Chapter 14: Stuck With You
A/N: Chapter title from the song by Huey Lewis And The News... or the Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber one, if you want to exchange the "You" for a "U"!
Joel sat there calmly while Ellie twisted and wriggled her wrist every which way, trying to escape the inescapable. "It's your right hand, too," he observed. "Ain't it."
"Yes," she said miserably.
Of course it was. To make things as awkward as possible. Their right or primary hands were now joined in holy... handcuffedness. "Too bad. If it was your left, at least we could walk around holdin' hands. Guess we can still do that, if I reach around... or walk backwards..."
She punched his arm lightly (with her left fist). "How can you joke about this? This is the worst thing I've ever done to you! To us!"
He chuckled. "No it ain't. Not even close."
"Besides getting stuck in that tunnel... hole... thing."
No, that was ME doing something bad to YOU... "Any time you nearly died, sure. But you know what? None of that was on purpose. This wasn't, either."
"Who cares if it was on purpose or not? It doesn't fix anything! Fuck, I'm so stupid! Why did I have to-"
"Hey hey hey - listen. You're gettin' all worked up over- -We don't even know for sure that the key is lost."
"It could be anywhere," she groaned. "Do you really wanna backtrack and look in all the- maybe it fell out when I was peeing! It must be fucking nice to never have to pull your pants down."
She had become quite fond of saying shit like that; Joel bit back the urge to point out that his jeans were not glued to his person and he still had to pull them down for other things. "Maybe there's another key... I think it's standard to have more than one." But with these assholes, who knows?
"Where would that be - with the car keys? Did you notice a handcuff key on there?"
"No, but there was another set, remember? It had more keys on it."
"Oh yeah... and you saw a handcuff key on that one?"
"I don' know for sure. There were some smaller keys on there, though. Where did you get your key from?"
"He actually had it clipped on his belt... holster... whatever... it was separate. Fuck, I should've just taken the clip thingie, too. It would've been harder to lose that! I didn't even see what was on that other set - where are those?"
Joel was pretty sure he'd just dropped them on the floorboard of the jeep and kicked them back under his seat. "Uh... I can't remember." Not a TOTAL lie... I don't recall for SURE...
"Well, think! Hard!"
"Maybe you had 'em last."
"No, I remember giving you both sets together!"
"I prob'ly gave that set back to you when I didn' need 'em, then."
"No you didn't! You had both sets, Joel. I never saw them again after that." She sounded very certain of this.
"You sure about that?" he asked anyway - because it was so damn easy (and amusing) to push her buttons.
"Yes! Fuck - think harder! What did you do with them?"
"I don' know, kiddo... when you get old, you can't remember shit as good as-"
She started hitting him again. "You're not old! You can remember if you think about it!"
He had to crush her against him to bring his left arm around far enough to take hold of her arm and stop that angry little fist. "I'm sure they'll turn up someplace."
"Why aren't you freaking out about this?!"
He scooched down a bit so he was laying down more than sitting up, and started planting little kisses on her face, working his way down to her lips. "I reckon you're doin' enough freakin' out for the both of us, yeah?"
She relaxed into a nice sweet kiss. "You don't ever really freak out," she stated.
"It's usually just on the inside," he agreed.
"Are your insides freaking out right now?"
"Nope."
"Is... anything going on inside there...?" She slid their cuffed hands down toward his crotch. "...No... cuz I fucked it all up. What's so sexy about these stupid things anyways?"
He chuckled. "Don' know. Never used 'em before." Not that I can't conjure up a fantasy or two easily enough right now...
"Really?" she gasped. "I thought you were just messing with me when you acted like you didn't know how to use them. I love doing things that even you haven't done before!"
He always tried to assure her that everything was new again for him - if nothing else, it was new for him with her - but she never quite seemed to believe him. "We can still play with these."
"How? Assuming we can get them off." She let her cuffed hand rest in his crotch, landing his adjoined hand on his thigh. "Cuz this... isn't hot. How are we supposed to get our clothes off if we're attached to each other?"
"Prob'ly best to get our clothes off first, yes. But pants won't be much of a problem."
"Still - it's annoying, not sexy."
"Mm... I'd say it's romantic."
"Romantic?!"
"We are... one flesh now. All that."
At least that seemed to amuse her. Enough to earn him a little giggle, even. "Joined forever."
"Yes."
"Oh man - you wanted this to happen, didn't you! Now you literally never have to let me leave your sight!"
"Oh yes, I planned the whole thing. You figured it out." As if he could plan for her to filch handcuffs off a soldier and then cuff them together like that.
"Never," she repeated thoughtfully. "So that means... even when doing bathroom things! Gross! Joel, we have to go find those keys. Are they in your bag? Your backpack?"
"Haven't seen 'em in there, nope."
"One of the other bags? -Your pants!" She used both hands to check his pockets at the same time; his right hand was pretty much at the mercy of hers.
"They ain't in there." He wasn't about to make sleeping in his clothes even more uncomfortable than it already was by leaving shit in his pockets.
"Ugh!" She abandoned the search... and shifted her entire body up on top of him. Her hands were aligned on their natural sides, so Joel's right arm was squished between his chest and hers.
"Why don't you wiggle on up under here..." If I lift my arm, she'll have to lift hers, but we can still-
"No!" She sat up abruptly. "We have to go look for those keys!"
"Ellie... it's dark. I'm tired. Let's-"
"You wanna sleep like this?!"
"Sure. I reckon I'll sleep better, knowin' you can't run away on me," he teased.
"Ha! Like I ever would."
"No one can come yank you out of my arms, then," he amended.
"Like I'd ever go with them! But... what if someone does come? What if someone busts a window or something and comes in here?"
"No one's gonna do that," he assured her; the odds of that happening were slim enough that Ellie didn't need to be fretting over it. "Ground floor is boarded up. We're safe here. Out of sight. But even if they did come, we can still shoot. We can still use our hands. They just... have limited mobility, is all."
She snickered. "It's your punching arm that's limited. I wanna see you deck someone, with me attached. Just... wham!" She pulled his arm up and mimed the action.
"Ha. I can think of somethin' better to do with this hand," he murmured. He wasn't particularly ~in the mood~, but he would much rather play in bed with her than putz around looking for keys in the dark - and he wasn't entirely certain there was a handcuff key on that second keyring.
"Oh yeah? Like what?" she purred, laying back down again with her face inches from his.
"Well... I reckon it's clean enough, if it stays... on the outside..."
"Ohhh!" She was already unzipping her jeans.
Joel eyed her warily. "So... you're okay to..." She certainly seemed to be, and he hadn't meant to bring it up, but he just... couldn't not, apparently - maybe since he was the one who made the 'better things to do' comment, not her. Maybe I shouldn't have said that... "You ain't... uh... after what happened..."
