Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any of its characters. The "Flufftober 2021" prompt list is by Flufftober2021 of Tumblr. Lowkey just had a craving for RiddleBat again, right out of the blue.

*Takes place during the PI Eddie arc. Mentions of nearly drowning and vomitting. Also as a disclaimer, I have no idea how head trauma works, so the descriptions may not be the most accurate thing ;-; .

When Love is a Bad Word

(Flufftober 2021 Day 7 – "Meddling Friends")

"Come on, Ed! When's the last time you really cut loose, huh?"

A gloved hand neatly snatched the manilla folder out of Harley's grasp. "Last month. I was tied to a chair by several dolts that wanted to stop me from solving that case. A small razor one of them dropped when I broke their nose with my forehead was all it took to get free." Green eyes stayed locked on the computer screen in front of him. "Does that answer your question, Harley?"

The blonde huffed, leaning back onto the top of Edward's desk chair. With her butt on the corner of his desk and her back all contorted to swoon against the chair, it was a wonder how she was still upright.

"No, Ed, I mean like datin'!" Harley hummed, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what was now going through her head. "You know! The whole romantic candlelit dinner thing! The moonlight dancin'! The robberies and kisses made while layin down the night guards! The whole shebang!"

"Harley, sweetie, let Eddie focus on his work."

"Yeah, and if we could not talk about his love life, that would be fantastic. I already know there's a stick up his ass, I don't need to know who else is."

The line of his jaw tightened, but his eyes didn't stray from the screen. "Thank you, Selina, though your garden weed in the seat next to you needs silencing again. I don't take kindly to insults."

Ivy scoffed, glaring at the man opposite of her. "We paid you a load of money to do this, even more than you charge your average customers, so if I want to insult you, I earned the right to do it."

Before Edward could say anything in return, Harley piped up. "Oh, I just gave Eddie extra, Red," she said, defusing the other conversation with a wave of her hand. A manic grin stretched across her face. "That's why I'm askin' him about his datin' life! I wanna know what kinda lover he plans to spend it on."

Edward flicked open the folder with a free hand. "I'll most likely spend it on dry cleaning. Maybe a few extra bottles of mango-flavored chardonnay wine for one if I'm feeling wild enough."

The blonde groaned, pushing her back against the chair. "Oh, come onnnn!"

"Not to cut in when I said I didn't want to talk about your love life anymore, but that's pretty pathetic, even for you, Nygma."

Two of his fingers flicked out against his desktop, one of the few tells he knew Selina would pick up on. "Selina…"

A hum came from the beautiful woman. Her eyebrow lifted, and one of her manicured hands cupped her face. "I don't know, Eddie… Maybe Harley's right? It does seem a little sad spending so much time alone."

"Yes, well, I'm not of the mindset that I have to bring a new person home with me every night," he snapped. "Just because you're currently in a steady relationship doesn't mean that your libido packed up and moved to me."

Selina rolled her eyes, brushing off the insult with a simple wave of her hand.

Harley wiggled, then jerked so suddenly that Edward was jostled from his serious posture. "Wait! What if we helped ya get a date, Ed?!"

Ivy straightened in her seat. "Oh no!" she cried, already leaping out of her seat while one of her girlfriends cackled in Edward's ear. "We're just here to get him to figure out who's been screwing us over and nothing else! I'm not going to search the entirety of the Earth trying to find someone that can stand to be with him for longer than five minutes!"

Selina tapped a finger against her cheek, ever the calm figure. "I don't know… We don't know many people that Eddie hasn't already pissed off."

"But think about it!" Harley hopped off the side of the desk, already swept up in her fantastical plan. "We help get him a guy that he can date, and then he'll be all starry-eyed and get all the lovey-dovey feelings we get when we're with each other."

Edward's mind finally pushed down the utter surprise, and with a rough shake of his head, he waved a hand at Harley. "I- I have no idea what to say to that beyond, 'Who on Earth would you even think to set me up with?'"

Harley fell quiet, or at least, hummed to herself. Ivy huffed and fell back into her chair, gesturing to the blonde as if to say that Ivy was right.

"Oh! I got one!" Harley whipped out her phone, tapping away at the screen. "Okay, okay, my girls, what… about…"

Selina and Ivy shared a look, then reluctantly pulled out their phones. Smiles, twin pairs of mischief-lined grins, spread across their faces. Their eyes flicked up to center on him, then lowered back down to the phone. Fingers tapped against the screens.

The silence the three Sirens gave him—the heavy, up-to-no-good silence—gave Edward the final push he needed to get the case figured out as quickly as possible.

"I found your culprit," he stated five minutes later. Unease wormed through his chest when neither Ivy nor Selina looked up from their phones. He raised a brow, then cleared his throat.

"Yeah, yeah, Nygma, we heard you the first time. Just tell us what's going on."

