James watched as Remus and Harry disappeared through the fireplace, his eyes staying on the fire as it returned to normal. He would talk to Harry later, but first he needed to figure out what to say to Sirius.
He had known that he'd hurt Sirius; he meant what he'd said to Remus. James wanted Sirius to hate him so that he'd stay away. He had underestimated Sirius's loyalty to him. Remus was right, like he was the majority of the time. Sirius had given up his life, his freedom, everything for him and his son. From what James had seen he was willing to bet his broomstick that Sirius was even more loyal to Harry than the dog-animagus had been to him. And just based on everything he'd been told so far, Harry needed someone like that behind him.
He leaned back in the chair, his eyes still on the fire as he turned his mind back to Sirius. He wasn't lying - he wants Sirius back. He won't hurt him like he did before. Even if he wanted to do that, Remus was terrifying when he was angry ( he remembered exactly what Remus had done to him the first time around) and apparently Harry was as well. He wasn't sure what Harry knew about his relationship with Sirius or with Lily, but he just knew that Harry would do anything to see his Godfather happy.
He looked up at the ceiling, the sound of Sirius's footsteps just reaching his ears. James took a deep breath and made his way up the stairs and into the library. He still had no idea what he was going to say but he wanted to talk to Sirius while the other two were out of the house. Quietly, he looked in and watched Sirius pace as a quill took his words down, it scribbling over what it had previously written whenever Sirius would wave his hand towards it.
Sirius was so different from what he remembered. The Sirius in his mind was almost 22, his hair was longer and solid black and his body lankier and covered in far fewer tattoos. There hadn't been any lines on his face and the silver in his eyes was duller back then (had been ever since James had made his choice and picked Lily in their seventh year) - that was just over a couple weeks ago for James.
This Sirius was filled out, he had grown into his limbs. He was able to see solid muscles lying under the dark and close fitting clothing that Sirius had always preferred; James wanted to run his hands and lips over Sirius and relearn his body.
This Sirius was covered in tattoos; faded ones from years ago, rough and scarred ones that were scratched into his skin, new ones that were still rich and dark against his skin. James was eager to run his tongue over the inky lines.
This Sirius wore his hair shorter and it was just starting to become streaked with gray; James was itching to run his fingers through it.
This Sirius had lines around his eyes and mouth and they deepened everytime he smiled and laughed; James wanted to trace them with his fingers tips.
But what had caught his attention the most was Sirius's eyes; they were bright and gleaming, like they had been when they were younger. James hadn't seen Sirius this happy, well, ever. There were moments when they dulled and with the heavy things they were constantly talking about since James returned it was easy to understand why. Sirius had suffered so much more than anyone should, but he was smiling and laughing. And James wanted to be one of the people that brought the light out in Sirius's eyes.
James leaned in the door frame and knocked once the quill fell to the table. "You done, Professor?" He chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. "Merlin, that's weird to say."
Sirius laughed and waved him in. "Yeah, I'm done until Moony looks it over for me. Thank god I have him to help me grade essays. My grammar is still shit. And he actually enjoys it!"
"You were never shit at anything. You would have been top of our class if you didn't skip so often. Or get so bored." James laughed and stepped in, looking around the room. "It's amazing how much this place has changed. How much you have." James sat down on one of the couches and waved him over. "Sit with me."
Sirius walked over and sat near him, their knees brushing together. James reached over and took Sirius's hand in his, running his fingers over the older man's knuckles, tracing the tattoos that were there; the second half of the word Marauders inked across his fingers, his pinky finger had the prints of their respective animals down it.
"Let me talk before you say anything, okay?" James asked quietly.
Sirius nodded and let James play with his hand while he searched for words.
"You were...still are, the love of my life. I know I didn't treat you like that. What I did was awful. I knew it would hurt you and I wanted you hurt. I needed you to hate me so I wouldn't feel as bad. Doesn't make it any better.
"I wasn't as strong as you, or as tough as you. Maybe it's because my parents never expected anything from me but that. I don't know. I just didn't want to disappoint them. So I did what I did." He looked up at Sirius and intertwined their fingers together. "I think if I had gone through what you did, if my parents had been like yours…" He trailed off and looked back down at their hands.
"I know it was wrong. I never loved her, not like I do you. I basically used her to make my parents happy. And you...fuck I remember the look on your face. I did all that to you and you were still there no matter what. You didn't hate me...I could see the pain you were in and how you tried to hide it. I think the only time you really smiled was when Harry was in your arms."
"Your eyes were so bright before I...they were never the same after that day. They're bright again...brighter actually." James swallowed and looked back up at Sirius's face. "And I'm not saying this because I just want you to take me back or anything like that. I mean, I do want you back, more than anything really. But I know what I did was wrong, I knew it then too. But I'm sick of trying to pretend to be happy.
"Sirius...I guess what I...what I mean is, I love you, more than anything. And I don't deserve it but I want to be with you. I want us to have the life we didn't get to have before."