"That has nothing to do with you," she said confidently. "With me and you."
"You sure?" Because it couldn't be that simple... could it?
"Yeah. I... love being with you. Like, playing with you and stuff, too, not just... -Don't do anything different, okay? Please? I'm good. Don't treat me like... I dunno."
Like you're fragile? He knew she wasn't really. "All right. I would just... hate it if I somehow reminded you of..."
"You won't."
Joel wasn't convinced. "But if I do, you tell me. So I can... stop doin' whatever it is that-"
"You won't! And yes, your hand is clean enough. You did wash it, you know... with the dishes..."
"Touched things after that, though."
Now she was fumbling with his fly. "Since my hand's down there, too..."
It HAS to help that she's on top... in control... maybe I should quit worrying and just follow her lead. "I was thinkin' maybe we could just do you."
"Hmm... you know I am always super horny this time of month..."
"Is it... already?" Just a casual question...
"Yep."
Ellie tended to be hornier on the days leading up to her period - a whole week before it, sometimes. This is a good sign! ...Unless... well, pregnancy hormones could also cause-
NO. She ain't pregnant! No way in hell.
It took him a moment to realize she was wriggling again - wriggling her way out of everything from her waist down. "You don' need to-"
"Yes I do. My zipper might scrape you, remember? And I can't just pull them halfway cuz then I can't move my legs the way I want. And - now that we're out in the wild again, I need to take better care of my underwear."
Joel laughed.
"That's not funny!" But she laughed with him. "This pair already has a little hole on one side. And yanking them to the side stretches them too much..."
"It just hit me funny, you sayin' it like that. Come back here... I'll tell you what I was thinkin'..."
Cumbersome clothing shed, she righted herself... and used her cuffed hand to pull Joel's hand down to where she wanted it. "What were you thinking?" she breathed before kissing him.
Feeling the cool metal of the handcuffs down there was a little... strange. Not exactly off-putting, but... not at ALL off-putting, really... just... But she was waiting for an answer to her question, so- "My hand on the bottom, yours on top."
"On top... like... you want me to touch myself with it?"
"Mmhmm. All those fingers down there at once... bet you'd like that..."
"Would you like that? Would that get you hard? Mm..." She kissed him deeply before he could answer.
He already felt some stirrings in his groin. "Sure would," he breathed. "But we're still just doin' you."
It took them a bit to manipulate their hands as well as the cuffs into optimal position. 'Optimal' meaning the metal would press into Joel's leg rather than his nether regions. She kissed him hungrily... and he kept his free arm loosely draped around her, rather than holding her tight. Just in case... even though he had held her tight on multiple occasions without incident - just a couple minutes ago, even, albeit very briefly. She LIKES it... it makes her feel safe... she knows it's just me...
"Fuck, Joel... this is pretty hot," she told him when they took a breather.
"Mmhmm..." He was enjoying the kisses... but he was in his head too much to really get into it.
"You sure we can't just..."
"It's fine."
"But I think... aren't you starting to..."
"Don't matter..."
"Yeah it does. To me, too - you know it's better for me, if you..." She dragged her lips over to his ear. "I wanna feel you inside me," she purred before sucking his earlobe into her mouth.
"Goddamnit," he muttered... making her giggle. Because she knew what she was doing to him.
"I'll get off you whenever you want me to," she promised. Because she knew what he was worried about!
ONE of the things... he got the feeling she would be annoyed if she knew he was also worried about triggering a flashback or a panic attack or something. Especially since she'd just assured him she was okay. "I didn't even bring the towel over here," he protested weakly.
Unfazed, she angled her hand such that the back of it touched his dick. "It's okay... I'll take care of it... you just relaaaxxx... relax and kiss me..."
There was really no way for her to 'take care of it,' and he'd probably end up with jizz on his jeans and his shirt... but with a half-naked Ellie pulsing over his groin, her soft lips warm and wet and welcoming... both sets of 'em... Joel found himself caring less and less - and she was effectively quashing his worries about her mental state. He didn't object when she shifted over so that the head of his dick nuzzled her clit. Her fingers... were sort of grasping or drumming awkwardly as his hand slid down to accommodate the new alignment, his thumb teasing her entrance.
The cool hard metal of the chain grazing the underside of his dick was a stark contrast to all the warm softness down there. Joel actually didn't mind it. Or... maybe even liked it?
Ellie came up for air and giggled breathlessly. "My hand... kinda useless..."
They could move their hands closer together, but it was still difficult to find the perfect position for both of them. "It's fine. You can't use it much without pullin' mine off-center..."
"But... I think I can... like... if I just..." She shifted a little... and the chain moved off his dick.
"Go back to where it was," he urged her.
"What... here? On the side more?"
The chain was back. "Mm, yes, right there."
"...There? Really? ...Okayyy..."
"I could stay like this all night long." He tangled his free hand in her hair.
"Is that an invitation?"
"It is. However..." He pulled her back in for a little kiss. "If you're really as hot'n'bothered as you claim to be, you ain't gonna be happy like this."
He might have been exaggerating a tad when he'd said 'all night long,' but he was enjoying the hell out of her just laying on top of him. The rubbing, rocking, and kissing is nice, too...
And the breathless little giggles. Those were nice.
Ellie scooted up a little. "Soooo you... won't mind... if I..."
"Ready when you are, boss." He knew she loved it when he called her that; she liked to say it made her come right on the spot (Joel suspected the one and only time that had actually happened was a happy coincidence).
"I'm like... ready to explode already," she announced as she grasped his dick and eased herself onto it smoothly (and goddamn did that feel good... had he really not been in the mood just a few minutes ago?). "Fuck... I don't wanna come yet! But I have to!" Ellie whined cutely. The familiar refrain.
"Slow down then?" he suggested.
But it was too late for that. And when the girl exploded... she exploded. "Jesus, Joel... I can't... ahhhh... fuckfuckfuuuuuuuck... Jooooeeellllll... ohhhh! Oh fuck! Unhhh!" He thrusted and she clenched and for the umpteenth time, Joel wished he could trade bodies with her (just once) for the duration of the orgasm, because she certainly made it seem spectacular.
Not 'made it seem' - it IS spectacular - she ain't FAKIN' it... ...I don't think? She was prone to theatrics, and Joel had told her many a time how hot her... enthusiasm was, which might encourage her to play it up some. But the quaky, shuddery thing her body did... she CAN'T fake that. ...I think... ? ...hell, what do I know?
She flopped, her face nuzzling his cheek. "Mm. Thanks."
" 'Welcome." (He'd mostly given up on telling her not to thank him for this service.) He gave her a one-armed squeeze. "That was a good one, yeah?"
"Mmff. Just too short."
"You done, or..."
"No. Just resting a minute."
