Chapter 19: Heavy in Your Arms
A/N: Chapter title from the song by Florence + the Machine
Joel was certain he'd managed to shove the shiv into the Clicker's jugular before the ground crumbled beneath them. If only he'd been one second faster! No matter - the strong hands that had gripped him so tightly went slack, and Joel immediately curled in on himself, bracing for impact. People tended to want to put their hands out to break their fall, but all that did was break their hands instead. Wrong though it was, it was instinctive, to fight what was happening... not to just roll with it (literally).
He registered Ellie screaming his name. Damnit! Now the rest of them are gonna swarm us - including that freaky Bloater-like Clicker... Joel had sized up the drop before preying on 'his' Clicker, and he knew it wasn't that bad. A bit of a sharp drop at first, but it quickly gentled into a more gradual slope, with a nice weedy carpet. No snow on it, even. But he could imagine how it must have looked to Ellie, who could only see the edge. He shouldn't have gambled there, knowing she wouldn't just quietly watch him fall into the unknown.
Please come to me, baby girl... don't try to fight that thing, or run off to kill the others- he didn't want to split the remaining Infected. It sounded like she was far away... and if they all went after her instead of him- because he wasn't the one screaming-
He should've ditched that Clicker and come back to it later, knowing she would scream if he fell.
All of this flashed through his mind in the few seconds it took to complete his little tumble. It displaced the natural fear that should have accompanied the sensation of falling, as well as the pain. The pain quickly caught up to him at the end, as he unfurled himself, his back on the ground... but he didn't have time to feel it - he heard the excited shrieks of Infected who had just found their next meal. He tried to shout - to call her to him, or to redirect the bastards his way instead of hers - but his voice refused to work. The Clicker he'd just shivved lay nearby... twitching a bit, but clearly a goner. Pretty sure Ellie killed those two Runners, so there'll be... five left? - plus the two far-away ones if they heard- shit- WHERE'S ELLIE-
"Joel! Oh my God! Joel!"
...There she is. She was running towards him, as he'd hoped she would, smartly taking the long way down instead of rushing over to the edge. He turned his head in the direction of her voice and managed to prop himself up on one elbow - or his forearm, rather - without falling back over. He felt like he could breathe again. Whether it was due to recovering from the shock of the fall or the relief he felt at seeing Ellie unharmed, he couldn't say. "I'm all right," he managed to call to her when she got close enough. Except for- OUCH.
"No you're not! You're hurt!"
He glanced down at his lower half, wondering if she could see something he didn't. Then he realized he'd probably been wincing; she wasn't used to him showing any signs of pain. "Couple bumps'n'bruises. I'm fine. Ellie... Infected..."
She threw herself in front of him and hugged his neck. Pretty damn tightly. "I was so scared when I saw you fall! I almost ran straight over to where you were but then I realized I could see down the edge over there and it was easier to go down where it slopes like- whatever, let's just- let me help you up!"
"Infected," he croaked out.
"Sorry - fuck - okay, hold on -" She abandoned the hug to start firing at the Runners who'd taken the shorter route down - stumbling and falling, a couple of them, but not losing their focus. Even one that fell so badly Joel was sure he'd heard the sickening crunch of bones snapping.
He managed to sit up on his own, but when he tried to stand, white-hot pain seared up his leg, keeping him right where he was. Shit- I don't have time for this- he assessed the situation as best he could from his ass. Some of his gear had scattered during his roll, but there was a gun within reach. The three Infected charging them were close, but not so close that Ellie couldn't shoot them all.
That goddamn Bloater-Clicker, though-
If the thing's near-Bloater type bulk was any consideration, it should lumber along relatively slowly... but even full-fledged Bloaters didn't really, once they locked on to a target. This creature moved faster than it had any right to, and was closing in fast. Joel didn't need to stand to light a Molotov cocktail. However, he did have to wait for it to get a little closer for a ground throw to be effective. Unless-
"Ellie! Here - behind you!"
She grabbed the proffered bottle, whirled around, and threw it at the hulking creature in one nice, fluid motion.
"Now flame it!" he told her. "I'll get these!" Three left out of five - El Diablo handled them fine (and it seemed only fitting to use that gun, given all the devil names in the area). If they would have lined up nicely for him, he could've possibly taken them down with just one or two bullets, but they didn't seem inclined to do that. Fortunately, the great power of the pistol compensated for the bad angle he had.
Where are those other two? Are they really too far away to hear us?
He could afford to take a moment to watch Ellie, and help her if she-
...Well, damn. She's a natural with that thing!
She was retreating from the charred monster in a defensive stance, walking backwards. "Ellie - it's good. It's gonna keel over. Come over here!" He watched it fall, just to make sure; somehow it looked more Clicker-ish than Bloater-ish as a corpse.
Ellie dropped the flamethrower and knelt to hug him again... and this time, she peppered his face with little kisses, too. "We did it!"
"Thanks to you."
"And you. Can you stand up? Here... let me, um..."
He may have gotten a couple inches higher off the ground than he had on his first attempt to stand up... but then promptly fell back on his ass again.
Ellie kept awkwardly trying to lift him. "Shit! Did you break your leg or something?!"
His foot had apparently got caught on something on the way down, twisting it a little, but it wasn't that bad. No excuse for him to have so much trouble using it. I think that one Runner busted his leg, and he kept coming at me, dragging it along... for a couple seconds, anyway. Until Joel shot him. "I think it's my foot... my ankle. It ain't broken, though." Or so he assumed, because he could still move it. And because it just WASN'T THAT BAD. He refused to let it be bad.
"Which one - your left?"
