Reviews and criticism are welcome, but I'm not accepting any requests/suggestions. Guest reviews that do that will be ZAPPED!
Sauce: Gamer Bread ad; "A Meat Bicycle Built for Two" Borderlands 2
"But before we start...let's hear a word from our sponsor!" Bob suddenly exclaimed as he walked away from the center of the room.
"Uh, say that again?" Blake stuttered out. The screen was, for the first time in quite some time, now on and playing the advertisement, much to the confusion of many.
The opening scene showcased a generically handsome pair of Huntsmen in a plain grass field that, judging by the black smoking corpses around them, just finished killing a whole pack of Grimm.
"To be in constant tip top shape, you need FUEL!" A generically action-sounding narrator spoke.
"Introducing HUNTSMAN BREAD! The world's first HIGH-PERFORMANCE BREAD made for HUNSTMEN & HUNTRESSES!"
A black bag, that had the words HUNTSMAN BREAD written all over it, was presented on a fairly lit gray background. In the next shot the bag was zipped open, and from it fell out pieces of ordinary-looking white bread.
"Wait, what? Is this for real?!" Jaune was completely flabbergasted, as were most of his peers, as he wondered who in their right mind would sell something like this.
"That looks delicious, so it's good enough for me!" Nora happily chirped.
Arthur could not believe that even Ozpin would stoop so low to accept mental ward cases with perception of a half-blind drunk if they seriously couldn't notice the godsdamned disclaimer on the bottom how the product isn't real.
"It's got an AMBIDEXTROUS GRIP, strengthens TRIGGER FINGERS and improves DEXTERITY!" the narrator added as the ad showed hands performing some very simple tricks that was showing it's impressive ergonomic design.
"It does all that, huh? Guess it's perfect for..." the blonde brawler started.
"Yang, please don't." Ruby pleaded.
"A bread-cercise!"
"Ugh..." Ruby groaned, while Yang's smile represented the amount of fucks given to her sister's reaction.
"And when you're done, FUEL up with MAXIMUM CALORIC DENSITY for MAXIMUM FOCUS!" as the Huntsman from the beginning took a massive bite out of a plain slice of Huntsman bread(tm), the the scene transitioned into one where the Huntress is using a piece of the bread to clean her weapon.
"DUAL FUNCTIONALITY also cleans your weapons! Order now at )*##% #& )%(!#%!"
'Imaginary product advert as filler? Eh, could be worse I guess.' Sun thought.
'This is just mindless garbage. For making me watch this, I will find a way to make you pay, Bob, if that is your real name...' were Cinder's own thoughts, while on the outside she looked bored out of her mind.
"Wait, what happened there? Was that supposed to be the website address or...?" Qrow asked, expecting Bob's swift answer that came out...well, swiftly.
"Ye, it was s'pposed to be that, but fer the lyfe of me I can't find out why it won't show 'em. Happens with every site I try to present on the screen - pisses me off to no end.. Funny enough, I actually have a theater screen that does show website addresses but I forgot where I archived it..."
"Bob, is this really a 'sponsor' or did you make something up?" asked Blake with an annoyed expression on her face.
"Dunno - ya tell me."
Bob chuckled as he skedaddled to the other side of the room, out of sight of his guests.
The story begins in the desert plains of Pandora, where there is as much sand as the eye can see. Truly - the place is literally in the middle of goddamn nowhere. And yet, humanity manages to survive even in harsh environments such as these, mostly by forming settlements around some sort of lifeline they can hold on to - usually being a water source. Some settlements manage to pull themselves together and thrive, while others...
Not so much.
If we were to be precise, our story (which was accompanied by a soothing synth tune that played in the background) begins in such a settlement, now reduced to rusted, metal wreckage that is adored with an occasional corpse that the resident Psychos left for shits and giggles or is occupied by some visitors, mostly bandits and scavengers looking to pillage whatever leftovers there are.
"Place sure does look friendly. Don't recognize it though, and I've been through Vacuo already." Qrow commented.
"Care to shed some light on this, Mr. Bob?" Oobleck asked, as he adjusted his glasses.
"Sure can - whachu looking at here is a planet called Pandora, where pretty much everything is outta kill ya - animals, plants, weather, environment, insane bandits or insane settlers. This desert is just one of the many regions that stinkhole of a planet has, couple with the fact that an average day lasts about 90 hours."