"I'll rest with you."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
She giggled. "You're gonna fall asleep."
"Ain't gonna happen."
"Someday it will."
"Before or after, maybe. Not-"
"You've done both before and after! There's no maybe."
"I told you, you can always wake my ass up." She did, sometimes.
"That doesn't usually go very well." ...But it did, sometimes!
"One of these days I'm gonna manage to fall asleep like this and you're gonna go soft in there." She flexed, sending a pleasant little tingle up Joel's spine.
"Not if you keep doin' that."
"Well, I don't want it to happen now. Not if I can help it!"
"You know that's every man's worst fear."
"Worst fear? Bullshit!" she snickered.
"After the usual shit, anyway."
He could feel her grinning. "That just makes me want to make it happen more. Not right now - just some time after I'm done."
He chuckled. "That ain't nice."
"Well, I'm not nice!"
He didn't know what she expected to happen. Wouldn't I just slip right out of her? Nothing special or remarkable about that. "It could backfire on you, you know," he warned her.
"You're supposed to tell me I am nice," she stage-whispered.
"You're... usually nice."
"Good enough. What do you mean it could backfire?"
"You know... the whole careful-what-you-wish-for thing. Might happen when you don't want it to."
She started shifting around a little more, like she was trying to get comfortable... but he suspected it was also for his benefit. "Yeah, right. Like where it goes soft so fast that neither one of us gets to come? It's bad enough you're never going to catch up to me as it is. Doesn't have to be that way..."
"Oh yes it does." Joel wouldn't have been surprised if Ellie was actually keeping score. He wasn't keeping count himself, but he was... mindful of it. Whether it was built-in guilt over her age, or... maybe just plain chivalry?... he generally kept the orgasm count at a two-to-one ratio, in her favor. One-to-one was also acceptable. As for one-to-zero... that was only okay if Ellie had the one. "I've still had more than you if you're countin' a whole lifetime of-"
"Nooooooo - nothing before me counts!"
So cute when she's jealous. "Even if it's... by my own hand, so to speak?"
"You don't do that, remember?" she teased.
"Oh, right. I forgot." That old joke they had. "I've had more sex with you in these last four months than with everyone else combined, in my entire life. I promise."
"Yeah, see... I don't know if I believe you on that one."
"It's true. Whether you believe it or not."
"Maybe if you keep reminding me, I'll eventually believe it," she said (sounding quite happy, like she did believe it). "Stupid hand... maybe if I put it like... ...there - is yours okay if I leave it like this?"
Not really; it was stretched a little too far for comfort. "It will be if I roll onto my side."
"Don't do that yet. That was weird, that one time."
Ellie would never flat out say that she didn't like something. She would just call it weird - and Joel had to determine if it was good-weird or bad-weird, because she could go either way. "Well, if you're goin' to sleep on me now..."
"I'm not!"
"You're gettin' all cozy."
That made her sit up again. "I told you, I'm not done yet. ...But I do wanna fall asleep with you inside me some time. Just cuz. So... maybe later."
"Thought you wanted me to come."
"You still could." She took hold of his hands - albeit criss-crossed instead of the normal way, thanks to the cuffs - and started gyrating slowly.
"I ain't doin' that when you're asleep," he chuckled. "You know that."
"Well, I don't see what the big deal is. You don't even come inside me! And I'd still do it if you fell asleep and I wasn't done yet."
The day he fell asleep while in the middle of making love to Ellie would be the day he knew he was definitely too old to sustain the relationship - romantically, at least. "That's fine..."
"Such a hypocrite," she chuckled.
"Nah... that one's just... a double standard."
"Same thing." She leaned in over their cluster of hands and kissed him. "Mmm... I think I can feel another one starting... ...wait... if I like..."
"Maybe if we do less talkin' an' more kissin'..." He extracted his free hand and brought it around to her ass, then started rotating the two of them so that he-
"No no no lemme stay up here! I'll get off you, I swear!"
He chuckled. "It ain't like it's... all on you, you know. It's that little extra effort to-"
"Just 'til I come, then. Okay? Then you can do what you want."
"...Might be a while. Your second one-"
"You can handle it. You always do," she murmured against his lips.
He tried to kiss her, but she inched back, hovering just out of reach. When he lifted his head, she withdrew even more, giggling softly. She just loooooved to tease him. Oh yeah... she is gonna have fun with this little toy when we use them the normal way... Joel ran his hand up her back to cup the back of her head and pull her face to his. Once he started kissing her in earnest, she was done with the teasing.
Really, this whole... 'session'... whatever you wanna call it... should be nothing more than a big ol' teasefest. For both of them, perhaps, but especially for Joel. The fact that they were having sex nowadays meant that either the last remnants of his morals were long gone, or he was too weak to adhere to them. ..."Or maybe that you LOVE ME," the Ellie in his head would say.
Yes, I love you so much that I took shameless advantage of you, over and over, to get to where we are today. And I CONTINUE to take advantage - it's become so normal that I forget I'm doing it. He wasn't so different from Caleb - and even Ellie had wondered if the guy was grooming Parker. At fifteen, she could recognize the deviant behavior, when she was on the outside of it. Thanks to me... But he could (and would) ruminate on this shit later. Pretty hard to give any serious thought to anything at the moment - besides the pleasurable sensations he was so reprehensibly enjoying, courtesy of his teenage lover.
Pretty hard... but not impossible, apparently - not tonight.
She DOES say that it feels better for her, this way... rather than just fingers... Sure. Yeah. That makes it all good.
He was pretty good at matching Ellie's rhythm, which was easier than her trying to match his. When she was on top, he didn't even move at all, some of the time. Or he'd move her rather than himself (she liked that). When she was building up to her release, though... godDAMN, is she hot... the way she moves her body... especially at the end... he couldn't help but join in. And whenever she'd cry "Fuck me harder, Joel" ? Christ... it was all he could do not to come right that second. In spite of the fact that he preferred to think of their lovemaking as lovemaking and not fucking. Just one more item on the list of shit that made him a hypocrite.
Ellie was learning him now the way he'd been learning her all along (and he was still learning her). She would sweetly apologize for use of the word 'fuck' in a situation like the aforementioned one, smirking and looking awfully pleased with herself because she knew damn well that he liked it. When his words and his body's reactions didn't line up, it was his body that she believed, of course. For the most part, he felt they communicated pretty well. In bed and elsewhere. Of the two of them, Ellie was more adept at expressing her moods and feelings. That's why it disturbed Joel that she could lie to him so easily. Or... keep things from him, rather. It was pretty much one and the same... at least when it was something major, like her little outing the other night. When she claimed it was hard for her to lie to him, he didn't know if she meant because he could usually tell when she was doing it, or because it weighed on her conscience.
"Ohhh fuck, Joel... yeahhh... ooo... mmmmm... mmmfuck..."
