BPOV

I felt incredibly awkward sitting across from this therapist. Her hair was all grey, almost silver, cut into a straight bob. She was dressed no different than any other 9-5 business office prick. She looked like she was in her early 60's or something. The brown leather couch and dim lighting were supposed to soothe, but something about being here set my teeth on edge.

I chipped at my dark green nail polish while she watched me- waited for me to say something. Waited for me to say something worthy of scribbling down in her little notepad. How was I supposed to tell all my dirty secrets to some random stranger? I guess in some ways it was easier than telling your own family, but it was all...strange.

"What brings you in today, Bella?"

Before I could form any cohesive or sensical sentence, I blurted, "I'm pregnant."

I squeezed my eyes shut and internally scolded myself. Even a blind person could see I was pregnant, you idiot. This was an entirely stupid idea. My entirely stupid idea.

She smiled kindly, "How far along are you?"

"Almost 8 months."

"Do you want to start there? Your pregnancy?" She asked with no judgement in her words or eyes. I wondered if she was just good at hiding her judgment or if she really just didn't judge me? Was the kind smile fake or did she really mean it?

"I didn't want it," I blurted again, like I needed to let this perfect stranger know, before she did judge me, that none of this was my choice. "To be pregnant- to-to...do it. I never wanted that."

"No?"

I shook my head, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. "But I am, and I'm going to keep the baby. And I just- I don't want to be a bad mom, you know?"

She offered a small smile and a tissue. "Why do you think you're going to be a bad mother?"

"Other than the fact that I'm only 17...I- Something happened the other night and I kinda spiraled a little. I was fine the next morning, but I felt empty. Hollow." I looked up and she nodded for me to continue. "Anyway, I- um...had a doctor's appointment and when I saw the baby...I just felt whole again. They filled that void for me."

"That doesn't sound like a bad mom to me," she offered.

I shook my head, once again trying to will someone else to understand what went on inside my twisted mind. "It's just, I remember Renee, my mom, doing that to me. She dated around a lot, sometimes it was just one date, sometimes a relationship. It didn't matter, but the second they broke up or she missed my dad and their life. Really anytime anything went wrong, there'd be this- this...silence. For a few days, everything would be really quiet, really dull. And I'd be the one picking up the pieces, cooking, cleaning, that kind of thing. And when the quiet was done, she poured everything into me. We'd eat out, amusement parks, movies, mother-daughter dates and trips- almost like it was my job to make her happy again. It was fine as a kid, those were some of the most fun times I ever had with her- what kid doesn't like doing all those things and missing school, you know? But when I got older, it became making her happy and keeping her alive. It was a lot to put on me."

"Co-dependency is a lot of pressure to put on a child."

I nodded, excited that someone else could understand that it was too much weight to carry as a child. "Yeah- and I looked at my baby and I realized I was doing exactly what Renee did. Using them to fill the void, give me a purpose again," I chewed on my lip trying to figure out how to continue. "They're not even here yet, and I'm already doing that. I don't want to be like Renee, I don't want my kid to feel like I did when I was growing up. Does that make sense?"

She nodded, once again offering me another kind, patient smile. "It makes perfect sense, Bella. You mentioned something caused you to have a bit of a breakdown?"

I reluctantly nodded, adjusting myself to play off the uneasiness. "I was trying to call Renee." I could already feel myself tremble thinking about hearing his voice, still with another deep breath I told her what happened. "I've been trying to call her for a while now, to tell her about- you know," I gestured down to my baby bump. "My dad's been really on my case about telling her, but, well she hasn't really bothered talking to me since I was sent away. I mean I call her a few times a day, but she couldn't care less. And then, the other night- she answered or I thought it was her." Another tear rolled down my cheek. "It was him- he answered. He started, I don't know? Reminiscing? Taunting me? It felt like I couldn't breathe."

"And what did you do then?"

I laughed through the sadness. "I threw my phone against the wall...I guess I screamed because my dad came into my room and found me on the floor crying."

"Did you tell your dad what happened?"

I shook my head. "No, I couldn't- I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't want to think straight. I wanted something-anything to take the edge off."

"Have you done that before? Taken the edge off?"

I debated lying for a second, but then I remembered her telling me that unless I was going to hurt myself or someone else, everything would remain confidential. "All the time," I admitted. "Not anymore though," I rushed to add. "Back in Phoenix, I, uh, hung out with people who understood me- what I was going through. We did all kind of shit like that."

