older.
"Look," Christine exhaled, she felt like they were spinning in circles. Where was the best place to start? Back at the beginning she supposed. It would be simpler. "Once upon another time there was a girl called Little Lotte. A foolish little girl who dreamed of meeting the Angel of Music her Father had promised to send before he passed away." She briefly wondered why she was referring to herself as Little Lotte, perhaps she just found it easier. It was so long ago and some of this was not easy to talk about.
Gustave gave a nod of sort. She believed she had mentioned some of this in the past.
Christine briefly mentioned Professor and Mama Valerius and how they later sent her to live and learn at the Paris Opera House. "Awhile after arriving at the Palais Garnier, she began hearing a voice. The most beautiful angelic, singing voice," She smiled. "She believed him to be the Angel of Music her father promised to send to her. The voice was so enchanted by her voice and amused by her praise."
"Are you the Angel?" A young Christine asked in the Opera's small chapel.
"What?" Asked the unseen voice.
Christine stood up and looked around, "An Angel, before Father went to heaven, he promised to send me the Angel of Music."
A moment passed, "Yes, child..." He sounded bemused. "Yes, I will be your Angel."
"He agreed to teach her about music and how to sing," Christine explained.
Gustave sat for a moment in deep thought. "The Opera Ghost," He answered with a nod.
Taken aback, Christine nodded. So Gustave understood Erik was the former Opera Ghost and her invisible Angel of Music. She sighed, she supposed that made sense. Christine recalled how he had heard stories from servants and other people years ago. Still, how had he known it was Erik himself? Perhaps it was the mask that made him connect the dots.
What else did Gustave know?
Christine bit her lower lip.
Christine decided to continue on with her story. That might be one way of learning what he knew and filling in any gaps or questions he might possess. "But Little Lotte did not understand this," Or did not wish to. "Time passed and the unseen teacher fell deeply in love with his Soprano. The Opera came under new management and this led to friction between them, the Opera Ghost, and the Opera's leading lady, Carlotta."
Gustave briefly smiled, something that did not go unnoticed by Christine. "And you took her place," He added.
"That's right," Christine could not help but smile in a moment of nostalgia. Thinking back to that evening. The performance, the music, the audience, and the applause. The world seemed much simpler at that glorious moment in time. "After her triumphant night as the leading lady, she met the Opera's new patron who also happened to be her former childhood sweetheart. The young and handsome Vicomte and the Angel became very jealous. So the unseen teacher, the Angel of Music revealed himself behind the magic mirror."
Gustave seemed intrigued by the mention of the mirror. Though that was hardly a surprise.
"He reached out his hand and pulled her into his dark world. They travelled down the secret passages and onto the gondola across the subterranean lake."
Gustave raised a brow in surprise and curiosity. "There's really a lake below the Opera House?"
"Yes," Christine was surprised he knew this. Not many people knew about the lake, at least not to her knowledge.
Slightly intrigued, Gustave asked, "And he really lived there?"
"Yes," Christine believed Erik had lived below the Opera House several years prior to her first lesson with the Angel. She suspected he had snuck in during the renovations.
Gustave looked both amazed and puzzled, "Why?" He was probably wondering why Erik did not live in a more traditional apartment or home. Even to this day, she doubted he had lived in a traditional home since he was a child.
Christine almost smiled, "He loved the Opera House, its architecture, performances, and music. He also felt no one would find him down there." She hesitated. "He has not had an easy life as you can imagine. Few people were ever kind to him."
Gustave reluctantly nodded. She believed he somewhat understood that.
"He spent the night singing. Telling her how he wished her to sing his musical compositions."
Gustave grew a little uncomfortable. "I don't want to know."
Christine was confused, "What?" Then her mouth made an o, realizing what he was thinking.
Before she could respond, Gustave quickly said, "If there's any kissing or anything, I don't want to hear it."