"Yes. If you could just... here, let me put my arm around you... and get my other foot... ...shit..." It was harder than it should have been, but with Ellie's help, he managed to stand on his right foot. "I think maybe I sprained the damn thing," he grudgingly admitted. So much for 'knowing' how to fall. Damn it!
"Oh man... it's gonna swell up like a bitch, huh. Lemme take your boot off."
He should've had her do that when they were on the ground. He had to lean with his hand on her shoulder to keep from putting any weight on the bad ankle. "There's still two left, you know." The Runners were nowhere near them, but still.
"I know. I saw those ones way out there before. I think they started coming over when they heard the commotion, but we stopped making noise before they got close, so they lost interest."
He and Ellie had made a pretty big ruckus killing the others mere minutes earlier; Joel wondered if the Runners didn't realize there was a little valley beyond what they could see, or what. "We prob'ly oughta just kill 'em anyhow. Might be more around here... we don't wanna let 'em swarm us if we can help it."
She rose to her feet again. "You think there's more?"
"Could be. Thanks, kiddo." He made sure to keep one hand on her for balance. "You did real good, you know. The way you chucked that bottle... you looked like a... a dancer, or an athlete, or somethin'."
"Really?" she asked, a little smile playing about her lips... like she was trying not to look too happy, for some reason.
Joel reckoned he really needed to praise her more often. "Yeah. And you did the flamethrower enough... maybe a lil' overdone... I didn't see the whole thing, but as long as you didn't empty that whole canister...?" That had been his main concern with her using it.
"I didn't. I do have some restraint, see? I've seen you do it a million times so I kinda knew how far away I could be and still hit the fucker."
"You did good," he repeated. Whatever she may have picked up from watching him, it was still different when you were actually doing the thing yourself. They had experimented with letting her try out some of the more powerful guns, but she actually preferred her own over those. They suited her more; they fired more quickly and held more bullets, and when her adrenaline was flowing, she needed to do the rapid fire thing, whereas Joel could take the extra moment to make his one shot count. She'd probably like those new assault rifles we picked up... they were a bit clunky for her, though. Joel hadn't even brought one along from the jeep. The flamethrower wasn't really up her alley, either, yet she had used it well. Plus she kept her wits about her... didn't freak out too bad about my fall... not to a paralyzing extent, at least. "I'm proud of you," he told her honestly.
She wrapped her arms around him again - around his waist rather than his neck this time. And she smiled - no, beamed - up at him. "It was kind of fun, doing the flamethrower! I mean... scary as fuck, not running away from that- oh! I thought up a better name for it! It's a Blicker."
"A Blicker," he parroted. "...Sure."
"You know what else was scary as fuck? Watching you fall off that cliff!" she said crossly. She pulled back abruptly, her eyes switching gears from 'beam' to 'glare' in a heartbeat.
Joel was accustomed to her rapidly-changing moods by now (and he could tell she wasn't truly angry). "I'm sorry I did that to you." Standing without having her to lean on was proving more difficult than expected. He put both hands on her shoulders... and tried to play it off like he was comforting her. "It wasn't really a cliff, though."
"A baby cliff!"
He wasn't even sure he'd classify it that way, either... but maybe if he'd had to watch Ellie fall off of it, it would look like the mother of all cliffs. "I didn't do it on purpose," he chuckled.
"You just weren't careful enough! After I fucking told you to be careful." Her arms were crossed over her chest now. Like she meant business.
At least she hasn't moved out of reach... He snaked one hand around to massage the nape of her neck soothingly. "If that had been a real cliff, I wouldn't've engaged the Clicker right there. The bastard did surprise me when he turned-"
"That's what they do!" she cut in. "You know that! They move all jerky-like!"
And his reflexes... well, they weren't what they used to be. "Still. I thought I had 'im clean. But I knew if I fell, I wouldn't be hurt."
"You wouldn't- ...uhhhh, hello?" She looked pointedly at his bootless foot.
"That's nothin'. I mean seriously hurt." He was a little banged up, but the foot got it the worst, and it wasn't that bad. Think that rifle jabbed me right through the ribs...
"What do you consider serious? You can't fucking walk!"
"No, I can. I can walk." Very gingerly, and it might hurt like hell, but he probably could. I ain't THAT weak. That Runner must've broken a bone or two and it barely even slowed him down.
"Don't be stupid, Joel. We're going back to the jeep and I'm gonna wrap up that ankle and you're not going to walk on it. And I don't wanna hear any bitching about it - that's what we're gonna do and that's final."
When do I bitch about shit? ARGUE, maybe... but not this time. "Yes ma'am."
"I'm serious!" She inserted herself in his armpit...
...and he tried to act like he didn't really need to put his arm around her (while being secretly grateful that he could keep leaning into her). "Did I say you weren't?"
They started hobbling towards the gentler slope, where Ellie had come from. "You didn't have to. You're like... smirking right now. Like 'oh isn't Ellie cute, trying to'-"
"You are cute." He doubted he'd actually been smirking, but perhaps the "yes ma'am" had tipped her off. That's fine... the you're-so-cute shit is one of our things... whereas him being crippled was not. Joel certainly didn't want to disrupt the natural order of things now. He wasn't near death, after all, and he didn't want her to start likening this to Colorado. "You can handcuff me to the jeep if you want," he offered. "Keep me from walkin' around on this bum foot." Here comes something sexual...
"And you're not driving!" she added to her list of demands. Skipped right over the sex joke opportunity.
Joel scowled. Walking was one thing... "I can still drive."
"Bullshit! You need both feet to drive the jeep."
"That's... ideal on a manual, yes, but I can get around it."
"Oh yeah? How?"