When she entered the more vocal stage leading up to her climax, he was always too riveted to care about any of that shit... and tonight proved no exception. She had sat up a little straighter... and still didn't seem to quite know what to do with their shackled hands (not that Joel did, either). He'd had to use his other hand to unhook her bra beneath her two shirts... now he shoved both of their hands up the front, nudging the bra and shirts up since they couldn't come off, so that he could fondle one breast while Ellie... well, she had access to the other, at any rate. He supposed it was just as well she couldn't get all-the-way naked; with the moonbeams ignoring this part of the bed, he couldn't see shit - and thus, couldn't enjoy the view.
"Good idea... but fuck... I'm... I'm gonna... ohhh... oh my God... oh God - Joel - ohhhh! Ohhhhhh!"
Yet still she wasn't quite done.
He knew her nipples tended to be extra sensitive this time of month. If I can get my mouth on one...
Too late- He settled for rolling the nipple between his fingers as she made some other incoherent sounds, leading up to one last long, drawn-out moan as she shuddered the orgasm out. No "fuck me harder" cries tonight. ...Proof that she ain't faking? Because if she were faking it, she'd be sure to hit that high note every time... wouldn't she? She had made a point of telling him that she never faked it, but... well, it ain't like she never tells me lies, now, is it.
Joel pulled her close with his free hand, tucking her head against his shoulder... he could feel her heart racing even through all the goddamn clothes they were still wearing. Can't fake THAT - he pressed a kiss to her damp forehead. "That was a good one," he observed (with a bit more conviction this time).
"Fuck yeah it was," she panted. "I think cuz we haven't had sex for a while."
"Mm. Two whole days. Long time."
She giggled softly. "You always say days are longer for me than for you!"
"Years are. Not sure about days. And what about that first one you had? Lil' while ago?"
"The warm-up? Doesn't count. Duh - warm-up!"
Joel had dubbed it such once, and Ellie had latched on to the term (at least when it suited her to do so). He smoothed her hair back off her face. "You done now, you think?"
"Yeppers." -A Sophie-ism (Joel wondered if she'd lose those in time without the repeated exposure, or if they were now fully absorbed into her vocabulary). "Your turn!"
Despite the irksome, mood-killing stray thoughts he'd had about her faking (or him taking advantage of her), Joel could have allowed himself to come when she did... if pulling out wasn't a requirement. He tried not to do that to her mid-orgasm, but he'd ruined more than one by having to do just that. Ellie would complain - overdramatically, as she was wont to do - to make Joel apologize and say something along the lines of "you were so damn hot I couldn't hold on no more." She had confessed that she exaggerated her disappointment on these occasions solely to trigger such a declaration, so it was just one of the little games they played. I probably should compliment her more, without her having to ask for it like that... but whenever he voiced such thoughts, she would shrug it off and say that she preferred his usual method of expressing his feelings - by showing her (Ellie was still fairly uncomfortable with compliments and praise).
He understood. Words are cheap. ...But, in Joel's book, that was still no excuse for not letting her know how beautiful she was on a regular basis.
Joel slowly rolled them over now so that he was on top, taking care not to slide out of her, since she was 'done' and... well, it was bad enough he was still in there. Going back in would be... extra skeevy. An opinion Ellie didn't share, naturally, and Joel had to admit that it might be one of those things about which he was a little too... paranoid? prone to feel guilty without reason? Now, he should probably just... go fast and furious and get it done, but he found that he didn't want to. Nice and slow for a bit...
"This is weird... not being able to hug you," Ellie lamented.
"You are, still."
"Only half!"
"With the rest of your body, I mean," he chuckled.
"Joel, what if we can't get these things off?"
He tried to distract her with a kiss. "Don't worry about it."
"Why aren't you worried about it?"
Perhaps he should have been, at least a little. "Kinda busy at the moment."
"Sorry," she chuckled sheepishly. "Not trying to ruin it for you. But I know you're used to it since you like going last. Seriously-"
"Ain't so much that I like it... it just makes more sense." And yes, sometimes Ellie got talkative (or more talkative?) before he finished. He didn't mind.
"Whatever, you like it - but seriously - what if we don't actually have that set of keys? Or what if we have them, but the extra key isn't even fucking on there?"
Sure, those thoughts had occurred to him. But ain't it notoriously easy to pick a handcuff lock? Not that he'd ever had to try it himself... "Well, there's nothin' we can do about it right now so you might as well put it out of your mind. Let me worry about it later." He nuzzled and kissed her neck, which could still make her shiver, even with two orgasms under her belt.
"You're so sweet. Always wanting to do my worrying for me! ...You and your tickly whiskers..."
...Or it could just be the tickly whiskers causing the shivers. "You're real easy to be sweet to."
"Says you." She was meeting his thrusts now...
"You sure you're done?"
She giggled. "Yes. I'm trying to be sweet back!"
He kissed up to her cheek... "Shit... you don't even gotta try, to do that."
"I'm just naturally sweet?"
...and over to her lips. "Mmhmm. I love you."
"Aww! I love you, too."
They'd been exchanging those three words for months now, but whenever one of them said it unbidden like that... not just punctuation on a 'goodbye' or 'good night'... it tended to be "aww"-inspiring to the other. (Yes, he'd made the pun for Ellie before.) And he rather liked it that way - not saying it so often that the words sort of lost their meaning. She kissed him deeply... and seemed ready to let the keys thing go, at least for now. He picked up the pace a little.
"You can keep going slow if you want," she whispered.
"Aha - so you are workin' your way up to another-"
"Noooo," she laughed. "I mean, that would be awesome, but... I don't think so."
"Well, then I should hurry my ass up, shouldn't I?"
"No! If you do that, then it's over sooner."
"...Yeah, that's kind of the point, ain't it?"
"Just because I'm done doesn't mean I want it to be over."
"Mm. You... want to be rubbed raw?"
She giggled. "That still sounds funny... rubbed raw. It sounds like... I dunno. Not this! I told you, only the outside bits seem to care about that. I would keep you inside me forever if I could."
So sweet. "Forever would surely make you raw as hell, inside an' out," he said lightly.
"It'd be worth it, though."
He couldn't see her face well at all... yet he could still 'see' her gazing up at him with love. So much love... that he didn't deserve... but right now, I don't give two shits about that. I love her so goddamn much. I'm SO glad she's all right- after the other night, he'd thought a more tender lovemaking session might be in order, and maybe not quite this soon... but... well, when Ellie was horny as hell... yeah. And she had specifically mentioned playing, earlier. He loved making her laugh; if that's what she needed, he would roll with it.
He kept things slow-ish for a couple minutes... showered her with kisses and caresses... laughed with her at the awkwardness of their unduly-unified hands. When he was finally ready to erupt, she wanted him to squeeze her "as hard as you can" again. Which he didn't even manage to do to the usual extent, being one-armed and needing to pull out.