Christine nearly let out a little laugh. "No, nothing like that happened," She insisted. Not on that night anyway. Christine took a moment and then continued on, "Later, when the Soprano awoke, she went over to his organ where he was working. She came over to see what he was working on," Christine had never been that close to him.
"Who was that shape in the shadows?
Whose is the face in the mask?"
"She caressed his face and pulled off his mask."
Eyes widened, Gustave made a face, "That was rude."
Christine almost touched her temple, thinking about her foolishness. "Yes, I suppose it was," Looking back now, she supposed she thought he was a handsome man simply wearing a disguise or playing a game.
"Was he mad?" Gustave asked cautiously.
Christine gave a weak nod, "He was upset, but he soon expressed his sorrow and his longing to be loved. The Angel then took her back up to the Opera House." She paused, pressed her hands together. "Carlotta returned shortly afterward. The...Opera Ghost's tricks and friction with the new managers grew worse." Christine paused, "Time passed and Little Lotte grew close and soon became engaged to the Vicomte...and the Ghost's tricks grew worse and worse."
Gustave was clearly wondering what she meant by tricks. "What did he do?"
Christine paused. Perhaps she should have used another word.
Maybe Gustave could sense her discomfort, he paused and asked a more specific question. "Did he really bring down the chandelier?" Of course he knew about that.
Christine closed her eyes for a moment. Wondering if she should really do this? She supposed this was one of the reasons she wanted to wait until he was older. Christine pressed her lips together, "Yes, he did," She said quietly.
Gustave seemed confused, amazed, and appalled. "Why?"
Again, Christine hesitated, "He was...angry and jealous."
Gustave gestured with his hands. "But how did he? I m-mean," He sputtered, "Y-you can't just..." Gustave was clearly trying to wrap his mind around the very thought. "Just because—"
"To answer your first question, I'm not entirely certain how he did it." Erik had never given the exact details, nor would she ask. He knew all sorts of things about the Palais Garnier, the lake, the secret passages, and hidden stairways. Erik also knew all about architecture and construction, she doubted loosening the chandelier would have been any trouble at all.
"Still, you can't just..."
"No, one cannot, no matter how upset someone is. However, there are...people who lash out in strange ways. Sometimes unkind ways." Christine suddenly doubted herself and wished she had prepared better explanations. She looked down at her fidgeting hands. "I'm sure you've seen them at school." Like the bullies he dealt with or the student who had vandalized the boys' bathroom last year.
Gustave considered it and somewhat nodded, "But still—"
"I know, darling," Christine considered her next words. "Everyone has done regrettable things. We all have." She said quietly. Who was she to cast the first stone?
"Yes, I suppose," Gustave silently pondered this for a few moments. "Mom, you were right. This is...complicated."
Christine nearly laughed as she reached for his hand, squeezing his smaller fingers. "Yes, it is, I'm glad you see that." At least they were on the same page. A few moments later, Christine continued, actually feeling a little more at ease. "Finally, Raoul, the managers, the police, and others decided something had to be done. So, they planned to set a trap with Little Lotte...with me as the bait."
Gustave was taken aback, "You?" His eyes widened.
"Yes," Christine said with a small nod.
Gustave seemed to give this some thought. "Did you want to?"
Christine nearly laughed, "No, absolutely not." It was the last thing in the world she wanted to do. "I wanted no part in it. As I said back then, how can I betray the man who once inspired my voice? But in time, I understood I had to." Who else could have done it? Erik never would have gotten on stage for Carlotta, Meg, or anyone else. "So one night during a new opera, he disguised himself as the leading man and during the performance, I pulled off his mask."
Eyes widened, Gustave stared in disbelief. "You what?" He asked, making certain he heard that correctly.
Christine nodded in confirmation. "Everything happened at once." She was not even certain if she remembered all the details. "The audience and everyone gasped. Chaos erupted, a policeman fired a gun, the fire started, I don't even recall...everything happened at once." She repeated, touching her forehead. "He ran back down to his home below the Opera House, with me in tow. He was humiliated and upset. He tried to persuade me to marry him. Raoul followed...but he fell into one of his traps." She stopped, putting a hand over her mouth. Thinking back to that evening.