"I'll just use somethin' in place of my left foot." Does the rifle have enough grip on the butt not to slip? A two by four would probably work better...
"Yeah - you will. You'll use me instead of your foot. Instead of your whole body. Because you won't be driving! Joel, this is exactly why I learned!"
He sighed. "We gotta pick up our shit - can't just leave the-"
"We're not leaving it! Don't change the subject. I'm helping you to the jeep and then I'm driving it here to pick up everything."
"While I just sit on my ass an' watch?" He stopped hobbling.
"Yes! Fuck, I can drive it right down here. Still have to loot all the bodies, too. I mean, we might as well. And kill those last two Runners, I guess."
"I can help with all that."
"No. You can't. In fact... I hate to leave you, but I really should just go get the jeep and bring it down-"
"No, Ellie. Not by yourself." He was certain the jeep could handle the terrain here. But driving off the road still felt different from... well, driving on the road. And he really didn't want to let her out of his sight, especially when they knew there were Runners lurking up there.
"I can handle it."
"I'd just... rather not split up. All right?"
She gave him a look (searching? or pitying?), a quick kiss, and then got back to business. "Come on, then. I can't drag you... and stop trying to use that foot. You're prob'ly fucking it up worse. Just let me help you."
Joel resumed the forward movement. He had to keep testing the foot, though. While Ellie was right there to keep him from falling. He had to just... push through the pain and figure out how to outsmart it. It was a good idea to bring the jeep around to save Ellie the effort of lugging extra gear all the way back, but it wasn't like Joel couldn't pick up the flamethrower right now... the bow and quiver... maybe looting the bodies would be difficult, but he could kill the goddamn Infected, for Chrissakes. "I can carry-"
"Yes, Joel, you probably can, but you're not going to. Because you don't have to. Neither do I. We have to drive this way anyway."
There was no arguing with her when she was like this. "Smarter, not harder," he muttered. That's my Ellie.
"What?"
"That's an old... nothin'. You're right."
"Of course I am." She glanced at him, and her tone softened a little. "You're all sweaty. Why don't you stop and rest here, while I go-"
"Jus' sweaty from the fight," he lied (...and the one strike with the shiv hardly qualified as a fight, so it wasn't even believable). The ankle was throbbing something fierce. "And no, we ain't splittin' up. I can make it there, all right?"
"But you're really having a hard-"
"I'm fine!" he snapped.
Ellie groaned. "No you're not. You are one stubborn motherfucker, you know that? But whatever. You wanna be a tough guy and feel pain you don't have to feel? Go right ahead."
They continued in silence, which Joel was grateful for as they trudged up the incline - the 'gentle' one, although it felt anything but. It was hard enough to hide his labored breathing from Ellie without having to make the extra effort conversation would require. He kept glancing to their right to see how close those last two Runners had come, but so far, they weren't even in sight. He noticed Ellie glancing that way as well. Should I be proud of her for remembering to keep an eye out when they clearly ain't even that close to us for the time being, or sad that she doesn't trust me to-
Proud, was the obvious answer. Two sets of eyes were better than one. Trust really had nothing to do with it.
Or so he liked to tell her, when the tables were turned...
"Whew! I'm beat," Ellie announced when the ground leveled out again. "I gotta rest a minute."
"No you don't. You're- Ellie, come on, now... don't- what are you-"
He had no choice but to let her ease him to the ground. She plunked down beside him.
Now they could see that those two Runners were across the street and far enough down the road that they didn't pose an immediate threat, so he couldn't use them as an excuse. It felt so damn good to stop that Joel was afraid he wouldn't be able to start again… but he absolutely would not lay down. They were Outside, with who knows how many more Infected wandering around - "We can't jus' sit here."
"Yes we can. Just for a few minutes. I need to catch my breath, okay?"
Yet Joel was the only one panting. Goddamnit. I really hate this shit. I'm obviously doing a crap job of hiding the pain... of hiding how damn hard it was just to do such a simple task as WALKING. I'm supposed to be the one taking care of HER. Even if she don't need it. She counts on me. She needs me to be better than this. I WILL be better than this. The goddamn thing ain't broken - I CAN walk on it, and I will. I ain't some pansy-ass piece of shit who goes out of commission just from stubbing his toe. It ain't about 'feeling pain I don't have to feel,' like she says - it's about grit, and determination, and not letting a mistake get the-
"Joel, I'm sorry." Ellie's sweet voice cut into the pep talk he was giving himself.
"You didn't do nothin'," he grumbled.
"It's just not fair. If it was me with a bum ankle... you would just scoop me up and carry me back to the jeep. Even though I'm bigger now... heavier..."
Bigger and heavier? She might have grown an inch since he'd met her, and put on a handful of pounds (pounds she desperately needed, because she tended to get too thin when they were on the road). "You ain't that heavy."
"Well, even if I was heavy as fuck, you'd do it, no problem. I wish I could do that for you. God, how I fucking wish that."
Like he would let her, even if she could. It's adorable as hell, though. "Remember when you asked if I ever wished you were bigger than me?"
She smiled. "Yeah. And you said that would creep you out. All I wanted to do was hug you the way you hug me! Like... surround you on all sides."
"You also wanted me to cry, as I recall."
"No I didn't!" she laughed.
"You were complainin' that you never got to help me with my problems or some shit."
"Oh yeah... you know what I was afraid of?"
"...You were afraid?" That was news to him. Or maybe he wasn't remembering correctly...
"I thought... I go to you whenever I need someone... emotionally, like... and you always made me feel better. That's a pretty basic human need, you know? Having friends to vent to, and... all that. But since you never did that with me, I wondered if you felt like you had to do it with someone else. Like... there was another need I wasn't fulfilling for you. Another way I... failed you, pretty much."