"And you recognized that you couldn't do that when you're pregnant? That doing so could risk your child's wellbeing?"

I nodded defensively, abruptly leaning forward as far as I could. "Well I didn't, did I? I wouldn't risk hurting my baby to make myself feel better."

"That doesn't sound like the makings of a bad parent to me," she interjected. "You know what I think?" I nodded apprehensively. I tried not to anticipate the worst outcome, but I could really only hope that she wouldn't say something awful like I was crazy or a liar or something. "I think it was very mature and insightful to recognize a pattern of behavior that you didn't want to continue. And I think you're very strong for not doing something to harm yourself or your baby in the middle of what sounds like a panic attack. And I think that with some time and work, we can start to deal with and unpack some of your past trauma."

I slowly leaned back into the brown leather couch. "Alright then. I can do that. Let's do it."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I looked at Edward with a confused expression as I climbed out of my truck. After my first therapy session, we decided that I would start going twice a week until the baby came and then we'd just have to figure it out afterwards.

But it had been two days since Edward and I spoke. My phone was still in pieces upstairs and I hadn't made the trip to Port Angeles to get a new one yet. I hadn't gotten to the part about telling Edward that I had no way of talking to him.

I cringed, I'd never seen Edward this pissed off at me. I guess I didn't think that it would be this big of a deal. "Hey."

He frowned. "That's all you have to say. 'Hey', I've been so fucking worried about you. You- you haven't answered any of my calls, my texts. Every time I passed by your car was gone! What the hell, Bella? I thought you skipped town or something."

I chewed on my lip and listened to him. After he was done, I felt like a total ass. "I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you I broke my phone- I wasn't trying to ignore you or anything, I just, I don't know, got busy?"

"Wait, you broke your phone?"

"It's upstairs in pieces if you don't believe me," I quietly laughed, trying to diffuse the tension.

"No, I believe you," he said.

"I wouldn't do that," I interjected, stopping short of the door. "Just so you know. I wouldn't just skip town. Not without saying something."

"But you said before."

I shrugged. "Like you said, before." I turned to unlock and open the door, nudging my head inside. "Can we go inside? My neighbors are nosy."

Once inside, I sat on Charlie's recliner my feet tucked under me, with Edward watching me on the couch. "Why'd you break your phone?"

"I was trying to call Renee," I started explaining, figuring he deserved honestly after I left him hanging for two days. "I was in bed and I thought she was calling me back."

"It didn't go well?"

"It wasn't her."

"Oh," Edward mumbled, his eyebrow furrowed with anger letting me know that he knew exactly who I was talking about.

"Anyway, I- uh, went to the doctor yesterday and today, therapy actually, and yeah..." I trailed off.

"Therapy?" He asked.

"I think I've got some growing up to do- for this little guy at least," I tried casually explaining, not wanting to make this any bigger of a deal than it already felt like.

"I still think it's a girl," Edward said, thankfully changing the subject to something much more palatable.

"I know that, but I think you just want it to be a girl."

"What about Charlie?" He asked.

I shrugged, "He's been working some double shifts lately. He wants to take off some time to help when the baby gets here, you know since Renee isn't here."

"I can't believe she hasn't even bothered to talk to you," he grumbled, just like Alice did at the store. I was glad they couldn't understand what a flighty mother felt like. That this wasn't completely unusual behavior for Renee. I'd often wondered if I was removed from her day-to-day life, would I escape her mind entirely. Out of sight, out of mind. There had always been that small part of me that hoped it wasn't true. That maybe she was just busy working or trying to pick up the slack since I'd been gone. But a much bigger part, a much more cynical side of me knew that if she wanted to, she would.

"Well, believe it," I laughed humorlessly. "That's really just how she is. It's not like we were on great terms back in Phoenix either."

"But five months? That's so-" he trailed off.

"Yeah, I know," I said, the disappointment in my voice as clear as day.

Hello, friends! I'm really sorry I've been away, I've been recovering from some medical stuff, but I finally feel well enough to update.

Anyway, THERAPY! Love that for Bella. Love that for everyone really! I think it'd be easy to glaze over the stuff she's been through and just act like everything's okay because she has people who care about and support her, but she has some pretty unhealthy behaviors that should be addressed. But I digress. Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far, and thank you so, so much for sticking with me this long! Please review and let me know what you're thinking so far!

See you guys very soon!

P.S. It's Red (Taylor's Version) release night! Any Swifties or Taylor fans reading? I'm personally very excited.