"Angel of Music, you deceived me
I gave my mind blindly."
"You try my patience—make your choice!"
"He told me to make my choice and so..." Christine's voice trailed off.
"Pitiful creature of darkness
What kind of life have you known?
God give me courage to show you
You are not alone..."
"I kissed him."
Gustave gave her a confused look.
"I kissed him. I showed him compassion." Christine explained. "Everyone needs compassion. Even sometimes...people that don't deserve it." They needed it most of all.
Gustave silently nodded.
"The Angel was so overcome with emotion, he released the pair of lovers and told us to flee before the mob found us all. Raoul and I took the gondola and we agreed to get married soon afterward."
They set the date just a few short weeks after the night of Don Juan Triumphant and the fire. Raoul had wanted to protect her from any scandal following the Opera Ghost whisking her off stage. For a day or two, Christine remembered being happy. She was going to marry Raoul. He was safe, she was safe. All the arrangements were being made. Everything was perfect.
So it seemed.
"I wanted to marry Raoul, I did," Christine explained. "But after everything that had happened, I was also worried about the Angel, about Erik." She was plagued with doubts. Was this a mistake? What about Erik? She constantly wondered what had happened to him. "There were all sorts of rumors flying around Paris." Some said he was alive, others said he was captured, or dead.
Gustave nodded.
"A few weeks later," Christine fidgeted with her fingers once more. "We met right before the wedding. I went to my father's—your grandfather's grave one evening and...we found one another. I was overcome with relief and joy upon seeing that he was alive. We spoke...we talked a lot that night." More than any of their singing lessons. "It was so dark that night and...and yet I saw him, the real him." Christine explained.
Gustave looked a little confused.
"The broken man yes, but the man he could be...I looked into his heart. Soul looked into soul that night." Christine's mouth remained parted. "I forgave him for his deception and past deeds. We held each other, talked, sang, and cried together over everything that had transpired and..." She paused. "That was the last time we saw each other until two years ago." She was reluctant to go into further detail regarding that night.
"And me?" Gustave wondered. Where did he fit into all this?
Christine considered her response as she thought back to that night.
France
Years ago...
A man and woman held each other closely as they feverishly kissed one another outside the cemetery under some trees.
The wind howled in the dark.
"—no!" Erik pulled away. "We can't." Uncertainty filled his voice.
"It's okay," Christine reached for him. "Shhh."
In the dark, she could still sense Erik shaking, doubts plaguing his mind.
"No more sorrow," Christine said to him for what must have been the tenth time that evening. Her words did not seem comfort him. She knew music and song would ease his mind and lift his spirits. Though what song could she sing? Christine thought back to their lessons and the various plays and operas she had watched, studied, and participated in over the years. A few moments later, she had her answer as she thought back to another young woman trying to comfort her fugitive lover.
"Away with sorrow
Away with remorse!" She sang.
Erik stiffened.
Christine took him by the hand, pulling him close.
"Come, I have forgiven you.
He hated you...and I love you!"
Erik grinned, "Ah, say it again, o that word so sweet!" He sang softly in that angelic voice, removing the loose strands of hair behind her ear.
Christine smiled back at him, "I love you, o Romeo!" She giggled. "I love you, o my—"
Erik suddenly whisked her off the ground.
Christine wrapped her arms around his neck. Feeling complete and safe.
The couple both started smiling, almost laughing as they sang and twirled around.
Erik and Christine's lips met and the dark universe became whole and perfect.
Their lips pulled apart and more song and notes flowed out of their mouths in perfect harmony.
"O bridal night!
O sweet night of love!
"Destiny
binds me to you for ever.
O sheer delight in living,
O all-powerful charms!"
Their lips met once more for a new kiss. This kiss was filled with a more burning heat, passion, and desire.