Now I remember. "You never failed-"
"I know! I'm just saying. That's what it felt like, with not having sex and all… Anyway. When you explained that... you did do it with me - the emotional support stuff - just in a different way... I realized we're just different. That's all."
Joel chuckled. "I could've told you that much from the get-go." And much more succinctly.
"We're different in that way, but the same in lots of other ways. Or where we're not the same, we like... mesh well? Like when I'm angry, you're calm. When I'm emotional, you're rational. We balance each other out. Like two halves of the same whole."
Yin and yang. He leaned over - without losing his balance, now that they were seated - and gave her a little kiss. "That's a real sweet way of lookin' at it."
"It's true!" She leaned her forehead against his. "I know you, Joel. Inside and out. And right now... you feel like if you accept my help, it makes you less... just less. Like you're weak or something. But that's fucking bullshit, okay? You're the strongest person I know. I wish it was me that got hurt, so you could just take care of me and feel good about yourself for-"
He pulled back to give her a Look. "I'm glad it wasn't you. You think I'd feel better if it was?" That's all kinds of messed up.
Ellie seemed to have anticipated that response from him. She looked... almost smug. "No, not exactly, but that's your comfort zone. Being in charge, taking care of things, having people need you-"
"I don't have a goddamn hero complex," he cut in.
"No, I don't think you do - with most people. But you kind of do with me. And I get it - it's mostly cuz of my age. You can't help it. The whole... dad thing. And I like it - how overprotective you are and stuff. It's not bad. But the thing is... I'm not helpless. You even said so yourself earlier. I can do this shit."
"Of course you can. I never said you couldn't."
"I know. I'm just saying," she repeated. "You're the one who taught me that I could, even if you didn't realize it. When you... you know. In Colorado. I learned-"
"You went through hell, Ellie. I won't... let that happen again," he trailed off weakly, realizing he already had. In fact, he'd put her through hell, directly, in Sacramento.
"And you're not. Believe me, this isn't hell, helping you. I totally don't mind. So you can't move around that great for a little while - so what? You can still tell me what to do, and shoot people if we have to - and you can cook if you want. There's still-"
"I can't make a fire sittin' on my ass - gotta gather enough fuel for it first. And we need to start huntin' for real if we wanna keep eatin'. I'll be damned if I let-"
"Okay okay okay - chill! Don't think about that right now. I'm just saying... like... fuck, what am I trying to say," she muttered.
"You're tellin' me it's okay to lean on you for a change. Literally, in this case."
"Well, yeah."
"Everyone needs a little help from time to time."
"Yes! Exactly!"
All that trite bullshit. "Look... I appreciate what you're tryin' to do. I... understand that you wanna help me. That it feels good, to be there for someone you love... in their time of need. I ain't gonna fight you on it. I'm... clearly..." He made a vague gesture. "If we had to run for our lives right now, I'd be dead."
"I would be too, then."
He scowled at her again. "You think that's what I'd want?"
"Well, I wouldn't just fucking leave you here!" She scooched in and laid her head on his shoulder. "We're the same person, remember? What happens to one happens to the other."
Now wasn't the time to get into all that. "What I'm sayin' is... yes, maybe I'll need a little help. Just a little. That don't mean I have to like it. I'll try not to be... an insufferable asshole about it. Now we really can't just be sittin' out here, with Infected around, and in no position to react in time if the Wicked Witch of the West shows up... we've been gone from the jeep an' the horse too long already." He doubted the helicopter would find them this far out, but he didn't know that it wouldn't. And he couldn't assume that Monterey was the only operation utilizing a helicopter, either.
"So let me run down there and-"
"No. We'll go together," Joel insisted.
Ellie just looked at him for a long moment... with that look on her face that she'd get when she was seeing right into his soul. "It's not that you don't trust me to drive by myself for the whole... twenty seconds it would take to get here," she said at last. "It's more like... you imagine me walking around that bend in the road, out of your sight, and you don't know what's over there. You knew... like, fifteen minutes ago, but you don't know right now. So you wait and you wonder, and you think what if I never see her again. Which... I mean... yeah, I guess there's a teensy-weensy possibility? But it's so- that's just not gonna happen, okay? I'll run - it won't take me that long to get there, and I'll hurry the fuck back. As soon as I can see the jeep, I'll signal you that it's okay-"
"Stop. We ain't doin' that." Sacramento never would've happened if we'd stuck together. I need to know where you are and what you're doing, at all times. Making assumptions is too dangerous. ...Don't you know how precious you are?
Ellie was clearly struggling to remain patient with him. "But it makes way more sense than-"
"You gonna help me up, or what? Let's go," he barked.
Joel realized that if she wanted to, she could just take off. How could he stop her? Maybe if she were already tucked snugly in his arms, he could hold her there... but she wasn't. She was free to do as she pleased. Please don't do it, Ellie... PLEASE...
She slung his arm around her neck again and started to rise slowly, making sure he got his good foot underneath him before rising all the way, her arm securely around his waist. "If that fucking helicopter shows up in the next five minutes, when I could've already been there and back with the jeep? It's on you," she declared.
"Understood," he replied, trying not to lean too heavily into her. Thank you, baby girl.
The helicopter did not show up before they reached the jeep. Nor did it appear while Ellie was fixing up his foot, or when they started moving again. Ellie won the battle of who should drive, pointing out that if the helicopter - or any other enemies - should become a threat, she'd still need him to direct her, and it would be better if Joel could concentrate on the mental shit like that while leaving the physical tasks to her. He had grumbled that he could do both, but... the girl did have a point. The less he had to do physically right now, the better, because it was enough of a challenge just to block out the pain.