"Who would live on such a planet?!" Weiss scoffed.
"Well, he did say the settlers ARE insane..." Jaune noted.
'I don't know the dead man. Probably didn't deserve what he got.' An ethereal-sounding voice of a girl spoke to no one in particular.
In this case, the wreckage had both - a fresh corpse that was hanging on its arm from the top of a giant claw that may or may not have served as a part of a larger building (but who cares anymore, really?) AND a wandering armored bandit that was silently staring at the corpse, thinking deep thoughts such as guessing if his toe itches or if he has a pebble in his shoe.
"Oh, Pyrrha's the narrator - cool!" Nora chirped.
'Doesn't make him special though. All kinds of people die out here...'
"Though I wish I was narrating something a bit more cheerful..." Pyrrha silently spoke to herself.
The bandit scoped in with the sight of his rifle to take a closer look at the body, perhaps to see if it was worth cutting it loose for loot.
'The innocent...'
He proceeded forwards after he was done checking the hanging corpse, completely unaware that near him was a tall and fairly muscular girl that was sitting on a nearby boulder.
The 'muscular' part was undeniable as she had a hard six-pack on her stomach, although the proportions of her other body parts looked off-putting - her arms were bigger and thicker than her legs, and her chest was almost the same size as her legs.
For clothing choices, the girl wasn't really modest - tattered green pants with some metal protection here and there, same could be said about her gauntlets only the metal parts being way more prominent. Her chest was fairly big, with only several wrappings of bloodied cloth to cover it.
Her face was obscured by a leather gas mask with open lenses - or one open lens really, since one of the straps was effectively covering her right eye. Besides the bright red hair that looked haphazardly cut, there really wasn't much that could show what was going through her head.
She bashed her tool on the rock - the tool looked like it was made by someone who managed to fit a blade of a buzzsaw into a handle of an axe - a buzzaxe, if one would name it.
'And the not so innocent.'
A catcall could be heard and traced to Yang.
'No surprise there.' Weiss thought, as she readied herself for yet another 'yang-wful' pun. She almost retched in disgust, realizing she might've contracted the disease of being painfully un-punny.
"Damn, P! You're ripped to heck - now you can literally muscle your way to a certain someone's heart." Yang spoke with a sly smirk.
What completely baffled her are the questionable looks she was getting, almost as if she said something very questionable.
"Uh, firecracker, not to bust your bubble BUT you kinda sounded a little bit...uh, how do I say this nicely?"
And then it hit her.
"Oh, I, heh, I didn't mean to sound like that. Context, you kn-?"
"Blondie, it's no secret that you act on your tendencies, but for the love of everything at LEAST keep it to yourself."
The white seat audience had either an expression of surprise or straight-up shock while the others had either an amusing smirk on their faces or they remained passive because they simply didn't care. The latter only being Adam, naturally.
"What're you talki- you know, just shut up, you're making stuff up, I just know it!" Yang responded.
"Junior would've said otherwise." Roman smiled as he saw the Huntress now being put in a corner with absolutely no way out.
"That doesn't count!"
"Not to mention you initiated the whole thing in the first place. The poor guy just wanted to run his business and you just had to come along and grab him by the-"
"So what?! Junior was obviously a criminal, just like you, so why should I care, huh?!"
Roman's response was letting out a victory giggle, knowing fully well what will happen to the Blondie now. He and Neo shared a high-five before leaning back comfortably in his chair. Before she could give the thief a piece of her mind, she felt a hand on her shoulder as a familiar voice spoke:
"Yang, you and I will have a little talk later."
Yang turned to see her dad, who really did have that 'I-know-you-screwed-up-and-I'll-deal-with-that-soon' kind of face. With no way of winning this battle, she decided for now to look grumpy and wait for the lecture that is to come.
Pyrrha, on the other hand, almost completely ignored the revelation that Yang might be a sex offender and mostly focused on herself on the screen and noticed a few things, the primary being that, while her friend was right about being 'ripped', she knew better to know that the girl before her had an unhealthy amount of muscle. She would've suspected steroids were the case if she didn't have such...enlarged assets, which made her flush a bit considering the girl before her had bandage wraps around her chest, which can hardly be considered as sturdy attire.
Besides that, Pyrrha thought that she looked like half-naked Vacuan bandit she'd see in one of those post-apocalyptic movies.