When Erik and Christine finally pulled apart, more song filled the night sky as he carried her off to his nearby sanctuary.
"Love," Christine answered. "You were brought about by love and music on that night. Never doubt that."
Gustave seemed to understand, though he still looked a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. A moment later, he asked, "And you never told Father?" He meant Raoul.
If only it had been that simple. "Darling, I was eighteen. I was eighteen, with child, and I was scared." Christine did not bother hiding the emotion from her voice. She knew little about children or being a mother. She had lost her own mother when she was very little and Mamma Valerius had recently passed away. Also, she was rather thin and the doctor had initially been concerned. "I did not know where your Father—where Erik was. He thought I would have a better life with Raoul. He left without telling me and...and I went ahead and married Raoul," Her voice trailed off. "Then I soon found out I was carrying you. Around that time, they found a body outside the Opera House, everyone thought...I thought he was dead."
At first, Christine was not convinced it was Erik. Denial, she supposed. After a time, she accepted that it must have been Erik. She guessed she never imagined him leaving France or the continent. Though now she knew her earlier instincts were correct. She should have known when she received letters from the Girys stating they had left France for America. They had left so abruptly. Again, Christine should have known that Erik would go to Madame Giry and he would cover his tracks well. Even going as far as to switch clothes with a dead, homeless man.
Christine silently remembered asking Erik about this weeks after their reunion.
Erik shrugged, "He was already dead."
That was not what she had asked.
He finally responded, "So you could get on with your life."
Gustave's eyes went from side to side as he processed this information.
Christine rubbed his back. "I wanted you to have a father. I did not want you growing up with a black mark hanging above your head." Just like Erik, albeit he had a very different mark throughout his life. "I did not want you branded a..." She was reluctant to utter the very word.
"A bastard," Gustave added somberly.
Christine's eyes narrowed. She was not particularly fond of that word nor Gustave speaking it aloud. However, she would let it slide this one time.
No, she had not wanted her child growing up the subject of whispers. That was one of the many reasons she never breathed a word of this to Raoul or anyone.
If Christine had told Raoul...she did not know. Now it seemed like a horrible, inconceivable idea, but at the time she supposed it had made sense. After a time, Christine convinced herself that keeping the secret was the right thing to do. She was not even certain until Gustave was born.
Christine supposed looking back now, she was hurting. Mourning. She had lost so much. Her father, Professor Valerius, Mamma, the Opera House, and then Erik. She just clung to Raoul and Gustave like a life raft.
How? How was she supposed to tell Raoul and one day Gustave the truth? How was she supposed to tell her son about his father? A man he would never even get to meet. How could she tell Raoul that she spent the night with the Angel of Music right before their wedding? Looking back now, maybe it would have helped bridge the distance, the invisible barrier that slowly grew and separated her and Raoul over the years. Even if he had not thrown her out, she wondered if he ever would have trusted her again. She doubted it, though she would hardly blame him. In time, maybe they would have worked past it.
Maybe...
As Christine said earlier, "Trust is very important."
Christine would never know now. She imagined she would always regret that decision.
Though she did not regret trying to protect her son.
Christine remembered promising newborn Gustave that he would have a good life. He would have what she lost too soon, two loving parents. He would have all the things Erik never had growing up. A happy home and a good life.
Christine pressed her lips together, she had not exactly kept that promise. Nor the one she made to Raoul on their wedding day.
Yes, she should have told Raoul, but she was afraid. If he had thrown her out, what would she do? Where would she go? The Opera House was still in disrepair at the time. She had no siblings and her parents were deceased. Her guardians, Mama and Professor Valerius had passed away. She never relished the idea of showing up at her Swedish cousins' doorstep, with a baby in her arms, and in need of shelter.
After a time, she figured if she stayed quiet, no one would know. For a long time, no one did or so it seemed.
A few, mainly Raoul's sister Sarah had made a few snide remarks over the years about how "un-de Chagny-like" Gustave seemed. For a long time, as far as Christine knew, Raoul had brushed it off. Though at some point, he figured it out.