"You didn't say my name," she complained as he stained the sheet (he tried to be careful and avoid their blanket, although the thing had undoubtedly already absorbed some jizz from prior sessions). He wiped his hand off on the sheet, too - and Ellie's hand, since he'd inadvertently placed it in the line of fire. Now he dragged it across the sheet and she wiped it herself, chuckling softly.
"We're sleepin' on this side over here," Joel muttered.
"You're supposed to say my name," she insisted. She scooted over with him more towards the edge of the bed and they settled into a snuggly side-by-side, limbs-intertwined position, facing each other.
"You don't complain about the mess, but you-"
"You can't help the mess - you can say whatever you want!"
He kissed her for being cute. "All right, then. Ellie Ellie Ellie Ellie."
"You're such a dick."
Joel wasn't sure why sometimes she cared about the name thing and other times she didn't; he chalked it up to variations in her mood. "You've gotta remind me beforehand, is all. But you seem to think that's cheatin'."
"Because it is! And I always say yours. Like, a zillion times."
"A zillion? A thousand, maybe..."
"So why can't you do it just one fucking time?"
He chuckled. "I just ain't as... verbal as you."
"Yeah, no shit."
He hugged her to his chest. "I promise you: you are the only one I was thinkin' about. You are the only person I think about... every minute, of every day. Just because I don't... shout it from the rooftops..."
"I'm not asking you to! But... I believe you." She kissed his neck. "It's just fun giving you shit."
"Givin' me a guilt complex, more like."
She snickered. "You mean adding to the one you already have? Fuck all that, though - what are we gonna do if we can't get these things off?!" She shook her cuffed hand to rattle the hardware.
"Good thing we showered kinda recently," he said - and immediately kicked himself for it. He'd meant it teasingly, but if she thought about that last shower... flashed back to that night...
"Lucky for you, I still love you even when you're all stinky," she said, sounding quite normal and... non-flashback-like.
He knew she didn't mind the stench of sweat because it reminded her of their cross-country trip. At least we have deodorant and soap now. "Lucky me. You always smell good." He took an exaggerated sniff of her hair. "Not so much like the ocean anymore, though. Your hair, at least. ...Your clothes..." He sniffed at her (clothed) shoulder. "Still a little ocean-y. ...Oceanic? ...Ocean-ish..."
She had no reply to any of that. Not only that... she rolled away from him. As far as the cuffs would allow, anyway. Shit... maybe I shouldn't remind her of the ocean, either... or maybe she was stressing hard about the cuffs now. "Hey - don't worry, all right? We'll get 'em off somehow. I promise."
"It's not- I just need to breathe for a sec. Keep talking. Please?"
"Uh... all right." Is she having a panic attack? Shit- "It's kinda dark in here fo 1... unless we skip the 5, maybe..." (Someone at the beach had taught them a new grounding technique.)
"I don't care- just- talk? No - sing! Even better."
"Sing?"
"But not something from... -Sing something from when you were my age. First one to pop into your head."
But they had sung some of those at campfire, too - which is what he assumed she was referring to with the truncated 'not something from' remark. Her breathing didn't sound labored to him, so it couldn't be a panic attack... unless maybe she's fighting one off? He wasn't sure how that worked, but there were times she seemed to be on the brink of having one and then didn't. Kind of like stifling a sneeze: she did have some control over it, sometimes. He resisted the urge to scoot in close to her; he knew she had rolled away for a reason. All right, let's see... we need something fun... we did do some Brad Paisley on the beach...
...But I don't think we did this one? "You asked for it... this one came out when I was your age. Exactly your age, as I recall." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, then started singing to her - softly and tenderly, though the song itself was neither soft nor tender:
"Plowin' these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate, Lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken
And a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
I open up the throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face, she ain't a foolin' me
She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always starin' at me
While I'm chuggin' along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up her land
She's even kinda crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy-"
Ellie rudely interrupted him with a laugh. "Did you actually have a tractor? No - you said you never lived on a farm. Just that you've worked on them before..."
"I've driven a tractor, yes. Did I own one? No. But I can still like the song, can't I?" It was just as well that she stopped him: he was pretty sure he didn't remember all the lyrics of the second verse. Not that Ellie would know the difference if he made shit up, but...
"You're singing it all sweet but the lyrics are like... uh..."
"What? Nothin' wrong with the lyrics." It pleased him that she'd picked up on the words and his tone not quite jiving, though.
"Okay but they're kind of dumb. Tractors aren't sexy."
"Well, the girl in the song thought they were. Remember what I said? People like what they like."
"Ha - you said who they like. As in, people. Not farm equipment!"
"Point is, she likes me more 'cause I'm on a tractor. That's all."
Ellie scooted backwards into the spooning position, which had to be the most natural way they could lay while cuffed together. "Well, I like you no matter what you're sitting on," she informed him. "Or driving, or whatever. That chick can just fuck off."
"Oh, she's long since fucked off. She found some other dude with a bigger tractor."
"Good!" she giggled.
Guess it's been long enough... "You all right now?"
"Yeah... I wasn't really not all right... it was just like a flash. I'm fine. Thanks to your awesome singing. So... thank you!"
"At your service, ma'am."
She squirmed a bit, like she was trying to get more comfortable, then sighed. "Joel, what if we can't get these fucking things off? Do we... go all the way back to Monterey and look for the-"
"Hell no. We ain't goin' back there for that." He knew he wouldn't have just ditched those keys in the street; he'd been more concerned about covering their tracks, since he hadn't yet learned that his efforts would make no difference.
"It would probably be easier than trying to backtrack to everywhere I could've possibly dropped the- Oh! I know! We shoot them off!"
"Shoot. As in, with a gun?"
"Yeah! Why didn't we think of that before?"
Surely she's joking. "I don' know... maybe 'cause we like havin' two hands? ...each?"
"Duh, we wouldn't shoot our hands. If you're that worried about aiming... it would just be the chain part. Like our hands would be completely out of the way. Then we can at least-"
"Closer even than point blank range? I ain't worried about aim. But what do you think is gonna happen to the chain? There's no way we don't get injured."
"Have you done it before?" A challenging tone.
"Done what - shoot off a pair of handcuffs? Can't say I've ever been that stupid, no."
"Then you don't know that that's what would happen. But if you're too scared to-"
"It ain't about bein' scared. It's about no way are we gonna be that goddamn stupid."
"Okay okay - I just remembered something else. Remember in that Titanic movie? That girl whacked the handcuff chain off with a-"
"No. We ain't doin' any of that crazy shit. Now c'mon... I gotta take a leak." -and change the subject.
"What? Can't you skip that this one time?" she whined.