The girl noticed the bandit and quickly came down from the rock. While the bandit was casually strolling and looking around in front of him, the girl, who wasn't really far behind him.
'If I'm lucky, he hasn't noticed me yet.'
She spun the makeshift tool and threw it in the air like some sort of novice juggler that has just begun learning his trade.
'I wanna warn him. I want to tell him to run, to hide, to get out of sight so I won't have to kill him.'
"Why would you kill him? For what!?"
"Dunno Weissy - he did mention that this Pandora is full of insane bandits, and that guy pretty much looks like one. Slice first, ask questions later?" Nora responded to Weiss, to which she had to agree - the man did look like a bandit.
But then again, so did the hilariously muscular version of Pyrrha Nikos.
And just like a novice juggler - or well, a novice in any skill that requires good reaction and timing, she failed to grab the tool in time as it was clumsily dropped on the ground. Somehow the bandit didn't notice any of this going on behind him, blissfully unaware of the danger he's currently in.
'That's what I want to say...'
'Okay, so I don't actually want to kill him. Am I not in control of my own body here?' Pyrrha thought to herself, as she became slightly concerned over what she was about to do next.
With the buzzaxe picked up and in hand now, the female Psycho tilted her head slightly as her visible eye twitched - which in her case can only be attributed to suppressed blood-lust ready to be unleashed. For her it seemed like the entire world just turned into a bloody shade of red, with the relaxing music coming to a silent halt.
"Yeah, that bandit is very much dead. No doubt about it." Mercury commented.
"R.I.P. Mr. Bandit - we hardly knew you." Emerald added.
'What actually comes out of my mouth is...'
The Psycho charged towards the bandit and shouted out loud:
"I HAVE THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!"
In hindsight, the bandit probably should've replaced the batteries on his hearing aid this morning, because it took a madwoman screaming out bizzare obscenities to turn around and see the aforementioned madwoman, who was now airborne and held a buzzaxe above her head. As it was far too late to retaliate, the bandit could only utter a painful, almost girlish-sounding cry that was followed by a sound of chopping flesh as the world around him was replaced with a black void of nothingness - which was probably the afterlife.
...
"Did I hear that right?" Port spoke first, followed by Qrow who added:
"Yep - 'I have the shiniest meat bicycle'."
It didn't took him long before he was reduced to giggles. Other followed suit while the rest were simply baffled at Pyrrha's bizarre choice of words.
'Eh, close enough...'
"If that's close enough, then I don't wanna know what's the opposite."
"Getting bit of a scare there, Mr. Torchwick?" Tyrian added, with casting his trademark gaze of creepiness on the thief.
"Nope, I simply dislike raving bloodthirsty lunatics - which I know you are. Don't think I don't recognize that...charming face of yours, Tyrian Callows."
"Ho? I guess my reputation in the Underworld is still present even after my sabbatical - I'll be lying if I say I'm not glad about it. Good times!" the stinger-less scorpion faunus smiled, reminiscing of the times he did whatever he's done to become infamous.
"You know him, Torchwick?" Ruby asked.
"Later Red, if you don't annoy me by then." Roman answered. Truth be told, he also has a couple of questions about what happened after his untimely demise. From what he could figure out by simple observation, Champ probably died and Cinder has a grudge on Red. For now he might as well keep his mouth shut and enjoy the trainwreck that is the psychotic Pyrrha Nikos on the big screen.
Train tracks wouldn't be something that anybody normal would consider a safe walking space - key word being 'normal', since the current subject of the scene is anything but.
'This...is me.' was said by the soft-spoken inner voice.
"I'M READY FOR A SPINE TINGLER!" was exclaimed by the actual voice of the girl, who was currently walking on the highly dangerous tracks, swinging her buzzaxe in front of her, perhaps out of sheer boredom.
"How peculiar - her situation is somewhat similar to my...condition. Although I believe it goes more into the realm of psychology than magic since both sound like the same person...with one of them being less sane.' Ozpin thought as he continued to watch.
'Yeah, great...Hey, remember back when we were sane?'
"THEY CAN TASTE THE BLOODY HATRED!"
'...Guess not.'
'So she wasn't always like this. What the heck happened to turn her into...that?' Jaune wondered.
The voice sighed, unsure if it was worth talking to herself anymore. Most of the times she's completely ignored and gets either a reply that is either a battle cry that revolves around performing the can can dance on someone's intestines or an order of two nipple salads, a large-sized nipple salad, a face pizza with extra dip, a brain chili, two ear tacos, one with cheese and a large soda.