She would never forget reading that letter Raoul had sent her.
Do you honestly believe I did not already possess some inkling? Why did he of all people have to confirm it?
So you married me for all these reasons? But could not tell me.
I get it.
I hate it, but I get it.
But why did you turn around and soil yourself with him? Or were you sleeping with him all along?
Why couldn't you just be honest with me?
Was any of it real?
Christine had written two or three letters of explanations and apologies. Though she doubted Raoul had accepted any of them. He had probably tossed or burned them. She did not blame him.
Christine had long wondered why he had never confronted her? Because he already suspected? She supposed that was possibly another reason he had decided to leave the continent the night of her performance two years ago.
Christine wondered how Raoul or even Gustave knew.
Perhaps Raoul may have pondered Sarah's words, piecing some of it together, or maybe he always had suspicions. She was not certain.
As for Gustave, maybe he too always had suspicions over his short life. Possibly even over the summer, Gustave had observed Raoul and had seen the differences between them. Their personalities and interests. Gustave loved reading, drawing, and of course music. While Raoul loved hunting, sailing, and gambling. Gustave disliked hunting, card games, and sailing made him nauseous. Raoul could never draw, enjoyed music, but never held the same passion Christine and Gustave shared.
Now both Gustave and Raoul loved horseback riding. They would often get up early, ride out along the French country hillside, and watch the sunrise. Raoul had also tried to teach him fencing, but it was not Gustave's talent. Christine believed he enjoyed the attention from Raoul and the instructor. Even swishing the practice sword around, pretending to be a knight or musketeer.
Christine finally spoke once more, "You are so incredibly blessed."
Gustave raised a brow.
"You have two fathers," Christine pointed out. "There are so many people who never had one or lost theirs too soon." As she had. "You have been blessed with two fathers. Neither are perfect," As he probably saw. "But they both love you equally and yes, your Father, Raoul knows." She added, she believed he had asked that earlier.
Gustave's closed his eyes, new tears leaking. "Yes..." He briefly smiled and nodded. "Yes, I heard him arguing with Aunt Sarah over the summer."
Christine bit her tongue. Biting back the curse word she wanted to call her former sister-in-law. "Oh, darling," She held back new tears, she wished she had known.
Christine wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close.
Gustave leaned against her.
"He loves you," Christine whispered. "You are still legally recognized as Raoul de Chagny's son." So he had some protection in that regard. Though rumors may follow him and especially Isabel as she grew older. Though she prayed not. It was not their fault. "Raoul loves you very much. So does Erik." She hoped he would one day see that.
Gustave wiped away his tears. He almost shrugged as he considered something, "But we're nothing alike." He meant him and Erik.
Christine held back the urge to laugh, "Yes, you are!"
"No, we're not," Gustave argued.
"Oh, you are," Christine nodded, she smiled, but still held back laughter that threatened to escape.
Gustave seemed to noticed her amused expression. "How?" He asked, arms crossed.
Christine nearly grinned, "You have his brilliant, cunning mind." She slowly shook her head. "Sneaking out of the house like that?" Twice. "You did not get that from me."
Gustave nearly groaned. He was probably thinking about how he was never going to hear the end of it.
Christine smiled at him. "You also have his feet and long legs." She had noticed this over the last few years. "I think you're going to be tall like him."
Gustave eagerly nodded, he seemed to like the idea of being tall like Erik. There was something else on his mind too. "Did he really do all those things? At the Opera Populaire?"
Christine opened her mouth, bit her lower lip. "I don't know what you've heard or perhaps figured out." He was so incredibly smart, like Erik. "Obviously he can't suck people's blood or melt them with the heat of his eyes." As Madame Giry used to tell people at the Palais Garnier.
Gustave almost smiled, then frowned again.