He leaned back in his chair, willing his patience to hold out for just a little longer. "Kirigo. Your museum informant? Somehow, he got ahold of your bank accounts and has been syphoning more money away from the black-market deals and has been tipping off some of the bigger corporations to Ivy's plans for, what else, more money." He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose under his glasses. "If the three of you hadn't been distracting me for so long, I would have deduced the perpetrator ten minutes earlier."

Ivy stood, snatching up the folder of information from Edward's desk. "You figured out the guy who did it, right? So, we still got the answer we wanted, Nygma. Not everything has to be a testament to your supposed 'genius.'"

He smiled so sweetly it would have given a Girl Scout a run for their money. "It's not like you would have been able to figure it out yourself, Pamela. Even if I was stupid enough to give you the wrong answer, you would spend countless days of your time trying to find the real culprit." Gloved fingers linked into a fist. "But by all means, believe your delusions of self-grandeur a little longer…"

Before Ivy could say anything, Harley was pulling her at the arm and Selina was rising from her chair. "Come on, Red!" Harley chortled. "Now that we know who it is, it's time for the fun part!"

Ivy sent Edward a sharp glare before she looked back to the blonde. A sadistic smile graced her lips, and she rolled out her shoulders and neck. "About time I get back at that guy for screwing up all my plans…"

The three turned to go.

"Good luck on your quest, fair daemons," Edward called out, turning his attention back to his computer. "May you finally leave me in peace to do my work."

Just before the door closed, the phrases 'Oh yeah! Do you think our secret plan will work out?' from Harley and 'If we go through with though, can I be the one to hit him with the shovel?' from Ivy reached his ears.

A good portion of his mind excused it as something the three Sirens were going to do for their perpetrator, but another part of his mind, the part that had the highest chance of being right, suggested that maybe he should keep an eye out for himself over the next few days.

So… There had indeed been a shovel. There had also been three bottles of wine, a rubber chicken, and the full force of Selina's rolled up bullwhip. It was a miracle his skull hadn't shattered, but the growing ache in his brain suggested some form of concussion instead.

Just the luck he had after letting the Sirens go about their business without meddling in their planning process.

Water rose up from his chest, and before Edward could stop it, he was rolling over and vomiting water onto the concrete. Coughs wracked his body, and harsh gulps of air tore at his lungs.

It was over in an instant. The moment he caught his breath, all of his energy left him, and he flopped back onto his back, groaning with the growing ache in his head. A hand rose up to cover his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

The hand pulled down his face, and Edward's eyes popped open.

Batman—because of course the Dark Knight would save him, because of course he would—loomed over Edward's face. The same faint blue eyes that calculated the way through all of Edward's puzzles peered down at him, studying him for any further signs of damage.

Something close to worry lined the hero's face. Obviously, Batman wasn't one to outwardly show how he felt, but the edges of his mouth curled into a familiar frown and care filled the eyes that roamed over the battered limbs of Edward's body.

Had… Had the Sirens really been trying to set him up with his former nemesis? Batman? Out of everyone in Gotham?

"Never better, Dark Knight." His eyes rolled up, and a pained grunt left him. "Positively peachy…"

"I would appreciate it if you weren't being sarcastic, Edward." The low voice rolled over him, and a thrill rushed through the former villain's body at the sound. "I can see that you were in some kind of altercation. A relatively bad one, if some of the gashes on your arms and chest are anything to go by."

His eyes started to droop shut, then opened again when a thick glove gently patted at his cheek.

"I need you to stay awake for now, Edward. Was there anyone you came in contact with recently who would want to try to drown you?"

"There are many people that tend to feel that way about me, Dark Knight." A touch of hysteria pushed a bark of laughter out of his burning throat. "Would you believe me if I said that this was an unprovoked attack?"

"…Not particularly, though I did see that Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn all had their sights on you." The hero paused, grunting with annoyance. "I'll be interviewing them once you're in a safe place."

Another bubble of laughter left Edward. "I wish I could be there for when it happens. Apparently, they were eager for me to get out of my office more and this was their solution."

"…A murder attempt?"

"Three out of the four of us were all in the madhouse, Dark Knight, so it shouldn't be such a shock that such an occurrence happened." The memories of Harley asking him about his love life flitted through his conscious. Pain thrummed in his joints, and as Edward reached up to brush the wet hair off his forehead, his eyes began to dip shut. "Now… and this was the stupidest thing… they… wanted me… to…"

Another few taps from Batman's glove kept him from passing out. The gravelly voice spoke, no doubt into a com link, and demanded the associate on the other end call to let the Thompkins clinic know that he was bringing in a new patient.

Edward's mind, still fighting off the effects of nearly drowning and a concussion, organized the pieces of the situation. He was wet. Water. That meant the Gotham River. He had been underwater… He had thrown up the water from his lungs…

A slight shine stood out on Batman's lips.