The last one kinda felt out of place, but she didn't bother to ask at all.
'Still can't hear me, can you?'
She got no response(per usual), but continued on anyway:
'Little voice inside your head, reminding you of times when we could go hours, days...even weeks without screaming about our desire to ride bicycles made out of meat?'
'Being trapped in your own body, only the one in control is completely insane.' Oscar shivered at the though, while Ruby could see that the boy was thinking about something that made him visibly uncomfortable.
Again, no response. Almost like the girl couldn't hear her at all.
'I don't even remember myself, to be honest...By the way, there's a train behind us.' the voice spoke with disinterest.
"EH?" the girl muttered as she turned behind and lo and behold there was a train coming right at her. A second too late and there wouldn't be anything left of her but pink mist. But since that would be such an anticlimactic and quite unsatisfying way to end the story, fate deemed that the girl dodges the incoming train in time, belly flopping on the scorching sharp sand.
'Well...she's listening to the voice considering that she should've heard it coming from miles away. Guess that's a bit comforting.' Pyrrha thought, smiling at small mercies her counterpart had.
The girl let out a silent grunt of pain, slowly rising up from a very close call. But as she got up, she looked forward and saw something that made both the Psycho and the voice completely baffled...
'Oh God...'
The outfit that the girl's subject of interest was wearing wasn't what someone would call proper desert gear - it was a yellow tank top with light blue jeans, common brown combat boots, a single belt that had a pistol holster and had a strapped book with a strangle leathery cover that was adorned with unknown runes. It didn't look like he was doing something specific besides patiently waiting for the train that almost ran over the Psycho girl.
"Looking good Vomit boy!" Yang chided, to which Weiss yawned and said:
"For some reason I'm not even surprised that Jaune is there."
"Hmph, you're saying like that's a bad thing." Nora added, looking all pouty at Weiss.
"I do not, just...I just have this nagging feeling that we'll be seeing a lot of-"
"Nope." Bob interrupted the heiress.
"Huh?"
"Pretty much everybody will get their time to shine on the screen - repeats, sure but nobody particular here is gonna hog the scene by themselves."
"Hm, good to know I guess?" Weiss responded, not sure how to proceed with the conversation until she decided she's just going to continue watching.
'He has an ice-based elemental SGC sub-machine gun!'
True to that, the gun he held had a spacey sci-fi look to it, the cracks on it glowing a bright sky blue.
"That looks so cool! I wonder what its capabilities are..." Ruby muttered to herself.
'He's a Vault Hunter!'
He turn around to see what's behind him, revealing his fairly young and unblemished face, shaggy but well-kept short blonde hair and almost otherworldly blue eyes that completely hypnotized both the voice and the body of the girl.
'He's a Magus warrior who can kill me with his brain!'
'Magus? Are those supposed to be male Maiden counterparts on Pandora? Interesting...' Salem thought.
The Magus' face scrunched up to see what exactly is in front of him.
"What the- is that a Psycho?" He spoke outloud, as he looked a bit baffled at the ripped Psycho girl staring at him.
'He's the most handsome man I've ever seen.'
"Appropriate reactions from both of them." Ren bluntly noted, knowing it would cause his teammates to blush a bit.
She was slowly rising from the sand as she silently gazed at the boy, who was getting increasingly suspicious of her.
'Tell him he's as gorgeous as a thousand moonlights...Tell him you need his help...'
The boy backed a bit and had his gun at ready in case something happens.
'Tell him to rescue you and care for you and WHATEVER you do DO NOT scream the word POOP at the top of your lungs!'
"Oh no." Blake reacted, preparing for the inevitable fallout.
"Heh, she's gonna say it." Mercury chirped almost happily.
"I hope she doesn't..." Ruby meekly said.
"C'mon Rose, you can see it from a mile away what she's gonna say."
"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!"
"See what I mean?" Mercury said as a smug smile formed on his face.
Pyrrha Nikos didn't want anything else but to facepalm and not face what comes next. She also might've died a bit inside.
Jaune, on the other hand, was worried how his counterpart would react to this. And rightfully so, as they see quickly what is about to happen next.
It was at this moment she knew...
She fucked up.
"Otherwise this wouldn't be fun, now would it?" Roman finished, as everybody was now witnessing the consequences of the Psycho's words.
