BPOV

"Yesterday was the baby shower," I finally say after letting myself and my therapist sit in complete silence for several minutes. I knew going to therapy was what I wanted, but it didn't make it any easier, I always kind of thought of therapy was just a therapist talking at you for an hour, but the therapist in front of me always waited for me to say something first. And because of that, I found it incredibly difficult to say anything that I felt was worthy of talking about.

"How was that?"

I shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Esme and Alice planned the whole thing. It kinda seemed like all the women in town showed up."

"Esme and Alice?"

"My boyfriend's mom and sister. They've been really great about this whole thing," I explained, my lips pressed in a thin line. I didn't know how to explain that Esme had taken on that maternal role that I needed right now. Especially since I'd given up on trying to call Renee.

"Bella, dear, are you alright?" Esme asked, taking a seat on the my childhood rocking chair- the same chair I'd be rocking my own child in a few short weeks. It was the very end of my baby shower that abruptly ended when I practically burst out of the room on the verge of tears. I didn't know what caused it, but today made everything seem so real. It was all happening so quickly. I obviously hadn't reacted well.

"I'm scared," I whispered. "I'm so scared."

"Oh, sweetie. That's perfectly normal. Every new mother feels like that. Have- Have you tried to get in touch with your mother? I'm sure she'd be a great support to you."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Esme. She's not really the mother type," my overwhelmed cries turned into angry tears.

"If I were your mother, I'd want to know. Honey-"

"But you're not! She's nothing like you, Esme. She sent me here the second she got sick of dealing with me. She hasn't even bothered to talk to me."

She put her arm around me and rubbed my arm up and down, all to try and calm me down. "I'm sure she loves you very much-"

I cut her off again. "I'm not. I'm not sure about that- I was drowning, suffocating in Phoenix and she didn't even care enough to see it. I tried telling her so many times- so many times..."

She froze, her hand abruptly stopping on my arm. "You tried telling her?"

"So many times, Esme...she just never listened," I whispered through the tears. She crouched down in front of me and enveloped me in another of her motherly hugs. I let the tears flow for a few more minutes before I even bothered trying to pull myself again.

As she pulled away I looked at all of the baby gifts around me. "I don't know if I can do this, Esme."

She sat on the side of me, gently squeezing my hand. "You can, Bella. You can do this."

"So they planned the shower and invited everyone?"

"Yeah- I mean, I didn't really want to have a shower at all, but I'm not really in a position to turn down free gifts. Even if it is mostly from the Stepford wives of Forks," I chuckled.

"Why do say that they're Stepford Wives?"

I shrugged. "I know- I know, it's not very nice to say. I mean they did get me some really nice things, but just the way the looked at me, you know? I could tell they were judging me."

"How can you be sure they were judging you?"

"I don't know. Just the way it all felt. I was sitting there, listening to everyone give me advice about having a baby. Whether I should have an epidural or not. Breastfeed or bottle feed. And it occurred to me that they were all talking from their own experience. About kids that are my age- none of which are having kids of their own yet. It's just, how could they not be judging me?"

"Do you judge yourself?"

That stuck an already vulnerable and sensitive chord. How could I not judge myself and all the shitty choices I made and kept making? "Of course I do."

"Why?"

"Why?" I scoffed. "How could I not? I'm having my mother's husband's baby- the very definition of a home-wrecker."

"But it was not your choice. It wasn't an affair, Bella. You did not consent nor were you, or are you, old enough to consent."

I shook my head, trying to shake away all the logic that my therapist was speaking. "But it was my choice to keep the baby," I pointed out.

She nodded. With her finally understanding, I relaxed back into the leather couch. "Bella, you made an impossible choice in an even more impossible situation. There was no right answer- nor was there a good one. You lived through an unimaginable situation and made the choice you felt was right for you and your child. I wonder why you're so intent on painting yourself in such a bad light. Why do you think you're the villain of this story?"

I thought back to the shower. Sitting there surrounded by toys and clothes and more baby things than I'd even imagined. Sitting there and not knowing what half of that stuff was? Wondering what kind of sick joke the universe was playing on me, because who the hell was putting the fuck-up of a baby? My own mother didn't want me. She'd exiled me solely based on the fact that I was, and had always been, a fuck up. "Aren't I?" I asked, tearing pricking my eyes again.

"No, you're not. Good people do bad things. That doesn't make them bad people. And you may have some bad coping mechanisms, but that does not make you a bad person. It makes you human."

"Then why isn't my mother here? Huh? Why did she get rid of me so easily?"

"I don't know. And I wish I could give you that answer, but I don't have them. You know children of narcissists often suffer for no other reason than their parent's selfishness. There are so many people in your past that failed you, but just look around you. You have a father that is supporting you, friends, family, a whole community of people that want to help you. I don't want to tell you that every person you meet is going to be a good person, but people aren't inherently bad, Bella. You've seen the ugliest, most depraved parts of humanity, but I can promise you that not all of humanity is going to be like that. People aren't bad- you aren't bad."

"I'm not?"

"No," she smiled. "Were the any good parts of your shower?"

I nodded, still sniffling my earlier tears. "At the end of my shower- my dad he got me this beautiful crib. Like one he built with Billy from scratch."

Charlie walked through the door, looking incredibly proud of himself. "Bella? Where are you?"

I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. "Over here, Dad."

He nudged his head to the door. "Can I show you something?" I nodded and with Esme's help, I walked over down the stairs and to the door. The second I walked out the door, I saw a beautiful I walked out the door and immediately noticed the wooden crib sitting on the bed of Jake's truck. I was dumbfounded, completely speechless. Billy was right by the truck too, presumably waiting for my reaction. I walked up to it, letting my fingers trail over the smooth cherry-stained wood. It had beautiful, ornate detailing that must've taken a decent amount of time and effort. "Do you like it? Billy and I been working on it for a while now."

The only thing keeping me from continuing my sob-fest was my remaining shred of dignity. I wrapped one of my arms around my dad, letting him know how much I appreciated his continuous, genuine support. "I love it, Dad. Thank you- you too, Billy."

"See? I know you want your mother to be present for this experience, but we have to deal with the reality of the situation. And the reality is that you have a wonderful, nontraditional support system at your disposal. Let them be there for you. Let them show you that there is good in this world."

My lips pressed into a thin line as I took in her words. I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie and nodded. "Yeah, I guess there is some good."

Thank you for your never ending patience. I know my schedule has been kind of wonky lately, but I really am trying.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and let me know what you guys think.

P.S. There are at the very least two chapters left, the birth and an epilogue. At least. I may squeeze in a couple more, I'm not entirely sure. Also, let me know if you want some outtakes, I always have a bunch after I'm done with a story and I never know what to do with them.

See you guys very soon!