"Uh... no? Can you, when you gotta go?"
"But you don't really have to - it's just your after-sex thing. It's totally mental."
"Still. Up." He sat up, tugging her connected arm up with him.
"Okay, I guess I don't want you pissing the bed," she grumbled, standing up with him.
He hugged her from behind and dropped a kiss on her neck. "Hopefully I'm dead before I get to that stage."
"Joel! Don't even joke about that!" she scolded him.
"Put your pants back on... your underwear in there? ...Good. I think your shoes are by the door. ...I'll just grab my-"
"Hey! Hold on a sec!" she laughed as he moved toward the flashlight and pistol on the nightstand, timing it perfectly to make her lose her one-legged balance.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he mock-apologized. "You need some help?"
She punched his arm just barely hard enough to hurt. "Oh good - we're bringing a light, because we are going to look everywhere for those fucking keys. Either the one I lost - cuz maybe that happened in here? - or the whole set that you lost."
"So now you want to go downstairs with me, hm?" He slipped into his boots while Ellie wrestled with her jeans. "Be much easier in the daytime, you know."
"Is that really what happens when you get old?" she blurted.
The shift in subject was so abrupt that it took Joel a moment for her meaning to register. "What, bedwettin'? Unfortunately, yes. As I recall, it usually starts around... fifty-one, I think is the normal age."
She didn't reply right away... like she was trying to determine if he was messing with her. "Shut up. That's not a normal number!"
"What do you mean?"
"It would be either fifty or fifty-five, not fifty-one."
"It don't have to be a nice round number. Back in olden times, when people had more time on their hands, they did studies on things like this. That's the average it came out to be."
"Yeah, right. Like you'd remember!"
" 'Course I do. I'm almost there, ain't I? I reckon I've only got a few good months left. Then my baby girl won't wanna sleep with me no more."
"You just said you wanted to die before you got that old!" She yanked him over to where she'd left her shoes.
"Ow." He chuckled at how angrily she was jerking his hand around. "You think I wanna sleep without you? I'd rather be dead." There, now, that was pretty sweet, maybe she'll-
"I never said I wouldn't share the bed with you just cuz you pissed in it," she informed him graciously. "I so wouldn't care."
"...Really? Good to know. What about shittin'?" he asked, all innocence.
"Ewww! Shit too?!"
"That don't start 'til around... fifty-two."
She glared at him so hard he could feel it. "Shut up!"
"Fifty-poo, I s'pose you could-"
"You're such a dork – and a total fucking liar!" She slugged him, repeatedly - a bit harder this time.
"Whoa whoa whoa," he laughed. "Easy!"
"Admit that you're just being a dick! Then I'll stop!"
He caught her wrist and held it fast, nullifying her offer. "You were sayin'?"
"Fucking- uuuggghhh!" Now she was trying to pry his hand off with her shackled right hand.
He let go... but only to grab it with his right hand, which made it all the harder for her right hand to be of any use to her. "This is a fun toy you got here..."
"Joooeeelllll!" she groaned.
He hugged her close, pressing both of her arms along with his right one to his chest, and kissed the top of her head. "And you are real fun to mess with."
"Asshole," she muttered... but he detected amusement now, at least.
He walked them downstairs that way, without using the flashlight, bumping into things and stumbling a bit and generally moving in a very awkward fashion, apologizing left and right to a giggling Ellie, who seemed to think he was just messing with her some more when in fact some of the missteps were legitimate. He watered a tree near the back patio while Ellie 'stood watch.' He briefly considered pretending he had to shit as well, and whipping up some bullshit about how he can only wipe with his right hand, so hers would have to help out there... but ultimately decided he'd tormented her enough. She wrangled the flashlight from him and started sweeping the yard in search of the key - including places Joel was sure they'd never set foot on. Like it might just be laying around, of its own accord, in some random spot.
Rather than allow her to search through all their bags and retrace all their steps or whatever the hell else she might do before getting around to the jeep, Joel decided to come clean. "Ellie, forget about findin' that dinky little key - I think I know where those other keys are," he announced when they went back inside.
"You do?! Why didn't you say- ugh! I should've known. I should've fucking known you wouldn't be so calm if you didn't!"
"I thought it might be fun to spend a night attached to each other. You always complain I roll away from you in the night... now, I wouldn't be able to." Whether it was just a normal part of sleeping comfortably or it was his subconscious 'protecting' Ellie from him, he couldn't say... but he didn't do it as often nowadays as he used to.
"That's true! So... you changed your mind because...?"
"Because this thing on my wrist ain't that comfortable."
"No shit!"
"And if it ain't comfortable for me, it prob'ly ain't comfortable for you, either. So... I reckon it's better I let you go." He sighed in defeat.
"Aww. Or - you're tired of me beating you up. Since you're too sexist to hit back."
She liked to tease him about being sexist on various matters... but on this one, he knew she liked that he refused to hit back. Even in jest. "I'm a lover, not a fighter. But you do hit harder with your-"
"Wait wait wait... did you really just say I'm a lover, not a fighter? Seriously? HA! Sofucking corny!"
Only for you, baby girl~ He grabbed the flashlight from her and set off toward the garage, tugging her along. "As I was sayin', we're freein' up your stronger arm if we get these things off, so if I was tired of you beatin' me up, I'd be wiser to let things be. I can... contain you just fine with my left."
"Contain me?" she smirked. "...Why do I want that to be something dirty now..."
He snorted. "Prob'ly 'cause you're a naughty girl. All right, here we go..." He traded the flashlight for the dome light, since his hand didn't need to 'look' under the seat. He knelt beside the jeep on the driver's side, pulled a couple of things out from beneath the seat, then thrust his arm under there and felt around. Bingo! He jingled the keys for effect, but said nothing.
Ellie gasped. "Joel! I think that's them!"
"Yeah?"
"Doesn't it feel like keys? It fucking sounds like keys!"
"...Uh-oh."
"What?!"
"I... think my arm is stuck. Can you— whoa, hey, take it easy, will you?" He laughed as she slugged his other arm again; he was probably going to have a bruise there tomorrow. "I was gonna ask if you could pull with all your might an' maybe unstick me. Not hit me with all-"
"You're not fucking stuck - and this is not me hitting you as hard as I can. Trust me, you do not want me to do that."
"...I kinda do, now that you said it." He couldn't help being curious.
"Ha! Don't tempt me!"
"I'll make you a deal. You hit me with me everything you've got, and I'll return the favor."
"No you won't - you're such a fucking liar!"
"You keep callin' me that. Hurts my feelin's. Are you gonna pull me out or not?"
"I'll hurt more than your feelings," she growled. "Fine - I'll go along with your stupid little game."
She pulled hard enough with just that one arm that Joel had to offer up more resistance than expected to keep up the charade. "You're gettin' strong," he observed.