The boy definitely made up his mind as he jumped down the short flight of stairs and started shooting at her. As she stumbled around to find some cover, the voice began to speak:
'It's over you idiot...you're gonna die here and now... and the last words that came out of your mouth will be...poop train, ugh...'
"Naaaah, it'll be fine - I say this is a perfect example of a love at, uh, first shot!" Nora remained optimistic, with her peers hoping she's right about this.
The girl peaked over the cover that was possibly the only hard rock in the desert. Besides the boy that completely won her over, she saw a group of slim, sickly looking people in coats crawling behind the Magus boy.
'Great, now the Rats have arrived...'
"What's up with the deformed skinny dudes? Rats?" Sun asked, to which Roman responded with this:
"They seem to be the type to latch on to you and claw your face out...kinda like kitty cat over here."
While Blake wasn't really surprised about Torchiwick's questionable quips and didn't really thought of it anything (mostly because it was Roman Torchwick who said it), Yang on the other hand cracked her knuckles and butted in:
"Wanna repeat that again, pretty boy?"
"Cry me a river blondie - I'm from Southern Vale AND I'm a criminal, do you really think I care about what I say?"
Yang's only response was a threatening gaze followed by silence, which Torchwick naturally didn't take seriously at all.
Her tone however quickly changed from annoyed to worried as she noticed the Rats brandishing their shivs as they slowly creeped on the Magus, who was completely unaware of their presence.
'Crap! Turn around Magus...turn around or you're dead!' the voice yelled, but to no avail.
Tell him to look back, now!'
"Gotta say, it's kinda hilarious how lack of perception and spatial awareness is the most consistent thing here." Qrow chuckled.
"Maybe it's something in the water." Weiss noted.
"Seriously, how do you NOT notice that behind you is a screaming psycho, an incoming train or a bunch of giggling maniacs?! I don'- you know what, forget it." Blake raised her hands in defeat.
What the girl did peak above and wave her axe like a maniac as she exclaimed:
"STRIP THE FLESH!"
When she was met with a hail of ice-bullets, she went back to cover. The voice inside her chastised at her:
'No! Listen to me!'
"SALT THE WOUND!" She exclaimed once again.
'Dammit you...you moron! Do something!' Pyrrha clenched her fists in frustration of her counter-part hesitating to act.
Almost as if she was reminded of her own failings - both as a teammate and as a friend.
The voice sighed, knowing that getting upset over her won't save the boy, so she calmed herself and spoke:
'Alright, we will salt all the wounds later. But right now, if you don't do anything he will die and it's going to be your fault!'
She knew she couldn't ignore the voice any longer, no matter how much she resisted and growled. Probably because she knew that she's right. So the Psycho stood up and readied her buzzaxe.
"TURN AROUND LADY KILLER!" She yelled out as she threw her weapon, which landed right between the eyes of a Rat that was inches away from the Magus. The boy looked at the Rat behind him who was blabbering grunts of pain as the buzzaxe sawed his forehead in half, wondering how the hell did he not notice something behind him.
"Cool!" Nora quipped at the bloodshed before her.
The girl, on the other hand, moved forward and jumped on the Rat's shoulders (that somehow managed to hold the weight of someone twice his size and five times his weight) and pulled out the buzzaxe in gory fashion. She then proceeded to have a good ol' time hitting and slicing every Rat in the vicinity as she laughed like a bloodthirsty maniac.
"You know, I want to question how slim's shoulders can support the weight of the a buffed 6 foot tall girl...but I get a feeling like I'd be missing the point of this." Emerald noted, to which Bob decided it was necessary to step up and say:
"You have magical girls, soul-based energy and transformative weap'ns that are riddled with overly-complex mechanisms or they're downright useless in a majority of situations. But no, a world chock-full with mutated bandits that ignores weight differences is completely baffling to you?"
"Hey, Crescent Rose isn't overt-ovary- uh, complex nor useless!" Ruby pouted.
"Eh, sure I'll give that one to ya - still it confuses me how you can swing it like it weighs nothing. Ah whatever, talk for another time."
"THAT'S THE STUFF!", she exclaimed as she pulled out her tool that was stuck in someone's ribcage.
Glynda could only roll her eyes at that - she never understood those types of people, the ones who don't see combat as something that has to be done, but rather something that gives them a thrill or a sense of euphoria. Now, don't get her wrong, she has nothing against people who find fighting entertaining, but losing yourself in the bloodshed and viewing combat as a means to get high is something that completely evaded her throughout her career as both a Huntress and a teacher.
