-nearly a century earlier-
"GET ME OUT OF THIS COFFIN!"
it turned out that madara was not actually dead like hashirama thought
-present-
Mobs were crowding the street as they surrounded one uzumaki naruto while slapping his face with metal bats without him somehow dying even though one of them had used a sword to nearly decapitate him but somehow he is still alive even though his neck is barely attached to the rest of his body.
"DIE DEMON!"
one screamed.
"No."
was naruto's apathetic answer.
"I SAID DIE DEMON!"
"If I died, I might transform into an actual demon spirit and kill everyone so it really seems counter-productive for me to die." once again, with boredom says naruto.
a ball of fire slams into naruto, burning his orange jumpsuit. not like people cared, since they loathed that "kill-me" orange colored jumpsuit.
"DIE DEMON FOX!" this time it was a ninja ANBU who are supposedly only loyal to the hokage but apparently they aren't.
"Okay, that's it. I'm out of here" naruto decided to just get the hell of the village but somehow he magically teleported in some sewers and he was promptly hugged by a big-breasted woman with nine fox tails and fox ears.
"yay! handsome alpha male is with me!" she said, and naruto liked being hugged by her for some reason.
-Skip to exposition talk.-
"So, you are a nine tailed fox who can turn into a woman?" naruto looked at the woman dubiously.
"yes, I can transform into a human." kurama told him as she stripped naked.
"Okay, then why didn't you do that when the yondaime was going to seal you? I thought you wanted freedom or smth, right?"
"SSSSHHHH!" she shushed him.
"this story doesn't need to have common sense, and me transforming into a human-sized woman to hide for millenias would mean that I am using common sense!"
naruto opened his mouth, then closed it.
"okay now" kurama, the tailed woman speaks "so you are a jinchuriki, one of the nine people who have a biju like me inside of them. Now listen to what I'm going to say. All jinchuriki are very important to the balance of the elemental nations, and that's why they should be treated with respect since having a beast of destruction against you is stupid," Unless when it suits the plot "and they must be trained properly" unless when it suits the plot "and the combined power of biju and jinchuriki combined are basically unstoppable!" unless when it suits the plot "you must remember this because nothing will make sense from now on!"
"oh, my God I don't care!" naruto promptly got away from her, but not after doing the deed with her.
-skip to after another "fox hunt" event-
"kay..." naruto says as he looks at the forest of death, a forest so deadly even jonin don't carelessly enter it but somehow a random child who was hunted by villagers somehow managed to a) find it while running away from mobs who he can easily knock unconscious, b) enter it with no problem, and c) isn't immediately hunted by freaking giant animals even though he was deep inside the forest.
"if I didn't know any better, I would have though I am being here just for convenient life-changing event happeni- oh wait, is that a sword?!"
and as clear as day, there was a huge pitch black sword that is apparently two meters tall and it's blade is nearly half-meter wide.
naruto went to touch it, and he was immediately teleported into his mindscape and he saw a 30 years old woman who has breasts almost as big as tsunade's, almost completely naked of course, and she hugged him, telling him that she was the spirit of the sword and that she was there for nearly a century, and asked him to call her by her name: MILF.
don't ask why this sword is taking the form of a woman, or why she would call herself MILF.
don't also bother asking how the hell did the sword stay hidden without any genjutsu or seals protecting it from the outside world, or how did none of the ninjas who make very precise checking procedures at the forest, and who make sure to look at every corner in this lethal dead zone had never seen this sword at all.
naruto definitely didn't as the moment MILF touched him, he somehow gained the knowledge of just a few thousand sword styles, giving him the power to be stronger than the hokage in just a few seconds.
wow, what a great adventure that naruto had~!
-skip to graduation day-
"wait, did I literally skip years of my life without changing a thing about konoha's hatred even though I could have made my life better? this makes no sense!" Naruto says in confusion due to the extreme skip and how nothing about his treatment seemed to change even though he knew why they hated him, and he looked at his body that was somehow way more muscular than fucking jonathan joestar.