Christine returned the smile, then lowered it. Considering her words and this...heavy subject. "However, a few of those things...some of them may be true." She paused. "I want to talk about them with you, I do, but another day?" She looked at Gustave. Maybe when he was a little older too. "I think we already have a great deal to discuss."
Gustave briefly reflected on this, he nodded, "Okay."
Christine exhaled, "The important thing is that...he understands what he did was wrong. I have forgiven him, and so have other people like Madame Giry and Daroga." Forgiven or they had found some way to get past it. "That's what matters."
Gustave frowned, weighing her words. He scratched his head. Maybe he was wondering and worrying if he would one day act like Erik.
Christine could understand where Gustave got that notion. She pulled him close. "The real difference between the pair of you is that you grew up with people and parents who love you and showed you right from wrong. He did not."
Gustave nodded in understanding. "I suppose that makes sense." A few moments later he asked, "Why does he look... I mean, is it catching?" Gustave gestured towards his face, "Will I look like that when I'm older? Or did he get hurt?" Concern filled his voice.
Christine knew some liked to speculate on why Erik wore the mask. Some believe he wore it out of mystery and theatrics. Some said he was mauled by an animal in a side show performance. Others said it was military service. Christine had no idea where some of those stories even came from. Maybe some workers' mere speculation on why he wore a mask or Erik had started them.
"No, darling," Christine shook her head. "No, he was just born that way."
Eyes widened, Gustave made a shocked and puzzled face. "W-why? What happened?"
Christine shook her head. "I don't know, perhaps his mother had a difficult delivery, or she fell ill while carrying him, or there may have been nothing wrong." She did not know. She gave a small shrug. "Sometimes...sometimes things just happen. There's no rhyme or reason." Life was never supposed to be easy.
"What about his parents?" Gustave asked.
Christine wished she had better answers about his grandparents. "His father was a masoner, I believe he died before his birth." That was all he ever said on the man. He had never even mentioned his name. "His mother...I don't know." She shook her head. "All I know is that she could not bear to look at him and...she never even held him." Christine did not even know her name either or what she looked like. Though she had her suspicions.
Gustave blinked several times as he digested this. "She never..."
"No, she did not." Christine shook her head. She briefly recalled how stiffly and awkwardly Erik felt when she kissed him and held him that night in his lair. "I cannot even imagine." Never being held by her parents and loved ones. Never even holding her own child.
"No," Gustave looked very sad as he shook his head, "I can't either."
Christine swallowed the lump in her throat. "I don't believe either of them had any...imperfections." She cleared her throat. Unless they were not as severe. Otherwise, it would not have been so shocking or appalling to his mother. Christine guessed the woman might have been more accepting of her son if she or her husband had any themselves. Again, these were only her speculations.
"Does he look like Isabel? I mean, besides his..." Gustave gestured at his own face. "Imperfections?" He borrowed her word from earlier.
Christine quietly considered her own thoughts and speculations. She sometimes imagined that Erik looked like his father, but lacked half of his face. Maybe that was another reason his mother could not bear to look at him. Everytime she looked at him, she saw half the face of her late husband. As for Isabel, she and Erik shared several of the same features. She seemed to possess a completed version of his nose, her hair was thin like his, only golden instead of grey. Still there were differences, it made her wonder. Christine disliked gambling, but if she were to wager anything, she would bet that Isabel resembled Erik's mother. One would never even guess that by the way Erik treasured and adored his daughter. Though there was a brief conversation after Isabel's birth that made Christine wonder.
They were sitting in the sun room as Christine nursed Isabel. She studied the baby's beautiful light brown hair. "What color was your hair when you were little?" It was one of the few times she had asked about his childhood.
Erik gave half a shrug while he traced the baby's soft skin, "Uh, brown, I think." He touched his wig. "It changed."
Christine suspected his hair had greyed early.
"Now my m—" Realization seemed to dawn on Erik's face. He said nothing further on the subject after that.