She turned around to see a whimpering Rat with his hands clasped together, as if he was praying for his life. What he got was the Psycho's maddened gaze down on him and the words that shook his very being:
"I'M GOING TO PUT MY PAIN INTO YOUR SOUL!"
Safe to say, the Rat fell unconscious and might need professional mental help to get over his newfound fear of women.
"Well, Oz - guess you now have a perfect line to say if you go insane someday." Qrow joked, earning a chuckle from his friend.
"Dully noted Qrow. Dully noted."
A high-pitched cry got the Psycho out of her raging stupor as she saw a Rat jumping on top of her. Considering she was three times the size of the Rat, she wouldn't have any trouble actually getting the underweight maniac off herself if only the Rat actually got to her.
"Again - zero perception at all. How is anybody there still alive?!" Blake complained.
But nothing of sort happened as a black orb had the Rat suspended in the air. The Rat himself was yelping as the orb compressed him in sort of a comedic cartoonish way. The Psycho girl looked somewhat impressed and turned around to see the Magus approaching her. His tattoos were now glowing in bright blue color, perhaps a reaction of using his powers.
'So that is the power of a Magus...Interesting. Are they similar to the Maidens, with multiple people being Magi with their own abilities? Perhaps I'll consult with our host about this later - he seems unbiased towards everyone in this theater.' Salem made a reminder to herself and continued watching.
No words were exchanged as the girl turned around and shoved the buzzaxe into the screaming Rat. The action produced a very satisfying fleshy sound.
As the girl was pulling out the buzzaxe out, the voice inside her head began talking again:
'Now say thank you. Tell him that because of him...we might get a chance to live like a normal person again.'
The Magus looked at her - normally he'd express his gratitude and give an apology to the person, who he tried to kill, that just saved his life. But he waited, since she looked like she was thinking about saying something.
Or perhaps even attack him - you could never be sure with a Psycho after all.
Pyrrha Nikos could only pray that her counterpart wouldn't say something insanely stupid.
"Bet she'll say something related to meat."
Emerald turned to Mercury and responded with:
"Not making a bet with you Merc, not in this life."
"Why - cuz you know I'll win?"
"Drop dead." Emerald joked, leaving Mercury with a wide grin on his face.
He didn't have to wait long for that as the girl turned around and exclaimed:
"I POWDERED MY NEVERMORE FOR THE RIBCAGE SLAUGHTER!"
"Told ya."
Visible confusion could be read on the blonde Magus' face for a moment, which then transitioned into a sure smile. The look in her eyes told him that there's definitely something different about her.
"Heh, sorry for shooting you like that. The least I can do is pay you a ticket - that is if you're looking to board. Er, anyway my name's Jaune - what's yours?" he smiled, and extended his hand towards her.
Pyrrha sighed in relief - crisis has been averted and everything is normal. Well, as normal as it can be.
The Psycho took Jaune's hand and started shaking it up and down in a cartoonish way.
"MEAT GIRL PYRRHA!"
Jaune didn't look slightly concerned, letting out an honest chuckle at the girl's antics. As they broke their handshake, Jaune went towards the train's door and said:
"I'll just call you Pyrrha...So, wanna go?"
Pyrrha enthusiastically looked at Jaune as she followed him.
'Heh, close enough!' were Pyrrha's thoughts.
...
"Well that was an...interesting take on Pyrrha, if you can call it like that." Weiss noted, but then continued on with: "Bob, don't mind me if I'm asking but...what exactly are we watching?"
"You've almost answered yer own question there, Weissy. But to clarify it for a bit..." Bob went to the center of the theater to clearly face the entire audience.
"We're basically watching alternate worlds, and what yer counterparts do in 'em - the best thing about 'em is that each and every one of 'em is different and unique in their own way. Example would be som'thing like this, with Pyrrha and Jaune on a desolate shitehole that is Pandora."
"So that's what we'll be doing until that artifact fixes our world?" Blake asked.
"Yup." was Bob's plain and simple response.
"Hey, I guess there worse ways to spend an unspecified amount of time, right?" Sun optimistically spoke. Turning the direction of the conversation, Doctor Oobleck stepped up with a question:
"Mr. Bob, I must ask you - these counterparts of ours that we''ll watch, how closely do they resemble us?"