"Hey weird teacher! Aren't I supposed to be twelve? why am I looking like 20-30 years old?"
"uhhh" Iruka sweaed then threw a mask on him. "your breathing is wrong!"
"what?"
-skip to graduation day, again?-
"okay, what's with all the washing machines turning my clothes darker than coal? I was pretty sure no one messed with my apartment."
"because sexy is edgy black~!" came kurama's answer from his mind.
"goddamnit!"
Females of his class looked at him. Especially hinata with her byakugan active, and looking straight at his pants.
"OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGG! HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOO HHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"
"Da faq?"
Sasuke looked at him both with anger and adoration.
"I hate you for taking away my harem of girls who I love rejecting with my cold and cruel heart, but I respect you for this chance to breath, so I would not kill you for now! Be grateful for my mercy!"
sasuke said while mocking him at the end.
"whatever."
naruto dutifully ignored sakura's shriek of naruto needing to kneel to sasuke.
-skip to kakashi and hiruzen before the bell test-
"look kakashi, you must solely focus on the uchiha prick, and teach the girl nothing, and purposely sabotage naruto, even though he is konoha's weapon of mass dstruction. and yes, I am choosing this because danzo is being annoying and telling me to actually train the boy, and I want to show him how much he sucks compared to me!"
hiruzen spoke as he kept smoking his weed, and kakashi kneeled worshipping his hokage's great judgement.
Hiruzen is definitely a brilliant god of shinobiiiiii!
-meanwhile, with kurenai and her future team-
"now, my dear future students" kurenai looked at her team as the three students were inside a dark huge room, with a very huge statue of a naked woman with every private part deliberately made huge enough that an adult can easily fit, while hiding her arousal at the idea of hinata being in the team, and the disgust at seeing two males in her team, but hopefully she will only have hinata at the end of this day...
"this is your test, you will enter the privates of the statue, and you must find your way to the outside of the building, but one misstep and you die, go!"
of coyurse, what she didn't tell them is that this statue is designed to activate a flamethrower at the entrances if the one entering was not a male.
she had to admit, while she loathes jigsaw, his traps were awesome for torturing men.
she watched as the guys went through the 'nipples' of the statues, but much to her confusion, they managed to exit the room with no problem, and the traaps did not activate at all.
'how!?' she banged her head.
the two males should hve been killed, this way she would only train hinata in the true ways of "feminism (AKA: misandry)", but now she has to actually train TWO MALES!?
had she bothered reading the academy reports of the kids, she would have known that shino is gay and kiba is already being trated as the "bitch" of his clan. that's how the two survived.
-skip to wave mission-
"wait, why did we choose this mission exactly again? I was pretty sure we could have gotten a more suited mission."
Once again, naruto's voice of reason got disregarded by the almighty uchiha stick in sasuke's rear, his teacher and the pink menace.
Suddenly mist started covering them.
"ho, so you saw me?" zabuza says.
"no, you just told us you are here" naruto pointed at him.
(insert epicly boring fight later)
"okay, so our useless uchiha-loving teacher was once again so useless he could not kll a mere jonin. shame." naruto laments as he carries his unconscious team like a sack of potatoes and then throws them on the floor after entering tazuna's house.
"stop bothering with fighting. it's hopeless!" inari yells at naruto.
"well, I once got nearly killed and you didn't so that automatically makes me a hero when telling others how much they suck but makes you a whiner. now shut up and help me."
""oh, mister naruto-sama I'll ever forget your painful past and kindness!" Inari cries and starts worshipping naruto.
-skip to 2nd zabuza fight-
"to defeat me, you must approach me!" zabuza says, only to find naruto behind him.
"surprise, bitch!" naruto punched zabuza who dropped his sword and flew while screaming "WWWWRRRRRYYYYY!" and then zabuza's body exploded.
Haku appears out of thin air and latches to naruto "hey I am haku, the girl who lied to you and said she was a boy even though I wore feminine clothes and it made no sense why I would lie since I could literally freeze gato and his minions in seconds but well, I am now yours, accept me and I'll show you the 'goods'."