Edward snorted, almost delirious. "Did you kiss me, Dark Knight?"

Batman paused at that, and Edward could only imagine the raised eyebrows hidden under the cowl. "No. I performed CPR."

"A 'Kiss of Life…'" A hum left the former villain. "Do you love me that much? Couldn't stand the thought of losing me, hm?"

"I think it's time we got you to a hospital."

"No, no…" His head pushed back against the ground, and the wide smile pulling at the corners of his mouth refused to stop. "Let's look up at the stars, Dark Knight. I'm more than familiar with the constellations and the planetary alignments. A perfect date idea, wouldn't you agree?"

Just before Edward could say anything else, strong arms scooped him off the ground as if he weighed nothing. Kevlar armor, and the sharp outline of the Bat symbol, met the right side of Edward's head. Gauntlets bumped against Edward's knees, but the guards on the sides didn't poke into his calves.

And suddenly, Batman was walking with his cape swishing behind him.

Something about the situation made the crazy, utterly deranged part of Edward's brain run feral. It was different from the other times Batman had carried him; those times were either an over-the-shoulder carry or something close to a fireman's carry. This was a bridal style, a caring hold that brought his head close to Batman's heart.

Batman hadn't ever held him like that before.

Nothing stopped the rush of warmth filling up Edward's chest and cheeks. He pressed his head harder against the armored shoulder, loopy with pain and near hysterical at the situation.

And suddenly, the wonderful sensation was over.

Leather, an all-too-familiar smell that filled the Batmobile, touched the bare parts of his skin. A strong-backed chair rose up along his spine. Edward sagged against the seat, too weary to try and shimmy around…

His eyes closed, and when they opened, a gloved hand gently pressed over his forehead.

"It will be a fifteen-minute drive over to the Thompkins clinic. In case you feel nauseous or faint, let me know."

He was in the passenger's seat of the Batmobile… he had never been in that seat before…

There was no doubt in his mind that the gross, goofy smile he wore would go away hours after this was over. So many things that he hadn't ever experienced before, and with a much more caring hand than most of his other experiences with the Dark Knight.

A soft rumble ran up his body. The car moved, jetting forward in the usual screeching fashion. Comfortable silence settled over the occupants.

It wasn't long before Batman spoke up. "This is unrelated, but I figure I might ask… How have you been coming along on the Dreads case?"

Fragmented thoughts popped into Edward's mind. "Ah. Yes. That." He cleared his throat, fighting to keep back a growing wave of nausea and struggling to organize his thoughts. "I've finished analyzing the first scene's clues, and have been working through the second's. Only a few patterns have been beginning to show… The perpetrator is a lot craftier than what I first hypothesized."

He expected a touch of dry sarcasm in response. Batman was a man of few words, but there were times when he would let out a biting retort. Most of them happened when Edward was in the Batmobile, but those were also the times when he had filled his Riddler persona…

"That's good to hear." The detective's voice was low. "…I have a guess as to what your answer will be, but if you need assistance in running through the rest of the evidence while you're recovering, I'm willing to offer a few hours in the evening tomorrow."

Edward scoffed, lifting up a shaky hand to give Batman a dismissive wave. "Dark Knight, I am perfectly capable of piecing together the evidence on my own…"

A sigh came from beside him. Not a tired one. One of concern.

"…That being said…" Heat touched the line of his cheekbone. "I would not mind your company if you decided to come around to my residence tomorrow."

Did that count as a date invitation?

Before Batman could say anything, Edward forced an arrogant sneer onto his face and flopped his head to his left. "I'll need to show you how it's done, really. Can't have you carrying the number one detective title if you can't solve crimes as fast as I can."

Instead of a huff, a ghost of a smile appeared on Batman's mouth. "I'll see what I can do regarding my patrol tomorrow."

Edward rolled his head back to his right, letting the seatbelt cradle his aching head. His muscles relaxed into the seat, washing away his tension. His eyelids began to droop…

A firm hand patted his shoulder. "We're almost there. Leslie will check you over, and then you'll be able to sleep."

Edward hummed. As the Batmobile sped toward the clinic, he focused on delaying the urge to sleep. A small part of his mind, the little voice whispering into his stream of conscious, held onto the fact that tomorrow evening, he would be seeing the Dark Knight yet again.

"And just so you know, I am concerned for your safety. You've done a lot of good work over the past few months, and it would be a tragedy if you were seriously hurt."

The smile stayed plastered all over Edward's face.

For all it was worth, maybe the Sirens had done some good with their scheme after all…

Song Inspo: "L*** Is a Bad Word" by Kiiara and "E.n.I.G.M.A." by Miss Amani.

This took me forever and a half to finish, but HHH this is finally done. I don't know how sturdy the ending is, but I'm glad I was able to get this finished for Flufftober. Thank you all so much for reading and supporting, and I hope you all enjoyed! :D