"Quite a lot Doc. But it all depends on two factors - their previous background, which is usually tied to the world, as well as what changes happen that make them different from yerselves. Case with Pyrrha, on Pandora she was basically experimented on and used as a guinea pig by a corporation until she gone mad, killed everyone and broke out of her prison."
Pyrrha was a bit shocked at that bit of information - sure she expected that her counterpart perhaps went through something traumatic that made her...like that, but she guessed that the experiment part also explains the overly lean and muscular body.
"Now, of course, yer gonna see Remnant here where the only thing that differs are the events that happen that drastically differ to what happened in yer own planet. The best part about this is that anything goes - hell, I've seen Pyrrha, as in Pyrrha Nikos the Beacon student, accidentally stabbing herself with a steroid needle."
"What?! How...?"
"Doesn't matter - what matters is that d' girl literally goes into a frigin' ROID RAGE where she destroys her own bed, eats half of the Beacon cafeteria with a metal tray, sexually assaults Jaune in public, beats up the entire student body with her bare hands, accidentally kills, uh, what's-her-name...Amber! Yeah, accidentally kills Amber, gets her Maiden powers, decapitates Cinder and gets HER portion of the Maiden powers and then beats Salem into submission thus ensuring peace on Remnant."
Safe to say, most of the audience was completely flabbergasted and confused at what they've just heard.
"Lies!" Tyrian spoke through his teeth, not believing for a single second what Bob spoke.
"That sounds completely insane!" Weiss yelled out.
"Hey, I'm just telling you what I saw - no to throw a hissy fit because Pyr steals Jauney in the most alpha way possible AND asserts her dominance over you in a span of a single day. And don't worry Tyrian - she burns you and Hazel to crisp so you don't live long enough to see that."
Bob could barely hold his laughter since both Weiss and Tyrian were giving him the exact same sour, unamused look.
"You're actually serious. By the Gods you are actually serious."
Bob turned to Ozpin, who looked at him like a a lost lamb gazing upon a rainbow.
"Not gonna lie, best part's when Pyrrha can't recall anything during her steroid smashering and you literally saying yer off to kill yerself before wishing her the best." Bob bursted into uncontrollable laughter after finishing his sentence, leaving the Beacon staff very confused and some of the students even moreso.
"Though it kinda pales in comparis'n to when Cinder was going all "REEEEEE MAIDEN POWERS 'RE RIGHTFULLY MEIN YOU MAGGOT, ILL CUT YER HEART OUT" and boy how she screamed "it's unfair, it's unfair" as her head was being chopped off. Hilarious."
"Hmm, that part I can believe." Arthur spoke, smiling behind his moustache as he needed to look at Cinder once to know she's trying to suppress her anger. Almost like a toddler. Heck, even Tyrian's initial shock was quickly replaced by amusement at how undignifiedly Cinder died.
Pyrrha on the other hand had an expression of a dead fish, as if someone told them...
'So...all it needed to solve everything was...to inject illegal substances into myself, unintentionally ruining my integrity as an athlete and not even remembering what I did during...and...' Pyrrha thought,
"Hey, Pyrrha - you, uh, are you okay there?"
"Huh?" the redhead turned to see her teammates looking at her in worry.
"You zoned out a bit there." Ren simply stated, which was a cursor to the infamous motormouth of Nora Valkyrie that started:
"I mean, yeah, it can be a bit of a BIG SURPRISE how you only needed to pump yourself up to kick Salem's ass and save everybody, even though you also probably cause a lot of collateral damage and traumatize a couple of students, not to mention - hey Bob, when you said Pyrrha did Jau- err, did, uh, 'something' to Jaune...?"
"Nah, nothing t'a extreme - just sum, hueh, tongue wrestling."
Bob had a big grin, hidden behind his bronze mask, as the redhead in question was blushing like a beet.
"Sorry, but you said that she has beaten Salem into submission, right?"
Bob turned to see Ironwood, and judging by the suspicious look on the General's face, Bob had a pretty good idea what his question will be.
"Yup."
"Why didn't she just kill her like Fall?"
The masked man could feel everyone's eyes on him. The one that stood out was, unsurprisingly, Salem who looked curious rather than either suspicious or questioningly.