Between that and constantly scanning their surroundings for signs of trouble, his brain didn't have the capacity to also bemoan his uselessness, at least.
Joel had never been the type to dick around when there was work to be done; he just wasn't built that way. As part of a crew, it wasn't uncommon to come across guys like that. Men who would just hang back and let others do the hard stuff, or dawdle over whatever they were doing in order to expend the least amount of energy possible. It could be frustrating at times, especially when half-assers got undeserved recognition. The whole... shit-floats-to-the-top deal. But in time, he'd learned not to let situations like that bother him so much; he had his own shit to worry about, and quite the full plate of it. Hard work was eventually rewarded in one way or another. In Jackson, there was no monetary compensation... the only thing to be earned was the respect of others, and he didn't trouble himself too much over that, either. But he did take pride in a job well done. And he apparently inspired others to feel the same (although Ellie liked to say that he intimidated them into shaping up just by looking at them). It seemed like as soon as he'd learned the lay of the land, he'd come to be regarded as second-in-command in the crew- second to Craig more than Tommy, who still pitched in sometimes but had pretty much abdicated the foreman role long before (thankfully - because Joel still felt that working under his baby brother defied the laws of nature).
And now? Now Joel was one of those asshole supervisors who just bosses everyone around without lifting a finger himself. Not only that, but he was letting a teenage girl do the heavy lifting, so to speak. Granted, the girl was Ellie, so... she bossed right back. Mostly whenever he tried to help her with anything (even the things she had been okay with earlier, like cooking). She seemed to think that just because his foot was a little sore, he was too frail to do a goddamn thing. When they stopped for the night, she said that all he should be concerned with was keeping his foot elevated, and he should leave everything else to her.
It wasn't that she couldn't do it; she was more than capable. It just made him feel like scum of the earth.
Ellie had gotten her wish to stay in the park a bit longer. They would be spending the night there - another one in the jeep, because the only visitor center type place they'd seen was way the hell back. If there was any lodging in the park itself, the atlas wasn't privy to it. And if they didn't have to wind through all the mountains on a circuitous route, they probably could've made it out that same day and found a house somewhere. He expected it would be cold, too, being at a higher elevation than the night before. There were patches of snow on the ground... and Joel prayed they wouldn't see any snowflakes in the air as well before morning.
On Ellie's orders, he was lounging by the dying fire, his goddamn foot resting on her backpack while he reclined, his own backpack serving as a pillow. She had built the fire. Done all the meal prep and cooking, washed and dried the dishes after, and put everything away. She brought him what he needed to brush his teeth and wash up a little. She took care of Fox, untacking him and rubbing him down and picketing him. She moved all their shit out of the back seat and put the top up on the jeep. Put up the poncho 'doors', quite pleased with herself for fashioning the one side like a tent flap that they could enter and exit through. All while he sat on his... dirt throne. She didn't complain about a damn thing. In fact, she seemed quite happy to do it all.
Her cheerfulness grated on Joel's nerves. He hated every minute of this, but he lacked the fortitude to keep arguing with her. He'd been in a lousy mood all day - since the injury, at least. He'd snapped at Ellie a few times, mostly when she tried to cheer him up... but for the most part, she took her cue and left him to stew in his misery. He certainly owed her an apology; he had told her he would try not to be a dick. It wasn't her fault. I'll be extra sweet to her tomorrow. Or whenever I get over myself.
She scurried over and plopped down beside him. "I got the back seat all ready! I think I made it easy for you to prop your foot up, if you lay with your-"
"I don' need to prop it up all night. I'll sleep with it like normal." If he even slept at all. Maybe I should stick it outside... let the cold air numb it for me... Ellie had tried to fashion him some kind of ice pack out of snow and a sock, but that hadn't gone very well.
"Well... okay, but it's still all swollen-"
"It'll be fine."
"You know it'll hurt less if-"
"It'll be fine."
"Just see if it's comfortable, my way. Okay? If you hate it, then you do what you want."
"Fine. Is it bedtime now?"
She seemed taken aback by that. "Uh... you're asking me?"
"You're runnin' the show."
"Um... yeah, I guess it is. It's almost dark... the fire's pretty much burned out, so..."
It didn't feel safe to build one close enough to the jeep for them to reap any benefit from it. Besides, Joel was wary enough of making fires in the first place, as it was essentially shooting up a flare to call over any hunters in the area; having one going while they were asleep was really asking for it. Come and rob us, we won't stop you - it's a goddamn free-for-all over here! "It's dark enough. And I don' know about you, but I'm ready to get this shitty day over with."
He thought she might have a snarky response to that. Something along the lines of "me too, since you've been a major asshole all day." But she didn't. She made no reply at all, other than to coax him into position so she could help him up. Once he was standing, she let him put his own backpack on while she fetched hers (probably because he'd nearly bitten her head off the last time she had tried to help with that - the only thing worse was when she tried to carry it for him), then they hobbled over to the jeep together.
"Do you have to pee?" she asked him (and she couldn't help him much with that, either).
"I just went... prob'ly not even an hour ago, remember?"
"Okay, just checking. Here... your bag will fit in this spot right down here." He let her pull it off of him and stuff it on the floor... behind what he presumed was the 'elevation' stack. And he made himself marginally useful by holding the 'tent flap' open for her (so much help, that was). "Mine can be your pillow... if you're sure you don't wanna use a T-shirt."
"We need to wear as many layers as we can," he reminded her.