"kay?"
"DOBE! I order you to give me your powers' secret! and also, that ice bitch is mineMINEMINE! HUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
"YES NARUTO-BAKA! GIVE SASUKE-KUN THE POWER AND WOMEN HE DESERVES!"
"maa, maa, naruto-kun, you should help make your teammates stronger and happier, understand?"
"what about no?" naruto rhetorically fired back at his 'team'.
"""Curses! Foiled again!""" the rest of 'team' 7 fumed in rage.
-skip to chunin exam first test-
"the whole test makes no sense. you can't fail us since that is stupid, and also you will get fired if you think you can do that."
"good thinking uzumaki! you are brilliant and you deserve to be my student in the arts of torture and interrogation!" ibiki praised naruto while half the females were ogling the boy.
-skip to forest of death-
"hey, why don't we just make a bunch of shadow clones transform into a bird and then fly to the tower while uzumaki throws exploding clones on the competition and be done with it?" Inner Sakura asked outer sakura who yelled at her and told her not to distract her from her very important job of ogling sasuke who was blatantly glaring at naruto who called him 'teme'.
Unfortunately, because sakura didn't have enough braincells to accept an easy plan, they got attacked by a snake.
At least, it was only orochimaru, not that Cream Stand of Vanilla Ice of the Jojo universe.
-skip to after the konoha invasion-
"okay, so I have made sex with like, a bazillion woman, made a serial killing machine jinchuriki become my friend with some cringy friendship speech, sakura fell in trouble and proved to be useless, and sasuke is being more EMO than usual, god what a month."
-skip to tsunade search arc-
"so our vilage's choices of hokage candidates are only a pervert who writes porn books and a big breasted alcoholic gambler who somehow did not get captured when out of it even though those wanting to capture her could literally hire enough jonins to give hatake a run for his money. makes sense."
Naruto will then convince tsunade to become the konoha president. somehow.
-skip to sasuke defection arc-
"sasuke! stop this foolishness and go back to konoha with me!" naruto yelled at sasuke from his place at hashirama's statue.
"no! goddamn it! I want this so stop trying to drag me there!" sasuke yelled, just like a boy who has to deal with that one stubborn insane guy who wants him to add the crazy man as a friend in his facebook page.
"your clan wouldn't like this!"
"well, maybe they won't but at least I knew my roots, unlike you who keeps forcing 'nakama' bullshit down my throat!" sasuke fired at naruto, who now took the tailed beast mode.
"that's it! I will now beat you for insulting my dead family, even though I know nothing abou them and for all I know my mom is a prostitue and my father a rapist, but well I have to kill you!" naruto jumped in rage, but...
"AIYAIYAYIAAAAAAAAAAA!"
a huge amount of wood appeared out of thin air, capturing naruto and rupturing his heart and breaking his arms, knocking him unconscious in the process.
"SASUKE SAMA! SAKURA HARUNO TO THE RESCUE! I FOUND I CAN ACTIVATE MOKUTON! AND I MANAGED TO BANISH MY NAROTO-LOVING SPLIT PERSONALITY IN ANOTHER BODY IN THE LEAF! NOW, NIGERUNDAYOOOOOO!" and then sakura held a traumatised sasuke bride-style and both escaped into peadomaru to learn how to increase the length of their tongues.
and become strong enough to kill itachi, yeah, that too.
~few days later, in konoha~
"now, now, what do we have here?"
naruto, bound by chains and supressing seals and locked in a jail, glared at the guy who was goating at him.
namikaze minato. accompanying him were uzuamaki kushina along with two kids, a red haired boy and a blond girl. don't bother askng how they survived, or how they managed to hid themselves for more than a decade, because that would require using common sense!
"now, don't be angry, dear son, this was fated to be! for the sake of prophecy, you must die since you have the kyubi, therefore OBVIOUSLY the one who will destroy it!"