Christine guessed he was about to reply that his mother's hair had been blonde. Maybe she even resembled her in other ways. Christine could never prove it. Nor would Erik tell her if she asked, he may not even remember, or he simply did not wish to.
Christine paused, perhaps she would share her suspicions another time. Not today. They already had a great deal to discuss. "I think so, they have the same chin. Actually all three of you do." She brushed his chin with the tip of her finger.
Gustave touched his own chin.
"And they both have the most beautiful eyes," Christine added while smiling.
Gustave nodded in agreement. "Yes, they do."
Christine paused as she reached for his shoulder. "I know he's not a perfect man, and I'm not referring to his face." Erik was moody, possessive, secretive, self-loathing, and quick to anger. And yet those faults only made her love him more. "I love him, he loves me, and we both love you." She brushed the back of his head and kissed his head. "You and your sister equally," Christine added. She hoped he understood that.
Gustave sat there frowning, considered something, "So you're together, but you're not married."
Christine felt a little uncomfortable. Like most parents, she taught her son that children came after marriage. Though he obviously now understood that was not always the case.
"Are you going to someday?"
Christine gave a warm smile. "That is a possibility." Very probable, but not yet.
Gustave hesitated, he looked down, "Am I...or Isabel the real reason you and Father got a divorce?" He looked back up at her.
Christine closed her eyes and reopened them. "It had nothing to do with you or Isabel." She would not have Gustave blaming himself or his sister. Christine touched her temple "A marriage is between a husband and wife. I had already filed and planned to divorce. I will always love Raoul. I just...sometimes, you can't go back." They had broken each other's trust. There was too much hurt. "I am happy here. I did not know I was with child until afterward."
Christine and Erik should have waited until the divorce was finalized. At first, they planned to wait. They decided they had waited ten years, they could wait a little longer. They enjoyed their conversations, long walks, singing, and making music together. After the 1906 New Year, their passions and emotions got the better of them. They slept with one another because they loved and burned for each other.
Christine had planned to have this conversation in a few more years. "Sometimes...sometimes, when two people really love one another, they..."
Gustave made a face, as if he just heard something distasteful. "I don't want to know. I mean, I understand grown-ups do things and it involves kissing, but..." That horrified look remained.
Christine briefly smiled in relief. She tried not to laugh at his expression. He was eleven and still her little boy thankfully. Though she would not be surprised if the boys at school talked like people whispered about such things when she was younger. She hoped not.
They sat there for a moment or two, then Gustave looked up at her, "Is it strange, even though that Raoul isn't my...that I miss him anyway?" She knew that while he liked his new life here in New York, he sometimes missed France. He missed his friend, Violet, his pony, and of course Raoul.
"No, not at all," Christine said reassuringly. "That is only natural." Raoul was the only father he had ever known.
Gustave ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not that I...dislike Mr.—Erik anymore," He explained. "I just...I don't know him." He gave a little shrug. "I mean, I understand he's had an awful life, but I don't understand him." He shook his head, "I don't know him."
Yes, Erik was a mystery.
Gustave did not understand all of Erik's actions. Why he did some of those things at the Palais Garnier? Why he never said anything to Gustave or reached out to him? Especially when they had been in such close proximity the last two years.
Christine nodded as she looked at her son. "And I completely understand that. I know I can't force you—both of you into having a relationship." Maybe Christine had once naively believed so, but she understood she could not. They needed to figure this out for themselves. "No one expects that of you. Not until you're ready," She said reassuringly.
Gustave looked down, "What if I'm never ready?" He was also asking what if he never wanted to?
Christine hoped not, "That would be quite a shame, because he is an amazing father."
Gustave made an unhappy face. He was probably thinking about how he saw Erik holding Isabel. "But he's a stranger to me."
Christine nearly sighed and looked down, "You're right, he is," She looked back over at him. "Do you know what the really amazing thing is?"
Gustave shook his head.
"When Erik found out about you, he did not just try and come in and claim you." Christine initially thought he might. She did not know how well that would have gone over. "He could have, but he did not, because he felt terrible over...over what happened when he unmasked himself to you and he tried to respect your feelings."