"I'm goin' here on mem'ry - can't recall all the details...well at least not the memorable, flashy ones. Gimme a break, I'm one-thousand-years old, give or take a few decades." As Bob finished explaining, he noticed two peculiar things among the audience - Ozpin looking a bit relieved that his dirty secret wasn't out, and Salem's amusing smirk, which he took as an invitation to talk.
"Wow, really? You don't look a day over 40!" Yang gave the compliment with a smile.
"Aw thanks, yer makin' me blush, hehe. Anyways, I gotta go an' see what we'll be watching next - be back in a jiffy!" Bob skedaddled to the right side of the wall. But as he passed by the black seats, he took a glimpse at Salem's, who still held that curious smile.
'Too soon for da big reveal, trust me - it'll be fun once I drop the truth. Don't spoil the surprise in the meantime, heh.'
Salem was slightly taken aback at Bob's voice that echoed in her mind, but considering the range of...talents her host exhibited, she wasn't too surprise at him having the ability of telepathic communication, almost like the one she has with her chosen Grimm.
As her host was leaving through the sliding wall, she couldn't help but to smile - that poor fool of her former husband seems to be hiding information from his allies, critical information regarding her condition of being immortal. And if she were to trust Bob, Ozma will have hell to pay once the truth comes out in the open.
She was looking forward to that moment.
AN:
Hey hey people, how's it going?
Apologies for being late with this chapter, college has been hectic recently and had several instances where I almost had a nervous breakdown due to a certain project involving clients. Because, you see, when every one of your plans go to ruin, your clients ghost you and the people you thought you could trust are in fact petty assholes that don't give a shit, the mind cracks and the stress takes its toll.
But since the semester is almost at the end, I'll be able to focus more on my writing and, if I don't become a lazy POS in the meantime (like I usually do), you can expect more frequent updates on this.
Huge shoutout to Constable Paperbag for making the masterpiece that is the "Apex Pyrrhedator", which I referenced at the end of the chapter. Go check out his other works, they are equally amazing.
Now to tackle the "issue" which is the removal of my chapters - the reason why I did it is because, let's be honest, they were complete and absolute DOGSHIT that had a weak plot and a shitty OC host that was no different from the majority of other shitty OC hosts in the Reaction! genre (if you can call it a genre that is).
If you think they were good, then, uh, good for you I guess but it's still my fic and if you ask anybody that has standards (roflmao, standards on this website), they will tell you that ver 2.0 was absolute cringe and it sucked.
And those were the chapters that were supposed to be a complete upgrade from the previous 1.0 pre-Volume 6 version.
No, I will NOT be making a separate fic with the flawed chapters because having one flawed copy of the same fic is embarrassing enough, two would be too much.
However, if some of you really want it and if you ask nicely, I can update the pre-volume 6 version of the fic with the ver 2.0 chapters so you can read them in all their shitty glory.
Onto the reviews:
Guest(Ch1;Sep 7th): "You have got to be one of the most pathetic writers I've seen so far. Disrespecting readers, rewriting stories to be a completely different beast altogether, and having any pride of this piece of shit you managed to cobble together. You truly have lost any credibility at this point."
Ah fiddlesticks, I just KNOW I've stashed that rectal cream somewhere...
Six02: "Okay ya no I definitely remember, and comparing it to the older one, the pre 6, I can see where you took improvements. Adding a moving internal plot, and your writing feels more structured! I'm excited!"
See, they get it - and yeah, besides the more solid plot I've decided to add some actual personality to the character of Bob. Basically he went from a edgy fanboy to a man-child troll with questionable morality who may or may not have a few screws loose - to be honest, you too would go mad if you lived long enough as he did.
WRYYYYYYYYYYY: "Very well re-written. I was surprisingly captivated from start to finish, which is weird as I usually skip the first chapter on these kinds of fics. I honestly can't wait to see what you'll write next :D.
Hope your having a nice day."
Thanks man, I appreciate it! Hope you had a great Halloween and NNN.
Sephyrum: "You always put your first chapters off to a good start. I think this is your best one yet."
Welp, I do try. Thanks for the compliment!
Serge Ant Snash: "Oh nice, we got version 3.0 now... okay, I've got a list with me here, first how about you make them react to a crossover with Jaune as the protagonist and he-"
Very funny.
That's it for this chapter. Btw, I've also updated my profile, go check it out for future endeavors and maybe shoot a PM if you wanna know more. That and if you're not a sexbot.
Kay, bye.