"Yeah, okay... I got everything out already." First, she had to find places to stash their gear. They kept the arrangements similar to the night before, with guns accessible under the seats, holsters and bulkier items in the front but as out of sight as possible. Then she alternated between handing him a shirt and putting one on herself. When she gave him his sweatshirt, he pushed it back toward her.
"You can wear that."
"I have my hoodie," she argued.
"Still. It's gonna be freezin', Ellie. With you mostly on top of me, it'll be pretty much like me wearin' it anyhow. Put my sweat pants on over your jeans, too. I'm sure they'll fit."
She didn't protest. "What we're really supposed to do is get naked, you know," she smirked as she stepped into his sweatpants. "Our body heat will warm each other up."
He leaned against the jeep while she dressed. "Sure. Then if we get woken up in the middle of the night, we can ask our enemies to hold off for a minute while we put our clothes back on."
She sighed. "There's no hunters up here, and we haven't seen any Infected since that one group. But we could fight naked if we had to."
He supposed they could, as long as they remained in the jeep, with all of their weapons no more than an arm's length away. But it was just so ingrained in him- "No sleepin' naked Outside. We'll be warm enough." If worse came to worst, they could use the jeep's heater for short periods if they had to.
She wriggled into his sweatshirt and then gave him a hug... or maybe she was just trying to prevent him from keeling over, fragile flower that he was. "You just don't want any hunters seeing me naked. But who cares? We'd just be killing them anyways."
Her tone was light... playful, even. No doubt she was hoping he'd respond playfully in turn. Say something like "damn straight - no hunters are gonna see my baby girl in the nude and live to tell about it." But he didn't. Any desire he may have had to keep things 'normal' for her had completely burned out. He just scowled at her. "You done now? Let's get in the goddamn jeep already."
She pulled back. "Okay, um... should I go in first, so I can pull you up and-"
"Just get out of the way. I can climb back there on my own." He sounded like a prick to his own ears. Would it kill me to be a little bit nicer to her? ...Maybe it would, since he wasn't doing it.
She didn't say a word... just got the hell out of his way. Farther than she needed to. He got the sense she'd been about to snap at him and then had swallowed the reply instead. She let him climb in (basically propelling himself forward with his arms, since he'd lost the use of her as a launching pad) and maneuver himself into a comfortable (ish) position. He expected her to climb in right after him, but... what the hell is she doing? ...One blanket landed on his head... then the other.
"I'm sleeping in the front," she announced.
"Ellie, don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not! I'll prob'ly annoy you less from up here."
He yanked the blankets off. "There's no room." Since she'd moved the seats forward and they had their shit up there.
"I can fit." She moved a couple things to the other seat and demonstrated. With the passenger seat between them, Joel couldn't see her, but judging by where her voice was coming from and the fact that her legs weren't sticking out in either direction, he assumed she was partly on the floor.
"You'll freeze," he countered.
"Just tuck the flap behind your bag to shut the door. I have your sweatshirt."
Right - that'll make up for not having real doors... or blankets... or extra body heat... He sighed. "You're pissed. I'm sorry, all right? It's just been a real crappy day."
"Well, if you want me to sleep back there..."
"Of course I do." He was pretty sure he wouldn't get much sleep anyway; he might as well make himself useful for a change and serve as an Ellie warmer.
She abandoned her ludicrous idea of sleeping in the front and clambered into the back, 'shutting the door' herself. Joel shifted a bit and tucked her into the crook of his arm, squishing her (and the arm) against the back of the seat.
"I should be on the other side, shouldn't I," she mused. "Away from your bad foot? Or... actually, we should probably face the other way this time. So you're not all... twisty-like. To put your foot up."
"This is fine. I can't lay up against the seat anyhow or there's no room for you."
She scooched more on top of him than beside him. "You did say I'd be mostly on top of you..."
"I don't think you'll be comfy like that all night."
She started tucking the blankets snugly into place over them. "Sure I will be. In fact... I have an idea," she purred into his neck. "This will totally cheer you up...~"
He felt her hand groping around down there. "We're wearin' too many clothes," he protested. As if that couldn't be remedied.
"You don't even have to take yours off, and I can just… I'll manage." She kissed up to his ear. "You said we could do it back here, and we haven't yet, so... now would be a great time... it'd make you feel better..."
Joel snorted. "A pity fuck? No thank you."
She froze. In shock, he presumed. "A... what?"
"You heard me." ...Am I TRYING to piss her off now? He didn't particularly want to have sex at the moment, and Ellie didn't always take no for an answer, but... still. Bit harsh, that one. He wouldn't have been surprised if she moved back to the front seat in a huff, spewing sarcastic remarks left and right.
She didn't, though. She pulled her arm back up to his chest. Laid her head down, just above his heart. And she was quiet.
He started stroking her hair, a gesture that was usually soothing for both of them. Maybe she'll just go to sleep...
But she finally spoke. "If this is about... that night..."
Christ- "No. It's about... can we just go to sleep already."
She ignored this. "Yes, I feel bad that you feel bad right now, but... I love you, Joel. And I love having sex with you. Even if there's like... sort of an ulterior motive to it, sometimes? I still love it. Like that night. Or like now, when I just thought it might-"
"Ellie, stop. I ain't tryin' to... punish you for that. Don't analyze this, or... read too much into it... I'm just bein' a jerk. Just... go to sleep. Please."
"Whether it's punishment or not... it's still in your head," she said, her voice somber and soft. "I know it is. And you... I like it when you call it making love. Because... it is making love, when we do it. Every time. Maybe some times more than others, but... don't you think that, too? Don't you feel that way about it?"