"Told you I'm not a little girl anymore," she said smugly. "But... fuck, you really aren't budging..."
"Told you I'm stuck," he echoed her tone. "I think you're helpin', though..."
She groaned and pulled even harder. Joel considered doing a bit where he all of a sudden breaks loose and they both go flying, but since they weren't in the bedroom with a nice soft bed to land on, he decided against it. "There we go... thanks, kiddo - I thought we were gonna have another problem on our hands."
"Who the fuck gets stuck under a car seat? ...You weren't really stuck," she accused him, though she sounded uncertain.
He sat in the driver seat and made a big show of vigorously rubbing his newly-freed arm. "I feel stupid enough already, thank you."
Ellie, of course, was forced to mime the motion limp-handed - at least until she grabbed his arm at the right point to make just the chain move up and down. She appeared to be studying him now. "I thought guys liked to show off for their girlfriends. Not... make themselves look stupid on purpose?"
"Exactly. So why would I do it on purpose?" Besides the fact that you're CUTE when you're annoyed... or confused...
"Gee, I dunno... because you like fucking with me?!"
"Fine. Sure. I was just fuckin' with you. You wanna help me figure out which key it is?" He was pretty sure he'd already spotted it.
She was still eyeing him suspiciously, and Joel had to resist the urge to tug her in for a little kiss. "That didn't sound like you meant it," she said.
He chuckled. "I cop to it, an' now you don't believe that, either? Just forget it an' help me find the key, will ya?"
She looked at him another moment and then started to climb into the jeep - started, but immediately paused. "Should I sit with you?"
"Always." He was a little surprised that she asked him instead of plopping herself on his lap like she usually did.
And then he remembered. He'd actually forgotten for a little while. Well, she did want me to PLAY with her... and she didn't seem to have any issues with it, even when I immobilized her... no hangups about that, or about sex, but sitting on my lap is problematic? "You can sit over there if you want. If you're more comfortable. Or jus' stand right there."
"No, I want to sit with you. I thought... maybe you wouldn't... I dunno." She had to squirm and squiggle a bit to find a comfy position on his lap with her right arm draped across herself... until he helped her out by lifting their arms up so he could hold her more or less the normal way, with both of their right hands resting in her lap.
She picked up the key ring with her left hand and frowned at it. "Fuck, why does this dude have so many keys?"
Joel put his left arm around her as well, which pretty much left the key-finding up to her. He could just let this go, since she had moved on to the keys. She makes it too easy. But... damnit... Sometimes she made these seemingly casual remarks as a way of indicating she needed to talk through something. He had previously dismissed troublesome comments from her without addressing the issue, due to bad timing, and then hadn't circled back to it later. And... they probably should talk about some of the sexual shit. The sex-as-manipulation thing, the possibility of her faking orgasms... but that can wait. Hell - maybe he was being too hard on her, in his head... letting that stuff bother him. His reason for wanting to mess around tonight wasn't the purest, either. Sex as... procrastination of a chore because I'm just that lazy?
But if there was shit she was carrying around that he could unburden her of - well, he needed to root that out. "Why wouldn't I want you in my lap, hm?" he asked her gently.
She toyed with the keys. "Just... you know."
"...I asked because I don't know."
"If it would make you think of..."
"Make me think of that? I wasn't even there." A fact he would continue to regret.
She shrugged. Stared hard at the damn keys.
He wondered if she just didn't want to admit she was uncomfortable. "It's okay if you'd rather sit-"
"No! I told you - that has nothing to do with you'n'me."
"All right." She was leaning into him like normal... she certainly didn't seem ill at ease with him, other than not being able to tell him what was bothering her...
And now an awkward silence hung between them.
Well, shit... do I push her, or let her be... does she need to talk about it, or forget about it? Joel tended to go the 'forget about it' route himself, and Ellie did as well, more often than not - but maybe some of that was just her following his lead?
Still... they'd talked about the incident at length already. And he'd given her an opening, if she felt like she needed one. Now she was absorbed in the task of finding the right key. She tried out various little ones, twisting them into the lock... no dice so far.
Actually... she LOOKS absorbed, but it's more like... she's TRYING to look absorbed? "Don't force it," he advised. "If it don't go right in, it ain't the right one."
She sighed. "Unless I'm doing it wrong. Gotta force it at least a little."
He was watching her face more than her fumbling with the keys; he was pretty sure she was just buying time because she wanted to talk, and just hadn't quite worked out her thoughts yet. He brought his left hand up to smooth her hair back and tuck it behind her ear. Screw it... I can at least ASK... "Ellie, are you okay?"
"Of course." Said a little too automatically for Joel's liking.
"It's okay if you ain't… if you-"
"We had sex, didn't we?" she snapped, looking up from the keys just long enough to glare at him. Maybe 'glare' wasn't quite the right word for it... it was more of a challenging look.
What does she mean by that? ...Was she using sex to try to prove something? What does that even have to do with sitting on my lap? ...I don't want to make assumptions, though- "I don't understand," he said simply. "Can you explain it to me?"
"Just- I think if I was gonna be fucked up about it, I wouldn't've been... I mean... I prob'ly would've freaked out already."
It was either black or it was white, apparently. "So... you've got two modes: completely okay or losin' your shit? Nothin' in between?"
"Well... I had that one flash... but it wasn't even a big deal. And I'm... with you now. I'm not thinking... I mean, I very much know it's you, right here. Ugh... I can't explain it... it sounds stupid, I know..."
"No it don't. I know when you're havin' a panic attack, your brain is takin' you somewhere else." Or... her body was, more than her brain, but it was all intertwined. Joel's experience with panic was somewhat different: mainly, he was missing the "I'm going to die" component, even when he was all out of sorts after a nightmare.
She worried at her lip... which wasn't something he'd seen her do that often. She'd stopped trying to 'find' the key... still wasn't looking at him. But he knew what she looked like when she wasn't 'with' him, as she'd put it, and this wasn't that. It felt more like she was thinking about something, letting the thoughts tumble around in her head rather than ramble out of her mouth.
Again, Joel wondered if he should press her to talk or just let her be. Guess it wouldn't hurt to ask- "What're you thinkin' about, baby girl? Can you tell me?"
She didn't answer. ...All right... I can just sit with her, then, as long as she wants...
"Why aren't you more pissed at me?" she asked softly.
"For what?"
"For what I did! You're being too nice. Still."
"You called me an asshole before, among other things... now I'm nice?" he teased.
"You know you are. I like... practically cheated on you."
That declaration surprised him. "I wouldn't call it that."
She started toying idly with the keys in her lap. "I would. I was thinking about it, and... if you did that with some woman? Fuck, I wouldn't care if you told me you didn't want to. That you only did it cuz you had to... thought you had to... It's not like there was a gun to your head. You could tell me you hated every second of it - hated betraying me, hated... touching her, kissing her, whatever you ended up doing - and I... don't know if I'd believe you. I would wonder... if some part of you did enjoy it."