Sirius looked down at their hands and ran his thumb over James's skin. He was quiet for so long that James's nerves were starting to fray and he was getting ready to start pacing.
"I'm not the same, you know. I...I'm not like I was. And I'm old," Sirius finally said.
James turned to fully face him and pulled his hand back before leaning forward and cupping both of Sirius's cheeks in his hands. "I know you're not the same. I'm not expecting you to be. I'm not the same. Fuck, Pads, just the things that you've told me about so far. It's been so much and it's because of a decision I made." He finally gave in and traced the lines around Sirius's eyes with his finger tips.
"You're still so bloody gorgeous, mate. So you're a little further along than me now, you always were." James smirked when Sirius muttered a few months under his breath and continued to talk. "Who cares? And I don't care if you look like Moody, you're still who I want, who I love. Just...think about it?"
Sirius looked into the hazel eyes in front of him. "I just...I love you James. And I wouldn't trade Harry for anything, I want you to know that. Me getting hurt gave me my godson and I would get hurt again a hundred times over as long as I got Harry.
"If we do this...Harry comes first. I promised him I would always be there for him, especially since I couldn't be there when he was a kid. You need to know that, Harry comes first, no matter what."
James nodded. "All right, I can handle that."
Sirius raised his eyebrow. James always required so much attention. He doesn't know if it was because of how his parents had doted on him as a child or something else, but good or bad James thrived on attention. "Can you? Harry...for as far as he's come he still needs us a lot. He'll grow to need you too. He didn' have the support growing up so Remus and I do everything can to make sure he's not alone now. That's going to mean not all my attention is going to be on you."
"I can handle that," James repeated. "Besides, I want to be there for Harry too." And James meant it, he wanted to be a father to Harry. He kept his eyes locked on Sirius's and when the man across from him smiled the tension bled from James's shoulders. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Sirius's and smiled at the soft sigh that came from the older man. "Pads," he whispered.
Sirius swallowed and pulled back so they were only a few inches apart. He cupped James's cheek and leaned back in, his lips more insistent than James's had been. Sirius pressed closer and he felt James's arms reach around his neck and hold on. He slid his tongue in slowly and once he heard the soft groan from James he was gone. He forced himself to pull back again and he was panting even though the kiss barely took anytime at all. "Why don't we go -" He laughed as James stood up and pulled him from the library and led him to the room they'd been sharing.
As soon as the door shut Sirius had James pinned against it and was pressing kisses along his jawline and down his neck. He ran his hands under his shirt, eager to feel warm skin under his hands.
"Why do you wear so many layers?" James grouched, undoing the buttons on Sirius's waistcoat before working on his shirt.
Sirius laughed against his neck and let James push him back onto the bed. He propped himself up on his elbows, his eyes raking over James as the younger man pulled his shirt off. Sirius sat up and pulled James between his legs, kissing along the large lightning shaped scar that ran over his heart.
James ran his fingers through Sirius's hair and pulled lightly. "Need to see you, Pads." He stepped back and undid his pants while Sirius shrugged out of his shirt and worked on his own. James grabbed them at the bottom and helped Sirius pull them off before crawling up his body and kissing him again. James pushed down, swallowing the moan from Sirius, and settling between his legs once spread enough to let James press tight against him. He pushed back into Sirius's hands when they roamed down his back and moaned when the large hands squeezed his ass.
He laughed when Sirius rolled them over and reached down and took him in his hand.
"James...fuck."
He smirked. 'Yes, dear?"
Sirius chuckled, bucking into his fist. "Been a while, babe, not going to last long if you keep that up."
James smiled and leaned up, kissing him slowly before pulling back and whispering against his lips. "Right now I don't care about that. Just need to feel you." James was going to take his time and explore this new Sirius in all the ways he'd imagined earlier...eventually.
Sirius kissed his jaw before reaching over and grabbing a bottle of lube from his nightstand drawer and James took that opportunity to toss his glasses to the side. Sirius moved down him, his lips grazing his chest and stomach. He nipped at James's hip before kissing his thigh. "You're sure?"
"Yes," he ground out. He looked down at Sirius, and his eyes softened at the anxious look on his lover's face. "Pads, if you're not ready -"
"I just...I need you to be sure about me, James."
James pulled him up and kissed him slowly. ""I have never been more sure about anything," He promised.
Sirius smiled and pecked his lips before sliding back down him, his tongue following the path his lips had made earlier.
"No teasing," James huffed.
"Never," Sirius winked and slicked his fingers up. He used his index finger and circled James's entrance before working his finger in slowly. He watched James's face, continuing to move his finger until the first signs of discomfort were gone before working the next in just as slowly.
"Pads!" James arched his back and his fingers gripped at Sirius's hair
Sirius smirked as he lowered his mouth over James, sucking and curling his tongue around him, his fingers crooking inside James. He took his time, adding a third finger, and working his mouth over him. He glanced up, looking at James from under his lashes and the air left his chest. He'd almost forgotten how amazing James looked when he was like this; his cheeks, neck, and chest flushed, his lips swollen from being kissed and biting at them, his eyes blown wide with lust, and his hair curling with sweat and sticking up even more than normal.