Joel remembered the day he'd crossed the line with her... the point-of-no-return as far as ever being father and daughter again... that was their anniversary, according to Ellie. Marked by their first kiss. Ellie had asked if he wanted to fuck her, or if they were going to fuck when they got home... a bit cheekily, yes, but mostly serious. Because she figured that's what couples do: they fuck. He had let it go at first, but later, he'd made it clear that he didn't like that word in this context... not when it applied to her. What a sanctimonious piece of shit I was, congratulating myself on not taking advantage of her. Feeling like she was better off with me because I would never do that. Nope! I decided I would wait until she turned eighteen, if she wasn't long gone before then. How long was it, though, until we started messing around... a month? Less? And after that, only three more months until I took her virginity - still three years shy of eighteen. I'm a real stand-up guy, alright. I should get a goddamn medal.
"Joel?"
He realized she was still waiting for an answer to her question... although he didn't recall exactly how she'd worded it... am I supposed to answer yes, or no? "What?"
"Um... I said it's not fucking, when we do it. It's making love. Right?"
And that question stemmed from... his uncharacteristic use of the word 'fuck'? He hadn't meant anything by the word in particular. It was just part of the expression, the way he'd heard it. "Yes. Of course." He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a very tight squeeze. "Love you, baby girl."
"Good," she breathed. "I love you, too. Soooo much."
"Didn't mean to scare you." He relaxed his grip but kept his arms where they were.
"You didn't. It's okay. You're feeling crappy and I know you hate me doing things for you-"
"I don't hate it," he lied.
"Yes you do. It like... threatens your manhood or something. That's why I thought maybe... you know. Don't guys feel manly when they have sex?"
Joel chuckled at that. Actually chuckled, bad mood and all. Only Ellie. "Not when we can't get it up. That would be the icing on the cake after today."
"Cake? Whatever - you don't have that problem."
"Bet I would tonight. -No, that wasn't a challenge. Pretty sure you'd have to work too damn hard." Or maybe she wouldn't... maybe his body would jump at the chance to feel pleasure, and his reluctance was purely mental. He didn't care - he just wasn't feeling up to it, period. "Just layin' here like this... this is good. ...You good?"
"Yeah. This is good. I'll shut up and let you rest." She squiggled up a little to give him a gentle kiss. "Good night, Joel."
"Good night, baby girl. I promise I'll be nicer to you tomorrow. I'm sorry I-"
She cut him off with another kiss... tender and sweet. (... Just like her.) "You do whatever you need to do to get through the day, okay? I ain't goin' nowhere."
Great... so she's giving me verbal PERMISSION to treat her like shit now. "That's my line," he protested.
"I'm just borrowing it! You can have it back." She settled back into her sleeping position.
The fact that she'd handled his bad temper so maturely only made him feel worse. Even what had appeared to be a hissy fit moment - going to sleep up front - seemed to be more about not wanting to annoy him any further than about her expressing her annoyance with him.
It took her a while to fall asleep. Both of them lay there silently for... well, he had no idea how long. Maybe a couple of hours. Or maybe it just felt that long, given how lousy he felt. At any rate, it was a long time for Ellie not to talk if she was indeed awake, but usually he could sort of... feel it, when she fell asleep. And it felt like she was just laying there awake... not discontent or restless or anything, just... peaceful-like. He hoped that meant she wasn't analyzing his dickishness; hadn't she already analyzed those two little words enough? More often than not, if she was thinking hard about something, she would eventually verbalize it somehow... and she remained quiet this time. Maybe she'd finally given up on talking to him today. Given up the hope of him responding like a human being. She probably figured she was better off keeping her thoughts to herself. I did tell her NOT to dwell on it... but then, how many times had she told him not to feel guilty about this, that, or the other when it came to corrupting her or some shit... and how much of it had actually landed? Plus, he hadn't been particularly reassuring tonight. This is one time I probably SHOULD have sex with her...
Make love to her, rather. But he was so completely not in the mood that his declaration earlier hadn't been a lie: he seriously doubted he'd be able to perform. It would do the exact opposite of what Ellie had intended. He also doubted she really wanted it herself, after the way he'd been treating her all day. He suspected it was just part of her taking-care-of-Joel repertoire... despite her words to the contrary.
He idly stroked her hair, before and after she eventually drifted off (…to the point where her breathing left no doubt in his mind that she was asleep). He nearly dozed off himself a few times, but a pulse of pain would always jar him awake. He'd certainly suffered worse, but this... this constant... it's just goddamn annoying, is what it is. It wasn't anywhere near bad enough to render him unconscious, and not mild enough that he could find a way to ignore it or tune it out while the only task at hand was as passive as falling asleep. He had no ice pack to apply to it, no pain relievers to pop.
He wanted to stretch, or roll over... change position somehow. Knowing that he was pretty much penned in how he was only seemed to make him want it more. He always did enjoy listening to Ellie sleep, though. It was impossible to be unaffected by it, although the calming effect didn't seem to be extending to his brain this time. My sweet baby girl... you're seeing the real me now... and you don't even know what you're signing up for.
Joel knew. And with hours of sleeplessness ahead of him to ruminate on shit... well, that's exactly what he did. He saw flashes of their future - situations like this, where Joel was ailing in some way, foul-tempered, burdening Ellie, sniping at her for no good reason… and poor Ellie, bearing it all like the trooper that she was, because she loved him. Joel wasn't getting any younger, after all. He knew Ellie loved it when he played with her, physically... not even sexually (although she liked that, too)... just things like squeezing her 'as hard as he could.' Keeping something just out of her reach, making her struggle to get it... the play-wrestling... tickle wars... carrying her around in his arms or on his back... There would come a day when he couldn't do any of that. When he actually could squeeze her as hard as he was capable of and not injure her. I should start working out twice as hard as usual...