Gustave blinked and made a puzzled face. "Is that why he..." He gestured towards his own face. "He knew?"
To this day, Christine was surprised Erik had unmasked himself to Gustave. To her knowledge, he had never done that for anyone. Even her, until the past two years. She guessed Erik had felt that he and Gustave were kindred spirits and that his own flesh and blood would accept him. "Erik suspected, yes and I told him shortly afterward."
Gustave nodded in realization, as if something suddenly made sense. He gave a small, "Oh."
"So he stayed back. He is waiting." Though Christine knew Erik still believed Gustave would never truly accept him. After the life he had led, it was hard for him to believe otherwise.
"Why?" Gustave asked.
Christine squeezed his hand, "Because he really loves you." She paused, "I'm not going to tell you how you should feel or what you should do, but I do think it's really important for you to know Erik only wants what's best for you." She smiled warmly. "He is your natural father and I hope that one day, when you're ready, you'll get to know him." It did not have to be today or tomorrow, but someday.
Gustave nodded, pondering on her words. He had a great deal to think on.
Christine tried to think of anything she needed to say, but she could not. She waited a moment for Gustave to reply or ask another question, but he did not.
"And I'm very sorry I lied." Christine concluded. She felt the need to say it once more. She waited a few moments. "Are we okay? Do you have any other questions? Is there...anything else we need to discuss?" She did not believe so, but wanted to be certain.
Gustave considered this, "I don't...don't think so." He sounded uncertain and a little overwhelmed, but that was understandable. He probably still had a hundred other questions nagging at the back of his mind, but they could wait.
Christine pressed a gentle hand on his back. "Would you like me to stay or go?" She asked, she was unsure what he wanted.
"I'll be fine," Gustave replied. He probably just wanted a little time to himself.
"Alright, I'll come check on you later." Christine reached over, kissed the top of his head and left the room.
Well? Once again, I'm incredibly nervous. I struggled with certain points of this chapter. I want Christine to seem realistic and I worried she would come across as cold towards Gustave, particularly at the beginning of the chapter. Delving into why she never told Raoul was a little challenging too. Also, how much does one tell Gustave? I worried if he's being told too little or far too much. I mean he's still fairly young in the story, I can understand why Christine would want to wait to tell him about some of this. Then again, he already has some idea of what happened during POTO. I also struggled on whether Christine should tell the story from first or third person point of view.
Trivia: The flashbacks were a later addition. I had a hard time naming this chapter, but came up with the name after adding the flashbacks. The song is from the Romeo and Juliet musical. In the original novel, Erik sings the line, "Fate links thee to me for ever and a day." I've seen it used in a few other fics, discussed online, and I really wanted to use it in my own story. It's from Romeo and Juliet's wedding night, Juliet has forgiven fugitive Romeo for killing her cousin, Tybalt. While Christine has forgiven fugitive Erik for his past actions during their one night stand. Here is a link to a blog that discusses it: alvadee dot tumblr dot com/post/63562555695/the-music-of-gaston-lerouxs-the-phantom-of-the
People did not understand much about genetics or birth defects at this time. The Father of Modern Genetics, Gregor Mendel had already passed away, but his work was starting to be more recognized around this time period. Though I don't know how much of his work would be common knowledge at this point. Probably more among scientists and maybe universities.
A few of Christine's thoughts on Erik's parents are my own. My guess has long been that Erik's parents had no birth defects or if they did, they were very minor. Otherwise, it probably would not have been so appalling to his mother. I also believe that one or possibly even both his parents had recessive genes and poor Erik just got incredibly unlucky in the genetics lottery.
I'm thinking of doing a oneshot or possible bonus chapter with Raoul. While he's not in this story, but still plays something of a role.
Next chapter: Erik and Isabel, Christine/Erik, and possible Erik and Gustave?
I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think and leave a review.