"Sirius," James whispered and tugged at his hair, urging him up. The kiss was messy and needy and perfect and Sirius only pulled away so that he could put a pillow under James's hips. "Siri, now, please," James begged.
He never could say no to James.
Sirius lifted one of James's legs, prompting James to wrap them around his waist. He slicked some more lube over himself before gripping himself at the base and slowly pushing into James. He bit his lip and closed his eyes; it had been over twenty years since he'd been with James and it was better than he'd remembered. James was so hot and so tight around him and the noises that James was letting out were making it hard for Sirius to control himself.
"Fucking move, Sirius!"
"Spoiled brat," he muttered before pulling out a bit and sliding back into him. Sirius worked up a slow rhythm, only speeding up when he felt James's teeth latch onto his neck. He shifted a bit and James shook under him.
"There, fuck, right there, Pads…"
They moved together, Sirius working to hit that spot each time he slid in. Their lips brushed constantly, never far apart, their breath mingling together. James reached down and stroked himself and clenched around Sirius.
"Prongs...James…" his voice cracked and James could feel the urgency in his movements increase.
"Come on, love…"
Sirius moaned his name, his hips jerking as he released into him. James moved his hand faster, arching up and releasing between them.
Sirius held himself over him, his arms shaking as their foreheads rested against each other. James kissed him softly and rolled so they were both laying on their sides. He stroked Sirius cheek as they caught their breath.
Gray eyes met hazel and Sirius smiled. "Hi."
"Hi yourself."
He chuckled and kissed him softly. "Grab my wand, it's in my pants pocket."
"You grab it."
"I'm old and probably did something to my back. You grab it."
James laughed softly and rolled over. He reached down, grabbed the wand and muttered a quick cleaning spell. He put the wand on the nightstand and snuggled into Sirius's arms. "I love you, so much."
Sirius kept him close and pulled the blankets over them. "Love you too, James." He ran his fingers through James's hair and smiled as the younger man fell asleep. He knew things weren't perfect and that they still had so much to talk about, but for right now he was more than content with the man in his arms.
Harry waved good-bye to George and Bill before taking Remus's hand and walking with him through Diagon Alley. "I was surprised you agreed to come. You normally say I need to spend time with people my own age without you around."
Remus raised his eyebrow. "Are you upset I came?"
"What? Of course not."
He chuckled and kissed Harry's hand. "I know, sweet thing, just teasing. But I needed to get out of the house for a bit. Let James and Sirius talk somethings through. Besides, I haven't seen those two in a while."
"Dad and Sirius were together, right? And Sirius was never with anyone else long term...he really loves him."
Remus nodded. "He does."
"Did my dad not love him?"
"Sirius and your dad were definitely in love. Never fell out of it."
Harry glanced up at Remus. "Then why did they end things?"
He watched as Remus's face took on a more neutral expression, one Harry recognized; Remus was trying to keep himself calm. "It's not my place to tell you that. It's their story." His voice stayed even when he spoke.
Harry rested his head on Remus's shoulder as they walked, knowing better than to push the subject any further. He squeezed Remus's hand as they walked and decided to bring up something that had been on his mind for a while. "So I ah...I was talking to McGonagall after she offered me the position."
Remus hummed to show that he was listening as he stopped to look at the window display for Flourish and Blotts.
"Well...professors can have their families stay with them. I know we've joked about sneaking you in but you could, well, live there with me. And on weekends I don't have duty we could stay at Grimmauld."
"Harry -"
Harry turned red and continued. "And I mean, you don't have to stay every night obviously. We could do the moons at the shack or the house. And we live together already. I'm not sure if I could sleep right without you there you know. And I know you're worried about if parents find out, but after the war everyone knows and you haven't received any backlash, unless you haven't told me about it." He looked up at Remus to see the man shake his head and Harry nodded before continuing. "And really, you wouldn't even have to interact with any students if you didn't want to. Plus, I already brought that up with McGonagall when she told me about this. I mean -"
Remus rolled his eyes and pecked his lips. "Quiet, you. Of course I will stay at the castle with you. I'll spend a couple nights a week at the house so your dad isn't alone, but otherwise I'm there with you."
"You don't think he'll stay with Sirius?"
"James would have to reveal himself. Be declared alive and all that. If he does he probably will, but I don't know if McGonagall wants all of us there together." Remus smirked and for a moment Harry could picture him at Hogwarts, watching as a prank played out and being quietly pleased while the others laughed.
"How often did you get the others in trouble for something that you did?"
The smirk grew. "That they found out about or…"
The black-haired man laughed and wrapped his arms around Remus's neck, getting on his tiptoes to press another soft kiss to the werewolf's lips. "Love you," he whispered.
Remus smiled and squeezed him close. "Love you, too." He pulled back and took his hand, leading him into the Leaky Cauldron so they could floo home.