Joel had to give her credit: she was honest as hell when she did decide to open up to him. And... had he somehow given her the impression that he'd wondered that very thing? Because he had - of course he had - but only for fleeting moments. And not quite in the manner she was implying. "I know you didn't enjoy it. That it was never about... enjoyin' it."
"But I still did it. I didn't think about how it would make you feel. I just figured... either you'd never find out about it, or if I told you, I could like... frame it different. Tell you what was going on without all the details."
...Like leaving out the assault? Tiny little detail, that. "Then you did think about how it would make me feel. You had it worked out so I wouldn't have to know. No harm, no foul. Let me ask you this: goin' in, if you'd known that I would hear all about it afterwards, would you still have done it?"
"...I don't think so... I mean... I kept thinking, Joel would kill me if he could see me right now... like, not in that fun, joking way I might think that sometimes? It was just the most horrible... awful feeling. It literally made me feel sick."
You ain't the one I would've killed. "I'll take that as a no. Don't beat yourself up over it, then. You had good intentions."
She ignored this. "If it was you... you wouldn't have ever done it in the first place, but-"
"I ain't fifteen years old. Don't beat yourself up over that one, either." Despite the anger he'd felt toward her about the whole thing, he didn't want to hear her berate herself for it.
"Almost sixteen! But if you did... I think I might hate you a little bit," she confessed.
"Only a lil' bit?" Joel said lightly. "How does that work? Is it on the same level as a... a minor irritation? I wouldn't call that hate."
"Okay, maybe a lot, then? If that makes you happy?"
"It does." Because I just made you smile a little... "I could never hate you. Even if you enjoyed the hell out of it-"
"I didn't!" she cried.
"-I still wouldn't hate you. But you'n'me... we don't always feel the same way about things, do we? We don't... think the same way. So just 'cause you hate somethin'... that don't mean I would hate it, too."
She was quiet a moment, as if pondering what he'd said. "I guess that makes sense. You don't always let me know how you feel about stuff, though. Especially if you think it's going to upset me."
"Fair enough. But I promise you, I ain't mad about that. To be honest... I did wonder if you maybe enjoyed the attention, at first. Before it went south."
"No! I didn't!" she said earnestly.
At least she's looking at me now. "It can feel good, knowin' someone else finds you attractive. That's all. And maybe there was a thrill in the whole... sneakin' out, doin' somethin' you know I wouldn't approve of-"
"No no no it wasn't like that at all! I swear!"
"All right. I wouldn't be mad, if it was. I think that's part of growin' up."
"I'm already grown up!" she protested - but every time she said something like that, it only made Joel think of how untrue it was.
"In some ways." Sometimes, it was real easy to forget how young she was. Other times, it was painfully obvious.
"I'm grown up enough that you decided we didn't need to wait 'til I turned eighteen to have sex anymore," she pointed out.
Joel cringed inwardly at that. "That... has more to do with me. Not you. My failure to do right by-"
"You didn't fail at anything!"
"That's a conversation for another time." Or possibly never. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay... if you're just worried about me secretly bein' mad at you, don't be. If I ain't... doin' anything that... makes you uncomfortable..."
"You're not! I was thinking, though... this is kind of how we were sitting. Me and him. Except I was facing the other way. Without the handcuffs, of course. And he wasn't even doing anything like... he didn't shove his hand up my shirt, or-"
"Ellie, you don't have to-"
"No, calm down - he didn't do anything bad. Physically... it wasn't different from this."
"...Okay... ?"
"But even though it wasn't different - it just was. I wasn't relaxed. At all. Your arms, being around me like this... it's nice. I like it. His? In the exact same position? Creeped me out."
Please don't tell me details... But he didn't want to shut this down if she needed to get it out.
"And when he wanted to kiss me... eww." She leaned in and rested her forehead against Joel's. "We were never this close. I turned away from him. But if we had kissed... it would've been... lips touching. Not so different from you and- oh! Except you're the best kisser ever, of course. So... totally different." She gave him a smirky little kiss.
He smiled a little. "And your point is...?"
"That it's the same, but it's fucking different. The difference is... I love you. And you love me back. Somehow... all the actions, or circumstances... whatever... they can all be the same, but they feel soooo different, because of that. And I don't know how the fuck people can fuck people they don't love. How would it even feel good at all?"
"Well, you know how it is - there's fuckin', an' there's makin' love-"
"Even then! The fucking part. I don't get it. I was so grossed out, completely not turned on..."
Joel could have brought up that little thing called chemistry, or lust, but... he found it rather sweet that Ellie looked at it this way. And it was reassuring on some level – to some piece of him that he hadn't even realized needed such reassurance - that she apparently hadn't felt even the slightest attraction to that sack of shit. "I hope you never sleep with someone you don't love, then."
"I won't! Only you!" she declared.
"I mean... after."
"Only you," she repeated, and she hugged his neck with her free arm. "I'm never going to be with anyone else. Ever."
He stroked her hair soothingly. "All right." He knew that she knew he wasn't actually "all right" with that, because Ellie would likely be in the prime of her life when he passed on. To condemn her to live the rest of her days without ever experiencing intimacy with another person was just... unconscionable. It wasn't a matter that either of them liked to think about, though, and they were both content to table it pretty much immediately whenever it came up. Like now.
"I'm sorry about before," she mumbled. "I was mean to you about getting stuck under the seat."
Ha! Joel wondered what made her think of that just then. He could tell her he was actually just pulling her leg all along... she'd be so mad... but he found that he didn't want to. So, I guess my little farce is the truth now- she can tell everyone back home and they can all have themselves a little laugh at my expense- "It was a pretty dumb thing to do. I don't blame you for not believin' it. 'Specially since I just finished tellin' you how not-stupid I am 'cause I've never messed around with guns'n'handcuffs. How 'bout we get ourselves unhitched now, yeah?"
She pulled back. "Okay - pretty sure I found the right one. A long time ago, actually. I just... yeah - it's this one here... doesn't it look exactly the same as Bill's? So, teamwork time - if you can kinda pull there when I turn it..." Moments later, they were free. "Yessss! I can give you a real hug now!" She flung her arms around him without even rubbing the soreness out of her wrist first.
Joel returned the hug. "Good job, kiddo."
"It's a little sad, though, being two separate people again, isn't it?" she sighed.
"It is. In fact, I'm prob'ly gonna cry myself to sleep tonight."
That prospect seemed to amuse her. "Aww, don't worry - you're still stuck with me. Foreeeeevvvveeerrrrrr."
He kissed her temple and hugged her tight. "Thank God for that."