But it would still only be delaying the inevitable. You might be able to stall Father Time, but the bastard will always catch up with you at some point.
"I don't care about any of that, Joel," the Ellie in his head would say. (He'd recently learned that she had a Joel in her head, and that he could be a real prick sometimes.) Yes, she would say she loves him for who he is, none of that shit matters, etcetera. And she would mean it, on some level. But some part of her would miss the fun times. Would fret about him getting older, and what it meant. His life winding down while hers was revving up.
And some part of her, he was pretty sure, wanted children. Not right now - in the future, say... ten years. Well, Joel was too old for that now. And she was too young. This wasn't a new thought; it had been niggling at him for quite a while. He'd even toyed with the idea of possibly trying to have a baby with her... after that conversation they'd had on the beach a few months back - about what she was supposed to do after him, because the way she saw it, she would die when he died. He'd had no answer for her at the time, other than some trite take-one-day-at-a-time bullshit. Didn't I even advise her to carry my love around in her heart? (Yeah, the romantic answer hadn't satisfied her, either.) Only later did it occur to him that a child of his could be a great comfort to her, when he was gone. It would certainly give her a reason to go on living. If they never went back to Jackson (or maybe just stayed away for a few years), they could do it. They could go back to Monterey... those hippies wouldn't give two shits. ...Unless we just completely blew up their community, of course... THAT option could be off the table...
But the idea hadn't stuck anyway. She was too young, and he would be far too old when she wasn't. How could he in good conscience father a child he most likely wouldn't be around to raise to adulthood? And it wasn't just the age thing - he had no desire to have another child. Why would he want to put himself through that hell again? Wasn't it bad enough that he had Ellie to worry about? To ache over?
Ellie... he hadn't wanted a child then, either, but she had wormed her way into his heart, against his will. And, hard as it was to love another person in this world, he couldn't honestly say he regretted it. She had filled his heart... enriched his life... beyond measure. But that had happened by accident. To just... put himself in that position, voluntarily? When he could simply avoid it and thus save himself a shitload of heartache? Hell no.
As for the romance... he couldn't regret taking that step either. Not really. Selfishly speaking, he was happier, more fulfilled... more everything with her than he'd ever been in his whole life. The regret started to creep in only when he stopped being selfish long enough to think about how unfair it was to her. Maybe not right now... As far as first boyfriends went - first experiences - he reckoned he was all right. More than all right. If she would just... outgrow him. Move on from him. Not uncommon for first boy/girlfriends. She would have fond memories of all her 'firsts,' and a good foundation... a good sense of self-respect, and confidence... all that shit that would set her up for good, healthy relationships in the future. That's what he was giving her. That was the benefit of loving an older man and not some bumbling idiot teenage boy.
But... why did that have to wait until he died? What if he let her go before then - when she was still young enough to live the life she deserved?
And eventually he'd come around to I don't trust anyone else to keep her safe. Right... because wasn't he doing a hell of a job of that so far? How many times had he nearly gotten her killed? Yes, he had survival skills. Yes, he had a decent sixth sense for danger. But mostly, she was alive today out of sheer goddamn luck. ...Salt Lake City notwithstanding (and he would never regret what he'd done there. Never).
Then there was Ellie herself to consider. Her feelings. Strong feelings that he'd cultivated, for Chrissakes. She loved him fiercely. He knew she did. This was not just some silly teenage crush. Her love for him was unhealthy to the point of dysfunction, perhaps, but the fact was, she would never leave him. No matter how old he got... or how shitty he treated her. He couldn't reward such devotion by breaking her heart. That would be more cruel than-
She'd get over it, asshole. She was young and resilient, with a good support system in Jackson.
The truth of it was that Joel was just too goddamn weak to walk away.
She shifted a little, turning her head the other way, rolling her shoulder a bit... Joel tried to settle her in the crook of his opposite arm as best he could, tugging the blankets up where they had slipped. When she seemed cozy again... when the soft, steady rhythm of her sleep-breathing resumed... he tucked the blankets more snugly around her. I hope I can keep her warm enough... He felt pretty toasty himself, but she always felt the cold more acutely than he did.
-Goddamnit… I just love her too much. I don't have it in me to leave her. I'd sooner eat a bullet than do that. I NEED her... like I need air to breathe.
And yet... if I love her... TRULY love her... shouldn't I only want what's best for her? Even if he did dismiss the she-should-be-with-someone-she-can-have-a-family-with thing, he would inevitably hinder her in some way, if she stayed with him. Like today: if they'd had to face an overwhelming number of Infected after he got injured, and been forced to run, she wouldn't have left him to save herself. He could hope that her survival instinct would take over in the heat of the moment, but... it hadn't so far, in any of the dangerous situations they'd found themselves in. Knowing that it's what he would want her to do wouldn't matter to her. Especially if she continued to think that once his life ended, hers would as well. He was allowed to feel that way, if the situation were flip-flopped, but she was not. Not at her age. How can I convey to her how WRONG she is to feel that way about me... when it's exactly how I feel about her? The only way to 'cure' her of that is to distance myself, until she-
No. He couldn't do it. He just wasn't that damn noble, especially when he knew how much it would hurt her.
Back to square one.
And so the cycle continued throughout the endless night. Ankle throbbing, mind twitching... heart aching, despite the comfort of holding his baby girl so close to it. Ellie was sleeping soundly, oblivious to it all, safe and warm. Perfectly content just to be bundled up with him, it seemed. Ignorance truly is bliss.