"that... doesn't make any sense. at all... you know that right?" naruto asked him in tranquil fury.
"of course sochi! I know it makes no sense! just like the fact I sexually love my other children more than your father! not like incest makes sense either, I guess. BUT! you are going to die for the sake of peace! also, for the fact you allowed that pesky traitor to escape, even though we could care less about filthy uchihas." kushina casually stated as she moaned as menma and mito (the blond girl) groped their mothers tits with their father blatantly ignoring it.
no doubt minato has selective amnesia when it comes to his wife cheating on him or something.
"but it's not my fault that sakura and sasuke managed to surprise me while I was only using 1/1000000000 of my full power!"
"that's no excuse!" minato threw a small kunai that barely pierced naruto, but naruto started convulsing in pain as somehow, this kunai had a poison so powerful it can kill a jinchuriki.
and thus naruto died.
-skip to ten seconds later in heaven-
"you've gotta be fucking me!" naruto looked at kami, yami, and shinigami, who had the form of sexy females with barely any clothing.
anyways, an orgy later, naruto became even more OP via the blessings of the deities, and was about to trai-
{in another world, diavlo screamed: "KING CRIMSON! ERASE THE TIME OF THE NEXT THREE YEARS!"}
-and we are forcefully cut to shippuuden-
naruto returned to the elemental nations after three years of off-screen training and sex qith the gods who are too lecherous and lazy to just kill the akatsuki and minato and be done with it.
he goes to wave, who is somehow being opressed by konoha that was somehow still floating even with all their trade routes cut off.
he goes there, and kills konoha ninjas there quickly with no mercy but somehow, even though he didn't allow any spies to see him, the leaf village had the relevation that he returned, and they go crazy, with danzo wishing he could havegotten naruto in ROOT as a slave.
days later, naruto goes to save "best girl" gaara from the clutches of the akatsuki, and kills sasori and deidara.
and the news of naruto spread like wildfire, gaara cut the alliance of suna and konoha even though both villages are still in need of allies.
few days later, danzo loses his mind, goes searching for naruto, planning on abusing his izanagi to reject naruto's reality and substitue it with his own, as ell as using shisui's eye as well to have his own jinchuriki pet.
adly, naruto was having sex with tsunami when he attacked, and now a ferocious naruto with the power of boners boosting him decimated danzo in a fraction of a second.
-meanwhile in konoha-
"okay girls!" hinata yells with her EE-cup breasts nearly popping from her jacket, "we must escape konoha, now that our lord and saviour naruto sama is here! we shall dutifully ignore the fact that we barely did anything important except looking pretty and acting sad for being forced into marriage during those three years!"
"yeah!" ino, tenten, good sakura who has huge breasts (not the one with sasuke, that one is evil), along with mito who was interested in twincest yelled in confidence, and managed to escape konoha with no problem at all.
they met naruto days later and they had an orgy.
-days later-
naruto made an alliance with kumo, suna, kiri and a few billion other 'secret' villages... somehow.
Pein hated this derailment to his plot to rule over ZA WARUDO so he ordered the akatsuki to attack naruto and his allies, but sadly, naruto knew the most effective way to deal with them:
he allowed his dear girls to be on the frontlines, and put a subtle genjutsu on them making the women think the akatsuki males were naked and being perverted.
all girls turned into beautiful sexy female hulks and decimated the whole akatsuki, madara included.
menwhile, orochimaru got killed by sasuke who was in his brooding revenge maniac mode, with sakura sacrificing herself to gie him the mokuton and rinnegan.
sadly, sasuke also lost to the power of female fury and died.
then naruto went with all his allies to konoha, torturing every single person and child as if they were the spawn of satan, and konoha was burned to a crisp.
well, only the males died, the females were brainwashed into obeying naruto, the great lordand saviour of all.
feminism and gender equality, people.
HOORAY!
-Epilogue-
Naruto's reign as the supreme overlord overpopulated the planet with his tendency to have sex with and sexually ruining any woman that meets his fancy, so after he died of old age, the entire population died.
The end?